Peeta's Life: Part II
by ClosetFan83
Summary: This is the continuation to Peeta's Life:Part II, which is my interpretation of Peeta's POV during Mockingjay. Peeta's journey as well as those he loves is outlined in more detail across a longer period of time. The story also looks gives more depth to our other favorite characters. Please read the first part to familiarize yourself with characters I introduced in the first part.
1. Chapter 1

**Finally, I'm starting to add Peeta's Life Part II. I own nothing, the story is based on the original Mockinjay. This story primarily presents Peeta's point of view but I could not go though it without adding some of Katniss's POV. I also provide more plot to other characters in the story, and present their plots in third person. I hope you enjoy.**

It's been two weeks and I'm sitting in this training center. I see President Snow making announcements; he lost his grip around the Districts' throats. He confirms District 13 had been dormant in the shadows waiting to strike. Then along came Katniss. I spend a lot of time in a trance, just staring into nothing, memories mostly but I don't want to reminisce. I do think of the chessboard that sits in this floor. I think back to all the times I used it as a metaphor to describe what was happening to me and Katniss. I can't believe that I once thought we were contenders against Snow, then I realized we were pieces, reluctant pieces in a game played by Snow and who else? I think back to the day when I was playing chess with Haymitch and I asked him who Snow was up against – he said he didn't know what I was talking about. I feel nothing now, not anger, resentment, sadness, heartbreak, nothing. How many times did he lie to my face? He said I was like a son to him. He's a worthless and faithless son of a bitch. I know that now.

The only time I feel anything is when I think of home, and then I realize that it's gone. My family is gone, my friends, there's nothing. I have nothing. I feel anger boil inside of me. Because now that I am mourning them I realize how naïve I've been. How could I think that Katniss was my only everything, that without her I'd have nothing. I would only think about them losing me and how they would move on. I guess I never once considered losing all of them, and now that I have, I fully understand just how much I had in my life. The only other person I ever feared losing was Ivy, and I did lose her. I even pushed her away. I regret not fully appreciating or understanding just how much I loved them all.

Then there's Katniss. What about her? How much did she know? Did she know? She was so convincing. It was a perfect plan, was she to escape alone. I wound up being her best shield, ready to die for her. But it doesn't make sense, I believe she loves me. I could see it, I could feel it. Could she really have left me behind? I try to ask Annie what else she knows but she's confused, sometimes she even thinks I'm Finnick. The other night she actually tried to get in bed with me. I'm getting sick of her. It's like watching an infant and frankly I don't care if she drinks toxins or hurts herself. The other day she started to run herself into a wall but after a long day of watching her every step, I didn't care when she fell over unconscious. I needed a break.

"Why am I still here?! What do you want from me?!" I scream into the air. I know they can see me and hear me.

Suddenly the television turns on and it's Snow's face. "Hello Peeta." He says, as his disgusting eyes look right at me. The camera is up close to his face and I can see his disgusting swollen face, his puffy lips, and a deep red tint that outlines the inside of his mouth. He's repugnant.

I don't waste any time. "What do you want from me? Why am I still here?" I ask.

"I want to be fair Peeta. I want to punish those responsible and I'm trying to assess just how guilty you are before I start punishing. I'm doing my research before I talk to you." He says calmly.

"You're talking to me now." I say. "Ask away." I say to him.

"Did you know about the escape plan?" He asks.

"No – I was under the impression that this was a Quell, that you altered to make sure Katniss and I returned so that you could kill us. Her – really – because I think you were always very indifferent towards me." I say honestly.

"I was." He replies honestly. "I thought I was as indifferent as Katniss." He says. "Is she really pregnant?" He asks.

My gut instinct is to protect her still. Whether she lied to me or not, there's no point in disclosing my lies. It will only hurt me and besides she's out of his reach now. "Yes." I say to him.

He stares at me for a long time, evaluating me, and I can tell that he's thinking hard trying to figure out if he can believe me. "Is it yours or Gale's? Because I know about that relationship. The peacekeepers kept me informed. After the quell announcement she didn't care to hide it." He tells me.

I smile at him. "It's complicated. And you assumed a lot about them. They weren't lovers, not ever. That was just puppy love." I tell him.

"Did she know about it?" He asks.

This makes me nervous and I can't hide it. "I don't believe she did." I tell him honestly, and I don't know if I'm being rational or if my heart just doesn't want it to be true. He just looks at me and thinks.

"What about Haymitch?" he asks me.

I can't hide the disgust in my face when he mentions his name. "If I had information about him, I would gladly give it to you. That bastard used us; I have no doubt about it. I don't care if you find him." I say honestly.

Suddenly Annie walks into the room. She's naked again, try as I might she refuses to keep her clothes on. When I see her, I roll my eyes because I can't stand her anymore. I see Snow cracks a smile.

"How are you liking your new roommate?" He asks.

"She's okay." I feel exasperated. "Please – just do with me what you have to. I'm done sitting here. I can't take it anymore. You have as many questions as I do, and I don't have answers." I say desperately.

He smiles at me, which only makes him look more grotesque. It's like his skin is going to split it's so tight and I swear I can see bloody saliva in his mouth. "Oh – Peeta, don't worry it begins tomorrow. I will begin to do with you what I have to, her too." He looks in Annie's direction. The signal in the screen goes blank.

I turn to look at Annie and she smiles at me. I'm not stupid. I'm not getting out of here alive. Tomorrow my hell begins. Just then, I hear my elevator door open and out of it comes Portia and Effie. I feel warmth for the first time in two weeks. I run to them, the way a child would to a parent. They run to me and hold me. Finally, I feel tears run down my face and the release is so badly needed.

"Peeta!" Portia wraps her arms around me. She checks my face and she looks me over the way a mother would her child. "Are you eating? Are you hurt?" She asks me. Effie just hugs me and kisses me over and over again.

"I'm alive – I just don't know if I'm okay." I say honestly as I continue to cry. "They left me behind." I whimper to her.

Portia's eyes get large and panicked. "Don't say that Peeta, you don't know that."

"I don't know what to believe anymore. It wouldn't be the first time they lie to me and use me." I say. Portia embraces me but doesn't say anything. Why would she? She wouldn't know herself.

"Peeta. We have to get you ready, you have an interview." She tells me. "Are you being fed?" she asks again.

I'm still trying to grasp the thought that I need to do an interview but I answer her anyway. "Yes I'm eating. They are giving us plenty of food." I say. Their eyes trail past me to the young naked woman sitting on the sofa. "It's Annie, Finnick's lover from District 4." Their mouths hang open when they see her. "Snow brought her." Then it dawns on me, it's not hard to figure out I just hadn't wanted to think about anything up until now. "Snow is going to dangle us in front of them, all while mutilating us." I say to them.

Effie covers her mouth and she can no longer hold back her tears. She throws her arms around me and pleads. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." She cries.

"Peeta, we have to get you ready for this interview. I'm so sorry." Portia insists as large heartbreaking tears run down her face.

Peacekeepers show up they take us all, including Annie. We come to a building that looks ominous. Effie begins to cry when she sees it and Portia tells me that this is the Military sector of the Capitol. As soon as we step out, Annie and I are dragged away. I hear Effie and Portia gasp but they have no idea what to do or what to expect. For a wonder Annie doesn't struggle, it's as if she's a rag doll, the peacekeeper has to carry her. For once I'm envious of her, I wish I could disconnect from reality like that. I'm scared. We are taken into a dark room where other men are waiting for us. I feel tense because I don't know what they are going to do, they're not even looking at us as if we were human. Suddenly all of their hands are on us and our clothes are completely torn off our bodies. I try to fight back but I am completely overpowered. Then they drag us into a bright-lit room and we are thrown on a hard tile floor. My eyes are still adjusting to the light. I look around and I see Annie, she's there, but she might as well not be. Then I see that her eyes fix on something. I look behind me and I see a small petite body lying on the ground. A woman. My stomach sinks. I run to her and gently turn her over.

"Johanna!" her name escapes me. I check for a pulse and she has one. I press my ear to her chest and I can hear her breathing and a heartbeat. I actually smile and for some reason I embrace her in my arms. She's freezing. Suddenly Annie comes up behind us on the ground and then proceeds to wrap herself around us. "Johanna, please wake up" I beg her. I start to rub her face with my hands. I rub my hands throughout her body in an effort to warm her up. Suddenly I see her eyes stir and they open slowly, she stares at the light ahead of her. She looks so helpless and it's crazy because I would never put her and helplessness together. She focuses on me and she stares at me for a second.

"Hello gorgeous." She says to me with a hoarse voice. She tries to stretch her hand to touch my face but she fails miserably. I embrace her close to me and kiss her forehead. I feel protective of her. I hold her until she fully comes to her senses. I pull back and she looks around, and she lifts her head to look at herself then at me and she rests her head against my chest again. "You know, this is not what I envisioned for the first time you and I would be naked together." She says with a smile on her face.

I smile at her and pull her close to me again. "Tell me you know what is going on? Did they betray me? Did Katniss purposely leave me behind?" I whisper in her ear begging her for answers because I'm sure she knows. If I was loathing her before this moment, seeing her now, knowing she was also left behind forces me to embrace her and let bygones be bygones.

"No, Peeta.." She says hoarsely. "She didn't know anything. The plan was to get you both out – I knew it would be a tall order. Haymitch was supposed to pick one. He couldn't though. So the tributes that knew about it decided that if we had to choose we wanted to save you." She explains.

Now it all makes sense, why they were sacrificing themselves for me. This brings tears to my eyes and I embrace her. "It would have been easier had you told us about it, you shouldn't have kept us in the dark, none of you." I cry.

"Peeta – you have to understand. It was a huge risk, the less you knew the better. If one of you was captured, your chances might be better if you didn't know anything. And that's all I'm going to tell you." She says to me.

"Well – I was captured." I say.

Her eyes actually tear up. "It wasn't supposed to be you." She says angrily. "We all knew she is a lose canyon, she won't understand what we are trying to do. You would. We were going to try to save her for you. This was not supposed to happen." She reaches out to embrace me. As she pulls away, she looks startled because she finally sees another human being clinging to us. I look over my shoulder and I see Annie shyly peeking over my shoulder to meet Johanna's gaze.

"It's Annie. Snow got to her and brought her to the Capitol. She's been staying with me at the Training Center." I say

She stares at Annie and she looks tense. "She looks wild and mad" She points out the obvious. "This is terrible. Finnick. He's going to…" She actually looks terrified.

"Don't worry about him Johanna, he's fine in District 13, we need to worry about us." I say bitterly.

Johanna looks at me. "You don't understand, you don't know how fragile he is." She stares sadly at Annie. "Peeta – you need to be strong for what's coming. If they caught Annie it's because Snow will try to play mind games with Finnick and Katniss. You'll be bait for them." She tells me.

"I figured as much." I say. "I'm worried about you too." I say honestly.

She smiles. "I thought you'd be mad at me." She confesses.

"I am but I'm too worried about you right now. And well, I like you. Maybe if you were in District 13 too, I'd be cursing you." I say smiling.

"No, I'm not there. You have to be strong. I don't know how long they'll keep me alive, but you have to promise me that you'll find a way out of here." She says to me.

"What makes you think that they won't kill us all?" I say to her.

"No Peeta – if Snow has you – he can still pull Katniss. She's the face of this rebellion. He's going to keep you alive. Annie too, because Finnick knows too much. If you two die, Katniss and Finnick have nothing to lose." She says to me. "They're just going to torture me until I tell them everything I know." I'm horrified when I hear this. I embrace her in my arms again. "Just tell them then. Don't suffer, you've suffered enough and you've done enough for them. Please." I plead to her.

"I can't. It's not who I am." She says to me. Just then the door bursts open and a man comes in with a large hose and he drowns us with freezing cold water. All I can do is hold on to them. It feels like an eternity. When they stop, a man runs in, rips Johanna out of my arms, and proceeds to beat her with leather straps. I try to reach her but other men hold me down. I scream until the shock makes me pass out. I come back to. I try to reach her but the men holding me down then drag me out. The last thing I see is Annie crawling to an unconscious Johanna and cradling her in her arms.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm dragged to a room and I'm so shocked by what happened that I don't even feel cold until I feel a blanket wrapped around me. I turn to see that it's Portia. She's crying uncontrollably. "We have to prepare you for the interview now." She manages to say through choking sobs. It's ludicrous and my face must show it. I nod. This time the dressing up is harder than ever. Not even in my first Games, did it shake me up as much as it is now. I'm furious and terrified at the same time. If a revolution has truly begun, why do I have to wear a stupid fancy suit and look dazzling for an audience? Especially after what I just went through. I thought the Arena was torture, but no, the Arena was merely a blood bath with an ending in sight. I now realize that what I just experienced in that room was the beginning of arduous torture. It's going to make the Arena look like child's play, that this ordeal, however long it lasts is going to make me wish I was in the Arena. The thought makes me throw up.

I'm cleaned up, wearing make up to disguise the stress and wearing a fancy suit. Suddenly armed men escort me into a stage and there is actually an audience. I'm pushed on stage and I see him, I see Caesar who has a tense look on his face, there is no trace of a smile. He actually looks at me with fear. For the first time I feel like he's looking at me like a human being, which must make him very uncomfortable. The thought makes me furious now I feel bold and brave. I have no idea what the point of this is but I'll deal with it. At least, I am now aware that Katniss didn't betray me.

I'm not sure what the point of the interview was. Caesar insists on making Katniss appear as the manipulative woman that betrayed me, risked my life, and is now bringing havoc to an entire nation. I'm furious to hear him talk about her like this and I'm fiercely protective of her image. I quickly assess the situation. Even if I were to go along with this, it won't save me from the torture waiting for me. So I decide to join the rebels' cause that moment. It's easy really, all I have to do is be honest. I out maneuver Caesar, I take over the interview and tell the whole Capitol what it really is like to be a child sacrificed to murder for entertainment. I also tell them how much killing people has taken from me. I have the desired effect because I see people crying in the audience, some people even stand up and walk out, and I actually see Caesar holding back tears. Yes, no doubt he now sees me as a human being, not a prop or tribute for his entertainment.

After the cameras go out. Caesar actually reaches out to touch my hand and asks me if there is anything he can do for me. Normally I would be touched by this gesture, but I am reminded of the children he interviewed before they went on to their death sentences. I'm disgusted with him because he represents all of it, everything frivolous and deadly that is the Capitol.

"You can fuck off." I tell him. He winces as he hears me say this. Just then the men come and grab me and pull me to my feet. I'm furious now."Get your fucking hands off me. I'm going!" I shout at them. Caesar is startled and he actually looks worried about me. Back stage I'm handcuffed. I keep looking around to see if I see Annie or Johanna. I see Portia and Effie in a corner, they're crying and I hope desperately that they're okay.

I have no idea where I am going now. It turns out that I will stay in this building. I'm taken to an elevator and we go down. Suddenly there is a dark corridor that I walk down. A door slides open and I walk into a room that looks like a lab and an operating room. Then I see a table or bed, I notice the straps. It's a torture chamber, very high tech and sterile looking. Figures. Another door slides open, which surprises me because I thought it was the wall. Finally I see Johanna and Annie. As I step through the entryway, I step into my cell. It's triangular. My cell is between Johanna and Annie's cells. The only divide are metal bars, but we have access to each other. We can just reach through and touch each other. I walk towards the edge of the cell and Johanna embraces me. We hold on to each other for a long time. Then I feel Annie's arms around us. I turn to her and wrap one arm around her kissing her head.

"Johanna are you okay?" I ask her as I carefully touch her body knowing there are fresh wounds underneath the thin garment she wears.

"Yes." She tells me looking a little hazy. "They pumped me up with lots of morphling." She suddenly passes out in my arms. I'm terrified. I lay her down gently. Annie then checks her pulse, and her breathing.

"She is okay. As long as she's breathing." She says as she stares at Johanna. I'm shocked it's the first time she sounds coherent. "Is she Johanna Mason?" She asks me.

"Yes." I say to her. She stands up and walks away from us as she glares at her. She plops down on the floor like a petulant child.

"What's the matter?" I ask.

"Finnick calls her name in his sleep sometimes." She says resentfully.

"Oh, fucking great." I say aloud. "Annie don't worry about it okay." I stretch my hand out to her and she crawls to me and holds it. "Annie, we're going to need each other. Things are going to get really tough and I won't be able to help you. I mean, I will if I can, but we are all we have right now. This space here, will be our safe haven. Okay?" I tell her. She comes closer to the bars, sits down on her bottom and sticks her legs and arms through the bars. She pulls at me with her arms and legs and I let her. She manages to wrap her arms and legs around me.

"I like you Peeta." She tells me and she kisses my cheek through the bar.

"I like you too Annie, I'm your friend now. So is Johanna." I say to her and she smiles and nods and hugs me again.

That night we have a small ration of food. For some reason I can sleep that night without nightmares. Johanna, Annie, and I sit close together in our cells and feed off each other's warmth. I'm grateful for it. We're woken up by our respective sliding walls, we open our eyes to an uncomfortable bright white light. Men storm our cells and drag us. I look over at Annie and it's frightening because her eyes are so far away. Again, I feel jealous of her, how I wish I could disconnect. I'm lifted by my limbs and slammed on the metal table and strapped down. They begin, and I actually experience that disconnected feeling. It's as if all my senses are not communicating with each other. I'm hearing a terrible scream, I want to cover my ears so badly. What could possibly be happening to make that scream. The screaming is excruciating, is that today's torture, sound induced torture. Then it hits me, it's me I'm screaming, and then, the pain follows.

District 13 – Katniss

It's been a month and I want the room to cave in on me, I might as well be carrying the weight of earth above me, because I can feel it and I can't breathe. It's suffocating and I wish I really were suffocating. Every night I go to sleep and I hope that I don't wake up, because the pain in the pit of my stomach is too much. It took me about three weeks to realize that I was not experiencing physical pain really, there was a difference between the nasty gaping wound in my arm and the concussion inflicted by Johanna and the body consuming soul aching pain that I'm experiencing. It took me weeks to realize this. The doctors couldn't figure it out so they gave me a self-medicating catheter of morphling. I press the button generously because it does take the pain away so much so that I pass out from the high. Without a doubt, I'm abusing it, but I don't care. The moment I think of Peeta, dead, I want to die too. How do I live in a world without him? I fully understand now, just how much he means to me. Of course, I love him. I think of how I was able to be intimate with him, and it wasn't just to experience something new, it wasn't just curiosity. I wanted him, I desired him, he excited me, I felt passion for him because I always felt that way about him. But I didn't know. I once read that people used to believe in the concept of an afterlife, wouldn't that be wonderful, a place far away from Panem where Peeta and I can finally be together. Away from all this pain.

The nurse walks in and insists that I walk so that I move my muscles. I roll my eyes because I find it all so useless but I comply. I'm afraid that if I don't they'll take my morphling. I start to walk down a corridor in the medical sector of this underground District. I haven't seen anyone I don't even want to see my mother or Prim. I especially don't want to see my mother because I feel guilt. How harshly I judged her when she disappeared after my father died. I understand completely now. I can't handle feeling guilty on top of everything. For some reason Finnick is authorized see me without my permission, and he's always a sobbing mess. Nothing like the Casanova purring around in the Capitol. I had no idea he was so fragile. I don't care if he sees me anymore. I don't say anything to him. I overheard Plutarch say that Annie, his love from District 4, was also captured by the Capitol. Enough said, if he lost Annie, then we're even.

As I walk down this hospital hallway, Plutarch comes to me.

"Katniss, good to see you. I'm glad you're up and about." Plutarch tells me.

I just stare at him. If I wasn't talkative before, I'm mute now. I just stare at him.

"I'll just get to the point, I would like you to see Haymitch he's not doing well." He tells me.

I have something to say about this. "Good. Peeta is dead, I shudder to think of how he was killed and I feel like dying because Peeta is dead. Why should Haymitch be doing any better." I start to walk away from him.

"We don't know that he's dead." Plutarch tells me.

Of course the idea has crossed my mind but I have convinced myself that it's not a possibility. I walk back to him. "Shut up, don't you say that." I begin to sob uncontrollably. "Don't you realize that it's better that he's dead. If he's not here, and he's in the Capitol, he needs to be dead because anything else is unfathomable!" I say with fear. I can feel my heart racing and I feel like I'm going to have another anxiety attack. But then, I coil over in pain. It's a sharp stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. My knees give out and I hit the floor. Plutarch kneels beside me and tries to talk to me to ask what is the matter but I feel so much pain and it's spreading down between my legs. I scream out in pain. I reach my hand between my legs, through my flimsy hospital gown and I see it. I see blood pooling quickly down my legs and on to the floor. There is so much, and I pass out. I have a dream, likely because of the large quantity of morphling I have a very realistic dream. I'm in bed with Peeta, after we made love for the first time, I tell him that I bled because I hadn't had sex before. He's alarmed and he pulls me into the bathroom orders me to pee in the toilet because I may be injured. Part of me is loving this delusion because I can actually still feel him on me, how he felt inside of me and the blissful soreness that followed our love making. This time though, I look down and there is too much blood everywhere. Suddenly I'm back in the District 13 on a hospital bed and there is mask on my face. "Peeta." I whisper to myself and I pass out.

When I come back from the darkness that took me under I feel wretched. Plutarch is sitting next to me. I close my eyes again.

"Katniss? How do you feel?" He asks and he actually sounds genuinely concerned.

"Numb." I tell him. "What happened? Did I have surgery?" I ask.

"You needed a procedure." He tells me. "Katniss – I'm so sorry. We didn't think it was true so we never checked." He tells me nervously.

This makes me look at him. "I don't know what you're talking about." I say groggily and I really wish he would go away.

His eyes look concerned and he even winces. "I was afraid of that. Katniss – you were pregnant." He tells me and he doesn't know what else to say. I suppose he's waiting for me to say something but I can't process what he just said to me. I just stare at him, I'm horrified. "Did you know?" He asks. I nod no frantically. "I'm so sorry Katniss. We didn't know. We did an ultrasound to see what was causing the bleeding and the doctors saw.." But I interrupt him.

"Stop." I say and I close my eyes.

"You were only a few weeks along." He continues. "The trauma, the stress, and the medications… and you're so young... I'm sorry." He adds.

I feel tears run down my face. "Will you please leave me. I don't want you to tell anyone." I say to him.

"Aside from your doctor, President Coin, knows." He says to me. This strikes a nerve why does she have to know about my personal business.

"Go ahead and tell Haymitch too then." I order.

He looks surprised. "Katniss, he's in rehab, he's really struggling. I don't think he'll handle the news well." He tells me

"You tell him or I will and I promise - you will be kinder." I tell him.

"It's not necessary for you to be cruel." He tells me, he's actually judging me.

I glare at him and I wipe my tears because I want to be as merciless as possible. "He stood there and told Peeta that he was the son he never had. I can't think of anything bad enough to happen to him! Now get out." I order him.

He finally leaves closing the door behind him. I sit up and look down at my body. I'm assaulted by the memories of everything my body has endured, starvation, burns, fear, cold, stabbings, cuts, loneliness. Then I think of his kisses, his touches, his body. We made a life and I lost it. I also realize that I would have never wanted to have this child, especially not now and I feel grateful for the miscarriage. But then I get hit with a stabbing pain in my heart. I cradle my abdomen and sobs escape me. "I'm so sorry." I cry out and I cry myself to sleep.

When I wake up, I see Finnick resting his head on the bed asleep as he holds my hand. I notice that he's wearing a hospital gown. I stare at him. I feel grateful that he's there, I'm grateful for his quiet company this past month. Then I'm hit by what happened yesterday. I was pregnant, I was carrying Peeta's child and I lost it. The relief of the miscarriage hits me accompanied with stabbing pains of guilt for feeling this way. I start to cry and sobs escape my throat, resonating the sound. Finnick wakes up and he doesn't ask anything. He kisses my hand and squeezes it. I squeeze his hand back. When I stop crying we sit in silence for what seems like hours. Finally, I break the silence.

"Finnick, did Plutarch tell you what happened?" I ask him.

"No. I heard you needed medical intervention but they said it was standard procedure nothing risky. Is it true?" he asks.

I think of what he's saying. "I'm fine, but I'm not…" My voice breaks and my chin begins to tremble. I take a deep breath to compose myself. "I had a miscarriage. I lost Peeta's baby… our baby." I say crying now.

Finnick looks shocked and heartbroken. He climbs in bed with me and hugs me and I welcome it. I cry uncontrollably again. "I thought it was made up." He says.

Then I realize what he's talking about, Peeta told the entire nation that I was pregnant. I close my eyes and shudder at the irony. "He did, we made it up, but as it turns out I was pregnant. Plutarch told me that I was only a few weeks along, but they can't be sure. But I am, approximately 30 or 31 days, to be exact." I say sadly.

"I'm so sorry Katniss." He tells me.

I hear my hospital door open and I look in that direction. It's Gale and he suddenly looks frozen. He looks at me then at Finnick as he holds me in my hospital bed. I haven't seen him since the first couple of days when I arrived here.

"Gale – what are you doing here?" I ask gently.

"I wanted to see you, we're worried sick about you." He says looking teary eyed.

"Gale – I asked security not to let anyone in." I say sternly.

"What is he doing here?" Gale asks, referring to Finnick.

"I didn't know she didn't want to see anyone." Finnick says. "Look, Gale" he says cautiously "she needs some space right now. Please." Finnick tells Gale, with charm.

Gale glares at him and he's about to respond but I stop him. "Gale." I say softly. "I know you're here for me, waiting. I know it and I need you. I will. But I need space right now. Please. Tell mom and Prim that I'm trying." I tell him. Gale looks at me with a pained expression nods and walks away. I don't know how I managed to say that because I certainly don't mean it, I'm not trying and I don't want to try.

"Who's tall dark brooding and handsome?" Finnick asks.

"Gale." I say.

"I gathered that much. Is he the cousin?" He asks stressing the word cousin.

"Yeah. I mean no, he's not my cousin. But I don't want to talk about that. Do you know why Plutarch is hanging around my room every day and why President Coin is keeping close tabs on my medical records?" I ask him

"Katniss – you know why. They need you. We need you for this revolution. They want something from you." He says.

I nod. Then I gather the courage to ask. "Do you think he's dead?" I say to him.

Finnick stares at me. "I betrayed you by lying to you, by keeping information from you so I will never lie to you again, I swear it." He looks at the floor and takes a deep breath. "He's not dead." He says.

My heart hurts to hear him say it and I begin to cry because I believe it. "I want him to be dead. He has to be Finnick otherwise…" and I can't even finish.

Finnick embraces me. "I know it hurts Katniss, but I know that they're not dead because then Snow will have nothing over us. If they die you and I have nothing to lose."

"I can't stand the thought of him in pain." I say sobbing.

"I know." Finnick tells me. "Which is why we have to fight, win this damn war, take Snow down and maybe, they'll be left standing Katniss. I have to believe that." I hug him and we fall asleep in each other's arms.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't know how much time has gone by. I do know that I lost my mind because I escape and I don't have a hold of myself all the time. The physical abuse has decreased significantly but they're doing something else, they anesthetize me for it. I wake up in a trance and sometimes it takes days before I'm come of the drug infused high. Before these sessions started they would take me away from Jo and Annie. They would throw me in a small box where I couldn't stretch my body for days. Other times they would put me in a room by myself and at first I thought this was better than the box but then I have no contact, no light, nothing. I don't even feel like moving around. My memories are also unclear; particularly the memories from the Games and the Quell. In fact I don't like to think about it.

My only comfort and purpose revolves around caring for my new little family Jo and Annie. Caring for them only brings back a sense of me that I'm afraid I'm forgetting about. After the worse days it was their arms and warmth that fed me hope, I'm not sure for what but they've been my life line. Jo and I resemble parents to Annie. She scares me sometimes. I realize that Annie has different personalities; it's the best way to describe it. Most of the time she's a child. She seeks Jo and I as if we were her comforting parents. Jo was bewildered by this need but she has responded to her. Other times she's a feral animal ready to kill us if the bars didn't stop her. There are fleeting moments that I see Annie, the real Annie. She's calm, collected, poised, kind, and very smart. One day after I woke up after days of a long drug infused trance, my head was resting on her leg, which was sticking into my cell. She was running her hands through my long hair and she was scratching my beard softly. I didn't recognize the expression in her eyes. She was lovely. I admitted to her that I'm afraid I'm becoming like her. She laughed and said no because my disconnected feeling comes from drugs and the tests they are doing on me. Her trances come from sheer grief and fear.

Other times she is brutal. One night, after Johanna had a particularly hard day, she slept alongside me with the bars separating us. My arms were wrapped around her in hopes of giving her warmth. I woke up after hearing Annie make animal like noises. As soon as I saw her I saw her coming at us, I had enough time to wrap my hands around Jo's head as Annie tried to kick her in the head. She was spewing all sorts of threats at her. Annie accused her of deceiving her and that she knew everything about her and Finnick. Her hard spiteful kick broke my arm. After she realized she hurt me she turned to that petulant child, curled up in a ball, and cried herself to sleep.

Johanna stayed up with me to help nurse my broken arm. She made sure I didn't have a complete fracture and she split her morphling with me. They are obviously turning Johanna into an addict and she has pills at her disposal. We sat on the ground, back to back, with the rails between us. It's interesting how there are days like this, after we have endured the pain and abuse and we find ourselves sitting calmly in our cells, and it feels like a normal day. It's terrible to think that this is normalcy now. My thoughts were distracted by Johanna's hand. She slipped her hand into mine and it brought me back. I'm reminded of how this small contact with these women, keeps me sane. Every time I come back from my drug induced psychotic episodes, it's talking to Johanna, my physical proximity to her, or my constant care for Annie but it makes me feel normal. I begin to play with her hand and I'm reminded of that day in the elevator. As she stood in front of me, naked, in an attempt to make me uncomfortable, I reached to grab her pinky and twisted it the same way Finnick held it. We've come a long way from that day. I grab her pinky again and I playfully twist it the way Finnick did.

She laughs. "I can't believe you picked up on that." She tells me.

"I don't know why it caught my attention. There was something intimate about it." I pause and picture that moment, when I saw them. "Actually I think I know what it was. He touched your waist but it's the fact that he looked around to make sure no one was watching or looking to see who was watching. Like he had something to hide. So of course I looked." I explain to her.

"You're intuitive." She says.

"I have to hand it to you – if I hadn't seen that moment, I would have never known." I tell her.

"He twists my finger because he broke it." She tells me.

"What?" I say laughing. "That doesn't sound romantic at all." I say to her.

She laughs. "I'm not sure that you can call our affair romantic. He loves her, he can't function without her. She's his everything and I'm… " She doesn't say anything else because she doesn't know what to say. "I was invited to the Capitol for some parties two years after I won. I wasn't happy to do it but I did. I still had people – in my life that I needed to protect. Anyway, I got here, I was all dolled up and I walked into a party. Finnick was in the center of the party, everyone hanging off him. Touching him, kissing him, and he was just loving it. Or so I thought. I avoided him the whole time and frankly he didn't seem curious about my presence there. I couldn't wait to leave. I hardly spoke to anyone. When everybody started leaving, I looked for my escort but I was told she had already left. I was a little startled. Suddenly I realize that it's just me and Finnick left with a couple, the hosts." She stays silent and takes deep breaths but then continues. "We were brought there because they wanted to have sex with us – a group sex session. I was disgusted. Not that I have anything against group sex…" She adds and I can't help but laugh. "But under those circumstances… No way. The man went to grab me and I fought him off but he just laughed. My resistance was exciting him, I'm sure he got off on the idea that his little Victor was fighting him. I was hysterical and panicked so I couldn't really fight him off me after a while. Finnick had already taken the woman to another room. Anyway, when that man dragged me into a room, he threw me on the bed and got on top of me. He ripped my dress and I froze. I couldn't believe it. I was so mad at myself." She stops talking and I can tell that she's trying to breathe through this painful experience. I squeeze her pinky finger and she squeezes my hand back. "Suddenly I heard a thud sound and I felt the full weight of the man on top of me. I managed to push his head away and I realized that he was unconscious. Thankfully he didn't…" she can't even say it. "Then I saw Finnick, flipping the man over, off me. I grabbed the dress and tried to cover myself and I was a crying sobbing mess. I hate feeling like that. I jumped to my feet and wanted to get the hell out of there. However, Finnick grabbed me, he wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me off the ground, but I wouldn't stop thrashing around. I started screaming. He kept trying to tell me to calm down, that we couldn't just leave, we had to get picked up by peacekeepers. But I didn't care. I swore at him, hit him, I was desperate to get as far away from there as possible. I was becoming more and more hysterical, I could not stop to think or assess what was happening around me and what Finnick was planning. After all, he knocked out a Capitol Citizen and who knows what he did to the woman. I hadn't thought of any of that. So…" I can hear her trembling voice now. "He grabbed my pinky and broke it." She says in a whisper and the tears in her voice are unmistakable.

"He did it to snap you out of it." I say.

"Yeah. It worked. I was able to focus on the pain and nothing more. Then he snapped the finger back in place, and the pain was beautiful because I could think straight again. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Anyway, he explained that he had drugged the woman, since they were taking drugs anyway. That's when he walked over to the man and injected something into his arm. He told me it was drugs, that they had been shooting up all night. He was certain that when they woke up they wouldn't even remember."

"How did he know all of that…" And before I finish saying this it dawned on me, this is why Finnick is so desired in the Capitol.

She says it "Snow prostitutes him in the Capitol Peeta." She says sadly.

I feel tears jump to my eyes. Poor Finnick, how old was he when they started to subject him to this. "I'm so sorry." I say aloud, not to her, but I'm hoping he can somehow feel this. I don't hate him anymore, anything he did to get out from under Snow's control is valid, including deceiving me and leaving me behind.

"Anyway, there was really bad weather in the Capitol that week and we got stranded. We ended up staying in the training center and they had us stay on the same floor. Thankfully, the weather kept us safe from all the disgusting bastards in the Capitol. We spent the whole day talking, I told him everything and he told me everything. He told me about Annie. I was shocked because I had heard how far gone she was but apparently, he knew her from before. He was bound to her, when he had to mentor her it was hell. Somewhere in the middle of that week with him, there was a spark, inexplicable spark. You know what I mean?" She asks me.

"Yeah I do." I say thinking back at moments like that and I'm happy to feel a genuine smile on my face.

"Hmmm" She hums happily. "We were sitting in the living room reading. I caught him staring at my finger, which was now wrapped in a splinter. His hand grazed the back of my hand and I felt this charge run through me. Our eyes met and he grabbed my other pinky and playfully twisted it. He apologized for breaking my other one. I just smiled at him and our eyes met and it was like we created our own gravity and we crashed into each other." I can hear happiness in her voice then she whispers. "We had such amazing sex. He needed it you know. To willfully give himself to someone that he desires and someone that would could connect with him in all levels." She says and I know she's referring to Annie and questioning how fulfilling Finnick's relationship with Annie really is.

"How often would you see him after that?" I ask.

"The Games, but I would behave enough to get invited to Capitol parties; sure enough we would see each other." She tells me. "Can I tell you something stupid?" She asks me.

"You can tell me anything." I say to her.

"I was happy with Annie's revelation. she's suspicious of me, because Finnick calls for me in his sleep and who knows what else. It makes me feel like I matter to him." She says.

I'm startled to hear her say this I turn to face her and she turns to look at me. "Jo – you're still here, alive with us." I tell her and she stares at me blankly.

"They haven't killed you and we've been here for months. They must know about you two. Don't you get it, you are just as much bait as we are." I say to her.

She looks startled. She whispers. "I didn't think of that." But now she looks horrified.

LATER ON

I can hear Jo's voice calling me. "Peeta, please Peeta." She cries pleading, I'm not sure why. Then I hear a deafening scream, like always, it takes time for me to realize that it's me. My body feels like it fell and I hit the ground full force. It sure hurts, but it pales in comparison to the horror that storms in my mind and that my heart feels so cold. I immediately reach out to her, to Jo or Annie in hopes that they can reign me back in. When I come back from my trances, I live in constant fear. My memories are gray and I can't trust them. I have a lifetime of memories that are distorted the moment I think of Katniss. The horror that comes to mind is unimaginable. I can't even hear her name anymore. What did they do to me? I feel a beast resting inside of me, ready to wake up and take over, if it does, I've lost myself completely. I lost myself, they changed me. On this particular day, I sob because I'm tired. I beg Snow to kill me and just end it.

Johanna holds on to my hand but it's not having the desired effect. After I've calmed down from my hysteria, I lay along the rails of my cell, giving Johanna access to me. She runs her hand through my hair and pets my hand and chest in an effort to warm me up. It doesn't work nothing she says or has tried in the past works. I slip away from them for days, unreachable, just catatonic.

Whimpering Johanna grabbed my hand and tried a new approach. "Peeta, who's the redhead Peeta?" She asks as she tries to mask the tears.

My eyes open and my memories flash back to her asking me this same question, and I see her face in the District, looking at me from the audience as I volunteered. For the first time I feel her heart break because I can see the pain in her face. I gasp because the pain was unimaginable until this point. I turn to face Johanna and I can feel tears running down my face, and as much as it hurts to think about her, I feel like me.

"She's quite possibly the most beautiful girl in town. Her long wavy red locks that reach the middle of her back. Her face, her amazing poker face, the one that refuses to give anything away. Her large emerald green eyes that sit above a regal nose and perfectly full-sculpted lips. There is something about her presence, the way she holds herself, that gives you the impression that she's cunning, calculating even. But I know better." I stare at the ceiling and I swear I can see her, and this makes me cry. "Ivy." I call to her. I look over at Johanna and she looks shocked.

"You're back." She tells me. I begin to cry again and she holds me as best as she can. I even feel Annie caressing my foot. After this moment, when she can't reach me, it's the only thing that brings me back. Ivy, the memory of her and I think of all the good, my family, my friends, the hope that I once carried with me. I no longer feel it or believe in it, but at least I remember it. One day, after I talk to Johanna about her she brings up a valid point. "Peeta, maybe she's out there."

"They destroyed District 12 Jo. They're all gone." I say sadly.

"There were survivors. Katniss is out there, you said you saw the video and she's fighting alongside with Gale." The moment I hear their names the anxiety and revulsion that rises out of me is overwhelming but Jo tries to get me through it. "Stay with me! Peeta, think about it, he got out of 12. Maybe she did too, your family, and who knows how many people got out. You have to believe that."

I think long and hard about this and realize that it's true, my friends were fighters, they were rebels if there was a plan they would have made it out. "Maybe. She was a fighter. If anyone would get out she would have." I say really thinking hard about it and I realize how true that is.

"How was she?" Johanna asks me.

I smile. "Beautiful." I say and she laughs.

"You sound smitten." She tells me.

"I was. She was my sweetheart. We had plans, we were going to get married after graduating. We wanted children." I feel longing for that life and my chest hurts, good sign I suppose, my heart is still in there somewhere.

"How was the sex?" Johanna deviously asks me.

I smile big again. "It was wonderful." I sigh. "She was so full of life, passion, and determination to rise above everything. She suffered a lot. Like all of us, I guess. But hers was…" I can't find the right words to describe it so I just say it. "Her father forced her into prostitution when she was twelve." I say to Johanna. She looks at me in horror. "Yeah, when she was fourteen she found out her father was dealing drugs, trafficking drugs across Panem. She held it over his head so that he wouldn't force her anymore."

"I like her." Johanna says.

"Yeah – she was impressive." I say.

"So let me get this straight, you, a baker, wholesome, polite, generous, and wonderfully good Peeta fell for the town hooker?" She asks crassly, and I realize only she could get away with calling her this to my face. I have no doubt this was the talk in the District, but no one ever said it to my face. I smile at her audacity, it's endearing.

"Why wouldn't I? You said it, I'm a good person. Aside from her misfortune she's a whole person, a great person, so I couldn't look away." I say.

"No wonder you like me." She says to me.

I laugh. "Yeah – I guess so." I say. I smile because I'm reminded about what I did with her father. I got away with it, Snow never found out about Ivy and he never found out about what I did to her father. At this point, if Snow is listening I don't care, I want to rub it in his face. Because now, if he were to go after Ivy, she's in a position to fight back, she always wanted to and now the whole country can fight back.

"What is it?" she asks me.

"When I came back from the games, I tried to continue my relationship with Ivy, but it didn't work out. As you know, Snow had plans for me and… her, Katniss." I say her named shuddering and Johanna squeezes my hand. "I also realized that Snow threatened Gale because he found out about his relationship with Katniss." This time I make it through without a reaction. I continue. "I realized that I couldn't put Ivy on the line like that, especially not because I was madly in love with someone else. She deserved better. Last year, there was a blizzard in District 12. We were on lockdown. When I was finally able to go into town to visit my friends and family, my friends Silas and Nathan came looking for me to tell me Ivy had been hurt. Her father tried to sell her to four men." I say sadly, remembering the pain and fear that took over every part of my being.

"I'm so sorry Peeta." Johanna squeezes my hand. I look at her and continue.

"I ran to the hospital and – I couldn't even recognize her." I have to stop because I feel a deep sigh come out of me and my whole being gets shaky. "She was black and blue, the only thing that stood out to me, that let me know it was her, was her long red hair. I swear Johanna I wanted to kill someone, when I saw her like that. The whole reason I pushed her away was to protect her. I was so angry at myself."

"Peeta, what could you have done. There was a blizzard, she was closed off from everyone that could have helped her. Think about it, what could you have done while that was happening? You were stuck in your Victor Village, far from everyone, doing who knows what. Don't blame yourself." She tells me.

"Yeah, I was stuck in my house for five days, having an affair with her good friend Madge, my good friend too." I say remembering those beautiful five days that ended with a tragedy.

Johanna looks at me startled. "Peeta!" she says surprised but she composes herself. "You couldn't have known what was happening to her. Regardless of what you were doing." She reassures me.

"I know, it wasn't my fault. It took me time to realize that. But I sure as hell feel guilty about it. I always will. While I was far away from her, protecting her" I say cynically "While having an affair enjoying myself, she was imprisoned in her home being beaten and almost raped." I say bitterly.

"I'm sorry Peeta." She tells me, and I'm surprised to hear her voice crack. She has tears in her eyes. "I hope you've forgiven yourself. I'm sure she did." She tells me.

"She did. She was too generous, especially to me." I wipe the tears that are now running down my face. "She stayed away until the announcement of the Quell. I had gone out to…" But I realize that if I talk about Haymitch I will lose all control of my being so I steer away from it. "I went out to take care of a few things. When I came back she was sitting in my living room. She ran to my arms and told me that everything was going to be okay. That I didn't have to go to the Arena, in fact she knew that I wouldn't go. All I had to do was not volunteer for... him. I had no intention of doing that. She was hysterical all I could do was tell her what she wanted to hear. Then I let myself get lost in her comfort. I needed her so badly." I say sadly, as I remember the beautiful sensation of being with her.

"It sounds like you had a beautiful bond. Did you love her?" Johanna asks me.

I look at her. "Not enough, not the way she deserved. I had given my heart away a long time ago, and she didn't deserve that, she deserved all of it. The commitment I wasted on someone else should have been dedicated to her." I say to her. "Anyway, after she was beaten. I went after her father." I say to Johanna.

"Peeta!" She says my name warningly. "Don't say too much."

"I don't care anymore." I smile feeling triumphant. "Silas and Nathan told me everything and they knew that they had to find her father because he knew about the Dsitrict's uprising. We knew that if the peacekeepers found him, he would trade information for his freedom. I had to shut him up and make him pay." I say as I feel a smile creep to my face. Johanna stares curiously at me. "I knew where I would find him, I found him at his bar. Sure enough the moment he heard people closing in on him, he said he knew about the District's plot for an uprising. The bastard was hiding under the floor boards. I reached in and pulled him out. I made sure he didn't say a word." I say.

"Did you kill him?" She asks.

I smile. "No, that would be merciful and after what he did to her… Anyway, no, he's in the Capitol now. He's an avox." I say.

"Peeta! He could have said something." She tells me. She looks frightened. "Peeta, what about your other friends?" She says cautiously, hoping to change the subject.

"Well there was Silas. He was tall, light brown hair, blue eyes, funniest guy around with a sharp tongue." I say laughing and I look at Johanna "a lot like yours. You would have liked him." She smiles at me and I continue. "Then there was Nathan. We were always about the same height, he had brown hair, brown warm eyes. Great friend, sweet, sensitive, generous. Always such a comfort." I think of them and I miss them. I sigh deeply. "Then there was Delly, my next door neighbor. We grew up together." I smile sweetly at the thought. "she's more like my sister. Blonde hair, brown eyes, the nicest person in this world. I'd do anything for her." I think of her and chuckle. "She was a little on the heavier side and she was so self conscious about it. So many people would tease her for it. They were cruel. They'd tell her people were starving in the seam because she was eating all the food… " I start to feel sad and I can't the image of Katniss sitting starving up against a tree. "They're all dead now…"

Johanna must sense my dark mood now. "Why don't you sleep now. She lays down alongside me along the rails of the cell. We put our arms through the rails and hold on to each other for the rest of the night.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been six months and I'm functioning, barely with the help of drugs. I'm not effective though, they are trying to make propos but I'm not delivering. They are now convinced that I need Cinna's genius and Peeta to hold the spotlight on me. We had a successful performance in District 8, where I actually fought in an impromptu battle. At least now Snow knows I'm here. I've begun to join the uprising against the Capitol and I have to admit in the middle of the gruesome battles I find purpose. Primarily because I want to beat Snow, I want to take away his power. If I'm directly responsible for his downfall, I will have avenged Peeta. Even if I die in the process, it will be worth it. District 12 is over now and my sister is not in danger of it anymore. Now, she has possibilities, she's smart, capable, and she already has more chances than we ever had before. More importantly, she will have chance to fight back and survive. I do believe she is safe in District 13. Without a doubt, Coin and whoever came before her inspired fear in Snow. That's all I need to know. I'm on the right side. Of course, I can't help but feel like I've been coerced into this Mockingjay bid, but at least I can whole heartedly commit to it. I may not have the presence of mind to fully understand what this all means, I just know I have to take him down and make him pay for it. When Gale and I fought off the Capitol in District 8, I knew this was where I needed to be. But now, there is a focus on making propos. They try to get me and Finnick to do as much advertisement as possible. It seems so stupid and I don't agree with this Capitol method. Gale gets to come with me at times, but he's actually learning a trade in 13, military related, so he can't always come with me. The only reason he is allowed to come with me is because he can reign me back in. Plus, I can tell that Coin has taken a liking to him, she wouldn't want to jeopardize a worthwhile citizen.

Of course, becoming a soldier is a struggle. It is different than being a Tribute but eerily similar too. I have personal demons to deal with, I try to silence the nightmares that now follow me into my days. Then there's my mourning to contend with. There are days where I just can't bare everything that happened. I have turned to Morphling. At first, I was using it until I was out cold and delusional. I was running into crawl spaces, which is ironic since I find District 13 asphyxiating. My sister and mother confronted me about my abuse, or addiction, and they reported me. Interesting enough, Coin had a sit down meeting with me. She told me I needed to be a better example to everyone. I didn't have to drug myself into psychosis. She then handed me a prescription of morphling, a high weekly dose. In other words, I need to ration myself. Abuse it, just don't be obvious about it. I'm smarter now and her response to me tells me that she doesn't like me and that I shouldn't trust her. It turned out that Coin, like the other Tributes in the Arena, wanted Peeta to be here instead of me. Well that makes two of us. But I'll take this compromise.

In the past, medications used to make my nightmares worse at night, but now, I gladly risk it. One night, while high off the morphling I blacked out and I started to hallucinate. I was in bed reliving the terrors of the Arena, but suddenly Peeta appeared before me. I looked around and realized that I was in District 13, I turned towards him and he was standing there with his warm smile and loving eyes. It was so real. I ran to his arms and cried and he held me. I could feel him, his strong arms, his broad chest, his smell. I couldn't believe it. He kissed me and it felt just like him, the feeling of him was so powerful. I pushed him to bed and made love to him. Then I woke up and realized that it had all been a pleasant realistic dream. I don't have dreams like this without the morphling, how can I possibly give it up when I feel like it's my only delusional connection to him. Besides, because of this drug stupor I can easily believe he's dead and in peace.

I've been flying around everywhere doing propos. During our stay in District 10 there was a young soldier a little older than me. He caught my attention, at first, he had his back to me but I saw his blonde curls and similar built to Peeta. I walked towards him and frantically grabbed his shoulder to get him to turn around. I was disappointed to see that it was someone else. I felt bad for startling him but he was more than happy to meet me. He showed me around the district. They're in great shape in comparison to 12 or 11 probably because they now have access to a hefty amount of meat. He was very nice to me. This District even had the luxury of regular socials, little parties. I was surprised to see drugs moving around the crowd. It's interesting that I would have never looked for this in the past but now I keep an eye out for it. I had already taken plenty of morphling and Gale was busy with other tasks so he left me alone with my self-designated district guide. I started to feel sad and I didn't want to confront the depression. I suddenly had an overwhelming need to feel good– experience some kind of gratification.

I thought back to my conversations with Peeta and how he said sex was one of the few things we could afford to have in our lives. I asked the young man where we could be alone and he looked both shocked and thrilled. He took me to a supply room. He started to kiss me and it felt good. As my hands roamed his body, I started to unzip his pants and as I pulled on them, I heard the sound of pills hitting the floor. I looked down and leaned down to pick one up.

"What is this?" I asked

He looked a little nervous so I smiled at him to get him to relax. "It's a little pill that's been around for a long time. It's called ecstasy, it heightens sensations." He smiles seductively at me.

"Sounds heavenly." I say it and it's as if a part of me doesn't recognize myself, my boldness. But, I don't want to deal with this rationale right now. I quickly take the pill. He starts to kiss my neck and his hands move to my chest and I can feel the effect of the pills. I let go. Every time I blink it's like I'm taking picture with my senses. One blink, his shirt is off, next blink, I'm up on a table, next blink, I'm stripped below my waist and my shirt is unbuttoned. Suddenly I can feel him inside of me, I'm thankful that this time I know I'm on birth control, thanks to District 13's strict living condition and military procedures but on top of that he's wearing a condom. I close my eyes and hold on to him, my hands roam to his hair and I pretend it' Peeta's beautiful blonde hair, I pretend his blue eyes are Peeta's loving eyes. The combination of Morphling and Ecstasy achieve my desired effect. Ultimately, I close my eyes to imagine everything else. It's exciting, thrilling, but unfulfilling and over in a matter of minutes. I don't experience the ecstasy or physical gratification I felt with Peeta. The thought makes me want to cry but I swallow my feelings and tears along with them. I can hear him breathing heavily on my breasts. I come back to and I push him back. I jump off the table and stare at him. It's definitely not Peeta. I smile politely. "Thank you." I dress myself and walk away.

"you're welcome and thank you." I hear his voice behind me. No definitely not him.

On a tour to District 7 Finnick walked in on me as I found myself with another young man from the district. Finnick walked into my private room as me and said young man rolled around on the bed. I was naked and I hadn't even finished undressing him. I was so high it took a minute to understand why the young man was suddenly on his feet rushing to get dressed. I sat in a daze and suddenly I felt a blanket around me. I finally realized that Finnick was sitting next to me. It was embarrassing, not because he found me but because of what I did next.

"Finnick. When did you get here?" I asked laughing.

He just stares at me and doesn't answer the question. "your guards told me they've been seeing you sneaking off with random guys in the districts. I couldn't believe it but…"

I scowl at him. "Are you going to pass judgment on me? You better not because if you are you can leave. And who do you think you are anyway, how don't you choke on your hypocrisy." At this point I was on my feet walking around yelling at him belligerently and I had lost the blanket. "First time I met you, you were all but modest." For some reason the memory of him trying to seduce information out of me makes me laugh. I stop and stare at him and I'm consumed by how beautiful he is. I then proceeded to straddle him as he sat on the bed and I just laid my lips on his. Of course he swiftly lifted me off him and threw me on the bed, which only made me laugh harder. "Come on Fin, finny." I laughed some more "I saw how you were looking at me and we've been lonely." I reach for him again and I wrap my arms around him from behind as he stays seated on the bed. "Has anyone ever told you what a beautiful specimen of a man you are." I start to kiss his neck and tilt his face towards me so that I could see his eyes. I was instantly sobered by the pained expression in his face and the tears in his eyes.

"Yeah. I've been told often what a great specimen I am." Then he stood up and wiped his eyes, ultimately regaining his composure. "I'm not going to sleep with you because I don't want to, I never have. I'm your friend, I care about you, and you are being a bad friend. I'm keeping it simple so that your state of mind understands it."

He turned around to walk away but I felt panicked. Suddenly I felt the loneliness of my room and I couldn't bear it. Suddenly an irrational surge of emotions took over and I broke down.

"Finnick!" I cried out sobbing, he turned around. "I'm sorry… I don't know why…" But I began to cry again. I got up and put on a shirt and pants. "Please stay." He ran and hugged me so hard he lifted me off the ground. "I'm so sorry." He sat on the bed with me on his lap, like a small child. He rocked me back and forth until I was okay. "I just can't take it sometimes. When I'm busy doing the propos or fighting my mind is off him and I can keep going. But when it all stops missing him is unbearable. I need to feel something good that reminds me of him. He always used to say that sex was one of the few things we could dictate in our lives and get pleasure from it, one of the few truly good things in our world. It's a release." I explained as best as I could.

"Not always. But I know what he meant. Katniss, I'm not judging you. If you want to have sex with whoever you want by all means. But I'm worried about your state of mind. I guess you should ask yourself, are you in the moment with them. Are you fully appreciating that the physical contact with said person? Don't think I didn't notice the physical similarities between this guy and Peeta, and from what your guards tell me, blonde blue eyed boys are your type." He stares at me as he waits for a response but I had nothing to say, so he continued. "If you're with them while escaping in your mind to be with him, you are going to feel terrible. I'm also more concerned about your drug use."

"Coin gave me the prescriptions herself. She doesn't care. She doesn't like me. She just needs me to be the Mockingjay. I'm being used and I'm letting them." I said unfeeling.

"It doesn't have to be like that. You can care and it will make a difference." He told me.

"Do you care? I keep hearing all the soldiers fighting for Panem's future, and it means nothing to me. I'm a fraud. Maybe, if he were here… but I think if we had made it out, I'd be plotting how we can escape all of this and live in the woods somewhere away from all this chaos. I can't handle it sometimes. I just want peace and him by my side."

"Katniss you have a remarkable ability to move people. When it comes down to it, you're on the right side and you believe in our cause, you say it and you act on it. You're too sick to comprehend all of it right now. I don't know what we're doing here. And for the record, I do believe in the cause, I've been part of it. I was functional until they took Annie. I want to do more than be a poster child of this revolution."

"I wish my mind could focus long enough to grasp a conclusion on how I feel." I grab my head as I feel a headache again, brought on by that damn concussion. "Damn Johanna! I really hate her. What's the use? she's dead now." I notice that Finnick was wide eyed and it's as if he's far away from here, the warmth has even left his body. "What's wrong?" I ask.

"She's dead isn't she?" He wonders.

"Who cares."

"I do, I care." He looked me in the eye looking completely heart broken.

I stared at him and it hit me. His constant alliance to Johanna their closeness, I didn't see it for what it was. "You and her…"

"We're lovers, were lovers… I loved her and I never told her." He confesses.

I'm shocked. "But – Annie."

"Katniss, life is never simple and it's always complicated. Johanna was unexpected. I needed her, she gave me what Annie couldn't. She balanced me. I now know how selfish I was. No one knew about us, except Peeta." He smiled at the thought of him knowing. "Johanna said that he saw me playfully twist her pinky finger, a gesture that's significant to just the two of us, and he knew from that. Can you believe that?"

I smile. "Yes, I can." We sat in silence for some time until it dawned on me. "Finnick, Peeta once told me that he was afraid the Games would change him, that he would lose himself. I feel like a coward because I survived and I find myself wanting to lose myself to break away from that girl that couldn't appreciate all the good, didn't know how to love him because I was always so afraid, when I wanted to figure it all out - he was gone. And now I don't care about anything." I feel tears leave me and the sadness consume me. "This depression is too much – I can't bear it. It's times like these that I reach out to these men in combination with drugs so that I can have a delusional moment that he's with me." Finnick just hugged me and we fell asleep together.

We head back to District 13 and I dread it because I can't stand being underground. The moment I set foot there I start craving my morphling. As soon as we're inside Finnick and I are rushed to Coin's board room. Something's happening and it's important. I'm never affected by these emergency meetings. They're all the same to me. I walk in and I'm surprised to see Gale. He rushes to me and hugs me. I notice his new fancy watch, a telecommunicator. Interesting. I spot Haymitch. It's amazing that I don't want to kill him anymore. I think about our reunion. I guess I understand his situation. Had I been taken, Peeta would be here instead hating him. It really was a lose – lose situation for him. He was more devastated about my miscarriage than me. I shudder thinking about that so I stop and pop a pill in my mouth without anyone noticing. I nod at Haymitch.

I'm startled by Gale's arms around my waist as he pulls me towards him. He leans me up against him as he leans against the wall. Finnick eyes us, looking amused. I scowl at him. I then pull away from Gale's arms. "Stop." Suddenly the large television screen that takes up an entire wall comes on. I see Peeta's face. I gasp at the site of him. Finnick is by my side in a second, holding my hand.

"What is this?" I ask.

"We don't know yet, we found out there would be a special televised today. One of the victors."

Peeta starts to talk and I'm hypnotized. I pull away from Finnick and walk towards the screen. I reach out to touch it, somehow wanting to believe that I can really touch him, reach him. I'm mesmerized by his words. He's defending me, I'm comforted in knowing that he doesn't think I abandoned him. Relief is an understatement. I fall to my knees, and begin to cry, without taking my eyes off him. I start to pay attention to him, he looks strong, healthy, he's beaming, he's beautiful. "Peeta." I whisper, willing my voice to reach him. I listen to his words, his beautiful words that tell the entire nation what we went through in the Games, how we suffer in the Districts. He's not portraying a Victor, he's portraying a wounded young man that was forever altered in the name of entertainment, the lesson that the Districts have been paying for 75 years. He finishes and the screen goes blank. I start shaking. "You're alive." I turn to Finnick "He's alive." He helps me up and I turn around to face Coin and her people. They're smitten, no doubt, he should be here. Not me. I smile at them.

"He's alive. He's alive." I say. I look at the faces in the room and I see Haymitch, he looks relieved and he's close to having a smile on his face. I bring my hands to my cheeks because I'm smiling so hard.

Suddenly Beetee speaks up. "Katniss, I'm happy for you. We need to figure out how old this recording is."

Just like that everything comes crashing down. "What? He was right there, he's fine. Did you see him Haymitch? He's strong, just as beautiful as before. He's alive." I say to him. Haymitch nods but I see doubt in his eyes.

"Katniss why don't you go rest. All we know right now is that he's alive, he spoke to all of Panem, he's strong, and he has his wits at his disposal after all this time. This is so much better than we could have hoped for. Why don't you go rest focusing on that." Coin tells me. It's the first kind words she tells me and I'm happy for them.

"Come on Katniss, I'll walk you to your quarters." Finnick holds me by my shoulders and escorts me out. I see Gale standing by the wall where I left him, he looks somber so I look away from him.


	5. Chapter 5

I don't know how long we've been here anymore. I don't think it matters. I must be eighteen by now. I sit in my cell, and I'm happy to know that today I feel like myself. Today's session with my captors was strange. I wasn't physically tortured but I was injected with something, again, that only put me to sleep but now that I'm awake unlike other times, I feel fine. I'm not suffering from the effects from whatever drug they pump into me, I've described it to Johanna as the tracker-jacker's effects. I look down at the flimsy paper cloth like fabric that makes up our clothes. I guess they soak up our bodily fluids pretty nicely. For some time, I actually thought that they were giving us bigger sizes, it dawned on me that we're losing weight. I start to laugh at my stupid oversight.

"What's so funny?" Asks Johanna as she leans against me from her cell.

"A few months ago, I thought they were giving us bigger clothes – I didn't realize that we're the ones dwindling down." I start to laugh.

She laughs too. "Stupid."

"I know. " then my hands catch my attention. They are huge, they haven't shrunk and they look like they don't belong to my now skinny arms. It's hard for me to know exactly what I look like but comparing my hands to my forearms indicates a huge difference. My hands are broad, my fingers long and thick, they look like I'm wearing oversized gloves. I laugh again.

"What now?" Johanna asks.

"My hands, they're huge." I say.

"Are you high?" She asks turning around to look at me so I turn around too to face her. I hold up my hands and show them to her.

"See – they're big – they don't go with my little arms now." I say smiling.

She stares at them and smiles endearingly. "Like a puppy."

I look at her quizzically. "What? What do you mean." I say.

"Puppies… you know when they're little you can tell how big they're going to be by the size of their paws, they grow faster than their bodies." I stare at her because I don't think I've ever seen a puppy. I remember seeing wild dogs that were desperate enough to run into District 12 but people would hunt them down for food. I don't think I've ever seen puppies. Johanna picks up on my confusion. "Tell me you've seen puppies before."

"Nope. I've eaten wild dogs before. That's about it." I say and she looks horrified.

"You ate dogs. You're disgusting." She says to me.

"I like puppies." Annie suddenly joins the conversation.

"Even she has seen puppies." Johanna says shocked at my deprivation. "Would you eat puppies?" she asks Annie.

"No!" Annie looks horrified.

I start laughing. "Well, District 12 was no 7 or 4 – Annie." I say and Annie smiles at me. "What would you do with them?" I ask.

Johanna stares at me again – dumbfounded. "Nothing and everything. They're companions, they're life savers. I guess unlike District 12, in 7 we enter the woods every day. Dogs accompany us. They are great look outs against wild animals." She smirks. "Plus they are great hunters. Hunting is illegal so we don't do it, but there is nothing on the books that prohibits dogs from hunting. So, when we would walk into the woods to work the dogs would follow us and hunt. By the time we got home, they had animals piled up in our homes. Birds, rabbits, other mammals, fish even" She smiles appreciatively.

I'm stunned I would have never thought a dog could have this purpose. "You're kidding me! Katniss and Gale would risk their lives every day to go out there and hunt to survive and this whole time you had animals doing the risky work for you." I suddenly stop because for the first time in I don't know how long, I don't suffer from anxiety at the thought of her, Johanna notices too and smiles at me. I continue my thoughts. "You had a dog?"

Her smile fades. "Yes. He was with me forever. He must have been over 15 years old when he died."

"I'm sorry. Old age?" I ask

"No – he was the last thing Snow took away from me." She says staring into space and I can see tears pooling in her eyes.

"What was his name?" Annie asks.

She smiles. "Redwood. He was named after a type of tree. It's a majestic tree that grows in our forests, they're huge and so old. They're beautiful." She wipes her tears. "Anyway – when you find a puppy and know nothing about the litter, you have to wait a few weeks and pay attention to the paws to see how big it'll be."

I stare at my hands again and laugh. "Well I suppose my hands were telling at some point, not so much anymore." I hold them up again so that they see them. Johanna stares at them sadly and she reaches through the rails and holds one of them, running her fingers over the latest scars. I smile at her. "Remember what you said to me before the Quell?"

"I said a lot."

"You were fascinated by them – that they were big and strong and scarred and that you liked that I could paint delicate details on a canvas and frost delicate flowers on cookies – you were wondering what they could do in bed." I wink at her playfully.

"Wow, you are feeling better – you're flirting with me." She says and Annie giggles.

"You know, I'm pretty sure I'm eighteen years old now." I say to her playfully.

Her smile fades away. "You think we've been here that long."

I nod yes. "Maybe a year or shy of it. It feels like an eternity."

"A lifetime." Annie says.

"What do you think is going on out there?" I ask.

"Anything is possible – but I do know the rebels haven't won yet. We're still here." She says. She changes the subject. "Peeta – you're feeling better today. I have to ask you about her." She says gently. I look nervously at her. "I don't know what they're doing to you but you come back sometimes to us and you can't say her name, you're furious and you say terrible things…"

"Katniss." I say the word waiting to see what happens but nothing. I'm fine again. Annie and Johanna stare at me. "I don't know what they're doing. I don't remember much about the Games or the Quell. I mean I do some things. I remember everything about you Johanna, Finnick, Chaff, the other tributes, but everything associated to her is skewed and hazy. I can't trust the memories. Same thing about our first Games. I just remember my life before the Games clearly, I remember my family, my friends, Ivy, Katniss – how much I loved her. But – it's like I don't feel those feelings anymore – not for her. I just have a memory of everything I felt. Does that make sense. It's like seeing a picture of my feelings but they're no longer coming from a place inside of me. Like it happened to me but someone else. It's like remembering everything about food, a favorite meal, but you can't taste it. Does that make sense?"

"What did you feel or remember?" Annie asks.

"I remember everything before the Games and before the Quell. Being home."

"What do you think you know about you and Katniss?" Johanna asks.

"I know I loved her. My past is proof of it. I remember I was always heartbroken, because it was unrequited. I remember it hurt but I couldn't let her go because it was my only connection to her. It was the only thing I could get from her. Heartbreak through unrequited love. Our lie, the star-crossed lover act. I didn't care though, it didn't matter to me how desperate I was for her, how pathetic it made me. I wanted to prove that I would do anything for her, that I would give anything for her. Until I had nothing left. It's a strange sensation thinking back on that – where did that love go, what did it get me? It gives me chills because I know there is more there that perhaps it's hiding inside of me. It's chilling to think that their tests their torture has ripped something that I held so dear – but that would hurt me in its own rite. I remember her constantly ignoring me, avoiding me, or both. Now I don't know what's worst, this emptiness that I feel now that my love for her has escaped me or my completely forgetting her." I look at them and they looked shocked to hear what I'm saying, I'm even more surprised that Annie is following along.

I continue. "Looking back I feel like the love that I had for her very much restricted me, it imprisoned me, I was willing to die for her and I knew I would never get anything in return. I don't' know how I feel about that now. I'm bothered by the idea that people would now only perceive me as her boyfriend, because that's all I ever cared to portray. They don't care about me because I didn't care about myself enough to make them think I was worth saving. If I'm honest, I regret that now. I'm sick of the idea that the rebels may be prolonging this whole star-crossed lover thing, and using it somehow. I hated it before, if I get out of here and that' still going on, I'll hate it even more. I guess even though I don't feel the way I did before nor do I remember everything anymore, I know that I sacrificed too much for people that were willing to let me - without a second thought."

"She loved you too Peeta." Annie tells me as I see a tear run down her face.

"Annie, no – she didn't It was an act that saved us during the Games. I loved her desperately and blindly, but we were never together." I assure her and she looks sad.

Johanna inquires further. "Peeta – I saw things in the Quell that showed how much she cared. You're telling me you two were not lovers? I mean I didn't believe it at first but at the Quell, you two seemed so… intimate. Plus, Peeta, I got the impression that she was going to die for you in that Arena."

I pull on my hair feeling frustrated it. "I don't remember what happened in the Quell." I answer her.

"You two were never lovers?" Johanna presses.

I stop to think about this long and hard. "No. The kisses you saw on camera were for the camera." I stop to think because I have flashes of memories that I can't fully understand. "I have memories that don't make sense – the only time we had any physical contact was when there were cameras around. But there are memories of us in bed together – the memories aren't sexual – but they seem intimate. But it doesn't make sense when would I have spent time in bed with her? After the Games, my memories of her from District 12 are hazy. I couldn't tell you how we were getting along. We were obviously collaborating. It's weird that I remember more about her by thinking of my friends and Ivy. I think it's because Snow never found out about them, so what I remember about Katniss is somehow associated to them. That's not much because she didn't really run in my social circles. It's so confusing! I loved her, I know I did, maybe I still do – but where did it go?" I stare at them in disbelief. "I remember my feelings but it's like they're not mine." I suddenly feel sad because a part of me is trying to break free desperately. "I don't know if I want that part of me back really because, I ended up here. The only good thing about this is that my being here helps the rebellion. But am I that important?"

"You are Peeta." Johanna reaches out to hold my hand. Suddenly my wall opens up and two guards are standing there. "Oh shit, now what." I say. They order me to stand up because it's show time. I stare at Johanna and Annie, we have no idea what this could mean.

I stand up and follow them, we walk into my torture chamber but we head towards its exit door. They turn around to handcuff my wrists and then they shackle my ankles. This makes it even harder to walk, I've lost so much muscle mass and weight that my prosthetic doesn't really fit anymore and I'm limping a lot.

"May I ask where we're going?" I ask.

"You're doing an interview." They tell me.

"On television?!"

"Yes."

We enter an elevator and go up several floors. I remember this from the day when I arrived. I look at something white hanging in the wall and I want to cry because I realize that it's sunlight glaring through a window. I haven't seen daylight. I feel like I'm about to start hyperventilating I'm so excited.

"Can we go outside?" I ask.

"Are you kidding me" the guard tells me annoyed.

I laugh because it is a ridiculous request. What is wrong with me. I suddenly feel very self-conscious. The way I'm acting, the way I'm perceiving this situation doesn't seem right. I try to focus. Finally they unlock a door and two more guards come to hold my arms as they unshackle me. They finally open the door and they escort me in. My stomach sinks because I see the back of two women that I would recognize anywhere. Effie and Portia. They're talking among themselves nervously and they seem to be totally unaware that we walked in. Suddenly Portia turns around to move a box and she sees me.

"Peeta!" She screams as she drops the box she was holding. She looks horrified, she's so affected that she needs to hold on to a chair because she looks like she's going to pass out. She starts sobbing. Effie then turns around and looks around the room frantically, looking for me I'm sure, but she keeps looking past me. She doesn't recognize me. I start to feel tears in my eyes. I look at Portia who's sobbing uncontrollably and Effie looks down at her and she finally looks in my direction and realizes that it's me. She falls to her knees and she looks like she can't breathe. The guards unshackle me, pull away from me, and close the door behind them. I hear them lock it.

Portia straightens up and runs to me and embraces me. "Peeta." She sobs. I cry into her shoulder. Effie approaches us slowly and she's still in shock. She touches my face with her hand, to confirm that I'm real.

"That bad huh?" I say, trying to lighten the mood.

Portia pulls away and tugs me towards a chair. "Please sit down." She runs to another door and demands that they bring food and water. I laugh; one meal isn't going to bring her beautiful strong boy back. Effie finally snapped out of it and she's crying to the side. Again, why am I laughing. I shudder when I think of my attitude, where is it coming from.

"Portia what's happening?" I ask.

She turns to me and runs to my side again. "They're going to interview you again. Caesar. The fighting hasn't stopped."

"It's not going to." I say.

"That's not what Snow wants." She tells me.

"What does he want from me?" I say.

"Peeta, Katniss is the Mockingjay. She the symbol of the rebellion, District 13 is successfully marketing her."

"It doesn't seem like something she would want to do. Are they forcing her?" I ask truly curious because from what I remember about Katniss, she would rather run away than be on the spotlight.

"They want you to talk to her and the Districts, that they put down their weapons or everyone will parish." She says.

"I'm not going to do that. If he wants to shoot me on live television, then so be it." I say.

Suddenly Snow walks in. "You'll have to Peeta."

I jump to my feet and I'm ready to rip his throat out but Portia and Effie hold me back.

"Peeta, please don't!" They plead. They sit me back down. Snow smiles at me and approaches us, he grabs Portia's arm to move her out of the way. But then, he pushes her back hard, pulls out a gun and shoots her in the chest. I hear screams and I think it's me. I run to her side – I press my hand over her wound and she stares at me wide eyed. She's mouthing something so I lean down to her.

"Don't give up, please. Play the game until you win." She whispers to me. I'm cold, I don't even have tears anymore. I'm suddenly aware that her heart stopped beating underneath my hand. I pull her into an embrace and I don't ever want to let go.

"Peeta." Snow calls me. I look up at him and he's actually smiling. "You're going to do as I say, or Effie is next." I look at Effie and she's barely hanging on. Guards run in to pull Portia's limp body.

I look down to Portia, kiss her forehead. "I promise I will." I whisper in her ear. "Fine. It's showtime." I pull my bloodied shirt off me. I see Effie look away from the sight of me. Snow then walks out of the room. I know exactly what I need to do. I walk towards a wall and realize that there's a mirror. I finally see myself and I fall to my knees in horror. Effie runs to me and holds me.

"I don't even recognize me." I stare at the mirror, I'm emaciated, my hair is now a light brown, I have a beard, and there isn't a trace of a strong body anymore. I suddenly start laughing uncontrollably.

"Why are you laughing?" Effie asks bewildered.

"Because when the Districts see me, when the Capitol sees me, Snow is going to have a fresh badge of rebellions. He's desperate Effie, don't you see."

"He can still kill you Peeta, don't let him do that."

"He already has Effie. He has taken everything away from me. He destroyed my home, he killed my family, he killed my friends, he's tortured me…"

"Katniss is still out there." She tells me with a beaming romantic smile. I smile at her.

"Effie – he took away my love for her. Everything that made me who I was is gone. But I'm not going to let him kill you. We better get me ready – I'm a big project, not sure you'll be able to fix this."

She stares at me looking broken hearted. I've crushed her.

They finish getting me ready. I can't believe this is happening. This morning I woke up, tortured, passed out, woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed, then I was being rushed off to do an interview with Caesar. Then Portia was killed in front of me. As I try to process this and figure out how I feel about it all. I'm pushed towards the entry to the stage. I suddenly stop to look at my hands, I'm shocked by them again. They look like the old me, I suddenly can't stop thinking about my reflection in the mirror and these hands definitely don't belong to this body. I suddenly feel grief and I start to tremble. I have to bite my hand so that I can compose myself. I hear Caesar call my name. Here we go.

I walk out on stage and no one is prepared to see the sight of me. Why is he doing this, what good can come of this? I wonder. Caesar's smile drops and he actually fall over to his chair. He looks like he's seen a ghost. The audience doesn't clap, cheer, just silence. I look out to see them and some look away. I actually see some tinted colored citizens crying at the sight of me. As I approach the seat, I stumble a little and Caesar jumps to his feet to hold me up. It's completely unnecessary but clearly he's terrified that I may die at any moment.

"I'm fine." I tell him and I hold his arm and I realize he's shaking.

"Will someone get water, please quickly." He shouts. Someone comes running and hands us the water. I realize that it's for me. Like Portia, they're trying to rehydrate me to make up for this past year.

"It's okay." I tell him. He looks at me and there are tears in his eyes. "Let's just get this over with." He nods and signals the cameras to start rolling.

I do as expected by Snow. I plead to Katniss and the rebels that they stop to reconsider what is happening. That they will keep fighting until they kill each other off, then what will be the point. I don't know that I can deliver a speech like before. I'm tired and dizzy. I don't care to be effective. It's over in a matter of moments. Caesar asks the cameras off. As soon as he does this, the guards sweep in to pull me off my seat. I feel very tired and I can't even get my legs to respond. They have to carry me off, I finally feel as weak as I look. My head leans back and I look at Caesar who hasn't moved from his seat. He just stares after me in disbelief with tears running down his face. The audience stares after me crying trying to reach out to me.

I'm lead down a corridor and in the distance I see a door open, on the other side I see day light again. I'm mesmerized by the sky. The sun is setting, the muted orange. I'm hit by a memory. Me and Katniss sitting on the roof of the training center. She was asleep in my arms and I woke her up to see the sunset. I remember that I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the sky, and I thought it would be the last sunset I would ever see again. Nevertheless, I'm still here. I feel something beautiful inside of me. I hold on to that precious feeling because I used to live for these moments. I hold my own sides. I'm so sorry I say aloud. I say it to myself because I was not good to myself, and I deserved better. I'm finally brought down to my torture chamber, through that wall, into my cell. They set me down and I see Johanna and Annie standing there. Their arms reaching out to me, waiting to hold me. I gladly turn myself over to them.


	6. Chapter 6

After seeing Peeta I have hope rising inside of me. I believe that he is alive and well. But now I feel ashamed of my actions this past year, my cowardly behavior, my self-destructiveness, and above all my reliance on morphling to escape my responsibilities. I can't stop thinking about the last night we spend together in the training center, not only did he want me to win the Quell but he wanted me to go home and live not just survive. Considering my circumstances the personal assaults that have been sent my way, I should want to fight back but instead I want to wallow. Had he been here this whole time, we'd be a lot closer to winning this war. He wanted me to win because he understood how much my family needed me, and what have I done – shut them out. I have to get him out, I have to think of a way to get him back here.

First thing – I have stop my dependency on morphling. I've tried to stop completely but I ended up in the hospital. Once this happened, I realized I had to be completely honest with myself and my doctors. I told them that I had a problem and so they have decided to wean me off it slowly under medical care. So, once again, I'm admitted to the District 13 hospital. Finnick visits me often, he's in and out more than I am. He's very fragile and he keeps suffering from nervous breakdowns. He doesn't have to say it, but since seeing Peeta, he's hoping Annie is still out there in hopefully the same healthy condition we saw him in.

It's been three weeks since I saw his interview and I can't get him out of my mind. Finnick is sitting with me in my room and he's trying to teach me a card game. We have the television on in the background, it's funny how the District has managed to take hijack their television signal and the District has stayed well connected to the Capitol's news. Unlike us, they have turned away from the annual Games. People here can't fathom the idea of being forced to watch that torture. It's refreshing to be in a place that is repulsed by the idea. They've been fortunate. The show on the background is interrupted by a special report. Finnick and I look up and see Caesar's face.

"What do you think this is…" I begin to say but I'm interrupted by the camera focusing on Peeta walk across the stage. A gasp escapes my mouth and Finnick instantly climbs the bed with me and starts to rock me back and forth. I start crying without really registering my reaction. "That can't be him Finnick.." I'm whispering because I feel like I'm going to start screaming. He's limping a lot, his broad shoulders and sturdy built is completely gone – he's starving. I can clearly see his collar bones and the shirt he wears, while small, is still too big for him. I can see ribs poking out and the skin on his neck is sagging. His skin is almost a grayish complexion and his eyes are completely sunk in. I can see thick layers of makeup desperately trying to cover up marks on his face. His message is for me, that the fighting I am supposedly leading must stop because otherwise, there will be nothing left. He talks to all of Panem too, the rebels, that they must question the real purpose behind District 13. Snow is making him an enemy to the rebellion. Thankfully, I had enough sense before to guarantee him immunity before agreeing to play the Mockingjay. I was afraid something like this would happen. Just as Caesar wraps up the interview, Peeta looks down as the camera zooms in on his face. I notice that his eyelashes are gone, his impossibly long eyelashes are gone. Any trace of him, my Peeta is gone. I begin to wonder about his mind and heart. What will be left for us to rescue. The interview is short, why wouldn't it be, nobody wants to see Peeta like that, not even the Capitol's biggest supporters. Snow must know that, this is a clear personal attack on me and he has successfully hit the target.

Finnick grabs the remote control and shuts off the television. He turns to me again and grabs me by my shoulders I'm wide eyed and paralyzed by horror and utter heart ache. I'm about to give into the unbearable pain storming in my heart when he shakes me.

"No. No Katniss. Stay with me." He demands. "Now more than ever – you have to stay present."

"Finnick – did you see him? How did they do that – what did they do to him?" I start to cry. "What if we get him out and the rebels consider him a traitor, I know what I did to protect him, with immunity, but what if it's not enough. After what he has gone through? I can't…" I start to sob and Finnick hugs me.

"I know." He says to me as he rubs my back.

"What did they do to him? It's only been three weeks." I say aloud in disbelief.

"Katniss, I think this confirms what Beetee mentioned last time. That last interview must have been taken months ago, possibly right after the Quell." He says.

"What if he doesn't survive Finnick? He's starving…" I say and I think back to how I felt slowly dying as a child due to starvation.

"Is that Annie's condition too?" He says as he stares into space. He's haunted I can tell. There are only silent tears between us now.

Suddenly Gale enters the room and we wipe the tears as fast as we can. It's strange that I feel like I need to hide this from him. But he has become a soldier, a fighter for the rebellion, a rebellion that doesn't have my full allegiance. Yes, I have fought along his side, I have fought to defend the Districts because I truly believe in defending those that can't fight back, but deep down inside I'm barely hanging on. More importantly, I don't trust Coin. She's turned me into a soldier without my consent, not even my mother's consent. Part of me feels like I've gone from one arena to another, yes this one appears more merciful but it still doesn't feel right. To makes matters worse, Gale has impressed Coin, and I don't want to compromise him with my actions or future actions. Part of me also feels a little resentful, there was a time when the only thing that mattered was looking out for each other and our families, but this has changed. He has other allegiances, to someone that has no problem watching me self-destruct as long as I put on my costume and do her bidding.

"Hi." Gale tells us.

"Hello." My guard goes up and my stomach sinks, the first thing I wanted to hear out of his mouth was for him to tell me something pertaining to Peeta's latest interview. I observe him closely and he looks up at the television. I feel tightness in my chest, he knows.

"What are you two up to?" He says looking around the room and his eyes come across the remote control on my bed.

I'm studying him and I start to feel angry but I stay cool and collected. "Finnick is teaching me a card game" I look down and I'm still holding on to the cards.

"Oh – be sure to teach me sometime." He says.

"What brings you by?" Finnick asks him flashing him a charming smile.

"I wanted to see Catnip." Gale says. I wince to hear him call me this. I smile at him.

"Sit down then." Finnick tells him.

"No – I won't get in the way I don't have a lot of time but I wanted to run in and see you, in case I can't make it by later."

I look up from my cards but I can't fake a smile. I just stare at him. "That's sweet of you. I'll see you another time then." I look back down to my cards. I can't even look at him walk out. As soon as the door closes I slam the cards on my bed. "Damn them – even him, Do I have to protect Peeta from him too..." The tears start to escape me again.

"You don't know that." Finnick tells me. "You're panicking right now, someone definitely sent him in here to assess the situation."

"He should have told me!" I shout back. "Haymtich too, he should have been here by now. The hell with them, all of them."

The next day there is an emergency meeting organized by Coin, it's so important that Finnick and I are pulled from the hospital. They begin by talking about my next propo. Finnick will be part of it since we'll be heading to District 4. I look over at Finnick and he doesn't look happy about it, I'm sure he's not happy about returning to memories of Annie, unlike me, he can only imagine the condition she's in since we haven't seen her. I squeeze his hand and I lean in to whisper in his ear.

"You're not going in alone, I'm with you." I tell him wholeheartedly and I kiss his temple. As I sit back up I catch Gale glaring at him, clearly our closeness bothers him. I look around the room and I see Haymitch, he's lost in thought, clearly haunted by what he saw yesterday but they say nothing to me. I decide to give them the benefit of the doubt but the meeting is ending and no one has said a word to me about Peeta's condition.

"If there are no more issues to address, this meeting is adjourned." Coin tells everyone.

"I have an issue to address." I say and Finnick turns to look at me. I meet his eyes and he smiles at me. I feel braver; I also get the feeling that I'm in the Game again. I realize that I'm about to make Coin my opponent but I don't care. I have to be bold and I have to be brave. After all, isn't that why I'm the Mockingjay.

"What is it Katniss." Coin tells me sounding genuinely interested.

"When were any of you going to discuss Peeta's interview from yesterday?" I look around the room and I see Gale close his eyes and sigh deeply. Then I look at Haymitch and at the least he is looking at me in the eye, once again looking ashamed.

"You saw it." Coin affirms. "We didn't know if you had.." she says but I interrupt her.

"You would have known had you just had Gale ask me yesterday."

"Katniss…" Gale begins to say but I interrupt him too.

"Shut up." I say without looking at him. My gaze doesn't leave Coin's.

"The deal was, I'm your Mockingjay provided we work together, and that includes protecting Peeta and that I'm involved in any discussion pertaining to him. I'm sure you all had plenty to say over yesterday's interview. Beetee, you must have confirmed that the interview from three weeks ago is much older than we thought." I say looking at him. I'm surprised that there's an encouraging look in his eye. He seems happy that I'm speaking out and his support means the world to me. It gives me the courage to keep confronting Coin. I look back at her.

"Katniss, you are going about this all wrong. You just checked into rehab, your doctors as well as your closest friends, fear that you are too fragile to handle this. It was painful for me to see him in that condition, I can only imagine what it did to you to see him like that."

I feel tears burning my eyes because I start to see his unrecognizable face. I don't mind when my voice breaks because I learned from Peeta that showing genuine emotion is very effective. "It killed me." And I can't help the small sob that escapes me along with the tears that spill over but I don't back down. I take a deep breath to continue. "You need to remind the rebels that you are standing by him, and that you are guaranteeing him immunity along with the surviving captive Victors."

"Katniss – you need to leave politics and rebellion operatives to me – what he said is treason – we are fighting a very delicate war…" She tries to explain but I interrupt her.

"Do it!" I demand and my voice doesn't shake or break. She's stunned and furious all at once by my tone. "Or you find another Victor, that pulled nightlock berries, to defy an entire nation."

"Katniss - I've been more than tolerant to your behavior. I have tolerated your morphling addiction and protected you…" I cut her off again.

"You sure have – you personally gave me the generous prescriptions." I say defiantly, I've taken on Snow there is no reason why I can't take on Coin too. She stares at me as she takes a deep breath to calm down.

"Katniss, if you let me finish. I gave you my word that I would protect Peeta and I will. You need to anticipate that other rebels will have a problem with his words and we will have to address the topic of treason."

"Well – I'm sure you'll have a way to subdue that talk. Primarily starting with showing your support for him. You can start by pointing out his physical condition, how it's proof of torture and we have to do everything we can to keep fighting to save him. How's that for an idea." I say to her.

She nods. "I'll take care of it Katniss, you have to trust that we will do what we have to do, to get him back. Believe me, no one more than me, wanted him here." She says with a smile, reminding me that I am her least favorite person. I nod smiling because my sentiment is the same. She stands up and walks away, her lieutenant, Boggs, gives me an approving look, which surprises me. I guess he didn't think I had it in me. For good reason, thus far, he has been managing a depressed, drug induced crazy girl here and in battles. Including dragging me out of rooms where he has walked in on me and whatever young man I'm trying to drown my sorrows in.

Everyone follows Coin out, including Haymitch, who she actually dragged out with her. I stay seated and Finnick stays besides me holding my hand now. He kisses it and I turn to look at him and smile. Then I see him, still standing there, Gale.

"You have this all wrong." He says defensively.

"No I don't Gale. You're on her side, you're not looking out for me anymore." I say.

"It's more complicated than that. This is bigger than us. I've always felt that deep down inside and I've told you, even in 12. You know that. And I am looking out for you. Protecting him the way you want to, can cost you a lot, and if I have to protect you from yourself, I will do that. Because – I love you."

Finnick whistles at his last remark and I glare at Gale.

"Like it or not, his words are treason, and we don't know where his allegiance is, especially after what they've done to him. He is very likely just trying to save himself." Gale adds.

I'm furious now because he is judging him as if he had a right to do so. I'm disgusted with him and my face must show it because the moment he looks at my face he stops. "You're actually casting judgment on him, he is the bravest man I have ever met. Also, before you speak of him, or look down on him, you remember that you don't know what is going on over there and what he had to go through every day for this past year! What he did everyday to protect me, to save me before. Because he loves me."

"You're not being fair. I am by your side now, as much as you let me, I fight alongside with you…" He protests and I cut him off.

"Now you are. Before, you hunted with me, and we reaped mutual rewards from that. You didn't take on the Capitol with me until there was a whole army to shield you!" He's stunned that I'm reproaching him. "Tell me Gale, why didn't you volunteer to go in with me to my first Games?" I stand up now approaching him. I realize I'm being cruel because I would have never wanted him to do that but I want him to hurt for hurting me. "I have no doubt, that if another boy had been reaped, Peeta would have volunteered even then, to try to save me. That's how brave he is, how selfless he is… that's how much he loves me." And I start crying at the thought because I don't doubt that for a second.

I see tears in his eyes and I finally feel satisfied. I hurt him. "Fine then. You know where I stand, I am not going to bend at your will the way Peeta would for you. I am not him and I don't care if you agree with my actions. I'm protecting you and right now that's what matters most to me. And for the record, we were concerned that you weren't going to handle it well." He walks away.

"You shouldn't jump to conclusions about him Katniss." Finnick tells me.

I wince when he says this, and I close my eyes. "I was closer to him than anybody in this world Finnick." I take a deep breath because remembering our closeness makes me shake. I bring my hands to my face. "I hate, that now I feel like I have to protect Peeta from him, the person I trusted more than anyone in this world."

"Katniss, he's hurting. All you have to do is put yourself in his shoes to understand him. You two were lovers one moment…" I interrupt him because I'm startled by what he says.

"Where did you hear that?!" I ask defensively.

"I don't know, everyone knew that your cousin, was really not your cousin, but the Capitol had to present him that way. I wouldn't know where to tell you from whom I heard it first and when I first heard it."

"We were never lovers." I clarify. Finnick just looks at me as if trying to figure me out.

"Then what were you exactly?"

"For starters he was my best friend, but so much more. I loved him, I still do. But…"

"Not the way you love Peeta." He finishes for me when I can't say it.

"I tried but you can't will yourself to feel that. I have to say that perhaps, if I had never been reaped, I guess Gale and I would have sat down and discussed our futures and agreed that it would be best that we marry. Besides, the whole Seam, hell the whole District, assumed we would."

"Wow – you sound thrilled."He says teasing my dryness. "You said it was more than friendship – did you desire him?"

I feel nervous talking about Gale this way.

"Come on Katniss, I've walked in on you in very compromising situations with random guys, and you can't talk to me about Gale…" He pushes.

"Sometimes I would. I'm attracted to him." I admit to him. "Why is this relevant?" I ask feeling frustrated with his inquiries.

"Because – Gale, loves you and you love him, and you are ready to make him the enemy. You need to tone it down and understand where he's coming from. Katniss if you want to take on Snow and Coin and save Peeta, you are going to need as many allies as possible. If I were you, Gale would be my first choice. Plus, I like that he stands up to you." He adds and I scowl at him. "Put that scowl away little girl. Come on, let's go back to the infirmary, I'm ready for a drug infused sleep."


	7. Chapter 7

The torture is unimaginable since the last interview. I've begged them to kill me instead. The worst aspect about it is what they are doing to my mind. I don't know what I prefer to be fully conscious and aware or lost in the drug-induced madness so that I'm unaware of what is happening to me. Once again, I can't bring myself to think of Katniss, say her name, or even hear her name. The rage that I fly into is inexplicable. I am now convinced about many things, she used me, she betrayed me, and she is inevitably responsible for the destruction of my home, my family, and my friends. Worst, she is the cause of my torture. I'm full of hatred most of the time, and I daydream about killing my captors. In one occasion, I was catatonic for a whole week. When I regained all of my senses Johanna and Annie were there begging me to return to them. There are moments where I feel lucid and I have total clarity or at least what I believe to be clarity. I couldn't believe how hysterical Johanna was over my condition she was a sobbing mess, even Annie had to tell her to get it together. I sat up and reached through the bars and pulled her face towards me to press my forehead to hers.

"Peeta – I thought we'd lost you. What are they doing to you?" She inquired between sobs and tears.

"I don't know – they put me under. All I can say is that there is storm in my mind Johanna. I don't know what is up or down after those sessions. I would welcome the physical torture over this." I take deep breaths. "I promise you one thing – I'm going to kill every single one of them, every single one that laid a finger on me. On us. I swear it." I kiss her forehead. I then speak into her ear. "Johanna I need you to promise me one thing and please don't turn me down." I plead.

"Anything."

Good, this is exactly what I need to hear. "After, when I make them all pay, you kill me."

She immediately breaks free from me and stares at me wide eyed. "Absolutely not. Not that."

"Johanna, I have a memory of myself from what now feels like another life, I didn't want the Capitol to change me, I wanted to be me, on my terms. After the Games, I changed but on my terms. I had my integrity. It's gone now, nothing that mattered does anymore. They killed me and now I'm just an empty shell. Please Johanna – promise me that you will do that for me."

"Peeta – I look at your eyes right now, you're there, you're here. I know this is hard but you will get better."

"No, you'll get better. I've lost my mind. I don't believe in anything that I used to believe in. There is no point…"

"Yes there is! If we get out of here we are going to fight to bring them down, Peeta. You do still know Snow is responsible for everything right! Do you?"

I think long and hard and she's right. There's that clarity, unquestionable truth, he's the enemy and like the rebels I want to bring him down.

"Let that be your purpose and I promise you along the way you will find beauty again. But don't ask me to kill you. I'd take my own before hurting you."

"Jo – whatever it is that you see in my eyes now, if one day you see it completely gone. Please reconsider." I say to her. "I'm tired I'm going to sleep."

"Yes, please sleep, but first, Peeta – tell me about Ivy…" Johanna asks, her usual request when she fears she's lost me. Asking me about Ivy has become a check point, a test so to speak. Am I still here.

I lay on my back and lay my head on Annie's leg, which is sticking through the bars and into my cell. She begins to run her hands through my now short hair. I sigh and think of the beautiful redhead. "She's quite possibly the most beautiful girl in town. Her long wavy red locks that reach the middle of her back. Her face, her amazing poker face, the one that refuses to give anything away. Her large emerald green eyes that sit above a regal nose and perfectly full-sculpted lips. There is something about her presence, the way she holds herself, that gives you the impression that she's cunning, calculating even. But I know better." I close my eyes and I can see her. I feel a smile on my face before darkness consumes me.

Today after my morning in the torture chamber, once again I feel completely lucid. I can think clearly and I don't feel the storm that brews in my head. If I didn't know better I would believe that they healed me. Johanna is not in here, only Annie.

"Hello Annie." I say to her and I'm genuinely happy because I feel like I haven't been able to fully appreciate her with a clear head in a long time.

She smiles and runs to my arms. "Peeta – are you okay today?"

"Yes. How about you?"

"I don't remember anything about today, from the room." She looks sad and her chin is trembling as tears begin to pool in her beautiful green eyes.

"No, Annie, my little starfish, don't cry. This is a good day, in comparison to others. Don't you think? I'm not an animal and you don't have to remember horrors. Let's be ready for Johanna." She nods.

"You know what I want. I want to hug you without these bars between us. Johanna too. Especially at night. I want to sleep holding the two of you off this cold floor and without these cold bars between us." She says smiling at me.

"That would be lovely." I say to her. Then my mind wonders to reassess my thoughts and feelings. Because I know the hatred that brews inside of me but why is that right now it has completely subsided. I'm not obsessed with it. I allow my mind to wonder to the thought of Katniss and I don't lose it. "Annie can you do me a favor. Will you say her name, the Mockingjay's name?" I ask her cautiously.

She smiles and whispers her name because she still thinks it's a secret. "Katniss."

It has no effect whatsoever.

"Thank you my little start fish." I hug her again. I then allow myself to sit down, unclip the prosthetic, and rub my leg. It's swollen and it doesn't fit anymore, I've lost too much muscle mass. I feel disgusted just looking at the size of my leg. I try to understand why I'm disgusted, I was never like that before. I know my memories are blurry but I do remember some things. Including being electrocuted in the Quell. I remember feeling physically impotent, I couldn't keep up with anybody. I was physically among the strongest and I couldn't do anything. I felt useless. I remember that much. Now, here, I've lost all my physical strength, there isn't a physical trace of what I was before and I feel weak for it and I hate it.

The next day, I'm not so lucky. There is a raging storm taking over my mind, muddling everything that is precious to me. My whole being only knows hatred and I want to make everyone pay for it. Once more the day after that, total clarity. I'm starting to wonder if this back and forth is torture. Because I certainly feel like I lost my mind, and I'm discovering that is one of the worst things that could happen to me. The day carries on and I'm starving. They haven't fed us today nor have we had water. I'm trying to think of anything but food. I actually start to wish that I were unaware lost in that storming trance that makes me lose the need for basic human functions like eating. My cell wall opens again into my torture chamber and we're startled. Johanna, Annie, and I look at each other. Once again, there are peacekeepers telling me to follow them. I immediately think of my last interview.

"Showtime again?" I ask.

"Yes." They proceed to shackle me up and then one of them turns around and leaves, leaving just one peacekeeper to escort me.

I laugh at this. "See that ladies, they only need one to move around what's left of me." Johanna shoots me a half-tense smile. I look at Annie, she playfully sticks her tongue out at me, which makes me laugh aloud because as innocent, and childish as this gesture is, it proves how nuts she is. Johanna looks at her, rolls her eyes, and she curses under her breath as she tries to nod off the insanity of our situation. I stand on the side of my torture chamber as my door slides closed and our cynical smiles leave us. Lately, every time they take one of us, I wonder if we'll make it back. We're in bad shape, and even when I feel like I have a lot of will to keep going, my body can't physically take it anymore. I'm certain of it.

Once again I'm walked down a long corridor that leads to an elevator. Once in the elevator the peacekeeper pushes me to the end of it until my back is up against the wall. He then proceeds to stand in front of me as he pushes the right button. He moves back towards me as he adjusts his collar, and for some reason I find this strange. I stare at his hand as he pulls on the back of the collar. He finally grabs a chain that he has around his neck, scratches his neck, but then pulls on the chain to pull on something. Then I see it, a gold locket, with a mockingjay on it. I stare at it to make sure I'm not imagining it. I get a flashback, of me sitting on a beach, must have been the Quell. I'm staring at Katniss and I hold out a locket for her. I feel like these memories don't really belong to me anymore, nor can I really remember them completely or understand the context behind these flashbacks.

"Who are you?" I ask quietly.

"You're going to be interviewed again, they will show it to District 13. Your mission is to tell them that tonight, the Capitol will bomb the district. Planes are already on their way."

My heart starts racing and before I can respond or react he continues. "I realize we are asking for a lot. I realize that you may be killed on the spot but we have to keep this war going."

I start laughing. "You just made me the best offer I may have ever heard. I don't have to think about it, If 13 is our best chance, I know what I must do." I start to laugh again. "And if they kill me, well, they'd be doing me a favor. It's a win-win for me." He turns around and looks at me, he actually looks sad to hear me talk like this. He looks at me closely now, his eyes look me up and down.

"Have you had anything to eat or drink today?" He asks sounding genuinely concerned.

"No." I say seriously now.

"I'll see what I can do about that."

We finally get out of the elevator and walk towards the same room where Portia was killed. Inside, Effie sits waiting on a sofa. When she sees me a gasp escapes her and she covers her face with her hands in an effort to hold back the sobs. She stands up and embraces me.

"Please get him some water and food. Soup, preferably."

I squeeze her hand and I'm excited by the idea that I am about to defy Snow again. I realize that Effie may get hurt but at this point, I know she's a rebel and she's willing to die for this cause. She orders me to sit down. Someone brought a pitcher of water and I drank it in no time. Effie rushes into the bathroom and prepares a shower, I notice that she pulls in a stool. She helps me up and she helps me sit down on the stool as she lets the shower run. She helps me out of my clothes and this time I see too much anger in her face for the tears to take over as she assesses my physical condition.

"How are you still standing?" She says aloud.

"Hopefully not for much longer."

"Don't you say that." She grabs my face.

"Effie, I'm tired, be honest I've actually deteriorated since last time I was here. I saw myself, I didn't think I could get worse. But I have. Wouldn't it be kinder if I just went." I say to her, truly wishing my end in sight.

She doesn't say anything else. She finishes cleaning me up instead. She then grabs a towel and begins to dry me.

"Effie, I can dry myself."

"Okay. I'll get your clothes."

Once I'm dressed she brings a bowl of soup, mostly broth and starts spoon feeding me.

"Are we done getting me ready?"

"Yes." She says.

I laugh. "No makeup!" I'm surprised.

"No, his orders."

"Why?"

"He wants to hurt her, he wants to let Katniss see what he's done to you."

I'm furious, not from hearing her name, but at Snow. He has made my whole life revolve around her and I let him do it. I remind myself that I am going to defy him tonight, and not just so that he kills me and ends my misery but because I can't let 13 come under. They have to win. I try to focus so that I don't let this rage I feel firing inside of me take over. "What does he want me to say?" I ask.

"Tell the rebels to put down their weapons, that they are wrong for fighting." I just nod.

I keep thinking of what I told Johanna before. I promise I will make every single one of them pay, anyone who ever put a finger on me. I come to the stage and I see myself in the mirror, I look like a monster. They didn't even bother shaving me this time. I have a beard growing. Wow, I have grown up and shrunk down all at once. The trace of torture is seen all over my face. They put me in a short sleeve shirt to show the scars on my arms, lucky for them there are fresh signs of torture on them. I'm wearing V-neck shirt that shows even more. I'm still recovering from a broken rib from about a month ago, and bruising is visible across my chest. Then there are the burn marks on my fingers, the missing nails. If they could see what wages in my mind, the Capitol would overthrow Snow this evening. I smile at the thought. I'm glad they are not going to hide it, like my prosthetic, let them see that they are tearing away at me every day. I think of my sturdy, capable, muscular body that the Capitol went wild for, there isn't a trace left of it. As Caesar calls my name, I step out and the murmuring crowd goes silent. I can hear them whisper my name in horror. I look at Caesar, he actually had to look away, and I swear I could see his shoulders shake. He doesn't look me in the face again until I'm sitting across from him.

Caesar just cuts to the chase and asks me, what's on my mind. "Once again I repeat my speech from last time. I urge Katniss to think about what she's doing and her actions and how she along with the rebels will destroy everyone and everything. The death tolls should tell anyone that they are not going to win and that there won't be anyone left. In the distance I can see a large screen where I can see myself, live. Suddenly I see it go blank and I see Katniss's face. I'm afraid that I'm having flashbacks or that I'm hallucinating so I stay quiet. I look at Caesar but I realize that he sees it too. Katniss is dressed in her Monckingjay suit, fighting, showing the horrors that Snow has done to everyone. Then they show her in District 12, walking through ruins. She stands in front of a broken building. She points out that it's my family's bakery. Seeing it hammers the last nail on their coffin. They're not in 13. She's pleading to me, I guess in case I am actually in support of ceasefire. I can't help but feel manipulated. And although most of the time I feel nothing for Katniss, I feel resentment right now. I stare at the floor and I start to cry because I think of my family and I'm sure my friends are also somewhere under that ruble. Just part of District 12 ashes. I look back up and screen shows my face. Whatever propaganda was shown from District 13 is over now. There are tears spilling out of my eyes. I wipe them and try to compose myself and look at the camera.

"I know. I had only imagined it up until now, but I know. I always did. Katniss…" I say talking to the camera waiting to see if I lose it again upon talking about her but I don't. I still have control. "by tomorrow morning, you'll be gone all of District 13 will be gone if you don't take cover!" Before I finish my statement, I see soldiers charge the stage and I'm tackled to the ground. I can see the screen in the distance. They are not stopping the filming, because they want her to see it. I feel kicks everywhere, until one gets me right in the face. I suddenly vomit and it's all blood. I look at the screen again, my face is covered in it. Please, kill me now. I beg and I hope they hear me.


	8. Chapter 8

Finnick and I are once again asked to join Coin's meeting. As I walk in, they tell me that they believe Peeta will be interviewed again and that this will be our chance to show our latest propo. I'm just happy to know that Peeta is still alive. I regret it the moment I see him. I didn't think it was possible, that he could disintegrate even more than the last time I saw him, but I was wrong. I fall to my knees and a sob escapes me. Finnick is by my side holding me and rocking me back and forth. I crawl away from him and I look back up at the screen. I can't believe it. This time, Haymitch runs to my rescue and oddly enough, I need him to hold me because I know he feels this pain too. He lifts me in his arms and sits me in a chair.

Just then he starts to talk and we don't know what to do because clearly all they had thought about was transferring our propo into their networks but no one anticipated to see Peeta in this condition. He's dying, painfully slow. He pretty much repeats the same things he said last time. I am comforted in knowing that Coin did express her support of Peeta and that without a doubt these torturous interviews only prove Snow's inhumane tactics. Well, this time he didn't even bother to cover them up with makeup. Just then, he looks startled and I know that it's our propo. The screen goes from my propo to him, I can see that he saw what is left of his family bakery. I regret it immediately; it's the last thing he needs to see. I start crying again. When the cameras return to him, he's looking at the floor, softly sobbing and he looks up, he wipes his tears. Then I don't really register what he says. We all just jump to our feet and Coin orders a Code Red.

My survival mode kicks in and I'm trying to get out of harm's way. I actually trust Coin's plan completely and I don't doubt for a second that my mother and sister will be downstairs. I'm upon the first to arrive to my designated area, of course I am, I'm the Mockingjay. I start to prepare everything. People get there, including my mother. I almost have a heart attack when Prim almost doesn't enter the safe quarters in time. I'm furious and I seriously consider ripping Buttercup's stupid head off once and for all. If Gale hadn't gone to make sure she wasn't in her quarters she wouldn't be here right now.

I look at Gale sheepishly. "Thank you Gale."

He nods. "Don't mention it, it's a habit really. Looking out for the Everdeen girls." He smiles but then stares at me nostalgically and he walks away.

It's strange that after seeing Peeta in the condition he was left in, bloodied and tortured, I welcome the feeling of worrying about my sister. I'm used to that I can handle that. I finally have time to talk to my sister and I realize how much I've shut her out. I feel ashamed but I realize that she doesn't need me the way she did before. Like Peeta, she's full of love and hope, she's a better survivor than me. I even play with the damn cat in hopes of distracting myself from what I saw. I begin to walk around and I find Finnick braiding a rope and then dismantling it, only to begin again.

"How are you holding up?" Finnick asks.

"Barely. I don't know how I'm conscious right now." I say to him feeling my whole being continuously shake. He reaches over to me and hugs me. He then pulls my body towards him on the bunker and he wraps his arms around me; holding me whispering soothing words into my ear. In the distance, I see that Gale has seen us and he looks angry, it's no secret to me that he's jealous over Finnick and our closeness. His sentiments are infuriating, doesn't he see that I have a lot to deal with already. I look away from him not giving him another thought.

"What if they kill him for this?" I ask Finnick.

"or both of them?" he says, I haven't mentioned it but I think he has given up hope on Johanna.

"Would it be better if they did?" I ask boldly.

"Snow wouldn't be that kind." He says.

"There's not much more he can do to him from what I saw." I regret the words the moment I say them. "I don't mean that. I just want him here. I can't… I'm going to implode if he's not in my arms Finnick. You know I never told him I love him. I'm so stupid."

"He knows you do." He told me.

"How do you know?" I look up at him.

He smiles. "At the Quell, that night you two were up on look-out duty, well, should have been up on look-out…" He eyes me with a playful smirk on his face. My mind runs to that hot and humid night and how I wanted him desperately after just one kiss. I couldn't get enough of him, I lost all inhibition and I didn't care. I actually blush thinking back to the passion that took over. "After I interrupted, which by the way, is so not my style. After he walked back to the beach to join me. I teased him and told him that I was shocked by your brazenness, what could possibly have come over you." His smile leaves him and he looks sad now. "He told me that you were caught in a moment, the feeling that took over, because you love him."

I stare at him and I feel tears jump to my eyes. "I never said it to him. You know I made love to him for the first time, two nights before we entered the Arena at the Quell."

"Nice way to send him off darling."

I laugh. "Beautiful way to send me off really. I went in with every intention of making sure that he won."

We sit in silence and I see Gale in the distance walking in our direction.

"Look who's coming our way. Have you two made up?"

"Not really." I say.

When he reaches us Finnick asks him to join us.

"Katniss, I'm sorry about Peeta. It hurts to see him like that." He says sincerely.

"Thank you." I say.

"I also wanted to say, thank you for agreeing to do that propo. I think it's going to deliver the message effectively. I know how hard it was for you to walk around District 12."

"No more than it was for you." I say. "How are you doing?"

"Getting better day by day, the only thing missing is you. I miss you."

My mind than wonders to District 12 and the people that are lost to us. Peeta's family is gone. Then I think of our friends. "Gale, what do you think happened to Madge? I know she had information on District 13. I still can't believe it." I look at his face and there is sheer horror and sadness.

"She didn't make it." And his voice breaks a little.

"I know that. You just told me that she didn't survive. Do you know more?"

"Yes. Maybe another time we can talk about that."

"I want to talk about it now." Just then, I hear bombs explode above us and we can feel everything shake. People scream but we stay put. "Please, Gale" I pull away from Finnick and I grab Gale's hand desperate to hear how 12 burned down, I'd rather focus on that then focus on the bombs crashing over our heads. I'll go mad, I know it.

"She had just given me the directions to get to 13 and I heard Rory calling me. She broke free from me and I went running looking for Rory. I finally found him and I just dropped him off at the Seam, I ran back to town, specifically to get Madge. She had run off to get her mother at her house. When I ran back into town, I could see the Mayor's house in plain sight. It was the first thing the firebombs hit. I had to turn around and leave. I kept hoping that she had already gotten out but that didn't happen."

"Who is Madge?" Finnick asks.

"She was my friend, my only girlfriend. Our friend" I smile and look at Gale. "Peeta's too. She was beautiful, sweet, kind, generous, smart. She should have survived." Then I think back to the days where I was paralyzed by jealousy over her, at the prospect of Peeta feeling something for her other than friendship. I hated seeing their closeness. I regret that jealousy now.

"Peeta knew her too?" Finnick asks.

"Yes." I say. For some reason I need to verbalize that old sentiment, to get this stupid senseless jealousy out of my head. I laugh at the thought of it. "I was jealous over her closeness to Peeta. For some time, I thought there could be something between them." I look at Gale and smile and he's not looking at me, he's staring at the floor lost in thought.

Finnick smiles. "Well Peeta is impressive, I'm sure he had a handful of admirers, you saw Johanna. She was smitten. She had a crush, platonic crush, but crush no less. I'm sure that regardless of how head over heels as he was for you, he must have had girlfriends." He says teasingly.

I laugh and I try to let my warm thoughts drown out the sound of the bombs falling and I hope Gale can follow our example. I'm aware of how tightly he's squeezing my hand, this must be a nightmare to him. "He did – he had fleeting girlfriends. Nothing lasting." I say tugging at Gale's hand in hopes of bringing him in the conversation. Then a huge realization hits me, why the hell would Gale want to talk about Peeta and my jealousy over him. I cringe as I realize my thoughtless mistake.

"Gale, why did Madge give you the information on 13? You weren't in charge of the uprising in 12." Finnick asks Gale. I look curiously at Gale, and I feel relieved that Finnick is now making this conversation relevant to him.

Gale looks at him and smiles and I see tears in his eyes. "I'm glad you asked that Finnick. Why would she give that to me? A few reasons really. She needed to get back home to try to get to her mother. A sick woman that didn't deserve Madge. I didn't want her to put herself at risk on account of her. She knew how stubborn I was, and persuasive. I had to drag her out of the street battles. I had to kiss her to even do that." I'm taken aback by this comment and Finnick's eyes widen a little as he quickly glances at me. He continues "And, she knew that I wasn't going to let her go then so she gave me an envelope and told me it was instructions on how to get to 13 as well is other information. She did it to startle me really. Then when we heard Rory's voice, she got her chance to break away. I found Rory, dropped him off then came back looking for her. I wasn't going to leave 12 without her. Then I saw the firebombs hit her house. I may have blacked out for a second and if it wasn't for whoever it was that lifted me and dragged me out, I may not have snapped out of it. I was devastated. You're right Katniss, she should have survived, she should be here. She deserved so much better than 12, her mother, me, you… all of this really."

I'm shocked, he's clearly confessing to me now. All I can do is stare at him as I squeeze his hand.

"Did you ever wonder why she risked the snow storm to bring morphling to me when Thread whipped me?" All I can do is squeeze his hand harder and harder because I've been so blind and I literally need everything explained to me. Then he starts laughing. "After the blizzard when I wanted to see Madge immediately because as it turned out she had stayed with Peeta for the full five days of the storm. Remember that?" And all I do is nod yes. "I didn't want it to be true. You do remember the tension in that room, Peeta's kitchen, tell me you felt it?" All I do is stare at him. "Well? Answer damn it!"

"Yes." I say to him

He smiles again. "There was all sorts of tension in that room and it had nothing to do with you. The fight I had with Peeta after she left and you pushed me out of his house – I heard you telling Peeta that he had to control his jealousy and that he couldn't attack me just because you and I were together. I heard him laugh at you, and I have to admit I did too." He pauses and stares at me for a long time waiting for me to say something but I feel dumb and embarrassed. "Did you figure it out yet? I had an affair with Madge because she was in love with me, and I completely took advantage of her. She ended up turning to Peeta for comfort after you and I got together. I was too stupid to fully acknowledge how much she actually meant to me because I couldn't look past my love for you. Until it was too late." He says this with tears falling down his face now and I have to look away from him. How could I have not seen what was going on with my best friends? Gale continues. "I have to hand it to Peeta, he doesn't let an opportunity get by him. He really does know how to seize the moment."

I look up at him and I can't control the resentment behind my gaze.

"Yes Katniss – you better believe it. Remember that beautiful portrait that he made of her. The one you destroyed. She was smiling softly with what must have been moonlight illuminating her face – she was glowing and Peeta couldn't look past her and that moment. I'm sure of it."

"Shut up. You don't know that." I manage to say to him bitterly and I hold back my tears.

"Yes I do, he confirmed it, he admitted it. My point to this painful confession is for you to learn a major lesson. You can' t go through life being so self-involved and show total disregard towards the people that are willing to die for you. There is a lot more to Peeta that you don't know I'm sure. Now, I'm going to go back to my family, they must be terrified right now." He pulls away from my hand and walks away leaving me cold. I feel shell shocked and it's not because of the bombs falling above us.

"Katniss?" Finnick calls to me.

"Don't" I say.

"That's in the past now."

And he's right. It's all in the past now. It doesn't matter but now I can't help but think of my nights with Peeta. I can't stop thinking about the five days where the whole world seized to exist for Peeta and Madge. I hate the jealousy that takes over and I cry uncontrollably on Finnick's shoulder. On top of that, I feel shame, because why does it matter? I'm miles underground, Snow's target, without a doubt Peeta is being tortured at the moment, and Madge is dead. But I can't help this new kind of heart break consuming me.

I manage to sleep due to the heartbreak, but I'm consumed by nightmares of Peeta being tortured by me. I'm still depending on the withdrawal medications and I can't wake up. I'm awaken from my sleep by Haymitch and Plutarch. I'm in Finnick's arms.

"Sweetheart – we need the two of you." He pets my head gently. I nod, thankful that he woke me up and Finnick and I follow them

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Peeta saved us all. Not a single casualty and the structural tests the engineers are running show that we're in good shape. We had enough time to save our resources too." Plutarch explains cheerfully.

I smile sadly. "I'm just afraid it will cost him his life. What do you need from us?"

"We need to tell Snow, you are alive and well. He failed and we got a lot in return." He says triumphantly.

"I don't think I can." I say, feeling another terrible headache start to take over. Plus, every time I close my eyes I see Peeta's face and the beating. I'm afraid that I am going to have a nervous breakdown. How am I suppose to find the will to put on a costume and perform. Snow's bombs may have failed in destroying District 13, but he hit me, his main target.

"If you want Finnick can go first." He suggests. I look at Finnick and he looks distracted as he ferociously bites his nails.

I don't even notice when they finish dressing me. I'm in a trance. We head to the elevator again and we brace ourselves to see the damage left by the bombs outdoors. They want to take us outside one at a time. Before we get out there, I see Plutarch talking to Finnick and Haymitch. Finnick looks pale and Haymitch looks upset. Whatever is being discussed Haymitch keeps nodding no, but Finnick nods yes. He looks at Haymitch, pats him on the shoulder and steps away. Once he's outside, I turn to the screen to hear his interview. He begins to talk about his days as a Victor. I'm floored when confesses that Snow sold him to the highest bidders, forcing him into prostitution. More importantly that his patrons, essentially started to pay him in secrets in the midst of their drug or alcohol infused stupor. I fall to my knees upon hearing this. Beautiful and shiny Finnick, was a continuous victim to the Capitol's greed. I feel sick to my stomach, when I think about the day I threw myself at him because I was too high to think straight. I completely objectified him, he must have felt sick and disgusted by me. I look at Haymitch and he doesn't look surprised, just sick.

"Did you know?"

"Yes, we all knew and he was not the only one."

I turn to him in horror. "Haymitch…" I gasp.

He stares at me. "No, not me, I refused. So Snow killed everyone in my life that mattered two weeks after my return from the Games." He says coldly. I begin to shake because who knows what would have happened to me had the capital not fallen in love with me and Peeta and our love story.

Finally, Finnick and Plutarch return. I run to Finnick and hold him as he collapses into my arms.

"I'm so sorry Finnick."

"It's okay." He says and then I feel him hold me up instead. "Katniss – he spilled roses all over, in the craters, there is a blanket of roses. The message is for you but you have to hold it together."

I'm furious now, I want to hit back with everything I have. I rush outside and they all follow me, including Finnick. The fight leaves me the moment I see the pink roses, the same ones that covered the stage after Peeta and I won our first Games. Fear then consumes me because I know, with every battle, every propo, every victory – Peeta pays for it. I start seeing Peeta again. My whole body starts to shake but I am willing myself to keep it together. The camera crew starts to ask me question to get me to relax, and I can't focus. All I see is Peeta's emaciated body. I start gasping for air.

"Hum – I can't breathe…." I start to take quicker and sharp breaths that feel like they can't inhale enough air. I turn away from everyone and start walking out into a field. Haymitch takes off after me. I'm gasping and I have a painful feeling coming from somewhere deep inside of me, from my guts. It hurts so much and I'm afraid something is going to escape up through my throat. Maybe it's the little sanity that is left in me. I gasp for air, and every time I breathe in, I feel pain in my heart. Again, I see Peeta's face. I begin to feel dizzy and I finally fall to my knees, landing on the thorny long stemmed pungent roses. I finally force a deep long breath into my body and it burns, it stings my chest and it feels like my heart is going to explode. I feel the scream escape me, it's loud, shrilling, devastated, sad, furious, and deadly. It's a cry of desperation and I feel like I'm finally expressing the pain I've carried for this past year, and I fully believe that I'm not going to make it unless he's in my arms. I breathe in again and I exhale with another scream, equally devastating as the previous one, and it's followed by another, and another. Finally, I say it, my biggest desire, passion, and source of total heartache. "Peeta!" The sobs follow and it's so painful but much needed. I feel Haymitch lift me in his arms as medics reach me and inject me with something that sinks me into darkness.


	9. Chapter 9

Tonight I feel like I've lost my mind. The storm wages in my mind and I can't find clarity in anything. After I'm released back in my cell, I reach for Annie and notice that Johanna is not there. I can only hear her screams. The only two things holding me together is my genuine concern and love for Annie and Johanna. So I hold on to those feelings with everything I've got. I have to sit down because after the beating from yesterday, I'm badly injured. I'm shocked that nothing is broken. After this past year, I know the moment something breaks, even cracks. Well, my nose is broken for sure but at least that doesn't get in the way of my mobility. I am very sore. Aside from swelling and bruising I'm fine. It's unfortunate, I was really hoping that they would kill me. I'm startled when I see my wall open again and I see the same peacekeeper that fed me the information yesterday. He's not wearing his usual outfit. I don't have to think about it too much. Something is going on. He runs in and pulls out three syringes.

"Peeta you have to trust me."

"Are you going to kills me?" I ask feeling hopeful.

He's startled to hear my eager tone. "No Peeta… I don't have a lot of time. There is one for each of you."

"What is it?"

"I'll explain if you let me do this, deal?" I nod yes and Annie looks fascinated. He walks towards me and injects my arm. "It's steroids and some of the drugs that help clear up your mind. You're going to need it."

I grab his arm before he moves on to Annie. "What helps clear up my head?"

"I don't know Peeta. They'll figure it out." He says.

"Who?"

"Peeta, I don't have time. Help me with Annie" He says because Annie is backing away.

"Annie, please let him. I took it. Plus you can trust him, he wants to help Finnick." Upon hearing this she walks towards him and offers her arm.

"I can't stay for Johanna." He leaves me the syringe. "Make sure you inject her. It's going to give you strength, all of you. Good luck Peeta. Please, don't give up."

"Be careful." I say to him and I mean it. After he leaves I realize then that I don't feel so manic anymore and I am instantly feeling energized. I look at Annie. "How are you feeling?"

She smiles at me. "Good."

"What do you think is going on?" I wonder and her guess is as good as mine.

She pulls me towards her and whispers in my ear. "We're going home."

I hear a loud blast above us, far, but definitely above us. Annie and I stare at each other and she looks horrified.

"Annie, look at me. Look at me." She focuses on my eyes. "If we are going home, you need to hold it together. We can do this, you can do this. Ask yourself now, do we live or die. If you choose to live, you have to fight. We're fighters, we're killers, really… and we're going to need to fight." She stares at me then she closes her eyes for a long time. She opens them again and she looks clam serene and confident.

"Annie – we're going to make them pay. I promise. I will protect you." She reaches out and grabs my hand. Johanna's wall slides open and soldiers throw Johanna's naked body into the cell. I'm startled and furious to see them discard her as if she were garbage. She literally flies across the cell, crashing into the bars, and landed at our feet.

"Jo!" I scream to her. She's unconscious and I can see that her lips are blue. My fingers feel her neck and wrists looking for a pulse. I lay my hand over her chest and there is no heartbeat. "Annie! She's not breathing she has no heartbeat. No!" Just then, the bars dividing us slide down into the floor. Annie responds immediately. She starts to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation. I can't believe it, the only person that can save her is Annie. "Jo, come on baby, breathe. Please breathe. Don't leave me. Not now. It's almost over." It doesn't take long, water comes bursting out of her mouth, clearing her lungs. Annie turns her on her side and Johanna begins to cough furiously, gasp, with water running out of her. I remember the syringe. I go to get the remaining one and walk towards her as she tries to recover. Her eyes are swimming and she isn't fully conscious yet. "Jo, baby, please stay with us. This may help." I inject the syringe into her arm and wait. It takes a few minutes but her eyes finally look steady and she focuses on me. She's resting against Annie, as she holds her protectively. I reach out and kiss Annie on the forehead. "Thank you so much sweetie. Thank you." I feel Johanna's arm wrap around me and I'm delighted by the feeling of strength."

We begin to hear a long series of blasts above us, closer and closer. I grab the three empty syringes and stick them in my pocket. Just then, my wall slides open and a group of masked and armed men stand before us. One man, removes his mask.

"I'm lieutenant Boggs, from District 13. We don't have a lot of time."

Annie stands up and I lift Johanna to her feet. "Can you walk?" But she starts to laugh and cry at the same time. She's in no condition. I don't let her answer I lift her in my arms. I'm shocked that I can hold her so easily, then I have to remember that she's as emaciated as I am and she was already tiny to begin with. Another soldier approaches me.

"I can carry her; you're going to need all your strength." The soldier goes to reach for her but I feel fiercely protective of her. She and Annie are all I have now in this world, and I'm not about to hand her over so easily.

"No." I say sternly.

"Peeta, please… we will have to fight on the way out, we need to guard you…."

I don't let him finish I hand her over because there is only one thing in this world that would have made me hand her over to a stranger, the certainty that I'm going to make the ones that hurt us pay for everything they did to us. "I promise you, no one is going to need to guard me from them." I look at Johanna and she gives me her devilish smile as one of the soldiers offers her a jacket.

"I may join you gorgeous." She says to me. I lean towards her and kiss her lips. I then feel Annie's arms wrap around us and I smile. I pull away from them.

"Lead the way Lieutenant." I say to Boggs.

We enter my torture chamber and I'm shocked to see the large quantity of blood in here. They hadn't cleaned up yet. I'm furious when I see it. Before we can exit three Capitol soldiers run in, clearly not expecting a rescue mission. Too bad for them, I know them, I know exactly who they are. The monster that I feel lurking inside of me comes forward and I don't intend on stopping it. Before anyone can stop me, I charge them. To say I destroyed them is in understatement, I throw the third man's limp body on the metal bed that held me this past year. I turn around and I see horror in Boggs.

"Lead the way Lieutenant." Then I look at the masked soldier holding Johanna. "If she's to stay in your arms you better make sure she's in one piece by the time we make it out of here." I'm threatening and I mean it. "Annie – are you okay?" She' staring and the dead bodies in the room and she still looks calm and collected." She nods yes.

We finally run out and make our way down the corridor I'm now familiar with. This time, random doors open and soldiers attack us. Every time, the monster in me explodes and it's as if I were in the Games again. These are not humans they are mutts. They'd have to be to do what they did to us. I don't have a weapon and it's strange that all I'm using is my physical strength, no – total savageness because I couldn't possibly have strength now. Every time I turn to look at the District 13 soldiers, I can see the horror in their eyes, when they see what I'm doing. As I am fighting, I feel a body fall on me. I turn around and push a soldier off me, another one of my torturers, I look down and I see a knife sticking out of his chest. I turn around and I see Johanna, no longer being held, but she's standing on her own two feet. Looking steady, calm, cool, and deadly. Suddenly, the soldier that had been holding her crumbles forward and he reaches to hold his shoulder. He's been shot. He can still walk and run, so we run, we keep running, but every time I see the faces of the ones that hurt me, I stop and I intend to fulfill my promise. I will end them. I realize that Johanna has joined my effort. Of course she would. The steroids are finally kicking in.

I feel beside myself. There is a static buzz in my brain and with every kill, the more exhilarated I feel. I've killed more Capitol soldiers with my bare hands than our District 13 rebels have with their weapons. As we make our way down the last corridor I go over the list of soldiers and doctors that hurt me, I got them all. Well no, except one, Snow. But he's not here. I run ahead following Bogs, anticipating freedom. A door opens and I feel fresh air hit me and somehow this sends new life through my body. Then it dawns on me, what I just did, the kills, the satisfaction it gave me. Snow did it, I am finally the menacing deadly Victor, that has left blood and murder in his path. Peeta is really gone.

Once we're outside, I notice that Annie stands by the door, no longer moving. I stop as everyone yells at me to keep going but I am not going to leave her behind. I run back and I can hear gun fire. I lift her in my arms and run back towards the craft that awaits us. We're the last ones on board. I set her down, I realize that her mind has left us. She kept together just long enough. After I set her down, I stand up and I catch my reflection in the window. I'm a monster. I'm covered in blood, try as I might, I don't regret it. They had to pay. I can't deny it, I feel satisfied. I turn and I see the rebel soldiers unmask themselves. Boggs, approaches me and salutes me, his soldiers follow suit.

"Peeta Mellark thanks to your heroic efforts, you saved District 13 civilians and priceless resources. We are forever indebted to you."

I smile nervously at him and then I look past him. I see Johanna, barely standing holding on to a seat. She's wearing a shirt we managed to put on her after we revived her. Like me, she's rabid and covered in blood. I think back to the seductive, raven haired beauty I saw for the first time in the Quell. She stands there emaciated, her raven hair gone, replaced by a shaved head, but her eyes are still brave and brazen. Like the first time I saw her, I can't look past her. She looks more beautiful than ever. I flash her a big smile and she smiles back at me. I walk towards her and she tries to straighten up, the moment she does, I lean down and my lips meet hers. I wrap my arms around her and I kiss her. I feel so happy and she kisses me back. We pull away and we look at each other in the eye and laugh. I never thought I would feel happy again. We start laughing again and embrace each other.

"You know it's the second time you kiss me today." She says

"Plenty to celebrate, don't you think. First you don't die and now we're free to fight back." I say. She hugs me and I kiss her cheek then move my lips towards her ear and I whisper. "I almost got all of them Jo."

"Snow can be our last one." She whispers back and I can hear the smile on her face.

"Hmm – yes. But before then, when we get to 13, I'm going to kill Katniss Everdeen." The moment I say this, Johanna tries to break free but I hold her to me, to protest I'm sure. "No, no Jo. She has to pay. As long as she's out there, I'm a target and I am not going to suffer because of her again."

She finally pulls away and she looks me in the eye, then she looks at my face. Her face looks sad for a few seconds but then she looks calm. Her body relaxes and she pulls away. I realize that everyone is standing around looking in our direction, awkwardly because I'm acting like they're not here. Johanna steps away from me and walks away. Suddenly, she grabs her knife turns back towards me and charges me, but my instincts are quick and I hold her back. I stare at her coolly, easily overpowering her. She struggles but she's much too weak still. I stand calm. It takes three rebels to separate us, and one has to sedate her. She collapses instantly and the young soldier catches her. I look at him and I notice his wounded shoulder. It's the same soldier that was carrying her, I trusted him with her life. I look around and everyone seems confused.

"What the hell happened?!" The young soldier inquires. I look at him because something about him is distracting me. I stare at him for a few seconds.

I smile at him "Who knows, it was pretty intense in there."

"Are you okay Mellark?" He says.

I look back at him because now his voice sounds familiar, I look at him for a long time and it finally registers. "Gale." I start to laugh immediately. "I had completely forgotten about you and I didn't even recognize you."

He looks like he relaxes a little and everyone else seems to calm down and they begin to sit down and buckle up. "You look like shit Mellark." He says laughing.

I smile at him.

"Don't worry I'm sure the prep team in 13 will fix you up."

My smile leaves me instantly. I look in Boggs's direction and I catch his eye. "I'm telling you right now, if a prep team even thinks about putting their filthy hands on me, I will end them. You can tell whoever is in charge in 13 the moment we land." I demand.

"Sorry Mellark, I didn't mean to upset you." Gale tells me.

I walk away and head towards the window all I want to do is look outside. I turn in Johanna's direction. "Is she okay?" I ask the soldier looking over her, he seems to be a medic.

"She's weak and not responding. She's breathing and her pulse is steady but she should have woken up with the medicine I gave her."

"Hmm – her heart did stop today. Her torture consisted of drowning today." I say casually and everyone looks horrified in my direction. I look away and stare out the window.

"Gale." I call to him and I can see his reflection in the window.

"Yes?"

"My family…" And I can't finish my question.

"I'm sorry Peeta. They didn't make it."

"I thought so – I felt it. I owed it to them to ask." I say feeling numb.

"My friends?" I ask as my mind wonders to Delly, Nathan, Silas, Madge, and Ivy.

"Madge died. I couldn't get to her in time. I tried…" And he looks so pained he can't finish.

My mind wonders to Madge, beautiful Madge. Part of me is glad she's not here anymore. Who knows how long this war will go on for and if we will win. She deserved so much more.

"Maybe it's better that she's no longer with us…" My mind wonders to the train ride on my way to the Quell. I wrote her a letter. "I wrote her a farewell letter before the Quell. I remember I wrote her that perhaps in another time and another place we could have made each other happy." I can see his reflection and he looks nostalgic. "When I think of her, it feels like a dream. Like there is no way someone as good as her really existed in this world. I think of the storm, that blizzard. How we lost ourselves in each other." I look at his face again and he looks pained by my comment. I smile feeling very satisfied with myself, I can't help my viciousness even under these circumstances. I've truly lost myself and I don't care. So I continue to hurt Gale, I don't even know why. "I made love to her again and again – pure bliss." I look at his face again in the window and he looks furious now. I look at his neck and something gets my attention. I turn around and look at him, his trachea appears to be moving sideways. "are you okay Gale?"

He suddenly grasps his chest. "I can't breathe." He gasps as he falls to his knees. A few soldiers stand and run to his side. The soldiers argue over his gunshot wound, they are certain the bullet went through so what is the problem. It didn't hit anything major. I come closer and I observe them. I know exactly what's happening. After a bad beating in the torture chamber, my lung collapsed. The soldiers weren't going to be merciful and let me die, so they used a syringe to stab my lung. I smile as I remember of the three syringes in my pocket. I pull one out, pull out the injection part of it. I kneel besides them and I notice that Gale hasn't taken his eyes off me. He looks nervous and he must detect the menacing look in my face. Then he spots the syringe and he looks terrified. Without warning anybody, I launch over them and stab the syringe into Gale's chest, well his lung really. Finally Gale gasps and he can breathe again. Everyone jumps back away from me. They're scared of me and I love it.

"Hawthorne- I always wanted to stab you with something."

He looks terrified.

"Peeta you should take a seat and try to relax" Boggs orders me sternly. I smile at him and stand up. I hear Annie begin to cry and I look at her thoughtfully. I approach her, lift her in my arms and I sit down with her in my lap. I start to rock her back and forth.

"There, there, my beautiful starfish. What's the matter? You did so well Annie."

"You're scaring me." I kiss her forehead. "Why did Johanna try to kill you?" She cries in her infantile voice.

"Shhhh – don't mind her Annie. You know Jo's crazy." I smile at her and kiss her nose. She cuddles me and presses her face into my chest.

Boggs then stands up and approaches us. "Peeta why don't you try to get some sleep. Buckle up and…"

I interrupt him. "Listen up Boggs, anyone ever tries to strap me down to anything, I will rip their throats out. Let that be a fair warning to everyone." I look around deadly serious. I catch Gale staring at me, and his eyes have real concern.

I'm sitting next to Annie but I can't stop staring at an unconscious Johanna.

"Is she okay?" I ask the medic observing her.

"I don't know, her vitals are okay, they could be better, but they're holding. I'm concerned that her body temperature is actually too low."

"We were always cold in there, we didn't have blankets, and sometimes we didn't even have the rags we're wearing today. Can I do something to help?"

"Yes, actually you can." He glances at Boggs who looks increasingly nervous as he studies me, probably trying to figure me out. So I stand up and walk towards him "I'm Dr. Thrive by the way – you can call me John." As he extends his hand out to shake mine. I sit on the edge of the cot she's laying on. I grab her hand and I start to rub it, it's ice cold. "Take off your shirt." I stare at him for a second wondering why and suddenly I feel nervous and weary of him. He stops and looks at me, his concerned expression softens. "I'm sorry Peeta, I'm used to working fast without giving explanations. I'm just going to have you lay next to her, as you hold her, and then I'm going to cover you with this thermal blanket." He lifts a shiny blanket out of a package. "Do you feel comfortable doing that? I'll also have to remove this shirt off her. Skin to skin contact is the best way to warm up."

I smile at him. "The best way to warm up really." The soldiers in the plane laugh. I look up at them and realize they are all observing me, they definitely don't know what to make of me. I'm manic at best or worst. John laughs. I look down at Johanna and realize that my joke is inappropriate, I want to help her. "I'm sorry. Bad joke." I take off my shirt and I hear one gasp in the plane. I feel embarrassed and self-conscious but I force myself to swallow my shame. I look at Dr. Thrive and he observes my torso.

"Peeta, I would like to examine you. Can I do that? You have serious lesions and…"

I cut him off "Your examination can be done with your eyes, whatever you imagine, is probably what happened. I don't want you to touch me. The lesions are burns, electrocutions, beatings, weapons, and so on… "

He nods. "Are you in pain right now? Any swelling anywhere?"

"Hum – I guess I'm in pain. I feel it every day so it seems normal, nothing out of the ordinary like other times. My leg is swollen." I unclip the prosthetic and show him.

He observes my knee closely. "I'm not going to touch you, I'm just looking." He assures me. "Well the prosthetic doesn't fit you anymore and that has aggravated your joints. There is a lesion that is infected. I'm going to give you strong antibiotics starting now to help fight any other infection. I'd also like to give you some pain medication that will make you sleep, you need rest. You can hold Johanna while you sleep. We'll have you fitted for a new prosthetic in 13. Anything else you want to share with me?"

I nod. "I've had a bump on my head for months and there seems to be a scab I think… It's always sore."

"May I?" he asks and I nod yes. He comes close to my head and I move my hair out of the way so that he can see the scab. He pulls away and he looks at me perplexed. "It's not a scab Peeta, it looks like you have a catheter implanted in your scalp. Were injecting something in there?"

"For the past six months – after the physical torture they would put me under, I think they were doing tests on me. My mind, my thoughts, are blurred. I don't remember things, specifically the Games and little to nothing about the Quell."

He covers his face with his hands, clearly horrified by what I'm telling him. "Peeta, we're going to figure out what they were doing. I can honestly tell you, things will get better now." He actually has tears in his eyes. I take a moment to study his face and he doesn't look much older than me really. He continues. "Peeta, I am going to be completely honest with you. That catheter and tests really concern me. We may have to do physical exams when we're in 13 to figure it all out. We will absolutely have to remove that from your head. Please be patient. I just want to give you a heads up. You're looking at an extended hospital stay and tests that will be difficult, especially for you after what you've been through."

I nod and I instantly like him. I'm touched by his genuine care, he is treating me like a human being, regardless of who I am. I didn't think I would ever see this kindness again. "I will try, I promise. And thank you. For your kindness." He looks startled to hear me say that.

He hands me four pills that I swallow with water. He then insists that I have to have soup with the medicine. So I do, I end up having three bowls. By the time I'm done with the third bowl I can barely keep my eyes open. I lay down next to Johanna. I then see Dr. Thrive take a pair of scissors.

"Peeta, I'm going to cut off Johanna's shirt. Don't be alarmed okay. I'm not going to hurt her." I nod understanding and I believe him. When he's done, I embrace Johanna's tiny body. She's freezing cold. "I'm sorry all we have is this old cot for you to rest on." He smiles.

I laugh "We've been sleeping on a cold cement floor for the past year. This is luxury." I laugh again and I look at him but he's not laughing, not even smiling.

"I'm sorry Peeta. I'm going to take good care of you." I look at his face and I believe him.

I feel sleep taking over. "Wait!" I call out to him. I pull out the syringe that was used on me earlier. "Here, they injected steroids in all of us so that we would be strong enough for the escape. But, the man that gave me mine said that mine had something else, so that I could think straight. He left some in the vile so that you could figure out what it is."

He looks puzzled when I say this.

"My mind – it's not like before…" I finally fall asleep holding on to Johanna, willing her to warm up.

When I wake up I'm laying down on a bed surrounded by people wearing white coats, I'm startled and immediately sit up. John is at my side instantly.

"Hi Peeta. You're in District 13 now. You're fine." He reassures me. I nod but I feel nervous and I begin to feel the storm brew in my mind again. "Peeta, are you feeling okay?" He asks.

I nod no.

"Okay, while you were under we examined your head again. The catheter was almost on the surface so we removed it. You have three stitches. I hope it doesn't upset you that we did this while you were out. I honestly wanted that out of you as soon as possible."

I nod. "That's fine. Thank you" I respond. "Where's Annie and Johanna?"

"They're being examined in other rooms. They're fine Peeta. Annie is holding up okay, she'll see Finnick soon. Johanna has not regained consciousness and we're having a hard time raising her body temperature. You helped but the moment we got here it started to go down again. We're watching her, we can treat her now that we're in a hospital. I'll let you know as soon as she's conscious." He assures me.

I nod and I grab my head, I feel that buzzing in my head, and I feel like I'm about to lose control.

"Peeta are you okay?" John asks again.

I nod no. Then I see the doctors look away from me towards the door and one of them says that they should give us some time. They walk away and so does John.

I stare at the wall then I hear tiny footsteps approaching me from behind. I turn around nervously and I see her. Katniss. I see the ghostly gray eyes that haunt me at night, I didn't imagine them. I can feel my heart pounding and I start to breathe quickly. The storm in my mind consumes me and I feel tears jump to my eyes. I jump off the table, and land on just one leg, but it doesn't matter. I don't need both. She's only at arm's length. I reach out to her and she actually rushes towards me with a smile in her face, and I hate it. Before she can wrap her arms around me I wrap my hands around her throat and slam her against the wall. A small scream escapes her but I will make sure it's the last thing she ever does. I then slam her to the floor. I hear doctors run back in and try to separate my grasp from her but they don't succeed. Then I see his face, Haymitch, probably the only other person I want to kill as much as Snow. This distracts me enough for the doctors to pull me away and immediately inject something into my neck. I'm out in a second. I fall on the floor next to her unconscious body, I hope it was enough.


	10. Chapter 10

**Finnick and Johanna**

The moment Finnick sees Annie, he feels like he's breathing a fresh ocean breeze. They both run towards each other and embrace each other. It's not until she's in his arms that he notices how physically deteriorated she is. She has lost an impossible amount of weight. She's taller than most girls and so she always appeared lengthy and slim. But she is wasted. Her hair is longer than he has ever seen it. It reaches the back of her thighs. Her eyes are that beautiful blue-green that makes him think he's staring into the ocean. They both collapse to the ground as they hold on to each other.

"I am never going to let you go, I swear it." Finnick tells her.

She smiles at him as she looks at him adoringly, gently running her fingers along his face. She kisses him softly and it suddenly feels like they haven't taken a breath of air in a year.

A doctor interrupts them. "Excuse me. Annie, Finnick, we need to examine you." The doctor smiles at her and Annie just stares at her blankly with a smile in her face. Finnick smiles.

"She's ready." He tells the doctor and he ushers her into an examination room.

The doctor is a petite woman that seems extra gentle. She urges Finnick to sit apart from Annie, in a chair on the corner. He does, but he can't take his eyes off her. She stares right back at him, she seems completely unaware of the doctor. She lets the doctor touch her, remove her top, even take blood samples. She stares at Finnick with a big smile on her face. The doctor examines her body. When she's done she removes her gloves and tosses them in the waste basket. She turns to us.

"Annie" She calls to her but upon seeing that Annie is in her own world the doctor turns to me instead. "Finnick – we're going to admit her to the hospital. We want her to stay here for a few reasons, she is badly malnourished, dehydrated, and she'll need a strong dose of antibiotics. We'll know more when we get the blood work. Plus, in the hospital we'll be able to do more examinations."

They are moved into the hospital wing and Annie is taken into the bathroom for a shower. Finnick waits patiently and he doesn't take his eyes off her. She's finally in bed, wearing warm cotton clothes. She is still silent but just stares adoringly at Finnick. She reaches for his hand and brings it to her face to kiss it and cuddle it. The doctors then proceed to set up IVs. They tell her what every bag is for, ultimately all to make her feel better. Finnick helps her eat a bowl of soup. The doctors then tell them that she will have a sleep aid, that part of her recovery will have to consist of rest.

"Of course." Finnick smiles at her. The doctors inject medicine into one of the many bags dripping all sorts of medications and supplements into her body. She instantly looks drowsy. He leans over and kisses her lips. "I love you so much."

She looks up at him wide eyed now and smiles. "I love you too."

Just like that, she's sleeping soundly and peacefully. Finnick can't believe it. Just yesterday, and every day before that , he feared the absolute worst, and now she's here. Sleeping safely like a child without a care in the world. For some reason he starts sobbing because he can't help but think of the torture that she has somehow blocked. A part of him wants her to express the pain but she's incapable. The same doctor that treated her in the clinic walks back inside.

"Hi Finnick." She pats his shoulder. "I know this is difficult. When she's physically better, we will have her work with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Was she ever treated in District 4?"

"No – Snow didn't allow it." He tells her.

The doctor looks angry. "I'm so sorry. But, alas, she's here now far away from him." She looks back at Annie. "Comparing notes, she's in much better physical shape than the other two."

Finnick's stomach sinks and he feels a fresh set of tears burn his eyes.

"Other two?" He whispers to her.

"Yes. Peeta, who has suffered a complete nervous breakdown, physically…" And she can't even finish. "He tried to kill Katniss. We just confirmed that at the very least he didn't break her neck."

"What!?" he screams.

"Finnick, it's okay she's stable." He's about to turn around and go look for her but the doctor keeps talking.

"Then there's Johanna, something is terribly wrong her vitals are starting to slip and we can't get her body temperature to rise, now her blood pressure is slipping." Finnick instantly turns to look at her.

"Johanna is alive?" He can't believe it.

"I'm sorry Finnick I thought you knew, yes they brought her in. Finnick, the prognosis doesn't look good. I'm sorry."

"Where is she?"

"A few doors down but you can't see her yet, the doctors are working on her now."

Finnick storms out and sees Haymitch standing by the door. He looks like he's desperate for a drink.

"Can I see Johanna yet?"

"I don't think so man, they're still in there working on her" He pulls him towards a seat.

"How's Annie?" Haymitch asks.

"She's fine, which is disturbing, but she's fine." And he can't take his eyes off the door keeping him from Johanna.

"Is Katniss okay? The doctor told me." He pulls his eyes off the door.

"I can't even think about it. What did they do to him?" He stares into Finnick's eyes in horror. "How can He want to kill Katniss? – The doctors told me that were doing experiments on him. They were injecting trackerjacker venom and who knows what else into his brain. He's brain damaged…" He starts to cry. Finnick reaches out to him and squeezes his shoulder. "He's gone Finnick."

"No Haymitch, he's here. Just like Annie, and Joh…" But he can't even say her name anymore he needs to see her. "I need to see her, I can't take it anymore. I thought she was dead.." He begins to cry again. He stands up and starts to pace around the door.

"Finnick, I'll stay here and keep you posted on her condition, why don't you go rest with Annie."

"No, I'm not leaving until I've seen her, until they tell me that she's okay, until I can hold her…" He begins to cry again. "I can't believe I gave up on her…"

Haymitch eyes him curiously and he stands up. "Finnick, we had no way of knowing. We know why they kept Peeta and Annie alive. Johanna had no ties the way Annie and Peeta had to you and Katniss." This statement only makes Finnick cover his face with shame and he forces himself to hold it together because Johanna needs him now. The doctors finally come out. They look tired and frustrated.

"What's going on? Is she okay?" Finnick demands desperately.

"Yes – Finnick, we've stabilized her. But, her body is just… I don't know we've done all we can do. She hasn't regained consciousness. On the plane ride over she had to be sedated because she tried to kill Peeta."

"What?!" Finnick and Haymitch say in disbelief.

"The soldiers intervened and she was sedated. After, Peeta and Annie told them that Johanna had almost died earlier that day. She was drowned and left for dead but Annie was able to resuscitate her doing CPR. Had we known that, they probably wouldn't have given her such a powerful drug. Her heart is in bad shape. And I'm only telling you about the recent trauma. Clearly she was electrocuted very recently, possibly yesterday. The trauma on her body signals all sorts of torture…"

Finnick can't take it anymore so he interrupts her. "can I see her." He practically cries out.

"Yes of course."

He walks slowly into the room and he sees a petite body, still laying naked as the doctors and nurses finish attaching devices to her. Haymitch walk in behind him but a sob escapes him upon seeing her. Then Finnick hears him walk out. She is nothing but skin and bones. Her body is completely bruised, cut, and oozing with either puss or blood. Her head is shaved and there isn't a single trace of Johanna Mason left in her. Finnick now rushes to her side and he gently presses his forehead to her. He lets his hand caress her small head. He begins to cry.

"Please don't leave me." He falls to his knees.

The remaining doctor stands by him when he finishes. "Finnick, I'm the doctor that accompanied them on the mission. You can call me John. I treated her on the plane." Finnick looks up at him. "We've stabilized her and by that I mean we've managed to get a healthy blood pressure again. We had to give her medicine for that. Two things need to happen next, in order to sure that she's moving in the right direction. Her body temperature needs to go back to normal. Second, she needs to wake up. I'm not going to lie, she slipped into a coma. The sooner she wakes up the better. We're treating everything physical that we can to make sure she wakes up." He covers her in a special blanket. "Finnick, when we were on the plane ride over, Peeta helped us by laying with her and just holding her. Do you think you can do that? I was going to myself since it worked on the plane but you can do it. Clearly you two are close." He smiles kindly at Finnick and it means the world to him.

"Yes, of course."

"Great. Just take off your shirt." John tells him. Finnick follows his instructions and he climbs into the bed with her. He can't believe how gentle and carful he has to be to hold her. When she finally lays in his embrace with John's help, Finnick begins to sob, upon feeling her frail body. "It's okay Finnick. She's a fighter. Soldier Hawthorne told me that she fought her way out of that center better than anyone expected."

Finnick nods. "She's so cold. Johanna, please you have to hang on and come back to me. Please." He looks down at her little frail face. He leans down to breathe her and gently kisses her lips.

"I'll leave the two of you. I'll be sure you're told if Annie wakes up, but that won't be for a while. She needs a lot of rest." John tells Finnick. As Finnick watches him leave, he sees Haymitch standing in the doorway staring at him hold Johanna, he looks shocked.

"I had no idea." Haymitch tells him, referring to Finnick's closeness to Johanna. Finnick just looks at him, feeling exasperated. He closes his eyes and kisses Johanna's temple.

Hours go by and in that time Finnick has talked to her, sung to her, and just focused on sending her warm thoughts. Haymitch sporadically comes in to tell him that Annie is fine and sleeping soundly, while Finnick begs Johanna to wake up. The good news is that her body temperature is back to normal and John comes into check on her every thirty minutes. Finally she stirs a little. Haymitch runs to get John. Finnick smile and calls to her. He bends down and kisses her softly again.

"Johanna, please wake up." A sob escapes him again. He leans down to kisses her again. As he pulls away he actually sees a small smile stretch on her lips. "Oh – Johanna, just stay put but please open your eyes." He kisses her again.

"Peeta." She smiles at Finnick as he pulls away.

"Johanna it's me, Finnick. Please open your eyes."

She makes a real effort to open her eyes and she looks confused. "Finnick…" She smiles. "Peeta – Finnick, you can't let Peeta anywhere near her, near Katniss." She says as her eyes close again.

"Shhh – I know, I know. Just try to stay calm okay the doctor is coming. Stay with me please." Haymitch and John come running in. The doctor goes over to examine her vitals and she opens her eyes to see him. She eyes him curiously with a scowl on her face.

As he listens to her heart, his eyes meet hers and he smiles at her. "Hi Johanna, I'm Dr. John Thrive. I can' tell you how happy I am that you're awake."

Her scowl fades away into her mischievous smile. "Hello gorgeous." Finnick and Haymitch start laughing.

"I take it this is a good sign." John says.

John continues to examine her. He tells Finnick that he doesn't have to stay in bed with her anymore, that her body looks like it will hold its own.

"I'm not letting her go." Finnick says and Johanna reaches for him and pulls his lips towards hers. When John leaves Johanna starts asking questions.

"I need to see Peeta. It's imperative that I see him." She demands.

"Johanna no one can see him now. He's lost it. He's a danger to everyone including himself." Haymitch painfully explains.

"You don't understand – he has bad episodes but I can calm him down."

"Can you? We were told you tried to kill him on the plane. Why would you do that?" Finnick asks her.

"Finnick, I panicked and I saw total madness in his eyes. He was gone, and he confessed that he was going to kill Katniss when we got here. He wanted me to promise that if he lost it completely , that I would kill him." She begins to cry. "But I couldn't promise that, but then, when they came for us. What he did with those people – he killed every torturer that laid a finger on us. All of them, he didn't even have to think about it. I wanted to do it too, but to see him do it… It's Peeta. You have to understand what that means. He had to turn back to save Annie, she froze. Once he was on the plane and he set her down. We were in the air and on our way out. He ran to me and kissed me. When he pulled away, his eyes - Peeta was gone. Then he whispered that he was going to kill Katniss. I was so afraid, this is not the Peeta he wanted to become. I thought…" she starts to sob now. "The realization hit me that I could kill him, for his own good, because he deserves that much."

"Please try to stay calm." Finnick tells her.

"I regret it now. I need to see him please."

"Johanna not tonight. He's unreachable. You need to get strong first, then you can help him."

"Did they restrain him?" She asks panicked.

"They had to Johanna." Haymitch explains.

She starts to cry again. "You don't know what that means to him, to me, to Annie…"

"Johanna he tried to kill Katniss, he almost strangled her to death and almost broke her neck while trying." Finnick explains.

She stops crying instantly. "The hell with her Finnick! I don't give a fuck if she's the mockingjay, you have no idea what they did to him! He needs me. Promise me that tomorrow I can see him." She pleads to Haymitch.

"If the doctors tell you it's okay to move around, we'll take you to see him. But I need to remind you that he's a danger to himself and to everyone around him." Haymitch explains again.

"He's not to me." She tells him sternly.

Finnick is finally able to help Johanna eat and hold down a bowl of soup. He even has the pleasure of sleeping with her, well, she sleeps and he was unable to take his eyes off her. The next morning she wakes up without any problems. He sits on a chair next to her as she eats breakfast. Then a doctor enters holding Annie by the hand. Finnick jumps to his feet and he can't quite explain the mix of feelings that consume him. He looks at Annie and he notices that she's smiling at Johanna. He turns to look at Johanna and she is smiling back at her. He's unsettled by it because the three have never shared the same space. Johanna stretches her hand out to her.

"Hello my beautiful starfish." She calls out to Annie. Annie smiles and runs to her bedside and hugs her. They both look happy.

"we're free Jo!"

"I know. I can't believe it. I haven't had a chance to thank you for saving my life yesterday. Thank you my beautiful girl." She embraces her again. Annie turns her head and she sees me staring at them and her smile fades. She pulls away from Johanna stands up and stares at the two of them.

"Annie, what's wrong?" Johanna asks.

"It can't be like it was before Finnick." Annie tells Finnick.

"I don't know what you mean?" He answers her.

"Things are different now, Jo and I are…"

Finnick interrupts her. "Friends. I can see that, I'm so happy about that."

Johanna stares at and she understands what Annie is referring to.

"Finnick, Annie knows about us. She told me that you would call out to me in your sleep sometimes. We hurt her, and for that I'm sorry Annie." Johanna tells Annie wholeheartedly. Annie nods to her. Finnick is flabbergasted, she never once questioned him about Johanna.

"Finnick – Johanna, Peeta and I… we're more than friends. We're family, if it hadn't been for them, I would have given up and wilted, died in there. We were each other's life lines and I'm not going to let you get between us. And Johanna, I'm not going to give him up. I know I'm sick and that I'm confused a lot, but I'm not going to let him go."

Finnick can't believe what he's hearing, he doesn't know what to say.

"Besides, Jo – I know there is something between you and Peeta…" Annie continues and Finnick turns to Johanna is disbelief.

Johanna looks angry and she interrupts her. "Annie – you are assuming a lot. I love Peeta, as much as I love you, but there is nothing more happening between us. We are all connected now, bound to each other, that is it. But you are right, things are never going to be like they were before." She stares painfully at Finnick. "Annie, I have to put all my efforts into my recovery, I'm in bad shape, and after that I plan to fight with the rebels to free Panem. That is all I have room for in my life."

Annie runs to her again and hugs her. "I love you Jo."

"I love you too Annie." She stares at Finnick over Annie's shoulder as he stares back at her sadly. "It's strange that I was dragged to that cell completely alone, and I gained a family as a result of it. I'm not going to give you up." Johanna tells Annie with tears running down her face. She pulls Annie away and holds her by her shoulders. "And I'm not going to get between you and Finnick. That's done. You don't have to worry about that." She then turns to Finnick. " I should get more rest. Finnick why don't you go back to Annie's room." He nods and he grabs Annie by the hand and helps her to her feet. He feels a strange mix of emotions. A major decisions has been made about his life without any consideration of his opinion. They have every right to do decide what they want for themselves but there was no consideration for him. Besides, how can Johanna end things with him so easily, and what was Annie talking about regarding Johanna and Peeta. He decides that he'll back off but he will have to talk to Johanna. Before they leave her room Annie turns back.

"Jo, when can we see Peeta?" Annie asks.

"Soon Annie, he needs us, desperately. I'm going to find out."

A week goes by before Johanna is stable enough to see Peeta. She is taken to a different wing in the hospital, she has to get around on a wheel chair, which she doesn't mind. The nurse taking her explains to her that Peeta is under constant observation due to his state of mind. She is taken into a room that is really an office, there is medical staff standing around looking through a window. They stop talking when they see Johanna. The nurse pushes her wheel chair towards the glass window. When she arrives she rises to her feet and leans against the window to look in. She sees Peeta, strapped down to a bed as he struggles to free his hands and leg. The frustration on his face is heartbreaking. She closes her eyes and tries to calm down.

"Johanna." A doctor calls to her and she turns to look in his direction. "Hi, it's me John. Do you remember me?"

"Yes." She turns back to Peeta. "I need to see him."

"Johanna he doesn't want to see anybody. He's not cooperating and…"

"He's not cooperating because you are torturing him."

"Johanna, we're tying to figure out how to help him."

"You can start by removing those straps. He'll cooperate then."

"He's suicidal, we can't do that."

Johanna closes her eyes feeling exasperated. "We're not going to agree on your approach." She turns to look at him. "Tell me other news."

"He needs sleep, he's not sleeping. What he's doing is refusing food , he's not even talking he won't communicate anything, and he's stressing himself out until he passes out for short periods of time. But that is not sleep."

Johanna hurts just to hear him say this. "Please let me see him. He can stay strapped down, I can calm him down. I promise. It won't kill him, if I try. I know these episodes, he had them in the cell too."

The doctors look at each other and one woman agrees to let her. They proceed to unlock the door and let her walk in.


	11. Chapter 11

I can hear footsteps walking in and I opens my eyes and raise my head to see who is walking in. The moment I see Johanna I sigh out loud and I allow myself to relax a little, easing the strain in my neck, allowing my head to fall back against the pillow. The doctors don't know what to do about me and I don't' trust them. Further, I'm confused, I don't know if I'm in 13 or the Capitol. The straps holding me down are making it impossible for me to concentrate and so I'm just consumed by fear and anticipation of torture.

"Peeta, it's me Jo."

"Can you please take these damn straps off me." I beg her.

I'm sure the doctors are stunned, it's the first time they hear me talk. Most of the time I'm hysterical, because I want to keep them away from me. I don't trust them. Johanna closes her eyes and exhales, I can tell that her body relaxes and she smiles.

"I'm going to work on that." She rushes to my side and she touches my face. Once again I'm sure the doctors are shocked to see me allow this. I don't let them touch me. I make it known that if they do, I'll kill them. "Peeta. You're not even that bad right now. Hey doctors, this isn't even close to the episodes I was talking about." She shouts towards the dark window in the room. I look in that direction, I know they're watching. The door opens again and John walks in cautiously.

"Peeta – do you remember me." He asks.

"Yes. John, Dr. Thrive." I say.

He laughs a little. "Peeta – you were driving us crazy."

"You're all driving me crazy. Get these straps off my foot and wrists. Please."

"Peeta you weren't cooperating, and you seriously hurt someone, and you were trying to kill yourself."

"Because I thought you were going kill me after I tried to kill her. I was wrong to do that, but I was not myself, I'm not myself right now, but I'm not out of control like that day. After that you strapped me down like my torturers! Why would I cooperate?!"

"Peeta calm down." Johanna insists. I stare at her because I need her to be on my side, she must know that. "Peeta, I'm on your side and I want these straps off you. But – you walked into District 13 - well you hopped.." she stops and looks down at my missing leg and I laugh. "to District 13 and you tried to kill the fucking Mockingjay, you're lucky all they did is strap you down and they're still trying to help you."

"Are you feeling okay now Peeta?" John interrupts us. "When you arrived the other day, you didn't feel well. Can you tell me what that was about?"

"There are days where I feel my mind buzzing, like electricity is running through it, like bees buzzing, and I can't control a single thought. Images flash my mind and they don't make sense. I just feel disoriented and consumed by every emotion imaginable. Sometimes I can focus long enough to think of one thing, only."

"What is that?"

I'm trying to stay calm and I feel tears burning my eyes. Johanna squeezes my hand. "Kill her – Kill Katniss." And I feel like I'm going to start hyperventilating just from saying her name so I breathe and try hard to focus.

"Why do you want to kill her?"

"Because she ruined my life! All I did was love her, my whole life and she used me, lied to me, deceived me, and betrayed me. I lost everyone because of her, I gave up everyone for her. And she let me - without a second thought. Because she was only thinking of herself. She tried to kill me, did you know that?"

"Peeta, slow down. Calm down." Johanna insists. I stop and take deep breaths.

"I was tortured because of her, I'm in danger, constant danger, because of her." And I can't say anything more.

"Peeta we have reason to believe that the Capitol's tests on you consisted of mind control tests and they did distort your sense of reality. It's no coincidence that most of your confusion and aggression is linked to her." John explains.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply again. "I get that I was wrong for trying to kill her, If I could help it, I wouldn't have done that. I'm sorry for that. Now would you please take these straps off."

John looks towards the window and nods. He looks at me and approaches me. He pulls out keys and shows them to me. "May I?" He asks before he touches me to unlock the fasteners and I nod approvingly.

He unlocks them and I can finally feel the confinements gone. I let my head fall back on the pillow and sigh in relief.

"Peeta, we have food ready for you, will you please eat?" John asks politely.

"Yes, I'm starving." I say to him and he smiles as he closes his eyes and sighs in relief. Another doctors pushes in a cart with what appears to be soup, but this time it's more than just broth and rice. Then I see a roll of bread. I grab the bread and rip it open and look at the inside of it. It has grains. I smile and I think of my father and brothers. I look at John as he observes me curiously. "I used to bake bread. I haven't had bread since District 12. It's all gone now, right?" I look at him and he nods sadly. I take a bite out of it. "I don't know what's real sometimes, I feel like the fact that my family is gone, that my friends are gone, didn't really happen."

"I'm sorry for your loss Peeta." John tells me.

"Thank you." I say to him and he looks at me and nods.

"Peeta, I'm going to keep the restraints off, but your door will have to stay closed. It was the compromise I made with my colleagues. If you have no control when these episodes happen, it's best that you stay put."

I nod in agreement "That's fine by me, I don't want to go out there anyway. It's best that I don't run into her. Please keep her away." I beg and John nods.

He stays with me and Johanna as I eat my food. When I finish eating he explains a few things. "Now that you can walk around you won't need that bedpan, so you can walk over to your personal bathroom – through that door. I look in that direction.

"Look at that, just like a big boy." Johanna says teasingly. I laugh.

"Johanna." John speaks to her now. "You should head back to your room and try to sleep. Your nurse told me that you are not sleeping enough and it's crucial for your recovery."

I immediately grab her hand. "Can she stay longer, we can sleep together."

John is startled to hear me say this and he's about to say no but I interrupt him. "I don't sleep well since the Games, I remember that, and I assure you that it's the same for Jo. But after the torture chambers… The only way Johanna and I could sleep was in each other's arms. I'm serious."

John's face now looks sympathetic. He looks towards the window then exits through the door. Johanna jumps in the bed with me and I'm so happy to hold her like this. John comes back a minute later and smiles at us. "Okay, Johanna you can stay only if you promise you two will try to sleep. I can't stress enough how important it is for the two of you. But, Johanna you will have to go back to your hospital room this evening for more tests and your therapy sessions." Johanna rolls her eyes at him but she nods in agreement. "Now come get your wheelchair." He smiles at her. She stands up again and walks towards the door with John after her.

 **Johanna**

As Johanna exits the room back into the observation room ready to reach for the wheelchair she's startled to see Katniss standing there with a neck brace. Johanna slams the door behind her, protectively as if to make sure Katniss doesn't go anywhere near Peeta. Johanna eyes her viciously and smiles triumphantly as she stares at the neck brace.

"What's this about?" Johanna asks, expecting an answer from the doctors. "he doesn't want her anywhere near him." Then she looks at her. "How long have you been standing here?"

"Shortly after you went in." She says hoarsely. Johanna smiles to hear her speak like this.

"Then you understand you can't go near him?" Johanna asks and Katniss nods as she stares back at Peeta. "I would give anything to make him whole again – but I won't allow you or anyone else to risk his freedom because of you." Johanna says.

"You don't have to worry about that. As soon as I'm fully recovered I'm going on an extended mission away from District 13. I don't want to be around him."

Johanna glares at her. "What's the point of him now that he doesn't worship you?"

Katniss glares at her. "Don't presume to know anything about what I feel for him. I don't care if we are on the same side, if you cross me, or I think for a second that you are going to harm me, I will kill you."

Johanna laughs. "No you won't. You're a coward, that's why you're running. Alas - good. When do you fully recover?"

"Doctors say three months."

"Well that can't come soon enough." Johanna grabs her chair and walks back into Peeta's padded room, free of any potential dangers.

Katniss looks in on them, as Johanna climbs into bed with him and she presses herself into his side. He positions the pillows behind his upper back and neck so that he is tilted up far enough for her to rest her head on his chest. He wraps his arms around her and kisses the top of her head and they both close their eyes and smile softly. In minutes they are fast asleep. She can't help the tears that jump to her eyes. The longing for his arms, for his embrace is sheer torture. Katniss turns around and walks out.

After a month of being in District 13, I've been abiding by all the doctor's rules, provided I am lucid enough, so that they start allowing me to do things that I want to do. I started to beg them to let me exercise but they insist that I am still too frail. This sent me into a blind rage and I lost it. They almost had to restrain me. Thankfully, Johanna was here to offer the magic words that will me into a tranquil state of mind – _tell me about Ivy_.

Today, I'm sitting in my room silently eating my breakfast, I want to eat all day lately. The doctors are cheerful about this because it's a good sign of health, they say. However; in my mind, I'm desperate to put weight back on. I breakdown every time I see myself in the bathroom mirror. My physical appearance makes me look weak and defenseless and the image only enhances that terrible feeling that I was defenseless and weak in the Capitol. Incapable of defending myself, much less help Johanna and Annie. I don't ever want to feel that way again. My goal is to put on all the weight necessary to surpass where I was before entering the Quell and then some. Thankfully, the doctors and I are on the same page, District 13's strict diet policies allow me to eat the highest calorie counts in this place. Lucky for me, I can eat to my heart's content. Good food too, actual meat, all kinds - beef, lamb, chicken, fish. This food is a sign that their sources, their districts are on our side and united against the Capitol. As I eat my large breakfast the door opens and Johanna walks in.

"Morning darling."

"Hello. Did you eat already?" I ask her as I look at her. I'm happy that I am seeing a vast improvement in her physical condition. She's no longer just skin and bones and she doesn't need the wheelchair to get around. I can only hope that I'm improving as much, I realize that my perception of my body is distorted. I tell myself repeatedly that if Annie and Johanna are visibly improving than so am I.

"I did. Someone wants to see you. Are you up for company today?" She smiles.

"Depends on who it is?"

"Alma Coin, she's in charge of District 13." I set my fork down, chew, and swallow as I study Johanna. I do this every time she comes in here to announce a guest. She looks relaxed and frankly curious. I completely trust her instincts and so if she doesn't appear defensive, I'll give her the time.

"Okay." With one word, a ghostly pale woman materializes at the door. I study her carefully and for some reason my instinct is to push away the tray I'm eating from. I feel like I need to be prepared for anything. The moment I push the tray away from my bed, Alma Coin stops and tenses up. This makes me smile, because she's obviously scared of me. Scaring people has become a great defense mechanism. "hello." I say with all the charm I can muster and I flash her a smile, the only trace that I believe still resembles my old self.

She collects herself and offers a tight unnatural smile. I still eye her up and down, trying to figure her out. "Good morning Peeta. I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast."

"It's okay. I'm glad you're here actually, I can thank you personally for sending that rescue squad."

"Then let me begin by thanking you. You saved District 13 with your decision to alert us, we realize that it came at a great cost to your wellbeing. I'm also sorry that we could not get you out from the Quell, we all wanted you here desperately."

All I can do is nod.

She continues. "Peeta, I'm very pleased to hear that you are cooperating with your doctors and appear to be making progress. It is my pleasure to try to accommodate your needs to help facilitate your recuperation. So please, whatever you want just ask."

"I want to exercise. The only physical conditioning I'm getting is physical therapy, which is helping and I'm very thankful but I want to do more."

"Well, I personally believe that a healthy body helps a healthy mind. I'll talk to your doctors so that you have access to more physical activities, provided it's doesn't jeopardize your recovery. Your recovery is very important to us Peeta." She makes a better effort of giving me a smile.

I look her up and down. "Why?" I say and her smile fades away. "I mean, thank you, for your encouraging words. I appreciate them but I do have to wonder… What do you want from me in return?"

"I believe you helped set off the spark that lead to Panem's revolt, you deserve to see the outcome of your sacrifice and your beliefs. I want you there, fighting with us, to help bring Snow down."

It's amazing how emotional I feel the moment I think about the prospect of fighting back, making them pay for what they did to me, to my home, my father, my brothers, even my mother. I feel tears burning my eyes. "Believe me, I want nothing more than that. This fight, is the only thing I have left. Promise me that when the time comes, You will let me kill Snow." I say.

She finally gets a genuine smile on her face. "You may have to fight some people for that pleasure."

I smile at her wondering how long that list must be and who it includes. "I'll fight anyone for that right."

She smiles again and stares in the distance for a second. "I'm counting on it. Anything else I can do?"

I stare at Johanna now. "If Johanna wants, and whenever she wants, obviously. Can she be allowed to spend the nights with me?" I stare at Johanna as she smiles back at me.

Coin stares back at Johanna then me, she looks surprised. Then she looks back at Johanna "Hum – have the doctors started you on birth control. All women your age are mandated to be on birth control, as much as we would love for everyone to have the freedom to decide for themselves, considering our limited resources, we've had to enforce birth control." She explains to us.

Johanna and I stare at each other for a second as we process what she says and it dawns on us that she thinks I want her here to have sex. We start laughing hysterically and Coin looks confused.

"No – we're not doing that." Johanna manages to verbalize this as she tries to stop laughing. "We can't sleep, due to night terrors from the torture. In the Capitol – we would sleep holding each other, for warmth and comfort. It's really all very practical not romantic or sexual." She starts laughing again.

"Oh. Well then…" She pauses to stare at Johanna. "I'll make sure you can do that, provided two things. First, it doesn't jeopardize your health. Peeta, I say this because of your psychotic episodes. After what you two survived, I don't want you to jeopardize you recoveries. Second…" She turns to Johanna at stares her for a bit. "You have to be on birth control before I allow it. I understand the rationale behind your requests, but you are still a man and a woman… I won't risk it."

Johanna smiles graciously. "I welcome the idea"

Coin stares at her then she looks back at me. "Peeta – one more thing. I would like to have a tutor come meet with you daily. I understand that you were not allowed to return to school after you won your Games, and that is unacceptable in District 13. Everyone receives general education until the age of 18 before you can choose a trade that you continue to study as an adult. Everyone here must be educated and serve a purpose." She explains methodically.

"Makes sense to me." I say.

"Good, I don't know why I came in here expecting more resistance." She tells me, and I shrug at her.

"Is that all?" I ask.

"Yes. Enjoy your day." She turns to leave.

"One more thing." She stops to look at me. "I need to confirm – my family and friends, didn't survive did they?"

She stares at me for a few seconds. "No, Peeta. I'm sorry."

"I know. I just forget sometimes and I think it's because I don't want to believe it. So I need it confirmed a lot… Thank you." She turns around and leaves.

After she leaves Johanna comes over to me to sit on my bed and starts to pick food off my tray.

"What did you make of all that?" I ask her.

Johanna stares at the window. "I don't know. She already approached me to say that I'm going to be one of her super soldiers. She made no mention of me learning a trade." She starts to laugh. "I guess she admires my killing abilities and that's about it."

"Mine too, I'm sure. What else you got?"

"I don't trust anybody. But, we have one HUGE goal in common, we want to overthrow the Capitol and kill Snow. That's all I need to know."

I nod and begin to eat again. Only I don't stop talking just because I have food in my mouth. "Absolutely. You know what I thought of last night, and it actually helped me sleep. I realized that there were no Hunger Games this year. I asked John to confirm this morning and he smiled. He said no, there were none, and hopefully not ever again. Johanna, that is a huge victory. They're done, never again…" I say to her, she stares at me wide eyed, and she nods at me. "That alone makes the torture worth it. Don't you think?" I say and she nods at me sadly.

"You're still in there." Johanna says to me.

I look up at her, confused by her words. "What?"

"Your selflessness – your willingness to sacrifice yourself…"

I think about her words and what I just said. The thought makes me feel warm and triumphant. "Perhaps, but now the object of my desire is the greater good. The future – Panem's future. Not some girl."

She studies me carefully. "As much as I hate to admit it, she's not just some girl, Peeta."

I wince to hear this and I look up at her. "And I'm not just some boy."

"No you're not." She reaches out runs her finger through my beard.

"Will you come to me tonight?"

"I think I will." She smiles at me. That night, as promised she shows up. She runs to the bed and climbs in it with me. She lays next to me and presses herself into me. The comfort that I get from her body is inexplicable. She sighs loudly. "I bet you never thought you would yearn to have me in bed with you" She says and we both start laughing.

"Did you see Coin's face…" We both start laughing again. "Are you on birth control Jo?" I ask mocking Coin's stern voice.

She laughs. "Yeah – I asked the doctors about it and it turns out I am on birth control. They gave me all sorts of pills and that's among the stash I have to take every day. I guess my hormones need regulating." She sighs, sounding exasperated "they really did a number on us Peeta."

"Yeah they did – I wonder if… I can't even think about sex. To be intimate like that with someone, seems unreal to me. It' strange I long for pleasure but, holding you or Annie like this is as much as I can handle."

"I know what you mean. Don't think about that Peeta." She leans up to look down on my face. "Just focus on how good this makes you feel right now, the peace that we get from this." She says and I smile at her. She leans down and kisses my lips. She pulls back slowly and we stare at each other, I smile at her. The kiss shows me genuine friendship with uncomplicated and unconditional love.

"Good night Jo." I tell her and she rests her head on my chest. The next morning we wake up and we're happy to know that we had restful sleep. We sit up and stare at each other.

"I better get going. I have therapy and a few other chores to complete today." She says and I grab her hand and kiss it. She stands up and I watch her walk to the door, closing it behind her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Johanna and Finnick**

As she closes the door behind her she's startled to see Finnick standing there. She actually feels nervous to see him. She hasn't been alone with him since the day she woke up and he stayed with her until she was okay. Since then, she's seen him when Annie insists on visiting her or in District 13 meetings. She looks around and sees John, who excuses himself to do some work with Peeta. He walks out. She composes herself and smiles at him.

"Hi Finnick." He just stares at her and he actually looks upset with her. "What's the matter? Is Annie okay?" She asks genuinely concerned.

"Annie's fine. I had been looking for you last night but you weren't in your room. I went looking for you this morning and your doctor told me that you had spent the night with Peeta. I thought it was a mistake and I get here, and saw quite the cozy scene." He sounds resentful and clearly jealous.

Johanna has no idea what to do with this behavior. "we need each other…"

But he doesn't let her explain. "I had actually run into Katniss this morning, which is really why I went looking for you. At night she likes to go check in on Peeta from the observation room. Imagine her surprise when she saw you there with him, sleeping in his arms. I thought, she'd imagine it. She takes too many drugs you know, it's possible she imagined it."

Johanna is surprised to hear him say this about Katniss. She also feels angry by his tone and assumptions. "I told Katniss to stay away from him for the time being…"

"who do you think you are to try to keep them apart?!" he raises his voice at her and she's startled by his accusation. "Can you respect what they mean to each other. You know I'm actually surprised by you. I would have never thought to take your behavior towards him seriously at the Quell -but now I know better. No wonder you were so ready to cast us a side."

Johanna is startled by his words, and she's furious. "How petty do you think I am? I decided to end things with you for one reason alone, I love and respect Annie too much. What she and I went through together weights more than our once a year romping arrangement." She protests to him.

He is furious when he hears this but he's hurt and his fragile nature come through. "Is that all you think we are?"

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Whatever it was, it doesn't matter now. I'm not the same person anymore. The promise of this revolution was the only thing that kept me company for years, I gladly gave myself over to it. Now it's here and I'm a part of it, I've already been a victim of it, and I will be its loyal soldier. Only now, I'm not alone anymore. I have Peeta AND Annie, and I love them. Don't you get it? This revolution has already given me more than I had." She says this with tears running down her face.

Finnick reaches out and wipes her tears. She catches his hand and presses her face to his palm. Finnick's heart jumps and he embraces her. "Having you in my life gave me so much hope Johanna, you were more to me than just an affair. It was so much more than that."

She starts to sob softly and pulls away. "But we were wrong to do that Finnick." She interrupts him. "Neither me or Annie deserved that. I would get so tired of missing you, far away, all alone in District 7. All I had to look forward to was the Hunger Games where I could get small doses of your affection. You know, you never asked me how I felt about the arrangement. Do you know what it felt like for me to know that at the end you would go home to her. And you thought it was natural, perhaps because you assumed I was uncomplicated."

He looks startled to hear her confession. "I'm sorry – I had no idea you felt this way. Johanna had I known I would…"

"What? – Leave her? That wasn't going to happen and frankly I'm not sure that I would have ended our arrangement since even that was better than the nothingness I had in my life." She pulls away from his embrace.

"Finnick, I'm sorry you're struggling. I am too. You have no idea what I went through." And the last word barely escapes her because she feels the pain of the torture just thinking about it, it knocks the wind out of her. Finnick tries to reach for her again but she steps away from him. "Don't you ever, ever, judge me for doing what I need to do to get through this trauma." She manages to say between soft sobs.

His tears begin to spill over. "I want to be the one to comfort you, to help you, as much as you helped me."

"You can't be the one to do that Finnick." She wipes her tears. "You want to help me – take care of Annie." She stops to stare at him. "You've been my partner in crime, my conspirator, my fellow Victor, we've been rebels together, my lover – but you've never been my friend. Why don't we try that for a change."

He's speechless, Johanna makes her way out trying to contain the sobs.


	13. Chapter 13

Another month has gone by and I the enclosure is making me increasingly irrational. I'm disappointed because District 13 was supposed to be my freedom but instead I'm confined to a padded room and undergo daily tests. It's wearing on my fragile mind. I try so hard to cooperate with John. I keep telling myself that they need to fully understand what was done to my mind to make it what it is today. They know it was trackerjacker poison but other drugs were used. But their medical exams, the machines, being restrained are just another form of torture. I tell myself again and again that it's not because these doctors are trying to help me. Sometimes that rationale appeases me but other times the monster lurking inside of me takes over, and I end up having violent episodes. Sometimes days go by before I regain my senses and I find myself strapped down to my bed.

I sit eating like a glutinous child as I think about a lot of things. I'm increasingly depressed and this makes me think of my days after the Games. The moments where I felt like I couldn't live anymore because of the memories and constant haunting of the Tributes. I can't believe that I would gladly trade those struggles for the ones I'm facing today. I actually miss seeing them, whatever they did to my mind has stopped those hallucinations. It's amazing to think that those memories were also a part of me and even that, Snow took it away from me. I stare at my leg without the prosthetic and I smile. I reach down to touch it, they can't take this away from me, it's testimony to what they did to me, to what I survived, and who I used to be. I'm proud of it. The door opens and Annie walks in. I smile at her she doesn't come to visit often and I genuinely miss her. At night, I wake up looking for her because my subconscious doesn't sense her nearby.

"Annie!" I smile at her.

She runs to me and jumps on the bed hugging me. "Peeta – you're happy today."

I smile at her. "Well – I am now that I'm looking at you. I miss you so much." I give her a peck on the lips and then she presses her head into my neck. "What have you been up to?"

"I'm at the hospital with Johanna. But the doctors sometimes let me go stay with Finnick. Soon they'll let us live together."

"I'm so happy to hear that." I stare at her and I can't believe it, she's so lost most of the time and by comparison she's doing better than me and Johanna. Johanna would be better if she was truthful about her addiction to Morphling but I know she's hiding the full extent of her dependency from her doctors. The drugs make her suffer from psychosis, nothing violent like mine, but the doctors think she is suffering from post traumatic stress. She definitely is but there are other problems going on. "What else have the doctors told you?"

"I'm recuperating nicely, I see a special doctor that talks to me and I'm taking medicine to help my mind. They said I have multiple personalities to help me cope with everything that happened to me."

I think about what she's saying. "That's interesting. When I first met you, I noticed that myself, your personality changes. Sometimes you're child-like, other times you're calm and collected and you sound different, and other times you become very violent. I wonder if that's what I have. I doubt it though, otherwise I'd be allowed to leave the hospital and move with the rest of the people." I say sadly.

"You'll get better Peeta, then maybe they'll let you and Jo move in together, like me and Finnick."

I laugh at the thought. Then I hear laughter in the room and the sight of Finnick walking into the room startles me. "Finnick?"

He smiles at me. "Hi, Peeta. It's been a long time."

"Yes it has." He stares at me, then he looks at Annie and he observes her than us really.

"I do hope you get better soon. I keep hearing you're making progress." We stare at each other for a moment. Then he laughs.

"What?" I ask.

"I'm laughing at what Annie said, you and Johanna moving in together. Can you picture a domestic Johanna?"

I smile because I can see right through him, he's very curious about me and Johanna. "We're not lovers if that's what you're trying to figure out." His smile leaves him and he stares at me. Annie starts laughing in my arms.

"Peeta can you imagine you and Johanna having sex through those bars in those dreadful cells back in the capitol."

I look at her and laugh. "That sounds terrible!" Then I look back at Finnick and he's staring at me with a look that can only be described as resentful. I stop laughing. "What is it Finnick?"

"Nothing. I'm just still wrapping my mind over what happened this past year. How we ended up here so broken."

I stare at him then I look at Annie who is running her fingers through my beard, I smile at her. "At least you two still have each other."

Annie suddenly pulls away from my arms and sits up. "Peeta I have to show you something. I'm going to go back to my room to get it." She jumps off the bed and approaches Finnick. "I'll be back." She jumps up and kisses Finnick on the cheek.

"Sometimes in the middle of the night she'll wake up screaming for you." Finnick tells me.

"I do too. For the past year we were each other's life line, including Johanna. I hope you can understand that and accept it"

He smiles cynically. "Yeah. That's even stranger, I go to bed longing for Johanna sometimes, and Annie is the one that gets to call out to her in the middle of her dreams, looking for her desperately."

I laugh. "Awkward."

"It's not funny." He protests.

I stop laughing and I observe him. "Finnick is there something you want to tell me?"

"I guess I'm wondering how that happened. The two women that I love more than anything are now tied to you."

"Ahh – Finnick, you're making a whole lot out of nothing. Me, Johanna, and Annie – we're family now. You shouldn't be threatened by that."

He rubs his face with his hand and then he nervously runs his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to start trouble. I just… I'm trying to cope."

"We all are. Is Johanna not reaching out to you?" I ask.

"No, she ended things with me. She says after everything she and Annie went through together, she can't betray her like that. She also made me feel like garbage, because I apparently made her feel like she was just my play thing and I had no problems cheating on Annie."

"It's not like that?" I ask and he glares at me. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to assume anything and I'm not judging you. You have to understand why it would appear that way."

He nods. "It's not like that. I love them both, and I failed at conveying that to Johanna. I didn't know that I had. I know I never said it but – it's not like she's the easiest person to deal with…" He stops for a second to try to rethink his words. "She was very lonely for a very long time. She feels like she's a death trap, so why let anyone in. Anyway – what about you - how are you doing?" Finnick asks changing the subject.

"I'm going crazy." I start to laugh because it's true. "I'm trying, I really am, I just don't know how much more I can take this. I guess I'm really depressed. The doctors are trying to work through my muddled mind, make sense of things. But I feel like I can't even trust myself. I do trust Annie and Johanna, it's like they're my conscience."

"I was told that we can't say your trigger word." He says, referring to Katniss.

"Yeah, then there's that. " I pause for a second and think back to what I was told I did to her. "I am sorry for what I did to her that day. I completely lost it. I don't like knowing that I'm capable of that. I feel like I have a split personality and this other entity is always brewing inside of me, waiting to come out. I hate that feeling."

"Give it time, they had you for over a year. It's only been two months here. Don't give up." Then he stays silent and looks at me curiously.

"What?"

"I don't want to upset you."

"Say it. I would tell you if I'm in no condition."

"Do you still love her?" He asks referring to Katniss.

I laugh. "No."

"Wow, you didn't even have to think about that."

"That's because there's nothing to think about. This isn't some alter state of mind response, if it were I wouldn't even be able to think about her without flying into a rage. Finnick, I don't know when or how it happened but all that love is gone. It's as if I was wiped clean of it. I have memories of loving her, they go back to my childhood. Then there are holes in my memories, and that revolves around the Games and the Quell. I remember the time between the Games and the Quell, and it's as if those feeling connected to her happened to someone else. Anyway, while I was locked up in there stripped of everything that mattered, it occurred to me that perhaps loving her like that was not the best thing for me. She didn't deserve it. Once she knew of my love for her, she was all too happy to let me sacrifice myself for her."

"That's not true Peeta. She wanted you to win the Quell."

I nod. "It doesn't matter anymore Finnick. It's not all her fault. I'm more to blame really. I should have loved myself more, I shouldn't have given up on myself the way I did. I was stupid and naïve and people took advantage. Maybe she didn't on purpose – but Haymitch did. He's the grown up he should have known better. No - he was more than happy to let me sacrifice myself. Anyway, I don't know if my love for her faded away on its own or if Snow wiped that clean from my mind and heart or a combination of both. I guess what is important now is that I don't want it in my life anymore. My love for her literally made me self-destructive. How can that possibly be good for me?"

Finnick stares at me in disbelief. "So there's no chance, you don't even want it…"

"No, I don't. I do want my father, my brothers, make it right with my mother, my friends." I start to tear up. "I hate that I thought it would be so easy to let them go. I never once considered the possibility that I would be left alone here and that they would be gone. I only thought about how I would sacrifice myself for her and that they would go on without me." I stop to breathe for a moment. "Can you believe that? I thought this was okay. I don't ever want to be that person again."

He nods at me, looking at me sympathetically. "I actually hadn't thought about you losing everyone, including friends. A few thousand people made it out of 12, no one you knew survived?"

"I guess not. Coin told me she personally checked for my family when refugees arrived and she received confirmation from the refugees that they didn't make it. I didn't want to hear details. No one else has come looking for me. I think most of the people that survived were people from the Seam – it makes sense."

"I'm sorry." Finnick tells me.

"Thank you." I take a deep breath "You know you are acting like you lost Johanna, you haven't. She needs a friend. Give her that." I say changing the subject because I don't want to think about what I've lost anymore.

He laughs. "I want to. But it's difficult because of what we share. We have passion – and I can't shut that off." He laughs again. "I know you're young I don't know if you ever had the opportunity to experience what I'm telling you– or remember." He looks at me as if he knows something I don't.

I smile. "I do, actually. There was someone in my life that would trigger this passion…" I stop to think about Ivy "It was hard to contain, it was hard to be around her and just be platonic. I'd give anything to see her again."

Finnick eyes me curiously. "You're looking good Peeta. You're putting on weight again."

I smile at him, beaming really. "Thank you! I'm trying really hard." Finnick is taken aback by my enthusiasm.

He laughs again. "Must be nice, you get toeat as much as you like."

"It's not just that – Coin talked the doctors into letting me work out in the gym. It helps me so much."

"I'm happy to hear that Peeta." Just then Annie comes running back in, she has two books in her hands. She runs to my bed and jumps into my arms again.

"Look, I got you a sketch pad. I remembered that you told me you liked to draw. I brought you special pencils. My therapist is making me draw and I told her that you can draw. I wanted to bring it to you." I smile at her and for some reason I'm consumed by sadness and I begin to cry. She embraces me instantly. "Why are you sad."

"I'm sorry Annie. I hadn't thought about painting or drawing in forever. Not once while we were in the Capitol. For more than a year I didn't think about it once, about something that made me so happy." She hugs me. I finally pull away and I turn to Finnick. "Finnick, thank you for coming for bringing her to visit. But you both should go now. I'm tired."

Finnick nods and he grabs Annie by her hand and pulls her off the bed. They walk out together and Annie now looks dazed again, she stares blankly at me. Finnick talks to her as they walk out but she's unresponsive.

I lay in my bed and begin to sob uncontrollably, it's moments like these that I wish Snow would have killed me in the Capitol instead.


	14. Chapter 14

**Johanna and Finnick**

Finnick sits besides Johanna at her hospital bed. She's still sleeping. He grabs her hand and kisses it and he studies her closely. He looks at her arms and is pleased to see the traces of her scars and bruises have mostly subsided. He moves his face close to hers and kisses her forehead. He then rests his head next to hers as he continues to pet her hand. She stirs a little and she opens her eyes slowly. Her eyes meet his and she moves her hand to his face. He can't help the smile that takes over him, she smiles too. She lets her thumb grace his bottom lip. He doesn't even think, he moves forward to meet her lips with his. The moment their lips touch, he feels a new life run through him. But the exciting feeling is short lived. She pulls away. She stares at him and she sits up.

"Finnick. Don't – I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"I know, we were just being honest."

She glares at him. "Why are you here?"

"John told me you were very sick last night."

"Oh. Thank you for checking on me. How's Peeta?"

"Not well. Johanna – I think you may have to accept that Peeta may not get better. We know he has permanent brain damage, he seems to just be deteriorating now. I'm sorry."

"I think it's too soon to tell. I also think the approach is all wrong. You sat in that meeting, everything done to him depends on how it benefits Katniss. How the fuck is that a good thing."

"I understand your frustration…"

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" She interrupts him and protests.

"Let me finish. I happen to agree with you. But what the hell are we supposed to do." He looks around and whispers to her. "I don't trust Coin, and she's smarter than this. I think she wants to keep Peeta like this. She's insisting that he gets training as soon as possible. " Finnick explains.

"Why?"

"Because he's a lose canyon – " he stops to look around again. "She hates Katniss, why fix a weapon that has been wired to kill her."

Johanna looks shocked. She stares into space thinking. "Then it's up to us to make sure he gets better."

"Question. Last time I was with the two of you and he was freaking out. You were the only one that calmed him down. You asked him about an Ivy. Who's that?"

She smiles at me and it makes his heart jump because it's her old mischievous smile. "Oh – you wouldn't believe it if I told you."

"Tell me." He plays along.

"It's a girl from District 12…"

Just then John walks in with a crowd of people behind him. "Okay everyone, this is the beginning of the psychiatric wing of the hospital." He explains to the crowd of people.

Johanna rolls her eyes. Just then John looks in her direction and smiles at her obvious discontent. He walks over to her bed.

"Hello Johanna. I'm sorry to disturb you, I'm showing our new medical students around the hospital. A lot of them are refugees from District 12, we're very lucky to have them."

Johanna smiles at him cannily. "Whatever…" but she stops talking and stares into the crowd, her face transforms she looks as if she's seen a ghost. Finnick stops to look into the crowd but he doesn't see anything odd.

"Are you okay?" Finnick asks.

"Anyway, Johanna we'll get out of your way." John smiles at her and turns. "Okay everyone this way." He begins to usher them.

"Hey red!" Johanna suddenly leaps to the end of her bed and the crowd stops and looks at her.

Finnick is startled and he looks back into the crowd, obviously she's talking to the only redhead in the crowd, a striking young woman, who eyes Johanna curiously.

"Johanna are you okay?" John approaches her again.

"I'm fine doc. I'm just talking to Red here." She gestures towards the girl, who stares right at her, she seems indifferent to Johanna's insistence. "I need to go to the bathroom and I'd like Red here to help me."

The girl stares at Johanna. "I'd rather not." She responds coolly.

"Sorry Johanna, you can't make people do what you want. I'd be happy to help you myself." John insists.

"No I want her. She's pretty don't you think?" She doesn't really ask anyone. The redhead now looks annoyed but she continues to look indifferent.

"Why her?" Finnick asks.

"Because, she's quite possibly the most beautiful girl here. Her long wavy red locks that reach the middle of her back. Her face, that amazing poker face, it doesn't give anything away. Her large emerald green eyes that sit above a regal nose and perfectly full-sculpted lips. There is something about her presence, the way she holds herself, that gives me the impression that she's cunning, calculating even. But I know better." Finnick and John look both confused and concerned.

"Johanna are you okay?" Finnick asks and he look at the redhead again and he notices that her whole demeanor has changed. There are even tears in her eyes.

"I'll help her. It's okay." She walks towards Johanna and extends her hand out to her. Johanna takes it and the young woman walks her to the bathroom.

Inside the bathroom, Johanna hobbles to sit on the toilet and the redhead stands in front of her.

"Why did you say that?"

"Are you from 12?" Johanna asks and the girl nods yes.

"Why did you say that?" She repeats to her.

"Making an observation. I'm sure you hear that a lot." Johanna says.

She nods. "No – only one person in the world used to describe with those words. And I'm trying desperately to reach him." She wipes the tears that escape her. "You're Johanna Mason." Johanna nods. "Where is he? I've been trying to get to him but they won't let me, or his friends, or Delly who's like a sister to him."

Johanna looks shocked. "What?!"

"It doesn't matter – I can explain another time. Please take me to him." She pleas, no it's more like she demands.

"If Coin is trying to keep you from him it's going to be a challenge. I'm not going to ask anyone permission. You will simply show up with me. I go to him at night, I have clearance, he's been struggling lately. If I can get out of the hospital tonight to see him, you'll meet me here."

"I can do that. I have to put in volunteer hours in the hospital. I'll get John to assign me to this area and I can help you get around."

Johanna smiles approvingly. "You're savvy. You could get on Coin't bad side."

"I'll take on anyone – nobody is going to come between him and me ever again."

"Okay. How are you going to get Doc to assign you here specifically?" Johanna asks.

Ivy smiles cunningly. "Leave that to me, I have that covered."

Johanna smiles at her again. "Okay then. Let's plan on tonight."

Johanna and Ivy step back out of the bathroom and Johanna see that John is still standing there, he looks alarmed as he eyes Ivy curiously.

"What are you still doing here? Don't you have students to mentor?" Johanna asks.

"I'm concerned, you practically snatched one of my students, and pretty much coerced her to take you to the bathroom." John protests. He looks angry and Johanna and Finnick are surprised. He has been assigned as the Tribute's primary physician and they have never seen him angry. He only seems to function on patience and kindness.

Ivy walks towards him and gently puts her hand on his forearm. "John, it's okay." The moment she does this John's expression changes completely, his whole expression softens up again. "She didn't coerce me." She smiles sweetly. "I realized that she was Johanna Mason, you know I have a soft spot for Tributes, being from 12 and all. Besides, I shouldn't turn away those seeking help. It's my job now." She proceeds to rub his arm.

He smiles at her and actually blushes a little. Johanna catches this and turns away from them to look at Finnick to amusingly smile. No wonder Ivy was confident that she could get John to assign her a night shift. John takes a deep breath and looks at Johanna. "I'm sorry for overreacting. You must understand that you try my patience, right?" He asks with a playful smile on his face.

"Me?" Johanna responds sarcastically.

"Johanna it was nice to meet you. Hopefully I get to see you around more often." She turns to John and smiles then walks out of the room to follow the rest of the students and John follows her out.

Johanna makes herself comfortable in her bed again.

"What was that about?" Asks Finnick.

Johanna eyes him curiously and wonders if she can disclose Ivy's identity, more importantly, to disclose how significant she is to Peeta. Finnick is very close to Katniss and Johanna can't be sure if he would interfere just to appease Katniss. "Nothing. Wasn't she gorgeous. I mean – I couldn't look away."

Finnick laughs. "Since when are you into girls… never mind. Nothing surprises me about you. And yes, she was beautiful. Did you see the way John looked at her?" Johanna smiles at him. "What is with these District 12 girls." He laughs.

"Have I missed any more meetings?" Johanna asks changing the subject.

"One or two but nothing important." Finnick responds.

"I want to see Peeta today. I hope I can do that."

"I don't know – he's not doing any better. I'm worried about him. He had a bad episode. What if he's just supposed to decline because of what they did to him."

Johanna looks resentful over the idea. "No, I'm not giving up. I still insist that if the doctors are allowed to treat him using his strengths and not Katniss's, they would have had a better result by now. If military is dictating his recovery based on Katniss's needs – he'll never get better." She stays silent and she wonders if it's the right thing to take Ivy to him. It has to work.

"What are you thinking?" Finnick observes her closely. "You look like you're scheming."

"Maybe I am. What are you going to do? Turn me in if I am." She asks half-heartedly.

"I would never do that to you." He smiles at her. They gaze at each other for a moment but he looks away. "I'm going to let you get ready for dinner. Have a good night."

"Oh – I will." Johanna replies arrogantly.

He stares at her, trying to figure out if she is up to something.

Night comes and Johanna manages to sleep a little. She's woken up by someone shaking her shoulder.


	15. Chapter 15

Today I'm a little calmer but I feel that same storm brewing in my mind, ready to take over. I haven't even been able to eat. The suicidal thoughts are more present than ever and it's more than I can take. I can see the desperation in my doctors' faces, especially John. Poor John, he has hope, I can see it in his face. I miss that feeling, I remember what it felt like. They're desperate to get me over this emotional hurdle, this consuming depression. I can tell that they don't know what else to try on me. Even Coin has made a few appearances; whatever she wants from me, she must want it desperately to come see me fall apart over and over again. I bet she's regretting putting perfectly good soldiers at risk, just to save me. Save me – I'm lost to them. I'm lost in my sinking feelings that are clouded by loss, heartbreak, and despair.

"Peeta." I hear John call out to me and it takes all my strength to open my eyes and look at him. "Peeta, there is someone here who would like to see you. He is desperate to see you. You don't have to talk, he doesn't have to talk either. He would be okay to just sit with you." All I can do is take a deep breath and close my eyes.

"Who is it?" I ask.

"It's – Haymitch…"

My eyes spring open, and I feel a surge of energy run through me. It's not that storm brewing in my mind, it's me. I feel my blood boiling. I think about this for a minute, will his visit make anything better for me. How can the doctors think this is a good idea. I look at John and at least he doesn't look happy about it. He must be following orders. I think again, and if I'm honest with myself I have been wanting to see him again. I need to see the look in his face when he sees me. Did I matter so little to him and if he did love me like a son and he is pained by the sight of me, then that alone will be worth it.

"Send him in. I want to see him." I sit up and I'm shocked at my sudden alertness, adrenalin is an amazing thing. My heart is racing and I feel my blood boiling.

He walks in slowly, staring at the floor. I nod and take a deep breath. Good, he can't look me in the eye. At least he's showing shame and I guess remorse. I start cracking my fingers.

"Peeta please try to stay calm." John reminds me as he reaches out to touch my hand.

"Whoever ordered you to organize this reunion should have thought of that. I'm not blaming you John." I look back at Haymitch and he has stopped in the middle of the room. He's looking at me again. His cold gray Seam eyes stare at me wide-eyed, they're disgusting. I take a deep breath again.

"Why do you want to see me?" I say to him.

He looks startled and nervous. "I wanted to see you since you got here. But – you were in no condition."

"Did you want to see with your own eyes what is left of me?" I respond. He stares at me in shock and I can tell that he's shaking. "Well take a look." I spring up and leap over the foot of my bed. I strip my shirt off so that he sees the scars and the bruises that refuse to go away, the traces of my skeleton that still pronounces itself. John rushes to my side and gently grabs my arm.

"Peeta please." John pleads.

"I'm fine don't worry. I'm not going to choke the life out of him like I tried with her." Haymitch looks over my body and he winces when he hears my words.

"For what it's worth Peeta. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He practically whimpers.

"For what? Do you know why you're apologizing to me?" I stare at him.

"Yes I do. For lying to you, for using you without your consent, for taking advantage of you, and especially for leaving you behind. Forgive me…"

I nod. "That about covers it I guess." I walk towards him and I think back to the night before the Arena. Through the muddled memories I do remember Haymitch crying and embracing me, calling me his son. I remember how I desperately wanted to make sure that I went into the Arena again and how I actually believed that I would have to convince him. "How could you stand there and call me your son!" He winces. "You called me your son and you send me into a death trap. And don't tell me you wanted me to make it out. I made it so simple for all of you - love sick Peeta will sacrifice himself for the girl anyway! No point in telling him what is going on. No wonder you drink – how can you stand yourself otherwise." I manage to say it between sobs. "Tell me one thing, was that bitch in on it too?"

"She had nothing to do with it." He says defensively and this only makes me more angry. "When she woke up she thought the Capitol had her. She wondered through the plane with a syringe ready to …" For some reason he can't finish. He takes a moment to compose himself. "When she found us, me, and I told her what happened she wanted to kill me. I almost lost an eye. Peeta she was inconsolable, sick with depression over the thought that you were dead. We both were, Peeta we love you."

A maddening laugh takes over when I hear him say this. "You know how many people I killed to get out of the Capitol. I remember the arena and I felt sick every time I had to kill one of my fellow tributes. But when I killed my captors escaping the Capitol -I felt nothing but joy. Because nothing really matters anymore. The idea sends shivers down my spine sometimes because it means that I am truly gone. My biggest fear was that they would change me, and they did, with your help no less. Not just because of their torture, or Snow, but because of your betrayal. I hope you can face that truth, that you are responsible for that. You and Snow are responsible for what was done to me and I hope you feel the full weight of it. That your love for me, if it's really true, destroys you, the way my love for her destroyed me." I take a deep breath and I'm furious now. "I hope it hurts, I hope you suffer…." I walk towards him and with every step I feel the weight of my depression take a hold of me again. Every step I take I feel as if I'm dragging the weight of the world around me and it's suffocating. I'm finally facing off with him. "Do you think you could use me like that and walk free? Do you think you can claim to love me and leave me to die? You can't do that!"

Once again, John is at my side grabbing my arm and pulling me back. I stare at Haymitch in the eye until he can't bear his own shame and his head hangs by the weight of it. "Please calm down Peeta. Come sit down." John insists but I remain standing.

"You want my forgiveness? Don't you see… I can't ever do that. For what? You need to understand that when you love someone you don't play with their lives. Because I gave you my trust and loyalty and you sacrificed me in return. And now you show up here asking for my forgiveness. For what? So that you can be my friend, so that you can be my family? Do you know how impossible that is!" I take a moment to breathe. " I wish I wouldn't hate you so much, because that way I would be void of you, free of you. " I stare at him for a moment. "Get the hell out. I will never forgive you for what you did to me." I turn back to my bed and sit on the edge. I wait until he's out to completely collapse. I start hyperventilating. John tries to inject medicine but I take the syringe out of his hand and crush it with my hand.

"Peeta don't! Don't do this to yourself." I feel his hands on me and everything goes dark. I can hear feet running into the room and I hear screaming, horrifying screams and once again, I realize that it's me.

* * *

Johanna opens her eyes and sits up. She sees Ivy standing in front of her.

"Are you ready?" Ivy asks with a serious look on her face.

"Yes." Johanna smiles.

"I'll get your wheelchair." Ivy pulls the chair over and pulls Johanna out of bed.

Johanna smiles. "I know you're anxious…"

Ivy interrupts her. "You have no idea how I feel. Anxious doesn't begin to explain it. I'm desperate."

Johanna feel bad for her and she has a lot of questions. "Let's get going then."

Once they are out of the hospital they begin to head towards Peeta.

"Why weren't you able to see him?" Johanna asks.

"I tried. I asked anybody that would listen, that I wanted to see him. Not just me, his friends, his closest friends. Nathan, Silas, and Delly… We asked teachers, doctors, soldiers – all they said was that they would look into it. We would usually get responses from soldiers telling us that he was in no condition for visitors because of his fragile state of mind. But that they would keep us posted. Silas is a training soldier now so he's been able to get information. He knows people are visiting him, including you. One thing is clear, they don't want us near him. Hell I heard, Katniss's sister gets to visit him. But not us?" Her cool demeanor breaks down the moment she mentions Katniss. Johanna looks up at her and she stares at her eyes, she's furious. "All they care about is accommodating her. Then I thought, I could reach out to her to tell her that we're here and we want to see him. But the little coward is never present. She's either in top-secret meetings, hanging out in the war room, hiding out in the forest with Gale, getting high, or hiding in air vents." Ivy stops speaking and Johanna continues to study her face. She is truly furious.

"I'm sorry. I did ask at a meeting if they were certain tha people close to him were dead. Coin personally confirmed that no one had come forward to see him. They're lying."

Ivy looks down at Johanna as she pushes Johanna's wheelchair. "That confirms my suspicion, they're still using him. Only now, Coin has him. She hates Katniss and now she can use Peeta against her, The way Snow wanted. As far as she's concerned, she just captured the best weapon to stop her precious Mockingjay."

"But that doesn't make sense…" Johanna says.

Ivy stops walking and moves to stand in front of her. She leans over and whispers in Johanna's ear. "It makes perfect sense. The rebelling districts absolutely love Katniss. She's the leader, she moves them, she is playing the Mockingjay role beautifully. It's benefitting Coin now, but she's like Snow. She wants power and she's envious of Katniss's power. Why fix the weapon that can take her down. And if he does, Coin has no choice but to execute him, and she walks away clean." She pulls away and looks at Johanna in the eye. Johanna stares back at her, it all makes sense to her now. "She doesn't realize that people like me, like Peeta, like you – have been fighting tyrants like her our whole lives. She's never had to deal with that. She's simply riding the wave of people that are tired of Snow and are finally fighting back." She stands up and begins to push the chair again. "One thing at a time. I need to see Peeta now." Johanna stares at her and she can see her chin trembling.

"I have no doubt that seeing you is going to be a great remedy for him." Johanna says softly.

"Why do you say that?" Ivy asks.

"When we were in the Capitol, when he was close to losing his mind, your name was the only thing that would make him hang on." Johanna continues to look at Ivy's still face and silent tears spill down her cheeks. She wipes them coolly.

They are finally outside the observation room but they are startled because they hear screaming and crashing inside.

"Peeta!" Ivy calls out and runs to the door, opens it, and runs in with Johanna following behind her.

* * *

 **Katniss**

I can't breathe, hearing Peeta's words towards Haymitch are like a knife to her heart. Everything he's saying is true – what Haymitch did to him, to us, is unforgivable. But why could I forgive him? It's because I'm too much like him and the thought makes me sick. All I can do now is see my love through a looking glass. I hear him dismiss Haymitch and he walks out looking completely destroyed, probably feeling as ashamed and as destroyed as I feel right now. When Haymitch walks into the observation room our eyes meet and I have compassion for him perhaps because it's like looking into a mirror. I have no words for him and neither does he. Of course we don't, we are so much alike. I look back at Peeta and I see him back on his bed. He's not well. I can tell by his breathing.

"Peeta." I whisper to him, I would do anything to hold him. I feel Gale and Finnick's presence in the room and I am grateful for them, even though I don't deserve them. I then see Dr. Thrive attempt to sedate him perhaps but Peeta rips the syringe from his hand and destroys it. I feel my chest tighten at the anticipation of the horror that will surely follow - Peeta, overcome by darkness and madness. I begin to sob out loud. I hear the herd of doctors rush the room to restrain him and sedate him; the usual violent heartbreaking scene that I have seen too many times. I want to run away from here but at the same time I don't ever want to leave this room. Then I hear his shrill scream, it's not him, it can't be him. At the sound, I fall against the glass, close my eyes, and cover my ears. I feel Haymitch's arms around me and he helps me to a chair.

"I shouldn't have come to see him. This was a bad idea." Haymitch says.

"It was worth a try. We have to try anything that may…"

Haymitch interrupts her. "That what? He's gone Katniss." She stares at him in horror. She looks back into the room and Peeta has managed to get away from the doctors. Haymitch, Gale, Finnick, and I jump to our feet as we see him run towards the door of the observation room. Haymitch pushes me back protectively and starts to push me towards the exit door. But before he reaches the door, guards from the observation room run in to stop him. They close the door behind them and once again Peeta breaks free. He runs towards a counter, he turns and I can tell he has something in his hands. He runs towards the opposite corner of the room, which puts him right in front of the looking glass, the only thing separating us.

I press my hand against the glass where he is pressing his head. "Peeta, please let them help you." I plead to him, if only my words could reach him. I look down at his hands and I see it. He's holding a piece of glass. My instincts kick in before I can process what is happening. "Peeta! No!" I start to bang on the glass. I feel someone trying to pull me back. I'm screaming hysterically but he can't hear me. He slashes his wrists and in a blink of an eye there is blood everywhere.

I try to run in but Haymitch holds me back I end up breaking a few things as I struggle against him. "No, Katniss you'll make it worse if he sees you." When he says this, I begin to sob because I can't accept it. One of the guards comes back inside and he sees the mess that I've made. To make matters worse, there is standoff in the room. Peeta is now holding the glass to his throat if the doctors come near him again. They are all shocked and we are left paralyzed as he bleeds away in front of us. The only sound are my inconsolable sobs.

Suddenly the door slams open and I see Johanna trailing behind a young woman. I stare at her because she seems familiar to me. She sees Peeta against the window and she runs to the looking glass shoving me to the side.

"Peeta!" She screams, she looks panicked, and desperate. I look at Johanna.

"Johanna don't go in there! he won't let anyone near him and he's threatening to kill himself." I say to her. She looks terrified as she looks at the blood that is gushing from his wrists. We can hear John talking to him through the open door but Peeta screams that he doesn't want anyone near him or he'll slash his throat. Hearing him say this only makes me scream out loud as I stare at him pressed against the window. The young woman looks in my direction when she hears me scream. She then looks past me and starts to head towards the door. When I realize that she's going to walk in there, I instantly grab her arm.

"What are you doing? You can't go in there!" I protest feeling incredibly protective of him.

"Get your hands off me Katniss!" She screams in my face and effortlessly pushes me away. She turns to keep walking but I grab her, feeling suddenly angry.

"Didn't you hear me – he's a threat to himself, he's a threat to everybody!"

"He's not to me." She says confidently and calmly. She painfully pushes my hand away from her arm. "Don't ever put your filthy Seam hands on me again."

I'm startled to hear her say this. She's from District 12, why does she look so familiar. I grab my head because I begin to feel a migraine. She finally walks into the room. "Who the hell is she?" I ask.

"Peeta please…" I hear her call out to him pleading. I look back at Peeta who is standing on the other side of the looking glass. I look into his eyes and his pupils are completely dilated. He looks in her direction, stares at her for a moment, but turns back towards the Looking glass. "Peeta, it's me…" She calls out to him again. He begins to take deep breaths and squeezes his eyes shut. He has stopped screaming. When he opens his eyes again, his eyes are back to normal. His beautiful warm and inviting eyes are there. My Peeta's eyes. He turns slowly to look at her.

I repeat myself. "Who is she?"

I hear Peeta call out to her. "Ivy."


	16. Chapter 16

I can feel the weight of my pain draining out of me. Finally. I can only hope that the doctors keep their distance so that I can end my misery. I can't see anything really, I'm surrounded by the coal dusted cloud that weights me down day in and day out. Soon, it will all be over. I hear my name called out. The voice sounds painfully familiar. I turn my head to look for the voice but I see nothing. Focus, Peeta, focus. Something inside of me suddenly starts to beg for me to focus. Suddenly the world comes into focus again. I hear that voice call my name. I look at my hand and it's covered in blood, I'm covered in blood. I turn to look in the direction of the voice, and I see her. "Ivy" I call out to her.

"Peeta." She whimpers to me. I instantly drop the glass to the ground and it shatters. I make my best effort to straighten up as I stare at her in disbelief. She rushes to me but stops at arm's length.

"Is this real?" I ask because I can't believe it. She's here, her face, her eyes, her hair. How long did I wish she was here, and now she is.

Her chin begins to tremble and she begins to cry softly. She slowly moves her hands towards my face and I feel her touch, which sends a rush of memories through my mind – memories of us. "It's me Peeta, Ivy, your Ivy."

My hands reach out to touch her cheek, her hair, I then trace my finger down her neck to her collar bone. She inhales sharply and she lets out soft sobs. She then boldly leans into me and gently kisses my lips without taking her eyes off mine. I stare at her emerald green eyes. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around her. I can feel her tremble in my arms and she lets out a sob. I pull away from her and press my forehead against hers.

"This can't be real. You died in the bombings… they told me." I keep my eyes closed because I'm afraid that this feeling, her warmth, the feeling of us, will disappear like my other hallucinations.

She then takes my hand and presses it over her chest, where I can feel her drumming heartbeat.

"Can you feel that? Remember when we first made love – you pressed your head against my chest and you teased me because my heart was racing, it was so loud you said it would wake up your entire household."

When I hear her say this, it's as if she uncovers that memory for the first time and I relive the feeling of laying in her arms, my cheek can actually feel her moist skin from that day, and it feels my heart with joy. I begin to tremble. I hear a crash through the mirror and it makes me open my eyes to make sure she's okay. She is, her eyes are dancing. I gently bring my hand up to her face and I'm horrified by the blood. I look down and see that she's covered in it.

"Ivy!" I scream in desperation. "The blood!" She grabs my wrists and I see that it's mine, I'm bleeding, I did this. I fall to my knees. "Please let the doctors treat your wrists, please Peeta." She kisses my lips again and all I can do is cry as I stare at my wrists. She maneuvers behind me and she shifts my weight to rest against her. John rushes towards me and grabs my hands. I let him. I begin to sob uncontrollably.

"It's okay, Peeta. It's okay – I'm here now."

I look up at her I don't want to see them fix my wrists, I just want to look at her. I focus on her to pull me out of my madness. "I thought you were dead. I thought the bombs got you…" I say again.

She looks at me and smiles. "After everything you did to keep me safe, to keep me away from all of them, to keep us a secret, you didn't think I'd let Snow's bombs come between us..." She smiles triumphantly and it fills my heart with joy.

 **Katniss**

I hear her words echo in my head. _After everything you did to keep me safe, to keep me away from all of them, to keep us a secret, you didn't think I'd let Snow's bombs come between us..._ I'm not sobbing anymore, I'm cold, I'm numb, what is happening? I'm jolted out of this strange numbing feeling because I have fallen to my knees. I turn around and I see Gale staring at me with concern. I stop to look at him as I think of his confession to me, about him and Madge and Peeta and Madge. I hear his words in my head again - _You can' t go through life being so self-involved and show total disregard towards the people that are willing to die for you. There is a lot more to Peeta that you don't know I'm sure._

"Did you know about this?" I ask and I can't help the accusatory tone in my voice.

His concern changes to a bitter expression. "The whole town knew Katniss – except maybe you. That's not my fault." He turns around and walks out of the room.

I guess he's right to do so, the last thing he deserves is to hear my resentful reproaches over another man. I shakily stand up again and I turn back to the room and I see Ivy holding on to Peeta, and he stares adoringly up at her. She was the only being that was able to pull him out of his trance. I should be grateful but it hurts too much. I look away from them and I see that Silas, Nathan, and Delly have walked in. I'm shocked, where the hell have they been all this time. But then that misdirected anger turns on me, why didn't I go looking for them, the people that Peeta needed. This whole time, his recovery was based on my needs not his. I'm completely disgusted with myself. I see them stare at me, even Delly, they all look at me with disgust. I look away feeling too ashamed. I am suddenly aware that I am high; I'm in no condition to help anyone. I reach the door and I open it, the moment I step outside, I lose consciousness.


	17. Chapter 17

I hold on to Ivy and I bury my face in her long locks. I can't believe that the smell of her is familiar, it somehow adds a whole other dimension to a part of me and I feel happy because it's adding to my life. I feel tears of joy now. I'm so lost in the feel of her that I don't even care to feel John and the other doctors frantically sew my wrists back together again. I feel them pull at my body and Ivy stands with me. I'm on my feet now and I can't take my eyes off her. Her eyes don't leave mine and she follows close behind. The doctors help me into bed and John tries to inject me with a sedative again.

I quickly grab it and all the doctors tense up again. "No!" I plead. "Please don't. I don't want to fall asleep not with Ivy here." I look back at her. "I just got her back, please don't…" I plead again.

Ivy rushes to us and she gently puts her hands over the syringe. "John please… do this for us, we've waited so long." He stares at her wide eyed, then he looks at me.

"Peeta, you know I would do anything for you but you are not doing well. You are unstable and you just had a serious crisis. I need to protect you." Then he turns to Ivy. "I need to protect you too."

Ivy lets go of his hands. "Okay, but can you just give us more time. At least until Peeta's tired, then one of the doctors can administer. There's attendants here all night anyway."

"Ivy…" He looks away from her eyes. It occurs to me that they share a closeness, they clearly know each other. Then he looks at me. "Peeta if you want to stay up, I'll have to strap you in, for her safety."

I feel horrified and my eyes must show it. "I would never hurt her. I swear it." I look at Ivy and I can't really tell what she's trying to contain in her eyes. Whatever it is, it makes me so happy.

Then I hear his voice. "I can vouch that he would never hurt her, especially if we're here to protect them." My whole body and spirit nearly jumps out of the bed when I hear his voice. My eyes are already filled with tears before my eyes find him, Silas is standing by the door and then I see Nathan, crying next to him. My jaw hangs open and I begin to shake and cry.

"John, is this real. Do you see …" I begin to say.

"It's real Peeta, we're here. We've been here." Ivy begins to tell me through soft sobs. Nathan and Silas run to my side and embrace me. I can't do anything to control the sobs that escape me. I hug them back as best as I can with my numb hands and I don't ever want to let go.

"I thought you were dead… I thought you were dead…" I continue to repeat again and again.

"We made it Peeta. Just like you, we survived and now we're together again." Nathan tells me.

When they finally pull away I see John staring at all of us. He looks choked up himself. "Okay Peeta. I'm going to do the night watch. I won't strap you in. But you will need rest, you will absolutely need to sleep tonight with the help of this sedative. You had a serious crisis Peeta."

"I promise John, just give me more time with them." I plead.

He nods and offers me a soft smile. "I'm going to give you some space." He looks at Ivy and smiles at her. As he walks away Ivy sits on the bed and somehow manages to engulf the three of us in her arms and part of me still thinks this is a dream. Then I hear John call out to me again. "Hum, there' still another guest here, she hasn't made her way in."

I look up and the gang starts to laugh, obviously knowing something I don't. I'm startled and I don't dare hope for anything else this moment because I'm afraid it will disappear this moment from existence. Just then, Delly appears at the door way sobbing her eyes out, barely breathing. I start to cry and she runs to us. Jumps on the bed and I wrap my arms around her. Is this really happening? I can't believe it.

After a long period of just holding each other, we finally sit around my bed, they stare at me, and look at all of them.

"I don't ever want to take my eyes off any of you." I say honestly.

They smile. "We don't ever want to take you out of our sight." Silas says.

"And we never will." Nathan confirms seriously.

"What about my family?" I ask suddenly feeling hopeful but their faces say it all.

"I'm sorry Peeta, our families didn't make it." Delly announced sadly. "Not even our brothers."

I stare in the distance but I don't want my depression to take me again "Of course, I thought I'd ask just in case."

"I'm sorry we couldn't get to you sooner." Delly says sheepishly as she tries to hold back more sobs.

Then Silas explains. "Peeta, we were sitting on pins waiting to get you back. When we found out that you were rescued from the Capitol we went to everybody we could think of to see you. It became clear that they wanted to isolate you."

"Who?" I inquire. "Was it Katniss? Was it her?" and I feel my temper flare up.

Silas laughs the idea away, as if it were the most ridiculous thought ever. "No Peeta, she's been useless and harmless as result of it. She's stoned all the time…" he shakes his head as if to keep his thoughts on track. For some reason I'm shocked to hear him say this, it doesn't sit well with me but I don't dwell on it. "Coin, she clearly wanted us away from you." Silas clarifies.

Nathan joins in now. "We thought of so many ways to try to see you but our schedules here in 13 are meticulous, we couldn't get information on you. Finding Haymitch was impossible, finding Finnick impossible, your doctors-impossible. Anyway, since we finished our secondary education here and it was time to begin our career track education we thought of ways on how to get to you based on what we did know."

Now Delly begins to explain. "We knew you were in the hospital, round the clock care in a secluded and special unit. Restricted unit. So we spoke to doctors but nothing. Then we realized that Coin was keeping an eye on us so we had to be very discreet."

I lay back and listen to them and I'm enthralled in everything they're saying but I'm also basking in joy at the sight of them. They're really here, they're alive and well, and that's all that matters to me. I don't even want to dwell on this obvious plot against me by Coin. I have plenty of questions but I don't want to think about it right now. So I interrupt them and change the subject.

"What are you studying?" I ask. They stop and stare at me for a moment then they exchange glances among themselves. I feel self-conscious for just a second because I must seem deranged to them. Delly grabs my hand and smiles sweetly at me.

"I'm going to be a teacher!" She says. I smile at her.

"Me too. I'm going to be a teacher too. But I want to serve here first, and I'm in military training right now." Nathan tells me. I'm shocked to hear him say this. He notices my expression. "It's okay Peeta, I want to do this, I need to. Remember, I'm a rebel, since 12… And after what happened there, I have to see it to the end." I nod because I understand completely.

"I'm also a soldier in training." Silas smiles beaming at me, his usual playfulness is in his voice and it fills my heart with joy. He even makes me laugh. As if he's an obvious rebel, so what else could he do but rebel. We all feel his spirit run though us and we all share a chuckle. "But – I'm also studying medicine, I'll be serving as a soldier and medic." I look at him in disbelief.

"Wow, Silas – that's amazing." I say proudly.

He smiles. "Yeah – I bet not one of you thought I had it in me." We all laugh. "Turns out, I'm not dumb, just bored." We all laugh again.

I finally look at Ivy and smile at her. "What about you?" I ask.

She coyly looks at me then everyone else. "Medicine."

"That's amazing!" I smile at all of them. "None of this would be possible in 12." I say sadly.

"Don't be too impressed by her." Silas continues and Ivy frowns at him. He laughs in response to her scowl. "It was all part of her master plan to get to you." Ivy's eyes grow wide and nervous.

"What do you mean?" I ask looking back at her.

"She figured that if one of us made it into the hospital, we would eventually get access. Imagine my surprise when her plan finally worked. Here we are." They all laugh except Ivy.

"But I want to be a doctor." She protests and they all stare at her. "I do now." She says sheepishly.

"You went into medicine to find me?" I say feeling overwhelmed by the idea.

"Yes. I thought I could get more information this way and get to you I was sure of it. I didn't care how long it would take, and as you can see. It took time. I'm sorry for that." She says.

I grab her hand and kiss it. "What matters is that you're here. All of you." I look back at her.

"How did you get here?" It dawns on me that I still don't know how that happened.

She laughs. "I'm starting to do my required volunteer work at the hospital and I had the luck of running into Johanna Mason."

I can't contain my laughter. "Of course! Johanna… I told her everything about you, and she had seen you on television from the Reaping."

"Well she spotted me in the hospital. I didn't recognize her at first but thankfully I did, I was just about to send her to hell…"

I laugh aloud. "I can imagine – you two and your personalities…" I say and Ivy looks adoringly at me.

"Anyway I didn't. I ran into her this morning and I worked it so that I could see you this very day, and here I am, here we are…" She stares at me.

John walks in and interrupts us. "Okay. Everyone, I hate to interrupt, I really do, but Peeta needs rest. I've already done what's needed to make sure you all have access to Peeta regularly. Without a doubt you need this Peeta. No more plotting necessary." I catch that he stares knowingly at Ivy and she shrinks back a little. He then laughs. "Peeta, I'm going to administer a sedative now." He comes closer and I just want to bask in the sight of my friends. He injects my arm.

"John, I didn't introduce you." I begin to feel the effects of the medicine. "This is Silas, this is Nathan, this is Delly – she's like a sister to me…" I point at each of them and they nod at each other. "And this is Ivy." I look up at her and stare at her eyes, are her eyes really that beautiful? I wonder. She smiles at me and presses her hand to my cheek. I turn and kiss her palm and this makes her tear up. "Isn't she beautiful John?"

John stares quietly at her. "Yes she is Peeta." I look at him now and he smiles at me. "Get some rest, we have a lot of work to do tomorrow. My friends hug me one by one but I'm too sedated to move my arms.

Ivy comes close to my face. "Dream of me."

I smile at her, I close my eyes, and a tranquil slumber takes me. I do, I dream of Ivy.


	18. Chapter 18

I wake up by the feel of someone caressing my neck. For a moment it feels like Peeta's touch but I remember that is impossible. The room is dark so I can peek without letting whoever it is that I'm awake. It's Gale. I close my eyes immediately. His fingers continue to trace my neck.

"I'm still waiting for you." Gale speaks softly to me. Then he pulls his hand away and walks out.

I take a deep breath and wonder where I am. I quickly realize it's the hospital, I can smell it. I reach for my pants and feel the morphling bottle in my pocket. Then I see the light suddenly turn on and a curtain is pulled back abruptly next to me. I immediately sit up.

"Ha!" I see Johanna on the other side. "I knew you were awake."

I'm shocked to see her. "What the hell are you doing here? What's going on?"

She smiles cunningly. "You passed out. I'm still trying to figure out why?" She says as she eyes me up and down. "You abruptly left Peeta's room, for some reason…" She says it sarcastically then stays quiet. I stare at her, a part of me want to scream at her to have mercy on me at the moment.

"There were too many people in there – I didn't want to be in the way." I say softly and it's painfully true – nobody needed me in there. I look at her and I'm shocked to see what appears to be genuine pity in her eyes. For a second I'm grateful but then, I feel my pride hurt and I get angry. She must see it in me so her expression changes. We stay silent just looking at one another. I can't help the questions that start to storm my mind, Ivy, was accompanying her.

"Go ahead ask away." She tells me. I look at her again and wonder if she's dying to spill everything to hurt me.

I swallow and brace myself, I have to know more. "What happened? Where did –" I stop and close my eyes, I know where she came from, 12 like me, like Peeta. "How did you g…" I'm dumbfounded, I don't know what to ask her so I just stare at her, desperately wondering how I can get answers.

She looks at me coolly. "I knew about her since the Quell."

I'm shocked and I stare at her wide eyed.

She nods and continues. "Remember that fight Peeta and I had in the dining room. He threatened me?" She asks.

I nod. "I had never seen him like – well – it's the first time I saw him like that. On the verge of losing control. He looked like he wanted to kill you."

"He did. To quote him – I will grind your bones to dust with my bare hands if you tell anyone about her." She then stares at me.

I nod in disbelief. "He didn't tell you about her?" I ask and she nods no. "How?" I wonder feeling a little light headed again. How the hell did she know about her…

She answers as if she can read my damn mind. "When I watched the Reapings. Everyone was very curious about District 12's Reaping." She laughs. "I guess even I caught that Katniss and Peeta fever…" She smiles silently then sadly. "I have to say, since you both won, I've been more captivated by him because he's good."

I feel a little impatient and I don't know that I can hear her dote over Peeta. Once again she must read my thoughts or my face gave me away.

"Not like that Katniss, he's good, he's really good – at deceiving people. And to top it off, he is a good person. So no one really sees how brazen and openly defiant he is."

I feel a little angry to hear her say this because she's absolutely right. She hadn't even met him and she knew this about him. Yet, I had him next door for a year and most of the time I was too afraid to see him because of my brewing feelings for him so I avoided him.

"When I saw the reaping the camera had a close up on him and Haymitch, they didn't want to miss a second as they awaited their fates. When Effie announced Haymitch, Peeta looked out at the audience and he started to cry. He mouthed the words – I'm sorry."

I'm hanging on to her every word now…

"Then the camera showed the crowd, to show his family but to the side, she was there, Ivy. She looked the way someone looks before they die in the Arena. Then the camera switched back to Peeta and he volunteered as tribute. They showed you fall to your knees then a horrifying scream rang out. The cameral quickly turned to the audience and it showed her, just a few seconds. Peeta looked pained but he didn't look out into the audience, and I had a hunch it was over that scream."

I stare at her and I feel tears of rage piercing my eyes. I didn't hear a thing, of course I didn't.

She continues. "Peeta figured out that there was something going on between me and Finnick. He confronted me about it." She smiles and stares at me for a second. "He did it right in front of you."

I'm startled again. "What? When? I don't remember."

"In the elevator. Remember I stripped in front of him. I was trying to unnerve him, test him… well he beat me at my little game. I wasn't expecting that from sweet Peeta. He made me shake when he indirectly told me that he knew about me and Finnick and that he would be using it against me – and Finnick."

"How did he do that?" I ask in disbelief because he never said anything like that.

She sticks out her pinky finger. "He grabbed my pinky finger and playfully twisted it." She says and I stare at her feeling completely confused. "The exact same way Finnick does, a very intimate gesture between us."

I close my eyes and I remember Finnick telling me about this. The tears escape me and I'm furious and bewildered at the same time. I start to laugh. "Just like that he threatened you… I would have never."

She interrupts me. "Known? Yeah. I told you. He's good."

"He fooled me." I say bitterly.

She looks me over to assess what I just said but she continues. "Anyway, I had to hit back, to control him. I didn't want him to go after us before we entered the Arena. So I rushed back to my room and saw your Reaping again. I saw it over and over again, and I just knew there was something there. So the next day at that luncheon. I confronted him again. I played with him at first and he kept up with me. Then I struck, I asked him why he apologized at the reaping."

"What did he say?"

She laughs. "Well, can I just say he held it together admirably but I noticed he blinked a few times." She laughs remembering. "He fed me a very good line, made perfectly good sense. So I just hit – I flat out asked him about the redhead." She stares into space as if picturing the moment. She nods. "He went pale, and before I knew it he had my by the wrist, crushing it. I knew I was right."

I cover my face in disbelief. I pull my hands away and I'm still in disbelief. "He lied to me…" I say aloud. "I remember that, I came to pull him away and I could hear him talking to you through his rigid tense jaw. He was practically foaming in the mouth. He looked furious and scared all at once. I had to kiss him to get him to focus. Then he focused and he hugged me and kissed me and apologized for the fight that he and I had earlier that day." I realize that my voice is getting louder. "I'm so stupid!" I feel tears again.

I look at her and she's giving me a disgusted look.

"What?" I ask defensively.

"You do realize that it's very complicated." She begins to say and I feel beyond annoyed to hear her say this but I choose to let her finish. "Don't doubt his feelings for you. That was real. But, he had a devotion to her, perhaps similar to what you have with your cousin."

"He is not my cousin!" I yell at her because I'm sick of hearing that. "His name is Gale, and Gale and I were never lovers. Unlike Peeta and Ivy! And he lied to me. He kept that a secret from me, after we swore that we would not lie to each other. During the Victory Tour, we promised that we wouldn't hide things from each other." I think back to those days the amount of anxiety that would paralyze me just thinking about how much he was hurting because of me and how I had to find a way to keep everyone safe. A loud sob escapes me but I find my composure. "He held me in his arms, looked in my eyes, and made me promise that I would never hide anything from him." I take a deep breath again. "Why would he lie to me like that?"

"He was only trying to keep her safe Katniss."

I stare at her in disbelief. "He almost bit my head off over my relationship with Gale, a relationship and a bond he knew about all along!

"Exactly Katniss! Look at what happened to Gale because Snow found out about him? If you could have avoided that, wouldn't you have done the same thing?" She asks.

I take a moment to consider this and I see her point but it doesn't sit right with me and I immediately realize why. "I wouldn't have kept quiet about Gale because I trusted Peeta, this tells me that he didn't trust me."

"Or – he couldn't put her life on the line just because he was on the spotlight. It is that simple."

I nod to consider what she's saying. "Whatever his reasoning, he betrayed me, he lied to me, he… " Then I feel shame succumb me because this is not about me. It's about Peeta, what he endured, and that someone was able to put him back together. Someone that I knew nothing about because I guess without really thinking about it too much, I expected his undivided attention and devotion. I look up at Johanna and realize why she hates me. "I'm so stupid. I had it rough as a child and I make it all about me, how to save me, how do I save who I care about and nothing else matters. His love for me became a light in my life. I thought…" I stay quiet and think about what I want to say. "I knew he had a lot of friends, I saw him with girls over the years, he admitted that he had been intimate with girls – I just never asked more." I stop to consider this realization. "It had nothing to do with me so why find out more? That was my logic. I should have been more curious. I'm surprised with myself really, I'm not conceited… yet unknowingly I've behaved like his world revolved around me."

"Yeah." Johanna says dryly in agreement.

"You brought her – why hadn't she come forward before?"

"She tried – I guess Coin didn't want hir or his other friends near him."

"What!?"

"Shhh" Johanna looks out the door then turns to me. This Ivy is sharp, she thinks that having a semi-homicidal Peeta works in Coin's favor because she has the perfect weapon against you. Rumor has it she doesn't like you.

I'm shocked, I know I'm a puppet to her, but I had not considered that she is already planning my demise. "She doesn't." I confirm.

"Exactly, as Ivy pointed out, why fix Peeta when he can serve a great purpose down the line."

"I won't let her use him."

Johanna smiles big. "Very good Katniss, you're putting him first."

I glare at her. "Don't doubt for a second that I don't prioritize him. I'm not perfect, I never claimed to be, and for the record I was willing to die for him… I still am but not by his hand. He'll never forgive himself."

Johanna nods. "He won't, I have a feeling that what happened today will be a huge turn around for the better." Johanna smiles.

"Did Peeta tell you more about Ivy? How could you be so sure that she would help him?"

"Katniss – don't ask. I may not be your biggest fan but I don't enjoy kicking anyone while they're down."

I close my eyes and sigh deeply – her response sounds painful already. "Please tell me. I need to know…" I open my eyes and pleadingly look her over.

She stares at me truly vexed. "Alright. I found out more about her while we were held captive. When the tests began, he would come out in a trance, mad, wild, and unreachable. Then he would be catatonic. I was desperate to get him to focus and I tried everything. I would ask him about his family, his brothers, his friends, you…" She takes a moment to look me over and I look hopeful. "But nothing worked, finally it occurred to me ask about the redhead he almost killed me over. The moment I did, he sat up looked right at me and described her as if he was staring at her picture. He then told me her name. The memory of her became a touching point to reality for him – to hang on to. He was sure she was dead but her memory still helped."

I feel tears stinging my eyes and I can't help but feel wounded. "Wow." Is all I can say. "How serious were they?"

Johanna looks at me pitifully. "I don't know Katniss – it was as serious as it could be for two sixteen year olds in your District. They were talking marriage after they finished school."

My mouth hangs open and I cover my face again. It's true most people marry within a year after finishing school because there is nothing much else to do. It's a big step and serious step – it doesn't get more serious than that. I close my eyes and think about our engagement, our pretend engagement. He hated the idea, he was furious, he reluctantly agreed and I remember he looked heartbroken. I close my eyes because now I realize that I threw his potential plans away, well Snow did that, but I sealed the outcome of it. "He didn't want us to get engaged. He was furious. I really messed things up for them."

"You didn't do that Katniss. You had no choice. Look, you two didn't have options anymore, whatever dream he and Ivy had planned ended the moment he was reaped. That's not your doing, that was the Capitol." She stays quiet and looks at me, I can tell that she's debating to go on or not. "Look Katniss, he told me he ended things with her after the Victory Tour." I flinch when I hear this because it hadn't occurred to me that he continued his relationship with her after the Games. "He also realized another huge reason to why he couldn't keep leading her on – he didn't love her the way she deserved, the way he loved you. How fair would it be for him to marry a girl while his thoughts and heart are with someone else. That is no way to live."

"I guess I can see that. His father was in love with my mother but married Peeta's mother instead." Johanna looks startled when I say this. I continue "I'm sure that only made his mother more bitter, and terrible. That spitefulness and reproach haunted his family."

Johanna begins to laugh. "I didn't know that about his parents. Your mother huh?" I nod and chuckle at the irony. Then she goes silent. "There's something I want to ask you. Peeta told me something one day, and I don't know if he was psychotic at the moment or maybe I just don't want to believe it."

"What?"

"He told me about Ivy and her past, that her father forced her into prostitution as a child."

It finally hits me who she is. I run my hands through my hair and I'm more startled by this revelation. I stare wide-eyed at her.

"What?" Johanna asks.

"I know her – I finally placed her – She looked familiar but I couldn't place her. I knew she was from 12 but… I couldn't for the life of me remember until now." Suddenly I remember her, the few times I saw her visiting Peeta, always with his gang of friends. I remember the time Gale and I approached him with his friends at the bakery.

"And?"

"Before the Quell, Gale and I weren't hiding our relationship anymore. We approached Peeta and his friends at his family's bakery. He and Gale looked at each other, laughed, and Gale said, why hide it now? We're screwed anyway…" Johanna laughs approving Gale's logic. "Peeta actually laughed at his logic too and I remember feeling uncomfortable with their friendliness towards each other. Ivy was there – and said, I couldn't agree more with a big smile as she stared at Peeta. He glared at her…" I close my eyes and I can see them, his reproachful look, wanting her to shut up obviously. I pull at my hair in frustration. I look at Johanna again and she's looks concerned. "Anyway go on – what was it that you didn't want to believe.?"

"Her father. Was he mutilated? He lost his tongue and thumbs?"

"Yes! He was – it turned out he was drug dealer, pushing drugs throughout Panem. He was an asshole. No one felt sorry for him. The whole town just figured that the mythical clandestine people of the forest came to collect and tried to kill him. Hell it could have been the Capitol themselves. I mean he was delivered to the Capitol as an Avox. What person from the District would do that…" It dawns on me that Johanna is staring at me wide-eyed and in horror. I close my eyes and inhale sharply and it hits me. "Peeta…" I whisper.

"He told me he did it – obviously to avenge her." Johanna confirms.

"Ivy's father had her attacked, he wanted to sell her. She defended herself and from what I heard she was beaten close to death. Her neighbor said that she was unrecognizable." I stop to think about this and what that must have meant to Peeta. "Oh! That happened after the blizzard! He had spent it with Madge –" I cover my face as I think about the series of events that Peeta dealt with in that short amount of time. "he must have been plagued with guilt." I say aloud and bitterly.

"He was." Is all Johanna can say. Wow, she also knows about Madge. I'm the last to know everything, like always but it's my fault. I don't want to be troubled by anything so I avoid life instead.

"I can't believe that he did that." I say.

"He did." Johanna and I jump and we see Haymitch standing at the doorway. "He thought of everything. He knew where he would be, he knew to cut out his tongue so that he wouldn't speak, and to cut off his thumbs so that he wouldn't write who did this to him." He laughs at this. "Peeta is a genius really because here's the kicker, he didn't need to cut off the thumbs because he knew that Ivy's father didn't know how to read or write. He did it to divert any suspicion, he planted the drugs himself. They belonged to Ivy's father but he made it easy to put all the pieces together for the peacekeepers." He nods. "He did out of spite and pay back."

I feel furious hearing him say this. "Did you know about him and her?" I ask resentfully.

"No." He stares at me. He walks in and closes the door behind him. "You two need to be more careful I heard your entire conversation." He looks back at me thoughtfully. "Sweetheart – I didn't know. He kept it very well hidden. She would come by mostly with Silas, Nathan, and Delly. Sometimes she was over by herself, but no more than the other individual visits he would get." He stays silent and it's obvious he's thinking long and hard. He begins to laugh. "Before the Victory Tour, I stormed into his house to talk to him about the tour. The two of them were in the kitchen and I thought it was odd that they were standing rather stiffly and awkwardly. It occurred to me that maybe he should be careful about the company he keeps. Her being a pretty girl and all and he was only sixteen at the time…" I sigh feeling annoyed. "Yes sweetheart – I warned you both over and over again about hormones."

"Please don't joke right now Haymitch because I will scratch your eyes out." I say feeling out of breath.

"Sorry. Anyway, I reproached him about her visits because she was around too often." He nods with a cynical smile. "He played me beautifully. When she was attacked by her father and those four men, I knew she was one of his good friends so as soon as I heard I went looking for him, I didn't find him, so I headed to the hospital myself. When I saw her… I felt sick. I knew it would be hard for Peeta and his friends. But when he showed up, he was crazed, he didn't want to hear me. When I asked him to leave, he actually attacked me. He was more affected then the rest of his friends… I just didn't think. He was also furious when I told him that the star-crossed lover charade would likely have to go on forever. He flipped out and threw a vase, he was furious…"

I cut him off again. "Of course he was – he wanted to marry her!" I scream at him. I can't control my tears anymore. I sob and I can't compose myself. "All the while you were ready to bite my head off for hunting in the woods with Gale." I stand up and start pacing because the rage is boiling now. "And Snow! He threatened to kill me, my sister, my mother, and Gale and Peeta over one kiss! Yet there was Peeta, next door, screwing his serious girlfriend, a girl with whom he was planning an entire future. And me? All the while I was too paralyzed out of fear that it hurt to even breathe! All while feeling torn up over him! Do you remember when he lost it on Tour in District 11 after we told him about Snow threatening me."

"Katniss" Haymitch tries to interject but I don't let him.

"No Haymitch!" I say defensively.

"That was different."

"No! How? How!? Can you say that? Lives were on the line in that situation!"

Johanna cuts me off this time. "And Ivy's life was on the line in his situation! Don't you get it… I get that you're hurt and feel betrayed, I would too. But it was his life Katniss, and so far in the grand scheme of things there has been very little consideration for his life. It was smart of him to hide her. I'm sorry but he was right to keep this from you Haymitch or you for that matter." She looks in my direction. "Sorry, but it's the truth."

"Thanks" Haymitch mumbles.

"Plus, he outsmarted Snow, that was the goal, deceive him and he succeeded." Johanna looks me over thoughtfully.

"And the hell with everyone else right…" I respond to her and with that I feel all the fight in me leave me. I suddenly hate Haymitch and Johanna again. I climb into bed and pull the covers over my head, I want to pretend they're not here. I reach for my bottle of morphling and take more pills to numb my broken heart.


	19. Chapter 19

**Gale**

The next day President Coin calls an emergency meeting in light of the turn of events. She orders Haymitch, Johanna, Finnick, Gale, Plutarch, and Dr. John Thrive to join the meeting. Finnick shows up at Johanna's hospital room to take her to the meeting. The moment Finnick sees Johanna, he realizes that he will be dealing with a lose canyon. She's furious.

"Johanna…" He begins his cautionary tale but she interrupts him.

"Don't. I know what you're going to say and believe me I will keep it together. But, she knows what I did and what Ivy did. Our cards are on the table. I will feign ignorance and total innocence." She says sweetly in her most demure voice.

"Good luck with that." Finnick says to her as they walk down the halls together.

She just laughs. They arrive to a conference room and everyone just looks at each other.

"I think we know why we're all here." She announces coolly.

"Johanna.." Finnick says warningly.

"Because once again, Peeta freaked out and tried to kill himself and so here we are." Gale announces.

Johanna's eyes grow wide and Finnick reaches out to grab her hand in anticipation her outburst. She looks at him and he eyes her knowingly. "Keep it together and let it go." Finnick insists.

She looks back at Gale since Gale did not miss her anger and he's looking at her, she notices that he almost seems to be challenging her. This only infuriates her more but she takes a deep breath.

"What's your name?" She asks, even though she already knows who he is.

"Gale Hawthorne." He stares coldly at her. She looks him over, studying him, and she quickly comes to the conclusion that he hates her. He hates her because Johanna genuinely wanted Katniss dead. She smiles at him seductively and looks him over again. He finds himself feeling unnerved by her response, it's not what he was expecting. Finnick notices how she's looking at him and it only makes him squirm in his chair. He knows her and she knows that she's getting ready to pounce.

She turns her attention to John. "Good morning doctor." She smiles sweetly at her.

"Good morning Johanna. Did you eat this morning?"

"I did doctor, I did. How's Peeta? Did he sleep?"

He smiles. "I'm sure we'll be discussing him in this meeting. He's fine, well he's still sleeping. He'll likely be out all day. As we all saw, he had a serious crisis yesterday but I've never felt more positive about his prospects."

"Is that so doctor?" Coin asks as she walks in. They all stand up, except Johanna who is a little behind. So she takes her sweet time standing up. Finnick glares at her.

"Sorry President. I wasn't getting started without you. Johanna was simply inquiring about Peeta."

"It's all right John. Please sit down, all of you, sit." She looks at Johanna as she has barely stood up and she happily plops back down on her chair. "By all means continue."

John nods and smiles. "He's doing fine. As you know from my notes President, he's been severely depressed for weeks. His suicide attempt didn't surprise me, which is why he was under suicide watch. I am sorry that we were not able to keep him from injuring himself. We failed, and I take full responsibility for that."

"John I know that you've done your best and you will continue to do your best. I stopped by to see him this morning, from the observation room and I can't believe he attempted suicide yesterday. He looked so peaceful. I anticipated that you would feel guilty and I want to remind you that you have done amazing work with him. Think back on his physical condition when he first arrived. I thought of that today because I realize how much healthier he is. Further, how hard he's working to get better. Further, John, you're his primary health physician. You are not his psychiatrist."

John is taken aback by her considerate words. He doesn't know what to think because he knows for a fact now, that she was keeping important people away from Peeta and his medical team. John is perceptive and goes along with her version. "Thank you President. I still feel responsible."

She smiles tightly. "Well – how did we uncover these friends of his? Where did they come from?" As if she were surprised by the turn of events. Haymitch and Johanna stare at each other and Johanna presses her mouth to her fist, to remind herself that she cannot lash out.

She's unable to hold back her laughter and Haymitch looks at her concerned, so does Finnick. "Serendipity, a series of coincidences that turned into a happy event." She sounds upbeat. "I made my way to be with Peeta, my usual nightly regiment. I also knew how depressed he was and I wanted to see him. Luck would have it that the medical student volunteer assigned to me that night was Ivy, Peeta's good friend from District 12. I mean how was she to know that she would get stuck with me that night?" She looks around the room with a beaming smile. "I mean, good thing she showed up when she did. He was about to slash his own throat or bleed to death." She still sounds upbeat but then she switches to a sad melodramatic tone. "I felt so powerless seeing him like that." She smiles again. "But Ivy ran right in. Peeta recognized her instantly. And bam! Just like that he felt better." She smiles at Coin.

"It's my understanding that a handful of other friends made their way to this secluded area. How did that happen?" She asks suspiciously.

John answers her. "Ivy informed me that Peeta has other friends in 13. Considering his crisis and his positive response to Ivy, I had them located and brought to see Peeta. It helped him tremendously."

Coin stares at the table. "Who are they?"

Boggs answers her this time. "I happen to know two of them actually, not personally. Silas and Nathan. They are rebels from 12 and they enlisted in our military Alma. I've seen their paperwork and progress reports, they are a great asset to us." He smiles proudly. "One of them, Silas is incredibly smart, he's the only soldier this year that qualified to complete both military training while pursuing medicine. He's even excelling at that"

John smiles proudly. "Yes he is, the only other person doing better than him in our medical school is Ivy. They're both exemplary to District 13, we're lucky to have them."

Alma smiles tightly. "I'm so happy to hear that."

John continues. "Yes, then there's Delly. Peeta told me himself that she's like a sister to him. Up until he was reaped for the 74th Hunger Games, they spend every day together."

"Did her family survive?" Coin asks.

"No, Delly told Peeta that neither of their families survived."

"Well – now they have each other. I'm so glad they found each other." She takes a moment to herself then looks around. "We're going to have to figure out how they went unnoticed. Peeta needed them desperately." She looks around the room and looks at them in a way that tells everyone that they are supposed to let bygones be bygones.

Finnick eyes Johanna carefully and he notices her tightly clenched jaw.

"Well what could have been a tragic day turned into something very positive and exciting. I have no doubt that Peeta will only get better." Coin adds.

Gale unexpectedly interrupts her. "President Coin, I don't understand why we are having an emergency meeting surrounding Peeta?"

Johanna eyes him again, without a doubt he hates Peeta too.

"He's very important to our mission. He refused to take a central role like Katniss, our Mockingjay, but we can't forget that he has a strong effect on people. He single handedly triggered a riot in the Capitol the night before the Quell." Finnick and Johanna are shocked, they had no idea, and they can't contain their smiles. Coin notices their expression. "Yes, he did. Peeta is remarkably smart and clever. Plus the country loves him. More importantly he has swore allegiance to the rebels and wants nothing more than to take down Snow. Johanna you heard him yourself." Johanna genuinely smiles at her.

"Well now that he has his friends with him, he'll make that much more progress." Johanna says innocently.

"Right." Coin states.

John interjects. "I have made significant progress with the medicine the Capitol was administering to control his violent and delusional trances. To keep the scientific and technical part out of the meeting, it's not a cure but I'm looking at very effective treatment. I will start administering as soon as he passes his next psychiatric evaluation. Yesterday's suicide attempt was a huge step back but now that he has a strong support group, I'm actually very hopeful."

"How soon can he start military training?" Coin asks him.

John jumps a little. "Alma, it's still too soon to tell."

"I'd like him to start soon, this month." She replies.

"It's too soon." Haymitch interjects.

"I disagree Haymitch." Coin presses again. "He insists on being physically active why can't he at least join the physical military training. I'm sure he'd welcome the challenge as testament to his progress."

John looks a little disheartened. He must know that there is no way he'll be able to stop this. He smiles. "Yes, I suppose you're right. We can ease him into military through the physical training. Plus, he's actually very social, he misses being around people."

"Can I begin with him? I can help should anything get out of hand?" Johanna offers. "Besides, John, isn't it time I started my training. I just lay around a hospital bed all day talking to head doctors. I lie to them all day long. I want to do something useful." John laughs at her remark.

"I think that's a great idea Johanna." Coin agrees with her.

"I don't know how fair that will be to other soldiers. Peeta is weak for so many reasons – in the Games he survived because of Katniss, how can he survive war? Have we considered that maybe military shouldn't even be an option for him?" Gale interjects.

Finnick, Haymitch, and especially Johanna are shocked to hear him say this. Finnick looks at Johanna again. For Johanna, this is the last straw.

"Who the fuck are you again?" She asks loudly. Everyone jumps again because her voice is merciless.

"Johanna.." Finnick says pleadingly and reaches to gently hold her hand but she pulls it away. He cringes in anticipation of her verbal attack.

"I already told you, I'm Gale Hawthorne."

"Oh yes. Now I remember. You're Katniss's cousin." Then she dismissively looks away from him and looks at Coin. "Well, Alma, I'm on board with your decision. Peeta will be a great asset, not to mention me." She smiles confidently at Coin. And with that she manages to seize Gale's comment from existence.

Gale is furious, his pride gets the better of him. "I'm not her cousin." He interrupts. Haymitch covers his face in frustration.

"No one gives a fuck!" Johanna screams at him as she stands up from her chair. Everyone jumps.

"Johanna stop it." Finnick warns her but Johanna doesn't stop.

"You know who especially doesn't give a fuck – Katniss." She mercilessly shouts at him.

"Johanna, Gale, Finnick – the three of you are dismissed. We have other matters to attend to." Coin announces, indifferent to the confrontation between the two.

"Thank you." Finnick tells her and stands up pulling Johanna with him. Her eyes are still on Gale. HE pushes her out the door and makes sure he stands between them. Once they're in the hallway. Gale protests.

"You have a lot of nerve to talk to me like that, to talk like that in front of Coin."

"Gale just drop it." Finnick warns him.

Johanna laughs and Finnick already starts to hold her back. "You know Hawthorne, I've had my eye on you in these meetings, in the military meetings, I watch you walking down the halls with Coin. Why the fuck are you even in these meetings?"

"Clearly the ones in charge think I'm an asset to their operations." He says smugly.

Johanna laughs again. "Now I see it. There it is." She laughs again and both Finnick and Gale look at each other uncomfortably. "You know who you remind me of – the Careers." Finnick glares at her. "Come one Finnick, look at him. He is Coin's ideal rebel prototype." She walks towards him, looking at him up and down, and finally looks into his eyes. "I see that you are hungry to get out there and kill like an animal, just like those bastards, the Careers."

"You don't know anything about me." Gale interjects.

"I know as much as I need to; I know the type, quite well, intimately well." She looks at Finnick again and he resentfully looks back at her. Johanna ignores his look and turns her attention back to Gale. "Tell me Gale, at your Reapings, did you secretly wish to hear your name called. Did you secretly desire to get out to that damn arena and show the Capitol what you could do? The Capitol kills your father in those damn mines, so you had to feed your family, you're bitter, cynical, and hateful and you'd gladly make innocent children pay for it. It's written all over your face – just like a Career." Gale looks wounded by her words. "You know who else knows that for a fact, deep down inside, probably won't admit it – Katniss. Can you imagine what would have happened had Gale been reaped during the 74th Games along with Katniss?" She asks turning her attention to Finnick and he just stares at her. "I think your first victim would have been Katniss. You're a monster."

Gale is speechless and he decides to walk away from her but she grabs his arm and pulls herself towards him. "Peeta is going to join the trainings regardless of what anyone wants. So help me, if you do anything against him I will gladly kill you and I promise no one will ever find the pieces of your body." Gale shudders because it's like he's looking at Thread as he dragged him to the pole ready to kill him, he knows this is a real threat, by a Victor no less. He has no doubt that she has the ability to do what she says and she is insane enough to go through with it. He pulls away, wholeheartedly feeling in danger and he walks away.

"Gale" Finnick calls out to him and Gale turns around to look at him. "Don't be so stupid as to underestimate Peeta. You're jealous and jealousy makes people do stupid things. For your own good just leave him alone because I promise you – you will not have to worry about Johanna. Peeta will finish you off before she can get her hands on you."

Gale moves on to his next appointment for the day. He's scheduled to undergo a physical exam with the rest of his training cohort. He enters the large training center and heads to the table following with instructions. He begins to stand in the lines that will take up half of his day, he looks at his schedule again to confirm. He takes a deep breath and can still hear Johanna's nasty accusations in his head. They were right, he acted like a jealous immature boy. He's no longer the capable Seam brat that strutted around District 12, proudly looking down at everyone, Seam or Merchant alike, knowing that he was better. More importantly, Peeta is no longer the kind, harmless, wholesome Baker's son. He's a trained killer and he's psychotic.

As he waits in line, he starts to daydream about the woods above. He then hears a lot of murmuring among his fellow soldiers. He turns around and looks at three guys standing next to him murmuring about the gorgeous medical student present today. They've never seen her before. Gale looks around and wonders whom it could be. Up ahead, he sees Ivy, standing and holding a clipboard taking down information from each solider. He smiles when he sees her. He saw her the night before and he doesn't doubt for a second that she didn't see him. Plus, he was admittedly distracted himself, wondering if he was actually going to see Peeta finally off himself. Also, he was admittedly very curious over Katniss's reaction to Ivy, she was finally going to find out about them.

He can't help but chuckle at hearing these District 13 soldiers. You'd think they never a saw a girl before. He looks at her again from afar he realizes again, the she's no longer just a girl. She's a young woman, definitely more beautiful than before. He makes note of the changes she's undergone. She looks a bit taller, leaner, and the lines of her face look even more regal. It's finally his turn and she looks up at him, she's all business and it takes her a second to register that it's Gale. She inhales sharply and genuinely smiles at him. He smiles back at her.

"It's not enough that you had outshine every girl in 12, you have to beam in 13 too?" He greets her with their usual old banter.

She laughs. "Hawthorne." She smiles and nods disapprovingly at his comment. "Don't start flirting with me." She says playfully.

Gale smiles at her. "It's good to see you."

She looks at him and nods. "Funny how I find you now, I tried looking for you for an entire year."

"To get to Peeta I presume?" Gale asks and she nods yes.

"Anyway, let's get your paperwork filled out."

After she finishes his paperwork they are alerted to gather and have lunch.

"Join me, I'd love to catch up." Gale tells her. She smiles and accompanies him to the food line. They sit down across from each other and look at each other. They start to laugh simultaneously.

"It's weird right?" He tells her and she nods yes. "I only ever traded with you, never actually ate with you."

She laughs again. "Gale, there's something I always wanted to confirm."

He eyes her curiously. "What is it?"

"You would come by to trade meat with me, and I always wondered why. You traded plenty with my father. One day, you insisted I take birds from you. You practically begged me after your flirtatious persuasions didn't work. Further, you would trade for little to nothing – I felt like I was swindling you. Anyway, I went home to cook birds I got from you and I saw what you had given my father. And it finally hit me, you were giving him the absolute of your stock weren't you?

He stares at her nervously and tries to suppress his laugh.

"You can tell me, I know no one liked him. I hated him."

"Yeah, I'd give him the worst meat whenever he sought me out to buy or trade for meat. However, I knew you'd be home and I felt bad so I would always tried to make sure you had something decent at home. I felt bad."

She tries to suppress her laugh and covers her mouth. "Real nice Hawthorne, good, I wanted to make sure you were looking out for me."

"As opposed to what?" Gale asks.

She eyes him with her usual calm demeanor. "As opposed to you merely trying to get in my pants."

Gale laughs aloud and others around them look at them. She laughs too. "Wow – me big man, bring you meat, give me sex woman?" He says to her in an overly deep voice and it makes her laugh again. "Not my style." He confirms.

"Well see, now I'm touched. You were just making sure that I had decent food in my house." They laugh again.

"I'm sure you weren't the only one thinking that around your street. Here they saw a dirty Seam boy trying to get something from the pretty merchant girl."

She laughs. "Oh please, I'm sure the Seam people were murmuring among themselves, probably thinking that one of their best was about to get tangled up with the town whore." Gale is startled to hear her say this and she laughs even more. "I heard people talk."

"Yeah – well I remember the town talking when you got your little hands on good wholesome Peeta."

She laughs triumphantly. "Me too."

"I remember that you basically took everyone on and basically told all of them to fuck off. I was proud of you girl."

She smiles at him. "Thank you."

He looks her over and it hits him that up until now she was just another deceased District 12 resident. They weren't close, they weren't even friends, they just shared this easy harmless flirtatious banter when he would trade with her. It hits him that he's happy that she made it.

She sees him staring at her. "What?"

"I'm just thinking that up until now I thought you were dead. I hadn't even thought of you. And here you are. It's good to see you." He tells her.

She smiles at him. "Like I said, I made real efforts to try to find you but Coin's people were making you unreachable."

"To keep you from Peeta." Gale finishes her sentiment and she nods yes. "Speaking of, how did it go yesterday, you didn't see me but I was in the room when you stormed in."

She stares at him in disbelief. "I didn't see you." She exclaims.

He laughs again. "Of course you didn't. So – how was it?"

Her usual calm demeanor changes and it's as if she melts a little, her eyes even water. "It was everything that I wanted. I wanted it to mean something to him, that I had an effect on him, that I made a difference to him…that I mattered." Gale is enthralled by what she's saying because he knows exactly what she means.

"I saw." He says softly. "You sure did, you had an effect on him. The scene turned from a horror show to something beautiful, and you did that."

She smiles sweetly at him then her smile fades away. "How's Katniss?"

Gale is surprised to hear her ask about her. "She's having a hard time. It was very hard on her to see him hurt himself. Further, that she can't do anything to help him. But…" HE stops for a second and wonder if it's a good idea to tell her, if she doesn't know already.

"But what?" She asks.

"I think the biggest blow was her finding out that Peeta had a private life that had nothing to do with her. That Peeta had loving feelings for someone else. That pretty much knocked the wind out of her." Gale admits to her.

Ivy stares at him thoughtfully. "I never bought that, how is it possible that she didn't know about me and Peeta."

Gale laughs. "Oh it's possible – if it has nothing to do with her or Prim, it doesn't exist."

"Really Gale, that's how you explain it? Try…" But she stops short. "Never mind, she's your friend or whatever."

"Go ahead, say it."

Gale doesn't have to ask twice. "Katniss has a serious case of having her head up her own ass."

He starts laughing mercilessly. "I love her but you're right."

'Speaking of, how are you two doing?" She asks.

Gale looks at her and he realizes that she's asking about his once existing romantic relationship to Katniss. "There's nothing there Ivy. I can't be there when she thinks and dreams of someone else day in and day out. Besides, what I once thought was something very one-sided turned out not to be."

"What do you mean?" Ivy asks.

"Ivy come on – you saw the Quell. You saw how they were acting." He laughs at what he just said. "Do you hear me, acting…" he laughs again. "You saw their closeness, that was not an act anymore. That night on the beach?" He eyes her knowingly and Ivy actually looks away from him, clearly in denial. "There's a lot more there then they lead on."

"No there was something there. Peeta loved her, and it was unrequited. All they share is a horrific traumatizing past. From what Johanna tells me, Peeta wants nothing to do with it and he certainly doesn't love her anymore." She says sternly.

"You still want him?" I ask her.

She's surprised to hear him say this. "He's my future Gale. I don't care how long it takes, I'm devoted to him. I get that we're not picking up where we left off, but that's a good thing. He was torn back then. He's becoming whole again, and I'm going to be there."

Gale realizes that it's time to continue on with his schedule but he turns back to her. "Well Ivy, you certainly deserve the best. I certainly hope Peeta gets better and knows to value what he can have with you and only you." He stands up and looks back at her. "He better recuperate fast, he has a lot of competition around here, District 13 hasn't seen anyone like you before." He flatters her again in their familiar banter and she smiles at him. He turns around and leaves.

"Gale!" She calls out to him and he turns around again. "I know you volunteered to go help save him from the Capitol. I'm glad you were there, that someone from 12 was there… Thank you."

He nods and smiles at her. He turns around and leaves.


	20. Chapter 20

**Katniss**

The doctor finally gave me a clean bill of health and I can go to the extended mission Coin promised. It couldn't happen at a better time. I want to be as far away from Peeta as possible. I didn't think I could feel worse than when he arrived from the Capitol – tortured and damaged. My discovery of Ivy has left me feeling betrayed, bitter, and it shattered the beautiful light that I believed I shared with him. Then I feel guilty for resenting him after everything he endured. It's too much to process and get over. So I choose to run away from it, I don't care if I'm considered a coward, I dare anyone to walk in my shoes. I have to save the small amount of sanity left in me.

I'm jolted out of my thoughts when the hovercraft bolts out of 13. I look around and look at my fellow soldiers and I see Gale sitting across from me, staring at me with concern in his eyes. I feel my stomach turn in remorse for him. On top of everything, there's that, my never ending remorse for him. I hate that I feel like that, but no more than he does. It's amazing how I was closer to him than anybody, he knew my every thought. I think to the day he almost died after the whipping – I thought my heart would die. My body hurts just thinking about it. After that day, I truly believed that he was mine and I was his. There was no confusion and I finally decided to give into that feeling. But it couldn't stay that simple – there was that unyielding fire that I felt for Peeta every time he was near me. I feel chills just remembering. Why couldn't Gale be everything to me, it would be so much easier. To be fair, my mind was constantly clouded those days. Stress, fear, suspicion always plagued me and Gale. I could never let go of all my insecurities out of fear.

I suddenly remember the conversation I had with Peeta the night before the Quell. I was trying to explain how special he was to me and why what I felt for him was different then Gale. How I tried to explain that he made everything in my life more vibrant, something Gale couldn't do - through no fault of his own. I feel tears pierce my eyes so I look down at my lap to hide my tears. I couldn't find the word for it, I refused to see that it was love. Peeta was convinced that I was in love with Gale. I remember how he wanted me to promise that I would live, that I would let myself love and be loved, and let passion into my life. To let go and allow myself to experience intimacy with Gale because if I allowed it, I would wonder how I went on so long without him. What if he's right? I love Gale I know that, yes it's different then Peeta, but that's not his fault. I've never allowed myself to fully immerse myself to the idea of us. I look back up at him and I genuinely smile. I actually startle him, he wasn't expecting a smile from me. He mouths the words – _Hey Catnip_. I smile at him again. I begin to feel nervous and agitated so I take out my bottle of morphling and take two pills. I look up again and Gale frowns at me.

"I'm getting a migraine." I lie to him. His frown leaves him but he looks me over. It's amazing how my body begins to relax the moment it enters my system. I close my eyes and breathe. I start to go over my thoughts again and I think of Gale. I have to try – I have to allow myself to recover. Peeta is alive, he's not in the Capitol anymore, he's being treated, and he has his friends and Ivy. Why am I still refusing to live my life, to get back to it, yes it involves a revolution but it also includes family, friends, and Gale. I have to let go. I think to my pathetic attempts to escape my heartbreak and mourning by having casual sex with random soldiers that reminded me of Peeta. Always under the influence of drugs, despair, and heartbreak. How futile it always turned out, it always reminded me of how different it was – how it felt nothing like it did with Peeta. I open my eyes and look at Gale. He's having a conversation with the soldier sitting next to him. I quietly observe his handsome face and I can't help but smile. How much he has changed, he has only become more handsome with time. I look down at his hands and remember how captivated I was by them when he would set up snares in the woods. I allow myself to think about how his hands would feel over my body, I actually feel like I'm blushing. I smile again and I look away. Without anyone looking I take two more morphling pills. I close my eyes and I can't get the idea of him touching me out of my head. I push myself to revel in the idea of it. I'm now consumed by the idea of seducing him.

I don't know when I passed out, well to everyone else I fell asleep in the long ride to District 7. I feel someone shaking me and I groggily open my eyes. I still feel the effects of the morphling but I will need more. I see Gale in front of me. My mind rushes to the thoughts I was having of him before I fell asleep. I stare at his face and I force myself to focus. I bring my hand to his face and I trace his strong jaw line. I then run my thumb across his lower lip. He looks a little taken aback by my attention.

"Hey Catnip. We're here. You're going to be the last one off the plane. I open my eyes and look around. I see that everyone is gone.

"I'm sorry. I was so tired."

"Hmm – yeah. It's those damn pills Katniss." He reproaches me and he gets a frown on his face but I don't want him to lose his soft expression.

I straighten up and swiftly move my hand to cover his mouth so that he doesn't lecture me. I purposely lean my body into him and I guide him to stand up with me. He's now towering over me as I'm pressed to him. "Don't Gale. Let's not do that." I stare deeply into his eyes. "I don't want to fight." I say softly to him. It's true, something about him sets me off, and lately one word from him sets me on a frenzy and we end up fighting and storming out on each other. I smile sweetly and I walk away from our proximity. I feel a nice breeze before I step outside and I can hear Gale behind me. As I exit the hovercraft I'm paralyzed by the view. We landed on a landing strip that was built into a cliff, but it also overlooks a forest, a beautiful thick dense forest. Of course, District 7. I feel Gale take my hand. I look back at him and like me, he's speechless. I know our hearts are aching with nostalgia. Gale is so affected that I'm the one that ends up pulling him down the steps. For the rest of the afternoon we don't let go of each other's hands.

Boggs is kind enough to let us hunt so that we can bring more meat for our dinners. My day couldn't possibly get any better. It does, I run into some people I met before and I get my hands on ecstasy. I take more morphling, it's amazing, I feel like I'm in a good mood and actually happy yet I'm still going for my morphling. When Gale and I make it into the forest, it's just like old times. The feeling is beautiful. I actually feel like I can forget about everything. After we take out close to ten large birds I find myself staring at him as he prepares the game. Once again I'm mesmerized by his hands.

He notices. "What?"

"How can I stay here forever, with you?"

He smiles at me a real smile full of genuine happiness. "After the war, after we win, we can come back here."

I smile at the thought. I sit next to him and help him finish off the rest of the game. We head back to camp and hand over the game to the kitchen staff. I enter the required meetings to go over strategies. I meet with my camera crew so that they explain the propo plan for this District. I feel anxious again and I have to take more morphling to stop my body from shaking. When it's dinner time I find Gale and sit next to him. I quickly realize that I hate the conversation I walked into. Gale is going on and on about how excited he is to actually apply his snares to military intelligence. I quickly think of large quantities of animals I would see in the woods in 12, rabbits and birds hanging dead along lines between trees. My mind flashes to the images of people, children, hanging in those snares instead.

"Gale that's disgusting." I protest.

Then he coolly looks at me and finishes chewing his food. "It's war Katniss."

"You don't know what you're saying." As I say this I think of the spear that impaled Rue. I close my eyes again and shake the thought from my head. But now I'm angry.

"I know exactly what I'm saying and what I'm doing." He sternly tells me. We stare at each other, facing off really. I knew it. We can't have a conversation without fighting.

"You're disgusting." I stand up and walk out of the dining room. I walk outside and I feel my head spinning because I'm seeing the dead tributes faces flash in my mind, one by one. I start to walk towards the woods and I can hear running behind me. I look back and it's Gale.

"Get away from me Gale." I order him.

"I'm not going to do that and you shouldn't go in there by yourself." He pulls me by my elbow and I free myself from his grasp. I glare at him.

"You have no idea what it means to take someone's life, even when it's self-defense Gale… I'm disgusted with myself when I think about how I plotted to kill people."

"You had to…"

"Exactly – that made it worse. I guess we have to now but it's still different. We are fighting for a greater good as the outcome, whereas the Games were entertainment – a sport.

"You said it Katniss, this is different…"

I interrupt him "Then stop talking about like it's a game!" I shout in his face. "Like using a snare, your snares, that helped feed your family, can easily be altered to kill people." I stare at him and he coldly stares at me. "Don't do that." I walk away from him and walk into the woods. I can hear his breathing behind me. I know that he followed me. I start to take deep breaths I want the morphling to kick in to take away this newfound tension. I stop walking and lean against a tree. I turn to look at Gale. He doesn't say anything he is just keeping me company, I wonder if Boggs assigned him to keep an eye on me. Gale looks around, he observes the trees around us, and reaches for the grass. He sits on a boulder in front of me. I look at the sky and the light continues to dim. I close my eyes and inhale deeply. I love the smell of the trees, the woods. I keep my eyes closed and I reach for my lose hair and quickly braid it to feel the wind against my neck.

I'm startled by the feel of Gale's hand gently gracing my neck. I didn't hear him walk towards me, of course I didn't. My eyes fly open at the feel of him and I stare at him wide eyed. He's focused on my neck and he tilts my head back so that he can see it closely. I remember that he's looking at the bruises that are still there, the ones Peeta left imprinted on my neck. The thought brings tears to my eyes and I close my eyes in hopes of pushing them back.

"Don't cry… please don't." Gale whispers softly to me as he gently wraps his hands around my neck. He holds it gently and gently graces his fingers against my neck. The sensation is soothing and comforting exact opposite of Peeta's last touch. I would have given anything to have Peeta hold me like this. I suddenly hate myself for thinking about him when on the plane ride here I was flirting with the idea of seducing Gale. I'm hopeless. I'm startled from my inner turmoil when I feel his lips kiss my neck. It actually takes my breath away. I do my best to focus on him again, to allow myself to feel the proximity of Gale's body against mine. I begin to feel nervous so I reach into my pocket without him noticing. I take one of the ecstasy pills and take it. I begin to take deep breaths. He pulls back a little and presses his mouth to mine. The feeling of his mouth crashing into mine is exquisite. He kisses me hard and I respond in kind. I remind myself over and over again to push Peeta out of my mind. I don't think Gale has ever kissed me like this before but it's probably because I'm more relaxed and I'm allowing it. I allow his hands to wonder my body and I revel in it because the effect of ecstasy is finally kicking in. I have to admit I feel very aroused by looking at his hands run over me, I like how they can switch from urgent strong hands to gentle intricate touches. He runs his hands down my shoulder towards my chest as he stares down on me. He then goes for the buttons and starts to undo them cautiously as if I may stop all of this in a sudden move. I stare at him, daring him to continue. I can tell it's only turning him on. He then leans down to wrap his arms around my waist to lift me off the ground. He maneuvers his hands to my legs and wraps them around his waist and presses me to the tree. I'm suddenly hit with a flashback of Peeta ripping the Mockinjay dress off my body and desperately wrapping me around him. I try desperately to drown the memory of him but because of the drugs I can't. I force myself to focus on Gale and thanks to the ecstasy every touch feels enhanced. I feel his lips on my breasts and I focus on the sensation of his hot breath against my skin. His lips come back to my lips and now I desperately kiss him. I finally feel like I'm drowning in his hungry hard kiss. We go on like this for some time because by the time we pull apart I can see that it's dark, further I feel the full effect of the morphling and ecstasy. He presses his forehead into mine and breathes heavily.

"Katniss…" He takes more deep breaths. He smiles. "I have to pull back otherwise we may not stop…" He lets the idea linger.

"Let's not." I whisper to him. He's shocked and he pulls back to look me in the eye. To confirm that I really said this. I smile at him. "I don't want you to stop." I button my shirt back up and take his hand and lead him back to camp. I lead him towards my cabin, perks of being the Mockinjay, I get my own quarters.

The moment I close the door to my compartment we crash against each other. I have to admit that I feel a ton of pent up frustration that has built between us over the years boil over. I crave to release it all and I know he feels the same way. Our touches are increasingly becoming harder and aggressive even and we both look all too happy about it. Once again, I have a flash back of Peeta ripping that damn dress off me. The hunger in his eyes… I close my eyes and I can see his blue eyes clearly. I open my eyes and Gale has me laying back on my bed now, I'm completely naked. I close my eyes and I see Peeta's face again. This time, when I open my eyes the world is a whirlwind. I'm high – too high. I start to recite Gale's name in my head to focus on him and as I feel him penetrate me I'm completely consumed by the drugs. Darkness fogs my mind instead, the only thing at the end of the darkness is the image of Peeta and the feeling of him moving against my body, making me feel more alive than ever. Like always I allow myself to give into that beautiful hallucination that makes me relive that moment.

I then feel my shoulder shaking and I'm forced to open my eyes.

"Peeta?" I ask feeling hopeful.

"Katniss, Katniss, Katniss – damn it." I realize that it's Gale and I open my eyes. He's hovering over me, shaking my face and looking into my eyes.

I try to stay composed and hide my state of mind. "Are you finished?" I ask him gently as I caress his cheek. I don't really register the disdain in his eyes.

He stands up and puts on his pants and quickly picks up his shirt and puts it on. He looks back at me furiously. "Yeah – I'm done." He turns around and slams the door behind him.

Oh no, what did I do. I need to get up and get to him and explain that everything was wonderful but I can't get my numb legs to respond. I begin to laugh instead. The door opens again.

"Katniss?" I hear a voice.

"Gale?" I ask feeling hopeful. Then I see that it's Finnick.

"Are you okay?" He asks. He looks at my eyes and I can't focus on his beautiful green eyes. I see that he takes a blanket and covers me. He then brings me water to drink until I pass out.

 **Gale**

The joy that fills Gale's heart the moment he penetrates her is unexpected. The smile that spreads across his face has been a long time coming. How long did he dream of this moment – he can't say. He shudders at the sensation of her warmth, the sensation of her body beneath him as he thrusts over her. He smiles warmly as he hears her moan softly with her eyes closed.

"Are you comfortable Katniss? I'm not hurting you am I?" But she doesn't respond. He brings his hand up her face and he kisses her and he realizes that she doesn't kiss him back. He stops completely and he stares at her. Gale is startled by Katniss's unresponsiveness. She looks as though she were sleeping beneath him.

"Katniss, Katniss…" He pulls out of her immediately and calls to her again. "Katniss, Katniss, Katniss." His voice elevates and he shakes her desperately.

Her only response is a soft smile followed by one phrase. "Peeta?"

Everything comes crashing down around Gale. The rage that surges from him is overwhelming. She finally opens her eyes and he notices her inability to focus her eyes, they're practically rolling to the back of her head. He leans into her and notices that her pupils are dilated, clearly unresponsive to the light around her. She's high, she's not present. He jumps off the bed and feels tears rolling down his face. He picks up her pants from the ground and searches the pockets, he finds her morphling prescription. He throws the bottle against the wall. But he knows that there is more than that. He then grabs her shirt and searches the pockets. He finds a small bag of smaller pills, he instantly recognizes them, ecstasy. He turns to see her again and he goes to sit next to her again.

"Katniss, Katniss –" He calls to her desperately and he realizes that he doesn't know what to say or ask. He looks at the girl he believes to be destined to, and he feels disgusted by her and his love for her. She opens her eyes again and manages to focus on him. She reaches out and places her hand on his face and he feels paralyzed.

"Are you finished?" She asks.

For the first time he feels hatred towards her. He stands up and puts on his pants briskly and he pulls his shirt on. "Yeah – I'm done." He says bitterly. He turns around and slams the door behind him. He is raging mad. He doesn't even see Finnick straight ahead of him until he slams into him.

"Wow – hey" Finnick gently places his hands on his shoulders. He notices that Gale is shaking and his eyes are red, clearly fighting back tears. "Are you okay?" Gale finally registers Finnick and stares at him.

"No!" He slams the bag of pills into Finnick's chest. "I'm done – I am so done!" He pulls back from him and storms off.

He calls after Gale. "Hey! What's wrong, what happened?!"

Gale hears him calling behind him but he's too mad and humiliated to explain. He can't go back to his shared compartment and sit around with his fellow soldiers. He can't look at anyone right now. He walks into the woods instead. He doesn't wonder too far, he just needs to feel surrounded by the comfort and privacy of trees and nature. When he stops he finally realizes that he's cold and that he's shaking, neither of which have anything to do with the weather. He feels something trembling deep within his chest and he wonders if it's his heart. He starts to breathe deeply and every time he inhales, it burns his chest. Finally, he falls to his knees and a loud sob escapes him. He allows himself to cry, to mourn, to feel the total heartbreak that doesn't seem to stop. He thinks back at the past year and half and he cries. He thinks of the suffocating claustrophobia from 13 he's constantly fighting against, his biggest fear was being underground and in 13 he has to fight it all the time, and he finally allow himself to feel it. He allows himself to have the heartbreaking release of mourning tears for everything that was lost, for everything that wasn't, and for his total disappointment in Katniss.

He's startled when he sees lightening from brewing storm clouds in the distance. The deafening thunder finally reaches him and he's mesmerized by how the storming clouds devour the starry sky above him. It makes him sad. He sees the flash of lightening again and it reminds him of the firebombs. He closes his eyes and sees them hitting Madge's house. "Madge." He whispers her name aloud. "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you…" Soft tears take over again. He wonders why it was so easy to walk away from her when he obviously felt strongly about her and why he can't get himself to rip Katniss out of his heart after all this time, after all the frustration, and all the disappointment. He begins to remember the first time he made love to Madge in the woods back in 12. He remembers how nervous she was to enter the woods with him. He thinks back to how cold he was acting towards her, his brute mannerisms towards her, all in attempt to shield his loyalty to Katniss from his growing feelings towards Madge. He remembers her nervously talking about everything and nothing in order to fill the silence of the woods. He remembers that day, tracking for hours that finally led to that cabin next to a lake. He walked in and just expected her to follow. She did, nervously.

He remembers how he aggressively and briskly reached for her, pulling him towards his body. How his desire for her took over and how he would hungrily indulged in her. To his surprise, she was full of passion, for him and only him. He was even more amazed that she was able to tame and subdue his urgency with her gentler touches and kisses. Making him melt in her hand. Every time they were together, it happened the same way, he urgently rushing their love making but her ability to tone down the pace and to soothe him, to turn him from a brute to a gentle lover. He remembers allowing himself to indulge in her after their lovemaking. He remembers how she would straddle him and rest her head over his shoulder. How he loved running his hand through her pale blonde locks of hair that would fan itself over his chest.

Was he expecting that same sweetness between him and Katniss? Yes, he was, he was expecting so much more. Why wouldn't he, Katniss is the girl he's supposed to marry one day, their bond was unbreakable, it's all he has known since he was 13 years old. He feels succumbed by rage the moment he remembers Katniss asking for Peeta while in his arms. Then he remembers Madge and the thought of her being with Peeta makes him shake with rage all over again. Of all the people in town, why did Madge have to turn to Peeta. He remembers how he felt when her father told him that Madge had stayed with Peeta during the blizzard. He remember that his heart sank and he felt like he would be sick. The idea of her merely bonding with someone unsettled him and so he stormed off to find her. Katniss ended up running into him at Victor's Village and he was forced to swallow his jealousy. When they walked into Peeta's house calling out to them, he felt nervous. He remembers what he saw next, the way in which Peeta and Madge crashed through the kitchen door. The proximity of their bodies, the way his hand rested on her waist, the way her hand clutched on to his chest, and more importantly the desire in their eyes. He knew what had happened between them right away. He was paralyzed by blinding rage and jealousy. Then her pale blue eyes turned in his direction and she met Gale's blazing gray Seam eyes. Her startled scream actually released some of the pent up anger he himself was feeling. As badly as he felt that day, it doesn't compare to the way Katniss made him feel tonight.

* * *

 **Katniss**

I wake up with a killer headache. I look around and see Finnick sleeping, sitting up, against the headboard. Just then, Finnick opens his eyes and he looks at me. I look at myself and realize that I'm completely naked. I grab my head and think and I regrettably remember everything that happened the night before.

"Gale." I whisper. I remember everything, including being too far gone in my drug induced stupor. I may have even passed out in his arms. He was definitely inside of me. I feel sick to my stomach and I feel the acid rise rapidly up my esophagus. I jump over Finnick's legs and hurl. My dinner, bile, and pills.

"Agh – shit Katniss." Finnick protests. "I'm getting sick of this. You took way too much last night, I was hoping giving you water would make you purge but no – you always have to have it your way."

"I need to find Gale." I say to him as I stand up and look around for my clothes.

"I saw him running out of here like a bat out of hell last night. What you do sweetheart?"

I glare at him when he calls me this. I find my shirt and I pull it over my head. Then I find my underwear. "Did he say anything to you?" I ask. He nods no and then grabs my little bag containing ecstasy. I lunge for it but he jumps out of the bed before I can grab them.

"He was fuming mad and he said he was so done – I'm assuming with you – and he pressed this little bag into my chest." He nods disapprovingly at me. I hear him say this and I sit on the edge of the bed feeling defeated. I cradle my head in my hands.

"Shit." I feel panicked and I see myself shaking because I'm very much afraid of losing him completely.

"Did you have sex with him?"

"No." I say. "Yes!" I stand up and pull on my messy braid out of frustration.

"Want to explain…" Finnick urges me.

"I found myself swept up in the idea of seducing him.." Before I even finish, Finnick closes his eyes in disapproval. "Everything was going wonderful until I guess I took too much, morphling, I think."

"You took morphling in addition to ecstasy?!" He yells at me.

I close my eyes and I know I don't have to answer. "Like I said it was going great, so good.." I say feeling frustrated. "But the drugs started to kick in and I was confused, I couldn't get Peeta out of my head. I passed out…"

"Enough said." Finnick tells me. "Ouch – Katniss that is fucking harsh."

I stare at him feeling panicked. "I have to go find him." I pull on my pants and I'm about to run out the door when he grabs my arm.

"Are you insane!? Trust me give him space. You two are now going to have to be in close proximity for the next six months. I am going to strongly advise that you do two things. One give him space. Then when he's ready and only when he's ready you let him talk to you and let him say whatever the hell he wants and you say nothing. You understand." I stare at him wide eyed nodding and holding on to his every word because I need to believe we can get past this. "Go shower and get ready." I nod and head to the shower.

After I'm ready Finnick and I walk towards the eating area. My eyes nervously survey the room looking for him. Just then I spot him and he's walking with some of his fellow soldiers. He spots me and he actually turns red upon seeing me. He's about to walk past me and I can't contain myself.

'Gale." I grab his arm.

Finnick interjects. "Katniss – what did I say…"

Gale roughly pushes me away. "Don't, Don't!" He glares violently at me and I shrink back a little. Finnick just stands there covering his mouth in disbelief as he looks at me.

"Gale I'm sorry." I say again. He only looks more furious and storms out of the room.

"Damn it Katniss! I tell you to do one thing…" Finnick protests and I stare at him but I'm too distracted so I run out of the room after Gale. I hear Finnick behind me. "Two things – I tell you to do two things!" He yells after me.

I follow Gale into the woods. I don't care if he's furious, if he wants to lash out let him, I just want to get past this. I catch up with him. "Gale."

"Damn you!" He furiously turns around and faces off with me.

I nod. "Go ahead say it."

He stares at me in disbelief and I actually see hatred too. "I hate you!" He screams at my face and it hurts to actually hear him say it.

So I pitifully respond without thinking. "I don't want to lose you Gale."

He looks away from me and pulls at his hair. Then he screams in frustration. I stand there waiting for him to lash out again, I can take it, I'll take anything as long as I don't lose him. He then turns to me, grabs my face and forces a rough painful kiss on me. He sucks hard on my lips and I try to kiss him back to soothe him to subdue him. I'll do anything, I feel desperate. But his kiss is too rough and then he actually bites my bottom lip, painfully hard, and I can taste my blood. I try to pull away but he doesn't let go. Instead he kisses me harder. Then he pushes me away. I grab my mouth.

"You hurt me, so bad." He tells me breathlessly.

"Gale I'm sorry…" I begin to say.

"He then grabs my shirt by my collar and pulls me towards him again. "You called me by his name last night!" I cringe when I hear this. I don't remember that. "Do you know how long I waited to have you in my arms like that – and you needed drugs to be with me.. Damn you…" He tugs at me again.

I desperately clutch at his hands. "Gale.." I want to explain but I'm not sure how I can make this better. "I wanted you, I did I swear it. I took too much…"

He interrupts me. "Were you two lovers, was that real?"

I stare at him because it hurts me too much to remember and to admit it but I owe him the entire truth. "Yes." I whimper to him. He pushes me away roughly.

"I fucking hate him!" He screams into the air. I hate that I can't stand the idea of anyone hating Peeta. I actually feel defensive.

"No, Gale. You hate me." I say to him.

He glares at me. "Damn straight I hate you!" He walks back towards me and grabs my arms. "When did it begin? Were you cheating on me? Because I saw the two of you in your house when you broke your damn foot. You were sitting on the couch and pining for him, I could see it."

I just stare at him and I don't know what to say. I decide to get this over with so I just put it all out there. "We had sex before the Quell, in the Capitol."

He looks as if though I've stabbed him and I guess I did stab him in the back. I swallow hard. He lets go of my arms to rub his face with his hands and his eyes are steel now.

"How many times?" He asks.

I stare at him in disbelief. "Why is it important?"

"Answer the question you little coward!"

I feel furious now and I know I should just let him have this but how do I fight my pride. "I lost count. It was two nights and we made love again and again. The night before the Arena, I didn't even get sleep. We were insatiable. I was so sore but I couldn't stop myself because each climax made it all worthwhile and I honestly felt like I couldn't get enough of him." He stares at me wild-eyed and I'm shocked by my own crassness. Why can't I be gentle, instead I'm defensive and I'm hitting back now. I'm cruel and I hate myself for it. I start to taste the metallic taste of my blood in my mouth and it only makes me more angry. I might as well have shot an arrow at him, his eyes certainly look like that of a wounded animal.

"You bitch!"

I get more angry again. "You asked and you're not letting it go."

"Was he your first?"

"Yes."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"Very much." He keeps taking small steps back every time I answer.

"Have there been others? I've heard rumor…" But I don't let him finish.

"Yes there have been others." I admit.

"Why?"

"Because I was hoping that the combination of drugs and random men would help me keep my mind off the fact that he was held captive in the Capitol, tortured, or dead"

"Did it help?!"

"No."

"Why ? How was he different? "

"He's sweeter!"

He just stares at me. "During the Quell…" His voice is calm and even now. "you two were supposed to be keeping watch at the beach. I couldn't believe how you let go of all your inhibitions"

I close my eyes because I remember exactly, I'm haunted by the consuming desire that I felt for Peeta in the face of danger. A desire I haven't been able to quench, and like everything else associated to Peeta, it just hurts now.

He continues. "There was a whole different dimension to the two of you – it was painfully obvious to everyone."

"It was intimacy." I mutter under my breath. Damn it, shut up Katniss – I scream in my head.

"What?!"

"What you saw, it was intimacy." I clarify, and I know I should just shut the hell up but of all days and occasions, today I can't keep my mouth shut.

"Fuck you Katniss! Look I'm assigned to work with you for the next six months. I'll be battling it out there and accompanying you on your stupid propos as a guard – don't fucking ask me for more." He storms off.

I stand there taking deep breaths and I realize that I'm shaking. I search my pockets for my morphling but I left it in my room. I curse under my breath. I suck on the gash on my bottom lip and collect as much blood as possible and spit it out.

I hear a long whistle. I turn around and I see Finnick. "I told you to give him space and let him talk when he was ready. That was rough. You called him by Peeta's name? Total faux pa in the bedroom babe."

I glare at him. "How often do you fuck up Annie and Johanna's names?"

He drops his smirk. "I may be the only friendly face you see the next six months. Remember that." I nod and walk past him back to the camp.

After a long day of meetings and training. I make it back to my room with Finnick. We sit around and he talks to me about a whole lot of nonsense when the door creeps open. I turn around and it's Gale at the doorway. I can't believe he's back, he can't possibly be back for more and frankly I think I'm more afraid to hear what I have coming. He speaks before I have a chance to apologize, beg for mercy, or say anything else for that matter.

"The night before the quell, Peeta's interview. He said you were pregnant. That wasn't real obviously but…"

I feel my blood grow cold and I feel the stabbing pain in my womb all over again. My eyes instantly fill with tears and I have to grab my stomach. He stops talking after observing me. If he wanted to hit back, he just knocked me out.

He continues. "You were pregnant, that mystery procedure they did in 13 weeks after you arrived? Were you pregnant?"

"Yes." I sob and the tears start to fall.

He looks haunted. "Did you have an abortion?"

"I had a miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant." I sob again and I take a deep breath. "I lost Peeta's baby." I cry softly trying to keep my composure.

Gale looks pitifully at me. "Did you want the baby?"

"No." I reply again and it hurts to say it out loud. I begin to cry and he stares coolly at me. He turns around and gently closes the door behind him. I start to sob uncontrollably and Finnick embraces me.

"It's okay Katniss. It's over now."

I end up crying myself to sleep.

The next morning I wake up with a headache, red and close to swollen shut eyes. I walk to my training station with Finnick. I see Gale shooting arrows hitting every target. I'm assigned at his station, of course. I approach him. He turns to me and I see his eyes. Red, almost swollen shut, just like mine. Had I more tears left I'd cry all over again. He nods at me.

"Ready?" He hands me my bow. I nod and take it from him.


	21. Chapter 21

It's been three months since I was reunited with my friends and the results have been astonishing. My physical health and my mental health have improved immensely. Plus, thanks to Johanna, my sleeping partner, I'm getting more and more sleep. She usually didn't seek me out every night but she has as of late. I know exactly why but I don't dare ask her. She climbs into my bed again and she seals herself to my side. She then runs her hand underneath my shirt and she starts to run her hands throughout my torso.

"Wow Peeta, you're putting on more weight. I don't feel your bones anymore." She runs her fingers along my ribs. She smiles provocatively. "And you're adding muscles again."

Normally I would laugh at her banter but lately my body has been responsive to other needs, meaning I'm actually starting to miss sex. After the torture I endured in the Capitol, the last thing I wanted was to feel anybody's hands on me, except Annie and Johanna of course. But that was because our soothing touches were the only remedy we had to our grueling torture. There was absolutely nothing sexual about it. So, when I feel Johanna begin to run her hands throughout my torso I yank them away.

She smiles knowingly. "What?" She giggles.

"Don't do that." I laugh.

"What's the matter, am I making you uncomfortable?" She proceeds to lay on top off me and the feel of her body on top of mine makes me feel like my whole body is flushing. I begin to feel warm instantly and I'm certain that I'm blushing. She begins to laugh again.

"You are relentless." I say as I try to pull her to my side again but she stays put.

"Do you remember when I stripped in front of you at the Quell? I took off my stupid tree dress."

I laugh because I have no memory of that. "No. When did you that?"

"It was the first time we met. All the other Victors were trying to embarrass you and Katniss, her more. But you had my undivided attention. So I wanted to test just how innocent you were, I figured I could unnerve a seventeen year old boy by stripping."

I try so hard to remember but I don't remember a thing. It's strange how I perceive the Quell now. It's only flashes of random memories, faces, places, objects, none of which tell me anything. I just know that I knew Johanna from then and then of course I remember mostly everything from my imprisonment. I remember the bond to Johanna and Annie. These bonds make me feel like they've been with me always. "How did I do?" I ask genuinely curious.

"You held it together Peeta, you didn't even break a sweat, unlike now." She stops to wink at me and I feel more uncomfortable. The thought of Johanna naked now only excites me more and I can't control my growing erection, which she undoubtedly feels and it only makes her smile smugly. "This is exactly the reaction I wanted to get out of you." She tells me in a calm and serious tone. Then I see a certain look in her eye. It's not a playful look, it's serious. I panic because she's relentless and I don't know how far she will take this. I never know when she's going to cross a line of playfulness and teasing to seriousness. As much as my body is responding, I'm not ready for sex and I'm terrified that my physical need will take over my better judgment. Especially with Johanna, I'm not going to cross that line with her. So I use the only ammunition I have at my disposal.

"Don't think I haven't noticed why you've been coming to sleep with me every night – I know Finnick left on an extended mission. Annie told me he'd be gone for six months." I stare at her seriously. Thankfully, it works, her eyes look wounded, and she stares off into the distance. Then she looks at me again and smiles only now she gets off me and lays next to me. I take a deep breath of relief and close my eyes.

"Interesting, last time you unnerved me by throwing Finnick in my face." She tells me thoughtfully. "Do you remember that?"

"No."

She then turns on her side and presses her head onto my chest again, the familiar feeling I'm much more comfortable with. "Is Ivy okay with our sleeping arrangement?"

I think about this because she's obviously inferring that Ivy could be jealous but I have no idea how she feels about me or where I stand with her. "I don't know." I say. "I don't know that she knows, if she cares or would care?"

"You're not considering picking up where you guys left off?" She asks.

I laugh. "I hope not because if we did, I'm pretty sure she'd punch me out after what I did to her." I nod remembering my broken promise, volunteering for the Quell. "I doubt I can go back to that. Besides – she's doing great – and I'm a mess. I don't want to disturb her. She's my friend and I'm lucky to even have that from her after what I did."

"What about you? You're avoiding talking about Finnick." I press on. "I'm worried about you."

"I miss him. And that's all I have to say about that."

"That's it?"

"Yes."

We lay there quietly and sleep begins to take over. I close my eyes and I can hear Johanna's steady breathing as well as feel it against my chest. It's soothing. Suddenly I feel her fingers tapping on my chest and I realize that she's tapping to the rhythm of my heart. I open my eyes and observe her hand and for some reason it makes my heart speed up. I close my eyes again and a flash of Katniss crosses my mind. I open my eyes again and look around. I stare at Johanna's fingers again, she's still tapping. I close my eyes and I see Katniss again. I force my eyes to stay closed so that I can make sense of the image, the memory. We're in a bed and Katniss is pressed against my side, her hand on my chest tapping the rhythm of my heartbeat as I played with her braid in my hand. I can hear a train, the Victory Tour train. I open my eyes again. I realize that was a flash back. I look at Johanna and she's fast asleep now.

I take deep breaths. Come on I can do this. I say to myself. I think back to the flashback I just had. What was the context, the Victory Tour. I take deep breaths and relax, just like my psychiatrist advised me. I think back to the sensation of Johanna's fingers tapping on my chest and it hits me the full memory. I can see it all play out clearly, not only that I can feel everything that went with that moment, only now this isn't the train. I can see Katniss talking to me with a gentle smile.

 _"And I want to make you happy." She says. I'm not sure what she meant by this. "What would make you happy?" she asked._

 _I smiled at her and said "To spend every possible moment of the rest of my life with you." My words took her breath away, I could see it. She smiles at me and pulls me towards her as she opened her bedroom door._

 _"Well then – come on in." and she pulled me into her bedroom._

 _We rushed to her bed and we climbed in. I remember feeling that sharing a bed with her was a comforting necessity that allowed us to find shelter from our traumatizing nightmares, and the suffocating pain left to us by the Games. The moment she found my body she wrapped herself with me and warmth began to radiate, and instead of setting us into a calm slumber it woke us up. I could tell she was awake because her fingers kept tapping the rhythm of my heart beat against my chest, the way Johanna was tapping, probably setting off these flashbacks. I tried to soothe myself into sleep by running my hand in circles across her back but instead of soothing me, I remember feeling a friction building between my fingers and her body and how impossibly good it felt, like waves of electricity that radiated from my fingertips to the rest of my being. She stopped tapping her fingers and instead began to run her hand across my chest, and that only intensified the friction between us. Through my shirt, she began to outline the lines of my defined torso, she began the trail on my chest and then ran the trail down to my abdomen over and over again. We stayed like this for hours until sleep finally consumed us, I remember that I was fighting it in order to keep feeling a building tension that left me with a piercing pleasurable unfulfilled desire._

I can't go back to that. I won't. Then sleep takes over as I hold on to Johanna tightly.

The next morning we are woken up by John.

"Sweet dreams you two?" He asks brightly.

Johanna sits up and glares at him. "I hate that you're so chipper this early in the morning." She tells him. He shoots her a dashing smile again which inevitably pulls a smile out of Johanna.

"Peeta, I have good news." He tells me and I'm surprised.

"Wow this early in the morning?"

He laughs. "Yes, you passed your last mental health evaluation, except for your psychosis."

"Why does that count against me, I literally have no control over it."

He laughs again. "Exactly, your psychosis does not count against you. You passed the other evaluations and I think we have a promising treatment, based on that syringe you gave me when we rescued you. The preliminary tests have been good and we are ready to administer it to you, it will be safe. At best, we will reduce your psychosis considerably, maybe all together…"

"At worse?" I ask.

"At worse, it doesn't work, and we continue with other forms of therapy." He tells me.

I look worried when he tells me this and he reaches out and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Peeta – without medication you accomplished so much. You're so strong, you have so much will… since you reconnected with your friends, you've covered so much ground." I feel sad hearing him say this but I still muster a smile, I know he works so hard to help me. He continues. "Regardless of the outcome of this treatment Peeta I think you're healthy enough to move out of the hospital."

This brings on a real smile. "Really?" Johanna smiles and squeezes my hand.

"Yes." Then his smile leaves him. "It's my understanding that you agreed to join the rebels?" he inquires.

"That's true. Will I begin my training?" And I'm genuinely anxious to do this. He eyes me suspiciously but he smiles again.

"You will – however, if you don't feel ready I will build a case against you joining now. I mean, Lieutenant Boggs suggested that you at least begin the physical training…"

"That's great! I've been anxious to do more exercises you know that."

He smiles. "I know you have, and I'm worried about that too. Peeta you have a distorted body image of yourself." He stops to look me over. "When you are in your compartment, you will be required to make numerous weekly appointments here. Also, if at any point you feel overwhelmed by being out there, in District 13 you come right back here to decompress. You get me?" He's very serious.

I stare at him because I don't know how I feel about this.

"Peeta, you need to be honest with yourself and know this, if you are out there and you feel like it's too much you willingly coming here for a few days will not be a step back. If anything, it will show me and your doctors that you can make good judgments, more proof of progress."

I look at him again and I feel reassured. I nod at him. "Where will I live?"

He smiles at me. "You'll have roommates."

I eye him curiously. "Who."

"Hey buddy!" I look towards the door and see Nathan standing in the doorway.

"No way!" I say in disbelief. I look at John and he nods yes. I smile at my friend.

Nathan strolls in. "How often did we dream about you, me, and Silas living together?" I laugh at the thought.

"I don't know Nathan that conversation only happened when we were under the influence of alcohol or other substances. Never once sober." We both start laughing

"Who's your cute friend Peeta?" Johanna inquires. Nathan beamingly smiles at her and John rolls his eyes at her.

"Oh, John don't be jealous. I have a preference for the tall, dark, and handsome types." She winks at him and he shoots her an amused look and nods his head.

"Peeta let's meet in an hour and we can do the first round of medicine. I'm really hopeful about this." He smiles at me and walks away.

I look at Johanna who is eyeing Nathan as if she was going to have him for breakfast. "Jo, this is Nathan."

"Hi Jo." He tells her.

"Oh no, only Peeta gets away with calling me Jo, maybe Annie but she's too far gone to register my threats. To you I'm Johanna."

"Sorry." He says nervously.

"Don't mind her abrasiveness; she's not angry this is just her personality." I say to him. I look at him for a second. "Nathan, are you sure you want me to live with you, Silas too?" I say seriously.

He looks stunned to hear me say this. "Are you kidding me?"

"I'm serious. To say I have issues is a huge understatement."

"Peeta – I don't care. Silas and I don't care. We want you with us. Dr. Thrive already sat down with us and went over the risks." He laughs. "Let me tell you he left out a lot of stuff, but he wouldn't know that stuff since he doesn't know you like we do. We want you with us. Peeta we are all we have. You're our brother.." He stops and looks at me for a second. "Do I really need to go on."

"Nathan, I want you to consider this. I am not the Peeta you had before. Not the one before the 74th Games, not even the Peeta after the games!" Nathan starts to pace looking frustrated. I eye him curiously. "That says a lot. That Peeta is gone…"

He cuts me off. "Damn it Peeta don't you think I know that, we know that?"

"Nathan, I'm trying really hard to get him back…"

He cuts me off again. "Get who back?! You're here, this is you now. We know that, we accept that."

I'm speechless to hear him say this.

"This, you, we want him, we want this Peeta." He grabs my shoulders and shakes me a little. "Let me tell you something else, Me, Silas, Ivy, Delly – we are not the people you left. We're figuring it out too. I get that what you went through…" And he stops talking because I see the pain in his eyes. "The fact that you're here, breathing – is all that matters. You need us, and we need you." We stare at each other.

"Well then, you and this Silas, better be okay with me crashing the nights in your compartment because – Peeta and I are sleeping buddies." Johanna adds and both Nathan and I look at her and laugh. "I won't make Silas uncomfortable will I?" Nathan and I look at each other wide eyed. Silas and Johanna in the same room. We start laughing uncontrollably.

"What?" She asks annoyed.

I look at her. "Our compartment." I look at Nathan and he nods approvingly. "Is going to get really inappropriate." I say and Nathan and I start laughing again. She looks annoyingly at the two of us and jumps out of bed.

"I hate inside jokes." She announces and leaves without saying another word. Nathan and I laugh again.


	22. Chapter 22

me laugh more. She ignores me and presses her head against my chest and goes to sleep as do I.

I've been spending more time with my friends and I would have never imagined feeling this great again. My days are filled with more structure and things to do that it makes me feel better. I can socialize too. I even join other people in the dining area. The idea of waking up in the morning with the prospect of not staring at padded walls is incredibly uplifting. At John's request, I stay in that damn observation room one night a week. It's amazing how it's become so oppressive and John is pleased that the room did not become a crutch for me. I laughed at him when he suggested it, who would willingly become dependent to that room. His response was – no one in their right mind. We both laughed.

I am now well on my way to completing my education requirements. I take great pride and joy in learning. For one, I now know my mind still works, it can retain information, and I'm genuinely fascinated in learning so many new things. One of my favorite places has become the District's library. I can't read enough. Losing myself in pages of books makes me feel like I'm living in the real world and not underground. I've also begun to paint again, and I know it has to do with my reading. I love illustrating passages I read about. John couldn't be more pleased, although no more than me when I see my talent in intact.

Nobody is more pleased about my new found passion for reading than Delly. Since she's studying to be a teacher, she gets access to the library more often than the rest of us. She has been recommending books that we love to discuss. I often go to see her at her compartment, which she cohabitates with Ivy, for further tutoring. Sitting here on the floor of her bedroom makes me feel nostalgic and happy all at once.

We sit around the floor and I lay on the floor with my head resting on her lap. She's quizzing me and I answer her questions. When I finish she eyes me curiously.

"What?" I ask her.

She runs her hand through my beard. "I can't get used to the beard."

I smile nervously. "I trim it."

She smiles. "You look handsome with it, very handsome. Have you heard the girls talking about you?"

I laugh at the thought but I notice that she's serious. "No way! I'm a lunatic, what's charming about that?!"

"To them you're a tortured revolutionary." She tells me seriously.

"I am never going to understand women." I laugh at the thought. Then I stop and look up at her. She's changed so much. She lost a lot of weight, District 13 restrictions I'm sure, her face has also matured, she looks like a woman now, all traces of a young girl are gone. She's beautiful.

"What?" She tells me.

"I'm thinking about my beard and how much we've changed. We all look like we've aged."

"Well, after everything that we went through…" We nod as we let the thought linger over our heads.

"You look great." I tell her. She smiles at me. "Your blonde hair is a soft brown now."

"So is yours and you look more handsome now Peeta." She tells me seriously. "You look so healthy again, since you moved in with Silas and Nathan your mind is just sharper."

"Well that also has a lot to do with my treatment counteracting the poison in my brain." I nod in disgust just at the thought of what they did to me.

"You're going to be okay Peeta. I know it." She bends down and kisses my forehead. Then she laughs. "Do you remember when our parents would joke that we would marry?" She asks.

I laugh as I remember our fathers talking about this a we played and wrestled around them. We couldn't have been more than five. "Yeah. If they wanted that to happen they shouldn't have allowed to spend every day together, you were my sister by the age of six."

She laughs. "Six, try five." We both laugh.

I sigh deeply at the thought of our families. "Delly… I wish our families would have made it." I close my eyes and I can see their faces, even my mother. "I shoudn't have put all that space between us.

That year after the Games, I should have reached out more. My brothers, Delly, at least them. They still had their whole lives ahead of them."

"Peeta there was no way to foresee what happened. You also can't ignore the reality of your home life." She pauses and looks at me cautiously, I give her a soft look which signals her to continue, whatever it is I can take from her. "Peeta – I lived next door to you – your mother, was as bad as you thought, only worse."

I stare at her. "I realize that she hated my dad, I just wish she wouldn't have taken it out on us. I wonder what changed, what set her off to begin with. I once heard them fighting and my dad was reproaching her, telling her that she knew he was in love with someone else. As if that made it okay. Was she supposed to put up with his indifference, lack of passion, intimacy, romance, who knows what else…"

"I used to think that once I grew up I would understand the decisions made by adults but I still don't get it. Look whatever the issues were in your house, your mother had no right to take it out on you, violently. She had no right to take her love away. Peeta, you had every reason to put space between them. You offered your brothers your home, your dad, and after everything your mother did to you, you didn't owe her anything. "

"What about you, how are you doing?" I ask her.

Tears start to run down her cheeks and I reach up and wipe them off her face. I love that she has no problems putting her feelings out there, I learned that from her. "I was a mess, Peeta. I'm surprised I didn't die from heart break. I don't know what I would have done without Ivy, Silas, and Nathan. I was so depressed, and so sick of being underground. Then I saw that you were alive and…" She stops and looks at me and reaches out to touch my face again. "well you know better than anyone what you went through. When I found out you were here, away from them, that's all that mattered. I was the only one not suffering from not being able to see you. I knew you were safe, I wasn't alone in this world anymore. I would wait forever. You're all the family I have left."

I grab her hand from my cheek and kiss it. "I love you." I say to her.

"I love you too."

Just then we hear people walk into the other room. I sit up, feeling a little startled.

"It's okay Peeta, it's just Ivy. Her medical student friends hold study groups. Tonight is her turn to host. I nod. I hear Silas' laughter and I feel more at ease.

"Can you believe it Silas a doctor?"

Delly laughs. "I can honestly say nothing about him surprises me anymore."

I laugh because she's right. I sit up and stand up. "I better get going. I'm tired today."

"How's military training going? I worry."

I smile at her. "It's okay. I'm happy to do it. Delly I believe in the cause, I have to see through to the end. Everyone is very nice." I smile at her and squeeze her hand to reassure her. "Now I better get going."

She nods and leads me out of her room. When I step outside my eyes immediately go to Ivy as she sits on the sofa. A young man is kneeling on the floor in front of her as she explains something on a book. The way he stares at her is amazing, he's hanging on to her every word, completely smitten. I feel something hot in the pit of my stomach.

"Peeta!" I hear Silas scream out my name.

Just then Ivy looks up urgently and finds my eyes looking at her, she ends up dropping her book. I see a beaming smile spread across her face. I smile back at her.

I look over at Silas and smile at my friend. "I was just heading back to our place." Then I realize that his and Ivy's colleagues are now all up on their feet, and they are all looking at me.

"I didn't know you were here." Silas says brightly. He looks at his colleagues and smiles since he notices they are all looking at me. "Peeta these are colleagues from school. They've been eager to meet you."

I'm surprised and I begin to feel self conscious. One of the young men comes up to me and sticks his hand out. "Peeta, it's an honor to meet you."

I extend my hand and shake it. "Thank you, what's your name?" I ask.

"Oh yes, I'm Steve." He smiles at me. "Thank you – you must realize that you saved all of our lives, here in 13."

I take a deep breath. "Oh, the bombs." I had completely forgotten.

"Yes." Steve smiles at me. "We don't have to go over it, but your bravery saved all of our lives. We know how much you did and what it could have caused you. Thank you."

"Thank you but it's not necessary. The way I see it there was no choice to make, there was only one thing to do, because it was the right thing to do." I smile at him and he seems speechless, they all do. "Well I'm going to get out of your way now. Silas I'll see you later." I tell them all and I look at Ivy one last time. I have that same hot sensation in the pit of my stomach again when I see her. I turn to Delly and I pull her towards me to kiss her forehead and I walk out.

When I make it back to my compartment, Nathan is not there. I then head towards the shower to clean up. I'm looking forward to relaxing and soothing my sore muscles under the shower. I'm actually excited about the book Delly loaned me. After I shower, I pat myself dry, and I look at myself in the mirror. I'm amazed at how different I look. I'm ecstatic that I don't look like I did when I was first brought here. That emaciated Peeta only appears in my nightmares now but sometimes when I look at myself I see him. I look at my body and while I am proud that I gained all my weight back and then some, including plenty of muscle nothing makes me feel safe from that haunting image of me, close to death. I look at my beard and wonder what I look like without out but I still can't stand the idea of a razor against my skin. Just then, I hear a knock on the door. I grab my towel and wrap it around my waist.

"Almost done I say." I open the door and I'm startled when I see her. "Ivy."

"Hey. Sorry to come unannounced." She stares at me and I see her eyes take me in, looking me over, and she smiles softly.

"It's okay."

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You kind of rushed out of there."

"Oh. I'm fine, I was actually about to leave before you and your friends arrived. "

"Oh." She stares at me for a second. "I thought they may have made you uncomfortable with their admiration. I know how you feel about the whole celebrity thing."

I smile at her. "It's okay. I mean it's weird but it wasn't bad."

We find ourselves staring at each other and that hot sensation in the pit of my stomach comes back. What the hell is that? I ask myself. We then laugh nervously. It's not lost on me that she and I have not spent any time alone since the day she found me. It's been months since that happened. I don't blame her, I'm lucky that she still cares about me and I don't dare push for more. We finally laugh nervously.

"What?" I ask.

"Your beard, I can't get used to it." She smiles.

"Oh, yeah, I hate it." I say to her, not sure that I mean it.

"You hate it - then why do you have it?" She laughs.

I don't know what to say, for some reason I feel uncomfortable telling people about my fear of razors after my stay at the Capitol. I just laugh nervously.

"Why don't you just shave."

"I don't know how to shave." I say honestly. For some reason I did not grow facial hair like my brothers did. "Between the Games and the anialation of District 12, my dad never got around to showing me how to. I mean it's not rocket science, I know that." I laugh but she doesn't.

"I can show you." She says smiling. This surprises me and she looks over my shoulder. "I see your roommates have the necessary equipment. Come on I can show you." She then puts her hands on my arms and pushes me gently back into the bathroom. I tense up and the idea of being shaved and I instinctively grab her hands and pull them off me. She's startled and I regret my reaction immediately.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Peeta. It's my fault." She tries to comfort me but now I feel completely embarrassed and I want to make this right. She reaches out and gently places her hand on my shoulder. "It's okay." She smiles at me, trying to reassure me.

But now I'm angry, at myself. I look at her in the eye and I see the expression on her face. It's caring and she's trying desperately to make it okay, it frustrates me more because I should make this better not her. "Fuck it. Come on let's do it. You can shave me."

She laughs. "Peeta you don't have to…"

"I insist. Please. Ivy I don't shave because they tortured me with razors." I blurt out the words.

She's startled and she stares at me wide eyed. I see her eyes pool with tears and her chin tremble but she wins her resolve and she swallows her pity and tears. She swallows. "Are you sure?"

I step back from her and walk over to the stool in the bathroom and sit down. "Yeah. Come on."

"I don't want to upset you what if you have an episode?" She asks me.

"I trust you – you would never hurt me. I know that, I always have." I tell her.

She nods and steps slowly into the bathroom. She then proceeds to prepare the shaving cream. She grabs a brush, that's supposed to be mine but never been used, and dips it into the cream. "I need to trim your beard first, really short, it's too long for me to use the razor."

"Go for it, I have no problem with the scissors." I say to her with a smile.

"Oh good." She says teasing.

She proceeds to trim my beard. I have to admit that her physical proximity to me is nice, very nice. I can smell her, I don't know what she uses but she always smells like lavender. There's no way it's perfume, she wouldn't access it here in 13. When she is done with the trimming she begins to lather up my beard with the brush. I have to say it actually feels soothing.

"That feels nice" I say.

She smiles. "Good. Do you know what I'm learning about Peeta? I'm learning about childbirth." She says. I look at her as she continues to lather up my beard.

"Really?"

"Yes. I think I may specialize in gynecology. I have to say I love the idea of bringing children into this world." I smile at her, the idea warms my heart.

"I always thought you could do whatever you put your mind to." I say sincerely and she meets my eyes with hers. She's so beautiful, I have to close my eyes and catch my breath. Only then do I realize that she has been using a razor on me. I squeeze my eyes shut and I breathe deeply. Ivy begins to tell me about the miracle of birth. I listen to her soft voice explain to me how delivery works. She tells me that she's never been more happy to be a woman because of what her body can do. She seems genuinely enthralled in the idea. I start to focus on what she's saying and I enjoy the tone in her voice. I even open my eyes to see how her face looks. The soft expression on her face takes my breath away. Then I focus on the feeling of her hands on my face and on my shoulder. The way she gently moves my head while soothing my nerves with her other hand on my shoulder. I'm so captivated by her presence and her mood that I forget all about the razor. Before I know it she's done.

"Almost." She says beaming. She warms a soft towel and brings it to face to dab away at the residual shaving cream. She pulls it away and smiles at me.

"Well?" I ask her.

She smiles softly. "wow." She says to me. I laugh at her reaction. I turn around and look at the mirror and I almost fall over.

"Oh wow." I don't recognize myself at all. My jaw is broader than I remember, my face has lines that I don't remember ever having, probably because even during the Quell, I still had round cheeks. I turn back around to face her and her smile is gone. She's looking at me as if she was seeing me for the first time. She then looks away and actually looks a little nervous. "Thank you." I say to her.

She looks at me and nods.

"Are they teaching you how to shave patients in medical school?" I ask her.

She laughs. "No. "

"How did you learn how to do that?"

She smiles sadly. "In District 12, I had a client that had a thing for being shaved."

My smile leaves me and for some reason I pull the towel and razor out of her hands and throw them in the sink. Without thinking I pull her into an embrace and to my delight she holds on to me tight. I close my eyes as I smell her hair. "I'm sorry." I say to her.

"Don't be, please don't be." She tells me. "I was happy to help you, you didn't freak out." She says, trying to lighten the mood but I can't laugh. The memory of those days for her, breaks my heart. She lets me hold her and I can feel her warm breath against my chest, she shifts her head, and I also notice the sensation of her lips against my shoulder. I gently go to hold her face and I cradle it in my hands and pull her back to kiss her forehead. She then brings her hands to my bare chest and pulls away a little, her eyes then study my torso. She gently eyes the scars left on my body and she gently stokes them and she continues to soothe these scars across my chest, down to my abdomen.

Is it possible that after all this time and everything I did to her she still feels something for me. I close my eyes at the sensation of her hands on my bare skin. As much as I would love to pursue this sensation I'm unprepared for it, I'm not ready to be intimate with anybody. I gently grab her hands, pull them towards my lips, and I kiss them gently. I stare into her eyes. But then I feel a pull towards her, I can't take my eyes off her lips and I have to admit that a part of me is still thrilled that I feel this for her, this passion that hasn't gone away. We jump when we hear the door close outside, followed by Nathan and Silas.

"I better get going." She says looking up at me. She presses her hand against my cheek. "You look great." She tells me.

"Really not too different?" I ask her.

"Peeta?!" I hear Silas calling me form the other room.

"Just a minute" I shout back.

"Your eyes are the same." She says softly and I finally realize that she's blushing. I can't help but look at her neck and her exposed chest, it's also a soft pink hue. She's blushing and I find it all so endearing. I'm surprised when I get the urge to kiss her neck and chest but of course I don't do it. "We should probably step outside now." She says nervously as she continues to hold on to my hands. She turns around and opens the door. We step outside and Silas and Nathan are startled to see us step out together.

Silas smiles big at her. "Hey gorgeous what are you doing?" He asks her.

"I was just leaving."

"Wow, you did quite the number on Peeta. Look at him." He says obviously referring to more than my new shaved look, I'm sure my body is as flushed as hers. "You look good man!"

"Good night." She glares at Silas as she steps out.

My nervous gaze follow Ivy as she leaves my compartment. Before she leaves she turns around to give me one last look and a warm smile. I smile back and she leaves.

"Nice, she gave you the good old last look before leaving. That's promising…" Silas tells me as he lays on the sofa. "By the way – wow, you're clean shaven."

I smile at him. "Thanks. Ivy did it."

"Was it a sensual shave?" Silas asks and Nathan laughs from the other room.

"Shut up. She helped me shave." I stop and think if I should explain the context, I decide I should. "There's a reason why I wasn't shaving, and it's not because the beard is awesome." I say to him. Nathan walks back into the room and sits on chair. "While I was held captive in the Capitol – one of the things they did was use razors… to torture me." I have to take a deep breath as I feel my heart beat faster. I look at Silas and his good humor is gone, it's replaced by a protective expression. He sits up and grabs my hand. I'm surprised that his touch actually calms me down a little. My breathing becomes steady. I swallow. "Anyway, I can't shave. I've been trimming with scissors. Ivy made a comment about my beard in passing and I blurted out that I actually want to know what I look like without it. She laughed and said that I should just shave then…" Nathan and Silas wince when I say this to them. "I had to explain after I kind of fucked up. I started to get nervous and she playfully grabbed me and I tensed up. I grabbed her wrists, hard. But I let go immediately. She tensed up a little and I knew I had to explain. I felt terrible and embarrassed - the last thing I want is for Ivy, of all people, to be scared of me."

"I have no doubt she understood." Nathan tells me.

"Of course she did." I start to pace around. "She's always forgiving and too kind to me. I don't deserve it. Anyway, I realized that I really want to overcome this fear and I trust Ivy completely. Plus I thought I would make up for my freak out moment." I than point to my face. "Voila – no beard."

They nod. I look at Silas and I can tell he's suppressing a smile and it's infectious. I'm already anticipating it from him. "What?" I ask him.

"Why are you in a towel?" Silas asks with a smirk.

"I was in the shower, Ivy showed up as I was finishing up." I say to him.

"When you two walked out, you two looked pretty flushed." She smiles again.

"Are you kidding me?" I say to him in amazement, he turns every scenario into that. "I had just showered, it gets hot in there. Nothing happened. Do you see what a mess I am? I'm not going to go there with anyone."

"Okay. She still wants you though, you should know that."

I stand there looking at him and I actually start to feel a little frustrated. "Silas… I hope for her sake, that she doesn't because I am a lot of trouble and I've hurt her enough. I'm not going to disrupt her life, because she deserves better, she can do better."

"Why don't you let her decide what's good for her." Silas tells me seriously, I can tell he's no longer playing.

I just stare at him. "Silas, how can you say that? How can you wish me on her?" I take a deep breath and look away from him. I look back at him. "Just drop it."

"Okay – I'm just saying, Ivy is amazing, smart, and do I need to point out that she's stunning..."

"You think I don't know that?" I say defensively.

"I know you do, and so do others."

For some reason this instantly makes me mad and it's because I feel protective of her and maybe even a little possessive. "What are you saying? Are you interested?"

He looks at me really surprised and it looks like he's going to start laughing but he sees my serious expression so he suppresses it. He covers his mouth in disbelief. "I'm not interested." He smiles at me. "I would just like to point out that you got jealous real quick. Maybe you should think about that." He adds and I glare at him. "Now – hear me out." He insists. "You're going through a lot and you wanting to shield Ivy from your recovery is reasonable. All I'm getting at is, do not disregard your feelings. You're supposed to be taking care of yourself and ignoring your feelings is counterproductive."

"He has a point." Nathan agrees with him.

I sit on the sofa and stare at Silas. "What has she said?" I ask him.

"About you? – hum nothing and everything." He looks at me and laughs. "Peeta you are it for her. She fell into a deep depression when she thought you were dead. When we found out you were alive, she came back to life, it didn't matter how much your condition deteriorated, all she needed to know was that you were alive. And now that you are here with us – what can I say we're a family. You, me, Nathan, Delly, and Ivy – we're a family, and she's thrilled."

"I get that, I feel it too but how do you know she still wants something more with me?"

He rolls his eyes at me looking exasperated "Damn it Peeta, this isn't Silas wants his mommy and daddy back together," he says mocking me. "I know her." He stares at me hoping that I catch on. He sighs. "There's an extra spring to her step since you're around, the way she looks at you, how she asks about you. She's waiting for you." He says to me with a smile. "All I'm saying is that next time she shaves you, maybe you should make a move." He says this last statement so casually that it makes Nathan and me laugh. He evaporated any tension in the air.

We're interrupted by a knock on the door. Silas gets up to get it. He gets to the door and it's Johanna. Nathan and I stare at each other because we realize that they haven't met yet. I look back in their direction and I already see it coming.

Silas stands in the doorway not really giving her an entrance and instead observes her, looks her over, assessing her. Johanna looks instantly annoyed. Nathan and I just sit back and wait to see what happens. I'm genuinely curious.

"Can I help you?" Silas finally asks.

"I doubt it." Johanna retorts. "Is Peeta here?"

"Who is looking for him?"

"Me." She looks really impatient. Silas just stays silent but I can see Johanna rolling her eyes at whatever face Silas is giving her. The possibilities are endless. "It's Johanna Mason." She finally tells him in an exasperated tone.

Silas finally moves out of the way. "Oh, why didn't you say that in the first place." Johanna storms in like she owns the place and as she walks past him as he looks her over and Johanna notices which makes her glare at him.

"Don't do that." She orders him.

He smirks at her. "Do what?"

"Well don't do that either."

"What?"

"That damn smirk, you look smug."

"Can't help you there, it's a permanent fixture." He says with a smirk.

"So you're smug, all the time."

He just nods and he's not shrinking back at all. Johanna just glares at him.

"Hey Jo, I'm waiting to see how long until you notice me?"

She turns to look at me, looking a little startled; she really didn't even see me. "Wow! Peeta your beard!" She runs to me and touches my face. "I'm going to miss it, I like how it feels against my skin when we sleep together." She says.

I notice Silas's beaming smile when he hears her say this, she notices too, and she glares at him again.

"Wow - I thought that the beard was hiding traces of that seventeen year old Peeta, but it wasn't. You look like a man through and through" She says. "Let's go to bed." She orders me and she grabs my hand and pulls me in the direction of my bedroom, I can't help but laugh.

"I thought you weren't ready for that Peeta?" Silas says to me in reference to Ivy. I give him a look and I pull the towel wrapped around my waist and throw it at his face.

He screams in disgust and pulls it off him. At the same time Johanna stares at me wide eyed.

"Stop it Jo, you've seen me naked before." I point out to her.

"You didn't look like this before!"

"He's not ready for that, Johanna." Silas screams at her and Nathan laughs hysterically.

I walk into my room with Johanna and quickly put on my sleeping pants. I realize that it's true Johanna hasn't seen me naked since the Capitol when we were both emaciated bodies, starving, and in too much pain hoping for the next day to come. For some reason I feel propriety kick in. I smile at her nervously and hope she doesn't pull anything on me. I'm not sure that I like how she's looking at me. She climbs into my bed and I join her.

"So what made you shave?"

I smile. "Ivy, did it actually."

She smiles at me. "Was it a sensual shave?" She asks and I lose it, I start laughing hysterically.

"What?"

"Silas asked me the exact same thing. You two…"

She stares at me for a second. "I don't like him." And this makes


	23. Chapter 23

The months go by and I continue to have ups and downs. It's mostly due to figuring out the right kind of medications. Mostly, I'm functional and I couldn't be happier. As instructed by John, when I feel our of sorts, I have the presence of mind to stay in the hospital and my old padded room, and I hate it. But I do it anyway. John insists that my showing good judgment is a continuous great sign of improvement.

Johanna and I make a point to visit Annie as much as possible since Finnick is away on this mission. She needs us desperately. I'm also thrilled that she gets to stay with me more often now that Finnick is gone. After all, since being in 13, Annie is always with Finnick, and part of my worst nightmares includes losing Annie. I often wake up from those night terrors desperately looking for Annie. At least, when I dream of Johanna being gone, I wake up and she's often there, and if she's not I can get up and go to her. Because of Annie's living situation with Finnick and their relationship, she's off limits. So, Johanna and I are too happy to have her with us. Our presence is helping her tremendously and we often sleep together, the three of us, just like we did in the Capitol.

Today, I wake up and to the sight of Finnick glaring at me. I close my eyes again and wonder if I'm dreaming. He's still supposed to be on a his mission or so I thought. Then I remember that he's due back, he's here, and I'm in his compartment that he shares with Annie. I'm in his bed sleeping with both Annie and Johanna. I can't help but feel amused. I open my eyes again, sit up, and smile at him.

"Eat your heart out." I say teasing and he doesn't find this funny, not in the least bit. I roll my eyes and nudge Annie. "Hey starfish, wake up." I sink my face into her hair to gently whisper in her ear. I can see Finnick observe us uncomfortably. "Look who's here."

She stirs a little and opens her eyes. She sits up and stares at Finnick. She jumps off the bed and flies into his arms. He smiles as he holds her. "Finnick!" She finally shrieks.

This startles Johanna out of her slumber. "Fuck!" She says aloud.

I look at her and laugh, it's funny I'm sure the sound of his name woke her up and fuck is her immediate response. This makes him look at her over Annie's shoulder and their eyes meet. I observe Johanna and I can tell she melts a little. She's clearly containing herself. I stand up and get out of bed.

"Welcome back Finnick."

"Hello Peeta." He looks me over. "You look great."

"Thanks." I smile.

"I see you still have the beard. It's a permanent thing then?" He asks.

I smile nervously and I grab my beard. "I don't know." I say. I don't care to explain to him that I can't stand the thought of a razor against my skin. Plus, I'm embarrassed that I haven't been able to take a razor to my face since Ivy shaved me. She hasn't offered to shave me again and I kind of avoid her so that I'm not in that close proximity to her. The thought is overwhelming for me. All I can do is trim it with scissors. I turn around as I feel Johanna grab my hand.

"I like the beard on you." She smiles reassuringly at me. "Plus, it feels nice against my skin." She has told me this before. When we sleep at night, she tells me that she likes the feel of my beard scratching her neck.

"What kind of welcome is that?" Finnick asks Johanna and this comment makes us both look at him.

Johanna laughs. "Welcome back. Were you hurt?"

"No. I'm fine."

She smiles at him. "Good. We missed you." She says sweetly.

I look over at Annie and realize that Johanna and I have seized to exist. I look over at Johanna and realize that this can't be easy on her. She must want to rush to him and hold him just as bad as Annie. I grab Johanna's hand. "We should get going. Give you guys some privacy." I start to make my way towards the door.

"But I want all of us together!" Annie exclaims. "Can we spend social hour together this evening? Finnick are you available?"

"I am." He confirms.

"What about you two? Johanna…" Annie runs to her arms and kisses her check which makes her smile.

"Sure. I can make it. Peeta you too right." She gives me a look that tells me I have no choice. So I nod yes.

After training and dinner I head over to Johanna's compartment and then we head towards Annie and Finnick's compartment. Things go over smoother than I thought. I'm impressed with Johanna's composure. I guess it shouldn't surprise me. She loves Annie dearly, she would do anything for her. We end up talking and we mostly listen to Finnick's details over his mission. He didn't get to fight much. Most of the time was spent doing propos along with Katniss. Johanna is enthralled because he was working mostly out of District 7. So she has a slew of questions that pertain to her home. She's asking about landmarks, buildings, people, even specific trees. Finnick laughs at her eagerness. He does tell her that the landscape was beautiful, like an ocean of majestic trees. This pleases Johanna.

"Boggs picked a site for one of the propos. It was an amazing location, mountain meets trees and ocean. I couldn't believe it." He smiles lovingly at Johanna.

Johanna is awe struck. "I know what you're talking about. When I was little I ran away with my dog and I made it to a cliff, where I could see a bay and a never ending ocean." She laughs. "I looked at my dog Redwood and said – look Red, we can now say we walked until there was nowhere else to go."

"What did you do next?" I asked her.

She laughs. "I turned back around and went home." We all laugh.

"Why didn't you keep going?" Finnick asks her.

She eyes him thoughtfully. "What was I going to do with all that water? It's not my element, not my terrain."

"I disagree. It's a lot like you. That bay. It's dark, violent, powerful, mysterious, deep, overwhelming, and beautiful – absolutely breathtaking." Finnick stares at her intensely.

I look in their eyes and I can see the longing. Johanna is speechless, this is probably not the time or place for Finnick to make such declarations, especially in front of Annie, but I remember that he said he couldn't contain himself around Johanna. It's awkward and I want to disappear for their sake.

If the room weren't tense enough Annie tops it off.

"Finnick – will you marry me?" She asks sweetly.

I'm shocked and I stare at her. She's dead serious. I'm not sure if she even registered the intimate moment Finnick was sharing with Johanna, not that she would care anyways. Finnick stares at her in awe and he sees how serious she is.

"Annie." He gasps her name. "We should talk about this. You just got back, you're still recovering."

She laughs and interrupts him. "Finnick, I'll be recovering for the rest of my life. I'm doing better than Johanna and Peeta." She turns to us and laughs at us.

I then feel Johanna tightly grasp my hand and she's ice cold. As cold as the day I found her in that cold Capitol shower floor, soaking wet naked. My heart actually breaks for her. "We should leave you two alone." I say and I stand up pulling Johanna with me.

"No!" Annie protests. "Come on Finnick, answer me. In front of the people that are dearest to me." She smiles sweetly at us. I look at Johanna and her eyes look defeated, something I never thought I would see in her. I look at Finnick and I realize how tense he is, he is desperately trying to avert Johanna. I want Johanna to scream, to send Annie's request to hell, to run out screaming, anything that will make me see her fighting spirit because I'm actually afraid a part of her may die.

Annie continues. "Finnick, we survived so much and I know we're going to win this war. We always wanted to get married, before I even went to the stupid Games. Now we can."

Finnick is touched by this, and it's obvious that he's pulled into a time and place where everything was clear for them to be together. He nods yes. "Okay, yes, let's do it." He says sounding choked up and Annie wraps her arms around him and proceeds to kiss him urgently. She seems to show no sign of stopping, clearly it's our cue to leave. I pull Johanna out of there as fast as I can before Annie demands something else.

I walk Johanna back to her door and I wait for her to open it. I realize that she's not doing anything. I turn to look at her and she's just staring into space with the keys in her hand. I grab them from her hand and unlock the door for her. I step inside and pull her in, slamming the door behind us. She finally looks at me with those haunted eyes. I throw my arms around her.

"Please say something, do something, hit something – anything." I talk into her ear.

She starts to laugh hysterically. Shit, she's lost it.

After her laughing fit, she agrees to take a shower but only after she makes me swear that I will stay with her, as if I would refuse. I can't imagine that she'll be able to sleep. I head back to my compartment, I grab my pajamas, and head back to Johanna's compartment. I find her sitting on her sofa staring into space.

"Jo." I call to her.

She stands up, looks at me, and my chest hurts. Her eyes are full of tears. In all our time in the Capitol, she never once looked close to this.

"Let go Jo." I tell her softly. When I do, a sob escapes her, she falls to the ground, and she finally lets the pain out. I go to her, lift her in my arms, and carry her to her bed. I lay her on her side and I lay behind her, holding her. She cries for hours. She cries so hard she's sweaty and she's actually feverish. As much as I want her to let it out, I don't want her to get sick. She finally turns to face me and breathes for a few minutes. We lay in silence as she hugs me.

"Is there anything I can do?" I ask her.

"Hold me." She says and she presses herself to me even more. I gladly embrace her.

"Forever." I say, wholeheartedly meaning it. She takes a few deep breaths and looks up at me.

"Thank you, I don't know what would have happened to me if you weren't in my life." She tells me.

I nod. "Me too." I say thankfully because it's true – I wouldn't be here right now, I know that for a fact.

She throws her arms around my neck. When she pulls back our eyes meet and we just stare at each other. The way she's staring into my eyes tells me that she wants to drown in them, in me, and I don't know what to do or say. She leans in gently and kisses my lips, a light peck. I pull back and smile at her. I'm hoping that this is as much as she wants. But of course, this is Johanna. She leans into me again and expertly takes my lips in hers. Like everything else about her, she commands attention, and she knows how to take over an entire situation. I'm easily swept in her kiss, hypnotized, bewitched really. She even manages to get me on top of her giving me full control of the situation only now I don't know that I want to pull away. But I win my resolve. I pull back.

"Jo…" I say warningly – and I avoid her eyes because I'm afraid they'll pull me in again. I begin to sit up but her body follows mine and she somehow ends up sitting on my lap, trapping me to her bed.

"Peeta." She whispers and she expertly runs her fingers across my collar bones, turning on every nerve in my body. I'm shocked by my reaction to her. How is she doing this. "Please don't deny me this."

I interrupt her. "Jo, you're hurting, you're heartbroken…"

She interrupts me with a kiss again. Her lips gingerly take mine in hers and she gently licks them leaving me speechless, and my breathing speeds up, then she pulls away slightly but still speaks into my lips. "Exactly – I'm so tired of hurting. Years of pain." This makes me look into her eyes, which I instantly regret because just as I imagined the hunger in them is contagious, and her large tears make me melt. She runs her hand down my torso then down to my leg, to my knee, to my prosthetic. She hits a nerve at the right time because I too suddenly feel all the pain I've carried since the 74th Hunger Games, even the loss of my memories and lost feelings hurt me this moment. She continues. "I just want to feel good, something real, that doesn't require pills. I need just one touch…" She seductively kisses my lips, gently without taking her eyes off mine.

I realize that the temperature of her feverish body is starting to transfer to mine. It finally hits me that I want her, badly, for the exact same reason. Most importantly because I want to feel something beautiful for a change. She presses her hands on my shoulders and shifts herself so that she's now straddling me. As she lowers herself again, my hands finally respond to her commands, I move them slowly up her legs and I can't take my eyes off the skin I'm touching. She stops shortly, with a smile on her face because she just realized that she's going to get her way. I run my hands under her shirt and trace her torso, I graze her breasts with the back of my hands and I effortlessly pull her shirt over her head. My hands go to grab her face and our eyes meet again. She sinks her lips into mine, silencing the last traces of resistance crying out in my head. Just like her last kiss, it's enchanting and it seems to soothe something in me, quench a thirst I didn't know I had.

Intense doesn't begin to describe it. It's like we're reading each other's minds and know exactly what to do the moment we desire it. I'm amazed at how curious I am of her body, never once had I thought of her like this. I had seen her body so many times but tonight it's like I'm seeing it for the first time. As I trace her body with my hands and lips I see the memories of her bruises the scars once covering her body during our captivity. I feel compelled to make the memories of that pain go away. I kiss every part of her if I recall it had a scar. I make her come again and again and I want these pleasurable gratifying moans to replace her painful screams that haunt my mind. Each time we begin again I'm more aroused than the time before. Everything about our bodies is turning me on. For instance the moment I realize that my beard is thoroughly wet from her, I want to taste her again. At one point she's laying on her stomach staring at me as we rest and we can't take our eyes off each other. I lean over her to kiss her back and when I uncover her body I'm ready for her again just as she is. I lay over her and I can feel her smile against my arm. I wrap my arm around her waist lifting her hips slightly and I enter her from behind, I lean over her back and kiss it, and each thrust feels more arousing then before. Her moan only intoxicates me more. When we're finally exhausted, we lay on our backs laughing, holding hands. She turns to her side and presses her head onto my chest.

"Is it everything you thought it would be." I say teasing and we both start laughing.

After we stop laughing she turns to me and bites her lip, which drives me crazy but I'm actually too tired to do anything about it. "I'm surprised actually. I have to admit that deep down I didn't think a good wholesome baker, that spent most of his time frosting cupcakes would have it in him." We laugh again. She stops suddenly. "Peeta – are you okay with this?" She asks me.

I look at her in the eye, and I realize that I don't see that desire that pulled me in anymore. It's just me and Jo, good friends, which makes me very happy. "I am, I think I am." I smile at her and continue. "Are you okay – I was going to say that I didn't want you to do anything you would regret later but you interrupted me."

She laughs. "I've regretted a lot. Having sex with you will not be one of my regrets."

"You're my friend, I don't ever want to lose that." I hold her hand.

"I'll always be your friend. Always." She replies.

I'm suddenly assaulted with a flash again. I see Katniss in a bed. She's holding on to my hand and she tells me to please stay with her to hold her. Once again not only do I see her, I can feel everything I was feeling then. My desire for her, my heartache for her, lust, and even anger. It brings tears to my eyes.

"Peeta are you okay?" Johanna shakes me and quickly stands up to put on her shirt. I sit up and close my eyes. I take deep breaths but I can't stop the flashback. I start gasping for air.

"I'm having a flashback. I can see her, I see her desperately holding on to me" is all I can say. I have nod choice but to relive the memory.

– _"No. Peeta, I wish you could sleep with me every night." She confessed. I remember hating this because as much as I loved hearing it, I hated it because it made me cling on to her even more._

 _"Do you want me to hold you?" I asked._

 _"No, no Peeta…"_

Then I can't recall what happened next and once again I see her talking to me, as she layed in a bed.

 _"I could never leave you. I know things are complicated and I look at you and you are tied to so many things, so many things, and I guess I should admit that there's even longing there too." She confessed. I'm shocked to hear her say this and my heart jumped to my throat. I felt tears building up in my eyes. She continued. "But Peeta, it will never win out, that longing for you. It will never win out." She kissed my hand again. My tears spilled over. I pulled her hand towards me and kissed it._

 _I told her to go to sleep and I swallowed my tears. I started to pull away and she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards her again._

 _"No, no, please stay with me. Stay with me." She begged. Her eyes are now closed. "Please stay with me." I climbed in bed with her and she wrapped her body to mine. The way Johanna does now."At least until I fall asleep. Please Peeta. Stay with me." She pleaded._

 _To which I surrendered and replied - Always. And just like that the image is gone._

 _"_ Peeta what is it?" Johanna asks as she tightly grasps my hand.

I'm speechless and I'm plagued by the feelings I had, as if I were still feeling them. "I had a very vivid flashback. I was with Katniss, she asked me to stay with her because she needed me, because she longed for me." I breathe deeply again and I feel tears piercing my eyes. "I can feel everything I felt that moment - I pulled away from her as she slept. I can feel the warmth of her body on me, it felt like I was burning. I looked back at her and I told her that I loved her as she slept. My logic was that this way it's no longer inside of me and it wouldn't sting so much anymore. I remember having a strange mix of emotions - anger, love, desire, lust, passion, and I don't know what else. I remember it was the first time I felt that way, it was burning me, I was burning for her. I left her room wiping my tears." I look at Johanna who is sitting in front of me staring at me. "I don't want to remember that, I don't want to feel that again." I feel that I begin to shake and Johanna wraps her arms around me.

"Shhh." She tells me as she hugs me and kisses my forehead, nose, and lips in an attempt to soothe me.

I look at her desperately and find her lips again. She kisses me back and I long to brush this memory out of my head. For the sake of my sanity, I manage to lose myself in Johanna again.

The next morning I wake up and sit up immediately because the first thing I think about is the flashback I had the night before. Then, Johanna wakes up and looks up at me. She eyes me up and down and I remember that we're both naked.

She sits up and kisses my chest and I watch her make her way up to my lips. She pulls back. "That's for last night." She smiles seductively.

I smile at her appreciatively as I remember how she made me feel last night. I reach out to touch her chin and guide her back to me. I kiss her deeply and pull back. "Thank you." We laugh and she throws her arms around me. I embrace her and I lean back with her in my arms and revel in the sensation of her bare skin against mine.

Then we jump when we hear something dragging across the floor in the other room.

"Who is there?" Johanna calls out.

I'm shocked to see Finnick stroll into the room dragging a chair behind him. He sets the chair at the foot of Johanna's bed and proceeds to sit. I look at Johanna and she is staring at him, glaring at him actually and I'm just confused. I stare at him in amazement.

"You two put on quite a show last night." He tells us bitterly.

I realize that he must have come looking for Johanna last night but he clearly caught us instead. I flinch at the thought of what he could have seen, and I nervously pull on my hair. I have to admit I feel bad because I consider Finnick a friend but at the same time I truly believe that what happened between me and Johanna is none of his business.

Finnick turns his attention towards me. "What's that I see in your face Peeta? Do you feel guilty?"

I look at him a little bit surprised, he's actually going to reproach me. I sit up and lean up against the headboard. I refuse to be intimidated by him or anyone else so I just look at him. "It's not what you think…"

He laughs. "And what do I think? Hmm – that you fucked Johanna last night. I wouldn't think it if I hadn't seen it myself."

I scratch my beard and I don't know what to tell him. I don't think there is anything to say to him.

"If I hadn't seen it last night – well the smell in here today would have given you two away."

I'm starting to get pissed off and because what happened between me and Johanna was special and private, and he's trying to shame us for it. I pull the covers off me and turn to the edge of the bed. I put on my prosthetic and I pull on my underwear. I walk towards the edge of the bed and sit across from him. "What do you want from me? To regret it? I'm not going to." I say firmly.

"Fuck you Peeta." Then he looks at Johanna who is still sitting in bed under the covers uncharacteristically quiet. "And you – how can you do this to me? You denied it again and again that anything like this was happening with him."

"Last night was the first time it happened." I say calmly.

He laughs. "I think I believe that." Then he looks at me again. "Did you wait for her to feel vulnerable enough or heartbroken enough to take advantage?"

I lean back against my arms and look at him coolly. "That's not what happened but I'm glad that you're acknowledging that you broke her heart." I say in hopes of addressing what's really important.

He looks at me bitterly and smiles in disbelief. "I'm glad you're feeling better – enough to go and take advantage of a situation, fuck your friend," He tells me crassly as he points at Johanna without looking at her. "and stab me in the back."

"You know what Finnick. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt but who the hell do you think you are to reproach us right now. You're engaged to Annie as of last night, what is it that you want from Johanna exactly?"

"You have a lot of nerve coming in here going on about me and Peeta and our performance" Johanna finally says something, bitterly. Johanna is finally speaking up and I can hear the venom in her voice. "I'll say there was a great performance last night and it wasn't me and Peeta. That was quite the proposal…" She laughs mockingly. I look at her and I see the fight in her again. She's out to hurt, she will without a doubt. "One moment you're lost in the idea of my land, of me, of us.." She says demurely. "And she knocked you out with a proposal that you can't refuse. Your never-ending obligation."

He closes his eyes, wincing in pain, I'm sure.

"Johanna don't say that." I tell her since I feel badly for Annie.

"I'm not mocking her, If anyone should feel bad it's Finnick. Because after he gets engaged he actually had the gull to come chase me down. For what – to try to get me into bed again, to have one fucking decent conversation, to feel like you actually have a companion that can keep up with you! You're disgusting." She reproaches him and she's going for the open wound.

He jumps to his feet knocking the chair over. "You're disgusting both of you! You denied this for an entire year!" He turns to me and clearly he'd rather focus on our unconventional relationship than acknowledge the merit in what Johanna is saying. "And you!... it's bad enough you're fucked up, you have to screw everyone else over."

"Don't fuck with me Finnick. You're mad, I get that, but this is not what you think. Besides you shouldn't be here demanding answers from Johanna, behaving like a jealous idiot, when you just got engaged." I feel utterly irritated to his total disregard to his hypocrisy.

"Enough of this." Johanna says. "Get out."

"You're a bitch." He shoots at her.

"Don't call her names." I say and he laughs at me and before I know it Johanna has jumped out of bed and punches Finnick in the face. I react instantly and wrap my arms around her body, lift her off the ground, and move across the room with her. She's shaking she's so mad. She actually wants to go after him. He looks back at her, I see love, sadness, reproach, anger, and hatred towards her.

"Finnick just get out." I say to him and he spits blood onto the floor and storms out slamming the door behind him.

I'm left there holding an irate Johanna Mason, who is shaking and starting to make feral animal sounds until she finally starts crying and we sink to the floor. I hold her until she falls asleep again.


	24. Chapter 24

Silas, Nathan and I are in the military training center working out for the hell of it when Finnick and Gale walk in. Finnick eyes me instantly and somehow I get flashbacks to the 74th Hunger Games, the way the Careers tried to look down on me. My maddening self gets smug and I stare back at him defiantly because I know for a fact that without his trident he can't do anything to me. The rationale part me shakes the idea out my head because I hate that I instinctively think like this now. I know why he's looking at me like this and it has nothing to do with his Career status but everything to do with Johanna. Since walking in on me and Johanna he hasn't seen me. I decide to look away because I know he has every right to hate me right now.

"What's that look about?" Silas asks.

There's no point in lying to my friends so I put it all out there. "The night Finnick and Annie got engaged, well Johanna was a mess. I stayed with her and…" I look up at Silas and I can see his devilish smile already, nodding in disbelief. "I consoled her."

Silas interrupts me. "By fucking her."

"Shut up – don't cheapen it."

Nathan laughs. "Of course not you never cheapen anything." Silas and Nathan laugh at this and I guess I understand. I've never been good at locker-room talk, another damn expression I don't understand because what the hell is a locker-room. Apparently, it refers to people boasting about their sexual prowess and sexual conquests. I always found the idea disgusting and demeaning. Over the years, growing up together, every time we had sex with someone, this locker-room talk would start up and I always felt awkward so I would just refrain and refuse to divulge too much information about me or my partners.

"Anyways" I say steering away from any talk revolving Johanna. "She needed to feel good." I look at them seriously and my expression quickly erases their smug smiles. I nod. "We've been through a lot together, I can't even believe I was capable of it. But, she seduced me, and I realized that I wanted to feel the same way." They nod understanding. "It turns out that Finnick came looking for her at some point and saw us." I say unsure, because I still do not know if he literally caught us in the act or walked in and we were passed out but clearly made sense of what had happened. "The next morning we woke up in each other's arms and we were getting started again when Finnick made his presence known."

"What a cock block." Silas says. I shoot him a disapproving look. "what else would you call it. He just got engaged, should he have been celebrating in his bed with his fiancée. What's he doing coming after Johanna?" Silas points out.

"All good points." I interject. "But he is in love with Jo." Silas rolls his eyes. "He does, it's complicated Silas. Look, I understand why he's mad at me. He's a friend and I stabbed him in the back. I'm not proud of that but I can't regret what happened either because I care and love Jo."

"It's easier really, you don't owe him shit, neither does Johanna." Silas laughs.

"Uh oh, he and Hawthorne are heading over?" Nathan warns us.

I look at Silas and he's already smirking. I meet his eyes and nod disapprovingly.

Finnick finally comes up to us with Gale not far behind.

"Hey." He says, not really in a friendly manner but not angry either.

I look at him and nod. "Hey Finnick. Gale." I say acknowledging him too, he just narrows his eyebrows as if annoyed with me. I look him over since I can't imagine what his problem is but I choose to ignore it.

"We need to talk." Finnick cuts right to the chase.

"Okay, you want to come over later…"

"No let's just get it over with now."

I'm a little surprised by this. "Okay. Let's hear it."

"How can you do that to me?" He states simply, he really is just getting to the point.

I just stare at him then I wonder if I am capable of having this conversation. "I'm sorry you're hurt." I say stiffly because I'm not quite sure it's the appropriate thing to say. So my apology doesn't come across very sincere and of course Silas can't contain his laughter. I wince hearing it and Finnick turns angrily to Silas.

"I'm so sorry." He says overly apologetically and insincerely.

"Silas." I practically hiss at him and he shuts up instantly.

"I'm sorry." I repeat to Finnick and this time it's more sincere because it is. "Finnick she's my friend. I love her, like a friend. We are close, we have a bond, and she's been through so much. I witnessed most of that pain she just needed to feel good." I say desperately because I realize that he can hate me if he wants but I don't want him to hate her because she loves him desperately.

He just looks me over looking enraged really.

"I also don't want you to think I took advantage of her or your situation."

"Then tell me how you walk your good friend back to her room and you end up fucking her?" He asks crassly and furiously.

I wince. "It wasn't like that, she's not like that. You know how much she loves you. You broke her heart." I say feeling protective of her.

"How did it happen then?" He asks.

I stare at him. "She seduced me." I say.

His breathing quickens and his chest starts to rise higher and higher.

"You're a fucking asshole." Gale says over Finnick's shoulder. For some reason I get angry instantly and I look over Finnick's shoulder.

I stare at him for a few seconds and for some reason I laugh. I shake my head and decide to let it go. All I know about Gale is that I was jealous of him because he was Katniss's lover or still is, who the hell knows, but I no longer care. I look away from him and focus on Finnick, but I notice that Nathan and Silas are keeping their eyes on Gale.

"I realize that I could have put a stop to it, I tried at first…"

"Spare me the details." Finnick interjects. "I'm just trying to understand why you would betray me like that. I get that maybe we're not as close as you are to Johanna or as close as I am to Katniss but you know how special she is to me."

"I do, and that's why I'm sorry I hurt you. All I can say is I didn't go to that room planning to sleep with her. And everything you are saying now crossed my mind but we needed each other." I say and I don't know how else to explain it.

Something registers in his eyes. He looks lost in thought for a few seconds and I see him reach down to grab his pinky finger and twists it. His subconscious gesture registers with me, I remember Johanna telling me about how they first bonded, how he broke her finger to get her to calm down, and how he turned to her to feel something other than the people he was being sold off to. I close my eyes and sigh because I feel really guilty now.

"I know what you mean to each other." I say to him.

He registers me again and nods, softly now. "You did, even in the Quell. In the arena you could sense how worried I was, how sad, and nervous I was for her. I felt like you were looking out for us. I was touched by your generosity, it was not the time or place to show mercy" He tells me.

I smile. "I'll take your word for it, I don't remember much."

He nods.

"Look, I'm a mess. Maybe if I had all my things in order, my mind, I could have prevented what happened with Jo, but I'd be lying to you if I said I regretted it. We needed each other and maybe it was that fragility that made me give in to it. I'm not excusing it. Believe me." I say and he stares at me sternly but sympathetically too.

"I can assure you if you had all your wits about, you wouldn't have done anything differently." Gale chimes in maliciously.

"Why don't you shut your mouth Hawthorne." Silas points out but Gale ignores him.

I finally laugh and I smile in his direction. "It sounds like you also have something to reproach me for, I can't imagine what, but why don't you get if off your chest. I'm listening."

Finnick turns to face him. "Gale…" Finnick calls out to him warningly and this only peaks my curiosity.

Gale just brushes Finnick's warning away and he stares reproachfully at me. "No, Finnick, seriously you're not buying his good guy act are you? Trust me I know it all too well. He gets to screw everyone over and it's never his fault. He slaps you with a dose of sincere remorse, which is really half-ass if you think about, and then walks away looking even better than he did before because he was honest on top of everything. Fuck you." He basically barks at me.

I'm actually taken aback by this. "How did I screw you over?" I ask genuinely curious.

He looks furious. "Are you fucking kidding me? You disrupted my whole relationship with Katniss!" I can't help but roll my eyes at this and I regret it because the look on his face is unforgiving. "Don't you fucking do that…" He says warningly and I see a flash of light and it's like I'm transported back to a different time. I'm outside my Victor Home and I can clearly see Gale by my door steps berating me for fucking up his relationship with Katniss. Then I remember that he was really mad at me because of my affair with Madge. I then get flash backs to Madge crying in my arms and I remember her telling me how Gale used her for sex during the Games and the Victory Tour. I remember the rage that surged through me. Suddenly I'm brought back by hands shaking me, I'm sitting on a bench and Silas, Nathan, and even Finnick are trying to get me to snap out of it. I stare at them and I still feel anger running through me. I quickly stand and move Silas and Nathan out of the way. Gale doesn't see it coming, I swing and my fist lands square on his face knocking him over and blood rushes from his nose. Silas and Nathan are quickly pulling me back and Finnick is already holding Gale back, who sprung up to his feet in no time.

"You have a lot of nerve to accuse me of screwing people over after what you did to Madge, you fucking scum." The moment I say it I can see that I break away at something inside of him. "Good, you feel guilty you should."

"What are you talking about?" Silas asks.

"During my first Games and the Victory Tour, Gale here needed to feel like a big man so he took advantage of Madge because he knew that she was in love with him." I say and I can see more shame take over Gale, so much so that Finnick doesn't even have to hold him back anymore, he feels like shit, I can see it. Silas looks at him enraged and he suddenly stops holding me back and pushes Nathan out of the way instead to let me go. I'm still unreasonable so I lunge for him again but Finnick holds me back now.

"Gale get out of here." Finnick orders him over his shoulder.

"Don't you ever compare yourself to me. I did not use Johanna the way you used Madge you asshole."

"I fucked up I know I did and I'll regret it till the day I die because I cared more about her than I wanted to admit to myself." Gale says defensively.

"Aww – poor Gale, what was it that you said I screw everyone over and it's never my fault, I slap people with a dose of remorse, and then walk away looking better than before because I was honest. Fuck you. You're a hypocrite." I start laughing and I finally let up. I push away from Finnick.

"What about Ivy?" Gale points out and this sets me off again. I turn around and go after him and I must look like a crazed person because now Nathan, Silas, and Finnick are holding me back and they're struggling.

"Don't you talk to me about Ivy?" I warn him.

"Calm down Mellark. She cares about you and what do you do, you allow for something to happen with Johanna." Gale says cynically.

I start to shout obscenities and he yells over me. "All I'm saying Mellark is that I get you went through a lot, and your mind is not what it was before. I honestly hope you get to a good place for your sake but for everyone's sake too because whether you have full control of your actions or not you are hurting a lot of people." For some reason this makes me listen, his voice finally softens a little. "Since your arrival a lot has happened. You almost killed the only girl I've ever loved, you have a lot of unfinished business with people that love you, mainly Ivy and she's waiting for you. While, you innocently sleep with Annie and Johanna." He says this last remark cynically.

"Shut up, you don't know anything about that." I say defensively.

"Yeah, yeah, I know – you all need each other. But it's not harmless. All of these people are tied to other people and you are disrupting lives. Point and case, you had sex with Johanna, your supposed platonic friend, and you stab Finnick in the back in doing it. Just like you stabbed Ivy in the back by sleeping with Madge, I don't care if you two were together or not, you were all friends and you knew Ivy loved you both. And after it's done you don't even look back at the ruins you leave behind." He says bitterly.

I think about what he's saying and I realize that he's right. "I'm sorry I disrupted your life with Katniss. I am also incredibly sorry that I tried to kill her. I hate myself for doing that. As for my intruding in your lives and your relationship, all of that is over, I don't want anything with her anymore. I'm not a factor or an obstacle, and she certainly doesn't have to cater to my feelings anymore"

He smiles but I can tell he's frustrated. "Well I'm glad you can't be bothered with her anymore."

I glance at him and look away to think about what he's saying. "I didn't mean it like that."

He laughs. "You didn't mean it like that but it's exactly how you act. You don't even care the condition in which you left Katniss."

"I do care. I hate that I tried to kill her, especially after how I felt about her for so long."

"Not just that! What about everything else – you get involved with her, turn her life upside down, leave her in ruins…"

I'm confused by what he's saying because I don't know what he's talking about. "aside from forcing my lifelong crush on her, which led to the star-crossed lover charade, what did I do to her?"

"Gale!" Finnick shouts at him and he's the one to push him this time. "Gale just fucking leave. I need to talk to Peeta." Finnick says angrily.

"Gale you have plenty of reasons to hate me, I get your points, but you must understand that we were both used. I didn't leave her in ruins. Snow did, just like he did to me. Then you add Haymitch's betrayal. It's not on me." I say calmly and I see Gale nod in frustration and he wants to say more, I can tell.

"Gale leave." Finnick shouts at him again. But then there's nothing more for him to say to me, so he walks away but not before looking disapprovingly at me.


	25. Chapter 25

The next day, I'm having breakfast with Nathan and Silas in the community dining area when two soldiers come looking for me.

"Mr. Mellark. We have orders to take you to the hospital to meet with Dr. Thrive."

I look at them a little bewildered. "Since when do I need to be escorted to see John?" I ask genuinely curious.

"We don't have details, we just have orders."

"Okay." I look at Nathan and Silas. "I guess you guys get to finish my special heavy calorie food." I say teasingly.

"Good, not fair you're the only one that gets to grow huge muscles around here." Silas teases me and we all laugh

I walk away with the soldiers and they take me to my old special padded room. I instantly feel anxious. I walk into the observation room and I see John standing around with another soldier.

"Good morning." I greet them

"Peeta, good you're here. Sit down." John asks me and I pull up a chair.

"This is Elly, she's here to talk to you about your assault on Gale Hawthorne."

I take a deep breath and I guess I should have seen this coming. "Okay." I say.

Elly begins her inquiry. "Did you hit him, do you admit it?"

"yes, we had an altercation. Finnick and I were in a pretty heated discussion and Gale just

started mouthing off." I wonder if this the best way to describe it.

"So he was antagonizing you?" Elly inquires.

"I guess, he was, not that I'm saying that I what I did was right. I lost my temper."

"But he was instigating a fight?" She asks.

"I don't know. I think he just wanted to unleash a verbal assault on me and he wanted me to just sit there and take it. That wasn't going to happen"

"You said you and Finnick were fighting…"

"Arguing." I correct her.

"Over what?" She asks.

I stare at her for a moment. "It's private."

"Peeta, this is a security issue, you need to cooperate." John tells me gently.

I sigh feeling annoyed. "Since when is a personal disagreement between friends constitute for a security risk?" I ask angrily.

"Since you are an unstable Victor, your personal issues become our issues, especially when you break one of our rebel's noses as a result of your personal problems."

I swallow bitterly because I guess she has a point. "Okay then."

"Why were you arguing with Finnick." She presses on.

"He's mad at me because of my closeness to Johanna. He's having a hard time, because he is recently engaged, and I'm sure as you already know." I say bitterly. "He was involved with Johanna, but that ended. Now he's jealous." I hope that's all I have to tell her.

She stares at me for a long time. "Are you having a sexual relationship with Johanna? Is that what upset Finnick?"

I instantly get angry. "Why is this necessary?" I ask bitterly.

John also looks surprised. "I'm sorry but I have to agree, why does that matter?" He says defensively.

"We need to make sure that the Victors are as civil to each other as possible, they can't implode or kill each other while under our care." She presses on and I'm not buying her rationale, it's ridiculous.

"Finnick and I were civil, Gale on the other hand, and he's not a Victor." I point out to her.

"Peeta, believe me, Gale will be warned about how he handles the Victors."

"Handles the Victors?" I say bitterly, I don't like her talking about us like this.

"Peeta, I need to complete and incident report, and I need to know what happened. I don't want you to be punished and the more I know the better we can protect you." She says.

I'm startled, because it hadn't occurred to me that I could be punished. "Punished?" I ask.

She nods sympathetically. "Look a first offense like this, could lead to a week in jail." She points out to me.

I feel my chest tighten and I regret hitting Gale instantly. It was stupid and it's certainly not worth it.

"You have to be kidding me!" John protests. "Don't manipulate him…" he begins to challenge the soldier.

I interrupt his efforts to help me. "It's ok John, there needs to be consequences to my actions, I shouldn't have hit him. I'll cooperate."

"Why were you arguing with Finnick?"

"He's mad at me because I slept with Johanna, and he was jealous. Finnick and I were talking, heated argument, but we were under control. Gale then proceeded to yell at me and accuse me of essentially ruining his life." I take a deep breath because I hope I don't have to get into that. "Long story, I'm sure you heard of it, star-crossed lover bullshit…" She nods understanding that I'm referring to Katniss. "Anyway, he upset me and I had a momentary flashback. I remembered something, about him and a friend of mine, that he screwed over. I lost it, I hit him."

"So, you had a flashback. Was it an attack?" Elly asks.

"No, it was just a flashback."

"Peeta runs the risk of having flashbacks or attacks under high stress situations." John points out to Elly and she nods.

"Okay. I think I heard enough." She says.

I'm puzzled by this procedure. She stands up and calls someone, I swear she said the name Coin, which means she's filling her in on what happened. I can't understand why this is important to Coin, she must have more important things to do.

I look at John who is staring curiously at Elly. "John, I'm sorry, I feel like I let you down."

He looks at me, he looks distracted as he stares back at Elly then he turns his attention towards me. "I know you're sorry. Look, you've been doing great, I can't say I'm surprised something like this happened. Gale should not have antagonized you like that, not that I'm excusing your actions." He takes a deep breath. "Look, I'm not going to let anyone take you to a cell for this, it will be counterproductive to your recovery."

I close my eyes in relief because I can't stand the thought of staring at a cell again. I just nod. Elly suddenly interrupts us. "That won't be necessary John. I just got orders. Peeta, you'll have to stay here again, for two weeks. Precaution, to make sure you don't lash out if you're fragile right now."

I hate the idea but it's a million times better than a week in a jail cell. "Peeta our priority is your health and well-being, and we need to make sure you don't hurt anyone else." Elly points out and she's about to walk out when she turns around. "Also, you can't attend social functions for a month, until we're sure that you are stable. You can't go to Finnick and Annie's wedding."

I can't even look at her. This breaks my heart because I needed to be there, for Annie and for Johanna. How is Johanna supposed to be there and watch that happen without my support. "Great." I say bitterly. Elly finally leaves.

I just stare into space and feel regretful. I hate feeling like a scolded child. "I'm sorry Peeta." John says to me and I nod.

"My fault." I say.

"Okay. I'll have Nathan and Silas bring you clothes and other stuff that you'll need for a the next two weeks. It will go by fast, your friends can still come see you."

He leaves and I stand around thinking about what just happened. While I do deserve to be punished for attacking Gale, something isn't sitting right with me. The more I think about it, I feel like the moment I said I slept with Johanna, she was not interested anymore in anything else, certainly not Gale. But that can't be right. We're in the middle of a revolution, why is my sex life relevant. How could it possibly affect my Victor image in their war propaganda?


	26. Chapter 26

p class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst"After a week of being back in the padded room, I become increasingly anxious, manic, and depressed. John gets permissions for me to make it out of the room to see my therapist. He decides to take me into the District's kitchen. As soon as I walk in, I feel nostalgic and the sight of flour and baking materials. He asks me if I would be up for baking something. I'm surprised when I feel excited over the idea of baking bread I decide to give it a try. I proceed to make loaves after loaves of bread. I end up baking for hours and my therapist stays with me, making casual conversation./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What kind of bread can you make?" He asks./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Everything and I guess I can follow a recipe if I don't know it."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What about pastries?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I smile. "Yeah – I can do that too. I was in charge of decorating in my family's bakery." I laugh. "My friends used to tease me about it because decorating cakes, cupcakes, and cookies consists of a lot of flowers and silly things, but up until the Games, baked goods were my only canvas."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" The doctor smiles sweetly at me. "What was your favorite thing to make?" /p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I don't even have to think about it. I respond happily."Cheese buns, I made them every day because Katniss loved them." I respond as if it weren't even me, it's as if this thought was laying dormant but woke up and made its presence known. I stop what I'm doing and I look up at him, my therapist stares intently at me./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Are you okay?" he asks./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I nod no. "I think I'd like to stop now." I tell him./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" He nods. "Okay. We can come back tomorrow, and any other day you'd like. We don't have to talk, you can talk and I can listen, or you can even come back by yourself. Maybe you can keep a journal and write about your thoughts and feelings after you bake. I think this is good for you./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I focus on him again. "I did enjoy it. I felt close to my dad here."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" He smiles. "That's good."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" That night I lay down in my bed of the padded room and I think back to baking. I really did enjoy it. I feel sad to think that I hadn't thought about baking in years. I begin to cry because I miss my brothers, father, and even my mother. I console myself and I manage to fall asleep. I'm woken up by a memory, me throwing two loaves of bread to a starving 11 year old Katniss, who sat cold and withering in the rain underneath a tree. I instantly sit up, the sadness in her eyes haunts me, I feel something move inside of me. I remember how she transformed slowly after that day, and how for five years after that, we were always looking for each other's eyes from a distance. My heart hurts at the thought. I take a deep breath and try to relax. I try to go to sleep again but this time I get a flashback. I decide to not resist it. I'm alone here and I'm sure someone is watching me, I can't hurt anyone and the doctors have figured out a way to keep me from hurting myself. Once again I can hear a train, I'm on the train. I can hear Katniss screaming from another room, and I feel stressed. I don't run to her even though I wanted to , badly. I even hear her call out to me. I take a deep breath and I remember the night terrors, we both had them. Then I see her walk into the train compartment that I'm in, she's wearing a large robe. I remember that I call to her and she runs to my arms. I also remember how she felt in my arms and how it made me feel. A piercing desire began to burn through me and I also believe her. I finally snap out of it./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Every night for the rest of my time in that room, I get flashbacks of me and Katniss, in the train, and one where we were in her mother's house. We were face to face, about to kiss, and the pull towards her was overwhelming. I begin to question if these are hallucinations if they're real. Whatever stress or anguish I experience, it's relieved as soon as I walk into the kitchen. I prefer to be in there alone without the therapist because I'm afraid I'll admit something like what I said the first day here, about Katniss. As I'm preparing the batter for a cake I hear the door open and I look up. I'm happy to see Annie walk in. She offers me a sweet smile, she runs towards me, and embraces me./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" As soon as she pulls away she asks me. "Is it true that you can't come to my wedding?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" It pains me to confirm it because I can see the disappointment in her face. "I'm sorry Annie, I can't. I fucked up and hit Gale, and they're afraid I can hurt others. It's not really a punishment, more like a precaution."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She stares into the distance thinking hard about what I told her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Hey Annie" She looks at me again. "Maybe it's best, I am fragile, I'd hate to have an attack in the middle of your special day. I'd never forgive myself if I ruined it. Finnick would kill me."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She smiles, and peaks up at me. The expression in her face changes from that childlike manner to a menacing one. "I hear he already wants to kill you." Her voice transforms as well. She's taking on that persona that would seldom make her presence known in the Capitol. She always made me nervous. She begins to laugh eerily and she walks over to the bowl where I'm preparing cake batter. "Word has it that you fucked Johanna – and Finnick is pissed. The nerve…"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I take a deep breath and begin to wonder if it's a good idea for her to be around knifes. "Finnick doesn't want to kill me Annie."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She glares at me. "Oh no, he's not happy about you fucking his little slut, I promise you he wants to kill you."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I exhales nervously. "Annie, calm down. That's not what's happening."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks at me and she's furious. "Do me a favor Peeta, don't talk to me like that, I'm well aware of what's going on around me. I know he's hiding around in corners crying for her, just like I know Johanna has kept her word and she hasn't slept with him. Just like she promised."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "That promise to you means everything to her." I reassure her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "it better, if she knows what's good for her."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She then dips her finger in the batter and brings it to her mouth to taste it. A sweet smile spreads across her face. "Peeta, it's delicious." That sweet childlike voice is back./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I feel the muscles on my back relax and I can breathe easier now. I force a smile. "You like it?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I love it."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Maybe I can make your wedding cake, that way a part of me will be there."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Her eyes grow wide with excitement and she runs to my arms. "Please do Peeta! Oh, it would mean the world to me. I'm going to go tell Finnick!" In a second she's gone. I realize that she left me with my mouth hanging open. I coil over and hold on to my knees because I realize that they were shaking. I inhale deeply and exhale sharply./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "shit… I don't think I'm the one they should be worrying about." I say to myself aloud./p 


	27. Chapter 27

p class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst"Today has been a long day, I woke up early to prepare that large wedding cake for Annie. It turned out perfect. She's going to love it and I do wish I could see her face. I've committed myself diligently to baking because of the constant flashbacks I've been getting. All these memories of my feelings for Katniss have left me agitated and nervous. What is worse that they don't make sense and I need to find a way to figure out what is real versus hallucinations. I pace around the padded room when John walks in./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Peeta, are you okay? You look agitated." He asks./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I laugh because I look around and I realize what I must look like from that looking glass. "I blame this room John. It makes me crazy. I came today because I'm stressing over flashbacks or hallucinations."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I thought you learned to distinguished between he two."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Me too, but these images don't make sense at all, so I can't trust my judgment."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Are they about Katniss."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Isn't it always." I say cynically./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Why don't you ask her?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I stare at him for a moment. "Do you think it's a good idea?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "You've been around her already, why not address your problems. We can do it here, under a controlled environment./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I don't think about it too much. "Do you think the wedding is still going on?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "It's probably tuning down now." John tells me./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I'd like to see her now if possible." Before I lose my nerve, I think to myself./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I'll send for her and see if she wants to." John tells me and I nod./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"I sit patiently waiting for her. Since I spent those two weeks in this room my medicine had to be altered, due to the added stress and anxiety I suffered while staying in this damn room. As a result I take it upon myself to come on my own if I'm feeling too anxious, just in case. Knowing that I can make these calls makes me feel better and I can subdue the monster brewing in my mind. I can even talk about Katniss, say her name, see images of her, and I am completely unaffected. Baking this past month has also brought on a lot of memories and it has forced me to deal with the loss of my family. While difficult and heartbreaking, it's been therapeutic. On the plus side, I was able to bake Annie's wedding cake and that makes me incredibly happy. I guess I'm not completely healed, it's the reason why I couldn't witness Finnick and Annie's wedding today./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I think back to Katniss and I'm more sure that seeing her will be the best thing to do. I can't ignore the fact that I have pressing questions the linger in my mind and that will help clarify a lot but I also need to be sure that I can control those attacks that make me want to kill her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Peeta." I hear her voice. I was so lost in thought I've been staring at the wall and I didn't see her come in. That's new too, I don't have my doctors announcing my guests. I guess that's progress. I turn to look at her slowly and can't help the sharp breath that I take at the sight of her. She's wearing a dress that seems familiar to me. emI close my eyes and I see us, sitting as I hold her in my arms, and she's wearing this same dress. In my memory she looks up at me and I kiss her lips gently, she doesn't pull away, instead she kisses me back. She then tells me that there is no point in keeping secrets from each other./em I open my eyes again, feeling startled. I see John by the door, with a syringe in hand, just in case I guess./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I take a step towards her and notice that she tenses up instantly. So I stop and stare at her again, I study her, look her over, convincing myself that this is her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Are you sacred of me?" I ask her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She gives me a guilty look and her eyes fill with tears. "Hum – after last time – yes." She replies nervously./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I nod. "I understand. I'm scared of you too – terrified."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks shocked now./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "In my mind – I was convinced that you were out to kill me. I was brainwashed. I blamed you for what happened to 12 and my family. For a long time I thought my friends were dead and I thought that was your fault too."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She stares at me and the tears are pooling in her eyes and finally they begin to spill over and she quickly wipes them. "And now?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I realize that my mind was altered so that I would believe that and so that I would kill you. I became Snow's weapon against you, something I know I never wanted. And for that I'm sorry." I say gently./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "That you became a weapon?" She asks me./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "That and that I tried to kill you. I'm also sorry that I can't say with certainty that you'll be safe around me ever again."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She inhales sharply and it looks as if she were in genuine pain. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that you don't know why that is such a loss for the two of us."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I look at her curiously. "What do you mean?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She smiles sadly at me. "I'm sorry that you can't remember what we meant to each other."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Katniss – I may not have all my memories. However; I do remember what you meant to me and how I felt about you, it's just that I don't feel that anymore. Also – I now know that it's for the best. My love for you was toxic." She winces and closes her eyes when I say this. I feel a little angry by her reaction and I'm not sure why. I guess I didn't know what to expect. What was I expecting then? I shake the thought away and continue. "Anyway, I also remember that it was a big inconvenience for you. It was stressful and forced on you. I realize that I set the ball in motion during our first Games and for that I apologize. But it's over now, it has been. Coin agreed that she will not put me up front and center next to her Mockingjay. I welcome that and I'm sure you do too." I do my best to smile gently at her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I only agreed to be her Mockingjay if she saved you and absolved you from any potential treason charges." She tells me./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I stare at her. "Thank you for that. I didn't know that." I reply awkwardly and I feel angry again. What does she want from me exactly, does she need my praise I'm not going to do that. If roles were reversed it's the least I would have done for her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Why did you want to see me?" She asks dryly./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"I can tell that she looks angry and I'm angered by this. "Sorry to disturb you, I just wanted to apologize for what I did…"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Strangling me close to death." She interrupts me./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Yes. I am sorry for that. And to see if you can answer some questions." I decide to walk away from her, perhaps she'll relax a little bit more and so I walk back towards my bed and lean back on it./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks curious./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "However, it will be a challenge because I am truly convinced that you are incapable of telling the truth, and I am incapable of believing anything you say." I say to her and I know I must sound crazy./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Then what's the point." She tells me dryly, now standing a little more straight./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" " I don't remember everything from the Games and little to nothing from the Quell." I say to her and she looks surprised to hear this./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What do you remember?" She asks./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Did you try to kill me during our first Games?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks away from me and takes a deep breath. "Yes." Then she looks me right in the eye. "But only because I thought you had teamed up with the Careers to kill me. I overheard you with them. Before I knew you were trying to help me, before I knew you were planning on helping me win…"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Do you think that's okay? That I was willing to give up on myself for your sake?" I ask her feeling defensive./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "No!" She says firmly. "You never asked me, had I known I would have begged you not to do that." She takes a few breaths to compose herself. "As soon as I found out we could both win, I knew what I had to do to make that happen."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I nod and it makes sense. I hesitantly continue. "The whole star-crossed lover thing – that was an act right?" I say feeling a little embarrassed. What if it was real, slightly real, especially since I've been getting flashbacks that don't make sense./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks furious now. "Why would you ask that?" I'm confused by her response because I didn't know it was supposed to be obvious./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I saw video of us during the Victory Tour and you don't seem very sincere." I say trying to hold back my nerves./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She doesn't look at me. "We were putting on an act to help save people Peeta."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I nod understanding. "What about your cousin Gale?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "He's not my cousin." She protests./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I smile "Right. I keep hearing that. Anyway I remember that the two of you were an item. You probably… he's your lover right?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She winces. "Why is that relevant to us?" She asks sounding impatient./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I'm bewildered by her response. I get angry again. "Because if he is or was your lover, our act couldn't have been easy on him."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She glares at me. "No it wasn't."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I have other memories Katniss. If they are real memories, they don't quite make sense to me. I remember being in your home I think and we almost kissed but Gale stormed in. Did you lead me along?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "No. Why would I do that?" She asks./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "So that I would do whatever you wanted."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She stares at me in disbelief and she takes a deep breath to collect herself. "Peeta, I never asked you to do anything for me. Not once..." She looks around looking exasperated and hurt at once./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I stare at her again. I look her up and down again. She looks so different from the monster the Capitol had created in my head./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Why are you staring at me like that?" She asks defensively./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I'm sorry. I just – this past year and half – I've had this image of you in my head and it's not real." She looks startled by what I say. "you're really tiny, not particularly pretty." She flinches when I say this and I regret saying it immediately, I have no more filters and I just talk without thinking sometimes. Before I can apologize she responds./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Let me tell you, you've looked a lot better." She says defensively./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I wince to hear her say this because I'm always paranoid about appearing weak. But I'm also angry because she's not even trying to sympathize with my situation. I completely understand how this hasn't been easy on her but I am trying. My patience starts wearing. "Wow, you're going to say that to me after what I went through." She doesn't say anything. "Anyway – I guess I wanted to confirm whether you and I were romantically involved at all, ever. Did that moment happen, you and me in your house?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Yes, that happened." She says briskly./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Why?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Because I was attracted to you Peeta, you used to understand that, and sometimes I liked the way your kisses made me feel." She says this casually now, unfeeling./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Did Gale know about that?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Probably."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "He was okay with that?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Probably not, but I wasn't asking him for permission – Snow was the only one calling the shots in my life actually. Kissing you was the only thing allowed." She says cynically/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Wow – you're a piece of work…" I say feeling indignant by her tone./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "You have a lot of nerve to say that to me!" I'm shocked that she's yelling at me./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Katniss please calm down, this isn't good for him." John interrupts us./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "No, that's okay let her. I'm fine. I'm actually very curious." I say./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Did Ivy care that you confessed your genuine love for me, did you show her any consideration then?! Did she care that you were falling all over yourself for me, that you got engaged to me…?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I can't believe she just went there. "That was your idea!" I protest./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Look at that – you remember that. You flipped out when you found out about one kiss with Gale. Tell me how long were you sneaking around with Ivy after the Games, how often were you bringing her into your home to fuck her, or how many other girls were there? Did Ivy mind that? How did she feel when you screwed her friend Madge?! Putting us all at risk!" She reproaches me and I can tell she's been waiting to do this for a long time./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I'm shocked and I realize that she has left me speechless and even my mouth is hanging open. I was not expecting her to come in here to reproach me for anything. "That's none of your business and don't you ever infer that Ivy or Madge were just fuck buddies of mine. Especially Ivy! She is so much more than that. I don't expect you to understand. I'm not Gale – who had no problem using Madge for sex and nothing more." I say coolly containing my anger./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She stares at me in disbelief and her eyes are furious. "Fuck you Peeta. I did what I was told by everyone, including you! I had to go along with your once existing love for me. I went along with following Snow's orders in order to save my family, and Gale's family, and your life. Because that was all that mattered. And like you, I followed Haymitch's orders and he betrayed me too because he was supposed to make sure that you survived the Quell, not me" she stops to take a deep breath. "There were days where I couldn't breathe because I had lost all free will. I'm glad you didn't feel that.. that you could carry on with your life" She says this sadly, without reproach, she just sounds defeated. What she says starts to sink in and I begin to feel some guilt. After a long silence she looks at me again./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Katniss – I didn't ask you to come here to fight. I can see why you are angry. I can see why you think the situation was unfair – it was unfair." I stop to reflect on what she's saying and think hard because I actually do have memories of feeling guilt and remorse over keeping Ivy a secret. "If it makes a difference to you – I did feel guilty over not telling you. I remember some things from the Victory Tour, thoughts associated to my private life."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She laughs. "Of course." She says cynically./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "The Capitol didn't know about my private life and so of course they didn't skew those memories, thoughts or feelings. So I can remember. Don't be so cynical about it, those memories are my touching point to reality and my only hope of getting better." I look at her and she nods understanding. I continue. "I do remember feeling guilty over hiding her from you. I remember feeling like a hypocrite after my outburst about what you and Haymitch kept from me. I felt bad reproaching you about Gale when I was hiding Ivy. I thought long and hard the night we left District 11, if I should tell you - I finally came to the conclusion that I could not put her life on the line out of loyalty to you. I had no right."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks at me looking wounded. "I guess that's that. Johanna told me more about her – she explained that you were trying to keep her safe from Snow and if that meant lying to me, then so be it."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I nod. "Yes. For what it's worth, it wasn't easy. I remember that."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She laughs again. "Yeah – so the hell with us right?" She says bitterly./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I stare at her feeling frustrated. "Whatever. Time proved that I made the right decision. Besides I know you understand. If Snow didn't know about Prim, wouldn't you have done anything to hide her from him?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks shocked to hear me say this. "Of course I would have! But it's not the same thing. She's my sister…" She stares at me wide eyed./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I stand up again and gently walk towards her. "Katniss, I'm talking about the girl I was going to marry, have children with, I had planned a future with her and I lost that. Can you understand how precious she is to me? Even if our plans were never going to happen because of Snow's plans for you and me, I had to save her."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She stares at me wide eyed and takes a step back from me and closes her eyes for an uncomfortable amount of time. I'm not sure what to make of this. I've been told that like me, she's not mentally stable, so I back away again and sit on the edge of my bed. After some time she opens her eyes and looks at me again./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What else do you want?" She asks dismissively./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Like I said, I'm trying to make sense of what little memories I have of the Games and Quell."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What do you remember about the Quell?" She looks at me with a soft expression./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Bits and pieces of the Arena. Not a lot."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What about before the Arena – the Reaping, arriving to the Capitol, our days in the training center leading to the Quell?" She asks softly and looking at the floor as if she can't face me for some reason./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Honestly nothing. I remember the reaping because of my connection to my family and friends…"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "And Ivy." She finishes my thought./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Yes. But anything connected to you – they skewed. Is there anything I should know? That's actually why I want to talk to you? I do get bits and pieces. As I said, I remember the Arena briefly but I don't even remember being electrocuted."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She stares at me surprised. "Wow – sometimes I wish I could have those moments zapped from my memory."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Trust me, if you only knew what they did to remove those memories…" I stare at her and I can see my torture chamber when I close my eyes. I shudder and take a moment to breathe./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Peeta?" John intervenes again./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I'm fine. Just give me a second." I open my eyes again and I see her still standing there./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I remember giving you a locket, in the Arena, the Quell right?" I ask her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Her eyes soften a little. "Yes, you did."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Why?" I ask her. "Talk about bad timing for gifts."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She musters a smile. "You were trying to convince me to not give up, to make it back home."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Even at my life's expense?" I ask./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Your plan, not mine, and I certainly didn't agree with it. For what it's worth, the night the Quell was announced, I wanted you to make it out alive. Whatever plan you had worked out in your head, I had no intention of going along with it, not that time."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" " I must have loved you a lot." I say as I think about that, a young man sacrificing his life for hers./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks wounded and she stares at me, her eyes look like they are shaking because of the tears in her eyes. "Yeah…you did." She says sadly./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I stare at her and I'm puzzled by her reaction, I don't trust her. "Why would you do that, let me win?" I ask suspiciously./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Because you'd do the same for me." She says simply. She waits for me to say something but I have nothing. I'm just confused and suspicious. "Is that all? I'm tired." She tells me./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I think that's it. Can I continue to ask you things, if questions come up?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She nods. "If I'm around, and if it's safe, sure. You could also just watch the videos of the Games. I'm sure Beetee has them."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I nod frantically. "No, I can't do that. I can't bear it."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "You may get a lot that way."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I can't!" I confirm./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She takes a step back. "Like I said – if I'm around and I can help, sure." She turns around and walks away./p 


	28. Chapter 28

**This chapter contains lyrics from Sarah McLachlan's I will remember you. I thought it fit the moment.**

* * *

After looking for Johanna all evening it finally hit me that Johanna doesn't want to be found, understandably. My thoughts are torn between Johanna and Annie. A part of me wants celebrate with Annie because I'm genuinely happy for her. I remember when love was the most important thing in my life, as it still is for her, and even after everything she survived and the state of her mind, her love has triumphed. The thought genuinely fills my heart with joy and warmth. There is hope out there. Thankfully, John gave me clearance to get some fresh air above ground while everyone takes part in the District's celebration below. How wonderful it would be if the whole District could come above ground.

I step outside and inhale deeply. I love it and the smile that the fresh air pulls out of me seems to have a life of its own, it even makes me laugh. I decide to walk towards a small lake that is nearby. I sit on the ground and lean back against a large tree with long flexible branches that sweep down to the ground. It's lovely. I'm startled when I hear small steps behind me. I turn around and I'm surprised to see Ivy.

"Hey." I call out to her.

"Hi. I hope I didn't startle you?"

"No. Did you come looking for me?" I ask wondering how she found me.

"Yes, John made it possible for me to come keep you company. " She stays quiet and looks around. "I asked about you and asked if I could come see you?" She says almost confessing it.

I notice that she's not wearing her usual District 13 jumpsuit. You know the war is going our way when we get variety in our clothes, District 13 residents are besides themselves and are awfully amused by all the colors. I smile at her because I notice how beautiful she looks in this deep green dress she is wearing.

"You look beautiful." I say and she smiles at me.

"Thank you. You look good too. I see your beard is back." She points out to me and I notice she blushes a little and this makes my mind race to the close moment we shared a few weeks ago.

"Yeah – I think I like it." We stare at each other for a few seconds. "So how was the wedding, I'm so sad I missed it."

"You shouldn't have broken Gale's nose." She says.

"To be fair, it was an episode and yes I regret doing it. The latest psych evaluation proves I am showing remorse." I explain and this makes her laugh.

"Well, the bride was ecstatic. Finnick was very happy, the way he looked at her… there was no question how long he had been waiting for this."

I smile big but then I think of Johanna and I sigh deeply. I look back at Ivy, who is still standing far. "How was Johanna? How did she do?"

Ivy sighs and walks towards the lake, removes her shoes and wades in the water. She looks down to meet my eyes and shrugs. "She did okay. I could tell her eyes were fixed on Annie, and she did genuinely look happy for her. She even got teary eyed. It was clear to everyone that she genuinely loves her. As soon as the ceremony was over, the kitchen crew rolled in that magnificent cake!" she announces happily because she knows I made it. I laugh. "I mean, if people were tense over the pink elephant in the room, that beautiful work of art, disappeared it." She says encouragingly.

I laugh. "What the hell does that mean, pink elephant in the room?"

Ivy laughs and throws her head back as she spins while still wading in the water, playfully extending her arms to her sides. I feel a little mesmerized by her and force myself to look away "I have no idea." She laughs. "I just know it refers to awkward tense and obvious situations that no one talks about." We both chuckle and nod. "Anyway Jo, Annie, and…" she suddenly stops and looks at me a little nervously. I questioningly raise my eyebrows. She clears her throat and continues. "And Katniss, walked over to the cake and seemed mesmerized. Annie began jumping and shrieking in excitement and she threw her arms around Johanna. Johanna smiled and kissed her. That was the last time I saw her. I'm certain she left after. Annie didn't notice anymore."

I nod and I think about Katniss. There something unsettling about the idea of her admiring my cake before being summoned by me. I think about our conversation but I force it out of my head. "How was Finnick?" I ask instead.

"Like I said he was happy." She stops to splash some water with her feet and then she looks back at me. "I could tell he was avoiding looking at Johanna."

I sigh deeply. "I didn't think she'd stay and I tried looking for her but I can't find her..."

Ivy interrupts me. "She probably wants to be alone."

I smile at her. "Yes I figured as much."

"What about you?" I ask her and she looks confused. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

She smiles. "I did. They had music, one of the Seam's bands made it to District 13 so we had music from home."

I laugh. "Two District 4 Residents, Victors, Career Victors no less, married in the mythical District 13, and danced to District 12 music. Who would have thought." Ivy laughs softly at my thought. "Did you dance?"

"Yes." She tells me.

I smile at her. "With who?"

"People, Delly, Silas, Nathan, others." She says sounding a little mysterious, almost beckoning me to continue asking.

I smile at her. "I'm sure – I keep hearing District 13's most eligible young men are quite smitten."

She smiles proudly. "I hadn't heard that."

I laugh. "Bullshit." I tell her and she smiles at me and she playfully splashes water my way with her foot.

"I wish you would have been there, I would have danced with you." She says meekly. She looks off into the distance as the sun begins to set.

"Remember the first time we danced?" I ask her and she looks shocked.

"Yes, do you?" She asks me genuinely surprised.

I laugh. "Of course I do."

"I'm sorry – I just, don't know how much you remember." She says honestly.

I'm surprised to hear her say this because it hadn't occurred to me that she wouldn't know the extent of my memory loss. "I remember everything about you." I say seriously because her memory kept me sane in my darkest moments. She stares intently at me when she hears the seriousness in my voice.

She finally smiles and looks away again. "We were fourteen, school social, I was the town's pariah, and I was being bullied. Both girls and boys were being mean to me and that stupid dancing game. Of course they were going to call my name so that I could go to the center of the dance floor and no one was going to want to dance with me, instead I heard a lot of name calling, had all sorts of things thrown my way…" She stops to look at me and I can actually see tears in her eyes. "I was so proud my only plan was to stand there and take it and not let a single tear fall, to show them that they were not going to break me. Not the best idea because it really hurt. Then, you walked up to me and I didn't know what you were going to do or say but I would have never guessed dancing…" She starts to laugh and the tears start to fall. "You gently held my hand" She gestures her hand in front of her as if I were holding it again. "You placed your other hand around my waist and I finally caught on, so I placed my other hand on your shoulder" Once again she position her other hand on my imaginary shoulder as it now rests in the wind. "and we started dancing" she begins to sway back and forth in the water. "until everyone finally shut up."

She begins to sing the words to the song that was playing and continues swaying in the water and I can't help the tears that start to burn my eyes.

"How clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun

Want to feel your warmth upon me

I want to be the one"

I'm so touched by the sight of her that I pull myself up and wade into the water as she looks at me while she continues to dance alone, singing the words. "I'm so tired I can't sleep. We are screaming inside but can't be heard" My hand reaches out to her hand and slip under her other so that she can rest her hand on my shoulder, and I place my other hand around her waist pulling her closer to me than I did when we were 14. She smiles at me, she continues to sing. "I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose, clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose." She rests her head on my shoulder and the feeling is peaceful. I smile. We sway back and forth in the water and I focus on her voice and the feeling, which is total contentment. When she stops singing, we keep swaying back and forth, and then we stop swaying, and then she pulls her hands away from my hand and shoulder and instead she embraces me and I respond by wrapping my arms around her in kind.

"after we were done dancing, you took me by the hand and walked over to Delly and we sat down to talk. Then Nathan, Silas, and Madge walked over to you and we talked all night. You didn't let go of my hand, and you became my friend, you never let me go. Don't count on me letting you go, not ever."

I don't know how long we just hold each other but I notice that she's staring at the distance with a smile on her face. I look and I realize that she's looking at the sun set in the horizon, that beautiful orange. I look down at her and I see how the light illuminates her long red waves, setting them aflame somehow. I bring my hand over to one of her locks of hair and twist it around my finger. She looks up at me and smiles. She then stands on her toes and nuzzles her nose to mine and I'm completely hypnotized by her. She pulls back a little and stares at my lips and she leans up to me to brush my lips with hers. I feel like I've stopped breathing. I'm suddenly so nervous, not even my night with Johanna made me this nervous. She pulls back and gently looks me over.

"is that okay?"

I stare gingerly at her. "I don't know – I mean yes – but Ivy, I don't want to hurt you, and I'm a mess."

She responds to me by leaning towards me and kissing me again, this time it's not a cautious invitation, she has more intent. She expertly takes my lips in hers and softly massages them, she even playfully nips at my bottom lip. This time I respond somewhat but I'm still too nervous to let go of my inhibitions. She pulls back a little and embraces me tighter and whispers into my lips. "It's okay Peeta, I'll wait for you, I don't care how long it takes."

I press my forehead to hers and I begin to feel warmth spread from my chest. "Ivy – I don't want to disrupt your life, you have so much going on right now, so much more than you ever did, and you shouldn't wait for me." I realize as I say it that I hate saying it because a part of me wants to be with her, to rekindle the love that I had for her that I still have for her. I guess, there is reluctance in my voice or she must see the expression of my face and how much it hurts me to say it because she envelops her arms around me again and lays her lips on mine, this time deepening her kiss. She works her way through my lips expertly and with her tongue she breaks through some emotional barrier of mine because she seeps all reluctance from my mind and I begin to respond. My hands work their way up into her hair and the back of her head and I press her towards me. It's like I've found that beautiful routine of ours, subconsciously I know what she likes, the way my lips know to maneuver with hers, and I melt with her. I run my hands down her arms and can feel goose bumps on her skin, which makes me smile because I know it's not the warm weather outside. We kiss endlessly, well past after the sun has gone down. When we pull apart, I realize that we are on our knees in the water. We both look down around us and smile, I actually feel drunk off our kiss. I press my forehead to hers again and I breathe her in and gingerly press kisses on her lips again.

"Sorry, I felt weak in the knees and I think I pulled us down." She says to me and I open my eyes and only then I see the hunger in her eyes and I suddenly feel my all consuming desire for her. I take a deep breath because I can't handle that right now. I pull us back up and I step out of the water and step on the grass again. I extend my hand out to her and guide her out. I pull off my jacket and put it on her. I throw my arm around her shoulder and guide us back the district. As we walk back she continues to talk to me about school as I hang on to her every word, while placing kisses on her temple. I walk her back to her compartment and she lets me in. She immediately pulls me into another kiss that I can't resist but I pull away.

"Ivy."

"Hmm" she whimpers into my lips and I smile.

"I have to get back, I can't handle more than this right now." I say to her and she nods understanding. "Also, I want you to really think about this, if I'm worth all your trouble. I've hurt you enough."

"Peeta…" She interrupts but I have to say it.

"I'm so sorry Ivy – I betrayed you, and I made promises that I had no intention of keeping." I look at the floor because I feel ashamed. "I made you believe in me and I didn't deserve it. If I could promise you anything right now I would but I can't because my mind is shot."

"What do you feel for me?" She asks.

I look at her and wonder if I should say it but I realize that I owe her the truth. "Everything" I say desperately and her bottom lip trembles, I can tell that she suppresses a smile. "Ivy – your memory kept me sane in my darkest moments." I confess to her and her eyes grow wide again and I can tell she's trying to contain giddiness. I can't help but laugh nervously and she finally lets a soft laugh escape her.

"Peeta I'm not looking to relive what we had, we were so young and naïve. Plus, you and I are no longer the same. Yet we still have these feelings for each other. You and me have always been tied together, we choose each other over and over again. If you feel like a pariah, I'm the one that is choosing to dance with you now. And it's not out of gratitude but because for some reason I'm still happiest with you, the idea of you and me, us. It's still my biggest dream."

I can't help the tears the pierce my eyes and I reach out to her with my hand and pull her towards me again, she gladly kisses me again, so sweetly, passionately, and beautifully. I finally pull back and I brush my thumb across her lower lip, which makes her inhale sharply.

"I'll be back another time." I manage to say and she chuckles a little.

"Okay. Good night then…" she says leaving the words linger in the air in hopes that I chose to stay.

I smile at her. "Yeah – it's probably best that we take this slow." I say to her and I pull her back in for a kiss that only intensifies more. This time when we pull apart I finally feel my blood pulsing through body and it makes me laugh. "Good night." I open the door and step out without taking my eyes off her. She slowly closes the door and I'm left with a beautiful hot feeling in my stomach. I smile and walk back to my quarters. I step inside and find Nathan sleeping on the sofa with a book over his chest. I walk into my room and I find Johanna sleeping in my bed. After not finding her anywhere else earlier I thought she would end up here. I put on pajamas and get ready for bed. I'm actually surprised she's sleeping. I walk over to her and I see a bottle of morphling on my nightstand.

"Damn it Jo." I put the bottle away so that she doesn't find it again if she wakes up in the middle of the night. I climb into bed and I scoop her into my arms. I begin to think about what Gale told me the day I hit him. How harmless is me sharing a bed with Johanna? My mind wonders back to Ivy and my body instantly wakes up with desire for her. I smile at the sweet aching feeling. I can't stop thinking about her and the last thing I remember is the sound of her name leaving my lips.

I wake up to the sound of shuffling in my room. I open my eyes and find Johanna going through my things.

"Looking for something?" I ask her groggily.

She glares at me. "Where are the pills?"

I sit up and pull them out of my dresser drawer. "Seems to me like it's an obvious spot to look, if only your mind was clear, you would have found them by now." I say sarcastically and she yanks the bottle out of my hand. She opens the bottle and takes two pills. "Pace yourself, you won't get a refill on demand."

She smiles devilishly and I raise my browse to inquire that grin. "I don't but someone else gets them on demand." She says triumphantly.

"Who?"

"My new roommate."

"Excuse me?" I ask really confused.

"Coin called me to one of her offices before the…" She suddenly looks somber. "the wedding yesterday." She stops and swallows the pills, it looks painful. "She let me know that for reasons of space and practicality she can't waste all the space I have for just one person so she assigned me a roommate."

I laugh at the thought of Johanna willingly cohabiting with a roommate.

"Why are you laughing?"

"The idea of you and a roommate." She stands up and starts to nervously pace around the room and she offers me a tight reproachful smile. "No offense, but, roommate implies friendliness, tolerance, acceptance… I mean unless they serve you a purpose I don't see it working out. No worries your roommate will be begging for a transfer. You'll have your own space in no time."

She smiles again. "I'm not sure that I agree with you. This roommate will serve a purpose." She rattles the bottle full of morphling pills.

"Oh great…" I say feeling disappointed in this outcome.

"Wait." She presses on. "Yes she has the goods, but, huge but, she's also Katniss Everdeen."

I stare at her in disbelief. "Are you fucking with me right now?" She nods no and throws me the pill bottle.

"Check the label"

I read the label and sure enough, the prescription is for Katniss. I look at Johanna feeling shocked and protective of her. I'm not sure that I like the idea of Katniss around Johanna. "Why the hell would Coin do that?"

Johanna lets out a macabre laugh. "My thoughts exactly. I was so pissed I couldn't contain my mouth and I told Coin that she must really want me or Katniss dead." She laughs again. I look at her with concern. "I walked back to my compartment and she was there with her mother and her little sister settling in. You should have seen the look on her face, at least she wasn't happy about seeing me. I held my tongue in front of her family and on my way out I found her pills."

"I really wish you would get help for this." I rattle the pill bottle again. "I don't want you to end up like Haymitch. You were doing well, I know that yesterday was hard." I tread lightly because I know she's hurting. Sure enough she shoots me a deadly look.

"You said it, the pill ride I took yesterday was a result of that. I'll get back on track." She walks back towards me and bounces on the bed next to me. "So – last night, I tossed and turned a bit, and every time I would embrace you" she looks me intently in the eyes. "You called out for Ivy."

I'm startled and I look away instantly. I look back at her and she has a big smile, she crooks one of her brows to inquire further.

"We had a moment." And I can't contain the smile that tucks at my lips, the feeling of it surprises me so much that I even cover it up with my hand and then I laugh at my coyness. I feel stupid.

"What happened?" She asks genuinely curious and she looks happy about it.

"We kissed." She looks annoyed at me because I know she wants details. "I asked to speak to…" I stop short because I don't want to talk to Johanna about my meeting with Katniss yesterday. "Anyway – since I couldn't go to the wedding yesterday, John gave me clearance to go outside. It was nice, and I guess John didn't want me out there alone and he allowed Ivy to join me."

Johanna laughs at this last part. "Yeah, I'm sure that's it…" She then looks at me. "Anyway, continue."

I look at her quizzically. "Anyway, we talked, we laughed, we danced… and we kissed."

"And?" She presses on.

"And – nothing."

"Are you serious, that girl has been pining for you, for how long now, close to two years. Don't be cruel."

"Shut up. I'm not ready for that." I say nervously.

She looks at me oddly, then a seductive smile hits her. She turns to face me and runs her hand across my chest and I look away from her. "Trust me, you're ready. You showed me how ready you are for that." She says both playfully and seductively. I look at her again and I can see in her eyes that she's serious. I quickly grab her hand and pull it off my chest.

"Jo stop. What happened between us was amazing, I needed it so badly, as badly as you did, but we can't go there again." She looks at me cynically. "Jo, what happened between us was very physical, right? Nothing more?" I ask her because what Gale said to me after I hit him has been plaguing me. What if this is more for her? Is she going to end up hurt because of me? I know I don't want that.

"Peeta – I needed a distraction from my shattered heart. I needed a release, physical release. I trust you more than anybody. I have needs and I've missed feeling that way, sexually." She looks at me seriously. "So no Peeta, I'm not in love with you nor do I want more than just fucking from you." She laughs.

I look away from her and laugh cautiously to erase my own tension over the topic. "Okay, I just wanted to make sure. I know what you mean; I needed exactly that when we turned to each other. Ivy – is never just physical."

"There's history, intimacy, and maybe even love between you." She finishes for me as she presses her head on my shoulder.

"Yeah – and the thought of all that is scary after what I went through and what I put her through last time – I can't just jump into that again."

She smiles demurely at me. "Did you want to?" She asks sweetly.

I feel an exasperated sigh escape me and I let myself fall back on the bed. "Yeah!"

She lays next to me and presses herself next to me. "You'll get there Peeta, you will."

"I hope so."


	29. Chapter 29

p class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst"I've been doing my military training and John is pleased to know that I handled it better than expected. I haven't had a single episode during training. Clearly, it has a positive effect. I have had episodes in the privacy of my compartment. Luckily Nathan, Silas, or Johanna have been there to make sure I don't hurt myself. We figured out that the moment I start to feel the intense level of anxiety that storms in my mind before a full on attack, I take a sedative to minimize my psychosis. Other than that, I'm a functional resident in District 13. I feel normal at times, especially when I'm with Ivy. I actually have the opportunity to spend time with her. Not to mention, residents are increasingly allowed to go outside. Johanna told me that, Katniss has been tasked with mapping safe hiking routes above ground. Coin has people walk out there with her and begin laying in paths and signs. It's strange that sometimes when I'm above ground with my friends or just Ivy, I find myself thinking that in a strange way Katniss is leading the way. The thought is unsettling and I'm not sure why. I haven't talked to her since our supervised meeting the day of Finnick and Annie's wedding but I have seen her in passing around the District. I always catch her looking at me and she quickly looks away. After she looks away, I sometimes get flashbacks of moments in our shared past, where I would catch her studying me while I wasn't looking. I hate that these memories come with feelings, and I especially hate that these particular ones warm my heart./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" /p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"Today, I've been summoned to my first classified meeting with the other Victors. I'm nervous as hell because if seeing Katniss wasn't bad enough, I'll have to stomach Haymitch. I'm taking extra sedatives just in case. I'm happy to know that John sits in these meetings, at first I thought it was because of me, but I realized that all the Victors are deranged. I'm actually glad that Johanna spend the night with me last night, something about getting ready together puts me at ease. We head to the meeting room, or war room as Johanna calls it./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Are you nervous?" She asks./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Yes. I don't want to see Haymitch." I respond./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What about Katniss."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I smile. "I think that goes without saying." She laughs. "Speaking of, how's your roommate."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She raises her brows. "Not too bad." She says and I laugh and realize that she's serious./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "You just like her pills." I feel a pang in my stomach because the idea of Katniss now being an addict doesn't sit well with me. I always end up pushing the thought out of my head because it makes me feel bad./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Yeah – but we have more in common than I thought."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Please – spare me the details." I say to her seriously./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "No worries, we're not going to be best friends any time soon. In fact last night we had a bit of a tiff, which is why I came looking for your bed instead." Just then we walk into the room./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I immediately spot Haymitch and I can tell that he tenses up. I literally feel sick to my stomach but I quickly assess that it's not an attack, it's just him. So I look away. Johanna than grabs my hand and pulls me to one of the chairs and she sits next to me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Katniss sitting at the opposite end of the table and I actually don't know what to do. Should I acknowledge her? I mean I have spoken to her. So I decide to look her way and she's already looking at me. I nod, and that' all I can offer her. I look away and I see Gale, our eyes meet and we respectfully nod at each other. I notice that he squeezes her hand and I feel something piercing at the pit of my stomach. I look away and focus on Johanna./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I speak in a low voice so that only she can hear me. "I thought for sure you'd make us late."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She grabs my hand and only then do I realize it was shaking. She leans into me kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear. "Relax."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Just then Finnick walks in with Coin and Boggs behind him. Finnick looks between me and Johanna, and he instantly looks tense. For a wonder, Johanna actually looks sad, and it's my turn to squeeze her hand back. She looks at me and smiles sheepishly. We stare at each other as everyone settles around us./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Welcome Peeta." Coin announces and she startles me. I look at her and I see that unnatural tight smile on her face again./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Thank you."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"Then John walks through the door looking frazzled, his eyes meet mine, and he offers me an uncomfortable smile. He sits down and he can't contain the glare that escapes his eyes as he meets Coin's gaze./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "John you're late." Coin reproaches him./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" He laughs, but it's not his usual good natured laugh, this laugh is cynical. "Well Coin, I had a lot to swallow today."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Johanna lets out a laugh and I shoot her a look./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Coin turns her attention back to me. "Peeta – I know you're going to be pleased, you are getting your first assignment today." She genuinely looks happy./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She's right, the news do make me happy. "Really?" I say cheeringly, I look at John. "I'm ready?" I say in disbelief./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Then I notice the uneasy look in his face. "Peeta…" He begins./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "John doesn't agree." Coin interrupts him. "But I've read your medical updates and your military performance reports, they're stellar. Not to mention your unit is crazy about you." She smiles at me. "After all you saved District 13, you are their hero."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I guess, that matters more to me than anything, does Lieutenant Boggs and my fellow soldiers think I'm ready?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Boggs looks at me and quickly responds. "Yes, I do Peeta."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "John." Coin calls to him. "I am taking your concerns very seriously. Peeta will go on three month missions and return. He will maintain regular assessments." John nods looking defeated./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "John I'll be careful." I say hoping to reassure him./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I'm going with him right?" Johanna asks./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Coin smiles. "Of course, as will Nathan and Silas." She says and I nod at her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Where will we be going?" I ask./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "You will join Lieutenant Paylor from District 8. She will meet with your unit in District 7."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"Upon hearing this Johanna lets out a happy laugh./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I'm going home!" She lets out a happy scream./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Yes, the mission will begin there only for a week, tops two. After that you will continue on to 8 and follow Paylor's orders. While you're there, Peeta you will have different accommodations because of your attacks. I understand that they are well under control but it's just precaution. Johanna will share your private quarters since she can soothe you if necessary." She smiles./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I tense up when I hear her say this and I look around and I realize that everyone looks uncomfortable because there's something malicious about the way she's talking about this. "Aren't those details trivial?" I shoot back at her. "Or is every detail about the Victors discussed in these meetings?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Peeta…" Coin begins but I interrupt her./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "with all due respect Coin, I just thought we would be talking about important things."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Your health is important, and Johanna is a big part of your recovery. And yes, we discuss a lot of details about all of your lives." I look around and see Haymitch, Finnick, and Katniss – none of them look like they are present. "Which brings me to my next point, Johanna are you still on birth control? Because now more than ever, it is imperative that you are on birth control while you stay with Peeta."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I am actually shocked and I look at Coin and then Johanna. Johanna is just staring at her, clearly trying to figure her out. Mine and Johanna's eyes meet and I feel embarrassed because, unlike our last conversation with Coin, we can't say that we don't have sex, even if it was just once./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Coin continues. "Just like last time we had this conversation it is a must if you are to share quarters. I will not risk a pregnancy."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "If you don't want to risk a pregnancy - why send her then!?" Katniss shouts at Coin./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I observe the look in Coin's eyes and I realize that she looks satisfied. This pointless conversation was all at Katniss's expense. To makes matters worse, I see Finnick staring sadly at Johanna. /p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I decide to change the subject. "What will Katniss and Finnick be up to?" I ask. "Or are they staying here?" They both look at me./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Coin smiles. They will be in 7 too before they take off for a longer mission. Don't worry, it won't be 8. I realize that Katniss is bad for your health so I will keep you apart." She says staring at Katniss./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I glance at Katniss and I see that she's staring coolly at Coin, clearly there's animosity between the two./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I feel angry because I have that old familiar feeling that Katniss and I are being used, again. Only this time, Coin is clearly trying to turn us against each other. Then it hits me, I am against her, through no fault of hers. I stand up. "I don't know how these meetings usually go but I was expecting something more serious. Coin, you don't have to worry – I will take every precaution necessary, to ensure everyone's safety. " I take a moment to stare at her and for some reason I feel defiant and it thrills me. "Including Katniss." I turn my attention towards Katniss and offer her a genuine smile which actually makes her jump a little, I even see her eyes light up. I look back at Coin. "She is the Mockingjay after all, and you all went through a lot of trouble, and walked over a lot of people - including yours truly, to get her here." I catch a glimpse of Haymitch and he's smiling approvingly at me. "As for me and Johanna sharing a bed and all this talk about birth control, she's on it, just like every other woman her age is." I start making my way towards the door. "And – you can add my expert pull-out method to all the different types of birth control you want to throw Johanna's way. I perfected it in 12, contraceptives were forbidden." I actually see Gale laugh. "Was there anything else?"Coin is startled by my brazenness and she just stares at me. "If not, with your permission I will get back to my unit for training."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She nods stiffly. "No, Peeta, you're dismissed." I get a glimpse of Johanna looking at me as she winks approvingly at me, I step out and head back to training./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Silas meets me by the entrance. "Hey Mr. Big Shot, how was the big exclusive meeting?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I shrug "Mostly bullshit, talk on birth control, whether I'm fucking Johanna is still in question, her choice of birth control, so I mentioned my expert pull-out technique."/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Silas starts to laugh. "Are you kidding?"/p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "No I'm not, I got the hell out of there as soon as I could." I look at him intently in the eye. "Also, I have my first assignment. I'll be joining you and Nathan in 7." I say./p  
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Silas smiles and pulls me towards the first training station for the day./p 


	30. Chapter 30

As I get ready to deploy, I become increasingly anxious and nervous. I notice that I am pushing my physical boundaries. Oddly enough, I am trying to put on as much weight as possible and as much muscle mass as possible. I begin to fear being captured again, it occurs to me that I will kill myself before I let them take me again and that I refuse to go down without a fight. This logic is the reasoning behind my obsession over my physique. I can't stand the idea of being weak or being impotent to protect myself. The idea nauseates me. As I clean myself off after a day of long training, I look at myself in the mirror and I shudder. I see the difference of me, now a 20 year old young man to that 17 year old boy that entered the quell. My body is not the same, I still bear most of the scars from my captivity, but I'm also twice as strong as then. Without a doubt age has also matured my body, my adolescent stocky frame evolved somewhat, largely because I grew more but with height came broader shoulders as well, which only appear broader due to the amount of muscle mass I have added on. Everyone around me is impressed, especially my doctors because they still recall the emaciated boy they brought back to life. But for me, no matter how many inches I gain, I'm in constant fear that it's not enough and that I will need more to defeat my enemy.

Aside from these insecurities, no doubt every solider faces their own anxieties, I'm looking forward to meeting Lieutenant Paylor. I've sat in meetings where she teleconferences in, and I like that she stands up to Coin, always for valid reasons, she is constantly pushing diplomacy, something Coin has no patience for. I've gone to the library and accessed books on it and it makes perfectly good sense to me. It's my understanding that the missions I will participate at this point is to subdue small resistance operations that Snow continues to send into the rebel districts. Sometimes, he will coerce District residents into joining his peacekeeper soldiers; Paylor's approach would be a lot more effective than just killing them on the spot. I find a book that interests me because the author is from this century, further he was a District 13 resident. I like that while underground, residents have continued to flourish to the best of their abilities. The author's arguments are excellent, profound, and he offers great insight on the condition of Panem. I read the book until I reach the last page. I turn to the last page and I drop the book, I'm so startled. I pick it up and look at the author's name again, how did I miss it? The author's name is Karl Undersee, more alarming he is the spitting image of Mayor Undersee.

"Madge." Her name escapes my lips in a whisper. "Oh, Madge…" For some reason I get hit with the waves of bad premonitions I used to get during my short affair with her. I remember realizing how clandestine she was, how at first I thought she was just involved in orchestrating the District's uprising, but then I somehow had a feeling she was somehow tied to more, especially when I confirmed that she was not joining the secret meetings where Silas, Nathan, or Ivy were participating. My alarm clock rattles me out of my deep thoughts and I remember I have to attend another meeting. I throw on a simple t-shirt and pants, no one has really clarified if I'm supposed to attend these in my soldier uniform, but I don't care. I run my hand through my damp hair and run out the door with the book in hand. I want answers.

This time, when I walk in I'm not nervous and I don't need to feel reassured by Johanna. I take the first seat I see close to the head chair; I feel that I have to look Coin in the eye, to discuss my friend Madge. I don't even register that Katniss is sitting right across from me until I find myself staring into her eyes and I jump a little.

"You didn't recognize me did you?" She asks me.

I'm startled to hear her talk to me. "Of course I did, I just didn't see you." I say flatly and for some reason her eyes look hurt when I say this. I give her a confused look and this makes her look away. I see Gale walk in and take a seat next to her. Our eyes meet and he nods and I nod back. I suppose after breaking his nose we won't be on talking terms any time soon. Johanna walks in and sits next to me.

"Hi roomie." She sarcastically greets Katniss, who in turn shoots her an aggravated look. Johanna then looks in Gale's direction and shoots him a devilish smile. "Hello handsome." Gale just gives her an indifferent look. "You two have a lot in common." She addresses both of them. "Brooding personalities all around – no wonder you avoid each other. You know Gale, I thought for sure I'd see you in our quarters every day, hell at least every other day but you haven't come by once, you haven't spent the night over once and Katniss is there every night, needing something to appease her foul mood. I hope I'm not keeping you away." For some reason this gets my attention, I look up at Katniss is just glaring at Johanna and when she sees me look at her she blushes and looks away. I don't know why but hearing that they don't spend time together or the nights together makes me feel relieved, as if I cared. I shake the idea out of my head.

"What are you getting at?" Gale shoots at her.

"Nothing." Johanna says innocently. "Just think it's odd since you're cousins and all…" Gale just glares at her.

"Just ignore her." Katniss advises Gale and I can see that Gale just swallows his words and looks away.

Johanna then turns to me and sees the book in my hand. "Oh honey, I know sitting through these meetings is a bore, since it revolves around the Mockinjay's best camera angles, but you just can't show up with a book and read while Plutarch goes on and on…" I laugh because she is right, why do these meetings have to involve all of us.

"I have some questions about it." I answer her.

Johanna smiles sweetly at me. "Ahh Peeta, I bet you were a great student." She says mocking me.

"Shut up" I say trying to suppress a smile, I don't want to encourage her. She then reaches out with her hand to run it along my arm as she admirably looks me over. I notice that Katniss observes her from across the table.

"Did you work out today?" She changes the subject.

"Yes." I say

She smiles. "Mmmm, I love how every muscle on your body protrudes after your workouts, I'm spending the night." She declares.

I nod no but before I can say anything, I hear Gale try to suppress a laugh and I shoot him a dirty look. I look back at Johanna "Behave." I tell her and I push her hand away, just in time because Finnick has walked in the room with Haymitch. It's getting easier to see Haymitch, I still hate him, but I no longer get murderous thoughts at the sight of him. Finally, Coin, Plutarch, and Boggs arrive. After they sit down, I begin my inquiry.

"President Coin, with all due respect, I have a few questions I'd like answered before we jump into the Mockingjay's latest propo ideas." I realize I say this with a mocking tone and I notice that Katniss winces when I say it but I continue.

Coin crooks her eyebrow and nods. "Go ahead."

"I found this book in the library, and I'm not going to discuss the subject" I look at Johanna and she smiles. "I have more questions about the author." I offer Coin the book and she takes it from me. She sees it, nods and flips to the back of the book and opens it up to the picture of the author. She nods again.

"I recognize it." She tells me. "I knew him, he was a prominent District 13 resident, a true revolutionary. Someday all of Panem will know about him"

"His son…" I begin to say but before I can finish she interrupts me.

"Yes, Peeta, you knew his son."

I feel chills throughout my body and I feel tears pierce my eyes. "If all of Panem will know about him, they should know about the rest of his family, his son, and his granddaughter."

"What's going on?" Katniss asks. For some reason I feel sad and I can't find the words to explain, thankfully Coin does, and she should she clearly has all the answers.

"Mayor Undersee, was not from District 12." Katniss and Gale have her full attention now and they nod. "He was sent to usurp the District, to begin planning a rebellion. Obviously, we needed spies and to wait on the opportunity. It took decades, his father was a scholar, his views influenced his son's decision to take part in the change that he dreamed about his whole life. He was younger than you when he left and made his way into the district."

"That's why Madge had the maps to get to 13." Gale interjects, I look at him, and I see tears pooling in his eyes.

"That's correct Gale. Did you all know her?" Coin asks me, Katniss, and Gale and I notice how haunted they look.

"We did, it's probably the only thing the three of us now have in common, we loved her." I say exchanging heartfelt glances with them and when I say this Gale's breath speeds up and he closes his eyes clearly suppressing pain. I turn my attention to Coin. "Did you know her?"

She nods "I spoke to her a few times, she would spy on our behalf. I'm not sure that there is more to explain Peeta. Undersee was incredibly brave for immigrating into 12 in hopes of achieving something."

"Why 12?" I ask her.

She smiles. "Because 12 is our neighbor."

I nod and chuckle a little as I wipe my tears. "I suppose that's practical enough… no one would pick 12 for any other reason."

Coin nods. "It's exactly why you and Katniss blew everyone away. Nobody expects anything out of 12, and then there you were, you two were the match that lit the long awaited flame." I look up slowly and Katniss's eyes are already

on me. My chest actually feels tight and for the first time I can hold her gaze without feeling undone or stressed. Like it or not, we are bound together, yes I now put limits on that bond and it will never be like before. I can only appreciate that we pushed over the momentum that led to a revolution, and that is all I care about, that is as much of a connection as I want to her.

Katniss reaches out and grabs the book, she flips to the back of the book to look at the picture, upon seeing it she covers her mouth and tears escape her.

"Haymitch, did you know about this?" She asks him.

"Yes." He says sadly.

"Of course you did." She says in disgust.

"Sorry sweetheart, I was not going to jeopardize his identity and mission just to appease your feelings. He had a whole family to think about…" He protests.

"Peeta, is there anything else you want to know before we continue?" Coin asks.

"No." I say because what else is there to know. I feel distracted for the rest of the meeting, which is not a bad thing since they are going on about another propo. No one looks more disengaged than Katniss, I look at her hands and I notice that they're trembling, I also notice that she snuck at least six pills in one hour. More importantly, I feel haunted by the memory of Madge, my sweet clandestine Madge. When the meeting is adjourned I make my way out and I feel someone squeeze my hand I turn around and see Johanna.

"You okay?" She asks.

"Yes." Just then I notice Gale and Katniss approach us. I lean against the wall, for some reason I feel like I can tolerate them right now. Johanna takes my hand again, in anticipation of an attack I'm sure.

"I can't believe it." Gale says.

I look at him and nod. "I know – I felt like I hit a wall when I saw the picture, I then checked the name and I put it all together. Although.." I stay quiet for a moment.

"What?" Gale inquires.

"This revelation confirmed a suspicion I had – I'm not sure that it surprised me like it did you." I look at Gale and at Katniss and their eyes inquire more. I stare off into the distance and I can see the memory so clearly. I get chills again and I can't suppress the smile that comes to my lips at the thought of my closeness to Madge and how happy she made me. "That week of the blizzard, when we were together." I stop to look at them and I guess we all know about our affair and for the first time it doesn't feel tense to talk about it openly. "She knew a lot about getting around the surveillance in my house, she opened up to me in a way she never had before, she told me about her family life, she told me about her aunt, and that she had given you the mockingjay pin." I point out to Katniss, she nods. "I realized that she's very secretive, she pushed us away, she kept her distance if she could help it, and she only sought you out Katniss. Yes she was close to me and my friends but she preferred your company."

"Yes, that would be suspicious." Johanna says and Katniss shoots her a dirty look.

I can't help but laugh. "Katniss she's not entirely wrong, she loved you very much, but you weren't going to go around asking questions about anything."

Gale laughs at this thought and it only makes Katniss scowl more.

"Anyways." I continue "I asked her why her family was getting around surveillance in her house, it didn't make sense. Her family was completely broken, it's not like they were trying to hide intimacy or seek privacy… I pointed out a lot of other things that she knew about. She shut me up by telling me that her secrets were the most valuable things in this world and that she wasn't going to go exposing them. I knew she was hiding something big related to the uprisings." When I say this, I see Katniss's eyes grow wide and she composes herself again.

"I have to go see my mother and sister." Katniss announces and she rushes off leaving me, Johanna, and Gale standing around.

Gale just stares at me before he can say anything I offer him the book. "It's a great book – it explains a lot about Madge's character. It's the only thing we have left of her." I say to him.

He takes it. "Thank you." Then he walks away.

I make it back just in time for Social Hour and I'm happy to see all my friends in my quarter. Johanna ended up going back to her quarters, I worry that she is now seeking Katniss for purely pill reasons. I walk in, I'm greeted by Ivy's kiss, and it instantly makes me feel warm. I throw my arm around her shoulder and let out lips linger longer than I've been allowing lately. When I pull back she looks both pleased and surprised. We gather in one room and I proceed to explain what I uncovered. We cry, laugh, and proceed to reminisce Madge. Everyone starts to call it a night and say his or her good nights but I'm still lost in thought.

"Are you okay?" Ivy leans in and talks into my ear. I put my arm around her and bring her closer to me.

"Just sad." I look into her eyes and I feel so grateful that she's alive, that we're alive. "I don't want to be alone right now." I confess to her.

"I'll stay with you."

Just then Delly calls to her from the door. "Are you coming Ivy?"

"I'm going to stay back a little longer." She says to her and with that, Delly leaves.

I stand up take her by the hand and lead us to my room. When we walk in Ivy smiles.

"What did you have to do to get the honors of having your own room? She asks playfully.

I smile. "Well - suffer psychosis among other things…" I say playfully and laugh and she does too.

"You're doing great." She says to me and I nod. I walk to the foot of my bed and sit down.

"Thanks to you guys, and you, especially." I say to her as I reach out and grab her hand. I admire the rest of her, she's wearing a pretty button down dress that flows around her torso.

"What?" She asks.

"It's funny to see those grey jumpsuits gone, who knew variation was a big deal?" I say laughing at the thought, no one ever cared about clothes in 12, we were all lucky to have them, but assigned wardrobe in 13 really threw District 12 refugees through a loop. But since we have been doing well with the war, we have more access to other materials. She offers me a smile. "You look beautiful." I surprise myself when I pull her towards me and sit her on my lap.

The moment her body crashes into my body, I feel something warm in my chest. She boldly looks into my eyes and I know that she's trying desperately to tear down the walls that I built around me. Since that day above ground, we are trying again, but we haven't experienced anything as close as we experienced that day. She leans into me and grazes my nose with hers, she tilts her head and just barely grazes my upper lip with hers, she then uses her tongue to lead my upper lip between hers. The sensation instantly warms my whole body. For some reason, thinking of Madge all day today has left me feeling vibrant and joyous to still be breathing. I eagerly take her lips with mine while cupping her face with my hands. My tongue hungrily laps for hers, which makes Ivy moan softly into my lips. We kiss hungrily for a long time, and when we finally pull away for air, I finally feel how much I'm aching for her. We both stare greedily at each other, take a deep breath and our lips crash together again. I let my hand run up and down her legs, she lets out a frustrated groan, and she pulls away and begins to lay hot open mouth kisses along my neck. She focuses on a pulse point on my neck and it feels impossibly good. My hand runs up her belly and I run my fingers up to he exposed neck and chest. Our eyes follow my fingers and she looks me in the eye, she doesn't have to say it she wants more. She then proceeds to push me back with one of her hands so I begin to follow her lead by pulling my body on the bed. Ivy proceeds to crawl over my moving body, staying in close proximity to me while pressing her mouth to mine, each time gently lapping my tongue with hers. It's incredibly sexy. Once I rest back against my headboard, she sits between my legs, throwing both her legs over one of my legs as she leans her back against my other leg that is bent and resting against the wall.

She takes my face with her hands and brings me back towards her lips. I gladly kiss her again and I love feeling like this, the position she's in, gives me full access to her. I happily pull back to find easy access to her neck, which I hungrily ravish with my mouth. I run my hand back down to her neck and I run my hand down to graze her breasts above her dress. She moans excitedly, and I can feel a smile stretch across her lips as she presses them against mine. This light and playful energy doesn't stay with us for long, before I know it, I feel nothing but red hot passion for her. Our hands hungrily claw for each other; I begin to unbutton her dress exposing her soft full bare breasts. The position we're in allows me full access to explore her as I uninhibitedly let my hand roam down her body. Once again I graze her legs only this time I pull her dress up and I reach between her legs. I actually jump when I feel the heat radiating from between and then my fingers feel the soaked fabric between her legs, further the wetness that has transpired onto her inner thighs quickly transpires onto my fingers. I feel nervous suddenly and I pull away.

"I'm sorry." I begin to apologize because I fear that she may not want this, which makes no sense considering her physical response to me and that she's pushing for more.

But before I can pull away too much she grabs the hand that I pulled away from between her legs and presses herself more to my body, my eyes meet hers and she pulls me in with her steady and reassuring gaze. Her beautiful emerald green eyes are burning for me, and I feel even more aroused than I felt before and my body relaxes again. She calmly and confidently takes my fingers, which are wet from her, pulls them towards her lips and takes one of my fingers into her mouth. She closes her eyes as she sucks the tip of my finger, clearly enjoying the taste of herself on my hand. I feel gratifying chills run through my body and I long for her. She pulls my finger out of her mouth opens her eyes to look at me again.

"Please… touch me." She whispers her plea to me.

My mouth crashes to hers and my tongue desperately searches to find any lingering trace of her arousal in her mouth. I desperately reach my hand back between her legs and I move the fabric of her underwear to the side. I love the desire I feel as my fingers gently stroke the outside of her folds, the heat and the moisture that glides between my fingers and her skin is intoxicating. I reach my hand further back, where I begin to feel the curve of her bottom, I let my fingers roam around the curves of her and she moans happily into my mouth. Her desire begins to show as she decorously laps my tongue with hers, urging me to give her more. I finally let my forefinger, middle finger glide into her folds and the wetness that expels from her center astounds me, and I have to pull away from her lips to watch her. As I do I see her close her eyes and throw her head back against my knee. I begin to slowly stroke my fingers up and down her folds, spreading her wetness and the more I do this the more moisture I feel flow. I'm completely mesmerized by her as she's sprawled out before me, between my legs. Her breathing is sharp and faster as she softly moans. After a period of doing these gentle strokes, I bring my fingers towards to the top of her pelvic mound, where I gingerly use my fingertips to press on the top of her folds while pulling on them in a circular motion. When I begin doing this, her eyes fly open and her mouth opens to gasp for air and the satisfaction in her eyes is arousing. With my other hand, which is resting around her shoulder, I move down towards her exposed breasts and gently run my palm over the flesh of her breast and her now eager nipple. Upon contact, she lets out another moan, which only invites me to another hungry kiss. Her breathing is increasingly sharper and I let my middle finger enter her folds again, landing right on her clitoris, where I continue to gingerly and expertly rotate the tip of my finger against it, barely grazing it. She's about to pull back from the overwhelming sensation but my other hand holds her to my lips, she exhales sharply right into my mouth and I tremble at the feeling of her hot breath against me. Her moans are increasing and her breathing is more and more erratic. I push my fingers further down her folds until they fall into her entrance. I press my palm back against her mound and gently circulate it once again massaging her, I pull my lips away from her and our eyes hungrily stare at each other, I finally let my forefinger and middle finger enter her, and she instantly throws her head back as she feels my fingers penetrate her, gliding inside of her. If I didn't think this whole experience could get any hotter, I once again feel even more wetness escape her, which makes a delicious sound every time my fingers gently thrust into her, while alternating to my circulating her mound with my palm. I can feel the inside of her increasingly tense up and I begin to alternate by gliding my fingers all the way out to glide across her clitoris back to the inside of her. I love feeling her excitement as evident on her increasingly swelling folds, I pull back and realize how much I've missed our intimacy, watching her whole body thrash around me because of the pleasure I can give her makes me incredibly happy. With my other hand I begin to gently stroke her cheek, her neck, and I let my hand caress her breasts just the way she likes, as I bring my hand back towards her cheek, she squeezes her eyes shut and I feel her unravel at my hand. I love feeling the powerful pulsing contracting between her legs, I soak up the sight of her body pulse in waves of pleasure as she lets out her gratifying orgasm, I feel so pleased I feel that I may come undone just with the sight of her. Her breathing is erratic, her body flushed, not just her face but her breasts and nipples too. I pull her face towards me again and hungrily kiss her; it takes her a moment to catch up with my pace, I slow down and pull away. I reposition her body so that her back is leaning back against me as she sits between my legs. I wrap my arms around her shoulder and she leans to the side to look up at me, so that she can kiss me. As she pulls away, I realize that my hand is soaked from her, and I hungrily bring my hand to my mouth and eagerly taste her. She settles in between my arms and sighs, sounding spent.

"You're so sexy." She tells me

"Me? You are… too much." I tell her sincerely. "You are so beautiful, you're my goddess." I say to her and this makes her laugh triumphantly.

"Peeta we don't have to stop … I want more and if you're ready" She begins to run her hands up my thighs and I instantly feel nervous. I grab her hands with mine, pull them off my legs, and hold them before us. She takes a deep breath and doesn't finish her thought.

"I'm sorry, Ivy, I don't…"

"It's okay, I understand." She says quickly as she presses her cheek against mine, with this gesture I wrap my arms around her, with her hands still in mine. "It's okay." She mumbles into my beard. "You don't have to explain." I look down at her and she offers me a sincere and loving smile.

"Ivy, I do want you, I'm aching for you, I know you can feel it." I whisper into her ear, and she knows, she must feel my arousal pressed against her back. "The weight of your body against it right now is making me ache for you even more. I want you so badly" When I say this I notice that she inhales sharply and I see goose bumps spread across her chest. " – I'm sorry if this is frustrating for you or confusing. I'm just scared of hurting you somehow and that I won't be able to handle it. For what it's worth, this piercing desire that I feel for you, is absolutely beautiful, I would gladly feel this every second of everyday because it's amazing. It gives me hope, happiness, and it makes me feel human." I take a deep breath, relax, and revel in the aroused state I'm left in, and somehow we fall asleep, despite our desire. For the first time in years, Ivy sleeps in my arms again.

The next morning I wake up and I see Ivy's beautiful red hair sprawled across my chest. I sit up gently and she doesn't wake up.

"I hope this lasts Ivy." I reach out to her and gently caress her cheek. I attach my prosthetic and stand up.

I enter the common area and find Nathan sitting on the sofa reading the Undersee book. I remember that I have it to Gale yesterday. I rub my eyes to make sure I'm seeing correctly. Nathan looks up at me.

"Morning." Nathan tells me.

"Morning." I say back. "How did that get here?" I ask him

"I found it on the coffee table this morning."

Just then, Silas opens the bathroom door brushing his teeth. He smiles at us both. "Hey guys."

"Hey." I respond to him as I flip through the pages. "I was just asking Nathan how this book got back here."

"Gale showed up last night to drop it off."

"Did he read it?" I wonder thinking that there is no way he read through it that quickly.

"I think he wanted an excuse to come talk to you." Silas calls from the bathroom as he finishes brushing his teeth." He comes back out and continues. "But talk about bad timing, I was just about to doze out when I heard light knocking, I figured it was Johanna or something so I jumped out of bed to let her in."

I interrupt him with a grin on my mouth. "Really, you jump when Johanna comes knocking…" I say teasing and Nathan chuckles.

"Shut up." Silas tells us. "Anyway, it was Gale, last person I wanted to see."

"Obviously." I say to him as I keep reading passages in the book.

"He wanted to know if he could see you. I had literally just said, I would check if you were awake when we heard a beautiful orgasm come from the direction of your room."

I instantly slam the book shut and I look at him. "Oh for fuck's sake…" I say feeling exasperated. "Ivy is still in there sleeping, I don't want you to say a damn word Silas, I fucking mean it."

"Anyway" he continues. "I obviously told him it was not the right time. He actually asked who was in there – nosy asshole. I told him that he could be certain it wasn't Katniss Everdeen so mind his own business."

I look at him in astonishment. "Was that really necessary?" I ask in awe.

"Fuck him, I don't care."

"You're unbelievable" Nathan tells him.

"You know who is unbelievable, you Nathan. You didn't come back last night." For some reason he looks right at me nervously but he recovers.

"Oh, I walked Delly to her room and we stayed up talking, we fell asleep."


	31. Chapter 31

It's finally the day of departure and we're a mix of emotions – anxiety, eagerness, even excitement, but especially fear. I feel so fortunate to be in a unit that includes Silas and Nathan, but I also worry that my presence somehow puts a bigger target on my unit. I've gotten to know the rest of the unit, well, and they are great people. The other day, I addressed my concerns over my presence and they all insisted that fighting for Panem's future along my side was an honor. It's comforting but at the same time, I hate knowing that they could pay a high price because of me.

There there's Delly and Ivy, they are simply terrified. We'll be separated for the first time since they arrived and since my arrival. Over the last couple of days, Ivy and I barely make it to our rooms as we try to earnestly possess each other with kisses and touches, only to have her break down in my arms again and again. At least I haven't had to worry about my anxiety over being intimate with her since we don't even come close to that, she cries herself to sleep in my arms. As for Delly, there's not point in her or Nathan denying it, they're clearly involved with each other. It warms my heart to see this relationship bloom between them and at the same time, I'm terrified that they could lose it.

Coin has organized cameras for this departure, they usually don't do this but this war is also a war of media. This departure is huge, since this time, four Victors will be participating in the revolution, and it's not just for propos. I was surprised when I learned that Katniss has not completed military training, if all she was doing was propos it would make sense, but in a war zone it's inevitable – you get pulled into the fighting and she certainly has.

Silas, Nathan, and I make it to the training center and meet up with the rest of our unit. Johanna is already there, I can't believe she's early. When she sees me she runs to my arms with excitement.

"Wow – look at you. What has you so excited?" I ask genuinely curious.

"I don't care if a stay away in 8 for years, two weeks or one week in 7 will make it all worth it. Wait till you see it." She happily throws her arms around me again and I embrace her. As I hold her I catch Silas looking at us. I know I tease him about Johanna because of their similar sense of humor but I have noticed that he genuinely tries hard to get close to her, to be her friend, and unlike everyone else – he isn't intimidated or put off by her. He seems charmed.

We stand around and we see the cameras roll in led by a young woman and two individuals wearing special camera suits, Capitol technology I'm sure. I actually feel sick seeing it. I turn away, I have no doubt that the cameras will be all over me, but I don't want to look at them right now. Suddenly I hear my name being screamed over and over again. I look around frantically and Johanna does too. Then I see them three individuals, one with pea green skin running towards me in excitement. It takes me a moment to understand what, no who, I'm looking at. It's Katniss's prep team, Flavius, Venia, and Octavia, minus Cinna. Right before they reach me to throw their arms around me, I react.

"Get the hell away from me!" I shout at them. Then I feel Johanna pulling me back by my arm as she stands between me and them. They look horrified and everyone is now looking at me.

Boggs comes running towards us. "What is going on?" he inquires as he too steps between me and them, creating yet more distance.

"Lieutenant, I was very clear the day you rescued me from the Capitol, I am not going to let anyone dress me up and make me up like a damn clown! And I meant it." I don't take my eyes off them and they continue to shrink back.

Boggs approaches me. "Peeta look at me." I finally do and he looks serious. "They are not going to make you up. They travel with Katniss for the propos, that's why they're here. It's not for you and I promise you again, they are not going to touch you."

I feel reassured and nod and walk away. I can hear them murmuring behind me, apologizing to Boggs and explaining that they just wanted to say hello because they are happy to see me. I turn around and I see them crying. Something in my gut tugs at me and I feel sorry for them. Did I overreact?

"Peeta, don't worry about it anymore, come on let's get moving." Johanna starts pushing me away.

When we're finally sufficiently far away I turn to her. "How does she do this again, lend herself to this little media war? Parade around like the fucking Mockingjay when she doesn't actually do anything with the soldiers. Does she even want the revolution? You know I do remember that she wanted me to run away with her, Gale, her family...when we were in 12." I begin to pace around angrily.

"Come on Peeta, don't judge her too harshly." She says.

I'm startled to hear her say this. "Are you kidding?" I say.

"No I'm not. Look, we've all had our own experience throughout this nightmare, and you said it, we're pieces of what we used to be before our Games." She says to me and she looks away back in the direction of the prep team. I turn and I see Katniss approach them, she embraces one of them. I look away, and if I'm honest I feel a little guilty over my reaction.

"I realize that I lost it when they approached me, I wasn't expecting it…" Johanna smiles at me, she looks amused. "What?" I say defensively.

"Always a softy deep down inside." She says. I roll my eyes at her. "So you remember that she wanted to cowardly run away at the mention of uprisings huh?" She changes the subject.

"Yeah." I look back in Katniss's direction.

"Just curious, what did you say to her?"

"What?"

She smiles at me. "When she wanted you to run away with her because of the uprisings – what did you say?"

I suddenly feel embarrassed and I try to suppress my laugh. "I said I would." I mumble to her. She begins to laugh. "Shut up, let's go back. And – I'm not that love sick boy anymore." I say to her over my shoulder and she continues to laugh.

It's finally time to line up and take roll call, and more importantly to take an oath to fight for Panem's future. The cameras are running around everywhere and Boggs shoots them a dirty look the moment one gets too close to me, if his look didn't do it, I'm sure my glare did. I look away from them and I see Katniss in front of a random unit, it's not her unit, she doesn't belong to one. She stands there wearing a special suit, I've heard about it, but it's the first time I'm seeing it. Her Mockingjay suit. She looks vapid, lost, I can see her hands tremble, and clearly she'd rather be anywhere but here. Once again, I feel something tug at me and I have to look away. Then I see Delly who smiles at me and waves, it's a miracle that she's not crying anymore. I look around for Ivy but I don't see her. I hope she can make it to the sendoff. The more I think about it, I'd hate it if I didn't see her. My stomach begins to hurt at the thought. Just then, she comes through the crowd to stands next to Delly. She looks absolutely beautiful. She's changed so much, unlike when we lived in 12, she now loses her composure and it always shows on her face. As much as I admired her steely exterior before, her new dimensions only make her more impressive.

Boggs finally gives us the clear to say our farewells to our loved ones, the formations break and we rush to our friends. The urgency that I feel to embrace Ivy is so powerful I can feel tears in my eyes from the intensity. I walk towards her and it hits me that we are all we have left, yes we have our friends and they are family, but she's always been special to me because I've always known she would be my family, my wife, the mother of my children, and I finally realize what we are trying to get back every time she tries to break down my walls in the privacy of our bedrooms. When I reach her, I feel so happy to finally realize this that I bend over and wrap my arms around her hips and lift her off the ground and spin her. She laughs, regardless of her tears. When I finally stop, she leans down and sweetly and intently kisses my lips as she caresses my face with her hands. When we pull away, we stare at each other.

"I love you." She tells me.

I feel so much happiness. "I love you too." I tell her and she bends down again and kisses me again, as I slowly let her body slide down, until she's standing on her own two feet.

 **Katniss POV**

I don't have to travel far to hug my mother and my sister. As always they are nearby in case I crack up and they look terrified. I know my mental state and addiction doesn't ease their worries. I hate that I can't even look at the disappointment in their faces, I actually want to rush this so that I don't have to keep hanging on to them and letting them down. I feel sick to return to 7. It was so beautiful and I went and ruined it by blowing apart what was left of my friendship with Gale. It appears that he has forgiven me and moved on but every day I feel him inching away from me more and more. Going back there will only remind me of that, once again my thoughtless actions ruin yet another beautiful possibility. My mother begins to talk to me about taking care of myself and maybe trying to cut back on my prescription dose and I begin to tune her out. Instead, I start to daydream about running away and hiding out in the beautiful forests of 7.

I feel my mother nudge me so that I can begin moving towards my craft when I see him. I see him, Peeta, he has a genuine sweet smile on his face and it takes my breath away. It actually makes me smile, but then I feel the wind leave me when he rushes to her, he lifts her in his arms and spins her around. She leans down and kisses him. I can't even walk anymore, I'm just staring at them and my whole body begins to hurt. The familiarity of their kiss, like they've been kissing their entire lives, and I guess, for all I know, they have been. They look completely uninhibited, I then clearly see him mouth the words to her, _I love you too_. I finally have to inhale through my mouth sharply and I finally have enough sense to turn around so that I don't look at them anymore. I feel chills throughout my body and it hurts because it feels like little needles are stabbing me throughout my chest. I cover my mouth because I think it's still hanging open. Just then I see Finnick approach me and he quickly embraces me. I press my face to his chest, open my mouth and silently scream into it.

"Very good, let it out." He tells me because he must have seen that beautiful romantic scene and I can tell by his voice that he has a smile on his face, which can only mean one thing, there are cameras around. I feel sick suddenly but maybe it'll pass. I pull away to take a deep breath but it doesn't make things better. I throw up instead.

"Very nice." Finnick tells me sarcastically, I look at him and frown. "Nothing to see here, just some pre-performance jitters." He tells the people around us. Thankfully, Prim and my mother stepped away.

"I can honestly say I don't give a damn what they think." I tell him referring to the crowd.

"Katniss." Prim comes rushing to my side with water in her hand. I take it from her and I'm embarrassed that she had to see that. She looks down at my vomit and I realize why she's staring, there are countless of pills in there. I begin to resent that my body hadn't fully absorbed them so that I could reap their effects, and then this thought makes me feel like shit, it's a never ending cycle of shame. Finnick finally nudges us along.

"Come on ladies, clean-up crew will follow shortly." He says.

I look up and I find Coin staring at me, she nods disapprovingly but with a smile in her face. This angers me more than anything else because I'm clearly meeting her expectations, and her expectations of me are close to none. It's interesting, Snow believed that I could accomplish anything I wanted and I hated him for putting me in that position, and Coin believes I'm nothing more than a good model that can shoot an arrow and that's about it. I can't decide which one I hate more. I look in Peeta's direction and thankfully he finally put the redhead, Ivy, down and he's hugging Delly now. Silas and Nathan are talking to Ivy.

"Where's your wife?" I ask Finnick.

He nods sadly. "She couldn't make it. She had a bad episode yesterday, she knows where I'm going and she's terrified, she shut down. It would be easier if Peeta or Johanna were around, like they have been in the past, but that's not possible this time."

"Well, Peeta will only be gone for three months, you know he'll be there for her." I tell him.

He looks frustrated when I say this. "yeah, that's the last thing I want, Peeta comforting her…" He abruptly stops what he's saying.

I hear an edge and resentment to his voice and this confuses me. "What's the problem? Since when don't you like their friendship?" I ask him.

Finnick looks at me thoughtfully and he's clearly trying to figure out what to say. "Never mind – it' stupid I'm kind of jealous, is all. He's so close to her now, and he's close to Johanna too – the two women I love more than anything are now closely tied to him." He nervously runs his hand through his hair. "Like I said it's petty and chauvinistic and I'm not proud of it."

I actually laugh. "Please, you are being silly. From what Johanna tells me they're family now, he's not going to make a move." I laugh at the thought because it seems so… dishonorable. "Besides, Johanna told me that Peeta can't stand being touched… "

Finnick laughs in disbelief. "She said that?" He says sarcastically. "Yeah – trust me he's past that."

I look towards him again and he's embracing Ivy again, whispering into her ear as she eagerly hugs him back. I feel sick again and I look away. "I guess you're right – do you think they're… together – like that?" I ask, feeling stupid.

Finnick looks in their direction as if he didn't know what I was talking about. "Oh, don't worry about that and you shouldn't be thinking about that either."

I'm about to inquire about his confusion when I see Prim approach Peeta.

"What the hell is she doing?" I feel furious.

Finnick looks t my sister and laughs. We observe them and he seems relaxed around her. I would lose it he flipped out on her the way he apparently did with my prep team. Instead, he has a soft smile on his face, he even hugs her, and I feel that stupid warm feeling spread across my chest. When they pull apart they keep talking and then I hear her laugh, that same childish, carefree laugh she always had. She's as tall as I am, and not done growing, but she still has that beautiful laugh. I hope she never loses it. I can see that it makes Peeta happy to hear it. She then turns around to look in my direction, and I feel nervous. I also get a deja vu feeling when his eyes look in the direction she's looking, and our eyes meet. I close my eyes because I'm transported back to that New Year's day fest. When I open them, Prim is running back towards me and she envelops me in an embrace. She's laughing and she sounds excited. I look in Peeta's direction and our eyes meet again. I can't look away, just like that fest a girl, this time Ivy, distracts him and pulls him away from our gaze with a kiss. Only this time I don't dare look away. When he pulls away his eyes still look for mine, and I'm here. In the meantime, Prim continues laughing, while jumping up and down in our embrace. She finally makes me look away when she pulls away.

"You are not going to believe it! Do you remember the New Year's day fest from like five, six years ago?" She asks.

I laugh. "Yes I do, actually. What makes you think of it?" I ask genuinely curious and I wipe away a tear from my eye.

"I went to say good luck to Peeta and he couldn't believe how much I've grown. He said, that when he thinks of me, he sees that little girl that ran to the baker's stand during that fest. I laughed, and I said to him, how happy I was that night, especially because I won a whole two pounds of sugar cookies! Do you remember?" She asks excitedly.

I laugh. "Of course I do." I'm about to tell her that I was thinking of that very same day when she interrupts me.

"I said to him, that I couldn't believe you had actually paid for a ticket in the raffle after you had lectured me about not spending my goat cheese money."

My smile leaves me and I'm confused. "Prim, I didn't buy you a ticket I thought you used your money…" I begin.

She interrupts me again with her laughter. "I know! Now I know, you didn't buy a ticket and neither did I! Peeta rigged the raffle. He said he emptied out the raffle box and filled it with tickets containing only my name on it."

I'm in awe – the happiness the sight of a happy Prim, is a cherished memory and of course he made it possible. I look up and his eyes are there. I stare at him and I can feel the tears pool in my eyes until they can't be contained anymore. The love that spreads from my heart throughout my body is astounding. I can't stop the tears that flow from my eyes, only now I don't know if they are tears of joy or remorse, or nostalgia, maybe everything. I whisper in her ear. "If only that had been the only time your name was picked from a raffle."

She hugs me harder. "Katniss please don't give up – he loves you, I know he does. He just has to remember."

Thankfully, we finally hear Boggs ask us to gather around the craft. Prim hugs me again and kisses my cheek. My mother rushes towards me again and hugs me and begs me to come back. I nod to her. I don't bother telling her to take care of Prim, because Prim has been taking care of us since arriving to 13.

As we line up, I look around, and I see Peeta. He must sense my gaze because he looks back at me. We nod simultaneously then look away.

 **Peeta POV**

Once everyone has entered the craft, Dr. Thrive approaches me and hands me a small case. He proceeds to give me specific instructions and reminds me to pay close attention to my levels of anxiety. I nod and reassure him that I'm not going to do anything stupid.

I walk into the craft an I'm the last one in. I see my fellow soldiers sitting and strapping themselves down to their seats. I close my eyes and I hate the sound of the straps fastening around them.

"It's okay Peeta, you and me have special seats." Johanna calls out to me from the end. I make my way back and she's sitting on a cot and I get chills because as I look at Johanna I get a flash back. I see her emaciated with a shaved head, freezing cold, ready to leave this world as I held on to her, trying with all my might to warm her up. She wouldn't remember that moment. I sit next to her as I stare at her and she must see the haunted look in my face. "What's wrong?"

"This may be the same cot we traveled on to make our way back to the Capitol. After you were sedated, you almost didn't make it, I held you in this cot, trying to will you to hang on long enough." She looks at me seriously.

She then looks away and she laughs. "How did we fit in this tiny thing?"

"We were in bad shape." I say to her.

I sit on the cot and lean against the wall as she sits next to me and wraps her arm around my arm. I kiss the top of her head, feeling grateful that she's here


	32. Chapter 32

As I hold on to Johanna I look ahead of me and I see countless soldiers peering at me. I feel self-conscious because I don't fit in, try as I might every aspect of my collaboration consists of special treatment. I can't even fly like the rest of them. As I look around, I see Finnick staring at Johanna. I still feel guilty every time I see him. I quickly look around and I find Katniss's steady gaze on me. I think back to Prim, and remember that New Year's fest again. My noble gesture puts a smile on my face and I'm happy for the memory. Then I realize that Katniss is smiling at me, probably brought on by my smile, which was not intended for her. I nervously look away. I then see Nathan and Silas, sitting together. They're talking among themselves, Nathan laughs at Silas's comments. It makes me smile because I love that Silas hasn't lost his nerve and sense of humor. Then they see me and smile my way. I instantly feel reassured and I feel like I belong. I finally close my eyes and I fall asleep.

I wake up to the sound of Lieutenant Boggs's voice announcing our arrival. I don't feel Johanna in my arms anymore, she's sitting up on the edge of the cot looking out the window. I reach out and grab her hand. The moment she feels my hand a smile spreads across her face.

"Ready to show me your home?" I ask.

"Yeah – I am." She tells me.

We stand up and line up with the rest of our unit. As I make my way out the door, I see Katniss sleeping on her seat. Then I see Gale shaking her to try to wake her up. It's taking him a long time to get her to react.

"It's probably the morphling, it induces heavy sleep, great way to tune out." Johanna tells me as she smiles.

Once again I feel that unsettling feeling I get every time I hear about Katniss's addiction problem. I look towards the door and I have to cover my eyes from the bright sunlight beaming through. As I close my eyes, it happens, I get another flashback. I quickly grab Johanna's hand and squeeze it. Then I see it, I see Mrs. Everdeen letting me into her kitchen, she's crying and she hugs me. She's upset about the Quell. She tells me that she wants me to Mentor because that way Katniss and I can both return together again. I remember that she told me how Katniss would never survive without me, she's too much like Haymitch and will surely give up, just like him. She needs me.

"You okay?" Johanna tugs at me.

"Yeah." I take deep breaths.

"Are you having an anxiety attack? Do you need a sedative?" She asks nervously.

"No, no – I'm fine." I look back in Katniss's direction and she's on her feet now, clearly looks shaky and very groggy. Gale has to hold her up. I turn to face Johanna again. "I'm fine, I just had a flashback. It wasn't violent or anything, just a random memory."

Johanna looks at me suspiciously and looks back at Katniss. "Right… Did she have anything to do with it?"

"No actually, her mother." I begin to explain but her laughter cuts me off. I look at her inquisitively.

"Her mother – Sorry, I just remembered that she told me how your father was in love with her."

I look at her for a second and I realize that this is true. I hadn't thought about it once. "That's right – I knew that. I hadn't forgotten, I just hadn't thought about it."

"The women in that family are a curse to yours." She says.

This makes me laugh, I know it's inappropriate but I can't help it. "My mother would have agreed with you."

We finally exit the craft and I'm instantly in awe. The moment Johanna steps off, she lets out a sentimental sigh. She's so moved that when her feet are finally on the ground she has to squat down to catch her breath. I see her put her hands on the soil and then desperately claw through the soil to hold it. I bend over and lift her back up. She looks up at me and she has an expression in her face that I have never seen before. I quickly realize that this is what Johanna looks like when she's happy. I look around again and admire the scenery, the hills, mountains really, I can even see the ocean in the distance and it takes my breath away. I hear her laughing as we begin to head towards the campsite, allowing us to take more in. When we finally arrive, Johanna is just beaming, and I smile adoringly at her. I'm so happy for her. She sees me and she runs to my arms and surprises me with a kiss. Once again, I'm bewitched by her energy and I stupidly and thoughtlessly respond because I'm too caught up in her excitement. Then I hear someone screaming to shut off the cameras and it makes me pull away and I look around.

I see the Propo team coming towards me. The woman, whose name is Cressida looks like she has something to say.

"Peeta, hi, I know we haven't been introduced. I'm Cressida." She looks flustered and I don't even have a chance to say hello. "I am going to respect your boundaries. However, as Coin told you we will need footage of all the Victors."

"What's your point I say?" Anticipating that she's going to make demands and it she instantly rubs me the wrong way.

"I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm just going to get to the point. Propaganda. I'm sure you remember that you and Katniss are the star-crossed lovers of Panem." Upon hearing this I feel my temper flare.

"Easy." Johanna hisses at me.

"Hold on.." Cressida insists after seeing the frustration on my face. "let me finish – I'm not asking you to pretend anymore, you don't have to be around that, we're not even touching on that. However, people remember that love story, not my fault. What you and Johanna do in the privacy of your quarters is none of my business but I can't have it on camera."

I'm about to protest when she cuts me off again.

"I say this for your own good Peeta. Like it or not that love story presented you a certain way, it had an effect, and if they see you making out with Johanna, of all people, you will lose credibility." She looks deadly serious and I realize that this propo nonsense is actually very delicate. When she sees that I'm not fighting her anymore she continues. "My footage of you will only include footage of you training and maybe you in battle down the line."

"We're doing neither of those things right now." Johanna interrupts her.

"Well Johanna – that's because you don't have the same restrictions Peeta does, I was filming you, remember we get to do a Johanna propo, while we're here."

Johanna's expression changes completely. "Fine."

Only then do I realize that we are not alone. I see Finnick glaring at me, Nathan and Silas standing around awkwardly and nervously, and then I see Katniss staring sadly at me. Did they see the kiss?

"We got it. It was nothing, Johanna is just excited, we don't make a habit of making out okay, relax." I say it to Cressida but I also say it loud enough for everyone to hear and I'm also hoping to appease a lot of people. I pull Johanna back and make my way towards Silas and Nathan.

Thankfully Nathan changes the subject completely so that we don't have to pick up where Cressida left off. "Lieutenant Boggs – informed as that you will have a private bunker, we'll stay with you while we're here." Then he turns his attention towards Johanna. "You'll be staying with Katniss."

This makes Johanna laugh. "Either of you want to switch?" She offers them.

"I'll trade with Katniss if you stay there." Silas offers Johanna, only he's not laughing, and I can't make out the tone in his voice. Even Johanna doesn't know what to make of his comment. Johanna walks away from us as she shoots Silas a quizzical look. The two have become friends and they usually joke around none stop.

Nathan starts moving us in the direction of my quarters and Johanna heads in another direction and I can feel tension in the air. Once we get in my quarters, Silas unleashes on me.

"What the fuck was that?!" Silas demands.

I'm actually startled. "What?"

"You making out with Johanna."

I stare at him for a moment. "That was nothing." I say cautiously. "Silas – she was excited and emotional about being home. You should have seen her, being here means the world to her…"

"No shit, I could see that. I've never seen her like that before. She looked happy."

I stare at him and I take a deep breath. "Nothing is going on between us, we're just friends."

He then looks a little defensive and there is no need, it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that he has feelings for her. He forces a chuckle but it's transparent. "Honestly, I'm just concerned for Ivy. I don't want her to get hurt again."

I take a deep breath because, while I know it's partly an excuse, he's also incredibly right. "I'm not going to do that. And I'm sorry – you're right, regardless of how Johanna is feeling I should not let things like that kiss, happen."

"yeah – otherwise it's only a matter of time before you end up fucking again." He tells me bitterly.

The reproach in his voice makes me sit on one of the cots instantly. I take another deep breath, because I realize that I'm hurting him. I think back to what Gale yelled at me that day in the locker room. I now feel ashamed because Finnick saw it, my friends saw it, and so did Katniss… I don't know why but this bothers me more than anything. "I'm sorry. " I say again.

"You don't need to apologize to me, I'm just saying…" Silas tries to steer clear of my apology.

"You don't have to hide it from me, from us." I say gesturing towards me and Nathan. "I can tell that you have feelings for her." I say gently.

He looks away and starts fidgeting a little but he meets our eyes again. "I wasn't expecting it. I felt something the moment I saw her. At first, I thought I was just a little star stricken." He nervously looks away again then he proceeds to pace around the room nervously. "I know stupid and lame. When we saw her on television over the years, I kind of always thought she was pretty, scary as hell, but pretty. But having her close by… it's stupid but I like her… I genuinely like her. A crush." He says plainly probably trying to reassure us that it's not a big deal.

"Silas I say this to you because I care, but she's damaged."

"How can you say that, she's your friend?!" he protests.

I close my eyes and breathe. "I say this to you because she's my friend, my fellow victor, my fellow rebel, fellow soldier, and even lover." I stare at him intently. "I say this because I know very well how damaged she is, trust me this is coming from someone who is as damaged as she is, and because I love her. I don't want you to get hurt, not by people like us."

"Don't say that." He says sadly.

"Silas – then there's an even bigger obstacle, and I promise you it's not me. She is deeply involved with Finnick. They're not together anymore but I know they love each other, still."

Silas stares at me as if I've burst some fantasy, he offers a tight smile. "Like I said, it's just a crush. It'll pass."

I put my hand on his shoulder. "Silas, you deserve so much – I don't know that Johanna is capable of giving you what you need, what you deserve…" He just nods and I can tell that he's chewing on the inside of his mouth, a nervous habit of his.

"Now, there's Ivy. I love you but I also love her and I don't want her to get hurt. I mean it." Silas tells me gently.

I stare at him and I run my hands through my hair and pull on it nervously. "I know." I think back to our farewell and I smile. "I told her I loved her before we left 13." I say to them and they look pretty indifferent. "Guys it's the first time I've ever said it to her." Now they look startled.

"What?!" They say simultaneously.

"You never said that to her?" Nathan asks again.

"Hell, even I've told girls I loved them, I didn't but I still said it." Silas says and I'm happy to see he's back to normal.

"Her and I talked about love before, we admitted to loving each other in passing but not like this. I guess we're grown-ups now, we're not naïve sixteen year olds anymore. It's a big deal. And I do, I do love her. I realized it today, we're about to go on a mission and who knows what will happen. And it hit me, why I'm trying so hard to be with her again, why I've always turned to her to build a future, since we were in 12." I take a deep breath. "She told me she loved me and I felt so happy, and I knew, I love her too so I said it."

"That's sweet." We all jump when we hear this, we turn towards the door, and Johanna is standing there with a smile on her face. "Come on guys, Boggs is giving everyone the day to settle in and we can go for a hike. I'll show you my home." She offers. The three of us smile at each other and we follow her out.

District 7 is absolutely breathtaking. Johanna takes into the forest and we enjoy the scenery from the trail that follows a cliff, which allows us to see the ocean in the distance. She then steers us into another path that leads to the depths of the forest. I'm shocked when we see the largest most majestic trees I have ever seen. We can't even talk we're so shocked. I watch Johanna walk towards the trees and she then proceeds to embrace the wide broad trunk of the trees. It's comical but also incredibly touching. Then I realize that she's crying, and she calls out for her dad. I see Silas step forward and I look at his face, there is no way what he feels for her is just a crush. When Johanna lets go she walks towards us and Silas places a hand on her shoulder. Her initial reaction is to frown at him and this makes me tense up in anticipation for some kind of verbal attack on her part. I don't know why but her expression softens and instead she hugs him, as if she accepted his silent offer, whatever it was, only she saw it. I relax again.

"It's beautiful Johanna." I hear Silas tell her, and she smiles.

She then pulls away and looks at me. "These are the Redwood trees I told you about." She says eagerly.

"It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." I tell her honestly and she smiles at me.

"What's that?" Nathan calls out to us from ahead. We follow him and Johanna drags her feet behind us. "You see that, in the distance, it's like an island."

"That's an old city, what's left of it." Johanna explains. "I've never been to it, it was outside our reach, it's fenced in. Come I'll show you something else. She walks us back towards the cliff and we see something both beautiful but haunting. "That was a bridge, what's left of it. It connected this area to that bay, it's not an island, well it wasn't always an island. A long time ago."

"does the Capitol use it?" Nathan asks.

"No, I don't think so. Maybe the Rebels are now, I hear there are old bases that may have been airports. But maybe it would be too risky and unstable. People really know how to ruin things." She says plainly.

"Let's head back." I say feeling nervous by the eerie pieces left of this city. I also feel sad, this city must have been something amazing, I think back to my little District, it was never much, but I still loved it and it was home, and it is now rubble. It hurts to know that I can never go back, it's not an option.

The next day we're ready to meet with Boggs and Lieutenant Paylor. I sit in a large room with the rest of the soldiers and I see Gale and Finnick walk in. As time keeps running I realize that Katniss is not around. Then Boggs enters and introduces Paylor. She proceeds to speak directly to my unit. She then addresses me and Johanna directly.

"I understand I have Victors in this unit. I just wanted to say that I cannot allow you two to do anything that will put a bigger target on your backs or your unit's."

She makes eye contact with me, holds my gaze, and I nod to her. It's the last thing I want. She then calls us all to attention and we follow her out as we begin a basic drill. We break for lunch after grueling hours of training.

* * *

Training has been rigorous this past week and it's more intense than anything else I've done in 13. I am happy to know that I have been able to handle everything, the stress of the training hasn't taken a toll on my mental health. It does cause anxiety but nothing to cause an episode. I've been diligent on taking my medications and it's helped. Just as I had expected, working with Paylor has been amazing. Although she has to accommodate me, I love that she doesn't treat me differently. She likes to sit with us and have long discussions about the politics of the Capitol and how we have to be different and not reduce our war tactics to theirs. I couldn't agree more. She likes to talk to us about diplomacy, she presses that subduing the resistance from the Capitol in the Districts has been more effective using diplomacy than violence. She has the evidence to prove it, only under her command; Capitol peacekeepers have switched sides after negotiating with her. She has easily won all of our admiration and I feel proud to serve under her command.

On the other hand there's Katniss. In two weeks, I've seen Katniss attend training sessions twice. Both times, she has been under the influence of morphling or whatever other substance she uses. I'm increasingly unsettled by her. Last time she showed up to training, I saw that my unit looked disgusted by the sight of her and I oddly felt protective of her. I had to take a walk in the woods and try to assess why she's having this effect on me. I should be disgusted with her blatant disregard to the cause and disrespect to the other soldiers, I am, but something inside of me hurts to see her like this. Each day I find myself feeling mad at her. So I avoid her that much more. It's not that my avoidance is anything new, no one expects me to stand up for her or for us to be friends again, it's an avoidance that I'm forcing on myself. It's an internal struggle.

As I arrive with my unit for our daily training, the units line up and just like before, Katniss shows up looking drowsier than ever. I feel anger rise inside of me and I force myself to look away. As the day progresses and our lieutenants give us further instructions on our drills, we hear it more and more, Katniss has passed out or has thrown up. An hour before we break for the day, I finally hear Boggs yell at Gale to just carry her back to her compartment. Gale, obeys and he carries her off in his arms. It's pathetic and I hate her for it, she's the Mockingjay!

"You okay?" Nathan asks me.

I'm startled to hear him ask me. "What? – Yeah, why?"

He raises one eyebrow at me and looks after Gale as he carries off Katniss. "Clearly you're upset. Is her condition bothering you?" He asks delicately.

I take a deep breath. "I don't know. She's making me mad and I don't know why." I stare at him and I nervously run my hand through my hair. "And if I'm honest with myself, I feel protective of her and I think that's pissing me off more. What the fuck is wrong with me?" I begin to pace around.

"Peeta – don't be hard on yourself. You remember how much she meant to you. You may not feel that way anymore but it's hard to let go of someone that meant so much … someone you loved that much."

I'm shocked to hear him say this to me. I feel a little defensive. "It's not like that anymore." I say curtly and I look away from him.

He then looks for my gaze and presses on. "I know that but you can't undo the past, consider it lingering consequences. Don't stress out about it. She has a whole team to make sure that she eats, drinks fluids, and that she doesn't overdose, okay…"

I take a deep breath when I hear him say this because hearing him say this is infuriating, it upsets me that she needs this. I look at my friend and I decide to be honest. "I remember that she was the most dependable person I ever knew…" Nathan nods in agreement. "That girl," I point in the direction she was taken. "is disgusting, the girl I knew would hate her."

"I know Peeta, but it's not your problem anymore. Don't get angry at her, have compassion for her instead. Remember, like you she survived the Games and the Quell." He stays quiet and I look at him, I can tell that he wanted to say more.

"What?" I press him.

He takes a deep breath and sheepishly looks me in the eye. "I say this with all due respect to you" He pauses again. "she also survived your imprisonment." He says sadly.

When I hear him say this for some inexplicable reason, I don't feel angry, defensive, or skeptical; instead, I feel chills and tears actually burn my eyes. I have to walk away. Nathan knows not to follow me. I decide to head to my quarters and I take a sleep aid to rest before our down time. I leave a note to Silas and Nathan and ask them to wake me up when it begins because I want to go for a hike again.

When they wake me up we head out for an evening hike before dinner. The weather is gorgeous and the energy is great. I feel better. Today is especially exciting because we are scheduled to depart in two days and we are excited with anticipation. Our hike is wonderful and Johanna was finally able to take us to town and show us her home, her real home not the Victor home. I'm happy for her and I can see that this is exactly what she needed, I know now that she will fight that much harder during our mission. We head back towards the woods and as we walk through the trail we hear screaming, arguing.

"That's Finnick." Johanna points out curiously and we head in that direction. As we clear some trees we come into view of a precipice where we can see a small lake below. I've seen this lake already, a few soldiers from 4, including Finnick, have enjoyed diving off the cliff into the water.

As we approach the voices we see that Finnick is actually standing between Gale and Katniss. Finnick is actually holding Katniss back.

"Oh please, Finnick let her go, what is she going to do to me in that condition? Try to seduce me again…" Gale says bitterly to them.

"Fuck you Gale!" Katniss shouts back as she tries to break free from Finnick.

Finnick looks beyond frustrated with her and so he pushes her hard causing her to fall to the ground, this makes her stand up and she slaps Finnick across the face. Johanna responds before Finnick even knows what just happened, she's hurling insults and she begins to run at Katniss. I react quickly and I wrap my arms around her and lift her off the ground to turn her away.

"Jo calm the hell down, this is none of your business." I say calmly.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Finnick all but wipes her ass on these fucking missions, and she's going to treat him like that!" Johanna protests.

"calm down." I insist. I then realize that neither Katniss nor Finnick are saying anything anymore. I hold on to Johanna until I can feel her steady breathing and I know for a fact that her heart isn't pounding anymore. I finally let her go and she pushes my arms away. She walks towards Finnick.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine – Katniss is just having a tantrum, a drug induced tantrum." He look bitterly at Katniss.

I can't help but stare at Katniss and I guess my disgust must show because she clearly looks ashamed; which makes me question just how high she is. She looks more sober than she did in the morning. I look at Gale instead and he's just staring angrily at Katniss. I guess I'm not the only one disgusted with her behavior, I look at Katniss again and my feelings must be blatantly clear because this time Katniss goes off on me.

"Who the fuck are you to look at me like that?! You think you're better than me! You are more fucked up than all of us combined!" She then actually tries to charge me and this time Gale and Finnick stand between us.

"Are you fucking crazy!" Gale yells at her. "You could set him off…"

"You hear that Peeta! You're a fucking time bomb waiting to go off – you are so fucked up and you are going to look at me like that!"

Finnick and Gale are not entirely wrong, I am livid now.

She continues to scream at me and she even begins to cry. "You have no fucking idea what it's like for me every day! What it was like for me while you were gone! You don't even fucking care…" She reproaches me as if I owed her something and she manages to break free of Gale and Finnick and she reaches me before anyone can stop her. She pushes me and upon impact I finally feel like I've boiled over. "Do you know what it's like to want to die every fucking day!" She shouts in my face as she pounds her fists into my chest.

I then do something that I didn't know was in me. I am beyond furious, but this confrontation doesn't trigger an attack, probably for one reason only. I am convinced that she really is trying to set me off so that I can attack her and I'm not going to give her the satisfaction. After all she wants to die every day. It's all happening so fast and I'm surprised by my quick rationale. Before anyone can do anything I grab her by the wrists with one hand and I rush towards her forcing her to walk backwards. I look into her eyes and she looks panicked when I come close to the edge of the precipice I push her off, into the lake below.

I hear everyone scream simultaneously, it all happened so fast that no one reacted nor did they have the time to try to stop me. I look over and I see Katniss's body crash into the water and she sinks under. The satisfaction that comes over me may be the most gratifying sensation I have ever felt. I instantly feel calm. I then feel Gale push me as he swears obscenities at me but I'm more distracted by Finnick, who looks like he's about to dive in after her and I'm not going to let him. I quickly run to him to stop him. We end up wrestling around the floor in my efforts to keep him from jumping after her. I'm shocked that I can overpower him so easily.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" He screams at me.

I am stunned by how calm I am. "Finnick, stop, I'm not going to let you go until you stop." I feel him finally relax and I let him go. We stand up and I realize that Gale looks paralyzed with fear.

"I have to get her!" Finnick shouts at me. He proceeds to run away from me and head down a trail that leads to the lake.

Gale just stares at me and he's about to say something to me, protest I'm sure, but I interrupt him. "If she wants to die, this is her opportunity." He looks stunned and decides to run after Finnick instead.

I'm finally left standing with Silas, Nathan, and Johanna.

"She's swimming towards shore." Johanna tells us as she looks down.

I smile. "Of course she is."

The three of them finally run after Finnick and Gale and I calmly walk after them.

When I finally make it down to the shore, Finnick and Gale are holding her up. She's gasping for air as she continues to cough and spit water. I stand around calmly. She looks up and her eyes meet mine. She looks unforgiving and I can't help the sinister smile that spreads across my face. She manages to break free of them again, she charges me, and she starts to pound against my chest, I realize that she's very weak, if this is really her best effort she's in bad shape and I can't help but laugh at her.

'You bastard!' She starts to scream at me. "I could have drowned!"

I finally grab her wrists again and pull her towards me so that we're facing off. "I thought you wanted to die." I say cynically to her. "Sink or swim – you chose to swim." I laugh again. "Really Katniss, I don't remember you ever being so melodramatic."

Then something happens, I look into her eyes, they are furious, aflame, and the gray of her irises look almost a steely silver. The most random and unexpected thought hits me - her eyes are absolutely beautiful. I realize that I know these eyes, they once meant everything to me, and I used to crave the day when I could look into them in this proximity. Upon thinking this my tight grasp softens up and all the fight leaves me, yet my heart actually start to beat faster. The fire in her eyes now looks tame and I know has to do with how close I am to her. We just stand there, face to face, staring at each other and I can tell that she's not fighting me anymore. I realize that she's standing there because I'm now gently holding her wrists in my hands because I want to feel her close to me, and if I didn't know better, I would think she wants nothing more, I can see it in her eyes. She has missed me.

I suddenly hear her voice in a far away memory, desperately screaming for me time and time again. Then I become aware of her breath against my face, and I take my time to really take in her face again. I've avoided it for years now. She's not the monster I see in my delusional nightmares. Something hot begins to build in the pit in my stomach and it's sending a piercing sensation throughout by whole being. I finally look away from her eyes and stare at her hands. I gently set them down to her sides and let go slowly. I feel incredibly nervous, suddenly and I feel very vulnerable. I want to leave as soon as possible. The expression in her face is completely transformed, it's as if she were in a trance and she softly observes me. There's nothing threatening about her anymore and yet I feel completely vulnerable to her prey. I start to pull back slowly from her and I finally pull away from her gaze and walk away.

As we head back to camp there's only silence, how did such a highly charged situation turn to a palpable tension that is still drumming in my ears. I then hear Johanna and Silas whisper behind me.

"What the fuck was that?" Johanna asks.

I hear Silas chuckle. "Really Johanna, you didn't know what that was?" He says menacingly and it grabs my attention because he's talking as if he knows something obvious when I'm not even sure why I feel so unsettled by that confrontation. I keep walking but I listen closely. "Jo, Jo, Jo – that was foreplay."

I stop on my tracks and turn to look at him. They all stop and stare at me. "You don't know what you're talking about." I protest to Silas, I am deadly serious. "Don't you ever fucking joke about that."

He stares back at me. "I'm not joking Peeta – I know you." He says to me.

I feel defeated somehow so I realize that it's not worth pursuing. I decide to walk away instead and they know not to follow.


	33. Chapter 33

**Katniss**

District 4 is brutal. For all its beauty, it is lethal. My close relationship to Finnick has made me forget that this is a Career District, and that means they reaped the benefits of being a Capitol favorite, so tearing down the Capitol is note their heart's desire. Since the Quell, District 4 has fallen only to be reclaimed by the Capitol more times than we can count. This mission is especially hard for Finnick because it's personal yet it's keeping him focused. I haven't seen this type of fighting in other districts. This isn't a situation of Rebels against the Capitol peacekeepers, it's a District 4 residents fighting against each other. We are here to support the ones supporting the rebels and the Capitol is here to fight along with their supporters.

The thought of Districts killing each other is heartbreaking to me. District 12 was very segregated, the Seam and the Merchants, and while there was palpable animosity we would have never killed each other. My heart aches when I think of me and Peeta, how this young merchant boy was putting himself on the line for the Seam girl over and over again.

"Peeta." I whisper his name at the memory of him

"He's not here."

I jump when I hear Gale's voice and I turn to look at him. "I was just remembering District 12, the Merchants and the Seam…"

"I know what you mean, I was thinking the same thing. I admit that I was one of those that irrationally despised the merchants, but I would never…" He can't even say it. "And I know that the merchants would not have either." He pauses for a second. "Well, except maybe Ivy's father but I think Merchant or Seam alike would have gotten rid of him. There was no prejudice there." He chuckles in an attempt to lighten the mood but I cringe at the thought. He notices. "You okay?"

"It was a merchant, a Victor, that personally turned Ivy's father into an Avox before sending him off to the Capitol for a lifetime of slavery." I tell him.

Gale looks stunned. "Peeta?"

"Yes – for what he did to Ivy with those men. Haymitch told me he dislocated his jaw, cut out his tongue, and cut off his thumbs…"

"So that he wouldn't write down his assailant." Gale adds.

"No, to detract suspicion. Her father didn't know how to read or write."

Gale's eyes widen and his mouth is gaping open. He stares at me for a moment. "I would have never thought…"

I cut him off. "That he would do something like that?" I look at him with a cynical smile. "He's a trained killer Gale."

"And he loves Ivy – that kind of love… and you know how far he'll go for the people he loves."

I laugh when I hear him say this. "Yeah – willing to die for her."

"No, for you, he was willing to leave behind his love for Ivy, and die for you."

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask because it's unusual for him to talk about Peeta to me.

"I'm just pointing things out to you as I see them. That's all."

"You are pointing out something that happened a long time ago. That's not what we're dealing with now." I walk away from him and head in the direction of the camp.

Even though Finnick and I are in 4, specifically for propos, we end up fighting along with the rebels. Gale joins us, since he's really a soldier, and I guess Finnick is too since he actually finished the military training. Somehow, he's still a Victor first and foremost, a stigma that weights us down. The terrain in 4 is different, it's constantly humid and there are swamps everywhere. When we make it to the beach areas, it's absolutely gorgeous. The swamp areas do have dense but small vegetation that I would not classify as a forest or the type of jungle that was replicated in the Quell, something in between. Every night, after fighting, Finnick walks away from the battles looking defeated, I guess for him there is no winning after seeing his people kill each other. I don't believe I have consistently fought for this long before. Usually I'm in Districts for propos and staged fighting but this time, there is plenty of need and I suppose Boggs is desperate enough to throw in and risk the Mockingjay, even if I am suffering from withdrawal.

I have to say, when I'm in it, I feel strong and focused and I don't miss the morphling at all. Deep inside I believe in this cause, when I see the rebel soldiers, when I see the Districts, I am transported back to my home in the woods wishing with all my might that I could fight back, and I guess this was something I wanted more than anything. I feel satisfied at night when I go to bed and I also feel ashamed for my constant battle to stay afloat, that I'm not always completely present to support my peers. I know they look to me for leadership, for inspiration, and I lose sight of that time and time again. No wonder Peeta threw me over that cliff. I can't help but smile warmly at the thought. That wasn't a psychotic attack, that was Peeta teaching me a lesson. I saw the look in his face, he's disgusted with my dismay. He challenged me instead, sink or swim, I swam. Then I think of the feeling that spread through me when I felt him hold me close, I don't think I imagined it, a tense and highly charged moment, subdued when he had me close to him. For a moment I saw that he looked at me the way he did before, and I know that I didn't imagine him loosening his grip around my wrists. He was holding me. I feel my heart flutter with hope, but I push the thoughts away.

The next day, as we try to deliver supplies to the rebels we are ambushed by Capitol Peacekeepers and local District supporters. I'm still amazed at my ability to switch on to survival mode, which thankfully doesn't paralyze me, instead I fight back. It's clearly a natural instinct more powerful than my will power. Thankfully, Finnick stayed back in the secured base so that he wouldn't have to see this battle. It's brutal. I'm shocked that Cressida actually keeps up with our unit, me, and Gale. I should give her more credit, she's brave.

We hit a trench and take cover as we are fired upon. I shoot my arrows as the rest of my unit fires. My high tech arrows count for a lot more since they are equipped to do more damage than bullets and I make sure to make every arrow count. Gale doesn't leave my side throughout the fighting and I know he has my back just as I have his, I would never let anything happen to him. I suddenly hear Gale curse next to me, I duck down to make sure he's okay and he is. He throws his gun against the trench wall.

"What happened?!" I ask him, shouting over the bullets firing around us.

"My gun malfunctioned."

Just then Boggs calls to Gale from the other end of the trench. "Gale, see the supply box over here, we have more weapons here. Arm yourself, quickly."

Gale obeys instantly and quickly crawls his way towards the other end.

I stand up again to peak out of the trench. I notice that there are machine guns strapped to the top of a watchtower, I realize that we are not going to move beyond this point unless we take that out. If we make it out of the trench that watchtower can take us all out. I grab my long-range arrow and fire, but I know that I don't have the right angle to make a direct hit. Sure enough, the arrow completely misses and I hear an explosion go off in the distance.

"Damn it!" I look towards Boggs. "Lieutenant, I need to step out of the trench to fire at that tower. The guns we have now will not bring it down and we'll be stuck here until we get back up."

Boggs looks at me and nods in agreement. "We'll have to cover you."

Just then I hear Haymitch speak into my ear piece. I had forgotten he was there, he hadn't said a word. "Sweetheart, don't risk your life, if you have to wait for back up that's what you'll do."

"We don't have time for that Haymitch, Boggs agrees." I reply to him.

Just then, Gale makes his way back towards me and I'll be damned if he didn't have a smirk on his face. He's actually enjoying this. I can't help but smile at him. As he stands, I see that he has a bow and sleeve full of arrows, and now I'm excited. "Check it out Catnip, just like yours. Remind me again, which arrows cause the most damage?" He asks.

"Haymitch, I found my cover, Gale is armed with arrows. I can do this."

"Fine." He answers.

Then Boggs instructs me. "Katniss, three soldiers are going to come out ahead of you, wait three counts then jump out with Gale. You'll have time to take one shot, and that is it. That's an order, if you miss you come back in. Understood?!"

"Yes." I scream at him. I follow his order and I make the hit successfully, as ordered, we jump back into the trench and observe to see what happens next. We see peacekeepers and their District supporters scurry back, they are no longer firing. Boggs then orders us to clear the trench and keep heading towards the Rebel camp to leave the supplies. We follow orders. We run in perfect formation until we make the vegetated area. As we enter this swampy vegetated terrain, we slow down and begin to follow directions. Just then we hear more gun fire and once again, we have to take cover. We look at our fellow soldiers and they look scared, for good reason, while the trees here are very short, the vegetation is thick and gives us little visibility. I get chills throughout my body and it's not because I'm scared, it's because I feel sharp, vibrant, and at home. I'm hunting. I feel Gale squeeze my hand and I look at him, the look on his face tells me that he feels it too. Something exhilarating spreads throughout my body. I squeeze his hand back. Boggs is next to me and I turn to look at him.

"Boggs, let me and Gale part, we can find the shooters." I whisper to him.

"I can't allow that." He whispers back.

Just then more gun fire spreads and two of our soldiers are hit. It's hard to tell where the fire came from, which means, we may be in plain view.

"Boggs, come on, we can do this?" I insist.

"Fine – stay in touch with Haymitch. Gale, if something happens, look at your compass and give your exact location to Haymitch, you make sure you do that no matter what, even if it's the last thing you do. That's an order." Boggs commands Gale.

"Yes, sir. We won't let you down."

Gale and I find ourselves in our comfort zone. The nerves that plagued us with the unit leave us. It's not long before we take control of the situation and we are close to entrapping our prey. It's not surprising our assailants are District 4 residents, they barely know how to hold a gun, but of course it doesn't make them any less deadly. We get them to surrender in no time. We take them prisoner and we walk them back towards the next meeting point where we find Boggs. We finally start to make the final stretch of our journey towards the Rebel camp, as a plus, we took down the Capitol's ammunition from that watch tower.

After we deliver the much needed supplies, I stand around looking at the happy soldiers and I feel proud of myself. I allow myself to dwell in the moment. Then I see Gale in the distance talking to one of his fellow soldiers. He looks in my direction and he smiles at me, it's as if we share a secret, I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps, it's our undefined bond that started when we were children. We are committed to each other in the wild, it's a matter of survival, it's raw and we rarely get to experience that feeling anymore. He walks towards me and I feel excited, he's thrilling, he always has been. I can't suppress the laughter that rises from me. Then he picks up pace and runs towards me, he lifts me in his arms in an embrace and spins me. I remember the time he held me like this in that cabin in the woods before he told me that he loved me for the first time. I laugh just the same. He sets me down, and I look up at him. I feel so strong in his arms, vibrant, and I wish I could feel like this always. Then, I hear a pop, and I feel Gale tense up. His smile leaves him, and he begins to feel limp. I'm confused because I see soldiers running towards us and that's when I see his shoulder, he's bleeding, I finally register gun shots, we're under attack and Gale has been shot in my arms.

"No!" I finally manage to scream. We are quickly surrounded by our soldiers and we carry Gale to safety. Everything moves in slow motion and when I see Gale's bleeding wound, it's as if my old fear of blood comes creeping back with full force and I pass out from shock.

I wake up laying down in a cot and I quickly realize that we're on the craft. I look around and I see Finnick, sitting next to me as he stares into space. I sit up instantly.

"Gale! – Finnick is he okay, he's alive, right? He has to be…" I plead, and Finnick hugs me.

"It's okay, he's okay." When I hear him say this I feel better. I look around and I don't see him.

"Where is he?"

"He's on another craft, it has more medical equipment. Katniss his wound was not serious. It was just a graze wound. Those damn bullets have other toxins that are more risky, he's being treated for that. He'll be fine. "

"What happened?

"Peacekeepers' last effort to inflict damage. We surrounded them, they were executed. Once again, 4 is taken. Let's hope is stays that way." He says sadly and I reach out and touch his shoulder.

"Where are we going?"

"District 5."

As soon as we land I tell Boggs that I want Gale to stay with me, I want to take care of him, and I don't want to take my eyes off him. I need to be certain that he'll be okay. He is examined in the hospital and it is confirmed that he is fine. I insist that he stays in my comfy Mockingjay quarters. He'd hate it but I'll fight with him later, I want him to be safe. He is still under the effects of sedatives and he is asleep so an ambulance takes him to my quarters, which happens to be in the District Mayor's mansion. Gale is laid down to sleep in my bed. I'm so tense that Finnick insists that I take a walk to relax. I agree to it because I start to crave my morphling again.

After about an hour walk, I make my way back towards the Mayor's mansion. When I walk into my room, Gale is no longer in the bed, and Finnick is sitting in a chair looking somber. I immediately panic.

"What happened?! Where's Gale?" I feel pained, scared, and I feel like I'm going to start hyperventilating. Finnick looks startled to see me like this and he stands up to gently place his hands on my shoulders.

"Calm down, he's fine. He's doing so well that he's taking a shower." He says mockingly and I exhale sharply. This makes him laugh.

"Finnick, don't laugh. He could have died." I say almost breathlessly. "I don't know what I would do if I lost him. He's my constant." I confess to him.

Finnick looks at me seriously. "He's been in there a while – I'm going to leave you two alone." He walks past me. When he gets to the door he stops and looks at me with a smile. "Katniss." He calls to me and I look towards him. "The doctor came by to see him when he woke up. He's perfectly fine, he doesn't even have to rest…" He tells me this with a mischievous wink that makes me blush. This makes him laugh out loud. "There she is again…" And he closes the door behind him.

I can't hide the smile that spreads across my face and I begin to feel warm all over. I take a deep breath and walk towards the bathroom, I can hear the shower running. I turn the doorknob slowly and call his name but there's no answer. I slowly open the door but he's still in the shower. I walk in slowly and I just go by my gut instinct. I begin to unbutton my shirt and I remove it. I get out of my shoes and pants. I then strip my underwear off. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I look into my eyes, they're steady, calm, and more importantly determined. I'm ghostly quiet, I know it, it's my hunter's feet. I step into the shower slowly and Gale has his back towards me, he still doesn't realize that I'm here. I look him over, his tall, lean, muscular body is absolutely beautiful. I smile.

"Gale." I call softly to him and he turns, clearly startled.

"Katniss." He looks at me. "What are you doing?"

I laugh a little and I smile at him. "I wanted to make sure you were okay." I look him over again. I admire him appreciatively, he's so beautiful, I wonder why I can't just love him and him alone. "You're lucky you're not my prey or that I'm not one of your assailants, you'd be a goner." I say teasingly since he didn't hear me come in.

"I am your prey, don't you know that." He reaches out to graze my abdomen with the back of his hand and he strokes his hand back up, until he reaches my breast. "I wait for you to catch me." Then he pulls his hand back and closes his eyes. He opens them and looks me right in the eye. "Are you sober?" He asks and it hurts to hear him say this. Not that I blame him.

"I'm completely sober. I swear it." I assure him.

He briskly holds my face with his hands and pulls me towards him and looks into my eyes to inspect them, because I guess he doesn't completely believe me.

"I swear Gale, I'm sober." I brush my hands up his strong arms and outline the bandage covering his graze wound. I stand on my toes to reach his shoulder so that I can lay a kiss over his bandage. I then begin to spread kisses across his chest and the rough hold he had on my face softens. He then runs one of his hands to the back of my neck and then he runs it down my back, down to my backside, and he reaches further down to cup my buttock and upper thigh. I inhale sharply and he looks me in the eye. He then reaches for my other thigh with his other hand and he swiftly lifts me up, spreads my legs, so that I'm pressed against his torso. He then maneuvers his hand and reaches behind me to touch me between my thighs, I feel his fingers slide into my folds, and I instantly feel excited. I gasp and his lips find mine and he takes them into his, welcoming them with his tongue. He shuts off the water and steps out of the shower, carrying me in his arms.

"I don't want to hurt your arm." I say nervously.

"This couldn't possibly hurt me Katniss."

He kisses me again, hungrily, and it isn't long before we're earnestly making love. We feel that pent up tension that has been brewing inside of us for so long, it's also filled with bitterness, anger, resentment, and so much hunger. He's being rough with me, more rough than any other encounter I've had before, even with strangers, but I welcome it. When I feel his hands over my breasts, I feel the calluses the scars, the roughness that has built as a result of years of misery, and it turns me on so badly. In my deepest fantasies, even as a young girl, I craved for him to touch me like this, and I moan with satisfaction to finally feel it. I let him work out his pent up anger, desire, and I guess lust. I give myself wholly to him. There are no secretes between us anymore. I love feeling his kisses turn to rough bites throughout my body. I return that fervor in kind. At one point, he stretches me out beneath him and he sits up and he hungrily thrusts in to me, his gray eyes finally look satisfied and he finally comes undone. He then finishes me off with his mouth, it isn't difficult, the feel of his mouth on me like that in combination with the sight of him is blissful. My orgasm is strong and satisfying.

We're spent, I know it. Especially him, and it isn't long before he falls asleep. But I suddenly feel very awake. I toss and turn and I reach out to Gale, so that I can hold him. I lay my head on his chest, and I listen to his heartbeat. I get chills instantly because I realize that I want to find the comfort that Peeta's heartbeat offered me. I feel tears pierce my eyes and I sit up, because I feel like I'm about to start sobbing. I get out of bed, put on a t-shirt and walk towards a door that leads to a balcony overlooking a garden below. I step outside and I close the door behind me. I start to cry because I just made love to Gale, my constant, my best friend and so much more, and my mind and heart still go looking for Peeta. I cover my mouth with my hand because I can feel those terrible sounding sobs start to travel up my throat. I look back inside and I see Gale, sleeping calmly and peacefully, he's beautiful. I take a moment to search my heart, deeply, in hopes of finding Gale there, but instead I am met with a sad memory.

I remember Peeta talking to me after our restless night before the Quell. I can still hear his words _"I understand that living in District 12 makes you carry a lot on your shoulders. It's hard to breathe sometimes. Katniss… when you make it out of this arena…"_ I remember trying to stop his words because the thought of making it out of the Quell without him was unbearable _. "promise me that you are going to live not just survive. You'll allow love and passion in your life. You will let yourself love him because I know you already do."_ He was more convinced about my feelings towards Gale than I was about it _. "I promise – if you thought what we shared was special – you're going to wonder how you went on for so long without him."_ I remember thinking that I felt that way about Peeta in that moment, I wondered how I never allowed that passion to take over my life, how much I regretted not to allow that passion to take over us every opportunity we had. But I couldn't find the words to tell him that, and that I couldn't even clarify those feelings then. Instead, I let my body take over in hopes of showing Peeta how I couldn't get enough of him.

I'm sobbing now and I'm shaking from the ardent memory. I turn to face the room again and I can see Gale laying naked in my bed and I feel guilty all over again. I let myself cry and I'm sad to think that this burning feeling for Peeta will never leave me. After I'm spent from tears, I walk back into the room and lay next to Gale. I kiss his shoulder lightly and I close my eyes and fall asleep.

The next morning I wake up and Gale is not in bed. I sit up and look around and I can see him out in the balcony. He's standing wearing only pants. I admire his form, his beautiful strong back, his strong arms as he looks into the distance I'm sure. I smile and I stand up. I make my way out to him. I wrap my arms around his waist and I run my hands over his taut torso as I rest my had on his back.

"Morning Catnip."

"Morning. Did you sleep well?"

"Hmm – yes. It was the most restful sleep I've had in a long time." He tells me thoughtfully and I smile.

I run my hand over his wounded shoulder. "How's your shoulder."

"It's fine, it feels bruised, and that's about it." He then grabs one of my arms and pulls me around him so that I'm standing in front of him. He leans down and kisses my forehead. Then he turns me so that I'm facing the garden and he wraps his arms around me . He leans down so that he can rest his chin on my shoulder, and he spreads kisses on my neck. I can't help the light moan that escapes me. He doesn't continue, instead he looks out into the distance and we stand there quietly for a while, just holding each other, not saying a word.

He finally breaks the silence. "I want you to know that I'm not holding you to anything. I also know that you turned to me because I was hurt, and you hate it when I'm hurt." He tells me calmly.

"What?" I say defensively.

He takes a deep breath. "Last night, I realize how special that was for us, but I'm not holding you to anything. I think I'm right when I say that. It was momentous and I know we needed each other, but I also know what it's not."

I turn around to look at him and I'm very curious because I hadn't thought about it at all, I went with a feeling, acted on it, and enjoyed it. I didn't think anything more. Yet I can't help but feel a little defensive and my face must show it.

"Katniss I don't want to fight. I'm in love with you and you know that. You love me, but you're not in love with me. I know that. You came to me last night because that's what you do, when I'm hurt you reach out to me because you're afraid you'll lose me."

"Gale." I stop to take a deep breath. "I desire you, I wanted you, it wasn't a pity…"

He cuts me off. "I know that." He smiles. "I could tell." I just stare at him and he continues. "All I'm saying is that as special and as momentous as it was, it doesn't have to be more than what it was. Two friends finally giving into a feeling that has plagued us for, I don't know how long. I want more from you and I want you to know that I'm not expecting commitment from you because of what happened last night. I'm not going to kid myself so I don't want you to start walking on eggshells around me."

I nod and I realize that I feel grateful for this. "Gale, if I could give you all of me right now I would."

"But Peeta." He interjects.

I interrupt him quickly. "No, not Peeta. " I protest. " Me. I'm a mess." I bring my wrist up to his face. "I'm still walking around with this damn bracelet letting medics and everyone around know that I'm mentally unstable. I miss morphling everyday and I've lost count how many times I've tried to kick the habit. I know, with certainty, that you and I make perfectly good sense. You read my mind, we're alike." As I say this he smiles and leans in to kiss my neck and I smile at the feeling of him. "it's why we fight so much." I say laughing.

He leans back and smiles devilishly at me. "Yeah but you know that makes for great sex."

"Oh does it?" I say laughing.

"Yes." He then swiftly lifts me into his arms and carries me back into the bedroom. He roughly throws me onto the bed and for some reason it instantly makes me mad, I hate it when he tosses me like this, it makes me feel like he's throwing his physical strength in my face because I'm small. He used to do this to me in the woods to upset me, as if he was showing dominance over me and it was infuriating. I look at him and he's smiling because he knows that he upset me, but that's the point.

He slips his pants off. "That's right – get mad." His words only infuriate me more but at the same time I feel my excitement begin to pool between my legs. He climbs onto the bed and effortlessly maneuvers me on to his lap so that I'm straddling him. With another swift movement he pulls my t-shirt over my head and we're now both naked. "Come on, Katniss – let me have it." I do, once again there is nothing gentle about us. It never can be, not even our strokes, I feel compelled to dig my nails into him to get the reaction from him that I want, because somehow a gentle stroke with our fingertips won't be enough. We need more force and viciousness from each other. Once again we lose ourselves in our fury, pain, resentment, and frustrated love.


	34. Chapter 34

After months of more training in 8 we're called to District 4 to appease yet another resistance. It is my understanding that Bogg's units were just here a few months ago, I was even surprised to hear that Katniss pulled some heroic tactics, I have to admit it made me happy to hear that she did this. Yet here we are again, ready to subdue another resistance. The casualties in 4 are higher than the casualties in the other districts combined. If this doesn't end, there will be no more District 4 residents. I get chills thinking about it because I think of 12.

The fighting is brutal and thankfully I stay focused. I haven't been at risk of losing it and falling into a psychosis attack. Nathan, Silas, Johanna and I have an additional mission, keep each other alive no matter what. It helps, it's definitely like being in the arena again, the violence is the same but constant, but of course we're not alone. No one is really fighting for themselves, at least I don't think. We've done enough damage to the Capitol peacekeepers and we were finally able to find their planning headquarters, they are surrounded. However; it doesn't just contain capitol peacekeepers it also houses District 4 Capitol supporters, and this makes it difficult. We've cut off their communication and they are surrounded. Paylor waits to hear command from 13, from Coin. We wait for hours and the tension only builds more and more. We are covered in sweat and anxidety waiting for the next move, everyone is restless. If it's difficult for us, the peacekeepers and 4 supporters must be dying of anticipation, this waiting is torture for them. I know all too well, I remember laying in the cold cement floor of that cell, every morning waiting for that door to open to the room that was full of assaults. I shudder at the thought and I push the idea out of my mind. I can't break now.

Paylor comes over by me and lays flat on the ground next to me.

"This is pissing me off what is Coin waiting for?" She protests.

"This is torture for them. I feel bad for them." I say.

Paylor looks at me and nods. "I like that in the middle of this brutality compassion continues to shine through you.

Just then a soldier crawls towards us. "Lieutenant, message from 13." The young female soldier hands her a note.

Paylor reads it and she looks irate. "What!?" She stands up and begins to pace around. "Damn it." She then stops and looks at me and at the soldier that delivered the message.

"Who else knows this arrived?" Paylor asks.

"Just the unit Liutenant."

"Soldiers." She calls to us and we look at her. "I've received our next set of orders. I don't agree with these orders and I am about to break protocol and go against these wishes. I can't ask you to go along with my plan, so those that don't want a part of this can head back to the camp, the route is safe."

We all stare at her and there is silence.

"Well?" she asks all of us since no one is leaving her.

"What are the orders?" Johanna asks.

"Coin commands that we execute them, but there are too many District 4 residents in there. I can't, and I won't."

At that moment I look up at her with total admiration and I feel proud to serve her. I look around at my fellow soldiers and I know that we all feel the same way, we completely agree with her. The soldier that delivered the message stands up, takes the note from Paylor's hand and rips it to pieces.

"What orders?"

Paylor looks proud at her then at all of us. "Dear soldiers, it's an honor to serve with you. Take defensive formation." She orders us and we move to take our spots, we move forward to the building holding the central station of command to the resistance in District 4. Paylor takes a megaphone and proceeds to communicate with them. "District 4 – we are about to enter. Please note, you are surrounded, outnumbered, and cut off from the Capitol. We are here to negotiate the terms of your surrender and your survival. Please put your weapons down. If you fire, one shot, will mean the end of all of you." She places the megaphone down and waits to see if there is a response perhaps even retaliation. Our guns are up and ready. She signals us to move forward but the door opens and one peacekeeper steps out. Our arms instantly go up and aim at him. He quickly puts his arms up but we don't relax.

"Lieutenant Paylor. We were waiting for Coin to give the order for you to annihilate us. I can't help but feel angry, they know her, and they're right.

"That order never came." Paylor lies to him without batting an eye. "We're not animals… your name?"

"Chad. District 2 officer."

Paylor nods at him. "Do you have injured soldiers in the compound in need of medical attention?"

When she mentions this the man's hard cynical face transforms and he swallows. "Yes." He takes a deep breath. "we have a handful of young men and women injured." He stops and catches his breath. "They're also District 2 peacekeepers, can they still receive medical attention."

Paylor looks a little stunned. "Of course."

I surprise myself when I speak without thinking. "How old are they?" and Paylor looks at sharply at me. The peacekeeper looks my way. "Between 14 and 16 years old." I can tell that it pains him to admit this. My chest hurts when he says this, he doesn't have to say it. Snow clearly went to the Career training camps to replenish his dwindling peacekeepers. I look at Johanna and she stares at him hatefully.

"we had no choice." He responds to our reproachful faces.

Paylor interrupts him. "Tell your soldiers to bring them out so that e can transport them to our medical units. We have medical staff among us, those that need immediate care can be examined here.

Chad proceeds to order one of his followers to bring out the injured children. It's 20 of them and I feel sick when I see their young faces. Damn Snow, he still gets his blood bath of children. Paylor looks disgusted at the sight of them. As our designated soldiers prepare to transport them back Paylor makes one last request. "Soldiers, I don't want one, not one, to lose their lives on their way for help. Understand." She orders and they respond. I look around and Silas is examining a young girl on the ground. My body hurts when I see her injury, her leg is severed and there is no way to control the blood loss. I feel Johanna's hand on my shoulder. Silas looks up to Chad who is standing behind him and he nods to him, signaling that there is nothing he can do. There's no way she'll live to make it to the medical compound and there's nothing here that can save her. Silas stands and talks to Chad calmly and Chad hunches over. He nods, agreeing with something Silas told him. I watch Johanna observe them closely. Silas kneels down next to the girl who is doing her best to maintain a brave face. I see Silas's face transform as he flashes his most charming smile. I can make out the words he's saying to her – I'm sorry – I'll make this easy for you. The girl interrupts him and I can also make out her words – just end the pain please. Silas then brushes the hair out of her forehead. He takes a syringe and injects her arm with it. The girls breathing finally calms down and her eyes close. Johanna and I approach him. He finally notices us.

"What did you give her?" Johanna asks gently.

"I put her to sleep." Silas responds sadly.

"But.." Johanna is about to say something but Silas doesn't let her finish.

He takes out another syringe. "This will make her heart stop, I didn't want her to feel that." He injects her neck with it, and in a second her heaving chest stops and the poor girl expels blood from her mouth. Silas takes a deep breath and squeezes the girl's hand. He sighs and stands up. He calls he fellow medics to take the body. He turns to look at Chad. "I made it as easy as I could."

Chad is staring at her in disbelief. "Thank you." He takes a deep breath. "She was my niece."

Silas looks at him again then at the girl. "Sorry for you loss."

Just then Paylor approaches Chad. "Are you done? Are you ready to put an end to the slaughter happening in 4?"

Chad closes his eyes in pain. "Let's talk." He turns to face her. "I'm not stupid Lieutenant. I've heard about you. You run rogue, and if you are willing to ignore Coin's orders, I'll ignore Snow, and sit down to talk with you."

"Good." She calls over another solider and whispers instructions to him. She then turns to Chad again. "Your soldiers will be rounded up by my unit and kept under armed supervision. They need to eat, they are clearly malnourished." Chad nods.

Paylor asks that I join her in the meeting along with a other soldiers that have higher rank than me. We sit around a conference room and we begin.

"Peeta, please take notes of our conversation so that you can write up a treaty." Paylor orders me.

"Yes Lieutenant."

"Are you Peeta Mellark?" Chad asks surprised.

I look at him and I'm startled. "Yes." I say.

His mouth is now hanging open. "I can't believe it. Look at you… you survived!" I look at the soldiers he brought with him and they are also staring at me in disbelief. "You don't even look like that boy!"

"That was a long time ago, you said it, that was a boy. I'm gown up." I say quietly.

He nods and finally closes his mouth. "I supposed you're right. I couldn't believe the condition they left you in, that last interview that you did with Ceasar."

I take a deep breath and I close my eyes. "I survived." I say sternly.

He must see my agitation and he shrinks a little. "You sure did. I have to admit, I'm happy for that. Is the Mockingjay here?" He asks me and I feel annoyed.

Thankfully Paylor interrupts him. "No, she's not here. She was here before, but she's gone now."

Chad nods and look curiously at me. "Right, she took down our watch tower destroying most of our weapons, weapons that Snow refused to replenish."

Paylor laughs. "That can't surprised you, he's a bastard, and the fact that you sat down with me tells me you're done. " She says and he nods.

"One problem Paylor, some people of District 4 don't want to lose their comfy position with the Capitol."

"What comfy position?" I ask and I instantly regret it. "I'm sorry," I look at Paylor.

"It seems like you have a lot to say. By all means Peeta…" I look at her again and she looks serious. She's not angry by my outburst. "Continue." She insists.

I take a deep breath. I look up at his crowd of soldiers. "Are you all from 2?"

"They're a mix of 2 and 4." Chad responds and I look at him.

"1, 2, and 4 – Careers. Have you heard of Janissaries? " Chad nods no. "Long time ago, there was a very powerful empire, the King, or Sultan, had a loyal army, the Janissaries, that kept a dynasty in control for 500 years. They were fierce, deadly, rewarded, and loyal to a fault. They were also slaves, the dynasty's slaves. They died to serve, to stay under control. Can you imagine the brain washing that took place to achieve that. Like them, the Careers, you, actually participate in your own enslavement. And you know what the Capitol does, they take your children and allow mutts to rip them apart for hours, in torturous pain." I say this thinking of Cato. Chad closes his eyes then looks away. "You never win, you don't have comforts, it's an illusion. Look at what you get for fighting on Snow's behalf, abandonment, no food, and no weapons to defend yourself. He doesn't care. He'd rather you die fighting for him without hope of winning, then survive and potentially join us." I stare at him and he stares thoughtfully at me. "You must know this. If he were to win again, do you think he will reward you for being on his side – he'll continue to make examples of your children."

"Thank you Peeta." Paylor interrupts me. She then proceeds to discuss what needs to happen next and how he can help. After hours of talking they finally agree that the battles will end in 4. It culminates with signing a treaty.

The next day we're back at our compound on 4 and we sit around a conference room ready to update Coin and Boggs in 13. We hear Coin then she appears on a teleprompter.

"Lieutenant Paylor, please update me on 4." She commands.

"President Coin, I am pleased to tell you that District 4, and the Peacekeepers have agreed to join our cause. They signed a treaty."

We look at the camera and Boggs is beaming and he exhales. Coin stays steady and she doesn't smile.

"That's interesting Paylor." Coin responds to her. "You were under strict orders to execute in 4, we cannot afford more casualties in 4." She barks at her.

Paylor feigns confusion. "Excuse me? What orders?"

"I sent an e-telegram, specifically ordering you to kill them!"

I shudder at her blatant disregard for human life, I stayed up last night thinking about Coin's orders and they don't make sense to me.

"Alma, if you sent something to us, we didn't get it. Further, we stood around surrounding them for four hours without any instruction. I decided to siege the building before anything else happened, but the Peacekeeper in command turned himself over. We had a productive negotiation that favors us, I saw the chance, and I took it."

"Those were not my orders!" Coin shouts.

Paylor flares up she stands up furiously. "Well I didn't get them! I'm the one out here, losing soldiers and regrettably taking lives while you hide in your hole Coin! I'm doing the best I can, and I'm succeeding, and with my success, you succeed. Don't forget that."

I can't help the satisfied smile that spreads across my face. I look at Johanna and I actually see admiration in her face.

Coin stays silent but her eyes are on fire. "If there is another resistance in 4, I will hold you accountable. Send back your 13 unit, it's time they returned." She shuts off her monitor and the meeting is over.

"Soldiers, I want to thank you for standing by me for this decision. I will not forget it." She looks around at us. "Peeta, thank you for saying what you did during that negotiation, it's not the first time you enlighten the resistance."

"You don't have to thank me, I was angry at him, and I shouldn't have spoken out like that." I insist.

"You had a right, you're a Victor, and the Careers need to hear it." She then turns her attention to her troops. "I'm certain that if Snow sends more peacekeepers for resistance, all of District 4 will fight on our side."

"How can you be so sure?" A District 4 rebel asks.

She looks thoughtfully at him. "Because, we're going to feed them, not starve them. It always comes down to that. People, humans, we're very simple really." She nods to us and leaves the room.


	35. Chapter 35

Three months turned to six months from my departure. I had no idea that this revolution would give me so much purpose. I learned more about my limits and what will tear me down but I also learned how strong and smart I can be. As suspected, working with Paylor has been a complete honor, to have won her respect means the world to me.

As I board the craft with my unit, I feel proud. Coin was right, I proved something to myself and I will have to thank her for the opportunity. I know John was concerned about her intentions but she was right about my abilities. Although, I realize that she may very well be using me. I sit on the cot with Johanna, as she talks to me about her plans about returning to 7 after all of this is over. I love hearing her plan a future, it's like music to my ears. I dose out and I wake up to the sound of a Captain, alerting our descent into 13. I take a deep breath and look out the window. In the distance I see the beautiful muted orange sunset. I take it in with a deep breath of air and I already dread the feeling of being underground.

When we land our unit lines up and we prepare to exit. We line up outside the craft and I instantly see a crowd of people from 13 ready to welcome us home. I also see Cressida and her camera crew. As I stand, I feel increasingly anxious and I nervously look through the crowd. I then feel a large smile spread across my face and the thought of Ivy. I've missed her so badly and just the thought of her makes me feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin.

"You all right man?" I hear Silas ask me.

I smile. "Yeah, do you see Ivy or Delly in the crowd?" I ask him

"No." He says. "I'm sure they're here."

"I know, I just feel like I can't wait another second, I missed her so badly."

We finally have the clear to disband and we rush the crowd. I look around everywhere and I don't see Ivy or Delly. Finally I hear someone call my name. It's her and I look around anxiously. I finally see her rushing through a crowd and she's running towards me, then she's in my arms. I happily and gratefully wrap my arms around her waist and pull her towards me. I didn't even get a chance to see her face, which makes me laugh. I've already memorized the feel of her body in my arms. I set her down and anxiously pull away so that I can see her face, her eyes, her lips, I've missed her so much. Our eyes meet and I feel tears pooling my eyes. I grab her face and pull her in for a kiss. After holding her for a long time, she pulls back slightly and exhales with a melancholic sigh, she doesn't have to say it, I know she's been holding it in this whole time.

"You're back, you're here." She says gratefully with a triumphant laugh. She pulls back and looks me over to make sure I'm okay. "are you hurt? They told me you were fine but I worried that they would keep something from me." She tells me.

"I'm fine. I'm okay, I'm not hurt." I pull her back towards me and press my forehead to hers. Then I hear Cressida's voice.

"Peeta can I have a word with you?"

I instantly feel irritated. I force myself to look away from Ivy and I look at Cressida instead. "What is it?" I say curtly.

"Alone." She orders me.

I laugh at her tone because she seems to think she has a say in this. "Okay then, no you can't have a word – alone." I say menacingly and she takes a deep breath as if to control her temper. "Oh no, you don't want to go there with me. Don't test my patience." I say.

"Fine. I need more shots of you for the propos. I can't have you making out with random girls." She says to me. This makes me bristle and I feel Ivy tense up.

"Ivy is not some random girl, she's my girlfriend. Don't you ever belittle that again. Your tone is disrespectful to me and demeaning to her." I say to her as calmly as possible.

"Fine then, my apologies. I had no idea you had a girlfriend." She says cynically as she looks over at Johanna and I get furious, I know what she's insinuating.

I briskly pull away from Ivy. "Fine."

Cressida tells me that she's going to line up the Victors in front of the craft for photos. When I hear her say this I get a fluttering feeling in my stomach because I realize that I haven't seen Katniss since the day I pushed her over the precipice into a lake in 7; not to mention that unsettling confrontation where I felt close to her again. Johanna comes to stand next to me and finally I see Finnick and Katniss walking towards us. I take a sharp breath of air at the sight of her. She's wearing her Mockingjay suit and she's all made up. It's amazing how fast I get disgusted by her, the thought of allowing herself to be made up by those Capitol mutts disgusts me. I look away instead.

"Okay, Katniss stand next to Peeta." Cressida orders her.

I instantly make a point to look in another direction. Cressida then proceeds to stand Johanna on my other side, thankfully I have her to look at. Johanna laughs the moment she sees the expression on my face, which is total disgust. Then she orders Finnick to stand next to Katniss. Cressida then steps back to look us over and she looks thrilled.

"You all look amazing! Perfect." She shouts to us as she gestures to her team to run around us with cameras while she takes photos. "Hold that look on your faces – look fierce, look angry."

Johanna laughs devilishly and I look at her. "That's easy enough – no one here is acting." She tells her.

I laugh when I hear this and the thought keeps a grin on my face.

"Good Peeta – that grin makes you look smug."

I turn my eyes in her direction ready to swear at her because I'm beyond done with this stupidity but she cuts me off.

"Wow! That look is deadly Peeta! How did you do that?" she inquires as she keeps taking photos.

"I mean it." I say to her and she pulls away from her camera to shoot me a dirty look. "Okay you're done." I say to her and I walk away from the lineup.

"Hey I need more pictures!" Cressida protests.

"Photograph Finnick, he's the pretty one." I shout over my shoulder but one of the filming cameras keeps following me. I look ahead and I see my friends waiting for me. I look at Ivy and she has a mischievous look in her eye. I smile at her and raise my eyebrow inquisitively. She then proceeds to run towards me, she jumps in my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist, and this makes me laugh because without a doubt the camera caught it. I press my lips to hers, and I can hear my friends laughing.

"Peeta!" I hear Cressida protest behind us.

I set Ivy down and look back at her direction. "I thought I was done." I say to her. I laugh but then I see Katniss, she looks dejected and the good humor leaves me. I look away from them and I face my friends.

"Come on guys, let's go home." I turn my back to Cressida and my fellow Victors.

The next couple of weeks I'm obsessed with my physique again. Without a doubt I lost weight and I lost conditioning during battle and I'm terrified again. I know that I'm nowhere near the condition I was in when I was first rescued from the Capitol, but I still hate feeling weak. John is not wrong when he tells me that I need to address this fixation with my therapist but I feel too ashamed to address the issue. For two weeks, I know I have been overdoing my workouts and yet I can't stop myself. Sure enough, today I heard a terrible pop in my shoulder and now I can barely move my arm, if it hadn't been for that, I would still be in the gym exercising.

I make my way towards my compartment and when I open the door I find Delly and Nathan making out on the couch. We all jump, clearly I startled them and I'm disgusted by the sight. It's just too weird, I love them both and they are perfect for each other but I can't help feeling protective of Delly, she's like my sister. We find ourselves just standing there staring at each other.

"I'm going to go." I say to them. "Ivy is free right?" I ask.

"Yes." Delly says meekly as she turns bright red.

I can't even look at them and I shut the door behind me. Then I remember that I'm filthy from exercising, I'm about to turn back and run in to get to my room but I hear Delly giggle, and I stop instantly. "Never mind." I say aloud and make my way to Ivy's compartment.

"Hey." She looks surprised to see me as she opens the door.

"Hey, sorry, we're you expecting someone else?" I ask her because she looks a little nervous.

"No!" She practically shouts at me. "Well, yes, John – Dr. Thrive is supposed to stop by to drop off some study materials for my study group."

"That's nice of him." I say to her.

"Yeah, it is. He's very helpful. To all of us." She smiles at me and I detect nervousness, which is very unlike her.

"Are you okay?" I ask her.

"Yeah. Sorry I just wasn't expecting you."

"If you're busy I can go elsewhere, I just walked in on Nathan and Delly making out and – that was weird." I say laughing.

She laughs too. "No, please stay. I'm just surprised because you're making an unexpected visit, you normally don't do that." Her voice is now soft and she stares at me. She's right, all my interactions with her are well thought out and premeditated, she's been so patient with me. I instantly feel a pull towards her and I lean in to kiss her. I feel her hand wrap around the back of my neck and I remember that I'm covered in sweat.

I pull back. "sorry – I didn't get a chance to clean up." I point down at my sweaty clothes.

She looks me over and gives me a seductive grin. "I don't know if you remember but I never minded the feel or the taste of your sweat." She presses her lips to mine and expertly kisses me, making me feel hot all over. Now there's a knock on the door and we both jump. When we pull back, I can see that she's flushed and I can't help running my fingertips across her exposed chest, and I can already feel her body warming up. She reluctantly pulls away from me and this makes us both smile. She heads towards the door and John is there. He has a big smile.

"Hey." Ivy greets him.

"Hi." He says sounding as if he were out of breath.

"Hey John." I call out to him.

He look past her towards me and he looks surprised to see me. He then offers me his usual friendly smile. "Hey." He looks back at Ivy then at me again. "Sorry to interrupt, I just came to drop off some study materials for the study groups." He says. I smile and nod at him.

"Ivy – I'm going to shower and get out of your way if you two need to talk." I say.

Ivy turns to look at me. "You're not in the way." She says urgently.

"I'm sure, but if you have questions, I'm just going to scram for a few. I have to clean up anyway." I say to her. She smiles and nods at me. "See you tomorrow John, I have an appointment." I call out to him, he nods at me, and I move along to the bathroom.

When I try to take my clothes off I remember that I'm injured. Moving my arm is increasingly difficult and painful.

"Shit." I say to myself. I take a deep breath and I manage to pull my shirt off me, my pants are a lot easier. I proceed to wash off. When I step out of the shower.

I manage to put my pants on with one arm but I give up trying to put on my shirt. I can see that there is obvious swelling and it's really limiting my movement. I hate the idea of having to spend the evening in the District's hospital or worse that this may be a serious injury. I step out of the bathroom and I find Ivy looking over a pile of paperwork. She looks up at me.

"Hi." She smiles sweetly at me.

"Hey, sorry, I realize that I didn't even ask to use your shower and it probably wasn't appropriate of me to help myself to your space and things in front of your professor. I consider John a friend and he knows everything about me, so I didn't think that you have a different dynamic with him. Sorry."

She just looks at me and looks a little amused. "Well, don't worry about that, after all he was coming into my personal space." She stops to look me up and down and I can see her smile appreciatively as she looks me over. " I like that you haven't lost your chivalrous side." She tells me.

I'm surprised to hear her say this and I instantly think of Katniss, I've been a total jerk to her. "I am not chivalrous around the clock anymore, not sure if Silas or Nathan told you; I threw Katniss off a cliff in 7."

Ivy's eyes widen in shock, then horror, and then she covers her mouth because she clearly is trying to suppress laughter. "Well, she's clearly okay." Then she takes a breath to take a serious tone. "It's actually not funny." She takes a breath again to try to suppress giggles and I playfully nod at her in disapproval. "Oh please, you threw her off – Anyway, was it an attack brought on by psychosis?"

"No actually, it wasn't, she just pissed me off. I knew she'd land in water and she can swim so…" I laugh lightheartedly but then I remember the feel of holding her close to me, the effect that proximity had on me and I feel nervous so I change the subject immediately. "I hurt my shoulder."

Ivy looks at me then looks behind me. "Let me see?" I lean forward and she touches my back and shoulder. She proceeds to ask me where it hurts exactly and she applies pressure. She asks me to move my arm and I tell her that it hurts and the movement is limited, however mobility improves every time I move my arm.

"When did you hurt it?" She asks.

"I was working out." I say to her.

"Training drills?"

"No, the drills were over, I wanted to put in more time."

"How much time?" she asks, I look at her and I know exactly where she's going with this. She has expressed concern over my exercise obsession. "Please answer me." She gently places her hand on my shoulder.

"Four hours. I heard a pop and it just hurt. Do I have to go the hospital - did I break something? It doesn't feel like it. After the Capitol, I'm an expert on broken bones." I say casually.

She winces. "Please don't' say that." I look at her and nod apologetically. "It's not broken, and I don't think you tore anything so you don't need to go to the hospital unless you want to." She stands up, walks towards a small refrigerator, and pulls out an ice pack out of the freezer. "I'm almost certain that it's tendonitis."

She throws the ice pack my way and I catch it with my good arm. "Is that your medical opinion Doctor?" I playfully ask her.

She laughs. "Well, I'm no doctor, yet. But yes it is my medical opinion. Like I said, if you want to go to the hospital we can go."

"I'd rather stay here and have you nurse me." I say to her.

"Excuse me – doctor you." She corrects me and laughs. She comes towards me and offers me a pill.

"What is it?"

"A basic anti-inflammatory." She says.

I take the pill and look up at her. "What else am I supposed to do?"

She smiles and sits next to me again. "You're seeing John tomorrow he can give you an official diagnosis and treatment plan but I can tell you right now that there is only one treatment for that in addition to these pills and ice. Rest, no working out until this heals."

I look horrified and I feel genuinely upset, anxious at the thought of not exercising. She looks at me seriously, the playful banter is gone. She then holds my hand and pulls me up to lead me to the bathroom. She turns the light on and I see myself standing before the mirror. I'm standing there looking at myself standing without a shirt and just my pants. I then see Ivy's hands rest on my shoulders from behind and she peeks out from behind me.

"Tell me, what do you see?"

"What do you mean?" I ask her.

"Why are you desperately trying to add to this beautiful and brave body?" She asks.

I close my eyes and I see that emaciated body staring back at me, skin and bones, and weakness. "Because I need to be stronger, bigger, and better than them." I open my eyes and I look out of the corner of my eye towards Ivy. "What they did to me… Never again, I need to be prepared to tear them to pieces if needed." I regret saying it out loud, because I sound like a monster. I look at her again to assess what effect my words had on her and thankfully, she looks steady. That poker face is there and it doesn't waver.

"I can understand that. But now, when you look in that mirror do you see that Peeta, the prisoner and everything that went with him, his state of mind, the psychosis, the frail body." She begins to run her hands throughout my arms and torso.

"Yes." I say simply.

"You are not that person anymore Peeta, You got better than anyone expected, in every way."

"I feel like it's never enough."

"Peeta, can I tell you the truth?" She says cautiously and I nod to her. "It will never be enough. Look at you," she points towards the mirror again. "You've never had this built before, and you could get bigger, fight harder, kill more people, but" She then pinches my chest hard and I wince. "it will never be an armor impenetrable from pain, abuse, bullets, knives." I begin to tremble when I hear her say this. "You have to accept that. You are only human and as a rebel, you run the risks that we all face. Look at the Capitol, they were large, grand, violent, powerful – but we are breaking them, little by little. It's okay to feel afraid but don't hurt yourself by thinking that you are untouchable."

Her words are hitting me hard and I feel resistant, even angry. I suddenly want to leave and she must sense my tension. I push her hands off me and I just want to leave but she does something unexpected, I see her hand swing towards my chest again and I feel a prick. I'm startled and I react without thinking because I feel incredibly vulnerable. I grab her by her wrists and push her against a wall. I begin to hear a buzz in in my ears and I realize that I have to get out of here before I do something I regret. I look into her eyes and she's startled but she takes a deep breath and looks calm.

"What are you doing?" I shout at her.

She then shows me a needle she was holding in her hand, a hand that I am now roughly restraining. "It's a needle Peeta, I pricked you with it. See." She points to my chest. "You're bleeding. All that muscle but this tiny needle, nothing compared to what you endured in the Capitol, can make you bleed."

I feel panicked and I begin to breathe heavy and that buzzing is getting louder in my head. "Stop it Ivy, don't do this…"

"It's okay, you bleed just like all of us when we're hurt and it's okay. You have to accept that so that you can live again, let life in." She tells me softy now and tears start to escape her. At the sight of this, my heart melts and the buzzing subsides. "Let me in" She tells me in a whisper.

Finally, I feel clarity again and my heart feels like it's going to explode. I register how hard I'm squeezing her wrists and I instantly pull them towards my lips where I release the pressure and kiss her wrists, her hands, and I begin to cry. She finally lets out soft sobs. She slides down the wall to the floor and I sit next to her. I wrap my arms around her protectively.

"I'm sorry, Ivy, I'm so sorry. I almost lost it. You shouldn't have done that." I cry into her ear.

"I had to." She pulls away and looks me in the eye. We stare at each other for a moment and I pull her towards me and kiss her desperately.

The tension has somehow shifted into something lustful and it's all consuming. I pull away slightly and she desperately holds on to my face with her hands.

"Please, let me in." She continues to plea and I realize that she's talking about so much more. These past couple of months I still keep her at a distance. I try to guard her from the monster lurking inside of me, and as a result I can't open up to her fully.

I pull back and look at her face. I wipe the tears running down her face and I kiss the tip of her nose. She finally composes herself and she stands up again and pulls me to my feet. She takes my hand and leads me to her bedroom. I feel terrible about my near episode and I'm about to start apologizing profusely, and she must see my intentions because she calmly walks towards me and gently kisses my lips. She then pulls back and begins to unbutton her dress. There is so much intensity in her eyes that I'm paralyzed by it. I start to think back to the day I left on my mission, the way I felt watching her from afar, for the first time afraid to not see her again. The fact that I told her that I loved her, we haven't said it since, but right now looking at her I can see how much she loves me. I'm so moved by the power of it.

She then proceeds to remove her dress, she's wearing nothing underneath and she looks absolutely beautiful. I look her over, admiring her. She walks towards me again and runs the back of hands up my torso. She then presses her warm lips to the spot where she pricked me with a needle. I cradle her face in my hands and make her look up to me.

"I'm sorry."

"Shh. Just let it go Peeta, let it go." She tells me as she grabs my wrists. She starts to pull them away from her face and she stares at my wrists. It takes me a moment to see that she is looking at my scars, the ones I inflicted on myself trying to commit suicide. She presses gentle kisses on the scars and steps closer to me again. She brings her hands to my waistband and tucks at my pants, she proceeds to pull them down. She kneels down to help slip them off, and once they are off she proceeds to kiss my knees, my thighs, as she makes her way up my body I let go of every inhibition and fear that keeps me from getting close to her. By the time her lips reach my lips, I'm starving for her. I let myself fall to my knees. I softly kiss her abdomen and move down, I let my lips rest against her folds and I hear her inhale sharply. I feel compelled to worship her. I move my tongue between her folds and her gratifying moans sends heat all over my body. I work her until she climaxes and I know she can barely hold herself up, her knees give out but I'm there to catch her, in a swift movement I lift her as I rise to my feet. I wrap her legs around me and her lips and tongue find mine. I now have the beautiful taste of her lips and her arousal in my mouth and it's thrilling. I finally let her take me to bed.

I feel completely obsessed with her the moment we wrap ourselves with each other. The tone is arduous, sweet, calming, familiar, yet new – if that's possible. There is something new and nostalgic about being with her again, and I'm enthralled with trying to figure out why. For instance, she still loves being on top. In this position, I can see her fully and I realize that I had her body memorized because I note all the changes that have occurred over the past three years, the new beauty marks that have appeared on her delicate skin, the freckles she has lost, I'm smitten by everything. As we give ourselves to each other I realize something else, I'm completely dedicated to making love to her for the simple reason of loving her. We're not rushed, we're not hiding, there are no inhibitions between us like before. So our lovemaking is slow and calm. I realize that I never had the opportunity to slowly observe her, when we were teens we were always rushed by our own incessant needs but also because it had to be and nothing assured us that we would it the next day. For the first time, I feel like I am working at something with her for our future, a better future without my youthful naivety. Every time I thrust into her I almost come undone at the sight of seeing the expression of her face, which is a mixture of pleasure, satisfaction, and release. As slow as I'm taking this, I also feel desperate for her. At one point, I can no longer contain myself and I pull her hips up towards my face while she's on top of me to taste her. To have her this close to me, while looking up at her pulsing body above, almost takes me to the edge. After she unravels, I love the feel of her slide her body down my torso, only to let herself sink back into me again. The whole experience is beyond satisfying and the feeling of her warm moist body in my arms makes me deliriously happy. We lay there with stupid grins on our faces, feeling very proud of ourselves because of what we accomplished and I know we are thinking the same thing because we begin to laugh, uncontrollably. Then we stop, and look at each other and we both begin to cry. Unlike all those years ago, after returning from my first Games, these are not tears of despair and gratitude because we are still breathing, these are tears of pure joy. We fall asleep happily in each other's arms.


	36. Chapter 36

**Peeta**

Since being back, I feel closer to my friends. I've made an effort to reach out to Annie more. It meant that Finnick and I finally had a conversation and agreed to let bygones be bygones. I assured him that I was sorry for betraying him. He was all too willing to let it go, especially since he doesn't want me to keep my distance from Annie, she misses me, and I assure him that I miss her just as much. I don't know that we'll ever be close friends but I feel better for apologizing. It took me time to comprehend what Gale was talking about, my actions, as sincere and genuine as they are, have the power to hurt people.

Johanna has stopped coming to my bed. I know she's is amicable with Ivy, and I know she cares deeply about my relationship with Ivy because she knows what a huge step it is for me. I miss her madly at night, and I do wake up looking for her often. Ivy has thankfully been more than understanding when I wake up from my night terrors screaming Johanna or Annie's names. She knows that she has nothing to worry about, she also doesn't know how far Johanna and I went, but I am not prepared to tell her and I'm not convinced that she needs to know. I don't ever want to hurt her again, and Johanna herself pointed out that our sleeping together already hurt Finnick, there is no need to hurt Ivy with it. It doesn't sit well with me, but I chose not to think about it too much. I let it go.

As for Ivy and I, well, since we made love and found this new intimacy, we're insatiable. Every single one of our friends has walked in on us because we shamelessly give into each other no matter where we are. If we think for a second we're alone, and we feel that yearning we lose all logic. Thankfully our friends have been more than understanding.

Ivy and I sit around with the rest of our friends for social hour and Silas can't resist bringing up mine and Ivy's lack of propriety.

"So, show of hands, who's sick and tired walking in on Ivy and Peeta?" Ivy buries her head in my shoulder and laughs and we notice that everyone raises their hands except Silas. This makes us shoot him an inquisitive look.

"What?" Silas asks menacingly. "I just wanted to know." Everyone else looks at him. "I don't have a problem with it. It's hot…" Everyone groans in disgust except Johanna who laughs at his comment and in turn, he looks at her approvingly.

Delly shoots him a dirty look and he responds again.

"Whatever, I'm not the one laying my ass on every surface of your apartment." He protests to Delly.

"Hey, don't talk like that!" Ivy smacks his arm.

He playfully rolls his eyes. "Whatever, it's true."

"You're one to talk Silas, how many times have I caught you with random girls in our place. Yeah, Peeta, you've missed quite the displays since you're at Ivy's all the time." Nathan points out to me.

I notice that Silas glares at Nathan, and he quickly glances at Johanna, who doesn't seem to react or care about Nathan's disclosure.

Then Silas mentions it casually before moving on with another topic of conversation. "Peeta you're always with Ivy, you two should just move in."

For some reason the idea hits me hard, but it's sinking in, and I like the idea. So later that night, as I lay in Ivy's bed, I decide to take a chance.

"Ivy let's move in together." I tell her earnestly.

She's shocked and speechless. "Peeta…" She looks startled and I begin to feel nervous. Shit, what if she's not there, what if it's not what she wants. I've been going on and on about going slow and I throw this her way. My body begins to feel hot as a result of the panic that begins to run through me.

She then begins to laugh. "Yes!" She screams and she throws her arms around me and engulfs me with kisses. After we make love, we begin to discuss it some more.

"Can we?" Ivy asks.

"What do you mean?" I ask still afraid that she'll change her mind about moving in with an unhinged man.

"Well, Peeta, 13 is made up of a ton of regulations and processes to do anything… what if we can't do it, because – well who knows…" She points out.

It's all a good point but I still feel nervous. "Do you really want to?" I ask her again.

She looks me in the eye and smiles. "Of course I do." She reaches for the back of my head and pulls me down towards her lips where her lips and tongue greet me. "I'm sorry, I'm being rational, don't confuse that with reluctance or doubt."

"Okay." I take a deep sigh of relief.

"What about you – do you really want to live with me?" Ivy asks.

"Yes." I laugh at her question. "I'm convinced more and more every day. And I'll see what we have to figure out. Finnnick and Annie moved in together before they married, like us we have no blood family, we only have each other. We're together, we love each other, and we'll marry too.." The moment I say this Ivy sits up and stares at me in amazement. "What?" I ask.

"You want to get married?" She asks.

"That's always been the plan Ivy. It's what I'm working towards, the reason I'm fighting, getting better, to build a future for this country, where I can I have a family… you and me – and our children." As I say to her I realize that I'm verbalizing my deepest thoughts. I take her hands in mine. "It's strange isn't it, it's the same dreams we had since we were 16 years old, we are no longer the same, yet that's still what I want." I swallow and look her in the eye nervously. "Is that what you want?" I ask her.

She laughs again and she looks deliriously happy. "Of course it is… I just didn't know if we would get here."

"I guess we did." I say to her and I cup her face with my hand to pull her beautiful lips towards mine. I kiss her deeply. She then lets out a celebratory squeal in my mouth and she throws her arms around me.

"Look, I'll talk about it at our Victor Meeting tomorrow." I roll my eyes at the thought of the next meeting, the meetings really revolve around Coin and Plutarch prodding into our business. But, if I can use these meetings to overstep 13's strict rules and regulations I'll do it.

* * *

I am uncharacteristically late to the meeting, mine and Ivy's celebratory lovemaking from last night made me oversleep and now I'm terribly late, probably not good since I'm about to make a personal request to Coin. When I walk in, everyone seems anxious about my whereabouts and Johanna was about to step out to look for me. The moment I walk in, everyone exhales with relief, I notice that Katniss lets herself fall back into her chair and she bends over to breathe. Even John looks scared.

"Peeta! Damn it where were you?! We looked for you at the gym, your quarters, I even went to the clinic in case you had checked yourself in…" John berates me and it's the first time I've seen him angry at me but I'm too happy to take this concern seriously because if they only knew…

"I'm sorry I scared you, and I'm even sorrier that I'm late." I tell Coin who merely looks inconvenienced by my delay but I muster a charming and sheepish smile. She seems satisfied and she finally looks like she relaxes.

"Where were you Peeta?" Coin asks.

"I was in my girlfriend's quarters." I say sincerely.

"I told you." Johanna exclaims, sounding exasperated.

"Well you owe us an explanation for making everyone wait." Coin pushes. I'm really annoyed because it's not like anything important ever goes on in these meetings but today is not the day to point out that I could care less about the Mockingjay's latest propo. I'm suddenly distracted by Gale's tapping pen on the table, clearly he's just as annoyed by the delay as Coin.

"I'm sorry, I simply overslept."

"You need to be conscientious of your schedule and plan your social life accordingly." Coin tells me.

"Oh please, he's young and lost track of time with his girl, it's not a big deal. Can we just move on." Haymitch protests. I'm startled because this is the most I've heard him say since I joined these meetings. He's mostly quiet, which I'm grateful for since it makes it possible for me to forget he's here. Our eyes meet for a second and I look away but not before I feel his presence shake me up.

I don't know why but the nerves make me speak without really thinking. "I'm sorry Coin, we we're celebrating." I say and as soon as I do I notice that Gale's tapping pen stops and I look in his direction and our eyes meet. He seems genuinely curious.

"What were you celebrating?" Coin asks and I take a deep breath because it begins, prying into our personal lives. As much as I hate it, I'll have to participate if I'm to convince her to let me move in with Ivy.

I smile charmingly at her. "Actually I wanted to talk to you about it, I'm not sure what the procedures or regulations are…" I begin and Coin suddenly perks up and looks genuinely interested. "Ivy and I want to live together." I say, I immediately notice that Katniss let her body fall back into the back of her chair, which makes me look in her direction, and our eyes meet. She looks haunted and I'm unsettled by the look in her eye. I turn to Coin and I notice that she's staring at Katniss too, and she actually has a genuine smile on her face. This unsettles me even more. "Anyway." I say it firmly so that Coin looks at me again. "I'm not sure what the rules are or what we have to request…"

"Peeta I think that's great and I 'm extremely happy for you." She tells me uncharacteristically cheerful. I'm taken aback a little but I feel relief and a genuine smile comes to me. I look around and Johanna smiles back at me, even Finnick offers me a warm smile, then I see John's face. He looks shocked and concerned.

"John, as my doctor, do you think it's a bad idea, do you think Ivy would be at risk?" I ask genuinely concerned. His opinion is very important to me.

He looks at me thoughtfully and I can see that he forces a smile to his face. "No Peeta, I mean, I'm concerned with everything that you do, but the fact that you show concern, only signals your continuous progress." He tells me.

"Peeta why do you want to live together?" Coin asks, in what I think is a sweet tone. It sounds strange coming from her and as I turn back to her, I notice Katniss shoot her a resentful glare.

I laugh at the question since it seems silly and it should be obvious. "Because we love each other." I tell her. "we have plans for a future together and I just want her close." I say. She smiles looking very satisfied. Once again, I realize that she's doing this at Katniss's expense and I'm really upset because once again they are making something very personal of mine all about Katniss. I find myself glaring at Coin but I'm startled by Katniss's remark.

"Considering we already wasted so much time this morning, and seeing that we are going to talk about Peeta's personal life, I'm going to return to training." She stands up and heads towards the door.

"You're training? Wow – finally." Coin says and Katniss stops at the door as she opens it. She turns around and gives Coin a deadly stare, she then proceeds to exit.

Coin looks at me and I can see it instantly, she doesn't seem all that interested in my news anymore and proceeds to talk to me. "Yes, there's no restrictions against cohabitating even if you're not married. There's paperwork, you and Ivy can file it with the District planning department, and just await transfer to your new quarters. Also, you are prohibited from having children at the moment, because of the war."

"Okay." I say feeling startled by her thoroughness. We proceed with the meeting with other topics.

* * *

 **Katniss**

I wake up to the sensation of cold water hitting my body and I gasp for air. I look up and I see both Finnick and Johanna's faces, then I feel that Finnick is shaking me. I finally gasp and he abruptly pulls me form the shower by lifting me in his arms and carrying me out of the bathroom. Over his shoulder I can see Johanna's annoyed face.

"See she's fine, Finnick. She could have just slept it off." She says as she shakes my bottle of morphling.

"Johanna shut up, the bottle was empty." Finnick shoots back at her.

"I'm telling you it was not a full bottle." She assures him.

"And how would you know that?!" He protests.

"You know how." She mumbles.

In the middle of their quarrel, I remember what happened again. Instead of going to training I ran to my room so that I could let the sobs take over, I then proceeded to take pills, I just wanted to sleep the pain off.

I begin to cry again and Finnick notices. He then stops arguing with Johanna and holds me instead.

"Johanna, would you get her some dry clothes please." Finnick asks sweetly. I can hear Johanna's steps. He then whispers into my ear. "I know baby, I know." And I know that he does, and the feeling of his sentiment makes me cry harder.

Finally I hear Johanna walk back. I remind myself that I need to be strong, especially around her. When I look up at her, she looks stunned. I take the clothes from her. "Thank you." I stand up and strip off my clothes and put on my dry clothes. Then I see it, Johanna came back holding a parachute, and I see Finnick staring at it, looking horrified. I immediately yank it out of Johanna's hand. "Do you mind!" I yell at her.

"I opened it." Johanna tells me as if it were a confession. "It took me a few minutes but I remembered, it's the pearl he gave you in that hell hole."

The moment she says it I begin to cry again, because it was a hell hole and Peeta, my boy with the bread, once again found beauty and gave it to me. I grab the pearl and I'm furious suddenly, I go to throw it, but I fall to my knees instead. I cup it instead and hold it close.

"You love him." Johanna says, not really questioning me, more like she's making a realization aloud.

I finally stand up and go sit down on the couch. I put the pearl back in the parachute and close it.

"I wasn't sure, then after talking to Peeta in the Capitol, I thought it was in fact all an act on your part. But of course he was confused by then. I'm sorry today must have been very hard on you." She tells me, and I'm shocked by her sincerity.

"I wasn't sure, then after talking to Peeta in the Capitol, I thought it was in fact all an act on your part. But of course he was confused by then. I'm sorry today must have been very hard on you." She tells me, and I'm shocked by her sincerity. "Why haven't you told him?

I laugh at her remark. "Johanna – he tried to kill me, he's constantly in danger of going off and killing me, he can't stand me, I make him anxious, he's perception of me is completely skewed!" My voice continues to elevate. "Tell me, when am I supposed to tell him that after everything we went through, that I fell in love with him in the middle of all of it, that maybe I always loved him but I was too afraid to get close to him, that I waited too long…" I shut up and look away and try to collect myself.

"Were you two lovers?" Johanna asks.

"Yes – not at first but – we inevitably went there, because I finally allowed it. I wanted him, I had wanted him for a long time but I kept putting up boundaries to protect myself."

"He needs to know Katniss." Johanna insists.

"No! He doesn't" I glare at her.

"So you're just going to lie to him."

"I'm not lying to him, he has no memory of it, the thought of me only hurts him. He's confused enough as it is, I'm not going to come in and tell him…" I begin to explain but Johanna interrupts me.

"You're not going tell him the truth?" She protests. "I love Peeta, and I like Ivy, and yes they do love each other. But Peeta is moving on from a traumatic past, where he believes that the person that was most precious to him didn't give a damn about him. That's not right, Katniss." Johanna explains to me, clearly trying to contain her temper.

I feel annoyed at her attempt to simplify this whole situation. "You know what Johanna, I cared about him, I gave a damn about him, and I loved him but bottom line I treated him like I didn't give a damn. Haymitch treated him like his life wasn't worth a damn in comparison to mine. Actions speak louder than words Johanna. I don't deserve him." I stand up and begin to pace around.

"Katniss you were going to die for him, just like he was willing to die for you." Finnick interjects.

I look at him and laugh. "After your wedding Peeta wanted to speak to me." I look at their faces and they look shocked, they didn't know. I nod yes. "I pointed out to him that my plan was to make sure he won the quell, he pointed out that I would have had to die if that happened, and I told him I was fully aware of that. I assured him that was what I wanted. He didn't have to say it, I saw it on his face, he didn't believe me. In fact he admitted it, he is incapable of believing anything I say." I sigh feeling defeated. I look at Johanna now. "So tell me, what is the point of telling him that I love him madly, that I did back then? All it would do is potentially set him off and I'd only hurt myself more. I'm not going to do that to us or to myself."

Johanna nods. "I'm not going to say anything. But, did you ever tell him? What if he remembers the truth?"

I stare at her and I can't contain the hope that I have brewing deep inside of me. "Johanna, if he remembers, I have no doubt he'll come back to me."

"Remember what?" Johanna asks.

"What we felt to be together, to finally give in to each other…" I stare at her and I can't contain the happiness that I feel when I remember what we shared.

"Sex? Is that what you think…" Johanna begins to protest as if she's about to berate for something but Finnick interrupts her.

"No, Johanna." He tells her sharply. "In the Quell, Peeta told me that he knew Katniss was in love with him, she didn't have to say it. He knew."

I interrup Finnick because I don't like the sentiment behind Johanna's protest. I'm not naïve, I'm not confusing sex and love. "Johanna if he remembers what if felt like to be with me, more importantly that I felt the same way he did all along – It means he'll get better, and we'll get close again." I assure her.

"What if he remember but it doesn't change anything?" She asks me.

"I don't want to think about that." I answer defensively. "Besides, I know he'll come back."

Johanna looks exasperated but she looks away from me and she closes her eyes. "I have to go, I have therapy." She stands up and leaves me alone with Finnick.

After Johanna leaves Finnick turns to me. "What if she's right, what if he does remember everything and all his confusion is cleared up but it doesn't change anything for him?"

"Finnick." I say warningly but I take a deep breath. "You don't understand – nobody understands the bond that we have."


	37. Chapter 37

It took less than a month to transition me and Ivy into our own compartment. We're both thrilled. It's only been a few weeks and we admitted that it was weird at first, but for some reason, we just fit together. We've already eased into daily rituals. We still maintain busy schedules but living together means we can do things at the same time. For instance no matter what, we can have breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. We spend reflection time together, especially now that we are allowed to go outside. It's made things easier and Ivy nor I have to get special permits to join each other outside our designated time. More importantly, we have total privacy, and having total access to each other means we get to grow together.

Once again, I will deploy on another mission. Like last time, my unit will meet with Paylor at 8 then receive further instruction from there. I find myself thinking that the idea of leaving Ivy after this constant proximity to her really hurts. Neither of us wants to lose the home that we're creating. Just then my door knocks and I answer it.

"Hey buddy, you ready?" Silas stands at the other side of the door.

"Hey, yes, I was about to get going but I was sidetracked. What are we doing today?" I ask because I've been feeling distracted for days.

"We're doing drills outside, I heard the weather is beautiful." He says sounding chipper.

We head out to meet the unit. As we line up with our designated groups, I see Katniss. I'm surprised that I've seen her participate more often, but I guess it makes sense since she'll be deploying at the same time as me. Our drill begins with a long run throughout the designated paths. After we're done with the run we begin other drills. Towards the end of the training day, we start to head back towards the meeting point when we hear a scream. The moment I hear it, I feel a freezing sensation run down my spine and I actually feel dizzy. Silas and Nathan notice immediately.

"Are you okay!?"

I stop to think because I honestly don't know, once again we hear the scream and I feel panicked. "I don't know. You hear that right?"

"Yes, someone is screaming." Nathan tells me.

"Okay, Jo!" I start to call for her, and she rushes towards me.

"I'm right here." She affirms and I guess she must know what my fear was, that something could be happening to her. I hold on to her hand and squeeze it. Just then we hear the scream again.

"What the hell is that?!" I protest and one of my fellow unit soldiers suggests that we just get back to the meeting point. We begin to jog our way back to the meeting point. Just then we see her. Katniss running in the same direction, screaming with Gale and Finnick calling after her screaming for her. Something inside of me takes over, it's not the threatening monster, it's a panic that something may seriously be wrong with Katniss. I can't help it, it's completely beyond me. I end up breaking from my unit and run in Katniss's direction. As I do, I hear Nathan, Silas, and Johanna running behind me, screaming me to stop, but I can't. We run into an unmarked area of the woods and I see them. Gale has caught Katniss and she's screaming mercilessly. Finnick sees me and he looks panicked he positions himself as to block me and I realize that he is thinking the worst, that he screaming may have set off one of my attacks so I slow down.

"Finnick it's okay, I'm fine. What's wrong with her?" I ask him and before he can answer I hear her.

"It's burning! Please get it off me!" She's screaming and in pain. Something inside of me hurts, I can't stand it. I try to get to her to help but Finnick stops me.

"It's probably best that you don't." Just then Silas, Nathan and Johanna catch up with me.

I keep looking at Gale and I can see that he's starting to search through her Mockingjay suit, she wasn't wearing it earlier but she is now.

"What the hell is going on?!" I ask.

"Her suit, we ran through something and it may be vegetation in the area, it's pollen and I think it really got into her suit, it may be poisonous." Finnick explains and he shows me his hands, which look red and inflamed. "It burns." He tells me. Just then I hear Katniss scream out in pain again and I see tears on her face. I'm hit with a light, a flashback and I see a white cloud approaching me, like fog, but I hear Katniss's scream, demanding that I run, that we run, me and Finnick. I have images of them, grotesquely disfigured because of that fog. I realize that it's from the Quell, yet another silent memory making itself known. I shake the thought out of my mind.

I feel Nathan shaking me. "Peeta, come on, this is painful to watch and it can't be good for you, let's go get help for her. Come on." He begins to pull on me and she screams out in pain again.

I push away Nathan's arm. "Gale get her out of that damn suit!" I yell at him

"What' do you think I'm trying to do!" He shouts back at me. I can't blame him, that damn thing looks like an armor. Gale then effortlessly lifts her up and leans her up against a tree, as she continues to scream out in pain, she refuses to open her eyes. He's desperately trying to search the suit to unstrap or unzip I'm sure. She screams again and I can't take it anymore. I push past Finnick and I shove Gale out of the way.

"Let me try." I say aloud and when I do, and Katniss realizes that I'm there, because she opens her eyes and once again, I'm face to face with her. We're looking into each other's eyes. I can see pain in them and it hurts me, deeply. "Katniss we're going to try to get you out of this damn thing." She begins to sob again and it makes me feel more desperate. I look everywhere on her sides and I feel bad that I'm moving her around as if she were a rag doll. I can tell she's trying to be brave but she can't handle it, she lets out a shrill scream again. I stand up and in a desperate effort I reach behind her neck, grab the material of the suit and I just start pulling it apart, ripping it. As I do this, it's as if her body springs upwards and she stops screaming. Our eyes meet, and I get hit with a flash of light again. I see Katniss in a black dress, that looked like a Mockingjay. I force myself to stay focused and I drop to my knees as I continue to rip the suit off her. When she's free of it, Gale pulls her off the ground as I pull the rest off the suit off her legs. But the flashback doesn't stop. It's as if I were living two realities. In one, it's me and Katniss in the training center, a room, I desperately ripped a Mockinjay dress off her. Only then she wasn't on fire from some toxin. It was clearly a moment of passion, there were black feathers swarming everywhere around us. I'm completely unprepared for the memories that come rushing back. I desperately lifting her off the ground as I stripped that dress of her along with everything else. What the hell happened? I wonder feeling utterly confused.

"Peeta, Peeta!" I feel Silas shaking me. I look at him and I finally snap out of it and only then do I realize that I'm on my knees on the ground. In the distance I see Gale carrying Katniss in his arms to get her help. I have to take a deep breath. I stand up and I'm shaky.

"Do you need a sedative?" Silas asks, and I nod yes desperately. He gives me a pill and I crouch down on the ground and cover my eyes, but I can't get that image out of my head. When I feel that my breathing has slowed down. I feel calmer, I look up at Johanna.

"Did Katniss wear a Mockingjay dress?" I ask her desperately.

She looks taken aback. "Yes, at the Quell. The night of the interviews, she wore a wedding dress that turned into a Mockingjay dress when she twirled." She smiles. "Cinna's doing." She adds. I nod

"Are you okay? Do we need to restrain you?" Silas adds.

I stare at him and feel utterly confused because I'm still trying to make sense of what I saw. "I had a flashback." Is all I can say as I try to catch my breath.

"The quell interview?" Johanna asks as she gently places a hand on my shoulder.

"Yes…" I say nervously because I don't know what to do or say. "Well not exactly – Must have been after…"

Silas laughs. "Tell me old man Haymitch ordered you a tall party after that interview – you sure as hell deserved it." He exclaims and I look at him quizzically. "Oh hell, you don't remember what you did!" He starts laughing again. "So you basically lied, beautifully may I add, and told all those Capitol pigs that you and Katniss had actually married and…" He starts to laugh again. "That you knocked up the little Seam princess." My eyes widen in shock and I have to take a deep breath. "Don't panic because you got the desired effect –the crowd was furious and demanded that they call the Quell off." He continues to laugh.

"They rioted actually" Johanna adds and this makes Nathan and Silas laugh.

I'm still in shock. "I did that?"

"You sure did, you lied beautifully man, you even cried – hell I almost believed it myself." Nathan adds.

"I know I believed it, while we were in the arena, I was almost positive that Katniss was pregnant." Johanna adds.

I take a deep breath and pull on my hair to try to get my thoughts to focus.

"What else did you see?" Johanna asks intently.

I look at all of them and I decide to just be honest so I blurt it out. "It must have been a hallucination actually." I start apprehensively because there is no way that happened. "Distorted memories I'm sure – " I nervously rub my face again and stare at my friends anxiously. "I saw myself ripping that Mockingjay dress off her" I mutter quickly.

"Were you attacking her?" Nathan asks.

"No –" I inhale sharply and think hard again. "No, I ripped it off her and took her in my arms and… we had sex I think…" I say this staring at them and Johanna's face has a curious expression. I look at Silas and he's smiling.

"That sounds more like a fantasy…" He tells me with a grin on his face and even Johanna laughs.

"Is that necessary?" I say feeling irritated by his attitude, I'm terrified by what I saw and he must see that, I'm still shaking.

"Yes it is actually." He says then he turns around. "Come on let's get back and see what happened to our Mockingjay."

"Can you walk?" Nathan asks me and I nod yes. I then catch Johanna staring thoughtfully at me and she offers me her hand. I take it and pull myself up and head back to the District below.

We make it to the military infirmary and we find Gale standing around waiting.

"So – what happened?" Silas asks him.

He looks at all of us and eyes me with concern. "Should he be here?" He points at me, I'm sure he's still afraid I may flip out.

"I'm fine, I took a mild sedative just in case." I say feeling groggy and as I hold on to Johanna to keep myself from tipping over.

Gale continues staring wearily at me, I must look crazed so I look away from him and focus on the wall in an effort to straighten out my eyes. "She's fine, it wasn't some toxic pollen like Finnick thought."

Johanna snorts out a laugh "You have to give him a break, he did survive two Arenas."

"Yeah – right." Gale says.

Just then a nurse comes out from a room and as we walk in I see Finnick sitting on a stool wearing gloves and I see a doctor and Ivy tending to Katniss's injuries. Silas shoots me an amused look and I nod at him disapprovingly, "not now." I look at Ivy and she's smiling at me which makes me smile back. She then shoots me a flirtatious wink and I smile at her again. She's putting an ointment on Katniss's skin, where there appears to be red painful looking welts.

Ivy looks at me again. "Should you be here?" She asks.

"I'm fine. I took a sedative just in case." I reassure her and I notice that Katniss is staring at me.

"In that case you should sit down." She orders me. "Finnick, you don't need your hands to stand please give a sedated Peeta the stool" She demands and Finnick jumps off the stool. I can't help but look adoringly at her as I make my way to the stool.

"Are all 12 girls pushy?" Finnick says.

"What the hell caused it?" Gale asks as he walks towards Katniss and takes her hand.

"I'm fine now." Katniss says and she looks nervously at me, I'm just as nervous to look at her. I can't get the image of me passionately ripping that dress off her and taking her in my arms. I have to take a deep breath. "Thank you for helping me." She says meekly.

I nod "you're welcome." I mutter and quickly look away but I still feel her eyes on me.

"All I've been told is that it wasn't toxic pollen." Gale insists still wondering what happened. Johanna laughs again and Finnick gives her a dirty look. "What could have caused that kind of pain?" He presses.

Ivy finally answers the question. "It was ivy." This makes me look at her and so does Katniss. "Poison ivy. Have you heard of it?" She says coolly. Katniss nods no and I hear Silas and Johanna's suppressed laughter. I shoot them both a dirty look. Ivy continues. "Poison Ivy will burn anyone but you clearly have an allergy." I hear Silas and Johanna giggle again. The irony is not lost on me but I shoot them a look again. "The doctor gave you a cortisone shot and this ointment will get rid of your hives." She takes a moment to look at her then asks. "Question is, how the hell did it get all over your body. You weren't rolling around the ground were you?" She asks her but also at Gale as she shoots him a knowing look. He's too shocked by her insinuation to say anything and she then hands him a tube of the ointment. "Here you go Gale, and it's the real stuff, none of that second rate medicine." She says playfully to him.

He looks at her a little embarrassed and then laughs, but takes the tube of ointment from her. "Thanks girl."

I suddenly feel jealous and I can't help the frown on my face, there seems to be a familiar banter between them and I don't like it.

"She had to change into her Mockingjay suit, we were out in the forest and she laid out the suit over some bushes. I grabbed it for her, which explains my hands." Finnick explains.

Ivy nods then looks at me and walks towards me. "We should head back home, shower, and get ready for dinner…" She announces as if nobody else were in the room.

"Hum, yeah. Let's go" I get up and instantly get dizzy, I fall back against the wall.

"Guys a little help?" Ivy motions towards Silas and Nathan and they help me out of the room. I take one last look at Katniss as she lays on that bed she's still staring at me as Finnick, Gale, and Johanna talk over her. Our eyes meet again, and I see it again, that same delusion, I can feel our lips together, her bare chest against mine, and the overwhelming happiness. It's a hallucination, it has to be.


	38. Chapter 38

As the weeks pass by something begins to happen, the closer I get to feeling happy, the warmer I feel among my friends, I begin to remember more. I remember more about Katniss. More importantly that the hallucination of me tearing the Mockingjay dress off her is real. One afternoon I was out in the walking paths with Silas and Nathan, the sun was about to set and I felt total peace and calmness. This sensation was so overwhelming that I had a flashback to the training center, me and Katniss sitting on the roof of the tower, enjoying the last days of what we thought would be our lives. She then leaned into me and kissed me and flat out told me that she wanted to be with me, intimately. Then I had flashes of us together, giving ourselves to each other. The happiness I remembered was more blissful than anything I can remember. When I snapped out of it, I was on the ground gasping for air and utterly confused. I can't ask her because I still don't trust her. Silas and Nathan were there and I demanded that they take me to Beetee immediately. They were very confused but they did anyway.

I have access to his classified work area and it's the first time I visit him. When I walk in, he doesn't seem surprised to see me and he rationally says. "Hello Peeta, I've been waiting for you. I assume you want to see the tapes." He states calmly.

"I do."

"John asked that when you made your way down here that you take a mild sedative just in case…"

I pull out my bottle of pills and show it to him. "I'll have them ready, and I'm not afraid to use them. But I want to be as sober as possible."

He nods, hands me the recording, and Nathan and Silas follow me into a viewing room. I set up the recording, sit back to try to relax, and I push play. Before me unfolds what I've refused to relive and witness. The tape begins with our Reapings, all of which I remember. Then I see video of the opening ceremonies to the Quell – I close my eyes with shame and sadness as I see a young man hopelessly devoted to Katniss - I couldn't take my eyes off her, I can't believe that I was there with the purpose to hang myself for her. I instantly take a pill, and my friends notice. I wipe the single tear that sheds and I take a deep breath. Then we move on to the interviews and I see Katniss in an awful wedding gown that turned into an even more dreadful Mockingjay dress. I feel furious seeing this because we were unknowing pawns for Haymitch. Here was Katniss thinking she was only sticking it to Snow with this statement but it was so much more, she was presented to the whole of Panem that this was their Mockingjay. Never mind her lack of consent. Then it's my turn and I hear what Silas, Johanna, and Nathan already told me. My beautiful brilliant lie that set the Capitol aflame. I smile feeling very satisfied with myself, but it's short because I paid for it dearly.

The Quell begins and I'm mesmerized, it's amazing that when I would watch my first Games I remember feeling horrified, but now after what the Capitol did to me, I'm almost unfeeling. The horrors playing out on the screen don't compare to the horrors I lived in the Capitol as its captor. I feel terrible when I see how I struggle physically after the electrocution. Seeing myself, my young self, hurts. I so badly want to protect that boy. I begin to cry and I feel Silas's hand on my back.

"Why didn't I care about myself then as much as I do now… I was so naïve." I say sadly.

We keep watching. Then it's me and Katniss keeping guard. I begin to talk to her, it's interesting that I knew Haymitch would double cross one of us, if only I would have known how heavy the price was. I then pull the locket. "That's it" I say aloud, "I remember this." Then for some reason Nathan places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it as if I need extra support. I pay close attention again and I'm completely unprepared to hear Katniss tell me that she can't go on without me and when I try to interject she silences me with a desperate kiss. It's not like the staged and manipulated kisses we shared. This looks real and genuine because I do remember something about Katniss, she was a terrible actor. The moment heats up and for a second I actually believe we may have sex, until Finnick woke up, pulling us apart.

I'm suddenly aware that I'm on my feet and both Silas and Nathan are holding on to one of my hands. I keep looking at the recording and I see the rest of it. I notice that the Victors were obviously trying to keep me safe, I hear the ridiculous plan that Beetee had, and I now know why it was so intricate. I can't help but laugh. I take note that Beetee, Finnick, and Johanna were obviously trying to keep me and Katniss apart. I don't have to remember my rationale to know that Katniss and I must have had a pact to split up from them and they must have known that. So to keep us near them they kept us apart. Johanna and Katniss took off with that stupid coil, I see the Careers cut it, and when they do I close my eyes because it actually feels like they cut into me. I once again see Finnick insist I stay put while he goes on to figure out what happened. Then I see Johanna brutally attack Katniss, I know instantly when she cuts into her arm that she's removing the tracking device. She left her looking mutilated. I then see me and Beetee and we panic the moment we hear a canyon. I then give Beetee a knife and advise him to take his own life because I will kill him myself otherwise. I'm shocked to hear my brutality and then I see how I snapped Brutus's spine in half, all while desperately looking for Katniss. She then makes it back to the tree and starts to scream my name for one reason only, to get the Careers, including Finnick, and Johanna to come after her. When she finally spots them all she then shoots the arrow towards the shield, to take herself out along with my other competition, and the screen goes black.

We stand silent for minutes. Finally Nathan breaks the silence. "That was the last thing we saw. Not even a minute later Peacekeepers came marching towards us ready to attack, and we had no idea why. We were ready, we fought, for hours, until the firebombs came. Then we made it out alive, barely."

I look away from him and wipe the silent tears on my face. I stare at the blank screen that is now only making a buzzing zone.

"They could have told us." I whisper.

"I'm sorry." I hear his voice behind me and I feel shivers down my spine instantly. I turn around slowly and it's Haymitch. "Beetee told me you came to see it."

"You should leave." Silas tells him in the most serious tone I've ever heard come out of him.

But I realize that I don't want him to leave. "You should have told us! You had no right! You fucking used us and you ripped us apart!" I continue to protest. I see Nathan and Silas position themselves between us expecting me to charge I'm sure but I'm more level headed than any of us can imagine.

"I'm so sorry Peeta. I have no excuse."

"Do you know what that lie did to us, how much it could have spared us if you had just said the truth." I cry our desperately to him. "Those two kids loved each other – I know that now, and you, the Capitol, and the rebels destroyed them. You crushed what little we had in our lives."

He just nods. "Peeta that truth pains me but how far were those two kids and their love going to go with the Capitol standing." He tells me calmly.

I consider what he's saying and he's completely right but it still doesn't make it right. "Well I hope you're still getting something out of us, I'm a brain damaged man that walks with pills in my pocket to keep myself from turning into a homicidal maniac at any second and Katniss…" I stop because an unexpected sob escapes me. "Katniss is a fucking morphling, just like the ones from 6, running around dressed in a Mockingjay costume to rally up the troops. What a joke! she can't even finish a single training drill! All for the propaganda." Then I stop and breathe. "And we're doing it, we're winning but not because of me or the Mockingjay, because people are finally sick of dying in the Capitol's Arenas, be it the Game's Arenas or our damned District Arenas!" Then I have nothing more to say. I just stand there staring at him fighting to catch my breath.

"I have no excuse, I just want you to know that I couldn't call the shots. Everyone's lives were on the line, not just yours and Katniss. This plan has been in the making for longer than you've been alive. I suddenly saw myself attached to two tributes, and how I felt couldn't matter more than this Revolution. As much as it killed me… I couldn't risk it." I see so much pain in his eyes and I hate that I do understand him. I believe in this revolution as much as anybody here, it's why I would die for it but it doesn't take away the sting of his betrayal.

"I'm here willingly fighting ready to die for Panem's future. All you had to do was say what we were fighting for…"

"I know that – you would have. Without a doubt you would have, Katniss on the other hand not so much. She probably would have run off into the woods to hide."

"For good reason." I interject. "More importantly, she had a right to say no or yes. Unlike the rest of us soldiers, you all reaped her again!" And I just storm out because I can't look at him anymore. More importantly the pain of what I saw and what it meant hits me. Silas and Nathan run after me and we make it into an elevator. I lean against the wall and wrap my arms around myself and I can't contain the sobs that start coming. More importantly, I can't control the buzzing in my head and I begin to feel the monster's presence known. I collapse and I see Silas over me as lose my senses.

* * *

I wake up and I instantly recognize my old padded room, without feeling them, I anticipate the restraints strapping me down. I look down and I see them. Oddly enough, I don't mind them right now, I must be heavily drugged and then I feel laughter rise out of me.

"Well that has to be a good sign." I hear Silas's voice. I look towards the side and he's there with Nathan.

"How bad was it?" I ask.

"Pretty bad." He says and he turns his face to show me the other side of his face, it's both bruised and swollen."

I close my eyes. "Shit."

"I had to inject two tranquilizers – you thought I was Katniss." He says to me.

I open my eyes again and stare it him in shock. "I did? But…"

"What?" Nathan interjects. "Did you think that because you remembered that the girl loved you that you'd be cured of the rewiring the Capitol did on you?" He asks sounding annoyed.

I think about what he says and do my best to ignore his tone. "I guess so." I admit.

He nods looking infuriated now.

"Say it." I say to him.

"What are you doing? Are you going to go back to that? That desperate boy walking around with a noose around your neck, ready to use it in her honor?!" He's yelling now.

"No!" I scream back.

Nathan then gets in my face "You better fucking not, I can't watch you go through that again." He shouts back, he then turns around and walks out.

Silas then hooks me up to something and he listens to my heart with a stethoscope. I stare at him in amazement, I still can't believe he's going to be a doctor. "Why are you grinning?" he asks. "You just got told off."

"I'm not going there again, I'm not going to die for her again." I say to him. "I'll talk to him when I get out. Why is it so hard to believe that realizing that she loved me would be shocking. Do you understand that the capitol made me believe that she wanted to kill me, to destroy my life. Up until now I've been walking around believing that, I have to remind myself that it's a lie but my gut tells me no. Now I have undeniable proof that it's a lie." I sigh as I see his eyes, he doesn't fully get it. "You'll never know why this is huge."

He then pulls back the stethoscope and looks me over. "I hope you try to make us understand and not shut us out like before. When you got back from your first Games, I remember that you once told me how you felt that none of us would ever understand why you felt the way you did. It hurt to hear you say that, because we shared everything. But, I believed you too. You then said that the only person that could help you and even heal you was her, Katniss." He says it bitterly. "So you shut us out and lived for her instead. We let it happen, we thought whatever makes you better, but you weren't. When you continued your relationship with Ivy after your first Games, I thought, that's good. It has to be, he'll move on. But you never did. And you hurt her and us, and more importantly you drove yourself to the ground"

"Silas." I begin to say but he interrupts me.

"No let me finish. When the quell announcement was made, I was fucking furious. Because there was a damn good chance that you would not go into that arena, in fact the odds were in your favor." He laughs, yet he sounds sad. "I actually felt happy for a second, and then reality hit me. Without a doubt you were going to go knocking on the Quell's door, to save her." He nods. "If that's love, it's fucking poison." He says plainly.

Our eyes meet and I see how much I've hurt him. I nod. "You do understand that I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like I'm still healing for that boy, Peeta, the boy that entered two Arenas. He has questions, and I still feel him hurting. I needed answers. What I felt for her was toxic. I remember being in the Capitol, they hadn't completely skewed my mind. I remember having clarity, no longer the memories, but still, I came to the same conclusion you did. I wasn't kind to myself and was willing to die for people. That's no good. I remember I told Johanna, regardless of how Katniss ended up leaving my heart, through torture or me simply finally letting it go, I didn't want that love anymore because it was toxic. I don't like that I stopped loving myself for someone else. I'm never going to do that again."

I look at Silas his brows are tense and his eyes are filled with tears. "I'm going to take you on your word." He then finishes examining me and he then takes the restrains off. "You're fine." He hands me two pills. "They're sleeping aids – you're not going home until you sleep through the night."

"How long have I been here?" It finally occurs to me to ask.

"Three days, without much sleep." He then squeezes my forearm, turns around, and leaves.

I close my eyes and instantly fall asleep.

As I walk into my compartment, I instantly feel that Ivy is not here. I am also very aware that Ivy didn't come to see me during my week in the psych ward. I sit and wait patiently for her to arrive. Hours later, after I complete many relaxing exercises as prescribed to me by John, she finally walks in. The moment she walks in, her face falls and I know instantly that something is wrong.

"Hey." I say to her.

"Hi." I notice that she tears up instantly and this surprises me, she's usually so much more collected than this.

I cut to the chase. "I missed you." I say to her and she seems surprised and I look her over curiously. "That surprises you?" I ask her.

She nods yes and the tears start running. "I mean no, I just…"

"Why didn't you come see me?" I ask.

"I didn't know you wanted to see me." She says.

"What? Why would you think that?"

She takes a deep breath and composes herself. She comes to the couch, sits next to me, and grabs my hand. "I went to visit when you were in a state of psychosis. I asked Silas what happened, what set you off and he told me that you insisted on watching the Quell." She stays silent and stares at me.

"I think you know it was only a matter of time before I did that… I know I put it off because I didn't think I could handle it, to avoid what did happen but I'm not going to avoid my past out of fear of these attacks, otherwise I'll always be a slave to an uncertainty. It will be like a ghost that haunts me."

I observe her and she looks nervous, I'm not sure why. Her usual steady eyes look around everywhere and actually avoid me. "What made you look at it now?" She asks nervously.

I take a deep breath and I decide to be completely honest. "Ivy, I've been remembering things. I've been getting flashbacks and when I see these images the feelings that went with them follow, that's how I know it's not a psychotic hallucination." I stop to take a breath. "I began to remember things that happened between me and Katniss." As soon as I say this she looks away from me nervously.

"You saw the beach scene." She tells me and I now understand her nervousness.

I nod. "Yes I did. I didn't remember that but I did remember other things." She stares nervously at me. "Ivy, Katniss and I were in love. " As soon as I say this she loses her breath and inhales sharply I'm suddenly reminded of the conversation we had when I came back from my Games, where I confessed to her how much I loved Katniss. I start to laugh because I realize how young we were and Ivy looks startled. I stop laughing and grab her hand. "Yeah I know it's not funny and yes, I am crazy. Ivy, I remembered that somewhere in the middle of that charade, that circus; Katniss and I did become lovers." I notice that Ivy's breathing quickens as she looks at me and then pulls her eyes off me. "I remember that the boy that was reaped into two Games wanted nothing more than that love; but not anymore." And when I say this she looks for me again, stunned. "I don't feel that way about her anymore. But I needed to figure out this past."

"Are you going to talk to her about this?" Ivy asks.

"No. There's no point, it's in the past now and it's out of my life. You know, I imposed myself in her life. Our circumstances…" Then I think of the time I gave her the bread that saved her life and I think of her confessions to me as I held her in my arms after giving ourselves to each other, that she referred to me as her boy with the bread since we were eleven years old. Thinking about this shakes something inside my heart and I desperately rationalize this sentiment. I look for Ivy's eyes again. "Our bond – the bond that we shared since we were children, our shared traumas, our shared lives…"

Ivy interrupts me. "You. Your kindness, your courage, and your love made her fall in love with you Peeta. It pains me to say it, but it's the truth."

I nod gently at her. "We are tied to a terrible past, and somehow we found love in a hopeless place. But we or that time are no longer the same. I have nothing to offer her now."

As soon as I say this she throws her arms around me and lets out soft sobs, no doubt she's relieved. I think of Silas's conversation with me yesterday and my friends are all afraid for me, not so much my psychosis but afraid of my past connection to Katniss. They are terrified that I will sink again. I hold onto Ivy too, fearing the same scenario.


	39. Chapter 39

I'm sitting in the cafeteria with Ivy and Nathan when I feel his hand on my shoulder. Before I even look up I see Ivy and Nathan's faces. They look upset and startled, it's a good thing I made a note of their expressions because I put up my guard instantly. I look at the hand on my shoulder and look behind me. I see his gray Seam eyes.

"Haymitch" I say bitterly and I brush his hand off my shoulder.

"We need to talk" He sounds like his old self, like I owe him my time. He registers my thoughts because he proceeds to sit down across from me without a care in the world. He looks around.

"Are you okay?" Ivy asks me. I look at her and I see that she's not taking her eyes off him, she and Nathan look weary of him.

I check my inner self and I honestly feel calm, upset to see him, but calm. "I'm fine. Make it quick Haymitch, I was planning on enjoying my dinner."

He looks down a my food then looks up at me, then he looks at Ivy and now she's shooting daggers at him. He laughs her off and I breathe sharply. " Peeta, things are happening. You're mission was pushed back and the destination was changed."

"So."

"Well, you were suppose to go to 5, along with your unit."

"I know. What's the big deal it's not the first time missions are changed. Do you know where I'm going next?"

"Yes, and I know why." He replies.

I feel impatient. "Drop the melodramatics and just tell me."

"Coin wants to send your unit and Katniss to District 1"

"What?" Ivy protests. I jump too so I reach to hold her hand and squeeze it.

"Don't tell me Coin is planning to shoot a fucking propo – I'm not going to pretend fight…" I begin to complain but Haymitch cuts me off.

"No Peeta. Coin is trying to do a few things. This war is almost over, no more than a year. I'm certain of it and we will win. No doubt. All that is left is District 1 and 2. We have some rebels but they are outnumbered. A mission there will be violent and deadly. Not to mention, awfully close to the Capitol."

I inhale sharply, I can actually feel my back tightening up. "Can she send me there? There's no way Jon is going to approve that."

"She'll go over his head. Like I said this is her opportunity to do a few things. Have you all heard the requests coming from the districts. After we win, the vast majority want a parliament, no more undivided power by one individual. There will be a prime minster of sorts to oversee the country as we transition into the Parliament," He stops and smiles, clearly he's happy about the news. I don't think I've ever seen him like this.

"Let me guess, it's not what Coin wants."

He eyes me knowingly. "You're still quick." I glare at him. "Panem will not be handed over to Coin. She's pissed." Haymitch nods and looks around again. Now I realize that he's making sure no one is listening in. "Word has it…" He begins to whisper. "There is an overwhelming favorite. Paylor."

Nathan and I look at each other and smile. "For good reason. " Nathan says plainly. "It would be amazing if she won."

Haymitch smiles at him and nods. "It sure would. Which brings me to my next point. Why your unit is being reassigned to 1, along with Katniss. Here's Coin's logic. If we all make it to the end, you and Katniss will undoubtedly support Paylor. You two still have influence over a lot of people."

"Especially the Mockingjay." Ivy points out.

"That's right red." Haymitch tells her and Ivy glares at him, she hates being called red. "Anyway, she's trying to get you all out of the way. Send Paylor to 1, intense and dangerous fighting, her life will be on the line. Snow has put a huge target on her back and now Coin is sending her into the wolf's mouth."

"It could be a suicide mission for any Lieutenant." Nathan points out.

I nod. "Then there's me and Katniss."

Ivy stares at me and I can't help but look into her eyes. "I knew it would only be a matter of time before Coin did this. You know what I'm talking about right?" She presses me.

"Yes." I look at Haymitch. "Send me into a volatile situation to set the bomb off in my head, I kill the Mockingjay. Paylor can die in a lot of ways, it's war after all. And I sign my death sentence for murder."

Haymitch looks pained and he nods at me. "I wanted to give you a heads up. We are going to try to change this – but there isn't much we can do. I thought, that if I gave you a heads up you wouldn't be shocked and maybe you can prepare for it…" He looks nervous because he doesn't know what to say.

"Mentally – so that I can prepare mentally." I say to him. He nods yes. "Thanks for the heads up."

He stands up and looks at us, he then looks down at our plates. "Sorry for ruining your dinner." I throw the spoon on my plate feeling defeated. I nod and with that Haymitch walks away. I stare into space for a second to assess myself but I feel nothing. I'm then distracted by the silence among us. I look down and stare at Ivy's hand. It's hanging midair trembling. I look at her face and she looks furious. I gently reach out to touch her hand but she abruptly pulls it away.

"Don't" She declares as she pulls her hand back. She startles both me and Nathan and I jump back.

"Ivy.."

But she closes her eyes when she hears me and her face can be best described as pained. "Just don't…" She gets up and walks away.

I'm taken aback, I feel like she's mad at me and I can' understand why. "Why is she mad at me?"

Nathan looks at me sympathetically. "She's not mad at you – she's afraid for you, mad for you. Just give her space." I nod.

When I get back to our room she's not there. I decide to read a book to try to relax. There's nothing I can do right now with the news Haymitch shared with me. I'm actually more concerned about Ivy. She finally walks in and she looks more serene now. When our eyes meet she takes a deep breath.

"You know I often wonder what our children will look like. Before you even made it to 13, I was sitting in a classroom learning about genetics, recessive genes and dominant genes. "

"Ivy…" I begin to interject because I don't understand why she's talking about this.

She cuts me off by raising her voice to speak over me. "You and I have recessive genes, we're full of them. Your once blonde hair – now light brown, my red hair, your blue eyes, my green eyes." She stares at me for a few seconds, probably to make sure I'm not going to interrupt her again. I look gently at her, allowing her to continue. "Because we have recessive genes our children will have blue eyes, like yours. At least at first then maybe they'll turn green. "

My heart melts when she says this and I feel my eyes water. "What about their hair?"

She smiles. "That's a tossup. Red or blonde. I want to find out." And her voice cracks when she says this. I run to her and embrace her and just as I do she begins to sob. I kiss her lips desperately to appease her. I lift her in my arms and take her to our bed where I make love to her. After, she lays in my arms and tells me about delivering children. She's had the opportunity to assist a handful of deliveries in the District. They are not happening often due to the restrictive birth control rules and due to war restrictions, but alas no birth control is one-hundred percent effective. I enjoy listening to her talk about this fascination of hers. She's resting her head against my chest as I run my fingers through her long red locks.

We both jump when I hear my communicator go off. Ivy and I both stare at it for a while before I finally sit up and reach for it. I read the message – Emergency Victor Meeting. I set it down and look at Ivy who lays bare in our bed, she looks angry again.

"You have to go." She says plainly.

"Yes, emergency victor meeting. Maybe…" But I don't dare hope. "I better get going." I lean over towards her to kiss her. "I love you." I say to her.

"I know." She tells me. I smile at her and put on my leg and stand up to get dressed. I look at her and I notice that she's studying me as I get dressed. I look at her and she's still laying there naked lost in thought as she twirls one of her red locks in her fingers. I smile at her.

"Did you know that I made a large life size nude portrait of you back in 12?" I ask because I genuinely don't know if she knew about it. I know she never posed for me.

She snaps out of whatever trance she's in and she stares at me looking amused. "You did?"

I nod. "Yeah." She starts to laugh.

"Maybe it's still there." She tells me.

"Doubt it, they destroyed everything." I say casually.

"Not Victor Village."

"I Didn't' know that." I stare at her thoughtfully.

She shrugs. "From what I heard that's still intact. It makes sense, if Capitol people or peacekeepers need to go to survey the District, they'll need somewhere to stay." She starts to laugh. "Oh my – I bet you they searched through your house, Haymitch, and Katniss's houses after the Quell. Wow, way to give those assholes and eyeful."

I start to laugh at the thought, a bunch of Capitol people searching through my home and finding my studio, coming across a nude painting of a beautiful redhead. "Wow – ugh – I hate to think that those bastards grabbed all the paintings and put them in display in the Capitol. In fact I wouldn't put it past them – I can see the headlines. Come see the Traitor's Art work" I say it imitating the Capitol accent. "Great way to distract the idiots with yet another party." I say in disgust.

"Well I hope you did me justice." She says teasing me and I laugh.

"I'm sure I did a good job, you're burned onto my memory." I say to her and she smiles. "I better get going." She nods and the humor escapes us, and with that I head out.

* * *

I walk into our usual meeting space. I feel amused when I see Johanna and Katniss sitting next to each other talking amicably. When I walk in they both stare at me, once again I'm the last one there but I'm not late. I take a seat next to Finnick.

"Peeta." He greets me.

I nod at him. "Hi Finnick. How's Annie?" I ask genuinely curious.

"She's good." He laughs. "She wants to have a baby desperately but I have to keep reminding her that she's on birth control and that because of the war we can't right now."

I laugh at the thought. "No kidding. Ivy and I just had a long conversation about how our children will look like. She was telling me about the genetics of it all." I look at Finnick and I see his green eyes and I think of Annie's green eyes. "Your kids will have green eyes." I tell him cheerfully and he laughs.

"I didn't know that was predetermined." He says.

"Apparently it is, kind of, I think. I'm not the one studying to be a doctor."

"You got a smart woman Peeta."

"I know, I'm lucky." We both laugh and it feels good to talk to him like this again.

Our good banter is short lived because we look up and realize that Katniss and Johanna heard our conversation. They look pained. I swallow hard. I haven't allowed myself to think about what Katniss and I shared, the fact that we were in fact in love. I have refused to think about her feelings now and where she stands. The idea is unsettling so I look away. Thankfully Coin walks in, followed by a very angry Boggs and Jon. My stomach sinks.

Coin begins talking without her usual greeting. "We are here to discuss our next mission. It's a big one." She says enthusiastically. "We need to do something drastic to crack 1 and 2. We're going to have to pull together and take a big hit. We'll begin with 1, we absolutely need to isolate 2, then…" She actually smiles genuinely. "we officially cut off the Capitol from every resource they have, at this point it's just weapons." She then stays silent.

I look around the room and my eyes land on Haymitch's eyes. We stare at each other intently.

"Katniss you will enter 1 alongside Lieutenant Boggs and Lieutenant Paylor – and her unit, including Peeta."

My eyes look down to the table and I assess how I'm doing. The heads-up definitely helped. If anything I'm feeling more anxious over the tense silence in the room. Nobody knows what to say, I feel powerless, and this makes me furious. I look around the room, but I avoid Coin, and everyone is eerily quiet. Speechless, they're all speechless. I remember that words are my specialty. I realize that Coin has openly declared war on me, well no, on Katniss. Once again I'm supposed to be nothing more than collateral damage. This is not Katniss's fault. This is Coin, like Snow before her. For close to four years, I've made every effort to not live my life for Katniss, I've treated her as nothing more than an afterthought, and here I am again. I look at Coin and she's looking at Katniss with a smile on her face. Meanwhile Katniss is staring at the table, her eyes wide, filled with horror, her shoulders hunched over, defeated. I'm furious now. Then I remember the Revolution, how it's being led by one person who is not in it. Coin is in it for herself and not the well-being of an entire country. This thought gives me clarity. I begin to laugh hysterically and everyone looks at me nervously. I even see Jon reach for his bag, probably reaching for a syringe. This makes me laugh harder.

I take a deep breath and look at Coin, my good humor makes her smile. "Well Coin, you are really screwing us over." I start to laugh again.

"Pardon – Peeta…" Coin begins but I interrupt her.

"Shove it." I say it looking right into her eyes. "And don't worry. I'm going on this mission, I'll be with the rest of my unit, fighting alongside Paylor. Katniss will be there, doing propaganda and likely fighting too." I say this looking at Katniss, she looks bewildered. "And I promise you one thing Coin. We're going to win. We're going to make the dent we all need so that we can finally start finishing the war. "

"Peeta." Coin begins but I raise my voice to talk over her.

"And you know what else – Paylor is going to shine so much, she'll surely win for Parliament." I stare coolly into her freezing glare. "I can see the propos now, Paylor taking down the last of the Capitol's peacekeepers, with the Mockingjay on her back. And I promise you one more thing, I will personally make sure no harm comes to Katniss, not from me or anyone else. I promise you that." I'm shaking now I'm so angry. I grab the pitcher of water that is in front of me and I throw it past Coin, where it slams and shatters against the wall behind her. "You want to take on a room full of Victors, that are trying to survive the memory of our Districts and fight for our freedom too? You got it." I walk out the room slamming the door behind me.

* * *

We were scheduled to depart a week after the meeting but now Coin has postponed it our departure but not the mission. She sent in the troops to 1 without Paylor or Boggs, the two most successful lieutenants. Rumor has it that she also sent in the troops without enough weapons. Without a doubt Coin is setting us up with the biggest disadvantage possible. We end up leaving a month and half after the meeting. Delly and Ivy are terrified but no more than me. The stress that I feel knowing that this mission has a target on my back makes me worry for Silas and Nathan's safety. I met privately with Boggs and begged him to let them stay behind but there was nothing he could do.

I've been on a total of three missions and each time Ivy looks confident but this one is causing her so much anguish she's too sick with grief to even get out of bed. I'm shocked by her frailty, I never thought I would see this. I hate to leave like this.

"Ivy – please you have to be strong. I will come back, I promise." It's the only thing I can try to do to calm her. But every time I say something she begins to cry. I hear a knock on the door and I get up from our bed and head to open the door. When I open it I see Jon standing there.

"Peeta – I'm sorry to interrupt but you're very late to our appointment. You can't leave without your medication."

"I'm sorry. I lost track of time. Ivy is really depressed. She was up all night sick to her stomach from the stress of my departure… I don't want her to get sick." I say this all while looking into our bedroom. When I look towards John his eyes look shaky as he stares in the same direction.

"May I see her." Jon asks.

I nod. "Sure – would you mind examining her, I think she has a fever." I say to him as I walk him in.

"Ivy – Dr. Thrive came looking for me but I asked him to examine you." I say to her. She quickly sits up on the bed and stares at Jon. I'm taken aback by this, there's something about her eyes as she looks at him. She's so pale from the lack of sleep, the crying, her loss of appetite that her red hair seems somehow brighter in contrast to her complexion and her emerald green eyes are shining from the steady stream of tears.

"Ivy, Peeta tells me you're not feeling well. I'm going to take your temperature." He heads over to her, sits next to her and presses his hand to her cheek, takes her blood pressure, and checks her eyes. He looks back at me, nods, and looks back at her. "Ivy, I'm going to give you a sleeping aid. You're suffering from exhaustion."

"What about Peeta, what are you giving him?" Ivy finally speaks up, of course she's thinking about me. I take a deep breath when she says this.

Jon smiles sweetly at her and takes her hand in his. "Ivy, he has all of his medications. I made sure to pick it up from the pharmacist. After she takes her sleeping pills I hold her until she falls asleep. I tell her how much I love her. I finally let my fearful tears run. I kiss her lips and leave our quarters.

* * *

District 1 is horrendous. How do you fight a tidal wave. We are holding our own and we would win this but we don't have enough soldiers and our supplies are dwindling. Paylor breaks protocol left and right because she knows what Coin is up to and she'll be damned if she is going to follow her orders after this mission. Luckily, Boggs continues to cover for her back in 13, where he was forced to stay behind. Paylor keeps me and Katniss apart. I only see her sometimes if we end up in camp at the same time. Regardless I hear about her courage and brave maneuvering. In fact she successfully forced peacekeepers from 1 to ask for a seize fire because she took out a major source of equipment with one of her arrows, an entire warehouse full of weapons was blown up. When I heard the news I had a smile on my face for the whole day.

We sit around camp waiting for the unit she's with to arrive to congratulate all of them. Nathan, Silas, and Johanna all accompany me and we finally see her unit make their way to the camp. I see her laugh with her fellow soldiers. She tosses her bow over her shoulder and I feel nostalgia because I used to look at her and feel pride. Where did all that admiration go? I'm feeling it now and it's hard to look past her. As they come closer I see Gale come up from behind them and he throws his arm around her. She happily looks up at him as he adoringly gazes down into her eyes. I can make out his words to her – I'm so proud of you. Then he leans down and kisses her. She reaches up to place her hand on his face. She pulls back slowly and smiles. I then realize that I stopped breathing and I force myself to inhale. I then nervously look away.

"I should go take my medicine and sleep some more." I announce to my friends. I reach into my pocket and I see that the bottle I left 13 with is now empty. "Wow, it's been four weeks already."

"You have the prescriptions John picked up for you before you left." Silas reminds me and he laughs. "He packed a year's worth just in case."

"He's looking out for me." I tell him. I look past him and I see Katniss talking to someone else as Gale embraces her as he stands behind her. "I should go rest." I walk away from my unit and when I enter my quarters I look through my bag and find the refills Jon got for me. I open a new bottle and take my dose and I quickly fall asleep after.

I wake up shortly after and I find myself covered in sweat. I had horrific night terrors. I tried to rouse myself awake but with no success. So now I feel a lot of anxiety, an unnatural amount. I don't feel like myself, and that says a lot. I sit up and groggily stare at the wall to try to assess my senses. I feel fine just a lot of anxiety and I have to admit my mind is a little clouded. Just then Nathan and Silas walk through my door. The moment they see me the laughter they had walked in with escapes them. They are just staring at me and for some reason their weary eyes makes me laugh hysterically and a part of me even wonders what is so funny, there is something macabre about my laugh and it makes a part of me very nervous.

"Are you okay?" Silas asks.

"Yeah why? I just woke up. Is it dinner time yet?"

"Yes." Nathan replies still looking me over.

"What?" I ask him sternly and this makes him jump a little.

"Nothing – well you don't look well. Are you sure you're feeling okay." Nathan asks.

"Yeah." I jump up not realizing that I have not attached my prosthetic, which makes me crash to the floor. Once again I start to laugh hysterically. I look over at Nathan and Silas and they look tense again. I sit up and pull myself on the bed again. I attach my leg again and slowly stand up again. I look at my friends as they stare at me. "Okay. I'm starving." I head out of the door and they follow me.

"Did you take your medicine?" Silas asks me.

"Sure did." I tell him as I speed up.

When I enter the cafeteria I spot Johanna sitting on the same table as Finnick, Gale and Katniss. My mind wonders back to this afternoon and the thought of Gale kissing Katniss upsets me. But when Johanna sees me she waves me over and for some reason I find myself amused by the idea of joining them to have dinner because I know it will make Katniss uncomfortable. I head in their direction and Nathan and Silas follow me.

"Hey gorgeous." I kiss Johanna on her cheek and she smiles approvingly at me. She then pats the seat next to her inviting me to sit next to her and I do.

"Good evening everyone." I look directly at Katniss and no one else, I can see I unnerve her. I shoot her a charming smile and she looks bewildered. She nervously looks towards Gale and he just glares at me.

"Hi Gale." I say to him sounding overly friendly and obviously insincere, he just frowns at me in return.

I laugh. "Are you ever going to get past me breaking your nose?" I ask him.

"Hey" Silas interrupts me. "Let's just eat dinner." He tells me and I look at him and he looks at me curiously.

Finnick breaks the tension by starting conversation with Nathan. The two's easy personalities seem to put everyone at ease and we all focus on eating and occasionally nodding or offering a comment. I however, also feel increasingly self-aware. I almost feel high. Then I'm distracted by the private conversation that Gale begins to have with Katniss. He talks right into her ear so that no one hears and she leans into him to answer. They look serious at first but then she breaks a smile. For some reason my friends' voices just seem like buzzing insects and all I can focus on is how Katniss interacts with Gale. He then grabs her hand and clutches it towards his chest.

I rudely interrupt the conversation taking place among everyone. "So what's going on here?!" I gesture between Gale and Katniss as everyone jumps from my unexpected question. Everyone looks at their direction. "Are you two finally an official couple? Or are you guys forced to sneak around because of me and the stupid propaganda?" I ask loudly and curtly.

"we're not a couple." Gale tells me calmly as he eyes me over wearily.

I can't deny the wave of relief that rushes over me. "Oh – still dragging our bullshit along then?" I ask Katniss.

"No one is dragging anything along anymore. We simply don't talk about it, the soldiers obviously figured it out on their own since we get along so splendidly." She says this sarcastically and I look at her begrudgingly. "As for the rest of Panem they can keep on believing it if they need to or want to."

I look at her for a second I feel the taste of spite in my mouth. I hate her this second. I then remember the memory of us making love. I maliciously smile at the idea that she may still love me. I look at Gale and without really thinking I hear myself say it aloud. "Poor idiot." I tell him.

"What did you say to me?" He asks instantly angry.

"Did I say that out loud?" I say menacingly.

"Peeta." Silas calls out to me and I look at him. "Maybe we should get back." He tells me.

"What? I'm not even done eating. I'm starving." I tell him. I look back at Katniss and look her over as if I were looking at some prize. I smile at her and look into her eyes. "I'm very hungry."

She looks a little startled and she even blushes a little. I turn my attention to my plate and continue to eat feeling satisfied with myself. Once again, Finnick interjects by changing the topic of conversation and this time even Johanna joins in his effort by earnestly adding her personality and interpretation to every subject which makes everyone laugh. Once again I see Gale talk into Katniss's ear and once again I flare up.

"You know Katniss I never had a follow-up conversation with you again? Since Finnick's wedding. Remember I had a lot of questions?"

This time Katniss stares coolly at me, she's clearly irritated by me. "You never came calling again." She tells me simply.

I smile at her. "Well, you see I started to have a lot of flashbacks that were only adding to my confusion because it didn't make sense. " She looks at me curiously and I continue. "As you know I do remember some things about our act. I remember what a terrible actress you were, and that any physical contact we ever had only happened for the cameras, and no offense, but you were pretty terrible at that too. Like I said terrible actress - must have been your inexperience..." I shoot a knowing look at Gale and his jaw continues to clench with tension.

"What's your point?" She asks coolly.

"Well… my flashbacks don't make sense. If all of our intimacy was saved for the cameras – why do I have images of you waking up in bed with me, morning after morning…" I say it crassly. I am getting a strange satisfaction from fucking with her like this. I know how far we went but she doesn't know that I know and something tells me she's either hoping desperately that I don't remember or squirming that I do. Either way it's an uncomfortable and even soar subject for her. I of course, also say this to rub it in Gales' face.

"Peeta…" Silas calls to me glaringly and Johanna goes to grab my hand.

But then Katniss interrupts them by raising her hand as if to halt them through her gesture, and order really. I look at her and she looks at me coolly. "Well Peeta, that's simple really. I can't tell you how many times you came to my bed begging me to let you in, I had compassion for you and you did help me sleep so…" She trails off and then proceeds to eat.

I feel my blood boil. Then I have a moment of clarity. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" I ask out loud. I look around and it's as if I realize I'm sitting at that table for the first time. I feel confused but yet I'm not, I know exactly where I am and what just happened. I look around and everyone looks startled. The moment I see Katniss something snaps. "You bitch!" but before anything else happens I feel a needle enter my neck. I grab my assailant and look up and see Silas restraining me as he pulls the syringe with his other hand. Finnick jumps over the table and helps restrain me and now, Nathan is helping them hold me down on the floor. All I hear is buzzing in my head and in the distance I see Gale pulling Katniss away. Just then I feel something subdue inside of me. And the last thing I hear is my whisper "I'm sorry Katniss." Leave my lips. Then total darkness.

* * *

When I wake up I'm confused and I have a killer head ache and for some reason this makes me laugh. I then see Johanna next to me rubbing my hand.

"Hey, it's okay Peeta. You had an episode."

"It's not okay Jo." I say laughing. "This isn't funny."

"Just try to relax. I'm going to get Silas." But before she can leave Silas walks in.

"Oh good. You're up." He tells me. "How are you feeling?"

"Completely off." I say to him.

"Did you take your medicine?" He asks as he pulls my bottle out of his pocket and uncaps it.

"Yes I did." I assure him.

He stares at me looking concerned but then he smiles, clearly trying to reassure me. "Well, Jon did say that if you don't feel well we can just up your dose by taking an extra pill."

"Silas I did. I took the medicine before I went to sleep but I had terrible nightmares and so I took another dose."

Silas now looks concerned. He shakes out the bottle and takes three pills to his mouth and swallows them.

"What the fuck are you doing that's dangerous!" I shout at him.

"I know." He tells me. He sits next to me and stares at me. " We're going to find out if we're either the experimental group or control group."

"What?" I ask not knowing what the hell he's talking about.

"Wait, this won't be fast enough." He talks to himself as he stares at the bottle. He stands up and looks through my bag and takes out more medicine. He shows me a vile. "This is liquid form, it's meant to work faster." He then looks at Johanna.

"Jo baby, you don't mind shooting up do you? It's for a good cause." He smiles charmingly at her and Johanna laughs.

"No, we have no idea how it can affect her!" I shout at him. But he's quick and he injects her with the medicine.

Then he looks at me. "Actually we do, it should at the very least subdue you in seconds. Feeling drowsy?" He asks her.

She stands still for long time as we stare at her, and I can feel the tension in the air it's filling the air like uncomfortable humidity.

"Well?!" Silas shouts at her. Johanna and I jump, I look at Silas and I realize that he's terrified.

"Nothing, I feel nothing." Johanna tells him nervously.

"it can't be." Silas says aloud. He runs to my bag again and pulls out another syringe and bottle of liquid medicine. He injects himself and I'm too terrified to react. He stops and waits for a few seconds. He then takes another one and injects himself again but nothing happens. We sit there breathing heavy as the reality starts to sink in. This medicine is not going to work, it's not meant to. I was set up. Silas actually goes to grab another bottle of medicine but Johanna grabs him by his arms.

"Stop!"

Silas pushes her away. He looks at me looking terrified. "we need to tell Paylor." He runs out of the room. Johanna stares after him and then she looks at me. She actually looks scared, I've never seen her scared before.

"Johanna – will you bring me my bag." She nods and brings it to me. I pull out something that Jon has always packed for me, just as a precaution, thick leather portable straps. I unwind them and Johanna closes her eyes when she sees what it is. "Jo, I need you to strap me in." She opens her eyes and she looks furious now but she nods and I proceed to lay down as she ties me down.

"If Jon did this, I will end him." She tells me through her teeth.

"It was Coin. There's no way Jon would do this." I say to her. She looks at me and she has a particular look in her face, the same look she had in the Arena, she's out for blood.

Just then Paylor runs in with Silas. "Peeta, Silas told me what happened."

"Can we fly him back to 13?" Johanna asks.

"I contacted Coin immediately, she denied the request. She ordered us to finish the mission first."

"But it's going to take forever! We don't have enough soldiers to finish this in a week!" Johanna shouts at her.

Paylor puts her hand on her shoulder. "I know Johanna, Coin is done with me, with Peeta, and Katniss."

"Fuck this! We can go over her head." Johanna shouts at her.

I lay there feeling sad and feeling defeated. I stare them and I'm surprised when I see a smile spread across Paylor's face.

"Johanna there's always a way." She looks at me and smiles. "Peeta survived an entire year without medicine and Johanna" she looks at her now and places both hands on her shoulders. "You were able to keep him together for a year. And we won't need a year."

"what are we going to do?" Johanna asks.

"Peeta, you'll have to bear the restraints and you will not participate in the fighting until this is resolved, and Peeta we will resolve this." I nod at her. "As you know 1, borders with 4. I'm going to cross territories and rally the backup we desperately need. Peeta you will survive this and Katniss will too. You two will go back to 13 triumphantly and Coin will have to eat it."

I can't help but smile at her plan.

* * *

Paylor left a week ago. She gave her unit orders that if she does not return in two weeks with backup from District 4, we are to evacuate regardless of what Coin may say. She has also ordered us to lay low and only act on a defense attack mode, never offense as we are in no position to strategice or overwhelm District 1. We fear that District 1 will figure out our dire situation and plan an aggressive offense. Paylor's reputation precedes her and if her presence makes them nervous, our quietness must be scaring them. They must assume we are planning a major attack. As days go by, when I experience lucid moments I am aware of the devastating conditions Coin has set up for us. I know we have more resources and she sent us with the bare minimum. To makes things worse, she gave us a very small time-frame to complete this mission and we are already close to the deadline and in no way are we close to finishing it. This means that we will run out of supplies and food. Paylor had enough sense to ration the food since she knew we would need more time to achieve the impossible.

Paylor's only orders to me is that I am to stay in my quarters strapped and sedated. I've already experience catatonic episodes that last for days since she left, just as I used to experience while I was a prisoner in the Capitol. Silas and Nathan check on me again and again, I'm rarely left alone. Johanna helps out when she can but she has been busy fighting alongside Finnick. The two are inseparable here. I get it, our circumstances are painfully familiar to them, and they know how to work together, perhaps this is their sad familiar territory. Johanna still comes to me every night if she's not camping it out in the trenches.

On the good side, while this is a highly anxious situation for me I'm finding out that I can calm myself more and more. I practice some exercises that my psychologist taught me to get through some of my anxiety attacks, which has successfully kept me from having a full-blown psychotic attack. It doesn't mean that I feel like myself. I feel a monster brewing inside of me on the brink of taking over more and more. Oddly enough it's only when Silas and Nathan come to me and give me updates of the mission, I can completely forget about my state of mind and in a strange way, as stressful as it all is, it focuses me and subdues me.

* * *

I'm awaken by the sound of explosions in the distance and I can feel the ground shake beneath me. I'm halfway up when I remember the restrains around my wrists and ankle. I then realize that Johanna came to me in the middle of my slumber and she's wide awake. In the darkness our eyes meet each other's and I can hear our hearts drumming filling in the moments of silence that exists between the explosions.

"Are you okay?" Johanna asks nervously.

"Yes." I assure her, and I am. It's a miracle that these high tense moments force me to focus allowing me to be feel extra alert and in control of the monster lurking inside of me.

"I'm going to step outside to figure out what is going on?" She tells me as she jumps to her feet. Just then the door bursts open and Nathan and Silas run though.

"We have to get out of here. District 1 is on to us and they are making the first move." Silas barks out. "We are organizing and disbursing. We need to split up into small groups. There are several resistance posts and we need to get one fast." He stops to stare at me as he tries to catch his breath. "Peeta – I'm going to need you to be mobile."

I'm terrified when I hear him. If I'm by myself I can handle this, I'm certain of it, but I instantly feel that if I'm with them, I make them all extra vulnerable.

"I think it's best that you leave me here." I say it instantly.

"Absolutely not!" Nathan shouts at me.

"I'll put you at risk, I'm certain of it. If I stay here all you have to do is untie me, I will be able to fight back. I have my weapon and I will try to hide out as much as possible. I won't go looking to fight. I promise."

"It's not an option." Silas tells me.

"Silas you have to understand…"

"No!" Johanna shouts at me. "What if they capture you?"

I don't have to think about my answer. I reply instantly. "I'll take myself out Jo." I tell her calmly and it truly is the best option, I know that.

Johanna approaches me, kneels in front of me, and takes my hand. "And what if you don't have time to off yourself because you're not thinking clearly. 1 delivers you to Snow again…" She lets the thought linger and it has the desired effect, I can hear my screams, Annie's screams, and her screams in my head. I have to close my eyes. "There's no way I'm leaving you here." Then I feel her untie my restrains.

Before I know it I'm on my feet and Silas throws my gear on my back and my weapons over my shoulder. I can feel the adrenaline between us increase by the second.

"Silas do you really think it's a good idea to arm me?" I ask sincerely and nervously.

He smiles and grabs me by my shoulders. "If they capture you – you have to fight back."

"If I can't fight them off – I will take my own.." I begin to say but he interjects.

"That's not going to happen. Don't even think about that. It won't even come to that."

"We got to run guys, they're getting closer." Nathan calls out to us from the door and we step out and take off running.

As I run alongside my friends I can see my fellow soldiers run alongside us but then disburse to the various check points that Paylor insisted we head towards. We are all running in the same direction, towards the neighboring District 4, but we will enter through different entry points. After all, it was Paylor's plan to do so if we came under attack. I can't help but think of Katniss and the last Victor meeting with Coin. I promised that I would not hurt Katniss more importantly that I wouldn't let anyone hurt her. Somehow this makes me focus because I don't want to give Coin the satisfaction, I have not hurt her, I'd rather die than give Coin the satisfaction. It's inevitable we have to stop various times to fight back if our assailants get too close. I'm happy to see that I am keeping it together, it's not to say that I don't feel a maddening part of me burst through but at least it's on the side of my fellow rebels and we know who the enemy is. More importantly there is no question of who my friend are.

This continues for days as we make our escape towards 4. I'm sad to feel my mind deteriorate. I've had a few black outs and my friends insist on staying with me and sheltering me. I can't stand how vulnerable I continue to make them.

Today I'm feeling drained. I at least have enough sense to follow my friends as we track our way towards 4. It's becoming painfully obvious that I may lose all my senses sooner rather than later. Nathan, who is leading the way comes to a halt and turns back to look at us.

"Peeta." He calls to me and I can't take my eyes off the distance. Try as I might it is difficult to look at him. I finally do, and when I do, the small sanity in me recognizes his concern. "We are nearing a post. We are still a few days away from 4 and there is no sign of Paylor. 1 is at our heels – I think we need to leave you here.."

"Absolutely not!" Johanna shouts at him.

"Jo, I'm not saying we leave him here for good. We can get to 4 in a day and a half at our regular pace. We would be back for him."

"Are you insane!" Johanna shouts at him again and this time Silas holds her back.

"He's right Jo. He's not abandoning me. He's doing the best with the hand of cards he is dealt with." Nathan looks at me painfully; he reaches out and puts his hand on my shoulder. I go to reach his hand with mine to reassure him that he's doing the right thing but I miss completely. I'm slipping from them. I will be catatonic soon I know it, that is if psychosis doesn't hit first.

"Jo, I'm looking at my notes. This particular post is also a safe house, it is very well equipped and secured." Nathan reassures her and then he looks at me. "Peeta, I know this will make you nervous but we will have to lock you in there to keep them out." He tells me nervously and I can hear Johanna gasp. I do close my eyes tightly because I can feel the Capitol's cell closing in on me but I shake the thought away.

"It's not the same." I say to myself over and over again. I close my eyes and I look at him. "I'll do it. I'll stay." I look at Johanna and I can see that she knows this is the best option but she looks palely afraid. "I'm going to be fine Jo. You'll be back in no time. I'll be here safe, missing all the action." I tell her and before I know I feel her arms around me and she's actually trembling.

We find the post and I don't let them waste another minute. I give them all a hug. I look at Silas who has been eerily quiet.

"Are you okay?" I ask him.

He laughs. "You're seriously asking me that." Than his smile leaves him. "We're going to see each other again Peeta." He reaches out to take my hand and only then I realize how much it's trembling. I gasp at the realization. He reaches in his bag and pulls out a few bottles with medicine. He also pulls out a disposable syringe. He then looks at my eyes.

"Okay buddy. I'm going to give you a strong sedative. This may avert your catatonia or avoid a potential psychosis attack." He tells me. I let him inject me. "Okay. You better get in there quick. We'll lock it from the outside."

I turn around and head towards the door. I unwind the revolving metallic knob to this well hidden high-tech port. As the door opens, it reminds me more and more of a vault. I step inside, turn around, and nod at them. Silas is tucking Johanna by the arms, urging her to move on. I close the vault and I can hear Nathan locking it from the outside.

"They'll be back, I know they will." I whisper to the door. I begin to feel the effects of the sedative.

"Don't move!" I hear a painfully familiar voice behind me, then I hear the click of a gun. My mind begins to buzz like electricity and the pain of fear begins to claw its way up my back. "Turn around slowly!"


	40. Chapter 40

I do, I turn around slowly hoping with everything that I have that it's not her. But it's never simple when it comes to us, Katniss and I, and these circumstances. When our eyes meet she's in shock and I am increasingly losing control. I start to feel the uncontrollable rage surge and without thinking and completely against my will I quickly reach out and grab the barrel of the gun she's holding and quickly swing it. Diverting it's aim from me and throwing Katniss aside and against one of the walls. The gun is now in my hand but I manage to regain some sense and I throw the gun across the room. I'm terrified and drop to my knees to face the wall. The surge of emotions running through me are too much. There is an irrational amount of feelings and it's all directed at her, anger, hatred, fear, but also an overwhelming need to protect her.

"Katniss – run!" I scream to her.

"I can't the door is locked!" She shouts back at me, of course she was ready to escape in no time.

I try to slow my breathing and think about what she just said. Of course it's locked. "Nathan locked me in."

"Why would he do that?!" She protests.

"I'm not well – I have no medicine and I couldn't keep moving." I take deep breaths. "They figured they lock me in to keep them out." I stop to breathe again. "Until they get back."

"Peeta that may not happen!" She screams at me. I look up at her and a part of me melts when I see her eyes full of tears because she's furious and terrified and she has a lot to lose.

"I'm sorry Katniss – it would have never occurred to us that you would be here." I tell her sympathetically.

But it's as if she doesn't hear it. "How did you run out of medicine?! Why didn't they sent you with a lifetime's supply!" She continues to protest.

This causes me to laugh, I'm unsettled by it because it's a macabre laughter. "Jon did but someone had other plans. It's all placeboes." I say to her.

"What does that mean?" She asks urgently.

"It's fake Katniss. Nobody told you?" I don't hear an answer so I look her way. She's pale and is now staring at me with nothing but compassion.

"Coin really wanted to make sure I kill you." I say breathing heavily again and I can hear the buzzing getting louder. I get flashbacks of Katniss up on a tree throwing a tracker jackers nest on me. "It's not real" I mutter to myself and I shake the idea out of my head. I look behind me and see a separate room.

"What's that?" I ask her.

She looks to the side. "A bomb shelter."

I begin to laugh because I feel a glimmer of hope. "Does it lock?" I ask her.

"Yes. From the inside. The rebels thought of everything when they built it." She says shakily.

I suddenly jump to my feel and I startle her because I'm walking towards her and she's armed. I stop shortly realizing her thoughts and then she looks guilty.

"Don't!" I shout at her. "You have nothing to feel guilty about." I say this somehow and I'm shocked that I can communicate because I feel mania running through my veins more and more. I quickly grab her by the arm and drag her towards the bomb shelter as she tries to pull from my grip because she fears the worst.

"What are you doing?" She whimpers to me.

I turn towards her and grab her by her shoulders and it's as if I get hit with a memory of her petite delicate frame. Something inside of me hurts at the thought and it badly wants to embrace her and promise her that she's going to be okay. I remember that it was all I ever wanted and for some reason the thought breaks my heart. I begin to cry. But before she or I say anything I briskly push her into the room and I force my hands to let go of her shoulders.

"Peeta." She calls to me nervously because she has no idea what to expect. Her eyes are full of tears because she's terrified of me.

"Lock yourself in." I then give her my weapons. "And don't open this door until the rebels get here. Or if the peacekeepers get here before them. Open it and kill me."

She begins to cry. "Peeta…" she whimpers again.

But before she can say anything I interrupt her. "I won't hurt you Katniss. I wouldn't be able to live with myself and if I do they win – Snow and Coin." When I say this she regains her composure and I slam the door shut before she can say anything else or before something else happens. I can hear her seal the door shut from the inside and with that I feel electricity run though my body. Then darkness consumes me. In the distance I can hear a feral scream. It's terrible. I try desperately to cover my ears but then I remember that it's me.

* * *

Katniss

I stand there clutching the door as if somehow I can hold him and soothe him out of his madness. After all this time, after everything that has happened we are still looking out for each other. "Peeta." I whimper to him. My grief makes me lose my strength and just like before, although for very different reasons, Peeta makes me weak in the knees and I slide down the door crying. When will it end for us? Will it ever end for us? Perhaps peacekeepers will break through and finally end our misery.

Suddenly I hear slamming against the door. I instantly jump back and all my senses return. I load my weapon and I aim at the door in case he gets through. "Peeta please, stop." I cry through my teeth. Then his screaming resumes as he screams out my name. There is so much hatred behind his voice and he calls me every vile name imaginable. This is not Peeta and thankfully I have all my senses and I know that he's not right, I am not that monster. I take a deep breath and gather my nerves and my hands finally stop shaking even my crying subsides. I am suddenly sick and tired of feeling scared, tired and used. I love Peeta but I will not let him destroy me. Even he's fighting that impulse. He proved it by throwing me in here. "Come on Peeta – get it together or pass out." I say aloud hoping that he, my Peeta, my boy with the bread hears it. But he doesn't, instead he begins to slam into the door, he must be throwing his whole body against the door. I remind myself that this door is designed to withstand bombs, no matter how powerful Peeta is, he can't top that.

Hours go by and I this continues – he'll go deadly silent, only to begin screaming, and then his delirious effort to breakdown this door. Finally after a long period of silence I am convinced that he passed out. And only then do I realize that I've been standing holding up my gun ready to shoot in case he broke through that door. I stare at the gun and I'm horrified. I let it drop to the ground and let my now tight and rigid body rest against the wall. I inhale deeply and I let myself drop to the floor. Try as I might I can't take my eyes off the door. I begin to feel exhausted and I actually believe I can sleep. I sit there staring at the door thinking of Peeta passed out on the ground of this room. My mind wonders to the days in our first Games. When I found him in the mud and half carried him to that cave that turned into our sanctuary. I think back to the first time he made me feel safe. I remember why I can only find a restful sleep in his arms, because that day that he held me in the middle of that horror, he made me feel safe. And not just in the Games, but in life. After my father died I thought that overall feeling of wellness, peace, and safety would be gone forever. I would have never imagined that I would have found it in the Hunger Games. I stare at the door wishing I could hold him now, but I can't because he's mad. I think back to that beautiful gentle blonde boy, how much he has changes. I can't help but smile when I think of the days in that cave, how he was on the brink of death and he would shamelessly flirt with me just to put a smile on my face. "Peeta." I call to him nostalgically. But I shake that nostalgia out of my mind. I can't afford to get depressed right now.

I let my mind wonder to Gale and Finnick. I'm worried that they haven't made it back because it means that they did not reach 4, and certainly Paylor hasn't made her way back. I should have never let them convince me to stay here. Because the Capitol was able to easily zone in on me on this mission, I've been a continuous target. Finnick and I even wondered if there wasn't a tracker on me then I wonder if that bitch Coin, gave up information to make sure they kill me since Peeta didn't meet her expectations. The only reason I agreed was because if they are following me, I wasn't going to let 1's Peacekeepers to Paylor or our reinforcements. I know we were only a day away from 4 at this point, they've been gone for three days now. What if Paylor failed, what if I'm left here all alone. Then it hits me, I'd be free. They could all think I'm dead. I could just find a way out of here while Peeta's unconscious and step out into those woods and never look back. They don't need me anyway, the rebels will win, they don't need me anymore. I could just be a martyr and I'd be done with them. The thought fills my heart with warmth and I let the feeling sink me into a light slumber.

I'm woken up by the sound of the loud outer vault door opening. I jump to my feet and I even surprise myself by how quickly I arm myself and expertly aim my gun at the door. Then it occurs to me that whoever is out there they can't get in. I quickly conclude that I am not going to let this be a long standoff. I approach the door feeling determined and with every step every muscle in my body tenses, just the way it did right before I'd make a kill while hunting. But then I hear him, Gale's voice.

"Katniss, Katniss!" He calls out to me. Then I hear more people run in.

I instantly drop my gun and I breathe for what it feels like the first time. "Gale." I whimper and I surprise myself when I feel tears run down my cheeks. I don't even know why I'm crying.

"I'm here Gale!" I shout to him from the other side. I begin to unlock the door. "I'm okay Gale." I finally open the door and I'm barely out of the bomb shelter when he throws his arms around me a surprises me with a kiss on the lips. I welcome it as I clutch on to his face. He lets me go and he throws his arms around me lifting me off the ground.

"When we ran into Johanna and she told us that they had dropped Peeta off here, we came here as soon as we could. Only then do I register that Johanna, Silas, Nathan and Finnick are huddled around on the floor. And then I see his legs laying lifeless.

I gasp. 'Peeta" I pull away from Gale's arms and I walk past him to go to Peeta but Gale grabs my arm. I look at him and frown, I pull my arm hard and he loses his grip on me. I end up falling to the ground but I still make my way towards him and I stop when I reach his feet.

"Is he okay?" I ask Silas who is examining him.

He finally registers me. "He's unconscious. I injected him s strong dose of his medicine. I just gave him steroids so that he regains consciousness. If he wakes up I'll be able to know more." Then he stares at me for a few seconds, then at him. "What happened?" he asks begrudgingly.

"The moment he saw me he almost lost it, he was able to contain himself. He put me in the bomb shelter to protect me and I locked myself in.

"Why was he unarmed?!" He yells at me and his tone startles me.

"He gave me his weapons because he didn't want to hurt me and he didn't want to hurt himself." I tell him defensively and it takes everything inside of me to not launch at him and attack him with my bare hands when I see his smug cynical smile. Clearly he doesn't like me.

But then Peeta begins to moan. I almost jump out of my skin. "Peeta." I say gratefully and once again I feel tears in my eyes.

"What happened?" He asks groggily. "Where am I?"

"Peeta it's okay. We're back." Nathan tells him warmly as he leans over him. "We told you we'd be back. Remember we dropped you off in this post so that we could get to 4 faster, we didn't even need to get there, Paylor was already making her way into 1 with reinforcements Peeta." I can see a smile stretch across Peeta's face and both he and Nathan beings to cry happily. "Peeta she came back with at least one-hundred thousand rebels Peeta. All armed and fed. When we saw the reinforcements we knew we could hurry back to you. And we got your medicine."

Then Peeta closes his eyes and opens them wide again. "Katniss." He gasps.

"I'm right here Peeta" I answer not caring whether it's a good idea to be near him right now.

He wills himself to sit up and I can tell that it hurts him to move. When he does his eyes meet mine. And I can't help but feel overwhelmed by his steady warm blue eyes. It's him, my Peeta, not the murderous monster that was trying to tear down the door to destroy me.

He shocks everyone and me when he suddenly lunges forward and wraps his arms around me protectively. I suddenly feel my chin resting on his shoulder and I realize that my mouth is wide open. I look around and everyone looks shocked. But then I realize that Peeta is holding me. I want to jump out of my skin, the feel of him holding me protectively hits my soul. To feel his strong arms around me holding me tight fills me with nostalgia and happiness all at once. I being to cry from the emotion and I wrap my arms around him as well. To feel my arms around his broad back again is enthralling.

He suddenly pulls back and he grabs my face with his hands. "Did I hurt you?!" He asks looking terrified.

I reach out and touch his face too. I let my fingers gently touch his face, his beard and I smile warmly at him. "No you didn't. You protected me and you threw me in the bomb shelter because it locked from the inside." I manage to say between sobs and tears. He exhales looking incredibly relieved and once more he throws his arms around me. I begin to sob again. I don't know how long he holds on to me but I want it to last forever. We don't let go until I hear more footsteps running in and Silas breaks the silence.

"Peeta – we need to transfer you to the infirmary. From what I can see you're torso is badly bruised. We'll need to take x-rays."

Peeta finally lets go.

"No." I plea and Peeta gives me a pained look. He reaches out and gently strokes me cheek. I can't stop staring into his eyes. I don't want to let go of this moment, I want hold on to him as he is now, forever. He pulls his hand away and he closes his eyes. He then looks away and only then he opens his eyes again and stares at Silas.

"Nothing is broken. I can tell."

Silas nods. "That may be true but we need confirm that you're not bleeding internally. Plus, you're still unstable. You're okay now because I gave you a strong dose of medication but we don't know how long it will last."

"You don't have to twist my arm Silas – I know I have to go. I want to."

Then I see the stretcher. Then Finnick, Silas, and Nathan help him off the ground and sit him on it. I can't take my eyes off him. His eyes find me again but that warmth is gone again. It's nothing more than a cordial glance and he nods at me courteously. Never mind that he just embraced me, relieved that he didn't hurt me. I can still feel his heat throughout my body just as I did when we were still kids, hiding out in a cave sharing a sleeping bag in the middle of a that damned Arena. I already miss him all over again.

* * *

Peeta

I'm in the infirmary for weeks. I keep hearing that we are gaining ground every day and they believe that in a week 1 will fall. I am happy to say that we are in not in contact with 13. Coin can't do anything about this except sulk in her failed attempt to kill Paylor, me and Katniss. All she can do now is wait to announce her victory. My thoughts are disrupted when Nathan comes running in. He looks nervous and he's swaying back and forth. I can tell something is wrong. It reminds me of the day he and Silas broke through Madge's kitchen door when Ivy was almost beaten to death.

"What happened?" I ask him. He just stares at me and he's trying to take a breath I can tell he ran here. "Where's Silas?!" I demand and he jumps when I say this.

He nods. "He's fine." He tells me breathlessly. "Peeta – it's Johanna. She was hurt. The peacekeepers cornered her unit in a precipice of sorts and they were almost drowned."

I close my eyes at the thought. I remember her tortured days in the Capitol, how her chamber would be flooded with water, and how many times they let her come close to drowning. How Annie saved her life the day we were rescued because they had actually let her drown. "Jo." I whisper her name aloud.

"She was also shot, it was just a graze wound…"

"Where is she now?" I ask.

"In the hospital. She's alive Peeta just in a trance. She had some kind of nervous breakdown and she's suffering from psychosis.

"I need to see her Nathan." I say and I can't help the tears that escape me. He nods and helps me out of bed.

We make our way to her room but I freeze when I look inside. Thankfully she's awake and I can see it but her eyes are mad, wild, more so than usual. Finnick is there, his forehead pressed to hers as he speaks softly to her. She finally closes her eyes and Finnick leans in and kisses her lips. Only then do I realize how rigidly tense Johanna's body was because when he lays his lips on her whole body exhales and relaxes. She then throws her arms around his neck and kisses him passionately. I look at Nathan and realize that we can't interrupt. As I turn around to head towards my room I see Silas approaching. I stop on my tracks.

"You shouldn't be out of bed?" he tells me instantly.

"I know. Nathan told me about Jo and I wanted to be sure she was okay."

He seems to light up when I say it. "Did she wake up?" He sounds hopeful and before I can say anything he walks around us but stops at the door. I go to him.

"We didn't want to interrupt." I tell him as I peer in the room. Finnick and Johanna are close right now. He is now laying next to her as they hold each other. They are still earnestly kissing and they pull apart for a few seconds only to speak into each other's mouths. I look at Silas and he looks wounded and completely devastated. He then steps away from the door and looks at us. He forces a brave smile onto his face.

"I guess she's feeling better" he says with a smirk.

I'm surprised when I hear Nathan chuckle as he tries to stop himself.

Nathan composes himself and stares at us. "Oh come on, Silas that was lame. 'I guess she's feeling better' – you are pissed, disappointed, or hurt , or all of the above!"

I actually start laughing and Nathan joins me. Silas stares at me and he has no idea what to do except smile sheepishly at us. I finally compose myself and stop. I reach out to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Don't feel bad. Before the post happened, when I saw Katniss and Gale kissing I felt jealous." I admit to him. Nathan and Silas are surprised. And before they can say anything else I answer them. "I don't know why or what that means. It feels more like residual feelings."

I head back to my room and Silas and Nathan follow me. I get in bed and then my friends and I just look at each other processing everything that has happened in the past couple of weeks. We knew District 1 had plenty of ammunition to push back and they've been doing just that. But we have overpowered them. Everyday my fellow soldiers come see me and they can barely contain themselves with excitement because we all know that after 1, there is only 2 left standing, and then there is just Snow.

Silas interrupts my thoughts. "You ok?" He asks.

I nod at him. "Yes." I say simply and I smile at him. "We're almost done. There is just 1 and then 2. 1 is the last support they have. It will be fast."

"Don't forget the Capitol." Nathan points out to me.

I laugh. "No Nathan. There is nothing in the Capitol. 2 is Snow's last line of defense." I stop to think of the Capitol citizens, there isn't a single soldier among them. The only soldiers among them left to join the Districts. "When we get there, it's be a matter of dragging out of whatever hole he's in." I say bitterly.

"Don't get too confident Peeta. Remember it's those animals that came up with the Games to begin with. Who knows what Snow has up his sleeve." Nathan replies to me.

I look at him and I feel a terrible premonition when he tells me that.

"Peeta." Silas calls me and I look at him. "Do you really want to be there?" He asks.

"I don't know anymore. I mean I do, I really do want to be there. But I don't know that I want to kill him. I've been thinking so much about not giving Coin the satisfaction that it makes me think that I won't win if I kill Snow. Nothing that happened to me will change. He got a lot, he changed me, something I never wanted. He destroyed a part of me, he violated me, he abused me, he tried to kill me, and I lived in fear for so long. I'm not afraid anymore though – you can't burn someone that is scorched." I look at my friends again. "Everything he had to do to me he did and I'm still here, back together. Not the same but definitely not the monster he wanted to make of me. And if I kill him out of vengeance a part of him will win because it would mean that his brutality runs through me."

"So you won't go." Nathan asks with a smile full of hope.

I smile at him and I reach for his hand and squeeze it. "I have no problem burying him and everything that he did to me. Everything he took from me can be at peace – my home, my father, my brothers, my mother, our friends, Madge…" And we stand silent for a few seconds. "My home." I pause for a second because I feel a hard feeling in the middle of my chest and it hurts, and I know I have to let it out. "He took Katniss, my love… I have to bury all of that. And I do believe that I can only do that when we bury him." I stop to stare at them. But then I change the subject. "What about you Silas? How are you doing? Seeing Johanna in there with Finnick…" I ask feeling badly for the guy.

He shrugs. "Guess I can't be too surprised." He says to me. "I was able to get to her in time, I pulled her from the water and she was like a rabid animal. She tried to attack me."

"Did she hurt you?" I ask feeling stunned. I had no idea this had happened.

"Yeah I'm fine." He stops for a second and looks towards the door.

"Silas it's a big deal. Johanna can be psychotic especially after a traumatic moment. You can't forget that she's a Victor, a killer."

He turns to look at me resentfully. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I'm your friend – and I know how you feel about her."

He gives me a cynical smirk. "Yeah I know. But you know I was able to control her and the situation. I even managed to pull her out of her trance, something pretty boy over there couldn't even do himself." His voice starts to elevate and I'm stunned when he grabs a plastic pitcher of water and slams it against the wall. "What the hell is she thinking?!" He protests as he paces around. "He's married." He says it calmly again.

"Silas.." I begin but he interrupts me.

"Save it. She is unavailable. I know. She's whacked, her heart is swept up with Finnick, and only you have access to her physically." He says it as an accusation. I wince and this makes him step back. He takes a deep breath and I see the regret in his eyes. He reaches for his hair and gives it a frustrated tug. "I didn't mean that I'm upset. I'm going to go for a walk." He turns around and walks out.

"Are you okay?" Nathan asks me.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I assure him.

"Okay, I'm going to go after him." I nod at him and he offers me a supportive smile.

Once he leaves the thought of losing Johanna hits me and it shakes my soul. She could have died today. I feel the insides of me shaking. I take a sedative; I know I'm going to lose it otherwise. I begins to fall into a slumber but I'm met with nightmares instantly. Dreams of losing Johanna, her being tortured in front of me and nothing I can do to get through my cell to her. I am woken up when I feel Johanna climb into bed with me. I wake up instantly and before she can even lay next to me, I wrap my arms around her. She gladly buries her face in my chest. We can't contain ourselves, we begin to cry because we almost lost each other today. I then realize that her body is trembling. I don't say anything about it, I just lean back and she follows me. I manage to sleep but her trembling body vibrates into my heart. I know that today - this war broke something inside of her. I can't help but feel the soft tears that come to my eyes. I hold on to her tighter hoping that it will keep her from shattering and we fall asleep like this without sharing a word. I don't think we could handle it.

A week later Johanna and I are sharing a room because we can't sleep without each other out of fear. She confesses to me that she would be with Finnick at night but she doesn't want to betray Annie. This tells me that they haven't given into each other, regardless of the intensity I witnessed between them. Then I realize that her promise to Annie is pointless. The promise is stupid, what does it matter that they don't act on it, they feel it and want it. It's not just sex they want; they want sex because they need everything else from each other. I can't imagine what this is like for Finnick so I don't say too much.

We are woken up by a screaming Nathan in our room.

"It's over -1 surrendered! Peeta we did it!"

Johanna and I sit up startled and when I look at Johanna I'm surprised to see and feel our smiles. Johanna is on her feet in no time and I laugh as I notice Nathan and Johanna wait anxiously for me to put on my prosthetic as fast as I can. As soon as I do I run after them and we make it outside to find the celebration taking place. My heart is bursting and I feel chills run through my body as I take in the enormity of what just happened. There is no doubt in my mind that the Capitol will come under and we are about to turn a new leaf. I feel choked up. Johanna turns to look at me and she actually has tears in her eyes.

She throws her arms around me and she's shaking. "Peeta – it was worth it. Everything we went through. We're still standing."

I wrap my around her and hug her as tight as I can, lift her off the ground, and spin her.

She laughs hard. "Hey!" She screams. "Loosen it up a bit I just said I'm glad we're still standing don't snap my back and leave me paralyzed." I laugh and I loosen my grip and set her on the ground.

As soon as I let go I embrace Nathan and we start to jump up and down. Then I hear people screaming my name. I look up and see my fellow soldiers from my unit run towards us. We embrace and jump around in happiness, total euphoria. It seems as if the cheers and the celebration is moving us through the crowd of our fellow rebels. If we know each other we hug and celebrate, if we don't know each other, we introduce ourselves then hug and celebrate some more.

When they realize that I'm Peeta Mellark, they go nuts. I'm still taken aback when people are startled to meet me, I completely forget that I have star power, as Portia used to say. Thinking of her makes me cry then it hits me like splash of cold water, Effie. I stop on my tracks and I think of her. What happened to her? I think of my entire prep team, they were all killed I'm sure of it. But my heart hurts when I think of Portia and Effie. I'm suddenly snapped out of my sad thoughts by a familiar warm and good natured voice.

"There you are!" Silas screams at us. I turn and I run to his arms. I feel nostalgic and I'm so grateful that through it all, the pain, the horror, the utter heartbreak and sorrow Silas's humor has stayed intact. I wonder if he knows that it has become like a home to me. I cry on his shoulder and he holds me tight. "We made it buddy and we're going to finish this." He whispers in my ear and he kisses the top of my head.

I compose myself and pull away and smile at him. I realize that he's drunk the moment I look in his eyes and I start to laugh. "Where did you find it?!"

"Come on Peeta – you know I'm always going to find a way especially if the occasion calls for it. It would be rude to not toast to this occasion."

I hear Johanna's laughter behind me and only then does Silas look over my shoulder. I turn around and realize that she's laughing at his remark. I smile at her.

"Hello Johanna." Silas tells her coolly. He looks her over and I notice that he stares at her hands and then I realize that her hands are still shaking like they were earlier today. "Darling I think you need this more than me." Silas points at the bottle in his hand. "Your nerves are shot."

She smiles at him. "No, I'm taking some meds I probably shouldn't mix anything."

Silas smiles and he swaggers over towards her. "Well then you better do something to commemorate the moment."

She eyes him curiously and is about to respond but Silas interrupts her. He briskly reaches for her face, cupping it between his hands, and he leans down to kiss her. Nathan looks shocked and I am startled because I fear the worst-case scenario. I realize that no one is more shocked than Johanna because she doesn't react. Silas expertly makes a move and I'm shocked to see Johanna actually looks subdued and I'm even more surprised that she clearly gets swept away because she kisses him back. Silas then abruptly pulls back and Johanna's lips are still parted as she looks after him looking a little disoriented. I can't help but smile and feel impressed by Silas. They just stare at each other for a few seconds and Johanna is about to say something but Silas cuts her off.

"You kissed me back. Remember that." He then steps away from her and walks towards me, throws his arm over my shoulder and nudges me along before she can say anything. "Come on guys, let's keep the party going!" He screams! I can't help but notice that he's holding me extra tight and it's not because of the party atmosphere but because of his kiss with Johanna.

"Way to play it cool Silas." I say to him smirking. "You're giddy." I say to him.

He squeezes me tighter and pulls me towards him so that he presses his forehead into my temple. "Shut up, don't give me away. I don't think giddiness impresses her."

There's actually music erupting through now. Where it came from is beyond me but people are soon dancing. As we are carried by the energy and good cheer, we find ourselves bumping into Katniss, Finnick, and Gale. I'm unexpectedly thrilled to see her because the moment now seems even more momentous. When she sees me she looks nostalgic and nervous but when our eyes meet I'm taken over by emotions and I smile at her. I realize that while we're staring at each other, unsure of how to express what only the two of us feel, our friends jump around us in excitement. We are only a few steps away from defeating Snow, and we lit the match, only the two of us can understand the enormity of our experience and what we did to get here. For the first time, I fully appreciate why all of Panem is enamored by us. And then I think about all she has done, all she has given, her courage, her intelligence and I feel admiration for her again. I walk towards her not really knowing what to do or say. She seems to relax because she must see my docile nature right now. Now we're only a step away from each other and I realize that our friends and just looking at us. I reach out and place my hand on her shoulder.

"Congratulations Katniss." I say to her not knowing if it's the right thing to say and all she can do is smile. I can tell she wants to say so much more but she can't find the words, she never could. I smile at the thought and then I get a flashback. Of us in the training center of me telling her that her actions always spoke louder than my words or anyone's words. I can't contain myself and I reach out and embrace her. I feel her arms around me holding on to me tightly.

I then pull away and look around to see our friends staring at us a little bewildered. I see Finnick and I go to him to hug him too.

"I'm glad you're feeling better." He tells me as he embraces me back.

We then proceed to celebrate together. We find ourselves sitting around a large fire that has been built as a large crowd sings around it. I don't know the song but I like the lyrics. As I smile to myself I turn to the side and I catch Katniss staring at me. She's taken a aback, as if I caught her spying or something. I give her a reassuring smile and I get up and walk towards her to sit next to her. Every time I look at her, I get hit with this overwhelming feeling and I can't explain it. When I sit next to her she looks nervous.

"I'm okay Katniss, for the first time since being rescued from the Capitol, I feel completely free of what they did to me, including my brain damage." I tell her with a smile. I look over my shoulder and I notice Gale staring daggers at me. "Besides – Gale has a close eye on me in case I do flip out." I tell her smiling. This finally makes her smile.

"I'm having a hard time believing that we are close to ending all of this." She says.

"Have you thought about what you want to do next?" I ask her.

She looks at me a little startled but then answers quickly. "I've only thought about it once. Well, it was more like a fantasy – to go back to 7 after this is all over." She smiles and then looks over at Gale who is celebrating with Finnick.

I feel a pang in my stomach and I find it difficult to swallow, so I force a smile on my face. "With Gale" I say as if to finish her thought.

She then looks at me. "well, three years ago, when we went to 7 for the first time, we loved it."

"The forest, I'm sure." I say it knowing that that the woods were always a special place for the two of them. I smile sincerely. "It makes sense." She offers me a tight smile.

"What about you?" She asks me.

I take a deep breath and look in the distance as I think of Ivy and our future lives together. "Well Ivy and I haven't really focused on one plan. There's a lot of possibilities. I'm just happy knowing that there are options" I say to her. She looks sad but the moment I look at her she forces a tight smile on her face. When I see that I feel a pang in my chest again – I am more and more convinced that she has feelings for me still. At least she still hasn't resolved them.

"What about for work?" I ask her to change the subject.

She smiles looking grateful. "I don't know." She says laughing. "I guess I'll have to buckle down and pick a career."

"Didn't you do that already?" I say surprised because Coin and a bunch of people of 13 were on my ass to finish a professional training.

She looks stunned. "No. Did you?" She asks.

"Yes – Coin insisted." I say to her and she looks even more surprised. I realize just how little Coin cared for Katniss from the very beginning. I feel angry because it reminds me of what Coin did to me on this mission. "Well I guess she liked me more at the beginning – clearly now she doesn't care." I laugh. "I bet she regrets wasting resources on me." I say.

"What did you study?" She asks changing the subject because I'm sure the last thing she wants to think about is yet another person who is working hard to ruin her life.

I smile sheepishly. "Well – long story short, business."

She laughs. "Merchant." She says to me in a tone that is teasing and accusatory at once.

I nod. "Well – I want to be a baker because it's good for me." I say sincerely. She stops laughing and stares at me. "So I guess I can apply that to opening a bakery and I'll have time to do art." I say to her as I stare at her. She's looking me over thoughtfully, and I wonder if she's disappointed, considering all the options we had I'm picking what would have been my life in 12 regardless of a Revolution. "I guess you're thinking of all the things I could have done I go and pick…" I begin but she cuts me off.

"No. I think it's perfect. It's you, it's who you are, and nothing in this world will change that." She tells me. I then see her eyes fill with tears and I know she feels what I'm feeling. I feel so connected to her right now, because of everything that we've been through, how we've been used, and I don't know what else. When a single tear spills from her shaking gray eyes I can't help reaching out and wiping it from her cheek. She quickly catches my hand against her cheek. I can't help but feel a pull towards her.

"Katniss…" I begin but we're interrupted by Paylor. I instantly jump to my feet when I see her in front of us.

"Here you two are. So I'm about to ask something very big from the two of you." She says smiling but clearly nervously. She then turns to Katniss who is also on her feet. "Katniss – we'll need your camera crew – we need to send both Snow and Coin a message. Now considering she set out to annihilate us, I think we should hit her pride." She says menacingly and I can't help but smile at her idea.

"What do you have in mind?" I ask her.

"Well – unlike all of her rehearsed and edited propos we can deliver uncensored, unscripted, and live footage of our triumph. And who better to serve it then Katniss and Peeta, together."

My enthusiasm leaves me but I think about what she's saying and it feels defiant. I look at Katniss and she's staring at me, as if the decision is entirely up to me. I can't help but think back to our first Games, at the age of 16 how Portia and Cinna paired us together for the opening ceremonies, how thrilled I was to hear Cinna order us to hold hands and how she held on to me for dear life, then the Quell and how without anyone telling us I knew that we would go in as one. Once again I'm consumed by that bond I'm feeling towards her again. I reach out and hold her hand again and she stares at our joint hands.

"It's strange isn't it? To have someone ask for our consent." I say to her.

"It's definitely a first." She says with a light laugh. Then she intently stares at me. " Let's go hit them where it hurts" She says smiling.

I then hear Silas holler behind us with excitement and only then do I remember that our friends are there. I turn to look at them, Finnick and Johanna are holding hands smiling at us proudly. Nathan, Silas, and even Gale are laughing at the prospect of what we're going to do. Their excitement is infectious and I look back towards Katniss who can't help but catch the feeling of it all as she too laughs with excitement.

"Follow me then – Katniss your camera crew is waiting." Paylor orders and she turns around to lead the way.

We follow and as we do we see people stopping to salute Paylor but then they're taken aback when they see me and Katniss together, some are even left gasping or their mouths just fly open in disbelief. Katniss and I just look at each other and smile. But then I feel nervous and I find myself looking away to avoid her gaze and her smile disappears and she looks away nervously.

We approach an impromptu stage, clearly put together last minute but I see Cressida has been able to set up a sound system for everyone to hear and she appears to be setting up her cameras to the large projecting screens around the city, no doubt, District 1 had many technological advances. The stage is also near a large light fixture set up in the middle of the street, which serves as a spot light. So when Paylor gets up on stage, everyone can't help but turn to her.

"Good Evening Panem." Paylor speaks into the microphone. "I am proud to announce that I am standing in the middle of District 1's city square because we have won the battle."

Upon hearing, it from her mouth I feel a feverish chill run through me and I can't contain the smile that spreads through me.

"I'm also here to remind those that stand against us, that our time has come and nothing can stop our triumph. I would not be standing here without the support of my brave rebels, my heroes, and the representation of every District across Panem, including the Capitol."

The crowd ruptures in cheers again. I then see Paylor turn back to look at us and she faces the crowd once more.

"I was sent here with 15,000 troops – to stop the Peacekeepers in District 1 and liberate the local residents, because we do not forget that every single district, including Career Districts, need deliverance from Snow! I will be leaving District 1 liberated, with 100,000 troops. No one, not I, or anyone else can contain this deliverance."

Everyone cheers again and at the thought I think of Coin and what her plans were for this mission. I feel my blood boil at the thought.

Paylor continues. "I'm accompanied by very special people that have fought alongside me and you. How about a word?" She turns to look back. I realize that the crowd is quiet and that the people across Panem have no idea who she's talking about. I am hit with a rush again – the adrenaline I felt during the Games, performance jitters as Portia would call them. I smile nervously at her but unlike the games I certainly feel inspired now.

"You know I'm not one for words." Katniss murmurs under her mouth to me.

I look at her and find her familiar nervous demeanor at the thought of having to face an audience. She'll never get used to this, never mind that she has been the icon of this revolution. I smile at her and walk up the steps to stand next to Paylor. The moment I step next to her the crowd goes crazy and then I look up and see myself up on the large screen. I realize then that my beard is gone, I must have been shaved while I was unconscious and I remember that Silas said that I needed stitches on my cheek. My hair has grown out since leaving District 13 and District 1's constant sunlight has created some residual blonde strands across my now light brown hair. I smile because I look like an older version of Peeta Mellark, the boy that entered the Games. Without a doubt, all of Panem and more importantly, the Capitol will recognize me.

"If Paylor brought me up here to inspire you all, I just want to say that you have all inspired me, especially you Lieutenant." I say it looking at her intently and the crowd goes nuts. Then I look at the cameras. "And I guess I have a pending message for you Snow. I'm standing in one piece, helping bring down your forces. And like all of Panem, all the oppression and violence you inflicted on us did not break away our sense of justice and our will to fight for our freedom. You and people like you" I say it in reference to Coin. "will have to pay." The rebels clap loudly and I continue. "I also want to tell the Capitol citizens that I know you're scared and believe me when I say that everyone here understands the fear you have been living in the past couple of years. We were living it for 76 years and it's time we are all liberated from it. When we come to the Capitol…" As soon as I say this, the rebels scream in triumph. I smile and let them rejoice. After a few moments I continue talking and they quiet down. "When we come please know that you are not the target, we are there to liberate ourselves of President Snow. By now, I know you are all living in fear of his tyranny because he is finally unmasked. I just want you to know that my thoughts are also with you and everyone here knows that you are in need of deliverance – We are all Panem – for Panem's future!"

The crowd begins to cheer again and clap. I look at Paylor and she's beaming. I then look back and see Katniss whose eyes are filled with tears and excitement. I notice that her arms are wrapped around her as if to contain herself. I smile at her and she finally lets herself laugh. Once again I feel that connection to her because as humble as we are I know we helped spark all of this. I begin to laugh too.

I turn back to the audience and smile mischievously. I look at the large screens around the plaza and I confirm the cameras' angles don't show Katniss. I grab the microphone "There's somebody else here that must make her presence known. She's a little camera shy…" I say smiling sheepishly and I hear a bit of a gasp throughout the audience. I look straight ahead and I notice that our friends have made their way to the front and I smile at them. I look at Silas and Nathan and they are bouncing with giddiness. "I think I need to pull up my old partner in crime up here for a few words." When I say this the crowd goes wild and I look back at Katniss who is covering her mouth with her hands, her eyes wide open, but she's happy. I can tell. I step back and stretch my hand out to help pull her up. She looks more stunned now but at least she's smiling. She finally reaches her hand up which I take in mine. I effortlessly pull her up as she steps up. I pull too hard because she ends up flying into my arms and I end up having to catch her so that she doesn't fall on the stage. We're practically face to face and we can't help but laugh. At this point the crowd goes wild, they haven't seen us together like this since the 75th Hunger Games. Then I feel our closeness and I feel heat radiate from her into my being and I find myself staring intently into her eyes. She is still smiling at me. I compose myself and let her go.

"Once more… for the audience…" I say to her with a good-natured wink. She smiles beamingly at me as she nods yes to me.

I step ahead of her with her hand in mine, I speak into the microphone, and charmingly say "Ladies and gentlemen – The Mockingjay." And the crowd is absolutely beside themselves. I step to the side and pull her up towards the microphone as she timidly approaches it without taking her eyes off me.

She finally looks away from me and looks out to the audience. The audience in turn quiets down to her words. I look out to the screens to watch her. She then looks straight into the cameras and her eyes look firm and even hard.

"About five years ago, Snow came into my Victor home and reproached me for pulling berries." She looks down again and a small smirk spreads to the side of her mouth and she looks back into the camera. "He said that my berries threatened his entire system and he would not tolerate it. I told him – If a handful of berries could take down his world then it was never meant to stand for long." The crowd erupts and applause and cheers. I feel chills because there is ring of truth to her words.

She smiles and talks again. "I was bold, angry, and defiant but don't be mistaken – I was scared. He made me pay for it. He threw me back in the Games, destroyed District 12 murdering the vast majority of its population." As she says this her eyes fill with tears. "And then he kept Peeta from me, tortured him, and almost destroyed him. I almost lost my sanity because I never asked for any of this but you never give us a choice Snow. That's why we're here and look at us now – we're still standing. I'm not arrogant because I can admit that I'm frail, weak, and scared but I still have enough fire in me to blow your world apart." The crowd ruptures in cheers.

I step back and step off the stage because standing close to her makes me uncomfortable especially a moment like this. There is a strong pull that I feel towards her that is overwhelming and it scares me. I haveto step away from her. I then walk around the stage to be with my friends without taking my eyes off her.

She then continues. "You're time is up Snow. You can take me down, but there is nothing in this world that will stop this. I've been reading a lot and I came across a beautiful passage written by a revolutionary a long time ago. He said 'it's better die on your feet than live on your knees.'

The crowd is now besides themselves, I find myself wrapping my arms around myself because I feel something emerging from me. It's the revolution but also my total admiration for her – she's powerful and without trying she has an indescribable effect on people. She then nods and waves at the crowd and they cheer again because she said everything that they needed to hear. Only then does she realize that I'm not standing next to her anymore. She looks around to look for me. I step towards the front of the stage and she finally sees me. "I'm right here." I tell her even though she can't hear me over the deafening crowd. She gives me a dazzling smile and it's contagious. She then reaches her arms out towards me and I'm swept in the moment. I extend my arms towards her, she leans down and presses her hands on my shoulders as mine find her waist. I effortlessly help her down from the stage but we're also lost in the moment, the connection that bounds us, and I'm not letting go. She unexpectedly pulls herself towards me and she wraps her arms around my neck. The tenderness I feel is all-consuming and I wrap my arms around her waist and I turn to kiss her temple. For a moment, I feel that need to keep us safe, to keep her in my arms where we can both shield each other from our biggest fears. For a second I forget about everyone around us and what we have gone through – for a second it's just me and Katniss. But then I catch a glimpse of the screens and the cameras are on us. Then I register what is happening around me, if the crowd was wildly excited before, upon seeing this sincere proximity between us they erupt in euphoric cheers.

"This is insane!" She yells over my shoulder.

I laugh but then I realize that neither of us wants to let go and this scares me and I have to break this spell. "Katniss – I have to let go." I whisper into her ear. And I set her feet on the ground and pull away slowly as she sadly observes me. I smile at her and this makes her respond in kind. Try as I might I can't pull my eyes off her, thankfully Finnick and Johanna make their way towards us and embrace us. When the audience sees their other Victors they cheer again and once again I am pulled into the body of the rebellion, the body of soldiers, all of which pull me away from me and her – from us.


	41. Chapter 41

The night continues in celebration but I begin to feel emotionally exhausted, I have to acknowledge my limits. Not long after this realization Johanna finds me and she wraps her arms around me and I notice how her body is trembling.

"Are you okay?" I ask her and I have to talk into her ear because the crowd is still deafening.

She smiles and looks up at me and I can actually see that her jaw is also trembling. "Yeah – just overwhelmed."

"Are you cold or is it your nerves?" I ask worried as I wrap my arms around her to somehow keep her together.

"Nerves – definitely nerves." She tells me.

I nod understanding. "Yeah this is a lot. I'm also feeling nervous. You want to call it a night. I was going to head back." I tell her.

"I'll go with you." She tells me. I nod I look around and I don't see the gang anywhere. I realize that there is not point in looking for them only to tell them we're heading back so we walk away.

Once we're in the privacy of our now shared quarters we both take mild sedatives. We look at each other and laugh as we take our daily regimen of drugs.

"We're quite the pair aren't we?" She says after she swallows her pills.

"Yeah." I smile. "But look at how much we've done, what we've been through… and we're not the only ones." I smile at her.

She nods. "That was quite the show you put on out there." She tells me with her signature devilish grin. "You still have it in you – you are a smooth liar." She tells me casually as she undresses and puts on her sleeping clothes.

"What show?" I ask wondering what she's referring to.

She smiles. "You and Katniss – way to pick up the star-crossed lover charade after a four year hiatus."

"All I pointed out is that we're still standing and I did not kill her the way Snow or Coin wanted me to. That's all I put out there." I say defensively.

"What about that unspoken closeness, the intimate gestures, the looks." She says seriously.

I look at her feeling a little unprepared for her observation. I know I felt it, Katniss was feeling it, did it translate to the audience? At first I want to argue with her to deny it but there's no point. "You saw it?" I ask dejectedly.

"Everyone saw it."

I begin to pace around the room as Johanna makes herself comfortable in bed. "It's the moment. It's the fact that I was just very recently targeted by Coin, my supposed ally. I could have killed Katniss in that post! Not killing her is a triumph. The fact that I can stand next to her now and have no desire to harm her is a triumph and I love rubbing it in Snow and Coin's faces." I take a moment to calm down. "Then there's the reality that I am bound to her after all this time, after living my life for me and not her, after surviving our days in the Capitol, starting a new life, growing up – I can fight it but I'm still bound to her and I hope that closeness you saw tonight is nothing more then the Revolution that we helped spark."

Johanna nods. "This moment is big for the two of you and sure like me you're a victor and it's momentous, like those rebels you're a soldier and it's momentous; but the two of you – together – there's an experience that nobody else understands." Johanna tells me plainly and I just nod at her. Then she chuckles mischievously. "Are you worried about what Ivy will say back home because you know all of Panem saw it."

My eyes widen and I nervously tug at my hair. "I hadn't even thought of that." I say honestly. I stare thoughtfully at Johanna as I think of Ivy. "She'll understand. When I get back I'll tell her everything that happened, if she doesn't know already." I worry thinking about how she'll react to the realization that I was sent into war with placebos. "She's going to be furious when she knows what Coin did."

"You still think it was just Coin?" Johanna asks.

I look her over suspiciously. "Who else would do this or work with her?"

"You said Jon gave you the supplies." She points out.

I cut her off sharply. "Jon wouldn't do that." I bark back feeling protective of Jon but then I look at her closely and she seems intent on Jon. "Is there something I should know Jo?" I ask suspiciously.

"I have no proof that he did it but in my opinion he does have motivation."

I laugh because it's utterly ludicrous. "What?"

"Ivy." She says plainly.

I stop laughing and I look at her in shock. "What about Ivy?" I ask and she just gives me a knowing look. I close my eyes because I catch on, what she is insinuating.

"Are you telling me he's" I begin but she interrupts me.

"I think he's very much into your girlfriend – he has been for a long time. Ivy knows it, she confirmed it." She tells me.

I feel something hot rise inside of me and I'm surprised by the jealousy brewing inside of me. "When?!"

Johanna is taken aback by my sudden anger. "Wow – hold on – calm down, I didn't say anything was happening between them." She stresses.

"When did Ivy tell you this?" I ask sternly ignoring her comment.

"When I first met her and we orchestrated how to give her access to you. The night she showed up in the hospital. We needed her to do her rounds at night in my wing. She told me she had no doubt that Jon would give her what she wanted. The way she said it…" She struggles to find the right words and she looks exasperated. "Look she knew how to take advantage of his feelings to get she wanted. On numerous occasions, I have seen him react to her in ways that tell me he's very interested in her and trust me she knows about it. By no means am I saying she's doing anything about it. It's not her fault." Johanna professes.

I just glare at her but I remind myself to take a few breaths and to relax. I inhale and exhale sharply. "You think he would do that to me to get me out of the way?" and the moment I say it aloud it sounds so ludicrous that I begin to laugh again. The initial jealousy subsides. "No – he wouldn't do that. He's a good person if he is interested in Ivy – hell if he's in love with her – there's even more reason for him to not do that to Ivy. He wouldn't do that."

"How can you be so sure?" Johanna asks.

"Because he's honorable." I think hard about this and I nod. "He wouldn't do that. This was Coin." I finally climb into my bed then proceed to take off my prosthetic and just relax as I start to feel the sedative take effect. Then I feel Johanna settle in my arms. But then I can't stop thinking about Ivy and Jon. I think back to the attention Jon gives Ivy with her schoolwork, is it just for mentoring reasons? When I was living with Silas and Nathan, I never once saw Jon come to personally drop off material or review lessons with Silas. I think back to the tension I have sensed whenever I spoke to him about me and Ivy, is it not just out if concern for me? Then I think about what Johanna just said, that Ivy would take advantage of his attention towards her to get what she wanted. This part doesn't sit well with me because I begin to wonder just how far she took it. I feel a red-hot burning feeling in the pit of my stomach and breathe through it until the anxiety subsides. I finally conclude that sitting here angry over all sorts of possibilities is useless. I then focus my attention on Johanna's heavy breathing and tune out all the other noise in my head. It begins to subdue me and I focus on the sensation of holding her in my arms. When I close my eyes, I get a flashback of holding Katniss in my arms – a long time ago. I decide not to fight the feeling that comes over me and I enjoy the comforting warmth that comes over me as I slip into a slumber.

I wake up to the sound of Nathan's voice as he shakes me. I open my eyes and I see him and Silas who stands at the foot of my bed. He actually looks bitterly at me and I remember that Johanna is in my arms. I offer him a knowing look, he must know she's here because she was hurt. He looks away and takes a deep breath, looks back at me, and nods sympathetically.

"Peeta you have a visitor." Nathan whispers to me. Just then Johanna wakes up.

"What's going on?" She says aloud.

"Shh" Nathan motions to her. "Finnick, Gale, and Katniss are here. Katniss needs to talk to you."

"What? Why? And why are you whispering?" I ask him still feeling groggy from the sedative. I move to the edge of the bed and put on my leg.

"She doesn't want anybody else to know that she's here.." Silas tells me.

This startles me. "why?" I ask and quicken my pace as I put on a shirt.

"They're in the outskirts, in the woods." Silas tells me. "And they don't want Paylor to know that they're here." He tells me wearily.

Hearing this stops me on my tracks. "Are you kidding?" and Silas's serious expression confirms what I'm hearing. I'm instantly furious. Something about leaving Paylor out of anything related to the revolution seems treacherous to me, especially after what we've been through together. "Who the hell does she think she is" I mutter under my breath and turn around to walk out and I hear Silas, Nathan, and Johanna trying to keep up with me. "Where are they?" I ask, practically foaming at the mouth. Nathan than rushes ahead of me to show me the way. I don't understand why I'm so angry, I don't even know what she wants yet but I have a sinking feeling.

In the distance I finally see them. Gale lays a hand on Katniss's shoulder and talks seriously to her. He doesn't look happy either. They finally see us coming and they turn their attention towards us.

As I walk towards them, I try to keep calm as I search for Katniss's gaze, when we meet I begin to feel agitated. "What are you up to Katniss?" I ask trying to sound calm. I remember the close moment we just shared a few hours ago, maybe she's not going to ruin that.

She looks nervous and she looks like she's thinking hard to verbalize her thoughts. "I have a proposition for you and your loved ones." She says as she looks at Johanna, Silas, and Nathan. "I want to escape, leave 13 and the Revolution. Come with me."

I stare at her for a long moment and think about what she's telling me. Then I start to laugh. "I don't remember you having a sense of humor…" I look at her again and I know she's serious. "and you're serious." I nod and can't help but feel disgusted. "How dare you.." I look her over, in disbelief. She's such a disappointment. "I'm not interested." I tell her calmly and I want nothing more than to walk away from her.

"Peeta please listen, there's more." She pleads.

So I look at her because I'm genuinely curious. "You're out of your mind… but I'll listen."

"If we stay, we're dead." She tells me simply. "Peeta, you must know you can't trust Coin, after the position she put you and us in 1. You know I'm right. We would be replacing Snow with another tyrant. More importantly, she's using us Peeta. She promised Jon that she would keep us apart for our missions, for both our safety and she put us at risk by sending us into 1 together. You know that was a personal attack…"

I know just as much as she does that she purposely put us at risk. I nod impatiently because that's obvious to everyone. "Yeah – I realized that. Didn't I confront her about it when she made the announcement." I say it bitterly.

"Peeta, to me, that mission was a blatant statement that she's done with us. We are of no use to her anymore. She knows that I will not support her post this Revolution and now that there's a push for elections and a parliament she wants to use you to kill me. You would be sealing your death sentence for killing the Mockingjay." Her voice is nervous and pleading all at once.

I stare at her for a long time and my heart is racing I'm so furious because I already know this.

"Tell me you see this Peeta." She exclaims.

"Yes I see it. Everything you are saying is obvious to me." I say impatiently.

She sighs in relief. "So than you'll walk away from this? It's for the best..."

I look at her and I realize that she still hasn't fully committed to the future of Panem, the Revolution. "No Katniss, I'm not going with you." She's about to protest so I raise my voice to let her know that I need to finish. "I'm staying right here and seeing this Revolution through. It's bigger than Coin, it's bigger than you, and it's bigger than me. Our lives don't count at all in the grand scheme of things. Besides, if I have to take on Coin after we bring down Snow, I'm willing to do that." I say to her.

She looks frightened when I say this. "Peeta come on!" she protests. "You can't do this to yourself again. She is not going to protect you if you go into the Capitol, if Snow captures you again, and you can bet he's gunning for you – she will let you rot!"

"I'm not changing my mind." I say insistently.

She walks towards me and now she looks furious. "Damn it Peeta, don't be naïve!"

"Don't you dare say that! I am not naïve like before. I know why I'm fighting…" I begin to express my conviction but she begins to laugh. It infuriates me and I begin to feel my blood boil.

"Oh Peeta – you don't see it do you… Some things haven't changed about you. You're a dreamer, you're romantic, and you aren't always practical. This Revolution, the idea of it, epitomizes romance, but it's an illusion Peeta. Look at what happened to you because you refused to compromise your convictions."

The moment she says this, I feel crazy. I feel as if she were attacking the most vulnerable part of me, the part that was willing to die for her and now here she is, mocking it. I can feel myself seething like a raging animal and both my heart and breathing increases.

"Peeta you were convinced whatever happened would be worth it if you didn't waver, further you believed nothing would happen. Hell you made me believe at times that we were safe! But we weren't Peeta." She says this gasping for air as if she needs to choke down sobs that she's fighting against. This sentiment is not lost on me and it makes my fury waver but I'm still insulted by her comments. "They almost killed you Peeta. You dreamed too much, you – we believed in the wrong people. Haymitch betrayed us. Even I believed that if I went along with Snow he would leave my sister alone Peeta. My sister! she is so innocent and he didn't care, he took pleasure in torturing me by hanging her well being over my head. We believed that if we played their game by their rules we would get what we wanted but we were wrong. You were wrong and that's why they almost killed you like an animal. They tore us apart. " And this time she can't suppress the tears and the sad whimper.

I'm furious now and I realize that my chest in rising fast and hard with every breath. I hate hearing her say this, she makes me feel like that impotent, naïve, weak 17 year old that entered the Quell, not fully understanding that my life was at stake. I realize that she's been taking small steps towards me and now she standing only a step away from me. I become very aware of her shaky breathing and I finally see the tears dwelling in her eyes, full of hope that I will leave with her. I'm furious. So I decide to walk away instead, I'm not going to dignify her with an answer. I stare coolly into her eyes, I look away, turn around, and I begin to walk away from her. I gave her my answer and I'm not repeating myself.

As I walk away she screams out to me, her pleading and desperate tone is gone, she sounds angry and exasperated. "Damn it didn't you hear me!?" She protests. It's the last straw because it's as if she thought she could change my mind with a few tears, as if she could so easily manipulate me. I feel my fury boil over and I turn on my heel and charge towards her. I instantly see Nathan and Silas step between us and even Johanna throws herself in front of me in hopes of restraining me. But I find myself right in front of her again, her face only a breath away.

"If you think you're going to get your way with a few tears you are sadly mistaken Katniss! You don't tell me what to do and you don't dictate my life anymore! Do you understand! Take your little sermon and your manipulative tears and shove them because I am fighting for Panem's future!" I yell it in her face and I actually feel a release, as if the explosive anger has escaped me. Then there's silence and only the palpable tension fills the air. I turn around again and walk away from her. But she doesn't let it end there.

"I hope you rot!" She screams at me.

I turn on my heal look her in the eye and take the final blow without screaming because I know there is no need. "No, you're boy with the bread rotted." When I say this her face falls, I've wounded her deeply. I even hear her gasp, I've knocked the air out of her and it's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to hurt her. "And now I'm more alive than ever." I hit my chest as I say this because I can feel my heart screaming it proud. Her chin is trembling as she stares at me in amazement and she reaches out to hold on to Finnick to steady herself.

I finally turn around and walk away.


	42. Chapter 42

As Johanna and I head back to 13 I think of what I am to do next. What am I going to do with Coin. I don't know that I have it in me to not reproach her the moment I see her. Will she even want to talk.

"What are you thinking?" Johanna asks.

I nod in disgust. "What is left to say to Coin – what's the point?" I look at Johanna now. "Her cards are on the table, her plan to kill Paylor, have me kill Katniss, and killing me one way or another is painfully obvious." I stare at her and Johanna nods in agreement. Then I laugh. "Is she going to call a Victor meeting? For what and what end purpose? And if this is the unspoken truth can I reproach her for it, when do we tell her she's on her own, or do we keep up the charade until the war is over?"

"I think until the war is over – you don't want to declare war against her just yet." Johanna tells me logically. "What about Jon?" She asks.

I roll my eyes and then glare at her. "You're still with that…" I reproach her. "He had nothing to do with it, I'm certain."

"If you say so – I don't trust anybody." She tells me plainly as she looks out the window.

Then I feel that hot feeling in my stomach again when I think about Ivy so I decide to ask Johanna. "What do you know about them?" I ask abruptly and she turns to look at me. "Jon and Ivy?" I ask.

She laughs. "wow – I wasn't expecting this from you." She tells me.

"What? Me being jealous?" I say feeling a little confused.

She laughs a the word as if it were an absurdity."You're right. I don't know anything. She has never said anything to me aside from what I told you yesterday. I've also seen how Jon is with her; I mean he blushes if she walks into a room…" She says laughing but she stops instantly when she looks at me and only then do I realize how tense I feel. "Look – I don't doubt for a second that Ivy is absolutely crazy about you, I honestly doubt she would do anything to betray you. Did she play Jon in the past to get access to you, absolutely… If you're asking me how far that went I have no idea." She tells me.

I take a deep breath. "It's that part that isn't sitting well with me."

Johanna laughs. "No shit." She says.

I glare at her. "I guess I should just ask her." I say.

"Yeah – I'm sure you two have a long pending conversation especially after the stunt you pulled in 1 with Katniss." She says laughing.

"What?" I look at her.

She looks flabbergasted. "Peeta!" She exclaims. "That whole scene you two created at that rally – the long awaited star-crossed lover display. Don't be brainless Peeta, I'm not buying it." She announces.

Only then do I realize what she's talking about the scene that was broadcasted over all of Panem. The closeness I felt towards Katniss hits me like a wave and I have to close my eyes as an inexplicable shudder comes over me.

"Hadn't thought of that, had you?" Johanna tells me.

"Yes, we talked about it." Then I feel frustrated when I think of how Katniss and I ended things. "I just think of her and I get furious over her proposition. I'm not worried. I get that Ivy won't like it but I can explain, more importantly it meant nothing. I just wanted rub it in Snow and Coin's faces – if she didn't figure it out already. Besides – she'll also hear about Katniss's selfish proposition… The nerve" I mutter.

"It's not selfishness – it's self-preservation." Johanna tells me calmly. Then she turns to face me. "And – she loves you, she's still trying to save you."

I look away nervously from her and I don't feel like talking to her anymore.

When we finally arrive it isn't long before we get out of our small craft. As we exit with the small crew that we essentially hitched a ride with, we aren't surprised to find the smallest welcome reception I've seen throughout this entire war. I laugh aloud. Then I see Delly, Ivy, Haymitch, Boggs, and Jon walk into the docking area. I stop laughing and I feel the wind hit me. I finally realize that it's been three months since I last saw them. The one month mission Coin wanted was out of the question and it's a miracle we did it in three. I don't think much before I even know it, I find myself walking towards Ivy in haste and when I reach her I wrap my arms around her and pull her in to a kiss. Her hands are quickly on my face and I can feel her hands tremble. I pull away and hug her because I remember how sick from anguish she was before my departure.

"It's okay." I whisper into her ear. "I'm okay."

She exhales sharply and I notice her body temperature surge. I peek up and notice Jon awkwardly staring at us and I have to close my eyes because I don't want to deal with jealousy right now. When I open them I see Delly staring at us smiling warmly and so without letting go of Ivy I reach out to her with one of my arms and pull her into a hug as well. I finally pull away and I realize that Haymitch is standing there, I'm not sure that I was expecting him and I'm even more surprised that I don't feel anger upon seeing him.

"Peeta." He says plainly with a smile on his face. He must be thrilled that I'm not shooting daggers at him with my eyes.

"Hey." I say.

"Are you two okay, we were told that only you two would be returning."

I look at all of them and they look calm and I realize that they don't know.

"Were you two injured?" Boggs asks.

Johanna laughs. "Yeah you can say that. I was injured. I was shot and I nearly drowned which let me tell you, did quite the number on my head." She says bitterly. Jon looks horrified and steps towards her but Johanna puts her hand up to signal him to give her space. "Then there's what happened to Peeta…"

They all turn to me and look me over. I laugh. "No you can't see what happened to me." I then look at Jon and for some damn reason I can't control the jealousy that begins to brew and I certainly can't control the reproach. "My medication wasn't working."

Jon looks shocked. "What do you mean?" He sounds alarmed.

I take a step towards him and I realize then that I am suspicious of him only I don't know how much of it is jealousy. "Every single pill and liquid form of medication was a fucking placebo. You want to tell me how that happened?"

"What?" Ivy gaps but she runs to stand between us and she begins to push me back. Then she turns around to face Jon. "Jon what happened?" She asks sounding completely shocked.

Jon looks pale, horrified, but then furious. Finally he takes a breath and composes himself. "Are you accusing me?"

"Damn right I'm accusing you!" I say it as I charge him and Ivy turns around again and tries to hold me back.

"Peeta he wouldn't do that to you. Please calm down." Ivy begs and I try to move her to the side but she will not let go.

Jon stands staring at me. "Peeta calm down or you may hurt her." He tells me calmly as he looks after her.

I finally do stop and take a deep breath. I realize that I am completely irrational. I look up at him and I realize that for my sake I have to doubt him because I can't fully trust anyone that isn't a friend. I take a few steps back and compose myself before I look at him. I see Haymitch suspiciously staring at Jon. I look back at him. "Jon – the medicine I left with lasted a few days before I had to use the prescriptions you packed for me. It wasn't long before we realized they weren't working. Not a single one. Silas confirmed that they were placebos."

Jon looks pale again and he has to cover his mouth, he's horrified. "Peeta I had no idea…" Then he closes his eyes. "Coin." He whispers.

I nod. "We knew it was a suicide mission but I guess that wasn't enough." Ivy wraps her arms around me and presses her head into my chest and begins to cry. I put one arm around her and kiss her head. "I'm okay Ivy." I then look at Boggs. "Did you know?" I ask him

"No. I knew something was wrong especially when Coin occupied me with mundane tasks around here, never mind that you were all battling it out in 1." He says bitterly. "To be frank when I heard only two people would be returning I was almost expecting to receive you and Katniss in coffins."

I shudder at the thought. "She's not asking for a meeting is she?"

He laughs. "No."

"Good."

Haymitch interrupts us. "You should all get some rest. Johanna you're shaking like a leaf."

"Always so observant Haymitch." Johanna responds slyly.

For some reason I feel uncomfortable and I just walk away from all of them. I feel overwhelmed and I feel too tired to talk to any of them, even Ivy. I make it back to my quarters and I realize that Ivy did not follow me. She probably stayed back to talk to Jon. I breathe through this jealous wave and I decide to shower in hopes to wash off all this anxiety. After, when I step out of the shower I find Ivy sitting on the sofa staring at me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks.

"I don't know what else to say. Do you have questions?"

"Are you hurt?"

"No – just emotionally and mentally strained – if that translates to you." I say feeling like she couldn't possibly understand how this trauma is only targeted at me and no one else. I notice that she winces when I say it. "I don't mean to lash out, it's not at all intended in that way. I'm not reproaching you, it's just the truth." I say calmly as I make my way to the bedroom to change.

"But Katniss does…" She mutters loud enough for me to hear.

I turn on my heal. "Why the hell would you say that?" I say resentfully.

"That was quite the scene you two put on at that celebration. I assume you were recovered at that point and why you didn't try to rip her head off." She tells me coolly.

I walk back towards her "You have a lot of nerve to say that to me. Damn right I was recovered at that point. And damn good thing I wasn't trying to rip her head off!" I say this practically shouting it in her face. "Is that what you want? For me to become a total monster the way Coin and Snow intended me to be. Are you on their side or mine?"

She looks me in the eye and she's furious. "I'm on your side. You are not being fair right now. I get that you're emotionally exhausted but you don't get to push me away because I can't feel what you're feeling or I didn't live through the same hell you and Katniss lived through."

"I'm not pushing you away. I just don't want you to be petty when I just went through hell." I sit down in front her and try to relax. "Ivy – I'm sorry if that hurt your feelings. I'll explain what led to that. I was out of mind and slowing down Nathan, Silas, and Jo in attempt to escape District 1. Our emergency plan was to reach District 4. We were all running for our lives. I was barely functional and we had to make the hard decision of leaving me behind. We agreed that if I stayed at a shelter built by the rebels there was a better chance that we'd all make it. I agreed. Only to my surprise Katniss was also hiding out in the shelter. She was there because they were closely tracking her and she didn't want to risk other people's lives. Now imagine my is a psychotic state in a locked shelter with Katniss. The only reason she's alive is because we had time to lock her in a vaulted bomb shelter within that post. Luckily we didn't wait for long before Paylor was making her way back into 1 with reinforcements. Our friends rushed to get us and Silas had come back with the medicine ready for me. The fact that I didn't rip her head off is a damn miracle and I'm even more happy because Coin or Snow didn't get what they wanted. So it was a huge triumph to the two of us and we saw an opportunity to rub their faces in it."

"Fine." She tells me silently and stands up and makes her way into the bathroom.

For a second I want to lash out and inquire more about Jon but then I realize that in the grand scheme of things I don't care. I don't care how he feels about her and I don't care if something happened between them. My gut feeling is still telling me that Jon didn't do anything to harm me. I'm certain of it. I head to bed instead take a one too many sedatives so that I can pass out, I know I'm abusing it but I don't care.

I wake up in the middle of the night form a nightmare and I wake up screaming looking for Johanna. I find Ivy sitting up in bed next to me reading a book. She's looks dryly over at me.

"Sorry." I mutter as I lay back down and breathe deeply to tell myself that the nightmare wasn't real.

"You don't need to apologize. It was a bad dream." She says coolly as she turns back to her book.

I take a moment to assess her mood. "I'm sorry for earlier. I am stressed to say the least and I don't like being back here knowing Coin is out to get me."

She puts her book down and closes her eyes. Then she looks at me with empathy. "I'm sorry you feel this way. I hate it too – I cannot believe she did that to you." She tells me furiously. Only then I feel the walls I was putting up to keep her out. I grab her hand and I kiss it.

"I'm so sorry Ivy. Believe me every time I'm out there I'm thinking about you and I worry about you and I remember that I'm doing this for our future together. I don't want to leave you alone in this world." She then lays next to me and curls up next to me. "Ivy you have nothing to worry about when it comes to Katniss. Believe me I know why it bothered you but it's nothing like before." I think again to our last fight. "Besides that harmony you saw was short lived. She pissed me off so bad and I pretty much sent her to hell." Ivy leans up to look at me and she looks concerned. "Don't ask. It's not worth it." I say to her.

That night we both toss and turn and I can feel the tension in the room. I'm not sure why but it only subsides with our touches, our kisses, and we finally give in and make love. When it's over I realize that we had been avoiding it and I'm not sure why because I have proven time and time again that only in bed do I wholly feel like myself. Only with Ivy I feel like myself and I find the peace to rest.

* * *

The next month I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I have terrible back pain from the tension I constantly feel in my back. I often make my way out of my quarters and end up in Johanna or Annie's bed or sometimes the three of us sleep together. I know we are terrified for our friends who are now trying to stop District 2's reinforcements to the Capitol. At least this time Coin didn't interfere in providing the appropriate support, which is why things are moving along. I've gone as far as interacting with Haymitch so that I can get updates. He keeps talking about the Nut, the military power that resides inside a mountain. I don't dare ask but I also realize that I want to hear about Katniss and how she's doing through all of this.

I'm having dinner with Ivy, Johanna, and Annie when Johanna and I are paged to sit in on a security meeting.

"Well – long overdue welcome back meeting don't you think." Johanna exclaims cynically.

I stare at her and wonder if I should go at all but I'm honestly curious.

Johanna must read my mind. "Well Peeta if she tries anything to hurt you – we take her out." She smiles menacingly. "You know we're capable of it…"

I smile and I look at Ivy who looks horrified at Johanna. I shake Johanna's thought out of my mind. "We should just go." I tell her plainly.

We make our way to the war room and as soon as I walk in my eyes find Coin. I have to remind myself to breathe. I look away from her and I find Haymitch whose presence is a surprising comfort. I nod at him. I go to sit down and Johanna restlessly sits on the table instead, since 1, her nerves are shot and she's abusing morphling again.

"What's going on Coin?" Haymitch asks. Just then Beetee come through the door with a two other soldiers.

"Why don't I let Beetee explain." Coins says coolly with a smile on her face.

"Hello everyone." Beetee says nervously. "Together with the troops in 2, we have a plan to bring this to a screeching halt." He says nervously. "The source of command and reinforcements is coming from the mountain, we know this. If we stop that, it's over."

"No kidding Beetee. How do we crack the nut?" Haymitch asks impatiently.

"Bombing it from the outside does nothing because it has a superficial surface, underneath the shell the real mountain lays so we will have to attack from within. There are holes on the outside and we will drop bombs in them."

I begin to feel fear crawl up my back. "Won't that crumble the mountain and cut off their oxygen supply?" I ask.

Beettee looks at me. "That's the point Peeta."

It takes me a moment to process what he just said because I'm shocked. "No way – that feels like murder. Maybe it's because I'm from 12 but – what you are telling us is a nightmare, inhumane, and despicable. There has to be another way." I insist.

"It's a necessary evil Peeta." Coin interjects.

I look cynically at her. "you would say that."

"Besides the decision has been made. I don't want to lose more lives than we need to. This needs to end now." She tells us all ignoring my comment. "I called you in here to let you know that it's underway."

I look at the screen and I realize why the camera has been on the mountain. Then I see the crafts approaching it and I see the bombs drop. I'm sure District 2 will think it's nothing more than more bombs being dropped on the mountain and they are completely unaware of the strategy behind them. A few seconds pass when you can actually see the mountain tremble and I wonder if it's me and not the screen. I reach out and hold Johanna's hand.

"That hadn't happened before!" a solider sitting in the room exclaims and Coin smiles at her.

I get what they are saying, the necessary evil, but it doesn't sit well with me. I think back to all the miners living back home. Our school field trips to the mines. I remember often going to the mines and offering bread when we could. I then remember watching a little Katniss making her way to the District building to get special recognition for losing her father in those mines. I wonder if she knows about this and if she does, this must be hell for her.

"Will people have time to get out?" I ask. I wonder because if they do, I wonder if Boggs will be merciful the way Paylor would be.

Beetee responds. "If they do Peeta there is only one way out. There is an underground train that will allow them to get out. If trains make it out with survivors our troops will be waiting at the stop miles away from the mountain."

Just then we notice that the mountain shakes violently and just like that it begins to crumble and I feel like something inside of me crumbles as well. I stand up in horror.

The screen changes and now I am looking at troops waiting in a station. I keep hoping that a train pulls in with survivors. Finally we can see a train covered in ash pulls up to the station and all soldiers prepare to shoot.

"What are they doing?" Beetee asks.

"They are under orders to shoot." Coin says plainly.

I look at her in horror and I have no words because I'm not surprised. I look away because I can't witness a blood bath.

"Katniss?" I hear Johanna gasp.

I look back at the screen in horror. There she is standing there in front of the troops with her hands up as if to appease them. Then the train doors open and people begin to rush out gasping for air as they collapse to the ground covered in ashes. She quickly turns to face them. Then a young man looks up at her and instantly pulls his gun out to shoot her, he must recognize her. My body tenses and I feel a freezing cold drop of sweat run down my spine. I begin to move and approach the screen in front of us. I cover my mouth in disbelief. But then Katniss begins to speak. She tells them how we can't keep killing each other. She reminds them that Snow does this to us and that he will keep doing it as long as we let him. We need to stand up together. She then tells them she can't believe what just happened because miners don't do this to each other and she is done killing other districts for Snow's cause. There is silence for what feels like an eternity but the rebels bring down their guns. Then the young soldier before her stares at her through his dust covered face and brings down his gun. I finally inhale. I'm rattled to the core when I hear a single gunshot. I look in horror and I see that Katniss falls back. Just like that, the terrifying painful fear crawls up my back and I feel as if it crushed my spine and my soul. I feel as if I fall into an abyss and darkness consumes me.

* * *

I wake up feeling cold. I try to sit up but I feel the restraints. "Fuck" I mutter under my breath. I try to assess what happened why am I here again? I close my eyes and it hits me, the image of Katniss getting shot in front of all Panem. My heart hurts and begin to cry, I don't even care about the restraints.

"Hey – you're awake."

I hear Johanna's voice and my eyes fly open to find her standing over me. "Is she…" I begin to ask if Katniss is dead but a silent choking sob in the back of my throat drowns out the words and instead I get a fresh stream of tears.

"No." She murmurs gently as she gently runs her hands through my hair in an attempt to soothe me.

I stop crying and I feel relieved.

"She's okay. Her suit is like an armor. The bullet never penetrated it, the impact did break ribs and it ruptured her spleen." She explains and I feel alarmed again. "It sounds a lot more serious than it is Peeta."

"Where is she?" I ask her.

"She's here. She had surgery in 2, they have great hospitals… lucky them… anyway she's here. Resting comfortably in the hospital here." Johanna replies calmly.

"Can you see if I can lose the restraints, I'd like to see her."

"I can remove them, they're on as a precaution. You had an episode but it wasn't violent. You were just catatonic." She explains to me as she removes them. I sit up slowly and Johanna walks across the room to get my prosthetic. Once she hands it to me I attach it and jump off the bed. I feel shaky and weak.

"Wow." I say aloud as I stop to let my head settle because everything feels off. I look inquisitively at Johanna wondering why I feel so feeble.

"You were out two day." She says dryly.

I nod and proceed to walk with her following closely behind. I'm silent as I let Johanna lead the way.

She periodically looks back to see me. After many glances she finally asks. "What are you thinking?"

I stare at her for a moment and then I consider her questions. "Nothing." And it's true my mind is completely blank I just feel cold and I need to see Katniss.

We finally make it to the hospital and we enter the post-operation area. Johanna leads me towards a room and we enter. Inside I see Katniss sleeping on her hospital bed. She looks frail and even more petite. I feel a pang in my chest because I remember all the occasions where we shared a bed and how I always thought she looked petite in the exaggerated large beds the Capitol offered us. I stand in the doorway just staring at her not even knowing why I wanted to see her so desperately. I see movement out to the corner of my eye and I turn to see Finnick standing there with a dazed Annie. He grabs Annie's hand and pulls her towards me.

"Hey, I'm glad you're on your feet." He tells me as he pats my shoulder. I look at Annie and she's not present. Was this my condition these past two days? I feel disgusted with her and myself. I close my eyes and try to shake the bitterness out of my mind. I just tap Finnick's hand on my shoulder. "I'll give you two a moment alone." He adds.

I open my eyes and stare at him because I'm a little surprised. Is that what I want? Do I want a moment alone with an unconscious Katniss? He walks past me and I look at Katniss again. I finally register Gale staring skeptically at me. Johanna follows Finnick and Annie out the door next so I move towards her bed and I pull up a chair next to it. I sit down and I look up at Gale.

"Can I have a moment alone…" I ask Gale.

He looks beyond frustrated. "Not on your life." He tells me resentfully.

I inhale and exhale sharply and I guess he has a point. "Fine." I mutter. I focus on her and I feel that pang again. I go to grab her hand. "I can't believe you got shot…" I say this and a strange laugh begins to rise out of me. I bring her hand, which is intertwined in mine and attempt to cover my mouth because I know it's completely inappropriate for me to laugh. But I can't contain it so I just let the soft laughter escape me as I hold her hand to my lips. When I finally inhale the laughter changes to pain and I feel the flow of tears begin to run again. That's more like it. This feels right. I'm completely and utterly heartbroken over the fact that Katniss was shot, hurt, and could have been killed in the line of duty.

"What am I going to do about you?" I ask pitifully. "I hate that you got shot. My whole world went dark when I saw you get shot - live on TV no less." I take a moment to breathe because the tears just keep coming. "You know I'm really wishing you would have decided to run off while you were in 1, that way you wouldn't be here right now." I stop to think about what I just said. "You have to have your way don't you…" I say lightheartedly considering the irony, I had declared her a traitor and a coward for even suggesting it and now I'm wishing wholeheartedly that she would have run off. "I guess – I need just one thing from you – you need to be okay… out there somewhere. I need to know you're alive and well. I don't care if you follow this Revolution anymore, it doesn't matter, we can carry it on without you. I just don't want it to destroy you, much less kill you." I look down at her hand again and stare at it. It's so small in my hand, it always was. I bring it to my lips again and this time I kiss it gently. "Be well Katniss."

I look up and I register Gale again, just staring at her lost in thought. I don't bother saying anything else to him. I rise to my feet, turn around and walk out.

* * *

I make my way back towards my quarters. I look at the time and it's 3 in the afternoon. I wonder where Ivy is and I realize she's either working or in school. I notice that I'm still wearing my clothes from two days ago so I rush to the bathroom to shower. When I come out I find Ivy standing in the sitting area holding a container.

She stares blankly at me. Then she looks down at the container and extends it out. "Jon said you didn't eat today. You left before you could eat. I guess he didn't even know if you would snap out of it today." She talks nervously and I don't know why.

I reach out and take the container. I open it and start to eat it because I suddenly feel hungry. As I eat, I look up and notice Ivy staring at me curiously. I stop to chew my food for a second and realize that Jon was not around when I woke up. "I didn't see Jon when I woke up. He wasn't around. You'd think he'd come to me as soon as I woke up." I say it with a mouth full of food.

"Yes… he was there but he went to the medical library to drop off some…" She begins to tell me.

"Study materials for you?" I interrupt her. I stare at her as I continue to eat and she looks nervous, I doubt it has anything to do with my question but more my mannerisms right now. She's probably wondering how crazy am I right now. But she shakes whatever uncomfortable though is plaguing her and she continues coolly.

"Yeah – we have exams coming up." She says.

I nod as I continue to eat. I realize that my demeanor is building tension between us. I stand here half-naked, eating mouthfuls of food out of a container, while standing and it's forcing her to stand stiff and awkwardly.

I look at her again and I don't even see it coming. "Are you fucking Jon?" I ask casually with a mouth full of food as I continue to eat.

Her calm demure cool demeanor cracks and she looks horrified. "No!" She protests.

I nod and I truly believe her. So I continue eating but now I move from the same spot and begin to walk towards the bedroom, dismissing her all together.

"What the hell Peeta! You want to explain?!" She paces after me.

I sit on the edge of the bed and look up at her as I continue eating. "Not really. I just wanted to know since it's been brought to my attention recently that he goes above and beyond for you. Frankly now that I think about it, his special attention is obvious I just didn't think anything of it. But now that it's been brought to my attention I'm seeing it loud and clear."

"Are you manic right now?" She asks sounding exasperated.

I nod. "Probably but I know what I'm saying." I say calmly.

"Let me guess Johanna told you." She says accusingly.

"Yes but she wasn't gossiping or being nasty about it. She truly believed that Jon switched my meds in 1, to get me out of the way…"

She looks disgusted when she hears this. "Johanna would think that.. she's vile."

"Maybe but I love her and she's my friend."

Ivy leans against the doorway and presses her mouth as she nods bitterly. "What about her…" She stays silent until I look up from my food to look at her. "Are you fucking her?" She asks bitterly.

I throw my spoon in my container and rest it on my leg as I stare at her. "No." I say honestly, because I'm not. I feel satisfied with my half-truth and I pick up my spoon to continue eating. But I can tell by the silence in the room that she's not buying it.

"Why don't I believe that…" She says this pitifully.

I look up at her and she looks hurt. I throw the spoon back in the container and I put it to the side this time. I stand up and walk towards her. "Because it's a half truth, white lie, or whatever else you would call a technicality used to spare someone else's feelings." She stares hatefully at me and she closes her eyes. So I continue, she's asking me for the whole truth and I have no right to keep it from her, besides it doesn't matter anymore. "I slept with Johanna before – once." I stop when I see Ivy's face flinch from my truth. It's the kind of face one makes when one touches something hot – like metal or you accidentally touch the hot oven door as you pull bread out. "It was a long time ago and you and I were not together then." She opens her eyes and she laughs cynically. "It's the truth. It was a one-time thing, besides we were really messed up then."

"Then..." She says cynically.

"Yeah, we're still a mess I guess but we're not turning to each other for sexual favors anymore if that's what you are thinking." I tell her bitterly and I aim to hurt her. "I mean, don't get me wrong I am a mess. I see the girl I loved my whole life get shot on television and my world stops for two days." I can tell she's furious now and tears start to dwell in her eyes but she wipes them dry before they shed.

"I don't know why you're being so nasty to me right now but I'm going to let you have this moment. Let you come off this manic state before we talk again." She walks into the room grabs her pajamas and starts to head out.

"Yeah maybe you should do that – maybe reach out to Jon while he's in the middle of his busy schedule – and ask him about how you should deal with manic stages as a medical professional, I'm sure he'll drop his busy schedule and helping sick people to address your personal crisis."

She's at the door and she stares back at me bitterly. "I guess this is a good sign – at least you're jealous over me – the only thing telling me that you give a damn about me." She then walks out and slams the door behind her.

The slamming door, her words with their sentiment snaps me out of it because I feel instantly guilty, so much so that my heart hurts and I sink to the floor. I want to run after her and hug her and bring her back here and apologize profusely but I stop myself. I know that I'd only be doing it to make myself feel better and not for her. Right now she needs space, she deserves it. Instead I lay in our bed and just breathe through the aching anxiety plaguing me.

After hours pass, I decide to open up a book and read until I doze out. The slumber is short lived because I am woken up by my own piercing scream desperately calling for Katniss, worst my old memories and fears and their traumas. I can't contain the tears the fear and discomfort it's so unsettling I throw up. My heart is racing and I force myself to focus on just one thought, one memory, or one fear resurfacing. The one that finds me is the cold bitter realization that my worst nightmare is coming true and with it – it brings the emotions, the flashbacks, Cato, Thrash, Rue, Foxface, the old night terrors that Snow had wiped clean in the Capitol. I am reacquainted with my biggest fear in this world – losing Katniss Everdeen. I can smell the stench of my rotting flesh, the moldiness of that rocky enclave we called a cave, I can hear the wind howl in that miserable forest, and I can hear the rush of the stream where Katniss found me a breath away from dying. Worst - I can feel the total contentment I felt by holding her in my arms in the middle of hell. The comforting disconnect I have experienced these past years where I could think of that time in my life as if I were looking at a picture of someone else is gone. Once again, I feel it beating through me and it breaks my heart.

* * *

Three days go by before I allow myself to reach out to Ivy. I've kept my distance because I owe her that much. I've held my tongue around Jon and he doesn't seem to know anything about what is going on. I have a feeling that if he knew anything was wrong between Ivy and me he would want to talk to me about it. It's not because he's a bad guy and is trying to take advantage of a rift, but because he'd be crazy not to, I know better than anyone that Ivy is a special woman. According to Nathan, she has been staying with Delly and so I have not gone to visit my friend so that I can give Ivy space. But three days is too much. I can't eat, I can't sleep and it's not just because of my recurring nightmares of losing Katniss, I can't focus on anything because the thought of losing Ivy begins to dawn on me and it gives me a terrible sensation. It truly feels like it's the worst thing that can happen to me. Silas is the only one that seems amused by my dilemma – he swears to me that he keeps reminding Ivy how crazy in love I am with her and that the proof is to see just how love sick I am. As I stand in front of a mirror and I guess I can see what he's talking about. Silas tells me that the more the dark circles grown under my eyes the better it will be for me because I will look genuine to Ivy.

At first I thought I could wait until she decided to come back but now I'm desperate to see her because what if she never wants to come that. The moment I think of this possibility I panic and go looking for her in a way that will make me run into her, perhaps even appearing casually but I've had no luck.

Finally during my doctor's visit I decide to swallow my pride and ask Jon if he knows where Ivy would be. I can only hope that he doesn't know anything about what happened and that my question sounds casual enough that it will just make him think that I don't know where she is in that particular moment. It seemed to work because without any hesitation he swiftly told me that she was putting in volunteer hours with the reconstruction of 13 above ground. I had to laugh because I was in awe of how aware he is of her. I mean how would he know that, it has nothing to do with her medical preparations. He looked puzzled by my laughter and I came close to telling him that he should do a better job of concealing his interest in her but I swallowed my jealousy for Ivy's sake. I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable position with Jon, after all he is her professor and their relationship is very likely completely professional. Besides, I do consider Jon a friend, he has behaved like nothing less. I owe him the courtesy of not outing his feelings for Ivy.

After my visit with Jon I make my way above ground to find Ivy. I step out and I am hit by a pleasant cool breeze. It feels fresh and I welcome it. The nice sensation paralyzes me. I can see how much has gone up, schools, the construction of a hospital, houses. There has been so much city planning in the past that once this opportunity came up 13 was ready to put their plan into action. I find a group of medical students that I know through Silas and I ask them about Ivy's whereabouts. They tell me that she's in the forest surveying the land with a soldier. They point towards the designated safe route she took.

I proceed to follow the path and after a few minutes of walking I hear her laughter in the distance. The sound of it actually makes me stop on my tracks and I smile. I proceed following the path and I finally see her. Only she's not alone. She's standing with Gale Hawthorne. I stop and observe them, he continues to point out different things up in the trees and she proceeds to look. He pulls a few leaves off a bush and asks her to try them because they're mint. She does and she smiles. He then proceeds to lean down towards her and whisper something in her ear, which is completely unnecessary since there's no one around that they know of to overhear him. She looks shocked as he slowly pulls away and she looks both amused and angry by whatever he told her. She proceeds to put her hand on the middle of his chest and gently but firmly pushes him away, playfully really. He's actually being charming, something I never associate with him.

They proceed to start moving again laughing and he then tell her 'come on girl'. That word, girl, the way he uses it with her hits a nerve. It's not the first time I've heard him use it with her, it seems familiar to them, intimate and then I'm furious. I quicken my pace and Gale notices me first. He's never happy to see me but when I see Ivy turn to me her whole happy demeanor changes. She looks sad and that makes me stop and all the anger I had subsides. She shouldn't look at me like that because I'm the one that should make her happy. It's not her fault that people, especially men, will naturally flock to her. I take a breath and I smile at her and this makes her expression soften somewhat. I also notice that Gale looks between us curiously, anyone would be able to notice something is wrong with us.

As I approach. I call to her softly. "Ivy."

Her chin trembles because she must see what a wreck I've been, my love sickness clearly showing on my face. "How did you know I was here?" She asks.

I can't help but notice Gale's expression, his eyebrows rise clearly confirming his suspicion. I try to ignore him and focus on her question. Then I think of the answer and it strikes my sense of humor. I begin to feel laughter rise out of me but I control it so that I can answer. "I asked Jon and he happened to know…" and I can't help the smile that starts to curve my mouth, there is no cynicism in my response, it's just funny.

I look at her and her eyes are blazing mad but not because of our fight because she too is finding humor in the situation but she doesn't want her anger to waver, not yet. Of course Jon would know where she would be, the source of our fight. She is trying hard to suppress her laughter but I see it rising from her chest.

"Ivy.." I call out to her again and somehow she wins her resolve because she looks angry.

"No!" She shouts at me when I take a step towards her.

She's only a step away so I reach out and place my hand on her waist. She tries to pull my hand away but this only makes me clutch to her waist harder and I quickly bring my other arm around her waist, entrapping her in my arms. She continues to resist me and Gale interjects.

"Hey wait a minute – Ivy are you okay? Peeta let her go." Gale then proceeds to put his hand on my shoulder and he pushes me. It takes everything in me to not attack him but I know that it will only make things worse. So I step back.

"Ivy we need to talk." I tell her firmly completely void of good humor but reproachful because I absolutely hate the thought of Gale of all people mediating between us.

"Gale it's okay. He's right we need to talk." Ivy tells him and me.

"Are you sure, he's upset and you know that's dangerous."

"Don't talk about me as if I were not standing right here." I say bitterly and he finally looks at me.

"Gale, he is not a threat to me. I'm not Katniss." She tells him and he looks at her and nods.

"All right – I'll catch you another time girl." He tells her with the most dazzling grin I've ever seen on him and this disgusts me. And of course, there's that damn word again but I realize that I cannot let jealousy get the best of me again. Even if this is about Gale, I'd rather be jealous of Jon a million times over than Gale Hawthorne. It's old bitter territory I guess and a tough pill to swallow. In my mind Gale goes hand in hand with Katniss, but not Ivy. He walks away.

"I'm so sorry about everything… I had no right…" I begin to plead desperately but she cuts me off.

"I know you are. I just want to get past this. Seeing you right now – I feel exhausted." She says this as if the fight in her has left her completely and it's unsettling. "It's like this. I knew you were manic at that moment, and you didn't know how to communicate your feelings to me at that moment. You lashed out and instead of giving you space I let my own anger and jealousy take over and I engaged…"

"What are you talking about?!" I have to shout at her. "You are talking to me as if I were… nothing more than a patient – a mental patient. You are rationalizing everything I feel … everything that you feel! Why?" And finally I see that fire in her eyes again.

"Because you hurt me!" She shouts in my face and pushes me furiously. "You accuse me of fucking Jon! When you spend night after night in Johanna's arms, you flirt with her, you are in constant physical contact with her. Then there's Katniss! I saw that clip – that was not a staged propo was it?" She asks bitterly.

"No." I reply.

I see a fresh wave of hatred come over her. "Of course not. The way you two look at each other, the way you held on to her hand, you held on to it for as long as you could. Your arm stretched out as far as you could before finally letting go, and even then your eyes were sill on her hand as if wanting to hold on to it with your whole being." She says all of this in one breath which makes her whisper her last words because she's gasping for air. Then she composes herself and looks me in the eye again. "I realize that I didn't know what you had just survived… but it doesn't excuse any of it. I'm sick of excusing this hurtful behavior with your brain damage. It's not fair."

"I don't want you to excuse it." I think desperately and I don't know where to start. "Ivy – you know Johanna and I are just friends. We went through so much together…"

"damn it Peeta you've also been through a lot with me! And you know what I think you have a terrible habit. You make a habit of taking advantage of me, because a part of you knows that my love is always there for you… waiting. And that makes me feel cheap."

"Ivy…" I try to reach out to her but she pushes my hand away from me and takes off running instead. I don't have the energy to run after her because I feel like the worst person in the world. Ivy has deserved the best part of me and I have hurt her deeply.

The rest of the day I'm in a daze. I can't eat or think clearly. I'm completely sick with grief over the idea that I may have pushed Ivy too far. Silas and Nathan show up at my door and I reluctantly let them in. The moment that they walk in I walk back to my bed and collapse.

"Really Peeta – that's very melodramatic of you." Silas tells me and I can tell there's smirk on his face.

"Fuck off Silas." I tell him and I truly mean it.

He laughs. "Awe – come on Peeta – nothing a good roll in the hay won't fix between the two of you. Trust me." He says crassly.

"Silas… back off." Nathan warns him. "Peeta – there's a social being hosted above ground. There's music and everything, you should come. Ivy may be there and you need to pursue her."

I think about what he says and I sit up. "You're right." And it seems like they finally look at me.

"Whoa buddy – what the hell is wrong with you?" Nathan asks as he grabs my face.

"What? What is it?" I ask feeling alarmed and I push his hands off me and I go to look at myself in the mirror. He's right. The circles under my eyes are more noticeable, my eyes are red and swollen from my crying nightmares, I haven't eaten, and I can see lines on my face.

"Is something else wrong?" Nathan asks because he followed me to the bathroom. "Have you been sick?"

I stare at him. "Yes… No, I'm not sick. I haven't been able to sleep because …" my voice cracks and a sob escapes me and Nathan looks alarmed and his arms know to catch me as my knees give out from under me. "Katniss could have died and now those old night terrors are back because I can't stand the thought of losing her." And now I'm on my knees as Nathan cradles my head in his arms. I look up and see Silas standing over us, and he too looks horrified.

After a few minutes of trying to get myself together I finally stand up and tell them that I need to clean up. They wait outside. When I finally come out they look perplexed. "What am I going to do?" I ask.

"Ivy is out there, you're going to go out there and win her over because you need her…" Silas tells me firmly.

"She deserves so much more…"

"Maybe but damn it she wants you and after everything that she's been through she fucking deserves to get what she wants. Not to mention that she's the best thing that will ever happen to you." Silas tells me, reproachfully. And what can I say to that – he's completely right. He turns around and leads the way out.

As I step outside I welcome the comfortable air again. The weather is perfect. It's dark out yet the sun is distant enough where it's light no longer hurts my eyes. I can admire that beautiful orange. It makes me feel warm and strong again and I welcome the feeling. I look around and I see Delly run towards me. She wraps her arms around me and her presence makes me think of home. It makes me think of enjoying the late afternoon with my brothers and her.

"I love you." I whisper it in her ear. "I don't say it as often as I should."

She pulls away to kiss me on my cheek. "I love you too and believe me I know how much you love me." She tells me as she pulls away.

"Where is she?" I ask wondering about Ivy.

"She's out there." She points to the dance floor. "I had no idea Gale cared at all about dancing." She tells me bemusingly. I roll my eyes.

"is he doing this to bother me?" I tell her wholeheartedly because it certainly feels that way. She laughs. Just then a slow song begins and I'll be damned if that asshole dances a slow dance with her. So I make my way towards them. He whispers something in her ear and they both laugh hysterically. Since when does this moody asshole have a sense of humor I think to myself. I see his hands wonder over to her waist and she smiles softly at him. I'm finally right next to them and I push Gale away from her, he didn't see me coming.

"Peeta." Ivy says sounding alarmed.

"Don't mind me cutting in." I tell her as I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her towards me.

Gale just smiles at me and walks away.

Ivy then glares at me. "He's not trying to do anything you know."

"Good." I tell her as I begin to dance and she complies. I take my other hand and place it on her waist so that I can hold her close. She reluctantly puts her hands on my shoulders but she caves because I can feel her body relax in my arms.

"He's a friend you know." She tells me sternly.

"Since when?" I go along with this banter because that's really what it is. I know she misses me, I can tell.

"Since I found you here. But in 12, he used to practically gift me his game because he would sell my dad the worst from his stock."

I'm surprised to hear this. "Oh." I is all I can say.

Then we're silent and we just dance to the lovely melody playing in the background and I revel in the feel of her.

"I'm so sorry Ivy." I whisper in her ear. "I will be better I promise. I can only have a future with you."

She squeezes me as I say this and we dance the night away. We spend the night talking to our friends, holding hands and glancing at each other. As steady as i look, i'm terrified that I can lose her. She comes back to our quarters where I desperately make love to her. After I don't allow myself to fall asleep because I cannot wake up calling out for Katniss, not today, not now when I feel like I could lose Ivy at any moment.


	43. Chapter 43

I am walking towards the War Room again, this is the second Classified Meeting Coin calls since she tried to kill me and I'm still tense at the anticipation of seeing her. I feel my body perspiring from the anticipation of looking at her, sometimes I wonder if she is a lethal as Snow. When I walk into the room, I'm the last one there and the only seat available is closer towards the head of the table. When I sit down I realize that Katniss is sitting across from me. I'm startled to see her because I haven't seen her since I saw her unconscious in the hospital. My eyes meet hers and I wonder if Finnick told her that I went to see her, if Gale told her about what I had to say to her. I offer her a nod and a half smile and she responds in kind. I then guide our eyes to the front of the table where Coin stands.

"Good afternoon everyone." And then she genuinely smiles. "We have the clear to finish this race. We will be taking the Capitol. Last and final mission." I feel the heavy silence hang in the air and I know that we all feel the same way. We anticipated this announcement and now that it's here it's unreal. I then feel a warm hand over mine and I look anticipating to see Johanna's hand but it's Katniss instead. My eyes meet hers again and I realize that I'm not breathing so I inhale deeply and clutch her hand in mine. I look back at Coin and I notice that she stares at our joint hands bitterly and her smile seems more menacing. This makes me clutch Katniss's hand tighter because I feel like I have to protect her, she squeezes back and when I look at her, her expression tells me that she's challenging Coin.

Coin then proceeds to give more news. "Both Boggs and Paylor will lead ground forces. I want my very best on the ground – as confident as I am I will not underestimate Snow. I wouldn't put it past him to set explosive devices on all his citizens."

I feel cold from the mere thought because she's absolutely right.

"What about us?" Katniss asks and I'm surprised to hear her voice. There's bitterness, hatred, and a clear desire for vengeance. At this point she pulls her hand away from mine. I watch her and Gale leans into her and places his hands on her shoulders as if reinforcing her sentiment because he too feels the same way. I have to look away from them and look at Coin because now I'm curious too.

"I am not pleased to say that my Victors are in no condition to fight... well except Finnick." She says.

"What!?" Johanna protests.

But Katniss drowns her out and surprises everyone in the room. She jumps to her feet. "We had a deal Coin! I've been doing my part and my last demand is that I kill Snow!"

Coin looks hatefully at her. "You should have thought about that before pumping all that morphling into your system Katniss – and that goes for you too Johanna. Not to mention that due to your injuries and addiction you haven't been to training in weeks!" Coin barks back at them.

Johanna can only sit there and shake because of her destroyed nerves. I grab her hand and squeeze it. "Jo please try to calm down." She doesn't look at me she just stares at Coin and I can feel the hatred.

"Finnick is the only one among all of you with a clean bill of health."

I notice that Katniss has not sat down and she's still staring at Coin and it's as if she hadn't just explained herself. "I kill Snow… those were my terms. It's the only reason why I'm still around and haven't taken off into the woods." She practically spits it at her.

Coin stares at her with disdain. A sinister smile spreads across her lips. "Fine Katniss." She taps her fingers on the table and studies her, looks her over as she makes up her mind. Her expression softens and she smiles again. "Tell you what, you begin your training again and if your Unit leader gives you the okay for combat you can go. You have one month to get it together Katniss.

Everyone sits around silent for a moment until I break the silence.

"What about me?" I ask her.

She actually laughs. "Peeta… Jon has not given you a clean bill of health and your brain chemistry is still off. You're not stable enough to go."

"It hasn't stopped you before." I say bitterly.

She sighs because by now after all these years she is absolutely sick of me and Katniss. "I realize that you too insisted to join the rebels provided I let you kill Snow but as you can see the list is long and distinguished." She laughs. "I told you, you would have to fight people for it." She says pointing at Katniss.

I smile cynically at her. "You would love that." I say bitterly. "Well Coin, it just so happens that I don't care to kill Snow anymore and I don't care to be there." But as I say this I realize that I do care deeply about Finnick and Katniss being there without me or Johanna. There's something tugging at me. While I wholeheartedly feel that Snow is no longer my fight letting them go in without us feels wrong. But then I think of Ivy and the future we want and there comes a point where one has to just walk away and I realize that this is my moment. So I stand up. "Since I will not be going in to fight, this is where we part ways Coin. I don't need to come to your damn meetings anymore. I'm done with you." I rip the communicator off my wrist and throw it at her. As I turn to walk away I see Johanna anxiously biting her nails off and she nods approvingly at me.

* * *

Katniss

As he walks out something leaves my being – the constant anguish that is on my shoulders. I realize that he's free. He's done. He's safe. Tears of joy jump to my eyes when the door closes behind him and a happy sigh leaves me. My tears begin to spill and I am overjoyed. I look at Haymitch and I offer him a dazzling smile. He closes his eyes and his body relaxes. He takes a few deep breaths and opens his eyes again. He offers me a genuine smile. He feels it too. He's safe. For some reason I feel that stupid debt inside of me resurface only now it feels repaid. Whatever bond was there seems to finally snap and he's no longer a part of me. That euphoric moment is short lived because I feel something else after a few breaths, the void of him. I feel panicked and I want to run out of here too, and I do. I run out.

I run though the underground maze that is 13, ride the elevators, and finally I step outside. When I do my second wind finds me because I run even faster. As I run I feel the stream of tears that are made up of a multitude of emotions – triumph, nostalgia, mourning, and longing. I run until I collapse in the middle of the woods somewhere. I don't even know what path I took and I begin to laugh because I hope that I am lost. I hope that I am so lost that I don't ever find my way back. I begin to laugh out loud and I cry from happiness, a feeling I seldom experience.

Then I hear his breathless voice behind me "Katniss."

I turn around and I see Gale. I smile because I didn't hear him coming, of course not. His hunter's feet would never give him away.

I feel something rise out of me and I let it out. I scream loud and I startle him. "Katniss…" He approaches me and I can tell that he thinks I may be having another nervous breakdown so I begin to laugh. He looks nervous and he cautiously approaches me and lays a hand on my shoulder. I surprise him when I jump up and throw my arms around his neck to pull him towards me. I have an overwhelming desire to kiss him. When I pull away he finally realizes that I am simply happy. He then smiles at me again and I begin to laugh. He then cradles my face in his hands and he lays his lips on mine again.

His kiss is exquisite and I respond earnestly. My tongue desperately lavishes his and I feel his moan in my mouth. I desperately move hands up his torso and I clasp his shirt in my hands and I desperately pull his shirt apart, exposing his chest. This makes him pull away, I can tell that he looks impressed. He hungrily stares into my eyes and he begins to unbutton my shirt. He drops to his knees and tugs at the buttons on my pants to undo them. He tugs at the back of my knees which makes me crash into his body where his mouth welcomes my bare breast. The feeling of his lips and hot breath excites me instantly. I finish pulling my shirt off and pull his off. I don't know how but he expertly pulls my pants off in one swift move. I lean down to kiss his neck and I realize that he broke into a sweat by running after me and I welcome it because the taste of his salty sweat is only adding to my excitement. I pull away enough for him to undress himself and I can't contain myself when I see his arousal. I run my hand down his torso appreciating his taut muscles. He stays on his knees and he pulls me towards him again only he bends my knees and then wraps my legs around his waist. He effortlessly cradles my waist between his hands and I throw my hands around his neck. I stretch out my elbows because I know exactly what he's going to do next and I anxiously wait for the feel of him. I stare into his eyes, silently begging him… He proceeds to guide my torso towards him as I hang on him. He slowly and deliciously sinks me into him. I can feel every inch of him enter into me and it feels amazing. I throw my head back and let out a satisfying moan that is accompanied by his. The way my torso leans back with my legs wrapped around him and my hands around him has turned my body into swing that he sways back and forth. The sensation of him, the sound created by my increasing arousal, the wetness that pools between us is exquisite. I appreciate everything about him this moment – his desire for me, his devotion to me, his longing and lust for me, his strength is all welcomed and it adds to my arousal. When he effortlessly pulls me towards him so that he can run his lips across my nipple takes me to the edge. The way he can stretch his skillful hand so that his thumb can roll my clitoris is unraveling. It isn't long before I come undone and for the first time I don't hold back. I gladly scream out my pleasure. He continues to sway my body slowly, slower, and slower until I settle down. I can feel my insides pulsating and my thighs tremble as they try to grip his body. He then lays us both down on the grass as he turns on his back and rolls me on top of him. I look at his face and into his eyes and he's happy, so happy. I smile at him and kiss him desperately. I reach down with my hand and find his arousal burning rock hard between us and I sink it into me again. I thrust into him, slow, hard, fast, and desperately until I come undone again. And then as if he couldn't possibly feel bigger or harder he does, and then I feel him shudder inside of me. His face is blissful and full of pleasure. His moan is beautiful and I sink myself hard into him. I lean down and find his lips with mine. I then collapse on him and roll myself off him. I actually feel aroused all over again when I feel his orgasm dripping out of me. I turn to my side away from him and enjoy the feel of the grass against my bare skin. He holds me from behind and he sinks his head into my neck.

"What got into you?" He asks laughing.

I giddily turn to look at him and I can't contain my smile. "Happiness because I'm almost free of all of this…" He smiles and leans down to kiss me. The kiss is sweet for a change. It's passionate, tender, and he slowly devours me with his mouth. He kisses me until our bodies are burning up again.

* * *

Finnick and Johanna

For the rest of the meeting after Peeta walked out Johanna's whole being trembles. She just nervously stares at Finnick as he sadly stares back at her. She knows that nothing coming out of Coin's mouth matters anymore. All he knows is that it will finally be over and he will see Snow's demise. All Johanna can focus on is the fact that Finnick will once more march to the Capitol for another blood bath and she won't be there to fight by his side, to protect him. She can't shake the fear that rises inside of her that something may go terribly wrong, after all he's going back to hell on Earth. She just stares impatiently at him from across the table and he doesn't take his eyes off her. The moment she notices the others stand up and gather their things to leave she jumps to her feet and quickly dashes out to the confinements of her room.

When she walks in she realizes that Katniss is not here. Just then she feels her heart tremble because sobs begin to escape her. She can't get the idea of Finnick alone in the Capitol and of course she associates the Capitol with her captivity and her torture. She wants these things as far away from Finnick as possible. She then hears a knock on the door and she hopes that it's Peeta so that she can hold him, better yet, he can hold her until the incessant shaking stops.

She goes to the door and she notices her violently shaking hand and she's terrified that she may be having a nervous breakdown. She's unprepared to see Finnick on the other side of the door. Her hands cover her mouth because she feels like she wants to scream but she doesn't have the strength. Then she's terrified because being around him right now, in her condition makes her incredibly vulnerable.

He walks in and steadily stares at her. He has never seen her so emotionally fragile. The look in her eyes tells him that she wants him to leave because she can't be around him like this but he needs her and she needs him. She can barely hold herself together. He gently closes the door behind him and he stares intently at her. He then looks away in hopes of calming her, he casually looks around the room in search of Katniss but he can tell that she's not here. Without a doubt she went to find strength or refuge in the forest above ground. He smiles to himself and then he looks at Johanna again and finally takes a step towards her.

She instantly takes a step back and nods nervously.

"Johanna." He gently calls to her.

She feels tears jump to her eyes and she wants to run to him. To hold him and beg him to run away, to sit out for this last battle he has already given this Revolution everything. They don't need him for this last fight. "Don't go." She manages to whimper the words.

His eyes tear up and he whispers back. "I have to…" She nods no desperately disagreeing with him. "I do… I'm not like Peeta, I can't let go of what he did to me." And his beautiful playful eyes turn cold and bitter. "I have to see him die to quench this hatred inside of me. I know you feel it too – if you weren't forbidden from going you would be there, you want to be there, to torture him too."

Johanna stares sadly at him because he's right, they are forever tied to death, murder, and vengeance. "I can't be there to protect you." She tells him sadly. "And everyone is too happy singing victory but we know him Finnick, it's going to be brutal. You won't be safe." She cries.

Finnick stretches his arm out and gently presses his hand against her cheek. When he does her whole body exhales and Johanna loses all reason. She steps towards him and he sees the look in her eyes and welcomes the sentiment behind their dark expression. He sweeps her off her feet, wrapping her legs around him and happily presses his lips to hers. He wants to drown in their kiss. Her body is burning hot and he wants nothing more than to warm himself in her small arms. In her bed, they strip each other bare and earnestly love each other because they held back for so long. She welcomes him wholeheartedly, it feels as if she hadn't eaten the entire time she was in 13. The feel of him stretching her actually aches and it's a beautiful feeling. Their lovemaking starts erratic but then they find a beautiful tempo and it makes her come repeatedly. She welcomes the violent contractions that spread from her center throughout her body. This trembling is familiar to her, unlike her nervous physical shattering this one is soothing and healing. When he comes undone, his orgasm is so strong that the contractions of his arousal inside of her sends her over the edge again.

After he holds her in his arms and she welcomes everything about the moment. The smell of them hangs in the air, they are covered in each other's sweat, the blankets are dripping wet from their pleasure and he talks to her about a future. Neither mentions Annie and this makes Johanna wonder if it's a fantasy but there is ring of truth to it and she doesn't want to change their tone.

"I want us to go back to 7." He says smiling.

This shocks her. "Why not 4?"

"Not after the battles there – the way the were killing each other… I can't go back. To see my people kill each other like that. There's something wrong with us, it took us longer to bring down 4 than it did 1 and 2. What is wrong with those people?" He says sadly and Johanna looks up to see a tortured expression on his face. She turns around and kisses him.

"Then 7 it is. It's a sea of majestic trees instead, plus if you miss the ocean, it's there too…" She says happily.

"And you're there. It's your home you belong there and so I belong there too."

This statement astounds her and she holds on to his arms around her extra tight.

For the next month, every day after training, Finnick arrives in her quarters where he and Johanna make love to each other because they have found the hope that they so badly needed. A day before Finnick is about to depart as he leaves Johanna's bedroom, they find Gale and Katniss sitting talking. They stop when they see each other and they smile at each other.

Finnick doesn't really know what to do. Technically, he is having an affair with Johanna but for him he's finally carrying out a relationship that has been on hold too long. He doesn't know if he should acknowledge it and he looks at Johanna who looks like she could care less. He then looks at Katniss who stares awkwardly at him and he laughs a little because if anyone would understand his situation it would be Katniss. It's not easy to love two people. So he brushes away the awkwardness in his mind, turns around and carelessly kisses Johanna good-bye. "I love you." He says it aloud into her lips and she laughs. "I probably won't see until departure tomorrow." He says sadly and Johanna closes her eyes because she can't stand the thought. He kisses her again.

"Go." She tells him because he should get back to Annie. He walks away and winks at her.

"See you around guys." He tells Gale and Katniss and they wave at him.

After Finnick leaves Johanna sits on a chair and smiles at her roommate and her guest. "How is training going?" She asks them.

"Fine" Gale tells her flatly.

"Details." She shoots back demanding more.

"We're preparing for a lot of possibilities Johanna." He tells her.

Then Katniss interjects. "Johanna, we're looking at an arena."

Johanna feels her blood grow cold

"Snow has set up pods throughout the Capitol that can detonate any horror imaginable… we were there Johanna. You know how it goes." She takes a deep breath. After Boggs explained it – Finnick laughed to break the long silence in the room. Then he announced – 'ladies and gentlemen welcome to the 76th Hunger Games." Katniss says bitterly.

Johanna looks away from Katniss and Gale and shuts her eyes tightly. She feels cold all over again and her body begins to tremble. She stands up and goes for the door because she wants to catch up to Finnick and beg him not to go that they run away right now. But when she reaches the door she feels a cloud of darkness comes over her and everything begins to spin, her mouth is so dry. She turns around to look at Katniss but she's hazy and then darkness succumbs her.

When she comes to, she finds herself in a hospital bed again. She looks around her and she finds Finnick and Annie staring at her. Annie smiles at her and rushes to her to hug her and kiss her over and over again. All Johanna can do is hug her back and look over her shoulder at Finnick, as he looks on.

"See Annie, she's fine. But maybe you should lay off a little." He says gently. "She needs rest, you heard what Jon said."

"No." Annie responds like a petulant child and Johanna smiles at her.

"I'm fine Annie. I am – you know me I'm in and out of hospitals." She says carelessly as if it were the biggest inconvenience. Then she laughs. "I don't even know what did me in this time."

Annie laughs at this comment. "You're right – you never know what it is with you." She says sweetly. But then her eyes change. "If you overdosed on morphling or you're simply psychotic" Annie begins to exclaim aggressively. "You're a fucking mess."

"Annie." Finnick approaches her and reaches her in time because she's about to go for Johanna's neck. He manages to swiftly lift her off the bed in time. Johanna looks away from her and closes her eyes. This interaction has left her feeling unsettled so much so that she feels sick to her stomach. Just then Peeta walks in and she exhales. "Thank goodness" she exclaims as she sees her friend walk in.

Peeta stands at the door and looks out into the hallway, no doubt observing the scene Annie is creating since Johanna can hear her scream every obscenity at her. Just when she thought the sickness had passed she throws up, thankfully she had time to shift her body so that in ends up on the floor and not all over her on the bed. She hears Peeta laugh and ask for a cleanup. She looks up and sees him pour a glass of water that she gratefully takes from him ad drinks it up. The taste of vomit in her mouth is nauseating and it makes her feel like it's going to make her throw up all over again.

"You all right?" Peeta asks as he reaches out to move her hair out of her face. Then he catches her hand and kisses it and proceeds to sit next to her. "I heard you passed out." He smiles at her trying to sound cheerful.

"Is that what happened. I had no idea. I just remember Katniss telling me about the entrapment that is the Capitol and I just wanted to get Finnick to fucking leave this place… And don't you dare judge me." She glares at Peeta who throws his hands in the air to show that he's not going to argue.

* * *

Peeta

"I'm so sorry Jo – I know you want to be there. And I'm sorry if you don't want to hear it but I'm glad you're here. You've been through enough and it's over…" I say.

Johanna looks furious and she begins to cry uncontrollably which shocks him. "It's not over – Finnick is going and I can't protect him." She manages to spit out the words between sobs and I feel pined by her fears so I hold her in my arms.

"I guess you can't be there either."

"What?" She asks.

"He's departing in an hour." I says bitterly.

The realization that she lost hours in the hospital hits her and it brings on a new wave of tears. Just then Finnick runs back in the room. I look at him and stand up to move out of their way. I'm about to say he'll give them privacy but Finnick runs to Johanna and kisses her desperately. I'm taken aback by the scene so I try to rush out the door and from the door I hear them declare all of their promises to each other between tears and sobs and kisses. They promise that they will be together once it's all over, that they will live in 7 together, and that this past month has been their salvation. More than anything, they repeat how much they love each other over and over again. My heart breaks for them, this is going to be hell for Johanna. I finally step into the hallway and as I do I bump into Katniss. My stomach sinks at the sight of her. She too is about to leave and this is one arena where I won't be there to help her. It feels completely wrong but I have to let go. It has to end sometime

"hi." I say to her.

"Hey." She whispers back. "I'm here to get Finnick – we have to get going. Plus I wanted to see Johanna too – she scared me yesterday."

"Yeah, Ivy told me she came in unconscious yesterday. What happened? Were you there?" I ask.

"Yeah. She stood up and she just passed out. Gale and I couldn't really get her back. She'd open her eyes a little – only to hurl insults Gale's way…" and we both crack a smile at this. "Anyway she would not really come back to, so we brought her in. Last night the doctors said that her glucose levels were really low and she seems to be anemic but they were going to do more tests." She looks nervously at me now. "How are they doing in there?" She asks.

I just nod. I look back in the direction of the room and I think about what is going on. I feel completely dejected and how unfair this is. I pull at my hair nervously. "Oh – you know - just two lovers saying their farewells hoping with everything they have that they come out on the other side intact." And I have to take a deep breath and it hurts as I exhale it. She startles me by taking my hand. When I look at her I immediately think of the Quell, as I stayed back by that tree and she walked away with Johanna. How she kissed me farewell. Without thinking I say it aloud. "I'll see you at midnight." And I begin to cry.

She looks panicked clearly feeling the significance of my comment and this moment. "That's not going to happen to them. Never again – I won't allow it." She says. "Finnick has done so much for me, held me up when I literally couldn't, literally dragged me out of holes. He will get to come back. I will make sure of it" She squeezes my hand tighter. I nod truly believing her

Finnick is already at the door with tears running down his face as he struggles to tear himself from this room and Johanna. "I'll see you.. okay." And Johanna just cries silently and nods at him. He finally rushes out of the room.

Katniss then approaches Johanna's room slowly. For good reason Johanna is hurting and I never know how she will react to any human interaction under these circumstances. Katniss just stands there and looks around the room and Johanna looks annoyed at her. They're awkward and it's making me feel bad for Katniss because clearly she came here to say her farewells and to wish her well. I realize that there is no love lost between them, how many times did they promise to murder each other fully meaning it. So this scenario is a little pathetic. Katniss is, as always speechless, and Johanna looks like she's too eager to hurl insults and likely threaten her should something happen to Finnick.

Katniss finally breaks the awkward moment. "I brought you something."

Johanna looks curious and raises an eyebrow.

Katniss pulls out a handkerchief and hands it to Johanna. Johanna suspiciously opens it and her stern face falls. She just stares at its content. I'm curious enough so I approach them to see what's in there but Katniss speaks up when Johanna stays silent for an uncomfortable amount of time.

"They're needles from the Redwoods in 7. I was having a hard time last time I was there and I liked the fresh smell so I picked some and…" Johanna interrupts her with an embrace. I'm shocked and so is Katniss. Johanna begins to cry again.

"Katniss you have to be okay. You have to be strong and you absolutely need to survive this." She pulls back and cradles her face in her hands. "You have to – they've done too much to you, they've taken too much from you, and they've used you too much. You have to win this. Not that you have to worry but… "

Katniss cries softly and she clutches Johanna's hands and she nods. "Thank you." She manages to say and she stands up and turns around to leave. I feel nervous because I feel like she's leaving my life permanently. We'll win, I truly believe it, but I also feel like she about to enter the Hunger Games all over again, without me and it's too much to bear. She's about to walk out of the room but I move quickly and I block her way and I grab her hand and squeeze it tight and pull her towards me. She looks at me, and I feel like I want to get lost in her beautiful gray eyes.

"Promise – that you will be careful. No matter what happens – just stay alive." I tear up again and I feel a choking sob in my throat. It's so strong that it blocks my voice and all I can do is mouth the words. "You have to…"

There are tears in her eyes and she wipes them with her other hand. She nods and offers me a brave smile. And I finally tear my hands off of hers. She then proceeds to walk around me and walk out.

I go to Johanna and I sit next to her and I hold her as she sobs in my arms and I cry silently. I'm terrified. We stay like this for a long time, in total silence, until we look at the clock and know that they have left 13. Johanna proceeds to shake like a leaf.

I'm about to leave but Jon runs into the room. He looks startled and clearly he has news. He's holding on to some paperwork.

"Hi" He tells me then he looks at Johanna. "How are you feeling?" He asks her.

"Like shit, like shit…"

He nods. "Obviously - for good reason." He says referring to Finnick's departure. "But what about you – physically, how are you feeling?" He asks intently.

"Hum – sick I guess. But I'm really stressed and my nerves are shot. I fainted yesterday and I threw up a while ago."

Jon interrupts her. "Johanna I just got your lab results." He pauses and Johanna looks curiously at him and I'm starting to feel nervous – he usually gets to the point. "Johanna you're pregnant."

Johanna's hands cover her face for a long time and she begins to laugh and then I realize that I'm not breathing.

"What?" I say aloud. Jon just looks at me curiously and I realize that he may wonder if I'm the father. "No." I exclaim. "It's not mine if that's what you're thinking." I shoot at him.

Johanna stops laughing long enough to answer Jon. "No Doc, it's Finnick's baby." I have to turn to look at her because I actually hear happiness in her voice.

I look at Jon and I can tell he's shocked to see her like this. "Johanna I'm going to have to examine you and we're going to check on the baby to see how far along you are…" He stops talking and looks at her because she's not paying attention anymore. I'm going to get what I need to get started he says with a genuine smile on his face. I guess he had no way of knowing how this would go over.

I go to sit on bed and I take Johanna's hands in mine. I observe her because I never thought of Johanna as a mother and I'm shocked that the idea is making her happy.

She looks at me with the biggest smile I've ever seen on her face. "Peeta – Finnick and I are going to have a baby." She smiles at me. "He's coming back and everything is going to be okay." She breathes deeply and she believes it so much so that I believe it too. I smile and nod at her and I hug her.

"Congratulations Jo." I laugh. "These are wonderful news. Then it hits me, the thought of Annie makes my happiness falter. "Johanna what are we going to tell Annie?"

She pulls away and looks seriously at me. "It's not my problem anymore. I love her, I do, but I love Finnick more. I'm done." She nods reassuring herself as she looks around the room.

I shake my head and I hug her again. "I'm… I shouldn't have brought her up – don't worry about it, you're right it's not your problem. I'll be more than happy to look after her while Finnick is gone." I say this tentatively because if they are together what happens to Annie but right now I want to keep Johanna in this euphoric state.

"Oh!" she screams and pulls away looking alarmed. "Please don't tell Finnick. I want to tell him myself when he gets back." She tells me smiling.

I laugh. "But you can tell him when you talk." I say logically.

"No I don't want him to know, he'll have these news waiting for him… for when he gets back." She tells me nostalgically.

I realize that it's not about the surprise element, it's about Johanna needing to believe that he will come back. Normally she wouldn't doubt it but this scares her, because now she has a lot to lose if he doesn't. I get a terrible premonition but I push it out of my mind and I embrace her.

"No one is going to tell him. I promise." I tell her and I kiss her cheek.

I pull away and just then there's a knock on the door. I turn around and I see Ivy and Silas at the door. I jump to my feet when I see them, more so because of Silas. By the look on his face he knows and he must be devastated. There isn't a trace of good humor in him right now and I truly believe that he would prefer to be on that hover craft heading to the Capitol then here in 13. I was thrilled when I found out that my unit of soldiers was not called to duty in the Capitol. All of my loved ones are safe and I'm among them. But then I think of Katniss and I feel a pang in my chest. I look at Ivy who is smiling at Johanna and talking to her about prenatal care. I look at Silas who is standing in medical garments, somehow it makes him look more vulnerable. I walk towards him and press my hand on his shoulder. He closes his eyes and offers me a tight smile, signaling that he's going to put on his brave smile. He takes a deep breath and walks around me. When I turn around I can see Ivy is talking to Johanna but Johanna looks out of the corner of her eyes to observe Silas, who stands idle.

Ivy finally acknowledges Silas. "Silas here is making up for lost time now that his soldier days are behind him. He is doing rounds and he has to dedicate some time to this, gynecology, and pre and post-natal care.

"are you going to examine me?" Johanna asks in their usual playful tone.

Thankfully Silas smirks. "No darling, I'm just going to observe and let Ivy have all the fun." This makes Johanna laugh and I look at Silas. I'm surprised by his expression. I've never seen it on him, it's one of total devotion, care, and sweetness.

I step outside and decide I'm going to wait for Ivy and Silas to finish their round so that we can head back together. When I step outside I'm surprised to find Haymitch sitting on the chair, he looks like he needs a drink badly.

"Hey." I say to him and I surprise him when I go to sit next to him

"Hey." He says with a smile. "I came to check on her. Is she okay?" He asks.

I smile and nod. "Yes she's fine. She's genuinely happy and it's awesome." I say it cheerfully. I look at him and I see that he looks surprised and he too genuinely smile. Who knew the news of a baby would be so welcoming under these circumstances. I laugh.

"What's going on?" He looks curiously at me, but he still has that smile on his face and I realize that it's because I must be beaming.

"She won't mind if I tell you." I stop to really think about this. "Johanna and Finnick are going to have a baby." I tell him smiling.

His eyes grow wide and he lets out a strange sound. He looks around but I can see the news do him well because he genuinely smiles. "Wow – that will give him something to come back to." He says and I look at him thinking about Johanna's sentiment.

"Yeah – make sure you don't tell him when you communicate with him." I tell him. "She wants it to be a surprise." I say smiling. Then I sigh and think of the turn of events. "I was devastated two hours ago, heartbroken over those two being pulled apart by this war, and then the news came and there's hope. I mean – what more could give us hope. That's a love child Haymitch, and that baby will be born into a new world and its parents did so much to change it." I say feeling choked up. I take a deep breath as the wonderful feeling spreads through me. I look over at him and my smiles leaves me when I see the expression on his face he looks sadly at me, pitifully really, as if he knew something I didn't. I hate the feeling, especially when it comes from him. I look away and he must realize what I'm feeling because he changes the subject.

"Uh oh – what are we going to tell Annie?" He asks.

"Look – if she grasps that Johanna is pregnant or outright asks about it, just tell her the baby is mine… It's the best thing I can do for all of them. She'll want to believe it anyway." I say sadly.

"Okay." He sighs. "Love triangles in the middle of war are a real inconvenience" he mutters cynically.

I chuckle. "Yeah – at least I'm not involved this time. Mine are disastrous." I say and we share a good laugh. It's strange to sit next to him like this, sharing a old familiar banter. Then I change the subject. "Ivy is examining her and Silas is accompanying them."

He laughs. "Who knew that little smart ass would be smart enough to be a doctor." He says wryly as he takes a sip of his water. I laugh aloud in response. Just then Ivy and Silas step out and we both rise.

"Can I see her?" Haymitch asks.

"Yes." Ivy smiles at him, which surprises me Ivy hates him. I guess she really does love babies.

Haymitch walks past them and walks into the room. "Hey sunshine, you're glowing…" We then hear Johanna laugh loudly.

We smile and stare at each other. "It's surreal she was heartbroken this morning…" I say.

"She's deliriously happy now." Ivy announces cheerfully. I can't contain myself I hug her and kiss her. When I pull away I see Silas's sullen face.

"I'm sorry man…" I say.

"Don't be. I've never seen her like that." He musters a brave smile.

"Silas, if you want you can excuse yourself from this assignment and switch with someone else…" Ivy offers.

"No way." He says looking offended. "Ivy, I want to be a doctor and I have to put my feelings aside to do a job. More importantly, because I love her it's more important than ever that I'm here for her. She's happy but she's scared too… While you were doing the ultrasound she almost broke my hand she was squeezing it so hard." He takes a deep breath. "I get that you guys are worried about me, really I do appreciate it, but it's fine. I need to be there for her, the only way I can. I know she loves Finnick and that they will be together when he gets back, but she needs me now and I'm happy for her."

We just nod and smile at him. He nods and then proceeds to walk away. I realize that he wants to be alone.

"Do you think he's kidding himself?" Ivy asks sadly. I'm surprised to hear her say that.

"No I don't. I think Johanna cares about him, not in the way he'd like, but they share a bond. I've seen her turn to him when she would normally shut everyone out. He will be a comfort to her." I say honestly. I stare after him and I feel sad for him because I realize that for the first time he admitted that he's in love with her.

Ivy then wraps her arms around my waist and kisses my cheek. "Ready to go home?" She asks. I look at her and nod.

When we get home and in the comfort of our bed I happily wrap my arms around Ivy, close my eyes, and bask in the feeling of happiness I have running through me. But it is short lived because I am woken up by a shrill scream. At first I think it's me and that it's due to another night terror but then I realize that it's not and that I'm strapped down to a metal board staring at a bright light above me. The adrenaline runs through me instantly and I try to break free.

"Peeta!" I hear the scream come closer and my blood grows cold because it's Ivy.

"Ivy!" I turn my head and look for her desperately. "What is going on!?" I scream and I try to rip the restraints. I quickly begin to feel like a rabid animal, I need to get to Ivy, that's all that matters. I see a door open and a man walks in as he drags Ivy into the room as she tries to break free. "Ivy!" I begin to feel the monster brew inside of me again and I welcome it because I know nothing can stop that part of me. Just like that I manage to rip one of the restrains, at this point two soldiers run in and restrain me before I can free myself.

"Peeta!" I continue to hear Ivy screaming. "Please don't hurt him!" Ivy pleas.

I then feel an injection right into my neck. I feel paralyzed and as I fall limp, I see Jon passed out on the floor bleeding. "What's happening?" I say feeling drugged and then I see her. Coin walks in, and I want to kill her with my bare hands but I can't move. All I can do is lay there and look at her.

"Peeta." She says calmly. "I can't have you staying behind." She nods. "It's unacceptable really. You've recovered beyond anyone's expectations. And yes your lab results show that you're still unstable…" She sighs to express her annoyance. "yet I say you're clearly not unstable enough… because you should want to tear Katniss's head off, not wish her well. So – I am going to send you off to the Capitol in a special craft with special last minute reinforcements." She says pointing at the handful of soldiers around her. Then she takes out another syringe. "But, not before this doze. It's trackerjacker poison. You're familiar with it." She says ad all I can do is close my eyes because this can't be happening again. "It's a nice strong doze, I'm sure it will set you off. And no you will not have your medication with you on this mission. You can tell Boggs I said so myself."

Ivy begins to sob aloud and my eyes look for her. She has finally given up on resisting, she has fallen to her knees as her head hangs, and now sobbing. "Please don't." She whimpers pitifully but it's useless.

Coin looks back at Ivy then me. "Don't worry about her Peeta. I'll make sure she's okay and well taken care of." She says clearly hanging her life over my head.

She is just like Snow, I know that now. I finally begin to feel my voice work again. "Please don't hurt her..." I manage to verbalize my wish because this is not Ivy's fight, it's mine and Katniss's fight and I never wanted to drag Ivy into it. Then I feel the stab of a needle into my neck and a stream of nightmares follow almost instantly. But in the middle of the stream of nightmares and hallucinations I hear my voice, reminding me that I love Ivy, that I want a future with her, that Johanna is pregnant, that there is hope, and that come what may I will not kill Katniss.


	44. Chapter 44

When I finally regain my senses, I'm on a craft heading towards the Capitol. I'm strapped into my seat and there is a terrible smell penetrating my nose, my brain, my whole being. I realize that I vomited on myself. It's on my face and my shirt. The smell is revolting and it makes me throw up again only this time I have enough sense in me to lean forward. After I'm done I lean back and try to assess myself. I feel drunk and high. I don't feel well coordinated and my mind is racing with anxiety. I try to focus my escaping mind and I at least remember the turn of events. Coin entrapped me, she has Ivy, and she's flying me off to the Capitol with the intent to kill Katniss no doubt. I reach up and touch the sore spot on my neck, where she personally injected me with trackerjacker venom. I then begin to laugh and seriously consider giving up on everything. I see a few soldiers stand up and prepare their weapons, one of them walks towards me and places a gun in my gear. Then it hits me, I have gear including a weapon. I begin to laugh menacingly at the thought again, I can take myself out. The young soldier organizing my gear looks wearily at me and distances himself from me.

"You're all actually going to let me have a gun in my state of mind?" I ask laughing and they look nervously at me.

One soldier approaches me and I notice that he has a towel in his hands. He holds it up tentatively. "Let me clean you up."

"Fuck you. I just want you all to know that you must have orders to release me once we land in the Capitol." I stop to formulate my thoughts since everything is hazy to figure out what it is I'm trying to say. I end up laughing. "I will be armed and dangerous and I will take anyone one of you that helped Coin. I swear it." I practically growl at them and they look horrified.

The young soldier with the towel proceeds to step towards me, which surprises me. Against my will he wipes my face and manages to pull my dirty shirt off me. Once the shirt is hanging on the chains I'm tied to, he cuts it with scissors. He then looks at me sympathetically. "None of us should be here Peeta. We're not of age, we've all been hijacked I guess. Do you feel well enough for me to take these shackles off?" I'm shocked and I stare at his face, he's young very young. Can't even be 15 years old.

"Are you insane!" another solider shouts out and I look at him, he too is young. I look at the young boy in front of me, he's right, he's just a boy. I look at the rest of the people in the craft and they are all children, the oldest among them can't be more than 17. They are defenseless against the Capitol and a maniac. I hear a buzz grow loud in my ears and shut my eyes to subdue it. I work through the thickening fog to find myself. I breathe and I try hard to concentrate. When I open my eyes I see the boy standing in front of me. He's tall, slim, and wide eyed but brave. I can tell. I look around and they look cautiously at me not knowing what to expect.

I look at the boy in front of me. "What's your name?" I ask and make an effort to sound calm.

"My name is Alex."

"How old are you?" I ask.

"I'm 16." He says sadly but then he musters a brave smile. His confirmation takes my breath away. "You know my whole life Coin used to tell everyone how lucky we were that District 13's children didn't have to get reaped into the Hunger Games, and yet here we are, she's tossing us in, and Snow didn't request it."

I quickly look at him. "That's not going to happen." I assure him. "This is not the Hunger Games."

"Isn't it?" He asks and I think about it. I close my eyes, once again feeling defeated.

"You're right it certainly feels that way. I was your age when I was reaped, but you are not alone." I try to focus to find the right words to comfort these children. "For starters, there is no way the lieutenants there will allow any of you to enter the battles. If you have to wait it out in a base that will be it. I mean it's not safe like 13 - but you will not be fighting. I won't allow it." I stop to assess what I've said and if I was coherent enough. "Then there is the fact that you are not alone. That makes all the difference. You are not alone in a fight to the death against everyone. You have a whole army that will fight for you. Being alone in an arena is brutal…" with that thought, my mind starts to shift nervously.

"You weren't alone were you – you had Katniss. That's why you won." A young girl tells me sweetly. I look at her and think about what she's telling me.

"That's why we won, yes. We were a team." I confirm to her but more to myself, the though makes me feel like I have a handle on my mind and thoughts.

Then she looks like she's swooning. "I can't believe there was romance in the middle of that nightmare." She says dreamily with a naïve smile on her face.

My smile fades at the thought of her comment but before I can say anything else another young boy quickly responds to her. "Don't be stupid it was an act, a damn smart plan for the two of them to survive." He practically shouts at her.

I stare at him and think hard about what he's saying. It doesn't seem right. I try to concentrate to think about what he said and I think about Katniss. Her images start to drown my mind, her running to my arms, me running to her arms, risking our lives for each other, us earnestly jumping into beds together to find the safety that only we could offer each other, our kisses, the fake ones but then the ones that began to feel real. More importantly, I remember us falling in love. To my surprise, this realization makes me smile. I look back at the boy. "You're wrong. It wasn't an act." I tell him and the girls perks up immediately.

The boy offers me a mistrusting look. "Oh please, everyone in 13 knows about you and that hot red head doctor. Rumor has it she was your sweetheart since 12. And everybody knows about the Mockingjay's flings on her missions." He shoots back.

I can't help but laugh at his persistence, he's a skeptic and a cynic, and I guess he's not wrong either. I stop laughing when I remember that Coin just sent him off to his death. I take a deep breath and I smile at him. "The redhead's name is Ivy, by the way and yes she has been my sweetheart since District 12, since we were about 15 years old actually. And I can't speak for Katniss's escapades" I say laughing at the thought of what a prude she was when I met her. Then I smile and wonder if they would understand the complications of love and life. Sure I was their age when I was in the middle of an existential crisis but District 13 children are still innocent, yes there's sacrifice, but they all had the amazing opportunity to live for a healthy fulfilling future where they weren't slaves to Snow. "The heart wants what the heart wants. I was devoted to Ivy but I couldn't help what I felt for Katniss. I was helplessly in love with her. Then the Games threw us together and I knew what I had to do. Looking back I don't know that I was right to act the way I did. I know I wasn't, actually." I stop to think about this hurtful and naïve self-sacrifice attitude I had. "It was very complicated. Bottom line is we were in love with each other. But that feels like a lifetime ago. We have to keep moving forward." I make an effort to sound hopeful to make them believe that they will get back home.

"I think you two will end up together." The young girl announces cheerfully.

I laugh. "I think that's already been decided." I tell her pointedly. "It always was actually, me and Ivy, and Katniss with Gale." I smile at her not thinking too much about what I just said. Then I feel Alex grab my hands and I look at him feeling startled. I pull my hands back and he jumps a little. "What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm unshackling you." He says to me.

"Don't. I'm fine now but I don't know that I can stay this way. Coin drugged me with a detonator of sorts." I say thinking that it's the best way to describe it. "Alex, when we arrive, you and you alone will step out. If Lieutenant Boggs is not there you demand to speak to him, whoever it is, tell them that you cannot unload the plane until Boggs is there. Once Boggs is in front of you and only then you will explain everything that happened. Let him know that I'm inside, unstable, drugged and without any medication." Then I stop to catch my breath because I begin to feel lost again and the buzzing is returning. "You tell him that Coin means to kill me but not before I kill Katniss, and we can't let that happen."

Alex stares wide eyed at me and nods. "Okay, I will. What should we do if you lose it again?"

I look at him and he's so scared. "Just keep clear, don't come near me." I kick my gear bag towards him. "Did they at least teach you how to shoot a gun?" I ask and thankfully he nods yes. "I know you don't want to and hopefully you won't have to, but if for whatever reason I break these chains, you need to be ready. You shoot to kill." I say to him and he looks horrified. "I promise, it will be an act of mercy on your part and I will be thankful." I say wholeheartedly. I close my eyes as darkness clouds my whole being again.

* * *

I am brought to my senses by the sound of the intercom on the airplane. I manage to grasp the announcement, that we are about to land. I then feel a pull in my arms and I realize that I am completely off my seat, I'm on my knees on the ground, and my arms are hanging in the air as the handcuffs hold me up by my wrists. My whole body is limp yet soar. I look at the children around me and they look exhausted, scared, and frustrated. I look at the boy who expressed his cynicism earlier and he's the only one that looks annoyed. I laugh and he crooks an eyebrow, wondering what the hell is so funny I'm sure.

"I like you kid." I manage to say hoarsely and breathlessly.

He raises his eyebrows. "I'm can't believe you have a voice after all that screaming." He says and I nod in agreement.

I then stop to assess my body, did I injure myself? I take a deep breath and I test my legs by standing up. I'm okay just sore. Then Alex speaks up.

"You must be sore. You were trying desperately to break free. You did manage to break the shackles that were restricting your wrists to your torso and to your ankles." He says. I look down and see that he's right, the now broken chains are hanging around my waist. Alex then approaches me and gently nudges me to sit down. I oblige.

"That explains." I look at Alex and I think hard and I realize how much I can focus. Whatever is happening to me it's not like it was with Snow in the Capitol, where I was nothing but manic. Clearly I become manic but I come back to myself. I sigh with relief. I look at Alex and I am happy that I remember everything I told him. "Alex, remember when we land you step out, nobody else exits…" I say looking around at the young faces in the place. They nod. "Alex you tell Boggs everything that happened. He'll take care of all of you." I say.

As we land I feel exhausted. I don't know why but I'm soaking wet. I look up at Alex. "Did you throw water at me?" I ask.

"No."

"Why am I wet?"

"You've been sweating. You have a high fever."

I rest my head back and sigh. I finally feel the craft land. Just as I ordered Alex steps out alone. I peek through a window and I thankfully see Boggs. The look on his face is unforgiving when he sees the young boy. He begins to shout obscenities. In the distance I can see rebel soldiers pay attention and they look on in Boggs's direction. He looks into the plane and his face falls. He then runs inside.

Once he enters he stares at me as if I were the biggest inconvenience, and I am, I know it. He then looks around at the young faces. "Everyone please leave your bags behind and step outside. You are not going to be in any danger."

The same young boy once again speaks up. Only this time he finally lets his fear and anger show. "Yes we are! We're in the Capitol!"

Boggs jumps a little. He's not used to being yelled at he usually just commands attention. "Just get out of the craft. I'm going to move you to safety as soon as I can." He tells him gently.

The boy gets up and when he gets to the door he looks at me. "You can't let Coin or Snow get away with this. Just – stay alive." He tells me and I can't help the tears that come to my eyes. It's official, this is The Hunger Games. I look away and I try to control my breathing and I just nod. The boy finally walks out.

"You okay?" Boggs asks.

"Yeah – famous last words." I practically whimper between breaths thinking about the boy and Haymitch's last words to me before entering the arena.

"Come on." He says as he unlocks the handcuffs from the ceiling. He's about to release them around my wrists but I pull away. He looks quizzically at me.

"No. I'm unstable to say the least." I say to him.

"Fine. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't care what Coin says you're not fighting, in fact neither is Katniss and the Star Squad." He says. "her orders and yes I'm suspicious."

He then steps out slightly to talk to another soldier. I watch him from the window and I see him run towards the rebels. In the crowd I make her out, the familiar petite frame. I close my eyes because I feel my body charge when I see her. "no, no, no," I whisper aloud to myself. "Please don't" I beg myself to keep it together but I feel something crack inside of me because I'm tired. What more can I give them, all of them. Coin has Ivy and there is absolutely no reason why she would keep her alive and now once again Katniss is in danger. Then for the first time in a long time I want it to end it and there is one way to do that, I can end it myself. I look down and see my gear bag. I drop to my knees and look through it. I find the gun and it's loaded. I grab it and I take a deep breath, I only get one shot, I open my mouth and put the gun in it. I squeeze my eyes shut and I pull the trigger but somehow the gun locks, it malfunctions and then I feel Boggs tackle me and in a matter of seconds the gun is out of my hands. I begin to cry like a boy, the way I did on my first trip to my first Games.

"Please Boggs, do it, pull the trigger, there is no point anymore… You're going to win, the war is over and they did tear me apart, now please let me rest." I plea.

"Peeta you are not well! You would not do this if it weren't…" He protests but I cut him off.

"Don't you see it will never end for me! Haymitch once told me that nobody ever wins the Games, we Victors just have to live with the nightmare of surviving as every person that matters to us is taken from us." I can tell my words hit him because he has to closes his eyes.

But he wins his resolve because when he opens them they look determined again. He then proceeds to unload my gun and hands it to me. "I'm not giving up on you Mellark. Coin is not going to get away with this, she can't. You will get better. Peeta I will keep you safe." He then moves out of the way to let me out.

I try to walk but I can't even lift my feet properly. I feel weak all over again, impotent, and it begins to sink into that distant coal dusted depression that wouldn't let me breathe when I was freed from the Capitol. I begin to walk making the best effort I can, and truly hope that I am sheltered somewhere safe away from everything, I can't bear the violence anymore. When I step outside the wind hits me and it's cold, I remember that I lost my shirt, Alex took it off me. I must look strange holding a gun, struggling to keep my wits about me. I feel completely disoriented and my face must show it because my fellow rebel soldiers run towards me to see what happened to me, they look pitifully at me, I'm sure I look as if though I'm coming back from battle. In the distance I see Katniss staring at me. Her expression confuses me because it looks resentful and I am certain that she wishes I were dead so that I am no longer her burden. Something deep inside of me aches and I shamefully look away from her.

* * *

The rest of the day I spend it in and out of darkness. I'm slow, numb, and I can't keep up with what is happening around me, even though it isn't much. Some soldiers around me look at me sympathetically and they insist that I ask them to clarify anything when I feel confused. They look shocked when I tell them I am having a hard time determining when something is real or not. The next day I lazily follow Boggs as he leads Katniss and others to film a propo. I stand around idly when the buzzing sound comes screeching into my ears and I don't remember anything else.

When I come to, something terrible has happened. People are running, people are screaming, and I can smell flesh burning. Is this a hallucination. I sit up slowly and look around and try to reassess what happened. In the distance I see a familiar soldier being swallowed whole by a thick black tar looking substance. I'm horrified and I'm completely horrified to see Boggs on the floor his legs severed and I begin to scream. I then feel arms wrap around my shoulders from behind and I hear a familiar voice.

"It's okay Peeta, you're okay." He says over and over again.

I look behind me and I see Finnick both holding me and dragging me off the street before that black tar reaches me. I look up and I see Katniss along with Gale and her camera crew running towards us. Katniss shouts at Finnick to move faster and he does. Her voice wakes me up and I find my feet again and they begin to carry me once more. Finnick catches on that I'm alert again and he lets me go. My legs are present again and I begin to run. It isn't long before Katniss catches up and she takes the lead. She leads us into a living quarters. When she breaks open a door we rush inside and a Capitol citizen runs into her living room wondering who has intruded into her home, I'm sure. When she sees us she's horrified and she orders us out that she's going to call the Capitol peacekeepers, then I see Katniss bring up her weapon and she fires. I flinch and our eyes meet, for a second I can see that she didn't even think, she just acted and it registered for a second but she shouldn't waste time assessing how she feels about it. Shouldn't she? I feel confused and decide to not think about it too much, I don't even know why we ran in here.

Then I remember a pod went off and there is total chaos in the Capitol more importantly our unit is running rogue, I don't think I can get my mind around how that happened. Then I remember, it's Katniss, she is determined to kill Snow. I'm completely confused. Then I remember the conversation I had with this impromptu unit, some of which are already dead. I can trust them, I can ask them to assess if something is real or not real.

I desperately grab Cressida's arm. "Boggs is dead. Real or not real?"

Cressida looks pitifully at me. "Real."

"I killed him?" I ask fearfully.

Her eyes widen. "Not real." She then gently nudges me to a couch. "Peeta take a moment to breathe, I know this is hard for you. But we're going to get through this." She tells me gently.

I just stare at her and I continue to rub my wrists which are stinging now. I look down and I see that my wrists are raw from the handcuffs, well that and my constant tugging of the handcuffs . They're even bleeding.

Cressida then turns away from me when she notices my distraction "We might as well stay here until we come up with another plan."

Just then the television comes on by itself. It's announcing breaking news, instructing citizens to stay indoors and alert for instructions in case they need to evacuate. All rebels are armed and dangerous. Then my picture along with Katniss's picture hits the screen, the newscaster then declares us public enemies number one. All I can do is cover my face because I feel progressively confused. Finnick then approaches me and offers me water.

"Peeta you have to keep it together. I know your situation is shit but these are the Games all over again, and you don't need to be stable to get out alive." He tells me with a smirk.

"I'd hate to think the only place for someone like me is the Games." I tell him dryly.

He smiles. "I guess you have a point, and you know this isn't you. More importantly you have place outside of the Capitol. You have a beautiful woman waiting for you, remember you told me about those babies you'll have one day. " he looks into my eyes hoping that somehow that helps me and I remember what he's talking about and all I want to say is that Ivy may be dead already but then I also remember something else, Johanna is pregnant with his baby.

I'm about to comment on it but I quickly remember that Johanna made me promise not to tell him. I bite my lip and look at him. I'm surprised when I feel a genuine warm smile spread through me. "You're right, we all do, you do too." I tell him smiling.

He looks taken aback my changing mood and he eyes me curiously. He looks as if he's going to inquire but I can tell that he changes his mind. He just pats my shoulder and stands up.

Gale comes back in the living room with cans and begins to pass them around. I take it from him even though I don't know what it is. I look and realize that it's food. I'm not even hungry but I guess I should eat in case there isn't food later on. Katniss then emerges in the room, she looks pale and I wonder if killing that woman is getting to her. I want to tell her that she did what she was supposed to, it's not right, it will never feel right, but what else could we do. It's just another death that people like her and I have to carry on our shoulders. But I can't concentrate, further I'm nervous that interacting with her will set me off. I look back at my can and I'm about to dig in when the label catches my attention. I see that it's lamb and plum stew. I get a flashback of Katniss giddily eating that dish like a gluttonous child. I look at her can and I can see that it's chicken.

I then extend the can out to her. "Here." I say to her and she looks at me quizzically. "I'll switch you." I tell her.

At first she seems confused because it seems pointless but then she looks like she doesn't care to understand the psychology of a psychotic Peeta so she grabs the can and gives me hers to oblige me as if to appease me. She then looks away and is about to begin eating when she sees the label. She brings it up to her face to confirm. When she does her face softens and she looks at me again, her mouth parted."

"Your favorite." I say.

"Thank you." She tells me.

I look away and begin to eat my chicken meal.

The hours pass as my shrinking unit continues to go over what to do next. I'm so frustrated because I know that I could be of help but my mind is shot. I try to keep up with the conversation but it's really hard. I manage to understand that they want to go underground and this confuses me because I immediately think of District 13, but I know that we're not there. I squeeze my eyes shut and lay down on this soft sofa, which seems completely out of place.

I then hear Katniss's voice near me. "Peeta" she calls to me softly. I open my eyes and see her over me. She gently places her hand on my head and begins to run her fingers through my hair. "Peeta, we need to start moving. The phone in this place has been ringing and someone is going to come looking for the woman." I sit up to look at her and she pulls her hand away. "Peeta – are you with me right now, can you understand that we need to start moving?"

I nod understanding her. "Leave me here Katniss. I'll only hold you back. You're all in enough danger without having to deal with my condition, you don't need an enemy among you…"

"You are not the enemy!" She shouts at me then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

"I can't leave you here." She says sadly.

"Katniss – you have to. It's the only way, it may be the best for me too." I say honestly.

She nods. "No, it's not. We need you."

I reach out and grab her hands. "Katniss – let me go." I plea.

"If we leave you here, someone will show up, peacekeepers will show up and they will kill you or worst – take you back to Snow." She says chokingly because I can tell that she trying to fight back tears.

I look at my shoulder and I notice that I don't have a nightlock pill secured to my shoulder like the rest of them. "Then you do it." I say sincerely because I wholeheartedly believe that it's the best solution. She pulls back looking wide eyed at me, horrified really.

"No!"

I can't hold back my tears now. "Please Katniss I can't do this anymore… I don't want to, I am not going to kill anymore…" I say choking between my sobs and words. "I can't… Please…"

She nods and she jumps to her feet. She closes her eyes and wins her resolve because when she opens her eyes they are steely cold and determined. "Damn it Peeta no! You are not staying here! You wanted to fight for Panem's future well the rebels need you right now. We need all the fire power we can use!"

"Katniss.." I begin to beg but she turns her back to me and walks away.

Finnick comes to me and doesn't bother to entertain my request. "Come on – get up." He orders me coldly.

I don't know how I find the will but I do and follow them, as I slip in and out of consciousness, I think, through mazes, and then it's as if hours and seconds are the same thing because in a blink of an eye we're underground, trying to figure out where we are. Well I'm not figuring anything out. I'm just following voices and the bodies around me. I keep focusing on the stinging feeling on my wrists to keep the monster inside of me at bay. I am now just responding to orders because I can't follow along with the rationale behind our movements. At one point I am ordered to sit down and I do without thinking. I begin to think about Annie, is this what her life is like, just shifting through time at the will of doctors, psychiatrists, Finnick? I'm full of compassion for her. Then I being to feel the buzzing sound in my head and I begin to tug at the handcuffs again to increase the painful sting growing around my wrists. I close my eyes and let the pain focus me.

"What are you thinking?"

I open my eyes and find Finnick sitting next to me. I show him my wrists and he winces at the sight of the increasing lesions. "It's okay." I assure him. "The pain is helping me focus." I tell him. He then nods. I remember Johanna and him again. I smile at him. "Johanna told me that you broke her finger to get her to focus." I look at him and it's as if I have uncovered an forgotten world in his mind.

His eyes widen and then he smiles. "Yes." He picks up his pinky and twists it. Then he looks sad. "She's right – it will help. Just focus, concentrate Peeta. This will pass. Johanna always told me that you always came through." He squeezes my shoulder.

I grab his hand and I look him in the eye. I look into his eyes curiously. "Your eyes." I say as I stare at them. "They're so bright I can still see how green they are even in this darkness." I say making an observation.

He looks taken aback at my statement but then he smiles. "Man Peeta, whatever you're on – I may want some…" He stands up and laughs and I laugh at his thought.

"Trust me you don't." I mumble but he doesn't hear me. Then something catches my attention, I hear Katniss's name being whispered. I get chills because for a moment I believe it's me, that it's the monster inside of me and I'm hearing things. I cover my ears and I breathe. I then remember to tug at the handcuffs to further afflict pain on my growing wounds, to make it hurt much more. The more I dig my flesh into the metal the more I hear it. "Katnisssss, Katnissss, Katnissss…" Like an echo and then I realize that it's not me, I am actually hearing it. I rise to my feet. "We need to move!" I yell. "It's coming, something is here!" I scream as I begin to move. Then without a doubt I hear it clearly and so does everyone else.

Whatever confusion I was hearing the adrenaline running through me has cleared my foggy mind. I am moving fast keeping up with everyone else as Katniss leads the way through these underground tunnels. It's interesting how everything is very clear now. But then I begin to sense black outs because there are lapses in time. For instance one second I'm actually halted firing back at Mutts, then I'm running again, then I'm covering Finnick as he shoots. Another lapse and now I'm covering for Katniss as she detonates arrows their way. Then there's seconds of darkness that I can't account for. Then the unimaginable I come back to and there is daylight outside as I'm on the floor grasping the ground as I try to hold on to reality to my present. I hear Katniss screaming for Finnick. I look around and see that he's not there. I see Katniss hurl herself into a hole but Gale holds her back. And she cries out for Finnick desperately. I don't need to remember to know that he's still in there. I can't let him be there. I shove both of them out of the way and dive back in and I hear Katniss scream hysterically behind me. I see these monsters, these mutts, these Snow made death machines and it's as if I were back in that military base running for my freedom. This is no different. Once again time lapses. One moment I'm actually physically fighting these mutts, I'm tearing limbs off, I'm shooting my gun, I'm using my knives. Then another lapse occurs because now I have Finnick's limp body over my shoulder and I'm soaking wet but I don't know why. In a blink of an eye Gale is next to me and I don't know how long he has been there. He climbs up the ladder and he pulls Finnick off my shoulder. Then there's another laps of time because now I'm outside holding Finnick as he stares at me, and he's barely breathing. Then I see Gale drop a bomb in the hole before shutting it. We feel the ground shake beneath us.

Gale pulls a parachute out of his gear and tightly wraps Finnick in it. I'm desperate to have him in my arms again and I carry him as I follow Cressida's instructions. I then notice that Katniss is right next to me as she keeps staring into Finnick's face. I look down periodically and his eyes are fixed on me and Katniss. Katniss begging him to hold on.

I have another lapse in time because we are back in an apartment, one that looks just like the last apartment where Katniss killed a woman. As soon as we walk back in Gale takes Finnick and lays him on the ground. He unwraps the parachute and I finally grasp the severity of his injuries. He actually has holes in his torso as if those creatures were tearing him apart.

"Cato." His name escapes me and I fall to my knees. I see his chest rising and falling because he's still breathing and I can tell when his heart beats because I swear there is a rhythm to the flow in which his blood leaves his body. I desperately throw my hands over a wound in an attempt to contain his ripped body.

"Peeta" He manages to choke out my name and I look at him.

"You have to hold on, okay, you save your strength. I can go find the rebels and we'll get medics…" I beg.

He nods no as tears stream down his face. "Let go." He takes a deep breath and I finally notice that Katniss is kneeling next to me. "It doesn't hurt anymore." He tells us. He then stares at the distance. "The sea is so beautiful." He says as his eyes fill with tears and it's as if he can see a beach in the distance. "I'm free now." He says.

He exhales and he actually has a smile on his face. Then I realize that I don't feel his heart beneath my hand. Just like that he's gone. I see Katniss bend over and press her face to his and she begins to wail. I can't move, I can't even move my hand from the wound. I then register everyone else in the room, silent sobs, and the piercing pain that we are all feeling. I finally move my hand away.

"Is this real?" I ask feeling hopeful.

Cressida kneels next to me. "It's real Peeta." She tells me.

"Did I do this?" I ask her.

"No! You jumped back in there willing to sacrifice yourself to get him out! You hear me…" She yells at me. "You did not do this."

I look back at my friend, my ally, my fellow Victor. Beautiful Finnick torn to pieces and I remember Johanna, and I remember their baby. I begin to sob uncontrollably.

I'm inconsolable and once again I feel time lapse because I don't know how I ended up laying out on a couch as I stare at Finnick's lifeless body which is once again covered in that parachute.

Katniss once again kneels in front of me and runs her hand through my hair. "Peeta, we have to get going."

"We can't leave him here. I cannot allow a bunch of Capitol people to get their hands on him again…" I feel revolted by the thought especially when it think of everything he went through as a Victor in the Capitol.

"He can't come with us." She tells me sadly.

I sit up and I'm surprised at how clear my mind feels. "Cressida." I call to her and she stands up. "Portia once told me that houses and living spaces in the Capitol all hold walk-in freezers to hold excess food, it was almost required." I say in disgust.

She looks at me curiously. "Yes, why?"

"Would this place have one?"

She stands up and walks into the kitchen and I hear her open something. She then comes back. "Yes and it's working even through the power has been shut off."

I stand up and walk towards Finnick and kneel next to him. I look up at Katniss. "we're putting him in there and we're hiding him in there, locking it, doing whatever it takes to make sure not a single Peacekeeper gets him." I look at Cressida again. "Do you know where we are, do you recall, when we reach the rebels again we will let them know where to retrieve his body." I say sadly and I go lift him in my arms, he's so light now. I rise to my feet and Gale comes to help me.

I look at Cressida and she just nods letting me know that she understands what I want out of this. "I'll make sure I can transfer his location to them as soon as I can." She tells me gently and I nod at her. I then walk towards that freezer and I can't believe how large it is. I remember my family had a freezer in the bakery and it was a box really. I push the idea out of my head and I find a shelf where I can actually comfortably lay his tall brooding body. I gently cover it with things to make sure no one can see him. I step back and it hurts to leave him there. I feel Gale's hand on my shoulder offering me his support.  
"Come on Peeta – this is all you can do for him, it's the absolute best you could do for him." He tells me gently.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you." I say pitifully. "Goodbye Finnick and I bring my three fingers to my lips kiss them and offer him my highest respects. I then quickly turn around and walk out. Gale follows and he closes the freezer door then somehow jams it to make sure nobody else can open it.

When I come around the doorway I see Katniss sobbing on the couch she looks up and the moment her eyes meet mine she runs to me and wraps her arms around me. I'm surprised when I ctually hold her as best as I can with my shackled hands. She pulls away then reaches up to kiss my cheek.

"You did the best you could, we all did, at least we can return his body to his loved ones, he can be buried… people will have something to hang on to…" She says hesitantly, I'm sure wondering if she's saying the right thing. I nod, grab her hand and squeeze it. She takes a deep breath and steps away.

"Cressida – where to now?" Katniss asks and I wonder how the hell she has the will to keep going.


	45. Chapter 45

We are actually out in daylight running among fleeing people dressed up in Capitol clothing. No one seems to recognize us. We make through the streets and thankfully we can run without looking suspicious since everyone else on the street is running trying to relocate from evacuating sectors of the Capitol. No wonder the last apartment was empty and no one came looking when Katniss became hysterical with grief, the building had been evacuated. I begin to think that Snow may think we were killed or at least slowed down by that explosion underground. At least we have that in our favor.

Cressida finally brings us to a storefront in a rundown part of town. A grotesque woman lets us in and I wonder for a second if she's a mutt because she's a cat, whiskers and all. I nod and shake the stupidity of it all because I quickly realize that this woman know who we are and she's going to help us and that's all that matters. She leads us to the back of the store and opens a hidden trap door. In a matter of minutes we're all in a cellar.

As I pass by her she looks me over and then she stares at my handcuffs. "I have something that can get you out of those." She purrs.

"No, thank you. I need them." I tell her and for a wonder she seems to understand when she sees the soaring wounds. I guess she would understand she turned herself into a cat for some fucking reason, who knows how that saved her and why.

I sit down because I feel exhausted everything seems to be weighting me down including the memories of Finnick being ripped apart, I'm slowly starting to remember everything and my mind begins to tie all the pieces together. The buzzing in my head returns and I try to breathe through it. I look around and I see a bolted steel tube running through the wall.

"Somebody help me…" I say aloud and whatever conversation I interrupted comes to a halt.

"What is it?" Cressida rushes to me.

"Keys – who has the keys to the handcuffs?!"

"I have them." Gale says as he approaches me. "What do you need?" He asks calm and steady.

"Unlock one, throw it over that tube and cuff me again… quickly." I say to him as I begin to feel perspiration run down my spine. Thankfully he moves quickly and then I allow myself to sit against the wall and I wait for the inevitable. However my attack never comes, well at least not the one I was expecting. Instead I succumb to a panic a attack, a bad one, and I wasn't a bad idea to tie myself to the wall. I can't get the image of Finnick out of my head, I keep picturing Johanna waiting happily in that hospital bed as she held on to her abdomen, already cradling their baby. Then my heart feels like it's dying when I remember Ivy, defeated and hysterical as she was being dragged around.

When the panic subsides I'm laying on my side, my arms no longer shackled to the wall and I feel somebody running their hands through my hair. I realize that my head is resting on someone's leg. I roll onto my back to look up and I see Katniss looking down on me.

"Hey – you scared us for a second but we saw that it wasn't a psychotic attack." She says gently with a genuine warm and concerned smile.

I close my eyes and focus on the soothing sensation spreading through me with every stroke she takes so I turn back to my side and let this happen. I take a deep breath. "Yeah – it was just a panic attack this time." I continue to focus on her strokes and realize how comforting her closeness feels. "What are we going to do next?" I ask.

She looks around the room looking alert as if we were outside in a forest and not in a small cellar. I am reminded of our time in the Games, when she was trying to nurse me back to health in that cave. I can't resist the warm feeling of nostalgia that comes over me. A time when her caring for me meant the world to me. "Nothing for now. It's too dangerous and this place is secure. We're going to stay put, rest, and Tigris is going to try to send a message to the rebels if possible or at the very least keep us updated with information "

Then I have nothing else to ask. I just want to lay here, with her soothing me. I don't want to hear bad news, I want to stop picturing Finnick, and I am trying desperately to keep the worst case scenarios out of my head. We just stay there for a long time without saying word to each other. I close my eyes and continue to focus on the sensation of her fingers gingerly running through my hair. I bring my hand up to her knee and I being to draw circles with my finger on her knee. She stops stroking my hair and I can't help but smile at her reaction.

"Why didn't you leave me behind in that apartment Katniss?" I ask her calmly.

She stays silent for a long time and then she begins to stroke my hair again. "For the same reasons I didn't leave you behind before, I can't do that to you."

"Are you still looking out for me Katniss?" I ask curiously because I realize that I haven't been suspicious of her in a long time.

"Yes." She says as she grabs a handful of my hair in her hand and I feel a wave of warmth spread through me.

"Why?" I ask because after the way I've treated her over the past couple of years, I don't believe she owes me anything.

"Because that's what we do Peeta. We look out for each other." She says as her voice breaks a little and something inside me tears down because I feel tears jump to my eyes. For the first time in years I miss her so much so that I find it hard to breathe. "Excuse me." She says as she gently nudges me to move so that she can move away from me. I watch her stand up and walk away from me. She heads towards a couch and lays down with her back towards the rest of us. This is the only privacy she can have right now. I sit up and rest against the wall and I watch her for a long time until I can tell that she's sleeping by the rhythm of her breathing.

"Hey." Gale says to me as he approaches me.

"Gale – you startled me." I say to him.

He smiles. "You didn't think it was just the two of you in here did you…" He says . I look at him and as much as he wants to have a good sense of humor about this whole situation including me and Katniss I can see the bitterness in his face. "Are you hungry? Thirsty?" he extends his hands out towards me offering me the food.

"Thank you." I take it from him. I begin to eat and drink.

"You two have been on quite the journey. " He says after a while of just sitting next to me while looking at a sleeping Katniss. I look at him. "I think back to that reaping, when she volunteered and then you were reaped." He say sadly. "I didn't even register you being called until my brother told me later that night. I just remember hearing her volunteer and then I just went through the motions of things, everything was in slow motion. That night – I spend it in the woods because I felt numb and then I thought of her, running into her for the first time in the woods. Growing up with her, depending on her, looking forward to seeing her, looking for every excuse to be near her. The smell of her, that simple soap and water smell as it blends with the smell of the woods after a day of hunting. Then I realized I was in love with her. I never seized the day." He laughs. "well I did but I was too late…"

I look away from him and look in her direction again. "The games changed her. It's brutal."

"You changed her too." He tells me and I look at him feeling surprised. He sees me and laughs. "come on Peeta – you had an effect on her. You know that…" he looks at me knowingly.

"I'm not being modest Gale." I say sternly. "Whatever happened between us or whatever we felt for each other…" I'm about to say that it's in the past but it doesn't feel right to say it because she's right I will never stop looking out for her. I tried but I can't and then what does that mean. He laughs again at my futile attempt to underestimate us. I feel frustrated and I find the words I'm trying to say. "Bottom line Gale, she loves you. She always has." I say it sternly.

He looks at me with a serious expression and the look on his face tells me that he needs to believe me and I'm shocked that he needs convincing.

"Gale when you were whipped and almost died – she was besides herself, rabid like Johanna..." I begin to explain but he laughs again.

"Is that all." He says cynically. "I don't doubt how much she loves me and how much I mean to her." Then he looks bitter again and he even looks at me with reproach. "She never fell in love with me."

"But you two are together… now." I say feeling confused because I heard talk around 13, I have no doubt in my mind that they're lovers.

He laughs again. "Well – you have to do something right? Or someone?" He says laughing. I don't like hearing him talk like that and I look away from him. I stare in Katniss's direction and lean my head against the wall as I think about what he said bitterly. "Peeta for everything that exists between her and I now – it doesn't change anything. She still looks for you in her sleep, she calls out for you in her sleep… I see her eyes wonder restlessly around 13 and I know it's because she's looking for you…" I stare at him because his words are spreading an unexpected joy through me. Then he looks at me. "At the Quell, that night at the beach. The way she kissed you, the desperation behind it, to have you close to her – that kiss –She has never kissed me like that…" He says bitterly and I can tell that he's biting the inside of his cheek.

I have to shake the image and the memory out of my head. "Gale you're wrong. I think you've built us up to be so much more then what we actually were. She loves you, you two make sense to her." I say rationally because she is ultimately a practical woman. "You know all of District 12 knew you two would end up married it's nice to see that – something from back home survived. A lot of people would have been happy to see you two together." I say truthfully. I look at him and he looks in her direction, nostalgically.

"I guess it's up to her pick who she wants. I'm done trying to fight with the ghost of you for her. She'll pick who she can't survive without." He tells me.

Something about what he says doesn't sit well with me. "For starters – I'm not out there to be picked by anyone. I have plans for my future and they don't involve her." I say reproachfully. "Besides, even if I was – she wouldn't see it that way." I laugh at the thought. "I know one thing with certainty about her – you and I, and the feelings that come with us, have been the biggest inconvenience in her life. We've only complicated everything and considering the times, it's the last thing she needs or wants. I sincerely believe that." I say laughing and for a miracle, he starts to laugh too.

That night I manage to sleep, restlessly, but I sleep. In the middle of the night I had Gale shackle me to the pipe in the wall again because this time there was no confusing that monster buzzing in my head, demanding to make its presence known. All I can do is breathe and continue to damage my wrists in anticipation for the bitter sweet pain that allows my mind to focus. I surprise myself when I manage to control my outbursts I'm not even screaming. I have lucid moments where I can't help but smile because I know how disappointed Coin would be.

The next day, Tigris walks in panicked and lets us know that we will not be able to stay much longer because Capitol citizens are dispossessed and they are going to reside them in the endless amounts of consumer stores and any available space. Including the President's mansion! She then tells us that we are going to have to be extra careful because the Capitol is rioting against the rebels and looking to kill me and Katniss. In fact she tells us that a mob of Capitol citizens thought they saw me and they ended up murdering a bystander. I'm horrified and I think back to that young boy on the craft, this is the Hunger Games all over again. Tigris offers to dress us up to make sure no one recognizes us, as it turns out she used to be a stylists for the Hunger Games. How did I miss that detail – of course my mind is barely hanging on.

The thought of running out into a mob for a potential death match only feeds the monster inside of me and I know without a doubt this is where I have to part ways from them. I can feel lightening in my head so I have to focus hard to make sure I can say what I need to. "Okay, everyone. We need split up." I announce.

Everyone looks alarmed at me and Katniss looks furious. I can see it in her eyes. I close my eyes and anticipate her resistance.

"Katniss – I'm barely hanging on, if I flip out, I will call attention to all of us, to you! I can't do that." I say staring steadily into her eyes. I see her eyes tremble with fear and it's exactly the moment I was waiting for. "Katniss look at me – I have to be tied to a wall to keep all of you safe! Be reasonable – I have to leave you all. I have a better chance away from all of you." I see her eyes and I know that she knows I'm right – but she hates it.

She rushes to me and kneels by me, not in front of me, but adjacent to me. She's only a breath away, I can feel the warmth radiating off her body, she is boiling mad at me right now, I know it. She looks down at my hands which I'm ferociously pressing against the metal handcuffs, I can feel the blood running down my hands. The sting is barely enough to keep me focused. She reaches for my hand with hers and she gingerly runs her finger over my fingers and over my knuckles and to my surprise I feel heat radiate off her touch through my body. "Peeta – I can't let you go." She begins to cry. I suddenly become very aware of her and it's making me anxious. I want to tell her to step back because she's not safe but instead I press my wrists harder against the handcuffs to increase the pain. My mind begins to flash but all I can sense is her, her breathing, her soft sobs and her fingers on my hand. She then presses her temple against mine as her eyes look for mine out of the corner of her eyes. I look into her eyes and the room is fading into darkness. "No Peeta." She begs me. "Please don't slip away." She cries. Then it's as if everything begins to move in slow motion except for Katniss who crashes her lips into mine. She tugs at my lips ferociously and for a wonder it's as if she has lit a torch in a part of me that was long forgotten. Everything in me is heightened including the pain on my wrists and once again the world pulls into focus. I can tell that she has held her breath because she must have known how risky this was. She finally pulls away as she finds air desperately and she begins to cry again. "Please don't let him take you away from me." She pleas, referring to Snow. "Stay with me." She whimpers as she presses her forehead into my temple again.

My eyes are still closed and I can feel the warmth radiating off her body burn me, it's a high charged moment, I know it. I open my eyes and she's right there, still kneeling with me, adjacent to me, and her little hand is still clutching mine. I feel her forehead still pressed into my temple again. "Always." I say honestly. Finally she looks into my eyes and then the whole world falls back into focus. I stare at her large gray eyes that appear larger with the tears reaming her lids. I bring my hands to her face and I turn my head and I desperately search for her lips. My lips come crashing into hers and I kiss her, truly kiss her. It's not an act of desperation or despair like hers. I kiss her because my heart is screaming for It. It's beautiful. Tasting her like that again is beautiful and it makes me deliriously happy, even though happiness under these circumstances is ridiculous. She wraps her arms around me and I feel her so close again. Once again, I, Peeta Mellark, have found the beauty in the middle of this hell and I choose to cling on to it. I begin to feel her body tremble in my arms and pull away only to embrace her body close to mine. She starts to sob and laugh all at once. I look up to see around us and I see tears in all of their eyes - Cressida, her assistant, Tigris, and even Gale.

I pull away and she actually looks at peace. She runs her fingers through my hair again and calls me again. But I have to make her understand. "Katniss – you have to let me go." Her face falls and I wrap my arms around her waist tighter. "Katniss – remember 1, when we found ourselves locked in that post. Johanna, Nathan, and Silas had to leave me behind …" She begins to pull away and she interrupts me.

"No, no – it's not happening!" She protests.

But I raise my voice to speak over her. "They left me behind because they understood that it was the best option to save themselves, the mission, and me. It was a necessary risk, and they were right to do it."

"I am never leaving you behind again!" She yells at me and I realize now why she won't be practical about this. What happened in the Quell stills weights on her.

"You didn't leave me behind in the Quell – Katniss." I begin to tear up. "You would have never left me, I know that now. Just like I know now that the way Haymitch went about doing it was a risk that had to happen." And I mean it, for the first time I mean it and completely understand. I wipe my eyes and I notice that she's not fighting me anymore. "Besides, if we split up, we'll have a better chance."

"He's right Katniss." Gale tells her. She looks at him and it's as if they are communication with just their eyes. Something about his sternness, his glare, finishes convincing her. She stands up and pulls me to my feet.

Gale then approaches me. "I think it's time I unleash you." He says smiling. "Don't be afraid to lose it when you come across the Peacekeepers okay." He tells me and I smile and nod at him. He proceeds to unshackle me from the handcuffs and they crash at my feet. All I'm left with is the bleeding rings of flesh around my wrists. We stare at the gashing wounds. "I always knew you'd end up like this." He says laughing.

I throw my arms around him and hug him. I feel nostalgic, because Gale has been my rival, a sore subject, a source of jealousy and I'm sad to think that I may never see him again. I feel him wrap his arms around my back and then he pats me. He pulls me back and looks me in the eye. "Let's see each other on the other side of all of this okay." He tells me hopefully and sincerely. I smile and nod. Cressida and assistant proceed to exit the cellar with Tigris accompanying them. She's prepping them, disguising them, so it takes a her a while to come back in.

"Peeta – you should be next." She purrs and I agree.

Katniss runs to me and clings on my arm. I look at her and I'm drawn to her all over again, her eyes, her lips. I touch her cheek and we crash into each other. I kiss her desperately. When I pull away I still hold her close and practically speak into her lips. "Please be careful" I whisper to her.

"You too." She says. "I'll see you at…" and I cut her off with another kiss because I'm brought back to that terrible moment in the Quell. When she kissed me goodbye before taking off with the coil. She said I'll meet you at midnight back then.

When I pull away I look at her. "Don't say it – it's bad luck." I tell her. I start to walk away and she can't let go of my arm. I look back at her and she's horrified as I approach the steps out of the cellar. Gale steps up to her and places his hands on her shoulders and whispers into her ear. She then reluctantly lets go. Now I'm the one that can't take my eyes off her, what if I never see her again. Then I feel a truth rise in me. There is no world for me without her – I know that now. It's why I would fight for her, lie for her, I'd die for her just like she would for me. Maybe it was the dreadful Games that tied me to her forever, whether it's good for me or bad, the damage is done. She's a part of me and I a part of her. I take a deep breath and find the courage to walk away from her.

Once I step out Tigris shuts the trap door behind us and I hear it echo in my heart.

She nudges me towards a chair and she begins to work. "I thought the whole star-crossed lovers thing was an act." She says as she expertly applies makeup and arranges my hair.

I look into her eyes and find the woman underneath the façade. "Common misperception." I tell her with a good natured wink.

She actually offers me a genuine smile. She's done in no time. I look in the mirror and I'm amazed at her work. "Wow – like a true artist." I compliment her and she looks pleased to hear me say it.

"Good luck." She says, she looks around and grabs a few cans of food and water and hands them to me in a bag. I look in and see a gun too. I realize that I lost mine, when, I'm sure I don't know but this will help me.

"Thank you." I say wholeheartedly and I embrace her. I take a deep breath and make my way towards the door, I know where I need to go. I plan to look after Katniss from afar make sure that she gets to the President's Mansion and completes what she and Finnick came here to do. It's just best that she doesn't know it. I pull the hood over head as I walk out and I join the moving heard of people. In the distance I can hear explosions and gun fire. It's war.

Without planning it I end up in a crowd that is being ushered towards the President's Mansion for refuge. I can't believe my luck, then I realize what a good idea it was to separate. I can't imagine Katniss going unrecognized in this crowd. I'm glad Tigris had enough sense to tint my skin tone in a strange bronze color, I look like any other Capitol citizen with died skin. It makes me feel more confident.

As we keep moving towards the Mansion which is apparently now only five miles away, we are startled by a large explosion so close that the ground beneath us trembles. In fact I wonder if it's a real earthquake. People start shouting and run to peacekeepers for answers and I'm shocked to see a peacekeeper knock an old man in the face with his gun. I actually stop to help him back to his feet. I glare at the peacekeeper and then I remember that any of these people can recognize me so I look away. People start to scream, and I realize that these citizens are being assaulted on all fronts. I can' help the guilt rise in me. A woman in the crowd rushes to the old man and yells at the peacekeeper and asks that we all just want to know what that was and if we're in danger. The peacekeeper ignores her question and orders her to keep moving. She clutches the old man's face against her chest as she helps him move.

I then feel everything tremble below us again and then a sound like a train coming through. I look in the direction of the sound and I see buildings caving into the ground. What the hell is that.

"Move! We have to move!" I scream out loud and people take notice of the demolition coming towards us. They begin to run in the opposite direction and they even trample the peacekeepers who don't move fast enough.

We move but stop when we see that the caving ground stops well before it can reach us. People are confused and furious when they realize that it was a pod going off. They start to protest because they finally understand the danger and the irresponsibility of setting these kinds of death traps. Anyone can set them off, including innocent bystanders. Some people even scream and consider the horrific thought, what if a child were to set it off. Ironic. In the middle of that chaos I see three Peacekeepers rushing through the crowd with a herd of children following behind them. The Peacekeepers shout to move out the way for the children. Apparently they have priority and must reach the Mansion first, towards safety. Something about that doesn't sit well with me, I know firsthand that Snow is nothing but a danger to children. I almost wish people would object but I don't' think they fully understand. I begin to move forward along with everyone and I hope desperately that I am disguised in the crowd.

After about an hour of walking I begin to see the city center and beyond that the Mansion in the distance. The closer I get the wearier I get and I begin to look around and wonder if Katniss is also close, then it occurs to me that she may have been caught in that pod. I get chills just thinking about it and push the idea out of my head. As I approach the Mansion I see the premises full of refugees, worst yet, all children. I'm cold at the thought, they are not taking them inside the Mansion. I look at these children lined up around the Mansion, well no, barricading it. I close my eyes because I finally understand, they are a human shield. Snow is using these children as his last shield.

I try to approach the wall that pens them in and then I spot her. I recognized her face, Katniss clearly looking to get inside. I begin to run towards her. Where is Gale, I scream in my head and I immediately think the worst. I have to get to her because none of this feels right. Of course it could just be that we are in too close proximity to Snow, but the children shielding Snow makes it feel like a trap. Then I hear a siren, announcing that the Rebels are near, which is quickly followed by gunshots in the street. I look in the direction and I can see them, the rebels are near. Then a crowd gets scared and begin to run, which makes it difficult for me because it's as if I were running against the current to get to Katniss. I can see her in the distance, she manages to hold on to a rope to help hoist her up and keep herself from being crushed. For a moment I feel relieved, I feel as if it's all over. Our allies are here, we won't be murdered in the street by Peacekeepers, Snow, or Capitol citizens.

But the comforting relief is short lived, like always. I hear a hum in the sky. I look up and I see a hover craft and my heart stops because I see the Capitol seal on it. I close my eyes and my stomach begins to hurt. Then I see something that makes my blood grow cold, I see small silver parachutes drop. I actually begin to cry because yet again, I reaffirm that I am indeed in the Hunger Games. I look at the innocent children who just a few seconds ago looked terrified now look delighted as if they were about to find treats. I knew since the Arenas, that this is an illusion, there is nothing merciful given to us in an arena.

I look towards Katniss again who is still holding on to the wall and then I hear explosions among the children. I fall to my knees because in slow motion I see blood splattered, I see small body parts flock in the air. I'm frozen to the ground, then I see a group of people running towards us, I realize instantly that these are rebel medics. They are the only ones moving because the rest of the people are frozen to their spots at the sight of the horror that just happened. Finally I begin to hear horrific screams and it's as if it wakes me up because I rise to my feet instantly. I will my feet to move towards Katniss and that's when I notice that the children that weren't harmed are still holding parachutes and I desperately wish they weren't there. I look back towards the medics as people begin to run away from the scene again, at least they are here to help and I really wish they would tell the children to move away.

But then I stop on my tracks because I can't believe what I just saw, I see a blonde girl in the crowd that looks familiar. For some reason I can't look away and I realize that it's Primrose Everdeen. My whole being begins to ache because for a moment I think I may be hallucinating. Prim wouldn't be here, she can't be here, she's safe, away in District 13. She should be in the safety of her bed in her mother's arms, or studying to be the doctor she always wanted to be. Besides everything that Katniss did was to keep her away from this hell, away from the Capitol. She can't be here! It's not real, it can't be. She can't be standing among these dead children. Then I feel the claws of horror climb up my back because I know something is terribly wrong. I begin to run but towards her instead. As I begin to move another wave of explosions happen and this time I'm too close, the power of the second wave of exploding parachutes is stronger than the first. And I can't determine what happened first the exploding sound or the visual of Prim disappearing from existence in less than a second.

Then I hear Katniss's voice screaming Prim's name. It's true, what I saw was real. My eyes follow and there is another explosion only now I see Katniss thrown midair. Everything is happening in slow motion and feels and looks just like my nightmares. Katniss appears as if she were a real Mockingjay flying midair only to my despair, she isn't soaring, she is falling her wings literally on fire. The girl on fire, they finally did it, they scorched her.

I don't know how but I jump to my feet and I begin to run, the moment she lands on the ground I'm next to her waiting with my cloak ready to put her out. I can smell the burning flesh. There is so much fire and I can't believe this is really happening. I actually begin to scream at myself to wake up because this can't be happening. But it is, in fact I know with certainty since the burning flames on her body jumped on to my body . Once I see that she is no longer aflame I begin instantly roll on the ground to put out the flames that were starting to sting my left arm and torso. I move back towards her and she' badly injured.

People continue to run past us and so I move her towards that wall and shield her with my body until I feel someone pulling at me. All I do I scream that I am not letting go, nothing in this world will let me go. Then I feel a hard board beneath me and then I realize that we are being carried away on a stretcher. I close my eyes and focus on the fact that I can still feel her breath against my burning skin. She's alive. We are put in a vehicle and once I'm in there I hear a familiar voice.

"Peeta, please let go."

I look up and see Silas.

"Peeta please, we need to save her."

I stare at him for a second and I allow my body to relax and I move away reluctantly. I finally feel the pain in my body and I scream out. Silas quickly takes scissors and begins to cut away my shirt. Some of it is scorched to my burning flesh. Silas begins to assess my injury but I focus on Katniss. The doctors give her oxygen. I see that they cut her clothes off and I catch glimpses of her body, I spot one of her shoulders and it's red flesh, nothing more. I close my eyes and I can't stand the thought of her feeling pain. I never could. I close my eyes and still hope that this is a nightmare, that I will wake up. But I open them and once again I see glimpses of Katniss's mutilated body.

"Is this real?" I ask my friend.

Silas stops what he's doing and I can see tears in his eyes. He leans over me and kisses the top of my head. "I'm sorry Peeta, it is real." When he pulls away he continues to work on me.

"Prim was murdered." I say unfeeling.

Silas looks shocked and he stares at me. "What? What are you talking about? She's in 13."

I close my eyes and I replay what I saw, Katniss screaming out her name desperately and I know that was real. "No she wasn't. She was with the group of medics, here aiding those children. Then a second wave of explosions went off." I say reliving the moment. Silas falls to his knees and he looks in Katniss's direction. His jaw drops and I can see that he begins to cry.

He then composes himself and takes a syringe. "Peeta, you need to rest. I'm going to sedate you and put you under so that I can give you your medicine. You've been through a terrible trauma… I'm going to take good care of you." He says sadly and I allow myself to lay back. I turn my head in Katniss's direction and she's still unconscious. I know why my friend is really putting me under, because what he has to do to treat me is going to be unbearably painful. I complied with him because he could never understand that nothing he can do will come close to comparing to the kind of pain Katniss and I are too familiar with. This whole thing really started with her honorable sacrifice to save Prim, and it wasn't enough. Not even the revolution was enough, Prim still died in the Games. When the drug induced darkness consumes me, I welcome it eagerly.

* * *

When I wake up and feel a burning sting run through my body – I'm even alarmed because for a second I actually felt my missing leg. I realize that I am not restrained for a change. I try to sit up but a sting runs through my body again and I collapse on my back. I cry out in pain.

"Peeta!" I hear someone cry my name out and I can't look around because I'm afraid of moving. But I don't have to move around because she materializes in front of me.

I sigh with relief. "Ivy…" I cry out her name and I feel a huge knot in my stomach finally come undone. "Ivy." I say again and I begin to cry and then she starts to cry too. "I didn't know what had happened to you." I reach out with my good arm and press my hand against her cheek. She kisses it and she's crying so hard now that she can't even speak. "You shouldn't be here Ivy, it's not safe…"

"Peeta, it's over. Snow is captured and detained. The remaining Peacekeepers surrendered, Paylor is in the Capitol with the rest of her lieutenants." Then she takes a deep breath. "Coin doesn't know I'm here."

I raise my brows feeling surprised. "How…" Because last I remembered she was hanging Ivy by a very breakable thread.

"Jon – Jon saved me, us. I don't know how he did it but he pulled me out of the cell she stuck me in, he then gathered Silas, Nathan, and Delly and he managed to put us in a medic craft going out to 7. He told people what had happened and they snuck us out."

I almost begin to hyperventilate from the relief. Nothing in this world would have stopped Coin from going after them. Then it hits me, Prim. "Ivy – Prim is dead. What the hell was she doing with the medics?" I say angrily.

Ivy look startled. "I heard – and I can't begin to understand how that happened. Medics have to go through military training for at least a year before they went into a war zone, not to mention she was not of age." She looks frightened. "Peeta – what if it wasn't Snow… like everybody thinks." She says.

I close my eyes because this is exactly where my thoughts were going. "It sounds like you've thought about this already. Who else?"

"Haymitch." She whispers.

"Good – if he's talking about it. Paylor and everyone else must know." I say. I stay quiet and stare at the ceiling and I think about everything. Then I hear her sobbing. I look at her again and I think about Finnick. "Ivy – have you heard anything about Finnick."

She swallows her sobs and she wipes her eyes. "Yes –Cressida told the rebels where they could find his body… It was taken to 4, where Annie…" She breaks down again and she has to try really hard to compose herself. I squeeze her hand. "Annie was going to be there waiting for him and then she'll come to the Capitol."

I wipe my tears. "Why does she need to be here, it's the last place she should be." I say feeling protective of her. "what about Jo?" I ask and this part hurts, I feel a pang in my abdomen.

"She took it pretty hard. I wasn't there anymore but I was told that she almost had a miscarriage. She's in the Capitol now." She says sadly.

I feel horrified and I just stare at her.

"in fact she was going to come and see you."

"Have you seen her?" I ask her.

She nods yes. "Yes, and she's… I don't know. She's…"

She doesn't have to say it, I know exactly what she's referring to. "She's out to kill." I say and she nods.

"For the record she doesn't hold you responsible – I just think she came here to fight for the right to kill Snow."

I close my eyes and sigh. When I open them I find Ivy's green eyes staring at me with all the fear in the world in them. She finally leans down and presses her forehead to mine and she kisses my lips. It's strange she feels foreign to me. I reach out to touch her hair and I am happy to see that she's well, alive, because I would have never forgiven myself had something happened to her.

"Peeta – I was so afraid I lost you." She begins to cry again. "I was so scared and powerless. You didn't deserve this." She sobs. "Why can't they just leave you alone. I want to take you from here once and for all." She presses her head on my shoulder and cries. I cry too because the life we planned together feels like it belongs to someone else and I have tied her to my horrors.

"I was afraid Coin would have killed you. I was devastated. I never wanted this for you, none of this. It's why I pushed you away all those years ago."

She looks sad again. "My life is hell without you. You have to know that."

I look in her eyes and I wonder if she really understands what she's saying. I feel as if though I'm tied to a hell every day and she lets it in her life always. I so badly want to feel her comfort and the comfort that the life that we plan always offers me. I pull my blanket back, inviting her to get in bed with me. "Just be gentle okay." I say humorously.

She looks shocked. "You are not joking right now!" She reproaches me but I know she can't hide the relief that comes from her. I have to say even I'm surprised that I am finding my good nature right now because I can feel the whole weight of the world on my shoulders right now. Ivy obliges me and gently climbs in bed with me. She lets me huddle into her and I press my head to her chest where I can hear the beautiful sound of her beating heart. It's pounding actually, just like it did that day, when we first bound ourselves together. I end up fall asleep in her arms.


	46. Chapter 46

The next couple of days I begin to feel my skin again. Ivy explains that I burned my left arm and the left side of my torso, alongside my ribs. She really doesn't have to tell me where and how, I know that I was cradling Katniss that way and that her burning body scorched me. One day Ivy walks in to explain that I may not need skin grafts because most of my burns were second degree burns. I tune her out because it really doesn't make a difference to me. While lost in thought I hear her silence and feel her eyes staring at me. So I look alarmed.

"I'm sorry I didn't hear what you said." I say thinking she must have asked me something.

"I didn't say anything." She responds with a bleak smile.

"I'm sorry – I'm just lost in thought… I'm not sure why I'm not thinking anything." I tell her honestly.

"You haven't asked me about her, how she's doing…" She says referring to Katniss. "in fact you haven't asked anyone… I checked." She tells me honestly.

I look at her for a second then look away. I close my eyes and I see Prim again, standing there trying to help an injured child and I swear I think she made eye contact with Katniss before she was just gone – disintegrated from this world in a second. I then see a tiny little girl bravely making her way towards a sad stage in District 12 and then I hear Katniss's shrill scream.

"I don't have to ask Ivy." I open my eyes again and look at her. "I don't have to ask…" I say as I wipe away my silent tears. She just nods understanding. She then walk over to me and gently kisses my lips and silently walks away.

When I lay in the dark, my mind wonders to Katniss and my whole being crumbles. How can I possibly help her. I turn a light on and I feel like crying. My therapist encourages me to write in a journal and for some reason my journal has turned into a book of letters for Katniss. She'll never see them, but only if I feel like I'm talking to her can I express what I feel. Because I still believe that she's the only one that can understand what I feel. Today I feel total remorse and guilt because with Ivy moments of normalcy jump into my everyday life and I feel that I shouldn't have that, not with her completely distraught.

 _Every day I think of you. I think about you a little bit more. I swear sometimes I feel as though I've lost all reason and I feel like something inside of me is destroyed. Every day I think of you, just a little bit more each day. Each day that the sun rises I look for a reason to go on like this. And I can feel you even though I can't see you, I long for you every moment, you're my last thought before I fall asleep, I wake up and I'm thinking of you. I can hear the clock ticking away and I keep thinking of you…_

 _Do I love you? It's difficult to believe that there is no reason to when there is so much missing in our hearts. People keep saying that time will heal all but I can still feel the pain and with every tragedy and loss, that pain only intensifies. And I feel as if you were the only person that can ever comprehend that. Each day that we spent together, especially in those Arenas, it's as if you sewed a threat of you into my being. We were prepped to be together by Cinna, Haymitch, Portia but they never imagined that we would have to learn to live without each other. Can we?_

 _These days are so bleak so long and gray, they're absurd, bitter, and hard. These days have no nights, if one should appear it's just useless to sleep. Just timeless, the hours have no beginning or end, so lacking of air, just so full of nothing, useless… These days are like a sky without silvery moons or the setting suns. Like an echo always repeating the same old sad song. I go through the motions of the day looking for something in people's faces, finding hints around me that life is worth living, biting my nails off choking in sobs – missing you so much._

These journal entries allow me some release, like my paintings, I can express the ideas that choke me so that they are no longer inside of me. This way, each day I am more functional but it certainly doesn't mean that I'm not feeling the void of her nor can I pretend that I don't feel the pain she is feeling. Ivy as always is incredibly patient and understanding and I'm actually making a real effort to connect with her, and really it's not difficult. I love her, at least a part of me does, but right now there is so much pain and mourning to feel anything else. As usual, she walks in to examine me and she gives me thorough run down of how my wounds are healing, it always sounds the same to me, but today she looks sad, and I know it's because of my emotional distance.

"So Doctor." I tell her playfully and she looks surprised by my tone of voice. "Don't think that I haven't noticed that you have been telling me the exact same thing the past couple of days. Are you trying to hide something from me?" I ask her.

She's about to crack a smile but she decides to go along with me and she manages to swallow her smile. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. Is there something in particular that you're worried about?"

"Well – I'd like to know if things are in working order…" I raise my eyebrows to inquire more and she closes her eyes but this time she can't hold back her good natured light laugh. "You know" I say knowingly. "Any injuries that would potentially get in the way of satisfying my insatiable girlfriend." I say trying very hard not to laugh and her mouth is now gaping open in shock because just then some nurses walked in and they looked startled to hear me and so they rushed out.

"Way to scare the students." She protests.

I laugh. "Oh Ivy – don't be naïve. Those were Capitol citizens, they've seen it all." With my good arm I grab her arm and pull her towards the bed.

"Stop!" She screams laughing. "You'll hurt yourself." She says.

"Don't think I haven't noticed that you are dodging the question. Am I okay to perform?"

She laughs again as she carefully and gently positions herself in the bed next to me. "Well Peeta, you sustained no injuries … there. So…"

"Really did you examine me personally. You know for a fact."

She starts to laugh hysterically and I kiss her. I hate that she still feels foreign to me so I tell myself that it's due to the trauma, the mourning, the despair. We're interrupted by a knock on the door. Ivy sits up instantly and gets off the bed.

I look towards the door and see Gale standing at the doorway. He looks bitter as he cradles his arm, which is in a sling.

"Gale." I say surprised because I honestly hadn't thought about him. My mind has been preoccupied with Katniss, Prim, and Finnick.

He comes closer and only then do I see his eyes, he's tormented, and he hasn't slept at all. He looks as though he has aged 10 years in a matter of days.

"Is she okay?" I ask panicked because why else would Gale come see me.

"She's alive… but she's really hurt." He tells me. "Her nightmares are back and she's been screaming for you, she's thrashing around, and reinjuring herself. Her flesh is so wounded…" He says and a sob escapes him. He takes a deep breath and composes himself. Ivy walks towards him and places her hand on his arm. He just nods. "I'm sorry to interrupt the two of you." He says bitterly and this strikes a nerve. "I just think that if she feels you close, it may make a difference, at least until her skin grafts heal properly."

I nod and I wonder why I haven't gone to see her. For the first time I don't know if I can bear seeing her in this condition. I can still smell her burning flesh in my arms and I have to admit that a part of me wanted it to end for the two of us right there, especially after I saw Prim leave us. What is the point anymore. I shake the thought off and I rise to my feet.

Ivy rushes to get a wheelchair. "Don't even think about walking." She says as she runs out of the room.

I look at Gale as he stares after her, then he looks back at me and I can see the hatred in his eyes.

"What?" I practically growl at him because I really don't have the patience for him.

"Must be nice – you here in bed with Ivy, laughing, smiling. I wish we could all move on like you. How do you do it?"

I'm furious and it takes everything inside of me to not knock him out. "Why don't you shut up Gale – All I'm doing is living and I still have an obligation to people that love me." I tell him

"Well it is nice that you still have people left… isn't it."

I'm about to say something to him when I remember something, the parachutes, and then I remember him explaining a weapon that he had designed with the militia in 13. A small explosion, which causes damage but nothing over the top, enough to lure people in to help, create a false sense of safety, when the rest of the bombs would annihilate everything. I close my eyes, no wonder… But wait that can't be right, that was a Rebel weapon, and it a Capitol craft that dropped them… Whatever the case was, it was his weapon. I just stare at him and I truly feel that I hate him this moment. He was always so cynical, so superior, unwilling to understand the delicacy of life and death. He often talked about war as if he were hunting.

"Don't take this out on me. We all made decisions that have consequences Gale. Learn to live with it, just like the rest of us." Then I study him for a second because I can see that he's still wearing that steely armor of arrogance. "You always wanted to be in the Games didn't you, now you have, and it's brutal. You take lives, even when you don't' mean to…" When I say this something breaks inside of him because his face falls and just then Ivy walk in with a wheel chair, which she lovingly helps me into. I observe her as she gently positions my arms, my legs, and she offers me an encouraging smile and even a gentle kiss. My heart melts because I am so lucky that after everything that has happened to me, everything that I have survived, and everything I have done – I deserve this and I refuse to feel guilty over having something good in my life. "We all have to find a way to keep going." I tell Gale and then I look at Ivy. "Come on now." Ivy nods and she looks sadly at Gale and she doesn't move.

"Everybody is trying to pull together now that the war is over. I don't know how much longer the two of you will have to coexist but please try to be civil." She then closes the door. "I've learned more details -about what happened" she says hesitantly because I guess she doesn't know how to refer to the explosion that killed Prim. I turn to look at her, in shock, really because how does she know anything and why is she inquiring. She gives me a knowing look. "Peeta – Gale… I don't know how much you know – but Nathan found out that a group of Rebels took over a military complex in the Capitol a few days ago and had access to crafts." Gale and I are stunned and we look at each other.

"Who were they?" Gale inquires further. "Have they been interrogated?"

Ivy nods and proceeds to answer. "No Gale – there is footage of them, we can't identify who they were. But yesterday – in District 2, there a was a very recent mass grave uncovered. The victims were scorched beyond recognition but they make up the same number of rebels that were counted in that military complex."

"Has anyone questioned Coin about it?" Gale asks furiously.

She nods again. "From what Nathan's informants told him – Paylor and few lieutenants questioned her and she said that they were executed on her command for going rogue."

"That's it?" Gale presses on.

I don't have to say anything – nor do I need proof – this was Coin.

"Gale just know that Paylor and the others are more than suspicious. But we just finished a war we can't break out in civil war." She says and Gale laughs out of frustration. "I think they are letting this rest – for now – you know Coin doesn't want a Parliament election. It may come out sooner rather than later." She explains – in the meantime please be alert, both of you. Don't start fighting each other, this isn't over yet."

Gale and I look at each other and nod in total agreement.

"And Gale." Ivy addresses him and he looks at her. "Don't blame yourself. From what I've learned everyone of us gets exploited one way or another. You didn't do this." She reached out and squeezes his hand. I can tell he fully appreciates her sentiment. He nods at her and Ivy finally opens the door and pushes me along.

I begin to feel anxious and tense the closer I come to her room. I notice that there is a special burnt unit in the hospital.

"Why am I not here?" I ask.

"Because your burns weren't as severe." Ivy tells me sadly.

My heart hurts when she says this and my healing burn begin to sting all over again. By the time we reach her door my back hurts from the building tension in my body. As she pushes me in I spot Haymitch sitting on chair, staring at Katniss sadly. I look around because I realize that I expect to see her mother but she's not there. Finally Haymitch looks at me.

"Where is Mrs. Everdeen?" I ask him.

He looks heartbroken and he closes his eyes as if he can't take anything anymore. He opens his eyes and he can't hide the tears. "She's not here." He tells me simply and I hurt even more now. I just nod understanding. She was always frail, losing Prim must be too much. I can't help but feel angry at her, she still has one daughter. Why should Katniss always fend for herself. Ivy then pushes me to the side of Katniss's bed. I see her body and I don't know how I don't just break into a millions pieces. I can tell that she's not wearing anything. There is just a thin white paper-like sheet over her body. She is laying on her stomach, the wounded part of her body us covered by white medicated cloths. I can tell by the smell but they don't fully hide the condition of her badly burned body. I can see flesh, bright red raw looking meat. I place my hands on her bed and I realize that the surface is a moist cool substance. I instantly pull my hands away. It must be a special bed.

"It's okay to touch it Peeta – you can get closer." Ivy tells me. I look up at her because she's crying. She then turns around and walks out and I notice that Haymitch follows her. Gale seems to have forgotten that I'm there because he falls into a trance and just stares at her. If I was hating him before I feel nothing but compassion for him now.

I turn back towards her and I watch her face, which looks strained. "Hi Katniss." I say to her and I can see that she's unconscious, thankfully why should she be conscious for this. I look her over again and my whole body begins to tremble. The terrible irony also hits me. We came under fire in the City Center, where we both paraded around as tributes, both times we were burning metaphorically, the third time they did it – they burned us. Once again I can hear Caesar's voice excitedly and cheerfully announcing her – Katniss Everdeen the girl on fire! – I actually break into a sweat just remembering, everything just seems that much more sick now. I notice her small hand it's resting palm down next her face, just a breath away from her face. My eyes look her over again and this time I take my time to assess her condition. I can tell that the back of her neck is burnt to a crisp, her hair is also burned off, at first I thought it was just messy but that's not it. I can see the top of her back her shoulders which is exposed and the skin is raw red and blistered, it's as if I'm looking at from the inside out. I can tell that the trail continues further down, even though the small sheet is covering her.

I gently reach out and graze the top of her hand with my fingers. I'm too afraid to do or say anything else because I don't want to wake her. I don't want her to consciously feel her condition. Then she begins to stir but it's not because she's waking up it's a nightmare. Her body looks like it's about to start moving and I know that she shouldn't be moving right now. So I do the only thing that ever worked, I begin to talk to her.

"I'm here Katniss. When it rains it pours doesn't it. I know how you feel, I feel like nothing can cheer me up. Did we live so much in such a short amount of time that I don't know what I'm speaking nor what I believe in anymore. I feel like I don't have the strength to wake up sometimes. I can't even really hear my voice or thoughts. I don't know if I've lived one day or a thousand or once or a hundred lifetimes. I'm trying to determine which is worst - my losses or crises." Then I begin to cry. I gently press my lips to her hand and proceed to talk into it. "I feel so lost right now I want to drown in this loneliness." I start to take deep breaths. "I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything is going to be okay. I'm not going to do that to you. I just need you Katniss." I begin to cry again. "I need to know that you are out there, somewhere… I can't imagine you being gone. And I know how you feel and I understand. You know that I do. And I know that me asking you to not give up is purely selfish but there's no denying that you are a part of me – so you have to survive." When I look up I'm surprised to her eyes wide open looking at me with tears silently spilling over. "Katniss…" I say and she turns her hand to squeeze mine. I lay my hand on top of our hands and just stare at her because there is nothing I could possibly say – we both just know and we can feel it.

I don't know how long we stay like this but she actually talks. "Tell me something good…" She manages to say and her voice is hoarse and it sounds painful. I try to remember if she was screaming that day – but I don't remember, come to think of it, I don't have memory of hearing the explosions. I'm surprised by her request too and I realize that she's asking for me, to try to keep my spirits up.

I look at her for a second to think about it and it hits me. "Katniss – Johanna is pregnant." I say cheerfully and I can't believe that I am actually feeling cheerful at the thought. Katniss just stares at me in shock as if she were haunted. "Well – I think those are good news." I say lightheartedly. "Would you like to rest Katniss." I offer because she suddenly looks exhausted. She just nods yes.

I turn my wheelchair around and I see Gale staring at me in shock. "Johanna is pregnant." He exclaims.

"yes."

"Is it Finnick's?" He asks.

I'm taken aback and I realize that I guess he would have reason to think something else, me. I instantly look back at Katniss who stares at us. I doubt she would think the same thing besides she looks distracted. I look back at Gale. "Of course it's Finnick's baby." I tell him. I turn back to look at Katniss. "Katniss – I'm thinking of you." I say awkwardly because there are no words that seem appropriate between us. I just look at her and I know she understands. She knows by looking into my eyes that if it weren't for those wounds I would be in that bed with her holding her forever without saying a single word.

Gale then pushes my chair out. Outside I find Ivy and Haymitch standing around. When they see me their eyes inquire so I answer their thoughts. "It was fine – I was there for her, she woke up and she talked a little." I say

"really!?" Haymitch sounds surprised. "She hadn't said a word."

I can't help but smile. "Yeah – she asked me to tell her something good, so I told her Johanna was pregnant."

"You shouldn't have said that." Gale reproaches me.

I immediately think of Finnick and the tragedy is not lost on me but it was the right thing to say, Katniss needs to see that life keeps going. "She asked me to tell her something good, I gave her my honest opinion." I realize that Gale is going to look for every excuse to fight with me so I should just leave. "Come on Ivy, let's go."

"Wait!" He calls out and we stop to look at him. "You wouldn't understand but you should – why it may be hard for Katniss to hear that."

"Gale shut your mouth." Haymitch barks at him.

I glare at Haymitch because that old familiar resentful feeling rises out of me again and I glare at him. "How about you shut your mouth" I say hatefully. I turn to Gale. "What were you going to say." Demanding to know.

I can tell that he doesn't know how to start but he seems determined to tell me. So he blurts it out. "Katniss had a miscarriage."

I actually feel as if I jumped but I know I didn't because I'm sitting on a wheelchair. I stare at him and Gale looks at me as if he's not sure what he just said. "I'm sorry" I say, thinking of her because I know she never wanted children and him I guess.

Gale looks confused then frustrated. "It wasn't mine" he clarifies and now I'm more surprised.

"Oh." I say but something inside of me begins to grow, I'm not sure what or why but I'm anticipating something big.

"Peeta - she had a miscarriage a month after she was rescued from the Quell."

I feel paralyzed and disconnected. I come back to when Ivy squeezes my burnt shoulder unknowingly I'm sure but I welcome the pain. I just stare at Gale.

"Peeta – I'm telling you now because you should know. She is already carrying too much on her own, she has for too long. She never talks about it but I know it's still a wound and damn it you have a right to know."

For some reason I can't allow this revelation to process. "Ivy – please take me back to my room." She swiftly moves us away from this place. The whole way back I can hear her soft sobs but she doesn't say a word. Once we're in the room Ivy helps me get in bed. The whole time she cries softly. Then she looks at me.

"Do you want to be alone?" She asks as she squeezes my hand.

I just nod. I watch her walk out and I can hear her soft sobs, even Ivy feels the tragedy that was me and Katniss – two star-crossed lovers. Once I'm alone I try to grasp this latest revelation but I can't really sink my thoughts into it. Instead a more practical side of me surfaces and I wonder why so many ghosts keep peering out now, now that the war is over. Wasn't this supposed to be time of rejoicing? I have to force the thought of that miscarriage and I don't feel anything.

I don't know how much time passes like this but I hear my door open and it's Haymitch. The first thing that comes to mind is that once again he was keeping yet another truth from me. I feel angry and I hate that Gale was the one that told me these news.

Haymitch strolls in cautiously, his eyes look me over, I know he's assessing me and I hate that he can read me so well. After all this time and all the distance I put between us – that hasn't changed. "I just wanted to know how you were doing? I hadn't come to see you because I've been with Katniss." He tells me as he actually comes on to the bed and sits on it.

"You should be with her." I say plainly and I hate that I feel grateful to him for being with her, for anything.

"About what Gale told you…"

"Just stop Haymitch."

He actually looks righteous and he raises his voice. "Let me finish – I can't have you reproaching her for anything right now."

I glare at him. "It hadn't occurred to me."

"It's not that I wanted to keep that form you Peeta." And he actually looks guilty. "You two have gone through so much – the condition that you were in when you were rescued – what was the point? You wouldn't have been able to process any of it."

"What do you know about what I can and can't process?" I sit up and I'm surprised by how steady my voice is. "I'm still stunned by how good you are at keeping things from me."

"Why do you have to go and dig things up from the past that don't matter anymore." He tells me truly frustrated. "Just like this miscarriage – it's in the past and I want you to keep it there." He reproaches me.

"Past or present, it's my life!" I scream irate in his face and he shrinks back. "It's a part of me, and it's Katniss!" I scream again and he tries to stand up to walk away but I grab on to his arm. "And I loved her with all my soul! And when you lied to us you forced us to live a life that we never asked to be part of!"

We sit there just staring at each other heaving mad over all our past demons and I can't let go of him.

"Peeta." I hear Silas's familiar voice and I finally let go of Haymitch's arm. "Haymitch you should leave." He orders him and Haymitch stands up to go. I hear his footsteps head towards the door. I let myself fall back and I don't care about the stinging pain screaming at my side.

* * *

Due to the Capitol's medical advances and the Rebels' special interest in recuperating their star Victors, I'm on a quick track to recovery, physically anyways. The Capitol doctors insisted on doing procedures that would have removed any traces of the scarred skin but was adamant about not allowing it. I can't help but wonder what they've been doing to Katniss. I didn't see her again since that visit. I miss her dearly but she was moved to a secure location to ensure her safety. At first I hated the idea but I instantly felt better when I found out Paylor took the initiative, I have no doubt that it is to keep her safe from Coin. I felt even better when I found out Haymitch accompanied her. I may hate him sometimes, but I know he would do anything to protect her.

Meanwhile I've been in this hospital, with Ivy by my side. I constantly see her with books and workbooks, she continues to study to finish her medical degree. I feel proud of her and I try to join her in her effort of moving past all of this, after all I'm supposed to be part of her life and I truly make an effort. The problem is that it's a big effort on my part, and that doesn't sit well with me. I feel completely torn between her and Katniss. I don't know if Katniss and I are even a possibility but I feel closer to her than I ever have. With Ivy, I know and truly believe that I can move forward and build a life, a good life full of hope but I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to do. I can't ignore all the baggage that Ivy will inevitably have to carry.

I've been surrounded by friends – Silas who is in the Capitol supporting the medical efforts to meet all the needs of a post-war era, Ivy, but then Johanna and Annie arrived – separately of course. Johanna has been distant, withdrawn, she's mourning and completely heartbroken. When she comes to see me she doesn't say much. She just squeezes my hand and proceeds to sit down and stare at a wall. I'm more concerned by how bitter and hateful she looks. I couldn't figure out why, after all she was always an aggressive person, but then I realized that there is a dangerous element to her at the moment and it scares me. The only time her expression changes is when I catch her clutch at her abdomen and she'll briefly look down to offer herself a slight smile. But I have no idea what she's thinking.

Silas continues to look over her, even though she doesn't welcome his care, he will not back down. When I had a conversation with him about just backing off because I don't want her to hurt him, he became instantly defensive. He told me that he was the one that had broken the news to Johanna about Finnick's death and she completely fell apart. Her breakdown was so severe that she was hospitalized for a week and almost had a miscarriage. The only person she demanded to have near her was Silas. I didn't say another word. Clearly they have an understanding of their relationship and I should just mind my own business.

Then there is Annie. To everyone's surprise, since finding out Finnick died, she is present. And by that I mean that the multiple personalities have disappeared. She too had a breakdown but everyone was stunned to see Annie, the real Annie emerge. She has been strong, steady, confident, competent, and even arranged to retrieve his mangled body form the Capitol to give it a proper send off, as they traditionally do in District 4. His body was cremated and his ashes spilled into the sea. The thought is beautiful and I cried from so much sentiment when I found out. I'm so proud of her. She has also been such a huge comfort to me. She even comes to join me at night, and holds me as we sleep together. I love getting to know this Annie. I even found the nerve to apologize to her, for not being able to save Finnick. I was stunned when she smiles warmly at me and told me that I shouldn't be sorry because he is finally free. I broke down because they truly were one, I told her that those were his last words. It gave her so much peace to hear it. Till today I don't fully understand what she means. I realize that he's no longer suffering nor is he part of this incessant violence but there seems to be something more in her eyes when she says it. I find comfort in her words because I can see now why Finnick loved her, why he mourned losing this woman, and how painful it must have been for him to see a shell of the woman he loved for so long.

One day she talked to me about Johanna, I didn't bring it up because I didn't know how to bring it up. She began by reproaching me for suggesting that people tell her Johanna's baby was mine but then she acknowledged that she understood my reasoning. She then looked stern and angry and told me that she would never forgive Johanna for her betrayal. She also explained that she was not holding Johanna solely responsible for the affair, she knows that Finnick shares the blame. She even understood their affair – their relationship. But then she went on to explain that Johanna didn't deserve Finnick, and that his involvement with her was simply a symptom of how lost Finnick was after the Games. She insists that her Finnick would have never been involved with someone like Johanna. Ultimately, she explained that Johanna was just another bad moment as a result of the Games. I don't agree with her but she has a certainty to the way she explains her perspective that it almost convinces me.

Perhaps she doesn't understand that the Games changed all of us, just like it changed her. Her old self disappeared, so did Finnick, but she is insinuating that the Finnick I knew was a lesser version that the Finnick that only existed with her. I don't know that anybody can negate her logic. But as I sit here and analyze Finnick, I am reminded of something Haymitch once told me, that no one decent ever wins the Games, that had I been on my own in those games, I would have never had a reason to win such a vile Game. I then think of Annie and I know that she won without taking a life, by hiding out of sheer fear, and eventually outlived everyone that drowned in her Arena. But then what does that say about Finnick, Haymitch, Johanna, and Katniss. Perhaps, like anyone else in love, we never want to see the bad qualities of the ones we would die for.

After a month of sitting in the hospital I am given the clear to leave the hospital but not the Capitol, which makes me incredibly anxious. Ivy and I have been given an apartment to stay in, at first they had suggested the training center but I flipped out so that idea was quickly tossed. Shortly thereafter I received a notice that I am to present myself for a Victors' meeting. So today, I find myself in a car on my way to the military quarters of the Capitol. Anxiety doesn't begin to describe how I feel, the only reason I agree to it is because Paylor is personally escorting me. I know that she is on my side and that she knows what Coin tried to do. She keeps telling me that everything will be taken care of, and thankfully she is leaving me out of those plans. She knows that I am done. However, she doesn't know what this meeting is about so she is extra alert.

When I arrive I find Annie pacing around the door and when she sees me she walks into my arms with an embrace.

"I can't believe we are back here." She says nervously.

"It's okay Annie – nobody is going to do anything. We are surrounded by rebels that support us." I say.

She pulls away and looks around. "I don't trust any of them Peeta." I stare at her and I see that she's not manic, this is herself, perceptive and wise. I look down the hall and I see Haymitch walking towards us with Johanna at his side. Like before, Johanna looks menacing.

"I'm going inside." Annie tells me sternly, clearly she doesn't care to interact with Johanna. I just nod understanding.

I wait for Haymitch and Johanna to approach us. I want to give Johanna a hug but the look she gives me tells me that she doesn't need it or want it. "Hey." I say to her wondering what is going on in that head of hers.

"Hi Peeta." She tells me in a way that tells me that this is all she can offer. She continues to withdraw herself. I just nod at her and gesture for all of us to walk inside.

My heart stops when I see Katniss sitting at the table. For a moment I think I'm imagining it. "Katniss…" I cry out and she looks at me. My heart grows cold because I see that same look, that same disconnected look full of resentment, trauma, and hatred, the same look Johanna has been walking around with.

"Hello Peeta." She tells me, completely void of feeling.

I make my way towards the chair closest to me and I stumble as I try to find my footing, the room seems to have grown colder. I look towards Johanna and I notice that she's standing staring straight ahead, menacingly offering a sadistic smile. I haven't seen this look since the Arena, right after she killed someone. I look in the direction she's staring and I almost fall off the chair. It's Enobaria staring straight back at Johanna offering the very same look. Somehow I catch her attention and Enobaria looks at me.

"Peeta Mellark – wow – you've really grown up." She tells me.

"It's been a long time." I say to her.

"Six years – although for me staying in the Capitol as its captive made it feel like an eternity."

I'm shocked because I had no reason to think that she would have been held by the Capitol.

She laughs. "Did you think I'd be their pet." She tells me. "Thanks to your girl Katniss, here, the Rebels released me because of that contract Coin signed to absolve any Victor of treason. Not that it really applies to me because I had no idea that there was a rebellion spewing."

I don't know what to say, I don't have to ask to know that she was not tortured. She looks unchanged and uncaring. I look away from her and then Beetee strolls in in his chair and Annie sits next to me to squeeze my hand.

Haymitch then walks out only to come back in accompanied by Coin. I wasn't expecting her and it takes everything inside of me to not destroy her right then and there. She meets my eyes and smiles smugly, feeling that she totally got away with her plot to destroy us. The moment I think of Prim I want to kill her, but I remember that something else is being done to out her and I shouldn't say a word. I look at Katniss and I know instantly that she has no clue. I look at her hands and they can't stop shaking. Without a doubt she's abusing morphling again. I look at her neck and I can see that the once raw blistering flesh has healed, but not like mine. The skin looks unnaturally pink and tight.

Coin doesn't waste any time. She proceeds to explain that there is plenty of work to be done and we must hear everybody's demands, especially from the districts. A major issues has come up that has split the fast forming parliament as they represent their districts. What sort of punishment should be inflicted on the Capitol.

Beetee interrupts her. "Hasn't the war been punishment enough – the Capitol was suffering these past couple of years. People starved to death, the way we did for years."

Coin smiles tightly. "No Beetee, the war is not enough. And while I see your point and even agree, we cannot ignore the voice of the people of Panem. Everyone now has a say."

Haymitch cuts her off again. "What are they saying Coin. Just tell us – what do they want and what does it have to do with us?" He asks.

Coins stares at him for a moment. "Well – the biggest topic of debate is the Hunger Games. How do you make the Capitol residents understand how deeply they wounded us? How do you teach them a lesson that makes them understand that they can't ever do what they did to us for so long?" She says. Then she says it. "A good number of parliament members suggested that we have one final Hunger Games, made up of Capitol children, all reaped, the way each one of you was reaped…" She lets the words linger in the air.

I want to scream but my voice isn't working. I just squeeze the edge of the table. I then reach out to take Annie's hand when I hear her begin to cry. Even mild mannered Beetee looks outraged. I look back at Coin.

"There was so much debate about this for and against and some that even went back and forth. So we decided that this is a matter of poetic justice and that we, don't have the right to decide." She says. I feel increasingly terrified. "We agreed that it's up to you, the survivors to decide the fate of their punishment. Your vote will determine the outcome."

For me, there isn't anything to think about. It's an obvious no for all of us but I'm instantly proven wrong.

"I vote yes." Enobaria says triumphantly. "Let them have a taste of their own medicine."

"I vote yes." Johanna calls out and my heart feels like it's been dropped in an ice box. I close my eyes and my head falls. I can't hold back the tears. How can she do that. I hear Annie cry even harder now and she squeezes my hand. I open my eyes and glare reproachfully at Johanna, I can tell that she's averting my eyes on purpose. But there is no doubt that she means it, it's her nature.

Beetee then speaks up sounding more panicked than he did that day in the Quell, when his plan came under. "No! Absolutely no. People are angry right now, and they will regret it. Worst, we will continue a cycle. We do it once and people will ask for more – we have to put a stop to it. Otherwise what did we fight for."

I feel so grateful for him this moment. "I vote no!" I scream. "I agree with you completely Beetee – it's a terrible precedence and we are supposed to be better!" I scream at Coin and I feel so lost because the look in her face tells me that she's satisfied, she enjoys hurting us like this.

Annie's sobs continue to get louder and I turn to her to comfort her. When I do she manages to catch her breath and she speaks out. "I vote no, because it's wrong. And because if Finnick were here, he would have said no too… How can you do this to him!" She screams at Johanna and Johanna finally looks at us but she offers us nothing. Just a cold hateful expression rests on her face. It hurts me deeply but nothing in this world could prepare me for Katniss.

"I vote yes." Katniss says steadily as she stares at the ground. I instantly look at her and I am numb for a second and I'm convinced that my heart has stopped.

I jump to my feet and I feel like I hate her all over again. "How can you do that?!" I scream furiously at her. "After what we lived through, what they did to us, how Rue died…! How!" I cry to her.

She looks up at me, coolly, and responds. "How can I vote yes? All I have to do is close my eyes and I see Prim – my little sister blown apart, I can feel pieces of her splatter on my body. All I have to do is close my eyes to see her disappear from this world. And that is all I need to vote yes."

I fall back on the chair and clutch on to Annie who is now practically in my arms.

Coin speaks up. "It's tie – three yes, three no." she announces dramatically as if we couldn't do the math. "Haymitch – you're the deciding vote."

I close my eyes in anticipation of the worst because I can hear myself say it over and over again over the years. Haymitch and Katniss are the same.

"Yes." He says. At this point I feel Annie pull away from my arms and she runs out of the room crying.

Coin swiftly jumps to her feet. "Great I'll report it back to parliament to begin the preparations." And in a second she's gone. In a second, we changed history.

I open my eyes and I must be glaring at Katniss because she reproaches me for it.

"Always so above all of us… Don't you dare judge me." She tells me.

"You are vile to the core Katniss." I tell her and she looks wounded I can tell. I continue "No wonder your mother wants nothing to do with you."

Without looking at me she nods.

I stand up to find Annie. When I step outside Ivy and Silas look worried.

"What happened? Annie was inconsolable." She looks frightened.

I can't even say it. "I just want to fucking leave today Ivy – I can't be here another day." I tell her. She just nods. "Where did Annie go?" I ask her.

"Hum she wondered into that room" She points in the direction. "She said she needed a moment alone."

I nod understanding. "I'll go see her." I begin to walk away and Ivy and Silas let me go alone. I arrive to the door. I open it and the first thing I see are Annie's feet swaying midair in the middle of the room. Something painful begins to crawl up my throat and it hurts and tastes vile. I fall to my side, I think I fainted and I close my eyes hoping that I'm hallucinating but then I look up and I see all of her. Swaying back and forth from a cord that is tied to a pipe in the ceiling. I look at the chord and I recognize the snooze, I remember learning it in the Training Center. Finally the bitter scream escapes me and I'm alert again. I run to her feet and I climb the table she used. I hold on to her torso and pull it up. Then Silas appears at the door and he's talking but I don't hear him. I just hold her up. My hand is across her chest and I don't feel a heartbeat. I register that Silas is trying to help. He jumps on the table, he's taller than me and he effortlessly reaches up and cuts the chord. I catch her body and I fall on the table.

Silas works through me and checks her. But I quickly realize that there is nothing he can do because he withdraws and slowly walks towards Ivy at the doorway. She's gone, I know it, I knew it the moment I walked in and saw her, floating midair, as always looking like a creature from out this world. A cradle her in my arms and run my fingers through her beautiful long hair. In the distance I can hear Johanna's voice, demanding to know what is going on and to come in to the room. I look up and I see her make her way to the doorway, she looks at us then she looks at what's left of the chord hanging from the ceiling. She screams and falls back but Silas is there to catch her. He swiftly pulls her out of the room but not before I see the look in her eyes, they are full of remorse, feeling, compassion, guilt, and heartbreak. Why did it take Annie's death to make that happen.

A group of medics run in and it takes them and Ivy a very long time to make me let her go. Before they take her out I scream at them and I demand to take her remains to District 4 as soon as possible. I lean back against the wall and I find Ivy's eyes, which are completely unraveled. She doesn't know what to do, and I must look like a mad man because she's not coming to my arms. She begins to pace around and she walks past the desk. She stops and sees something on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and I can see that it's a piece of paper. Her hand is shaking and she begins to sob out loud. I run to her side and rip the paper out of her hands. It reads

Peeta,

I'm free.

* * *

After that day – I refused to stay in the Capitol another day. I spoke to the doctors, including Jon, and Plutarch and I was the first interrogated by soldiers, to see if I might have known anything about an assassination plot. Paylor cleared me immediately and she told me that she would be sure to protect Katniss. I have to trust her, more importantly I have to let her go. Jon tells me that I can complete my treatments in District 2, which works out because Ivy can finish her medical school work there. Ivy and I agree to live in 2 for the time being.

But first we took Annie's ashes to 4. There we went to the same spot where she spilled Finnick's ashes. It's a beautiful, a cliff overlooking a beautiful sea green ocean, it's like looking deep into their eyes. Ivy hands me the soft pouch holding Annie's remains. I begin to feel depressed because all my wounds begin to feel raw, the most recent and all the ones that have physically faded.

"Annie." I whisper to the small bag. "You were my home my darling, when I needed it most. Remember those cages" I let out a sob at the thought of our torture and I find my breath again. "But I'm not going to talk about that. That. I'm sorry, I shouldn't. It's behind you now." I compose myself. "You know you were the only spiritual person I ever knew, I didn't grow up believing in anything greater than us, you came to me with myths and beliefs of an afterlife that is tied to the sea. You would describe a beautiful haven out there in the universe and right now… I need to believe in it too. It's all over but why does it all hurt that much more as I look back and think of everything. - If you find that happy place out there in the universe, and when you find it… please take me with you when it's my time" I begin to cry again and it takes me a long while to compose myself again. I then open up the pouch and I begin to let it drizzle as the wind catches it below and spreads the delicate powder onto the ocean. "Good bye my friend" I cry sadly as I watch the last grain leave the soft pouch. And then there's nothing. I know that the violent world that saw her grow up was too much for her fragile spirit.

Back in town, people keep coming up to me and Ivy. Opening their doors to us, all knew Finnick and Annie and each offer me what I consider treasures. Albums and home videos of each and the two together. Back in the inn where Ivy and I are staying we look through these treasures. The two grew up together, holding hands in each picture. Annie has so much life in her eyes, and I realize how much was missing inside of her by the time I met her. We find a video of Finnick and Annie, they switch with the cameras as they record each other and mockingly interview each other. Finnick finally pulls the camera away and holds it to record the two at the same time. He sits behind her and cradles her between his legs. He wraps one arm around her waist and kisses her neck. He tells her that this video will be for their children, what would she like to tell them. She looks into the camera and says – hello kids, look at us, look at your mom and dad – how beautiful we were – and how in love we are. She then sweetly looks up at Finnick and he looks at her as though he were worshiping her. He leans down and kisses her deeply. He then dropped the camera and you hear the two giggling. Ivy and I cry ourselves to sleep that night, but we also feel grateful for these gifts.

That night I'm in the foreign room that is this apartment and I feel cold. I can't stop shaking even though Ivy already have me a sedative. She coaxes me into eating soup, she even offers to bake bread. I watched her prepare it from one room. She constantly looks at me, her eyes full of concern. I know I told her what happened at that meeting, she didn't say anything she didn't have to. She just broke down and cried and I ended up comforting her. I finally begin to feel something warm as I watch her. In all this horror, I feel love for her, and I fully appreciate every little thing she does for me. Anyone would have run screaming but not her. I stand up and walk towards he and throw my arms around her. She hugs me back and kisses my cheek over and over again and then I turn my head towards her and kiss her.

"I love you – I would be lost without you." I tell her desperately because I feel as if anything precious to me is on the verge of extinguishing from existence.

She smiles. "I love you too."

She then offers me a piece of warm bread, which radiates warmth and love throughout my whole being the moment I taste it. I look at Ivy who takes a bite of it. Her eyes widen with enthusiasm.

"Oh wow." She exclaims, feeling proud of herself. She then stares at me and it's as if I'm communicating with her just by looking at her, she feels it too.

She stops and looks at her bread, then at me. "For Annie." She says warmly, and I welcome the warm loving thought.

The next day Plutarch pays me a visit. He tells me that I can take Annie's ashes only after Snow's public execution. He's not even through the door as he spills the good news. He seems thrilled over the spectacle. He never seizes to amaze me, even after this war, he still thinks about entertainment. Over the years in 13, I did an amazing job at tuning him out. But this time I don't because the big spectacle includes Katniss and how in the arena where Tributes were paraded, Snow will be tied to a post and Katniss dressed as the Mockingjay will shoot a single arrow.

"I'm surprised she can kill anyone else after what happened with Prim." I say sadly. Then I motion him to come inside. "Is there anything else you wanted…"

He cuts me off. "Actually I'm not sticking around. There is someone that wanted to see you."

I look at him not knowing who to expect and I look behind him but I see no one. I raise my eyebrows to inquire and he reaches to the side and pulls a woman towards the doorway. I look at her and then I look at Plutarch, wondering what this could be about. I look at the woman again, she's small, frail, uncomfortably thin – like everyone else in the Capitol, and I notice her eyes welling with tears. This makes me stare at her again.  
"What is this?" I ask nervously because I have an increasing sense of anxiety.

Just then the woman finally speaks up. "My beautiful boy." She reaches out to touch my face.

Her voice finally tugs at my memory and my mind races to add the makeup to her face, the dramatic ridiculous wigs, and I add the impossibly high heels. I throw my arms around her. "Effie." I whisper. And She finally lets out a happy laugh. I pull away and pull her inside. I don't even notice that Plutarch has left.

"Last time we saw each other I was the one that couldn't recognize you." She says sadly, haunted really, by that emaciated tortured 17 year old. But then a big bright beaming smile finds her lips. "But look at you. You're a man now…" She runs her hand to my cheek again. "You even have a beard!" She laughs.

"I like it." I say to her.

"Peeta I heard about Annie – I'm so sorry. I heard about everything, Finnick, Johanna, Katniss… everyone." She pauses for a second. "I heard about Johanna being pregnant, can you imagine her raising a child!" She says in horror and I can't help but laugh. But then I remember how she voted to continue the Hunger Games, and I am too horrified.

"What about you Effie – I was certain you were dead. I couldn't imagine anything else." I say honestly and desperate to change the topic.

"They had me under house arrest, in isolation for years Peeta. I guess that's all the torture I needed. No access to things, glamour, lights, makeup, clothes, people. They gave me small rations of food and water when they remembered." She says sadly and I squeeze her hand. "Nothing like what they did to you. I can't complain."

"Yes you can." I assure her.

"No – then one day Rebel spies found me and broke me out, then I went into hiding. But things just got tougher and tougher and it's really easy to hide in public when you resemble nothing like you did before."

I nod understanding. Then I hear Ivy's voice behind me. "Peeta?" I turn around and she's standing in her soft pink robe. She slept in today, the night before we spend it making love. I feel smitten by her this moment, the way she stands, coyly, not expecting any company after the night we had. Her hair lays wild around her. I stand up and I look at Effie and she can't take her eyes off Ivy.

"this is Effie, Effie."

Ivy's face falls because I'm sure the woman standing in front of us is a total misrepresentation of the woman we all remember.

"Who is this Peeta?" Effie inquires and I look back at her as she looks over Ivy carefully. I walk over to Ivy and I take her hand in mine.

"Effie – this is Ivy – my girlfriend." I say laughing because it doesn't seem like enough. "She's so much more actually." Effie's face falls flat I look at her understanding she was the biggest fan of mine and Katniss's relationship. "Effie – she was, she's been with me since before the Games."

Now she looks disappointed but she shakes whatever thought she had away. She smiles nervously. "Of course." She says nervously still shaking her head. "This is unexpected." She walks over to Ivy and extends her hand out and Ivy takes it as she smiles at her. "Wow – you are a stunner!" She exclaims trying to erase the awkwardness. And she doesn't need to say it, she realizes the position that Katniss and I were in, what we had to do and say to survive. Ivy excuses herself to clean up. When she gets back we have tea together and we talk. Seeing Effie is lovely, her spirit is intact, and for that I'm grateful. She finally excuses herself and thanks Ivy for everything.

I walk her out. Outside on the street she turns to me and hugs me.

"Peeta this is the beginning our new friendship." She tells me excitedly and I welcome it. "You're free, I'm free, and no matter where we end up you can count on me." She tells me warmly. She hugs me again and when she pulls away I see the curiosity in her eyes but she doesn't ask. Instead she shakes her head and laughs nervously.

So I answer her anyway. "It was true Effie." She stares at me, startled. "I did love her, I would have died to save her, I would have done anything. That wasn't an act. And in the middle of our journey she fell in love with me too." I smile at her and she tears up again. "But you know life is never simple – there was a lot more to me than anyone ever knew… A lot that I underestimated" I say bitterly

"Like Ivy." She responds.

I nod. "She's just one person in my life that makes up a part of me. I've been through hell and back with her. I'm still standing because of her. Because I'm happy to know that after everything that happened to me, I want peace, love, and even forgiveness. Ivy gives me that."

"So she's like you then?"

"Yes. Not entirely but I'd like to think that we have those qualities in common." I say smiling.

She wipes a tear. "Well you deserve it." She says proudly. "And she is gorgeous!" She exclaims. "Don't let Plutarch go anywhere near her.

I laugh at the thought. "I'll be sure not to, but if he approached her for anything, I would just sit back and let her handle it. She's tough."

"She must be…" She then reaches into her tiny clutch bag and pulls out a card. "Here's where I'll be, please call me, come see me, whatever you need… I want to know where you're going. Okay."

"Of course." I hug her again feeling very grateful. "I'm not going to lose you Effie – because I love you and I've lost too much." She chokes up and covers her mouth to hold back a sob. She just squeezes my hand.

"My beautiful boy." She smiles proudly and walks away.

* * *

The next month I sit around anxiously counting the days. I'm not sleeping much, my nightmares are back full force, the worst one is still the one of losing Katniss. I wake up screaming her name, desperately looking for her. Worst, I am beginning to see the resentment in Ivy's eyes. I try to make it better, I have decided to let go of Katniss, especially after what she did. I'm extra attentive with Ivy, I tell her how much I love her, I try to show her more and more when we're in bed together. The only time that I feel her completely connected with me. Between moans and breathlessness I tell her and show her how much she means to me. But I worry that the effect of my words and caresses are lost when I wake up desperately looking for Katniss. I keep telling her that the stress of being in the Capitol is too much and that once I'm away from here everything will get better.

Thankfully, I have plenty to do to keep me busy. Between my physical therapy to recovery from the burned wounds and the tests and therapy I have to go through to deal with the hijacking – I have my schedule filled.

When the day finally arrives, I'm disgusted by show of it all. As soon as I arrive to the arena, the City Center, I am accosted by stylists. I want to run because in my head I can hear the explosion that almost ended everything for me. Without asking, Ivy hands me more than enough sedatives and she looks at me knowingly, she too looks disgusted and the only way to get through this is with drugs. In the distance I find Johanna standing idle, staring back at me. My body fills with chills and I have to look away from her. I breathe through the anxiety of her betrayal – that's exactly it – I feel as though she stabbed me in the back. She must know that. I see Ivy and she stares sadly at her.

"I have to go to her Peeta." I'm shocked to hear her say this and before I can say anything she's off. I stare after Ivy and I see Johanna is also bewildered. Ivy warmly places her hand on her shoulders and says something to her that makes Johanna smile. She then hugs her, then Ivy reaches down and tentatively reaches towards her stomach and Johanna nods yes. Ivy then reaches out and places her hand on her abdomen. Only then do I notice the small bump forming. There are so many mixed emotions when I see it – I cannot decipher through it.

All the remaining Victors are then instructed to move towards the city center. I can't help but feel nervous and scared because I trust nothing here. Especially if Coin is calling the shots, for all I know she may blast us form existence with one explosion. Once again, the large gate opens before me, to put me on display. As I begin to walk I see the large audience and I can tell something is very different. I look at the faces of the Capitol residents, they are not the same. They are forever changed. Their silence is louder than any thunderous applause I heard. They are done with this, they don't appreciate it, they've learned their lessons. I look ahead and finally Snow formalizes in my field of vision. He looks feeble, weak, and hunched over. He's wearing a beaming white suit. The sight of him makes me feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I don't even think I care to watch him die. Perhaps I can turn my back when the moment comes. Then something else catches my attention, above him is that balcony where Snow sat to admire the victims as we were paraded for his entertainment. I see her, Coin, standing proud and tall. She's wearing an elaborate gray suit, the fanciest thing I've seen her wear. This gives me a bigger reaction, my blood turns cold, there is no doubt in my mind we are replacing a tyrant with another. I feel sad and sick. I look around the arena, and I see Paylor looking around. I can see the disgust in her eyes. I feel hopeful because I truly believe that Coin will not stand for long.

I am disrupted by deafening trumpets and I turn towards the gate. I see a chariot riding, with Katniss on it. My heart speeds up because I want to believe desperately that she must hate this, a part of her hates all of this. I want to rip her away from all of this but I remind myself that she wants vengeance now, nothing more. The chariot rides ahead of us. She climbs out and she's only a few yards away from me and everything begins to happen fast. She looks at me sadly and all I can do is stare back at her. Try as we might, we are lost to each other. She proceeds to walk towards her mark, she looks back at me one last time and I don't recognize the look in her eyes. She looks defeated, deranged, and besides herself. I stare ahead and see Snow, I can tell he's coughing hard and blood begins to drip down his mouth. I'm taken aback.

I then turn my attention to Katniss as she pulls back the string of her bow, with an arrow armed and ready to go. My heart begins to speed up and I feel myself tremble. The old familiar feeling of the claws of fear climbing up my back succumbs me. Snow begins to cough again and he crouches over again heaving. Even though he's tied up, he's still a moving target. I keep looking between Snow and Katniss then I notice Katniss's head pull away a little as if to re-assess her pray. She then leans her head again and I notice it, it happens quick but she tilts her bow upward.

My heart stops. "Katniss." I whisper, and all I can do is follow the arrow flying through the sky to meet its target. It's not Snow. Instead, it hits Coin right in the chest. I begin to move forward towards Katniss, anticipating that she will need my protection. I see Coin collapse, and if the arrow didn't kill her that 30 foot drop did, I know it. I stop when I see Snow laughing as he begins to cough uncontrollably and his eyes widen and he stares at the sky. His body falls limp against the ropes holding him and blood expels from his mouth. Then I see it, a rush of soldiers coming towards her, but they are led by Paylor. She wouldn't hurt her, I know it. I look at Katniss who has now fallen to her knees I then see her turn to look at her shoulder as she opens her mouth. I then remember the night lock pill, as a soldier I was not allowed to have one because of my state of mind. I rush to her side and quickly grip her shoulder with my hand. Just then, I feel Katniss's teeth gripping at my knuckles. She looks up at me completely confused and then she realizes what I've done. I've ruined her suicide mission and her expression is unforgiving. She pushes me away but I'm gripping the pocket so hard that as she escapes my grip I ripped the pocket off her suit. She's furious and I stand there clutching the pill in my hand. Only then do I hear the screams the madness that is happening around us, and the full force of its implications, there has been a major assassination. Katniss assassinated Coin and the citizens are besides themselves running for their lives.

Finally, Paylor and her soldiers reach us and they grab on to Katniss, not to hurt her, more likely to protect her. As she's being carried off I hear her cry desperately for Gale. I can see her thrashing and looking around desperately, crying for Gale to help her. I look around expecting to see him run to her but he's nowhere to be found. The sadness and the desperation of her voice calling for him breaks my heart. I then see the crowds rushing out of the arena. I then remember Ivy, this is madness and I don't want her to be hurt. I look at Katniss who is now being carried off screaming and I realize that there is nothing I can do for her so I run in search of Ivy. I have to let go.


	47. Chapter 47

**7 months later**

Gale

Gale finds himself walking through the streets of 2. He enters a shop that is now familiar to him, he likes buying tools there and when he doesn't need anything he still likes to walk in and look around, also to talk to the owner who has become a hunting buddy of his. He doesn't buy anything and realizes he needs to get back to study and rest up before he has another early morning at work. As he approaches the door he stops because he sees Ivy arguing with a man that looks familiar. He finally realizes that it's Jon, Dr. Thrive. He doesn't want to walk out in fear that they will see him because whatever is happening between them seems intimate, as if he shouldn't interrupt. He is taken aback when he sees Jon grab her by her arms and pulls her towards him to kiss her. She resists and pushes him away. He can't hear what she says but he looks crushed. He then walks away from her. People are staring at her and he feels bad because of how she was left to stand there alone. He decides to rush in. He opens the door and walks past her, but then he stops and acts surprised.

"Ivy!" he realizes that he has to be dramatic since she's in daze and otherwise she would not have seen him.

She snaps out of is startled to see him. "Gale."

He smiles at her and embraces her. "Hey" When he pulls back. "What, it wasn't enough that you had to outshine every girl in 12 and 13, you've come to 2."

She looks composed now and shoots him a tense look, their familiar banter is still intact.

"Crazy seeing you here – let me invite you to lunch." He insists and gently grabs her elbow and nudges her away from the scene where people are still staring at her and he pretends not to notice as she shoots dirty looks back at the people. He can't help but smile. They get to a café where they sit down to eat and talk. He mostly listens as she tells him that she and Peeta have been living in 2 where she is finishing her school work and Peeta continues to work on this therapy. She then asks about Katniss.

"well, after she was found not guilty for reasons of insanity, she was cleared of any crimes. Obviously they held the stupid trial to appease Coin's supporters. But it wasn't hard to defend her case – she's gone." Gale says bitterly. "Besides, they also did demand that she spend the rest of her life in 12. So much for our new found freedom." He says cynically.

"I'm so sorry Gale. I know how hard it is to try to reach the one you love, when their mind is absent. It's like you're looking at a shell of them." She reaches out and squeezes his hand. "So what brings you to 2?" She asks.

He stares at her for a second and he realizes her mistake. He laughs. "Oh – no. Ivy I live here. I'm finishing an engineering degree and I have a job. A great job…" He says.

She is surprised and quickly realizes that it's military related, after all this is District 2 and he was quite the military weapon success in 13. "But – what about Katniss?" She asks.

Gale takes a deep breath and stares at her for a second. "Ivy – I couldn't do it. I can't live with her, be with her, when there is an abyss between us. She will forever look at me and only see Prim destroyed." He says bitterly.

"You didn't do that Gale." She insists.

"I know that – but it was my weapon, my trap, my idea that destroyed her – Prim." Ivy squeezes his hand harder "Then there's the other major obstacle – Peeta. I stayed in the Capitol with her, and every night, she called out for him, looking for him…" He stops speaking when he sees the look in her eyes, a feeling she knows all too well. "You know, I tolerated more before, how many times she called for him in the throes of passion." He laughs. "I'm not doing it anymore. I'll take Prim, I'll own it, but I won't carry a ghost with her. I have every intention of moving forward and forgiving myself, but I will not share a bed with a woman that is haunted by someone else or dreams of someone else… same difference" He then leans in and stares knowingly into her eyes "A person that should be with someone else. I realized that I'm the obstacle, not the other way around."

Gale notices the hard resentful expression in her face.

"You know I'm right." He presses.

"Don't go there." Ivy tells him warningly.

"Why are you doing this to yourself. I saw you and Jon." He finally confesses and she looks alarmed. "I saw the way you were fighting – there's passion there and I think it goes both ways. Which means, the door to your heart has opened and Peeta is on his way out.

"Shut your mouth." She warns him.

"Fine – tell me you didn't feel anything when he kissed you, hell how many times has he kissed you?" He pushes.

"It's not like that." She says, looking more composed.

"Okay then. What if I were to ask you to come back to my place.." She looks shocked at him. "Yes, for that."

She stares outraged at him at first but then she laughs. "why the hell would I do that? What would that tell you?"

Gale smiles. "A few things, the fact that you clearly thought about it tells me that you are flattered and intrigued" She glares at him. "And who knows – you may resolve everything you're feeling." He tells her seriously.

Her good humor escapes her because the moment is too serious. "I'm going to go now." She stands up and he follows suit but as she passes him, she turns to look at him again. "you were always an arrogant asshole you know that." Gale nods and smiles at her but then grabs her elbow and turns her, with his other hand he cradles the back of her neck allowing him to kiss her, hard and deeply.

* * *

Ivy

To her surprise she kisses him back and she feels excitement run through her, not the way she felt when Jon kissed her. When Jon has kissed her it makes her feel like she's burning up and desperately wants to cave in but she can't because the implications are too much for her to process. Yet, there is something fun and intriguing about this kiss, which is why she accepts it and even kisses him back.

When he pulls away he looks into her eyes. "Come on Ivy." He insists.

She stares at him and wants to but she snaps out of this ridiculous situation and she feels outraged all over again. He sees it and so before she can say anything he hands her a card.

"If you change your mind and want to figure things out come find me." He says and he winks at her.

She hates that what he just said is true. There are so many feelings in her. On one side there is Peeta, how can she sum up everything that she feels for him but she feels guilty that as of late resentment is outweighing everything else. As for Jon, she knows she hasn't been able to stop thinking about him. Not since the day he risked his life to save her. She remembers that terrible day, being ripped out of the comfort of Peeta's arms, dragged into the night, then thrown into a dark hole in that maze hellhole that is 13. Somehow, Jon found her, he kept the two hidden, and managed to get her and her loved ones on a craft leaving 13 to District 8. She remember how he bravely told her what she already knew, that he had fallen madly in love with her the moment he laid eyes on her. It was the first time he kissed her but she was too shell shocked to respond. But she did remember how her heart was racing in her chest at his admission. She can't deny how he has slowly begun take over every part of her, to the point that she can't stop thinking about him, and that at night, she can't wait till morning so that she can see him. Her guilt is easily bypassed when she sees Peeta go through the motions of their life together, his mind always far away, with Katniss no doubt. She can't even finish the nights in the same bed with him, hearing him wake up screaming for her has been tearing at something inside of her but she doesn't know what to make of it.

And now, hearing Gale's logic is unnerving and it's not because he's wrong. She completely understands his logic and he's right. Come what may she can't continue living in these circumstances, especially after everything she has survived. She has been waiting to begin the rest of her life. She looks at the card and begins to walk until she finds herself at Gale's door. She knocks and Gale comes to the door. For a second he does seem surprised to see her there but then he shows a triumphant smile.

She doesn't have to say anything, they both know why she's there. He swiftly wraps his arms around her waist and hoists her off the floor pulling her inside his apartment. She brings her arms to his strong arms and she stares into his unnerving steely grey eyes. He leans in and kisses her lips teasingly. She's surprised by how natural this feels. He takes them to his bedroom where they collapse on the bed. Between kisses and caresses they undress each other. He tells her just how exquisitely beautiful she is. The feeling of him is hard, bruit, but satisfying. It's bitter sweet. He easily gets her off again and again and she loves every second of it. More importantly she finally stops tearing her head in two over Peeta and Jon.

After, they are both on their sides looking at each other, and they both begin to giggle at the same time.

"Thank you," She says politely.

This makes him laugh more. "Way to make me feel like I just delivered a service." And they both laugh at the choice of his words.

"No." She manages to say. "I mean, I'm just being polite. That was very satisfying – it's what I needed."

He runs his fingers through her hair and proceeds to play with it. "Me too." He says. "You know – just a thought, but if you and I were to make more of this we would hands down make the most beautiful babies in all of Panem."

She begins to laugh. "You are conceited…"

"You know I remember being in school and getting these adorable notes from girls one of which listed all of the girls that thought I was the most BEAUTIFUL boy in school. And I remember seeing your name." He says teasingly.

She thinks back and there probably several silly notes passed around like that, and of course he is right, Gale was always the most impressive boy in school. "Who else was on the list?" She asks.

"I don't remember, I just remember your name."

"Why?" she asks.

"Because – the most attractive boy in school would naturally know to find the most beautiful girl in school." He say teasing.

She stops laughing. "Even more so than Katniss?"

His good humor leaves him and he sighs. "Katniss's name was never on those lists – I wonder if she ever saw me that way." He then looks at her curiously. "Did Peeta look at you that way? Or were you just a practical choice for him too?"

She feels cold by his sentiment and nods. "No. I mean – I was more than that. Johanna told me that when he was in the Capitol, mad and far from sanity, the only thing that brought him back was me. He would describe me as the most beautiful girl in the world…" she says sadly.

He sits up against his headboard. "Good. And I guess I'm not surprised – Peeta was never blind. He knew how to truly appreciate a moment, a person, and truly live in it."

Ivy can't help but laugh as she fondly thinks of Peeta's grand romantic gestures. "He sure does. He did with me and he certainly did with Katniss. He fucking used the Games as a stage to profess his love. Now or never… You have to hand it to him." She laughs sadly.

"And Madge." Gale says.

Ivy turns to him, surprised to hear her name. She knew about the two of them, Madge told her about it. "You actually sound resentful about that?" Ivy stares at him. "Do you think about her?"

He smiles. "Yes. It's sad and crazy but I feel as though she was the only person that loved me completely, and I was so young and stupid…"

"Well you have to fix that. Be good to yourself, let yourself be loved and love somebody, you deserve it." She leans in and kisses him. "I have to get going. Thank you for this – I'm not sure why but I think it helped." She stands up and starts to put her clothes back on. She turns to see him because she can feel his eyes on her.

"Do you feel like you betrayed Peeta? Do you honestly feel that you were unfaithful to him?" He asks and she feels cold because he just hit the nail on the head. It's the reality she wants to avoid.

She nods. "No." And she feels all chocked up because with that she opened up the door to the truth.

He stands up and walks towards her. "Jon?"

And she nods. "Yes." Gale is there to wipe the tears from her face and he leans down to kiss her and then he embraces her.

"As much as this moment hurts Ivy, it's going to get better. You're a brave girl, you deserve to be happy – you deserve to be with someone that would walk across a fire for you. We both know Peeta is not it – he gave his heart away a long time ago. And maybe he doesn't like that reality and is desperately trying to change things but now he's just lying to himself and you."

Ivy nods agreeing completely. "Yeah – he can't ignore it anymore. I mean – he literally walked into a fire for her, time and time again."

"We don't need to burn with them." He tells her. He walks her to the door and kisses her one last time at the door. She turns around and begins to walk away.

She hears him knock on the wall which makes her turn around and see him leaning against the doorway looking her over. "Please, do stay in touch, girl." He winks at her flirtatiously and she laughs.

"I will. And take care." With that he closes the door and she heads back to her shared apartment with Peeta.

As soon as she walks in and sets her things down there is a knock on the door, she's startled to see Jon on the other side.

"What are you doing here?" She asks.

He then rushes inside and clutches at her shoulders. "What were you doing in Gale's apartment. I saw you two, I saw that he kissed you and I saw that you went to his place." He's practically foaming at the mouth and Ivy's heart breaks because she has officially betrayed him.

"I'm sorry." She begins to cry.

* * *

Peeta

As I approach the door to my place I can hear voices, it's Ivy but someone else. There's yelling but I can't make out what is being said. I rush to the door and I realize that it's open. I storm in feeling nervous and I find Ivy and Jon standing in close proximity but Ivy jumps back the moment I walk in. She's clearly crying and so is he and there is no point in denying it. Ivy looks frightened to see me, as if I walked in on something. And the truth is, I do feel as if I'm intruding on something very serious a private moment, very intimate. So much so that I want to disappear. I look at Ivy and her eyes are on me, waiting to see what I do next.

"I'm sorry. Clearly I'm interrupting. I'll let you two finish here." I say awkwardly and a part of me knows that should not be my reaction. I look at Jon and he's averting my eyes, he just covers his mouth as if to contain himself. As I walk away, I look at Ivy, and she looks disappointed. The moment I see her eyes, my blood turns cold but I exit the room no less. I then hear the door close and I come out.

I find Ivy sobbing softly as she sits on a chair.

"What the hell is going on? What was that about?" I ask sternly and I begin to feel angry, possessive and jealous.

She stops crying and laughs. "Now you care?" She looks at me. She looks away and nods. She takes a deep breath. "I broke his heart." She says honestly and I was not anticipating this, she has never openly talked about his feelings for her, not since that one time in 13. "I… I told him… well he saw me go to Gale's apartment." She says.

I'm taken aback and confused by what she's saying, what the hell does Gale have anything to do with this. But before I can say anything she continues.

"I slept with Gale this afternoon." I'm freezing cold now and I feel the wall catch me behind me. She looks up at me. "I ran into him in the street and he invited me back to his place.."

"And you went!" I scream unthinking.

She just nods yes.

"How can you do that to me?!" I reproach her furiously. "Don't you realize that this is him trying to get back at me! What could he possibly have done or said to make you think it was a good idea!" I scream at her.

"It has nothing to do with you Peeta. And I had sex with him because I no longer feel faithful to you." She says sadly and she begins to cry. "Worst, I do feel like I betrayed somebody, Jon. But not you."

I stand up and walk away from her because this can't be happening. Something inside of me begins to break because I can't lose her. But then my sadness is drowned out by my anger and I storm back into the room. We proceed to fight for what feels like an eternity. Our voices are hoarse and my face feels sticky from tears, and I even feel feverish. Then something dawns on me and I feel angry all over again. "He has an apartment here?" I ask wondering about him, why would he live here.

Ivy turns to look at me in horror and then she begins to reproach me. "Because he lives here Peeta. He goes to school here, and he has a job here, he moved his whole family here!" I let what she tells me sink in and she continues. "He didn't stay with her Peeta." She begins to laugh again. "I was wondering if and how long it would take for your mind to run to her… he walked away from her, from the memory of you, and he sure as hell doesn't ever want to go back to 12, where he saw nothing but misery. Too bad for Katniss, that's the only place she can be." She says cynically and she stands up, grabs her jacket, and makes her way to the door."

"Ivy." I call out to her feeling panicked and she turns to look at me. "What do you feel for Jon?" I ask.

She looks sad. "I'm in love with him Peeta. I deserve to be happy and I look at what we have and what you can offer, and we both know I deserve better. We both deserve to be happy." She says sadly. With that she leaves.

The rest of the evening I feel cold and numb. After some time, I can hear the door open and I can hear her steps. I lay in bed and I feel Ivy climb in and wrap her arms around me. I turn around to face her and I embrace her because there is so much love between us, but clearly it's not the kind that she needs.

"Are you ending things between us?" I ask.

"Yes – I have to Peeta."

"What about our plans?" I ask her.

"I meant what I said, I want go home and that's 12. I want to be there to rebuild, to put it back together."

"Me too." I say honestly.

"Then we make our journey back in a few days, just as we had planned. Do you still want to go to 7? Johanna is going to be due any day now, if she isn't already. I promised her I would be there to deliver myself."

I nod at her. "I don't know what will come of our friendship but I want her to have some of Finnick's things, his pictures, the videos those people gave us…" I say and Ivy nods.

"We're going to be okay Peeta. Delly and Nathan are already waiting for us in 12, we'll have so much to do…" She begins to rationalize what will inevitably be a hard bitter time for us.

"What about Jon?" I ask.

"He was planning on moving to 12 – to help rebuild.." She begins to say but I interrupt her.

"To be near you." I say bitterly and she just nods.

That night I stay on the couch and I can't manage a single moment of sleep because what awaits me now is a world, where Ivy doesn't love me, where I won't marry her, where we won't have children. It's a terrible pain that I can't manage and all I can do is cry because there is nothing I can do about it. Everything that was us, time will leave behind. Nothing will be the same again. I lost her.

I now sit on a train next to Ivy as we head to 7. Thankfully it's not a long ride. When we get off the train we are greeted by Silas. I am thrilled to see him and I hug him extra hard. When he pulls back he looks into my eyes and asks if everything is okay. I tell him that we will talk later. We make our way towards Johanna's new home. From what I was told, she refused to return to the Victor home. As Silas talks I notice that he looks between me and Ivy, obviously sensing the distance and coldness between us.

I then distract him. "So, how are you doing. Is 7 good to you?" I ask.

"Yes." He shoots back beaming. "I love it! When Johanna could walk more we would go hiking in the woods, it's beautiful. I can't believe we were raised to be scared of the woods!' He says laughing. "Oh and I have a dog, as a pet! Who knew…" He tells me overjoyed and I laugh as we follow his lead and stop in front of a house.

"Yes – I remember when I told Jo that we didn't keep dogs in 12."

Then I hear her playful enticing voice behind me. "Right – you eat them instead." Johanna says smiling at me.

My heart aches the moment I see her. I miss her so much, and here she is, a petite woman with a large belly that she holds on to protectively with one hand. I can't help but find her endearing. I walk towards her and I hug her. She hugs me back and I hear her sigh with relief.

"Does this mean you forgive me?" She says, referring to the Hunger Games vote. I pull back.

"Don't mention it anymore. I put it behind me and thankfully they didn't happen anyway, nor will they ever." I say.

"I'm sorry." She says teary eyed.

"Just – put it behind you." I insist. "Can I?" I ask motioning at her belly. She grabs my hand. I smile at her.

Ivy then comes up to us. "Hey. She reaches in and hugs her. So – how are you feeling she says."

Johanna then takes Ivy's hand and walks her inside her house. I look at it really and it's comfy, bigger than her original house, it feels warm, and happy. I look and see Silas gathering wood, preparing to bring it inside. I smile because I know instantly that he's responsible for this change.

Silas and I proceed to go for a hike where I tell him everything. He is utterly disappointed in hearing about our break up and he's furious at Ivy for sleeping with the pompous asshole, as Silas refers to Gale. He was even more shocked that he let Katniss go. I insist that we talk about his life in 7. He tells me that he loves working here, especially now that he is officially a doctor. He loves helping people like this. I then ask him about him and Johanna and his whole face transforms. He says it's a lot of work. He tells me that there are days where she has panic attacks out of fear for her baby. There are days that they are close, very close. But then there are days where she lashes out at him and reproaches him in an effort to push him away. She gives him space but without fail she comes looking for him, apologizing and admitting that she doesn't want to lose him, not ever. He stares in the distance smiling, full of hope.

We're there two days before she goes into labor. Ivy and Silas both assessed that she can have a home delivery. Silas is beside himself, you'd think he's not a doctor. But he focuses and is at Johanna's side the whole time. All I do is pace, go on walks, and read poetry as I wait. She's in labor for a good day. I finally hear the baby's cry and sheer happiness runs through me. I can't contain myself and I run in, when I hear Johanna call for me. I see her sitting on a bed, she looks panicked and I get scared. I look at Silas who is holding the crying baby as Ivy examines the baby. I run towards Johanna's side, she looks terrified. She looks like she's on the verge of a panic attack. I don't know what to say. Then Silas walks towards her and kneels down in front of her.

"Hold your baby Johanna." He tells her smiling and at first Johanna is paralyzed and actually nods no. Silas laughs. "Come on – there is only one thing in this world that is going to make you feel better this moment, and it's him."

"It's a boy." She says surprised. Silas nods. He then just puts the baby against her chest so that she doesn't have a choice but to hold him. When she does she just stares at him and she begins to cry. She relaxes and she cradles him and sways him back and forth. She stares at him and all I can do is observe her.

In the mist of her tears she laughs. "he has Finnick's eyes, look." She says nostalgically. I look down and she's absolutely right, he has beautiful sea green eyes. She then looks at Silas who kneels in front of her. She then leans in and unexpectedly kisses his lips. She pulls away smiling at him."I would have never done this without you."

"I'm not going anywhere" He tells her. "Him nor me." He tells her knowingly, because he must know that Johanna is terrified that tomorrow all hell can break lose again.

Ivy and I end up staying two weeks with Johanna. Ivy teaches her a lot about postnatal care and parenting and I see Johanna listen eagerly, for the first time I don't see a trace of cynicism. I see her go through every range of emotions, including depression. Silas and Ivy explain that it's common with women after having a baby because of all the hormones. So we are all too happy to be readily available to hold her baby, Fin. For all the emotional turmoil she experiences it subsides the moment she holds him. But there are times where she's terrified, where holding him makes her shake. I almost panic seeing her like this, perhaps it's because I know all too well how unstable we are. Thankfully Silas is there, to care for him and her. He makes her believe that she can do this because she is the bravest person he knows.

The time finally comes for us part and Johanna actually looks frightened to see Ivy, her personal doctor, leave. Silas reminds her that he is also a doctor and we can't help but laugh. We bid them farewell and I give Silas a great big hug. I still can't believe that he won't be in 12 and I can't hold back the tears, neither can he. He promises me and Ivy that he'll be sure that he and Johanna visit us and to me that day can't come soon enough.


	48. Chapter 48

The moment we board the train to head back to District 12, panic begins to set in. I'm overwhelmed by emotions. For starters, the fact that Ivy and I haven't had a single conversation since before arriving to 7 becomes loud and clear. I realize that we were too distracted by baby Fin to acknowledge everything that we're carrying between us. I realize that I am still furious at her, hurt, heartbroken, and overwhelmingly scared to begin my life in 12 without her. This flood of emotions only makes me shut her out, and any communication towards her is limited to yes and no answers and nods. It's more than obvious to her that I don't care to talk about anything. Then there is the realization that I am about to return home for the first time in six years. I am terrified of what will come over me when I see it. Then there is a strange nostalgia for Katniss, riding in a train makes me think of her and I remember that she's waiting back in 12. I decide that it's best if I do my breathing exercises. My thoughts are disrupted by Ivy.

"Will you please talk to me…" she pleads softly.

I stare at her and I'm succumbed by sadness. "I always thought that you would be by my side." I tell her.

She closes her eyes because what I say hurts her. "I know we had agreed that I stay with you, Nathan, and Delly in your house but – considering what happened – I can find somewhere else to go." She responds.

I instantly get angry. "No " I answer her. We know there aren't options there yet and the people that are there are staying in the Victors' Village homes and those that don't fit are out in what was left of the Seam, which was mostly left standing. "You know it's rough right now – you can stay with me, there is plenty of room and I'm sure we'll stay busy and out of each other's way." I realize that I'm still angry and I take a deep breath and soften my tone. "Please – Ivy. I want you to stay. Being there is going to be difficult for all of us."

I can tell that she relaxes and nods. "I guess if you're certain. Thankfully Nathan and Delly have been there all this time now – I'm sure they'll help us adjust." She tells me enthusiastically as she looks right into my eyes.

I look away and sigh. "Yeah – we're going to need all the help we can get."

When the train finally pulls into the station my heart begins to race. I am expecting nothing but devastation. But as soon as I step out I hear noise, people talking, music playing, I can smell lumber in the air, and constant pounding from the amount of construction clearly happening everywhere. I find myself smiling because I was not expecting to see District 12 look alive, no longer the same, but alive. Clearly rising from the ashes, just like I did, just like Katniss did. I feel Ivy take my hand and I'm startled. I turn to her and her eyes are smiling, her whole being is smiling.

"Let's go home." I tell her warmly and she just nods. We make our way to the village. It's so strange that I know where to go, not by the streets because they are completely gone, but just by an old memory in my mind. It's as if I subconsciously know the number of steps I take before taking right or left turns, that inevitably take me to the large house. The District is buzzing with people, smiling people, I don't recognize anyone. I remember that people from all over Panem signed up to work to help rebuild the Districts, regardless of whether this is their home or not. Part of me is happy that I don't recognize it, that it doesn't look anything like before.

Once I arrive, I see Delly walking out of the front door. The moment she sees me she runs to my arms and she knocks me over. I laugh as I hold her and then I see Nathan's face looking over us with a beaming smile. They pull me back to my feet and we walk in together. The moment I step inside I'm stunned, thankfully everything inside is redone. It doesn't look like it did before which is exactly what I wanted – I didn't want to walk in and see the same place that housed all of the 74th Hunger Games' tributes. Nathan picks up on my silence.

"Paylor personally ordered that we bring down the walls of your house to remove any type of hearing devices. Madge had every single one picked out. Can you believe that? All we had to do was repaint." He tells me proudly. I smile and I give him a hug. That afternoon I rest and ask them every single question I can think of, and then I laugh because I realize that I'll see it myself but not now because I am too tired. We have dinner in the porch that night and Nathan shocks me when he bring out a bottle of wine. "No more restriction buddy." I laugh cheerfully and gladly take a glass of wine.

We have dinner in the porch where Delly has set up a lovely table. We easily go through two bottles of wine and part of me begins to feel disconnected because I realize that I don't have a single thing to worry about. Nothing is pressing and it doesn't seem like it's my life. Just then, almost as if on cue – because my life can't possibly resemble any kind of normalcy - I hear a chilling scream from across the street. I rise to my feet instantly and I face her house, Katniss's house. I look back at the table and they are all staring at me. Delly breaks the silence.

"It's like this every night Peeta… sometimes she calls for you." Delly tells me.

I turn on my heel and head inside, crawl into my bed, and I want nothing more than to fall asleep and drown out her wailing, her screaming, her nightmares, her longing... I can hear her screaming calling for help, begging for Prim, and it kills me. This is why Gale didn't stay. I feel furious at him for leaving her like this and I even go as far as cursing her mother for leaving her in this condition. I jump out of bed and look through my things. I look for my sleeping pills and I double my dose. Just then, Ivy walks in and I find her eyes staring at me intently. I know she's worried but I also see pity and it infuriates me. I tell her to get out before she offers me her kind words, she looks startled and she just turns around and leaves. I grab my sketch pad, turn on some soft music, and I begin to draw. I draw any random image that comes to me, the train, the trees in 7, the construction I saw on my way here, the glasses of wine on the table this evening, and I draw baby Fin's face over and over again until I fall asleep.

Of course my sleep is accompanied by eerie dreams. Katniss calling for me as I run through a forest where Tributes appear, only they don't attack they just point in the direction of her screams. I run but then I'm exhausted and I can feel my legs burning then I fall to the ground because my prosthetic is gone. I see my arms and they are emaciated, and I know I am too weak to do anything to reach her, to find her, to fight for her.

The next day I wake up early to a sleeping house. I walk into this familiar kitchen that doesn't feel like mine. I touch the cupboards and when I open them I'm pleasantly surprised to see them full of ingredients. I smile at the thought, because without a doubt this is Delly's loving gesture for me. I smile and I welcome the warm thoughts that follow as I begin to prepare bread. I look at the clock and it's not even five in the morning. I work fast and I prepare several loaves, different types, and I prepare my father's favorites. I prepare so much dough that I end up stuffing the freezer with excess prepped dough, something I never did before. Once the oven is ready I put in the first loaves. I look at the clock again and it's past seven. I begin to smell the wonderful soothing smell of baking bread and it makes me so happy I actually feel teary eyed. Just then, I hear steps down the stairs and it's Delly smiling cheerfully.

"Good morning." She says in her never failing peppy voice. I go to her and hug her.

"Good morning. Thanks for stocking up, I'm assuming it was for me unless you've taken up baking." I tell her.

"Oh I tried and failed miserably. So this is me being passive aggressive."

I laugh. "Even you're passive aggressiveness is loving." I tell her and I kiss her cheek.

"I assume you didn't sleep." She says dryly and I nod no. "Ivy told me everything." She tells me.

I just stare at her. "I don't want to talk about it." I say nervously because I'm exhausted.

"Good." She says and it surprises me. "Oh don't look at me like that." She says. "I care but damn it enough is enough. Why waste any more time Peeta? What's the point? You deserve to be happy and I love her but I've always known she's not it for you. I say get over this break up and get on it already." She says impatiently as she points in Katniss's house direction.

I can't help but laugh. "Right, just like that, real simple…" I say sarcastically.

"Yes it is actually. Hmm let me see, Ivy says you call out for Katniss every night, and guess what Katniss calls out for you pretty much every night…" She stares at me for a second as if to let me think about this.

"Yeah – our nightmares are about each other…" I begin but she cuts me off.

"No you're nightmares are about what was done to each of you and you call out for help, from the only person that matters to each of you." She doesn't realize that her voice is rising and I think this is the closes I've seen her to losing her temper. I'm wide eyed and stunned. "Just – get over it all and start thinking on how to get her back on track. Do something so that she cleans up…"

I interrupt her. "what do you mean?" I ask nervously.

"Peeta she's an addict, she's back on morphling and alcohol. Bad combination…"

I'm horrified and I jump to my feet. I want to ask questions but there is no point, none at all. I jump to my feet and tell Delly to pull the bread out when the timer goes off.

I run out and I find myself in front of Katniss's house. I look around and I see that the house is starting to look decrepit. I make my way towards the door and wonder what the odds are of the door being unlocked. I'm startled when I hear a woman's voice behind me. I turn around and see that it's Reaper.

The moment she sees me she recognizes me and she smiles. "Peeta." She climbs the steps and hugs me. "I can't believe it's you. You're here." She exclaims and I smile.

"What are you doing here?" I ask her.

She studies me for a second and looks past me. "I cook for her. I make daily portions, check on her, make sure she's breathing…" I close my eyes, I feel as though a cold water has hit me. "At least she eats, not enough but she eats. I come in cook as fast as I can before she wakes up and kicks me out."

"Do you have the key?" I ask.

"It's unlocked. Come on in but you'll have to be quiet. We'll have to be quick. I'm glad you're here we'll be able to do more." She tells me as she ushers me towards the door. She doesn't even let me get a word in. I'm not even sure what I wanted to do coming here but I'm suddenly part of her agenda and I'm not even sure that I want any part of it.

She opens the door and I want to be sick. The smell is enough to make me want to vomit but my heartbreak is greater. This can't be Katniss, this can't be her condition. I am transferred back to that day where I broke into Haymitch's house at the age of 10 and the sight of his house was horrifying. It was total abandonment. Her mother was right, she is exactly like him, his hopelessness. I can't let this happen but I don't know what to do.

"Come on boy, pick up that broom over there and shuffle all that trash from her living room. Try to grab as much of those carcasses as possible."

"What?"

"She'll hunt occasionally, sometimes she gets to cleaning the animals for food sometimes not and so they stay in here and rot." She then looks exasperated. "Come on now, get to it, we have about an hour." She tells me.

I turn around and make a mad dash towards a window. I have to open up a window and the curtains to get some air and light in here. When I do and I turn around I almost lose my breakfast. The living room has countless amount of dead animals, there are flies buzzing everywhere, along with maggots crawling around. I'm startled when a cat jumps from a shelf. I'm shocked to see that it's Buttercup. How is that cat still alive? But I notice that he walks through this maze of filth, shaking his paws as if to shake off the feeling of defeat and total abandonment. I decide that I am going to throw all of these things out the window and focus on cleaning up this room. If she wakes up I'll close up and I'll deal with the carcasses outside. I manage to move fast and I clean the floors to my satisfaction. I even have time to disinfect the floors. At one point I look up and see Buttercup observing me from the hallway; he flicks his tail in approval I'm sure. "You're welcome" I tell him. Just then Reaper appears in the doorway.

"See – this is why I need a second pair of hands. Usually I try to clean up as much while the food cooks up on the stove but you see there are times where I just can't, especially not at my age... Sometimes my granddaughter comes to help but she's too scared." She explains to me.

"You shouldn't bring her here Reaper. Especially if Katniss is this ill and the condition of this place is unlivable really." I say to her.

"I know… I just can't believe it. Nobody in town has the time. Here we are rebuilding this District, and yet we don't have enough people to help rebuild the girl that put all of this into motion…" Her voice cracks and she begins to cry. My heart aches to hear her and I feel guilty for trying to avoid this. I hug her and promise her that I will help, that she is no longer alone. Just then I hear screaming upstairs and I jump.

"Reaper, I should go. I may upset her. I'll be here tomorrow morning." I tell her wholeheartedly and I walk out.

* * *

The next couple of days, I find a daily schedule. In the morning I wake up and prepare breakfast for my friends. I feel so much joy from preparing food for them, to know that I'm going to share a table with the people I love makes me feel so accomplished. There is no better way to begin my day. I bake the usual bread. Then I head to meet Reaper and I help her maintain this house. There is progress but it's slow. We at least manage to clean the first floor, for some reason I want to avoid the second floor. As soon as we hear her stirring, I make my way out and go home to clean up and head into town.

Everything was rebuilt as Nathan and Delly point out. There is no trace of the square, city hall, my home, school, and the only way we get a sense of direction in our old town is by the sight of the Seam in the distance. It's the only way we can orient ourselves. It takes me a few days to work up the courage to walk towards the meadow, the mass grave where the body remains were buried. Somewhere underneath rests my father, my brothers, and my mother. I finally feel the grief hit me full force and I cry so hard that I fall to my knees. How many times did I feel this suffocating feeling rise from me but I had to swallow it because it was never the right time. Delly and Nathan sit beside me and we sit there crying and holding hands. I look in the distance and something catches my attention, it's a wild flower growing in the middle of this soft ground. For a second I swear I actually hear their laughter. It gives me the strength to stand up and walk back home with my friends at my side.

The next day I wake up early and meet Reaper she tells me that the house is as clean as it can be and that I don't need to help today. I still feel that I have to dedicate this time to Katniss so I make my way to the woods, I feel like going for a hike. I don't get far because I see roses growing wild. When I get closer to them I notice that they are primroses. I rush back into the district and find a construction crew, they agree to loan me a shovel. I head back to the woods and proceed to dig up the roses to pull them from the roots. I only take a few. I get to Katniss's house and I begin to dig around the entrance's steps. I'm certain that they'll take root and flourish. I'm sure of it. I make sure that they are abundant and even. I smile at myself feeling very satisfied and when I look up I see Buttercup sitting by the window observing me while curiously flicking his tail. I smile at him.

Then the front door swings open and Katniss emerges. I feel as if though my heart stops. I know it's her because of her eyes, they are silver but glazed over. Her lower lids look red and dry. Her face seems dirty and I can see grime building on her neck and forearms. At first I think she's wearing a woven hat but I realize that it's her hair, matted and unruly. Her lips are chapped, cracked, and almost gray. Her clothes are tethered and when the wind hits her she almost falls over. The wind lifts her shirt slightly revealing her pronounced ribs. I'm utterly horrified and heartbroken by her condition.

I finally meet her eyes, she stares at me as if I were an apparition. Her mouth parts to say something but she doesn't find words. Her hand reaches up to clutch her chest then it moves up to her head and she seems stunned to feel the condition of her hair because she pulls her hand back startled. She then looks bewildered.

"Hey." I say feeling surprised by my breathlessness.

Her mouth parts but she still can't speak. She looks around nervously and she looks teary eyed. "When did you get here?" She finally asks.

"A few weeks ago. I've been keeping busy – plenty to do around here." I say smiling but she still looks bewildered. She then looks at the shovel in my hands. "I hope you don't mind. I saw them and I had to plant them." I say to her because I realize that my digging may have woken her up. Her eyes look confused but she looks at the roses and it first she looks horrified and she rushes towards them but she stops abruptly. Her face transforms and tears succumb her.

"No – they're beautiful." She tells me and she manages to look at me again. "Thank you." She says looking me in the eye and then she runs back inside.

I then realize that my hands are shaking and I make my way back home, just in time for me to have a panic attack. But I get through it, like always, I get through it without incident. After, I'm shaky and I decide to bake to relax. It works wonders. I can't help myself I make cheese buns and a loaf of raisin and nut bread. I look out the window and I'm stunned to see Katniss walking out of her house. She looks nervous but at least she's showing signs of life. I take the opportunity to rush to her house. I try the door knob and I'm thrilled to find Reaper in there. She tells me that a miracle happened. Katniss seems to be sober for now and she let Reaper stay and help her clean up. Plus she had a real meal, she shook like a leaf throughout the meal but she did it. More importantly she let her open up the windows. I leave her the loaf of bread and the cheese buns. Just then Haymitch comes crashing through the door and my heart stops all over again. Our eyes meet and I'm speechless. I see him smile at me with excitement and he's about to say something but I hold my hand up.

"No – I can't. Not today okay. It's too much." I tell him and he understands instantly. I turn around and leave.

* * *

Weeks go by and I find new patterns in my life. I've taken the first steps to open my bakery. I've seen the new building and my materials have already arrived, including the ovens. I'm so excited. I didn't think I would so easily dip into the retributions given to all Victors but I can't believe that it would be so healing. Before long, the shop is set up, including registers, shelves, display cases on the window and I am even training apprentice bakers. I will have employees but it's too soon to tell how many. Sometimes when I walk in through the back door the sound of laughter in the bakery's kitchen makes me feel so nostalgic for my family. I love looking out the window of my bakery and I can see a new town built, stores are already operating. The best part is that we have essentials, The hospital is almost built, a real hospital! They even built schools. I was stunned to see two buildings. Before, we all attended the same compound with two different buildings. But now the primary and secondary schools are separate in fact they are a distance away from each other. More importantly a post secondary college is already in the works.

The mines have been closed for good and some District 12 residents that returned were worried because they didn't know what they would do. Imagine their surprise when the new parliament announced new workforce training for sustainable energy companies. District 12 will be constructing wind mills, solar panels, and other hyrdro power materials for alternative energy. They are building the new factories while offering paid training to residents. I still can't believe the turn of events. The companies will be built in the area that was once the mines.

I welcome the work, especially when my personal life and home life is still coming together. I feel out of place in that big house. Not even the presence of my friends make it feel right. I believe it may have something to do with Ivy, in fact I'm certain of it. In trying to avoid her I avoid the house altogether. I end up getting home late enough so that I don't have to know her whereabouts. I don't want to know if she's under the same roof as me or if she has gone to stay with Dr. Thrive.

I couldn't avoid him anymore, I had to go see him for follow-up care. The meeting is tense and awkward. I have to admit that he is trying, he tells me that the hospital's physical therapy wing is open and that I can continue my physical therapy using their pool. While in 2, I learned to swim because it was the best way to work on my 2nd degree burns and the few hot spots that burned my muscles and nerves. It's only then that I look at his face and he smiles earnestly. It dawns on me that he's trying desperately to please me and I hate him for it.

"what do you want from me?" I ask him coolly.

His smile fades away instantly and he almost jumps back. "Nothing… I just, thought you'd be happy to hear it since you loved it in 2." He says nervously.

I observe him. "If you think I still need physical therapy, hydro-therapy, or whatever else just refer me and be done with it." I say coldly.

"I.." he tries to respond but he doesn't know what to say. "I just – want things to be okay with us. Peeta I care about you, I took care of you, I was determined to make you better…"

I feel bitter and I cut him off. "Congratulations, you did it. Thank you. You were a great doctor and you got my girl for it. Don't ask me for anything else." I say to him as I jump off the examining table and put my shirt back on. He's speechless. "Anything else? Physical therapy – yes, no?" I inquire impatiently.

He looks at me again. "Hum – are you still feeling tightness in the burned areas?"

"Sometimes but it dissipates when I start moving around and I'm keeping busy. "

"Hum – then no. I guess there's nothing else." He tells me.

"Good – so when are we going to get more doctors in here? I can do without seeing you again. Too much personal conflict don't you think?" I tell him and he just nods and tells me that as soon as others arrive he will refer me. I can tell I hurt his feeling and I feel good about that. I turn around and leave.

I head back to the bakery to keep working and some of the new locals come inside the shop since I have the door open to let the paint fumes out. Three young women step inside, they're about my age, and start to chat me up. It turns out they're from District 4 and I inquire how they ended up in 12. They explain that they're sisters and that they're parents died during the long battles in 4. I wince thinking back to it, I saw how hard it was on Finnick to see his people turn on each other and that is pretty much why these sisters could not stay there anymore especially after their parents were killed by their father's brothers. I can't even imagine. They insist on helping me paint and I let them, I spend the rest of the late morning and early afternoon talking about my brothers. They laugh at my stories and I'm thankful to them because for the first time I feel happy at the thought of my siblings. I can hear them telling me their stories and I laugh when I hear them bicker among themselves over nothing, the way siblings do. Then I hear that they fall silent. I stop to look at them and they're in awe as they stare ahead. I look in the direction of the door and I see Katniss standing there observing them.

I'm surprised to see her out and about. I immediately notice her hunting bag, it looks heavy. I look her over and she looks steadier, and she has her bow hanging over her shoulder. I smile at the sight of it because she can now walk freely with it in broad daylight hanging off her, like an extended appendage that has really always been a part of her. Her hair is still matted and she's not quite as clean as she could be but at least she's not a shaking mess.

"Hi." She tells me.

"Hey – it's good to see you in town." I say with a genuine smile.

She doesn't smile back she just looks at me then she looks around. "Will this be your bakery?"

"Yes." I say proudly. "Good day hunting?" I ask her.

She looks down at her bag and looks back at me. "Yes. I did very well actually. I am going to drop off some quails at your house, it's only fair since you've been stocking my house with bread." She explains.

I observe her and I think about her words. "You don't have to do that. It pleases me to make bread for you. You don't have to trade for it anymore." I tell her sternly. I realize that I have to set terms to whatever it is that is happening between us.

She tenses up and I can tell that she doesn't like it. "Peeta – it's not right. You're using money and resources and your time…" She begins to rationalize it away.

I don't know why, maybe it's because I saw Jon earlier but I don't have patience. "It's a gift, it's out of the goodness of my heart, and it gives me great pleasure to do nice things for you. So stop with this debt bullshit." I tell her sternly.

She just glares at me and walks away. The moment she's gone I can feel my heart pounding away. I jump at the voice of these three sisters that I had completely forgotten about. "Are you okay?" they ask. I just nod. Then Katniss surprises me and them by popping back in the door.

"Then how about you come over for dinner, as a thank you for the bread, and helping Reaper around the house, and the beautiful roses you planted." She tells me softly.

I'm shocked, but I smile at her. "I'd like that." I tell her.

"And then you could take some of these birds to your friends for dinner, since I got way too many in the snare I set up. I don't want them to go to waste." She tells me. I smile at her and nod. She offers me a half smile and walks away.

That afternoon I leave the bakery and I head home to clean up. I jump when I see Ivy sitting in the kitchen with Delly. I haven't seen her in weeks, I realize that I've been doing a great job at avoiding her. The moment we see each other I feel the tension but thankfully Delly is there and I can honestly greet her and extend it towards Ivy as well.

"Hey!' Delly calls out to me as I race through the kitchen to make my way upstairs. "good to see you. Will you be joining us for dinner?" She calls out to me. I cringe when I hear her say this and I run back down the stairs to see her.

"Sorry Dells, I've been busy with the bakery and I actually have plans tonight." I tell her.

"Okay – so then why did you bring all those quails?" Delly asks confused.

"Oh, no, that was Katniss. She caught a bunch" I smile at the thought. "I guess she set up a good snare, those animals out there really got too comfortable with her absence. " I say laughing. "Anyway it's too much for her and she didn't want them to go to waste. I'm having dinner with her." The moment I say this I notice Ivy's eyes grow wide and there's definite tension in her face and she does a poor job of hiding it with the glass of wine. I decide to turn around and to not think too much about this.

I clean up fast and I make my way out of the house without running into Ivy again. I take a pie I baked in the morning.

When I walk in I see Katniss fussing over the table and she jumps when she sees me. She looks nervous and unlike earlier this afternoon her hands are shaking. I look her over and I see that she's cleaned up as I notice that her hair is sort of held up with a rubber band and it occurs to me that she's trying to hide the matted hair. I feel pain when I think of the amount of disregard needed to get to her condition. I've seen animals not taken care of with that kind of hair. I look away fast before she can see the look in my face. I know she's changed but I have a gut feeling that she's just as proud as before if not more. I set the pie on the counter. I turn to look at her and she's observing me and she actually smiles sweetly when she sees the pie. Before she can say anything I tell her that it's for desert, since she made dinner. She smiles and nods.

I make my way past the counter and I see the table. It's lovely. She set it up and we each have an entire quail for ourselves and there are still more on another platter. She also made a few sides, including vegetables.

"It looks delicious." I tell her honestly.

She smiles. "I made more in case you wanted to bring any of your friends along, or maybe Ivy." She tells me nervously. I look at her and I'm surprised to hear her say this.

I smile at her. "Oh that's sweet of you. But I didn't see any of them. Everyone is so busy and when I got home no one was there. And Ivy works really long hours in the hospital. They're really trying to finish that up" I can only assume this since I haven't spoken to her aside from a polite greeting. And Katniss doesn't need to know that I saw them before coming here. It hadn't even occurred to me to invite them I just assumed Katniss wouldn't want other people around or maybe I wanted to be alone with her. I decide not to dwell on this too much. "Besides I saw that you left quite the lot of quails in my freezer." I say smiling and she laughs.

"I couldn't believe that snare worked for me, never once did it work so well. Only with Gale…" She says laughing but she stops short. I can tell that it's painful for her to think about him and frankly he's the last person I want to think about too.

"Well I'm sure those birds got too comfortable after you being gone for so long." I say jokingly and she smiles at me, grateful for my save I guess.

"You know I mostly see my roommates in the morning. We have nice big breakfasts in the morning. You should join us." I invite her because maybe she does miss being around people. From what I see she runs into Reaper in the morning and she hangs around Haymitch, a drunk Haymitch and that can't be good for her.

"I hunt bright and early." She begins to offer her excuse but I cut her off.

"Baker's hours are earlier than a hunter's hours, so feel free to stop by to at least accompany me to an early snack." I offer and she smiles at me.

I proceed to sit down and she follows me. We begin to eat and the food is delicious. She tells me that Reaper left her the recipes, I guess she picked up a few recipes when she was working in 13's kitchen. "I should hire her at the bakery for small meals. What do you think?" I say to her.

She looks excited. "Oh she'd love that Peeta. She's nervous about what she'll do with herself now. I've been paying her for what she does around here, so has Haymitch but I can tell she looks sad. Everyone around her is suddenly capable of doing something in a world where so much is legal, she no longer has to barter and that's all she knew."

"I'll talk to her tomorrow." I tell her and I'm truly happy to help her especially after everything she's done for Katniss. I begin to eat and I look up and catch Katniss staring at me and of course she looks away. I proceed to ask her questions and she answers them nervously at times but other times she's calmer. She surprises me when she tells me that she's taking medications to help her with her addiction to morphling. She tells me that she's seeing Dr. Thrive, Jon, every day so that he can give her one pill. Each day the prescription will be reduced until she won't need it anymore. Plus, she's also seeing a therapist.

"What about you?" she asks.

"Hum – I'm seeing the doctor too, the psychiatrists and therapist. I'm taking new medication to help control my chemical imbalance." I say pointing at my head. She stares at me. "Hum and I don't need physical therapy for my burns. You?" I ask curiously.

"Yeah – they told me that swimming would help and I guess I can use the pool in the hospital now."

I look at her torso and wonder. I begin to remember the smell of her burning flesh in my arms. I have to take a deep breath. It's early late Winter now so it's still cool and everyone is wearing jackets or sweaters and so I can't really see much on her skin. I decide to just come out and ask. "How is your scarring, are you in pain?" I ask her.

She looks at me and nods. "No, it's fine I guess." She reaches behind her neck to scratch it. "I had skin grafts in the Capitol and I was too messed up to really say anything about my treatment but they cleaned up as much as they could. I can see the lines though." She tells me and I look at her quizzically. So she explains. "It's kind of a map, you can see where they grafted the skin, so there's different shades and, I look like a puzzle." She says laughing softly. She stops when she sees that I'm not laughing.

"What matters is that you were put back together." I tell her honestly. "Can I see?" I ask her and I'm regretting it as soon as I say it but she stands up. I'm startled by her compliance. She turns her back to me and I guess proceeds to unbutton her shirt, enough to pull the shirt down over her shoulders so that her upper back and shoulders are visible for me. I can tell that she clutches her shirt together with her hands in the front. I realize that I'm in a trance by her swift movements and I have to focus. I lean in to look closer and I can see it the lines, the pieces of her, grafted back together. I close my eyes because I can hear her screaming Prim's name and then I can see her flying through the air, set aflame from the bombs. I open my eyes and I remember seeing her in the hospital and I could see traces of her raw flesh completely singed off. I feel the pain throughout my back and I swallow my tears. I gently extend my arm and I reach out to touch the nape of her neck, which is now uncomfortably tight skin. My fingers lay on it softly and I stroke the line that goes down along her spine, down to between her shoulder blades and I stop at the collar of her shirt that is now stretched across her mid back. I then run my finger back up towards her neck and I outline the other lines that show her skin grafts. I notice that she has goose bumps on her arm and quickly remove my hand.

"Sorry my hands are cold." I say apologizing. She turns her head to look back at me over her shoulder. She pulls her shirt back up and buttons it up as she turns around. I feel exhilarated and I have to sit down but I can feel my heart beating fast. I begin to eat my food and notice that she stares at me nervously. Then I realize that I didn't say anything about it, her burns. Should I have said something? That it looks so much better than the last time I saw it because it does and the recovery is amazing. But I realize that Katniss wouldn't care about this. So I shake the idea out of my head. "These vegetables are really good." I say to her.

She smiles meekly. "I got them from Haymitch's garden. It's cooked kale. It actually grows in his indoor garden. He's now prepping the ground in his backyard for an outdoor garden" She tells me smiling.

I start to laugh and I almost spit out my food. "Haymitch keeps a garden?"

She smiles and the tension I felt before is gone. "Well no, he started it, and Reaper takes care of it. We'll see if he commits to the outdoor one." We laugh and then proceed to eat. We finish our dinner in silence and we don't say anything else. That is until she tries the apple pie I made, but even then all she says is wow. And I'm happy to see that aside from the two pieces I have, she eats the whole thing herself. After we finish eating we sit silently but it's not uncomfortable, it's actually soothing. It's like we sit silently with our thoughts but we keep each other company doing it. After some time I stand up and bid her a good night. She nods politely and I leave.

At night I wake up screaming Katniss's name, I'm calling for her because in my dream somebody was pulling her skin off. I wake up covered in sweat and I'm so upset that I actually lose my dinner, I actually make it to the bathroom in time. I switch on the lights and grab my sketch pad. I begin to draw and it turns into the beautiful meal I shared with Katniss.

The next morning we have terrible weather, I was hoping that the forecasts would be wrong so that I can keep working in the bakery but it's no use, we've even lost power. I can't help but laugh, I'm sure once the factories are up and working we'll have a more reliable system of power but we're still waiting. There's something nostalgic and sweet from these outages, it reminds me of my home, my family, the sweet moments of my old life. I head downstairs and I'm surprised to find Ivy sitting at the kitchen table reading a newspaper. I feel tense instantly. I look around to see if Delly or Nathan are there and Ivy notices.

"They're not here. The teachers had to go in to do some work, it was urgent even in this blackout." She looks me over. "So it's just you and me." She says as she studies me. I see her every morning but I've been able to avoid her through Delly and Nathan. I proceed to sit down and serve myself some tea. I grab a scone. She then pushes a plate full of scrambled eggs. "You're up late. You didn't get much sleep last night?"

I look at her and finally give into the fact that I will have to talk to her. "No, not nearly enough. It was a bad night."

"Did something upset you over at Katniss's place?" She asks bitterly and she can't hide it. I look at her face and try as she might, I can tell she's jealous, she's being possessive of me.

"I had a great time." I tell he honestly. "It was nice, she made a delicious dinner, we talked, kept each other company. It was very nice." I say smiling. "But maybe that's it, I get close to her and this fear kicks in." I say honestly.

She nods, she must understand.

"Why aren't you at the hospital?" I finally ask.

She smiles. "I get a day off. I can't work seven days a week."

"You were before." I say to her as I begin to eat. She looks nervous and averts my eyes. I realize that is not the case, she must stay with Jon. "Oh." I say feeling wretched at the idea. I decide to focus on my food. She begins to talk to me, well it's more like she's talking at me since I'm not feeling to conversant. But she does manage to make me laugh with her stories from the hospital and apparently doctors see everything. Before long we're both laughing hysterically. She asks about the bakery and I tell her that it's done. In a day or two I'll be able to start baking. She looks thrilled. I finally look at her and I'm taken by her eyes. We sit there silently staring into each other's eyes and I feel so much love for her that it hurts. I feel bitter suddenly because how can she walk away from this. She must feel it, I know she does. Two people that share the kind of passion we have can't possibly walk away from this, it's hard to contain.

She looks away nervously and I can tell that she's flushed. "We haven't talked like this in some time. It's nice." She tells me laughing casually as if somehow she can casually subdue this thing brewing between us.

"We haven't done a lot of things in a long time" I tell her longingly. She stops twitching around, which is very unlike her, and she meets my eyes. We stare intensely at each other again and I know she feels this pull. Once again she pulls herself away from the moment. "Did you see what Nathan bought?!" She says enthusiastically, clearly trying to escape the moment. So I nod no. "He bought a pool table it's down in your basement."

I laugh. "How did I miss that?"

"You have been avoiding the house."

I smile at her. "You got me there. Wanna play?" I stand up and extend my hand. She look amused and she takes it. I lead her downstairs and see the table. "Is this what they look like when they're not run down?" I say laughing and Ivy laughs. We proceed to play and we fall into our old banter and familiarity and there is no way to avoid our flirtatiousness or our playfulness. Before long we find any excuse to be close to each other, whether it's to playfully sike each other out before we take our turn by poking each other or tickling each other. It's incredibly childish but I know what's happening we want each other and this is a safe way to do it. Then we forget about the game and we have a serious thoughtful conversation that makes us want to stand close. She even sits on the table and I stand leaning against it as I look at her. Then for some reason she reaches out her hand to graze my hand on the cue stick and she softly caresses it, and it's enough to set me off. I look into her eyes and I know she feels it too.

I don't think about it, I lean in and kiss her and she responds. I end up throwing the stick to the ground to move in front of her. I spread her knees so that I can position myself closely to her. Our kiss is hard and earnest for each other. We pull apart only for a second long enough for me tell her how much I've missed her and she crashes into me again. The world is now a whirlwind, I'm completely excited and I feel triumphant. For a moment she pulls away and jumps to her feet as if to get away from this, from us but I grab her arms and pull her back towards me and I can tell she gives into me again. I wrap my arm around her waist and tell her that she wants us. My hand wanders underneath her dress to brush her leg. I reach between her legs and she falls back into me, I desperately move her underwear to the side and begin to stroke her and she immediately begins to whimper until she comes undone and I love the feeling of her orgasm puddle on my hand. I briskly turn her around to face me and proceed to unbutton her dress and she looks panicked suddenly as if she's dealing with an internal battle but she wavers, she closes her eyes and sighs deeply as if to give into her feelings. She even turns around again. I grab the collar of her dress and pull it down over her shoulders and I move her hair over her shoulder so that I can kiss her neck, but then I unexpectedly begin to think of the grafted lines on Katniss's back, and I can't stop thinking of the tight skin stretched across Katniss's delicate and petite back, nothing like Ivy's broad soft and sturdy porcelain-like back that turns pink when she's excited or flushed after she has climaxed. I catch a glimpse of us on a mirror in front and I can see Ivy's face, she already looks guilty and I realize why she can't be with me, why she gave up on me. Because in the most intimate of our shared moments, Katniss is in my thoughts, hating her or loving her, she's always there. I know, I've always known Ivy deserves better.

I reach out to hold the collar of her dress and I pull it back up which pulls Ivy out of the guilty trance she's in. She turns around and looks at me looking bewildered.

"You don't want to do this." I say sadly as I try to catch my breath.

There are tears in her eyes and she nods no. "I do but a part of me always will. I've always been in love with you. But it's different now. I can't stop thinking about Jon and I can't do this to him. I'm sorry…"

"Don't be." I cut her off. "I don't want that from you."

Then she knocks me out. "Jon proposed to me last night and I said yes."

I feel my breath leave me and when I find it again I have an irrational wave of jealousy and possessiveness and I lash out. I jump up and fix my clothes as I yell obscenities at her but Ivy is not one to just take it. She shoots back and I begin to feel this fire building between us again. I make all sorts of stupid accusations, I take low blows, and hit where it hurts. We make our way back upstairs into the kitchen where we throw things and yell at each other some more. I finally tell her that she should really think about marrying this man, because since he's in the picture she has already cheated on him with Gale and me. She looks wounded and insists that it's not like that. She hits back just as low and I kick her out of my house. And just like that, she walks out. The moment she leaves I accept that I've lost her, that I'm hurting, and that I'm terrified to live in a world where she doesn't love me. I regret everything I said and I run out after her.

Outside I catch up with her and she sends me to hell. I block her way and I fall to my knees and she finally stops and glares at me. I beg her to forgive me and I can tell that like me she's terrified to lose me and what happened in that basement was a result of her trying to find a middle ground, but maybe right now a middle ground for two people that have loved each other for so long, is impossible. She joins me on the ground, on the middle of this Victor Village road and hugs me and cries. We hold each other for a while and I don't know what to do. I feel like a helpless lost child.

"What are we going to do?" She asks.

I just stare at her and I suddenly hear music coming from one of the houses, I guess the power came back on. I look at her and I smile. "Will you dance with me?" I say honestly.

She smiles and nods yes. I pull us up and we begin to sway back and forth while holding each other. I tell her to please not say anything to Jon about what happened between us. I tell her that there is no point because it will never happen again. I also tell her that I don't want her to move out. She insists that she has to and that it would make things easier for her and Jon. She admits that she stayed because she felt that she owed it to me and I can't have that. The song stops playing and we stand staring into each other's eyes. I lean down and kiss her gently, our last kiss, our good bye kiss and neither of us can hold back our tears. I wrap my arms around her, pull away and embrace her not wanting to ever let her go.


	49. Chapter 49

The next couple of weeks I have a lot of volunteers help me set up the display cases in the bakery and all it now needs is baked goods. Delly, Nathan, and Ivy are there to help me set everything up. I'm surprised by how easy it is to be around Ivy, I guess we successfully made our closure I'm also happy to now see so many familiar faces around me. We stand around laughing and Ivy breaks the news that she's engaged to Dr. Thrive. Everyone is shocked and happy and I'm genuinely happy for her. An old acquaintance from town makes a joke about how I'm going to allow that. I jokingly reach for Ivy and wrap my arms around her and jokingly say, who says that I am? And we all share a good laugh and Ivy looks into my eyes and I give her a playful wink. She reaches up and kisses me on my cheek as she holds my arms around her. I'm happy by this peaceful feeling between us.

A woman breaks in and congratulates Ivy. "Congratulations on your engagement, you two deserve it." She says beaming.

Then I hear her voice, I didn't even see her come in. "You're getting married?" I immediately turn towards the door and I see Katniss standing there as she stares wide eyed at me then at Ivy. Ivy tells her yes. I stare at her smiling, I can tell that she just came back from the woods, she looks disheveled, she's wearing her soft leather jacket and her hunting boots. Her bow is hanging over her shoulder and once again her matted hair is rolled up with a rubber band. I also see that she' holding a pale in addition to her hunting bag. I see that she caught fish. I'm about to tell her to come in and join us but I don't get a chance. "Congratulations." She mutters nervously and she turns around and walks out.

That night I decide to go see Katniss, Ivy is going to stop by to move her things out with Jon and I don't want to be around. I don't think I can handle it. It's late and I'm surprised that Katniss is not home. Part of me worries but I remind myself that I need to have faith in her and believe that Katniss will take care of herself. I hang out in her living room and I'm surprised when Buttercup shows up and jumps onto my lap. He begins to purr and press his paws into my leg. I pet him and he continues to make kitten like sounds. I can't understand why Katniss hated him so much. I wonder if she would have preferred to eat him when things were rough in the Seam but Prim wouldn't let her. I laugh at thought. I look out the window when I hear Delly's chipper voice. I can see that Ivy and Jon are standing outside on the porch saying goodbye to Nathan and Delly. I watch Ivy take Jon's hand walk away. I hear that he has a house being built in town and I feel my heart crack. In the distance I can see him lean down to kiss her and I have to close my eyes. With that a life I dreamed of, my saving grace, the children I thought I would have disappear from a once plausible future. Before long they are far from my view and just like that she's gone. I put Buttercup to the side and I stand up. I realize that I should be alone and so I leave Katniss's house and make my way home.

When I walk in the house is so quiet and it doesn't feel like home. I make my way upstairs and I'm surprised to hear Delly and Nathan's love making which still makes me laugh because I just never thought that would happen. I decide to make my way towards my studio and begin to paint the night away. I paint on small canvasses, every single one has illustrations of Ivy's steady eyes.

* * *

Katniss POV

I didn't get home until the early dawn hours. I spent the night in the woods in that old cabin where my dad took me. The moment I heard that they were engaged I got out of there as soon as I could. I thought they would be able to see that something inside of me had shattered. I lost all the food I caught yesterday and I regret that. I dozed out and thankfully I didn't have any bad dreams. I woke up feeling famished and I was thankful for it because it's the first feeling I experience that makes my self preservation instincts kick in. I felt like I had a purpose only I didn't want to hunt. I didn't have the energy so instead I went straight home. As soon as I walked in I was greeted by a basket of his fresh baked bread. The smell of it almost makes me faint I'm so hungry and I dive in. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I hate how I look. I'm dirty from yesterday and my damn hair is still in shambles. I think back to the other day, the way Peeta held Ivy in his arms as they danced in the middle of the street and the way he ran his fingers through her beautiful long red locks to move it out of the way, to make his way towards her porcelain neck. The way he ran his finger across her soft skin. I reach back and touch my skin, the skin that I showed him and it feels tight, hard and uneven. I hate feeling so inadequate because it's so stupid and useless but how do I stop it.

I look at the bread again and like always I feel hopeful. What am I going to do, I woke up the moment he showed up, like always he inspired me to be better, to do better. I look in the mirror and feel frustrated by my hair, I can no longer keep it out of my face and try as I might, I can't brush out this knot. I begin to laugh because I'm being stubborn there is no way I will ever be able to brush this out. So I look around the cabinets and I find scissors. I assess the situation and the thing is that the knot or mattedness not from the roots, it has actually grown out so my hair is lose around my face but below my jaw line it is swept back by this knot that I let build up after months of neglect. Well that and the fact that I couldn't do much since parts of my scalp also burned, and I lost hair. So now I have new hair growing. The matted hair is just what is left of the fire. I wince at the thought.

I grab the scissors, I swallow hard and begin to cut away at my hair starting on the right side. I do it carefully especially since I can't see behind me. By the time I reach around to the left side, I look down and see a ball of my hair, damaged, mangled, with lose ends that are about five inches long. I take the scissors and I cut away at the last strands that are holding on to the ball of matted hair. I gasp when it hits the sink. I look up and I'm startled. I don't think I've ever had hair this short, it falls around my face, framing it as it reaches my chin. My face looks rounder and my eyes look larger. I guess because I can see my face. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I look at myself and wonder why I did this? Peeta is going to marry Ivy, and part of me panics because deep inside I believe he's making a big mistake. But why would I think that, who am I to think that. I'm startled by an alarm in my room. I go to see it and it's my daily reminder that I need to pick up my medicine from Dr. Thrive. So I jump in the shower and do a thorough job of cleaning myself and I actually put thought into dressing myself. I grab clean fresh clothes. I realize that I'm doing this for myself, I can't stand feeling tethered anymore.

I make my way to the hospital then to the clinic wing. On the way I decide to focus on myself and the reason why I'm here, to get better, to stop depending on drugs. I'm determined to beat this addiction. I'm broken, beyond depressed, and defeated but when I look at Haymitch, that is not what I want. After years of sobriety he kicked it the first chance he could. I just can't do that, especially when I think of Prim. What would she think of me? Sometimes I swear I can hear her voice in my head telling me that she doesn't have the choice of seeing tomorrow and I do. My thoughts are interrupted by a nurse that calls me into the examining room. He tells me that Dr. Thrive is running a little behind so another doctor will do the initial check-up and that he would catch up. I just nod, not really caring. I just want today's doze since I'm already feeling shaky and more anxious than usual.

"Hi Katniss"

I look up and see Ivy standing in front of me, wearing a white coat, of course I forgot that she is a doctor now. I just stare at her and I think I say hi back. She proceeds to instruct me to sit on the table as she checks my vitals and asks me general questions about my health if anything is bothering me in particular, and of course something is bothering me but it's not a medical issue. I'm just offering yes or no answers and I'm sure that's all she expects from me.

She's already halfway out the door and she's no longer even looking at me but she offers me the usual last remark I've heard from every doctor. "So if there's anything else…" She says not expecting anything else. Just then Dr. Thrive enters with a smile on his face and he greets me. Ivy must think she's rid of me.

But instead of saying no to her and greeting Dr. Thrive I blurt it out. "You can't marry Peeta." She stops as if I've thrown a rock at her and hit her on the head. She turns to look at me and her eyes are steady but no longer professional as if she was challenging me to continue because there is a lot she wants to throw my way. "You can't…" I say again and my voice waivers a little. "I know you're a wonderful person, you must be if he cares about you so much – but" I stop and think long and hard what the hell am I going to say, I must be crazy. But I come out and say it. "I'm there, with him always, and it's not just the Games that brought us together, we were bound to each other from before then – you can't come between that. Because sooner or later you'll realize and feel like nothing more than an obstacle."

She looks furious and Dr. Thrive intervenes because he looks very confused. "Katniss.." he begins but Ivy interrupts.

"No Jon, that's okay. Let her." She says smiling smugly now. I guess she has plenty of reasons to feel confident. She turns to me again and her eyes are not blazing mad anymore, instead she looks amused which hurts my pride. "I don't know why you're telling me this. It sounds like this conversation needs to happen with Peeta, not me. Your feelings for him don't concern me and they have nothing to do with me." She tells me coolly. I'm taken aback by this and once again my pride feels wounded. Am I so insignificant in her eyes and more importantly perhaps I am completely delusional and she has every reason to feel confident.

Jon just looks between us and hands me my prescription as Ivy leaves calmly. I leave shortly after and I'm buzzing from my confrontation. I think about what Ivy says and whether she truly is indifferent about my feelings towards Peeta.

As I walk through town I see Peeta's new bakery. He's inside, I can see him through the window, happily putting up bread on the window displays. My heart aches because I have a flashback of Prim running happily to the window to admire and daydream over the pretty cakes and cookies. The thought of Prim right now makes me want to fall to a thousand pieces so that I don't ever get put back together because I feel that pain all over again. But I focus and the thought of Prim, while full of grief, has begun to bring beautiful thoughts to my mind too. Her spirit and good cheer was always overwhelming and it's as if I feel that tenacious little 10 year old, holding me by the hand, pulling me towards the impossible begging me to see the bright side of things. And with that I march towards his shop.

As soon as I walk inside, Peeta has his back towards the door but a bell rings, and he automatically responds that the bakery is still not operating, and I feel numb. He turns around and he looks startled to see me. But then he smiles at me and walks around the counter. He's looking me over and I know it's because I'm no longer the scrappy mess he's seen the last couple of months. He stares at my face and I can tell he is noticing my hair and I self consciously go to tuck at my braid but I remember that it's gone, it's been gone for a long time now. So instead I tuck at the now short hair behind my ear. He smiles again.

"You cut your hair…" He says smiling. "I can see your face." He says appreciatively.

Hearing him finally makes me wake up. "You can't marry Ivy!" I say aloud and I realize that I scream it, even though I didn't mean to.

He looks confused and he looks me over. Shit, he may go off on me again. I think back to the day in District 7, when I asked him to run away with me and how he pretty much sent me to hell, and he can very likely do it again. Then he relaxes and he folds his arms and leans back against the counter. He's looking me over and assessing me. He doesn't look angry but he doesn't look docile.

"I'm not marrying Ivy." He says simply.

Now I'm confused and my face must show it because he starts laughing. "But… Ivy is getting married. She's engaged." He emphasizes she.

"What?!" I'm utterly confused and I even grab my head because I wonder if I'm hallucinating who else could Ivy marry, why would she marry anyone else?

"She and Dr. Thrive, Jon – are getting married." He says seriously.

Once again I'm shocked.

He laughs again. "You're always the last to know…" He says laughing and he turns back and walks behind the counter again.

Then the realization hits me, he's not getting married, and I want to tell him why I didn't think he should marry Ivy anyways. I look at him and he looks back at me nervously.

"Peeta…" I begin but he interrupts me.

"You know I have a lot to work on before I lock up tonight. Feel free to come by dinner tonight if you'd like. " He says quickly and I know instantly that he doesn't want to hear me out. I guess I have no right to force the subject so I nod and leave him. Once I'm outside, the breeze hits me and I feel electricity running through me. I can't help the smile that spreads across my face, I actually reach out to touch it to make sure that this is all real.

* * *

Peeta

I stand here in the middle of my bakery feeling numb. I don't know what to think of her visit. I saw the panic in her eyes, she was terrified that I was going to marry Ivy. I know what that means and the thought makes me feel overwhelmed with emotions, so much so that I actually feel as if I were going to drown. I think back to her, how she looked, the expression in her eyes. I now only see beautiful gray eyes that stand out in the midst of her olive skin and dark hair. I didn't think I would ever feel this way again. It's not the same as the comforting love I felt towards Ivy. My feelings for Katniss have always drowned me. And after everything we went through, after all our losses, I thought it was all done with, but here I am feeling this again. I even swore that I would never feel that towards her but the moment I saw her today, I feel it again. It's undeniable she's a part of me and I hers.

I walk back to my house that night and I'm happy to see Delly and Nathan. They've prepared dinner and it's delicious. Thankfully they distract me with their conversation and they are eager to start school at the end of the the summer. We play music, drink wine, talk about our plans, and the wine finally gives Delly the confidence to talk about the Ivy's wedding plans. I laugh because she hadn't mentioned it once around me and I would have never known she was this giddy about it. I tell her that I'm happy for Ivy and her planning. She still looks mortified so I urge her to drink more wine.

It's later then I thought and I'm about to call it a night when I hear her hysterical screaming. I literally jump in my seat. Delly and Nathan look out the window. I can't stand it, she sounds like a feral animal. I look at Nathan because he stands up and heads towards the window. If this unnerves me in just the months that I've been here, I can only imagine him, almost a year of this haunting cries every night while she was under the influence of drugs. I think back to our encounter this afternoon. I think back to how much she has improved but no matter how much she puts herself back together, our wounds and traumas run deep and will be undoubtedly everlasting. I know, because I never know when I'm going to have a bad day myself. I then hear her call out to me, pitifully calling for me as if I were her last hope. I can't even imagine what she's seeing. I finally jump to my feet and Nathan turns to look at me but instead of turning back to my room or studio to run away from her pleas, I walk towards the door to make my way towards Katniss. I look at Nathan and he smiles at me. I'm taken aback because I know, Nathan never wanted me back in the middle of her world. I smile back at him and I realize that he must know too – it's inevitable.

I find her in the middle of her living room, wrapped in black silk fabric, where it came from, I have no idea but it's dreadful. I feel as if I were digging for her and she finally breaks free. She opens her eyes and upon seeing me, she throws her arms around me as she breathes deeply. I hold her tightly and lift her off the ground. I help her to her couch and I sit her down. When I sit down too she jumps back in my arms and I hold her. She's shaking as she wipes her tears. I know not to ask her anything because there is nothing to say. I just hold her until we doze out together in each other's arms.

* * *

It's inevitable we begin to grow together again. It's still platonic but I can't feign ignorance to what's brewing between us. We're genuine friends and we act as such. She'll even occasionally join me for dinner with Delly and Nathan and I will occasionally join her for dinner with Haymitch. Sometimes she'll stop by the bakery to visit me. I'm busy but I make the time to talk to her, to interact with her, and I guess to coexist with her. My favorite is preparing dinner with her at her place because she'll actually play with me, she'll hide ingredients from me and joke around. Hearing her laughter resonate through this house is like music to my ears. But we still have dark moments. Sometimes I'm paralyzed by flashbacks and attacks, I come back to either collapsed on the floor or holding on to something tightly. It's happened in front of her and I'm terrified when she's there because my biggest fear is that I will hurt her. She tells me she knows that I won't because in the middle of those attacks I tell her that I won't do it. It breaks my heart that I can't trust that part of me around her. Then she'll have her dark days, where she can't get out of bed and she just cries. All I can do on these days is keep going and have faith that she will join me in life, and she does, she always emerges.

At night when she has night terrors I make my way to her and find her in some room of her house and I bring her back to the conscious world. I hold her and she falls asleep in my arms. Once she surprised me, I woke up from a nightmare and she was in my bed. I was startled and I didn't say anything, she asked me if it was all right that she was there since she heard me calling for her. I just nodded but I must not have been convincing because she never did it again and now I hate myself for it. It's so stupid, I know I love her, there is no doubt about it and I know she feels the same way but I hate feeling this distance between us and we're the only ones putting it there. Or maybe it's just me. We have undeniably close moments. She shows me affection, she hugs me, and she's clearly putting herself out there but I can't help but feel scared. It's only when I'm alone that I over think everything because when I'm with her, I'm in the moment and it's wonderful but still contained. I've never had such a chaste relationship, which makes me laugh.

I make my way towards Katniss's house for our usual dinner and I'm surprised when I find her in the middle of her kitchen with very familiar ingredients.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

She looks up at me and smiles. "I saw a recipe in the desert recipe book you got me – this brioche looks amazing." She says holding up the book.

"Have you ever baked bread before?"

"No. Not this kind anyway, you see my baked goods always come from this wonderful baker…"

I chuckle. "That wasn't going to be our dinner was it, because you have to freeze brioche dough and leave it overnight and bake it about 12 hours later." The look on her face is hilarious she's utterly disappointed and she looks through the book to confirm what the I'm telling her, which only makes me laugh more.

She frowns at me. "For starters bread wasn't going to be our dinner. That's almost done." She points at the stove and I nod.

"Smells good. Don't be disappointed you have plenty of ingredients to make rolls if you want bread and tomorrow you can bake your brioche."

She smiles as she looks down at the flour in the mixing bowl. "Will you make the rolls?" She says as she bites her lip abashedly at the turn of events.

"Sure. WE can make them." I emphasize the we.

We begin to prepare the dough for the rolls and I actually like teaching her, she's genuinely interested. I'm amused because she wants to follow the book's instructions but I want to follow my instinctual baking habit which throws her off. She shrieks when I do something different and I just laugh at her as she frowns at me. She gives up on the book and listens to me instead as I continue to tell her when to add flour to her individual roll, and how to knead it with her hands, and how the consistency should feel between her hands when it's ready. I finish my badge and she takes her time with hers, I can see that she's really focusing on it and she repeatedly looks at my badge to make sure hers look right.

I begin to observe her and I guess admire her. She's wearing a gray tank top that matched her eyes and soft green cargo pants. She's finally put on some weight so that she doesn't look wasted like she did when I first got back. I watch the subtle curves of her body, now that she's an adult her hips, while petite, have rounded out more pronouncing her petite waist and her gentle torso. Her arms look defined and as she kneads the dough, I catch glimpses of her abdomen which looks taut and healthy again. I look for her face but can't really see it since her hair keeps covering it as it hangs around her face. I laugh and she looks at me.

"What?"

"Baker's rule number one, wear a hair net or pull your hair back. Because you know… people love finding hair in their baked bread." I say laughing and she laughs too. She looks at her hands and they're sticky with dough.

"I have a rubber band in my outer pocket on my right side, help me out." She says smiling as she continues with her dough.

I walk behind her and reach into her pocket. I'm completely unprepared by my proximity to her. The heat radiating off her body draws me in and as I reach into her pocket my hand grazes the side of her thigh, it's inevitable. I notice instantly that she tenses up and she lets go of the dough to hold on to the counter. She then takes a deep breath. I grab the hair band out of her pocket and I stand behind her. I then reach for her hair with both my hands and pull it back. Once again I feel something stir inside of me, I'm practically pressed up against her and I am enjoying running my fingers between hair to pull it back. I finally tie the hair band and I notice strands of hair still hanging around her face. So from behind her, I reach out for them and pull them behind her ears. When my fingers touch her skin I can tell her breathing speeds up and in the reflection of the oven door I can tell that she closes her eyes. When I tuck the hair behind her ears I don't want to pull away so I trace her jaw and then with my fingers I trace her neck, her collar bones, her shoulders, where I finally let my hands rest. I hear her sigh and it encourages me to trace those graft lines, once again she gets goose bumps. The feeling is mutual, I feel this thing, that I have for her inside of me start to ignite. It's a beautiful piercing feeling full of desire. I drop one hand and I let it land on her hip as my fingers extend to feel her abdomen. When I do this she exhales sharply and she lets herself fall back into me. With my hand still on her shoulder I graze the curve of her neck and I run it to the back of her hairline. I lean down and gently kiss her neck and she desperately clutches at my hand around her waist. She presses hard against it which makes me squeeze her harder and she moans a little. My excitement is undeniable and I dwell into her neck again, brushing it with my lips as I reach my arm around her shoulders to press her closer into me.

We suddenly hear the front door jar open and we jump apart, Katniss quickly turns around to look at me and her eyes are silvery and they almost look glazed over, I realize that I'm struggling to catch my breath. Out of the corner of my eye I see Haymitch enter and I turn around and make my way upstairs to pace around and cool down. Mostly I just reassure myself that we just shared that moment, that really happened, that I am longing for her. I make my way back downstairs and I see Katniss finishes placing her badge of rolls on the tray as Haymitch goes on and on about his geese. As I walk across the kitchen I go to the counter and pick up the tray of rolls and stick them in the oven. As I do this Katniss meets my eyes and offers me a smile. I smile at her and I ask her if I can help with anything else. She smiles at me and orders me to sit down. We finally eat our dinner and let Haymitch talk most of the time as Katniss and I stare at each other. I feel that piercing tension between us again. I finally bid them a good night but before I leave Katniss reminds me that we're going to go to the lake tomorrow. I nod feeling both excited and anxious with anticipation at the prospect of being alone with her. When I leave I feel static running through me, I'm buzzing everywhere. I honestly feel drunk.

When I get home I'm startled because I find Silas and Johanna sitting in my kitchen along with Delly, Nathan, and even Ivy and Jon are here. With that I sober up immediately. My mind is still buzzing with the sensation of Katniss in my arms and I'm suddenly facing everyone, I feel bewildered. Thankfully Silas crashes into me as he hugs me. I start to laugh and assure him that this is a surprise. Everyone is laughing and Silas pulls away discreetly.

"It shouldn't be a surprise, we came for Ivy's wedding tomorrow buddy. I talked to you about it last week"

My eyes widen, I had actually completely forgotten in fact I purposely tried to forget, then you add Katniss into the mix and of course I forgot. I laugh and I hug him again. "It's good to see you."

I look past him as Johanna studies me in her old calculating way. I laugh. I break free from Silas and lift her in my arms as I embrace her and kiss her cheek. They insist that I join them for dinner but I tell them that I just had dinner and that I actually need to clean up. I promise them to head down afterwards to join them for drinks. As excited as I am to see Silas and Johanna, I'm a nervous mess because of everything I'm feeling now. There's that undeniable hunger I felt for Katniss just now, but now I can't help but feel raw about Ivy and Jon, but yet I'm happy to see everyone under my roof.

I give myself ample time and I even hope that Ivy and Jon have left for the night. When I make my way downstairs, Ivy and Jon are saying their goodbyes and I'm happy to see that baby Fin is awake. He's almost a year old now and he looks more like Finnick. My heart aches at the thought of him but I also feel happy to see this piece of him go on. Delly is giddy with happiness because of the wedding tomorrow and I know that I have to say something in fact I know everyone is waiting for me to say something.

"Congratulations." I finally say at the first moment of silence. Ivy looks at me and smiles at me and I smile back at her. "I have no doubt that you will be beautiful… I want nothing but happiness for you." I tell her wholeheartedly. She walks towards me and throws her arms around me. I hug her and kiss her cheek. I finally make my way towards Jon and shake his hand. You too, congratulations. He just smiles at me and nods. Ivy then walks back towards him and they step out together.

"So you're not going?" Johanna asks.

"No – I'm not. It would be weird, her ex hanging around the wedding. There's too much history and I honestly feel that it would be disrespectful to Jon, and stressful to Ivy."

"Very well then – all good points." Silas says cheerfully and I can't help but laugh at his good nature, it's truly infectious and he still has the ability to lighten any moment.

"Is Katniss coming over tonight?" Johanna asks.

The moment she says her name my mind rushes towards our close moment this evening and I can feel my body temperature surge. I'm sure I blush because Silas cracks a smile at me. "No, she usually doesn't hang out here. "

"She knows we're here though…" She says logically.

Then I chuckle because yes we did know they would be here today but we've been preoccupied with everything going on in the District and us, that I'm sure like me she forgot. "Yeah – but you know how she is…" I says. We then sit around and catch up. Silas is loving 7 more and more. I love watching Johanna get lost in her son, she'll play with him, talk to him in an infantile voice, or randomly cuddle him. I love the sight of them together. While everyone talks around me, I can't help but feel restless because all I want to do is go to my room and just think about my moment with Katniss, dwell in the feeling that came over me. Finally Johanna says she has to put the baby down for the night and Silas follows. Delly and Nathan go into the living room to finish some stuff for the wedding and I finally race to my room.

There I revel in the idea of Katniss's skin against my hands and I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin I'm so excited. I feel that piercing sensation I felt in the depths of me until my eyes grow heavy but I feel restless and I can't sleep. But then I am distracted by another noise. In the room next to me I can hear Johanna and Silas's voices. It sounds like their arguing and then I hear nothing. I lay still because it's almost like I'm anticipating it, I begin to hear soft gasps followed by a rhythmic thumping sound which can only be the bed. Then I hear them, the two moaning in unison, in a rhythmic momentum. I can hear gasping and moans. I realize that the tension I was feeling has left me completely and my eyes grow heavy again. I close my eyes to the sound of their rhythmic love making and the last thing I hear is Johanna's soft orgasms. I smile and swiftly fall asleep, I sleep the whole night without a single nightmare and for the first time in I don't know how long I don't hear Katniss calling out with her nightmares.

The next morning I'm stunned when I see that I overslept. It's the weekend and I don't have to work but I know Katniss and I were going to head to the lake early. I get up wash my face, clean up, get dressed and head downstairs. Once again the gang is there, this time Ivy and Jon are not there, of course not they're getting ready for their big day. So imagine my surprise when Ivy comes through the door. I had no idea that she would be getting ready here. Delly shrieks with excitement upon seeing her and makes her sit down with us to join us for breakfast and I genuinely feel completely happy, and I can't stop feeling excited over the anticipation of seeing Katniss soon. Just then I look up and I see her standing at the door, she didn't make a sound coming in, she has her hunter's feet again. I smile at her as our eyes meet.

Silas suddenly whistles and everyone looks in the direction he's looking. "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes." He says as he smiles at her. And he's right she looks absolutely beautiful. She has her bow hanging over her shoulder because unlike me she woke up early and went hunting. Her hair looks winded as it falls around her face. She's wearing another gray tank top that exposes her abdomen a little, which has been driving me crazy lately. She's wearing a soft brown leather jacket that she's been wearing these cool mornings. She's also wearing similar pants to yesterdays, which completely compliment her figure. More importantly she looks strong again, self reliant, confident, and powerful. Finally everyone turns to look at her but her eyes are on Johanna who is nursing her baby.

"Hi Katniss." Johanna says warmly to her and Katniss walks inside to get closer. Johanna then lifts Fin and holds him up against her chest as she pets his back gently. Johanna stands up and walks towards her. "Katniss meet Fin." Just then the little boy turns around to look at Katniss. I stand up because I don't know what to expect. Katniss covers her mouth in amazement as her eyes shake but she composes herself. She timidly extends her arms.

"May I?" She asks Johanna and she smiles and hands him over into her arms. Little Fin is social and he welcomes Katniss's arms. When Katniss holds him she pulls him into an embrace and she can't hold back the tears anymore. To my surprise Johanna throws her arms around her. Katniss finally starts laughing and pulls away. She proceeds to wipe her tears as she looks at Fin and she congratulates Johanna and tells her over and over again that he's beautiful.

She finally hands Fin over to Johanna and then she notices that Ivy is staring at her. "Congratulations Ivy." She tells her.

"Thank you." Ivy says tightly.

Finally Katniss's finds me in the room and she walks towards me. I feel hypnotized by her as she approaches me. She comes up close to me and for a second she looks shy but then she looks boldly into my eyes. "I didn't have any nightmares last night." She whispers to me.

"Me either. Are you ready to go?" I ask earnestly because I really want to be alone with her. She smiles and nods. We turn around and only then do I realize that everyone is staring at us and I feel a little embarrassed for some reason.  
"Well, we're going to head out. Ivy – again congratulations." I say to her and she just nods but she offers me an approving smile that makes me feel warm. Katniss then takes my hand and I look towards her and let her lead the way. I'm sure everyone inside is puzzled by this scene. Today Ivy is going to marry someone that isn't me and that's strange but I'm off into the woods with Katniss, and they know she has been everything to me, good or bad, she's everything. I guess it's a lot for all of us to warp our minds around but I'm going to focus on the gentle hand that guides me into the woods towards a lake.

As we walk Katniss removes her jacket since the day is gearing up for a warm summer day. I let her walk ahead of me a little as she points out different things to me. She suddenly stops to look at me and asks me if I remember her family medicinal book. I smile and nod yes, she asks if I would like to continue it since she has so much more to add. I gladly say yes. She turns around and continues to chat. She's surprisingly chatty today and it pleases me. But then she surprises me when she starts to sing a song as we make our way. I get chills from the sound of her sweet voice.

We track for about an hour by the time we get to a lovely lake. I remember her telling me about it a long time ago, but my somewhat fuzzy memory can't pinpoint the exact time she told me about it. We approach the lake's soft grassy shore and I spread out my picnic blanket and she places a basket on it. She looks up at me and she smiles, looking into her silvery eyes makes me think of yesterday and I want to get that feeling back but instead I'm just succumbed by this blooming friendship which makes me relax even more.

"Do you want to eat?" I ask.

"No – I'd rather swim. I was really excited when you told me you learned how to swim in 2. I knew I had to bring you out here." She smiles.

I laugh. "There's no chance you're going dunk my head under like you did in my pond this time." I tell her as I remember the day we were training for the Quell.

Her face falls and then she smiles. "I was jealous." She says biting her lip and I'm surprised to hear her admit it, I remember it well, she was jealous of Madge and she lashed out.

"Well nothing to be jealous over now – so just friendly swimming." I smile at her and she nods.

She proceeds to remove her tank top and her pants. She's wearing a dark green bathing suit. I sit down on the blanket and remove my shoes but I can't take my eyes off her. I want to look at her not to admire her but to make sure she's okay. I realize that I'm deadly afraid that she could still be hurting over her injuries. Once again I can see the soft lines that outline the graft procedures, over time the tone of her skin has begun to blend evenly. I can see that the flames touched the back of her arm where I can see the tight skin and I wonder how comfortable she really is. Thankfully the rest of her looks strong and healthy, her legs like always are strong and muscular and I'm happy that she's back to this condition.

I stand up and remove my shirt and take my pants off. I look myself over and I still have a muscular built, I haven't lost it. But I am no longer obsessed with making sure I'm stronger and bigger. I've let that all go. I'm startled when I feel her hand trace my ribs on the left side of my body. I look down and realize that she's touching my scarred skin, the spot where I held her burning body.

"That was me wasn't it?" She asks with a haunted expression but I don't want her to dwell on this. I grab her hand and kiss it which makes her look up at me.

"Yes, it was that side. Silas found us – he said we looked like we were asleep. I was cradling you, on this side, just like… when we sleep together. With your head on my chest." I tell her. "don't think about it anymore." I tell her.

As I approach the shore, she runs past me and jumps in and begins to swim ahead. I sit down to remove my leg and I hoist myself into the water. It takes me a little bit to catch up with her. I love the feeling of floating it puts me at ease because I can feel the weight of everything leave my body. I watch her dive a few times until she comes back to the surface holding a plant. She happily tells me that it's Katniss root. I smile at her. Once again I find myself in a calm surrender, we keep each other company, as we keep to ourselves while sharing space. I ask her what we can cook with the Katniss roots and she offers a few ideas, she tells me they're kind of like potatoes. She's shocked that I've never had them before, I remind her that not all of us had the luxury of knowing how to swim or enter the woods. I dive with her to gather a good amount.

I'm amazed at seeing her under water. I'm hypnotized by how she looks down here. I love seeing the sun light travel through as rays of lights and she moves effortlessly. There is a silvery glow down here that matches her eyes and it's lovely because it clashes with her deep green swimsuit, as if it were the only item with color. When we resurface I have a flashback of us sitting outside a train, I remember the moment all over again. "Green is your favorite color, right?" She looks at me, smiles, and nods yes. We finally make our way to the shore. Once I sit on the shore I attach my leg and walk towards the blanket where we use our towels to dry off.

"Hungry?" Katniss asks.

"Starving." I tell her.

As we eat she finally breaks the silence. "Are you sure you don't want to go to the wedding."

I laugh. "I'm positive." I answer without thinking about it. She gives me a look that presses for more. I stop laughing and nod. "I think it would be inappropriate, with my history with Ivy. I don't want to shadow anything for Jon. Not that I'm undermining their relationship, they're obviously in love and Ivy did choose him over me… I'm just baggage that she doesn't need today. I don't want Ivy to look at me and feel anything… I don't want there to be any confusion."

Katniss laughs and this surprises me. "You said it, she chose him, she loves him. You talk as if the two of you wouldn't be able to control yourselves…" I stare at her and my mind races to that day in my basement where Ivy and I melted into each other and feel guilty all over again. Katniss sees the look in my face and it cuts her train of thought. "Oh." She says, clearly catching on that something has happened.

I panic a little and I feel like I have to explain. "I know it won't be like that always but when you have a connection like the one we shared, the relationship we had, the passion we shared… it doesn't go away over night." She looks away from me and stares out into the lake. Then I wonder if I should be sharing this with her but I remember that we are friends and it's important that I'm honest about Ivy.

"Okay then, you told me Ivy's reasons on why you can't be there. What about yours?" She presses on and she looks me in the eye again.

I stare at her for a second and she has a point, my reasoning is completely on their behalf not my own. So I dig deeper to open up about it. "Because I can't watch her marry someone else." I say sadly and I can't help but feel tears burning my eyes. I have to wipe them and Katniss stares at me. "We had a future planned, and through all the good and the bad, for all the times we fell apart, our future came back, we found our way back together, and then just like that she didn't love me anymore." I stop to think about it all again and I laugh. "And I shouldn't be surprised, she should have left me a long time ago but she didn't and it made me believe that she would always be by my side. That's why I can't watch her do it, it hurts too much – way too much." I stop and think about it. "And I know she's in her right, it's the right thing to do. She deserves him, he's wonderful. I hate him, I do." I say laughing and even Katniss cracks a smile at this. "But he's good for her and if I had to pick someone for her, including myself, I would pick him. But for the life of me I can't watch her go through with it. Not now, I still feel to raw about it."

She stares at me and nods. I wonder how she's processing this response. Thinking back she and I hardly ever spoke about my relationship with Ivy except for the one time she reproached me for it back in 13, while I was still recovering. I shake the thought away.

"Would you be able to watch Gale get married?" I ask her because perhaps she can better relate to this if she were to put herself in my shoes.

She looks stunned and she looks at me again, then she looks out into the woods with a frown on her face but then she relaxes. "Yes – I would. If the circumstances were different and we were in touch now, and he told me that he was going to marry. I would be there for him. I would be happy for him." She tells me smiling warmly.

I'm stunned. "I don't believe that." I say laughing.

She just stares at me quizzically. "we didn't have what you and Ivy had. I didn't love him like that. But I understand what you're saying. Ask me if I could watch you marry Ivy.." I'm startled to hear her say this aloud and I have to look at her. She's sitting serenely staring out into the water now, she continues. "There's no way I could." She takes a deep breath. "I never loved Gale the way I loved you." She says calmly.

I find it hard to catch my breath but I do and I have to look away from her. We sit in silence, thankfully she is not catching on with the fact that she just took my breath away and left me cold.

I finally look at her and I find her staring at me, looking me over. She offers me a gentle smile. "I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Ivy." She tells me sincerely. "I don't know her personally but from what I do know, she's wonderful… I can only imagine how hard it is for you. Hard to get over I'm sure…" She says this nervously now and I can see that she fidgets a little.

I laugh to lighten to lighten the mood. "well don't make it seem so bleak. I will get on, I am…"

Without looking at me she continues. "But how does anyone top that… Ivy. She's so smart, she's a doctor, she's gorgeous! And loyal." I realize that she's going on about Ivy as a source of comparison not for other girls but her. How Ivy stacks up against her. And the truth of the matter is that Ivy never could. I think of everything I've lived through with Katniss but even before that the affinity I felt towards her. I idolized her. I think of Annie and I remember her talking to me about the idea of destiny and soul mates and I remember that Katniss always seemed to fit that definition.

"If that' true then why could I never look past you?" I say rhetorically and she's stunned. She looks at me wide eyed and there's really nothing for her to say. I smile at her and nod. I realize what I just said and I guess I shouldn't expect a response, and I suddenly feel the tension. I stupidly try to make light of the situation. "as for the loyal part – well we both could have done a lot better in that department." I say laughing nervously. "Me with you, Madge, Johanna…"

Katniss laughs. "Oh gee – so you and Johanna really did happen…" She says looking a little horrified.

"Yeah – one time only." I say sheepishly. I'm hoping this humor stays between us and I'm taking advantage of it to put everything out there.

She cringes. "Everyone was always broaching the topic insinuating a lot but holding back around me. I didn't know what to believe. How did Ivy put up with you?" She says laughing. "That's really terrible Peeta." She says laughing now at the thought of my terrible track record.

I cringe a little and I would feel more embarrassed if we weren't finding it all so comical now. "Well she's not completely innocent either. There's Jon of course, Gale…" I regret it the moment it comes out of my mouth. I even bite my mouth and I slowly turn to look at her and her mouth is hanging wide open.

"What?!"

"I'm sorry." I say apologetically because I feel the good humor leave us completely. "While we were in 2, she ran into him, she was already caught up with Jon as she was trying to put us together…" I feel bitter all over again remembering when she told me and I can't help but loath Gale all over again. I even feel my jaw tense up. "I can't begin to understand why the fuck she would think it's a good idea to fuck Gale but she did… and I guess that was what broke the camel's back. Well that and her admitting to me that she was in love with Jon, and that sleeping with Gale made her feel like she was unfaithful to Jon, not me." I say bitterly. I close my eyes and try to shake the anger away.

I look towards Katniss again and I don't know what to make of the expression in her face. Her eyes are wide but her face seems relaxed. I'm startled when she falls over laughing hysterically. I find myself with an open mouth. But then her laughter is contagious because I find myself laughing about it all for the first time. I laugh until my sides hurt and until I notice that she's staring at me. I stop and I look at her closely, she's still wet from our swimming and her hair continues to drip water onto her face. I smile at her.

She then surprises me by leaning into me and her lips find mine. It's most unexpected but I am taken over by the sensation of them. She gently brushes my lips with hers as her hands find my face. She then takes my lips in hers and kisses me with such tenderness and I respond in kind. Her lips are wet from the water and it's appropriate because with her kiss I feel as though she were quenching a thirst that I've been carrying for years, for her. Further I uncover a layer of my being that had been parched for so long and every time her tongue laps mine I feel as though she were watering a desolated place in me. This kiss is beautiful, it's not like the one we shared in the Capitol, one of grief, desperation, madness, and with a bitter taste of a dreadful fate that was inevitable. This is sweet, healing, calm, and without a doubt loving. I want nothing more but this kiss, I'm not hoping for more, I'm not sure I could handle more.

She pulls away and our eyes meet.

"Is that okay?" She asks.

"It's perfect…" I look around because I begin to feel that disconnected feeling where I wonder if what's happening around me is real. Now I often feel it when I'm relaxed, too relaxed, because I guess my body and mind can't get accustomed to feeling anything else but stress and anguish. I smile at her. "Is this real? Right now?" I ask honestly.

She stares at me and she smiles. "Yes. It's real."

"Well then – I want you to act on your feelings Katniss, be honest with me."

"You too." She tells me. And with that I hungrily look for lips again and she welcomes it with eagerness. She lets us both fall back against the blanket where I continue to kiss her, to desperately find that quenching feeling she lets radiate from her mouth to the rest of my being. With every caress of her lips against mine, I feel tiny sparks buzzing through my lips and awakening something deep in my heart and my soul. When we pull apart we study each other and all we can do is quietly call out each other's names because our names, who we are, means everything to one another. We don't have to say it, we are ready to begin tomorrow and every day after that for the rest of our lives.

We spend the rest of the day talking, laughing, eating, swimming, and thankfully kissing. To be with her like this is surreal.

We finally make our way back to the village hand in hand and I don't want the day to end. Thankfully she tucks at me when we get to her house, she insists I stay with her. I know why, it's because she wants to sleep in my arms and I can't think of a better way to end the day. We walk into her house together, we clean up, and anxiously make our way to bed where we giddily jump in together. She cradles her body against mine and she begins to trace my bare torso. I smile at the feel of this old familiar sensation. We doze out like this, and it's no surprise that we wake up to her thrashing from her night terror. Only now I'm right here to soothe her with my words, my caresses, and my kisses.

From that day on we are inseparable. Any formality that was lingering between us disappears. She doesn't knock at my door or my bakery. She runs in whenever she wants. I love it when she surprises me at work. Or when I run into her in the middle of the street she runs into my arms. We still have our dark moments, where she's paralyzed with depression from her trauma or the without warning the grief of losing Prim hits her again as if it had just happened. Through it all, we're there for each other because nobody else could possibly understand. More importantly we're the only two that can truly make things better by just being there.

* * *

I wake up to her cries as she calls out for Prim. I quickly turn the light on and begin to talk to her to soothe her out of her nightmare. I look at her closely and I can tell it must have been a terrible dream because she's actually drenched in sweat. I run my hand through her moist skin and gently offer her kisses to coax her out of her sleep. When she does she looks bewildered and lost. She clutches on to me and begins to sob aloud, she doesn't want to talk about it and I understand completely. She cries so much that her body feels hot to the touch and her perspiration continues. I always have water readily available and it takes some convincing for her to drink it between her sobs. She sits up and holds her knees against her chest as she cries into them. I sit behind her and caress her back, which is soaking wet with sweat. I embrace her because it breaks my heart to see her like this. I kiss her head and whisper into her ear and encourage her to take deep breaths. It's all I can do, I can't tell her it's all right, because it's not. No matter how bad her nightmare was, how can I tell her it's all right when in the real world she lost Prim the way she did. What happened to Prim was worst then any nightmare she could ever have, there is no getting past that.

When her breathing is steady again, we lay back as we lay on our sides facing each other. I rub her back and I kiss her forehead. She's wide awake now and her eyes look around and she meets my eyes. I lean down ready to offer her a gentle kiss. I am surprised when instead of a soothing calming feeling I experience a surge of heat run from her lips through me. I have to pull back and when I look into her eyes I see that she feels it too, she's surprised and I can tell that her lips are trembling and I know it has nothing to do with her nightmare. I feel pulled towards her and I find her lips desperately again and we kiss urgently. It's exhilarating because I am beginning to feel that same sensation I had, that piercing sensation running through the core of me, desperately looking for a release. Further, in addition to the heat rising between us I feel that quenching feeling I felt by the lake and I want to desperately drink it. I have to pull away when I feel her hand reach under my shirt because I am suddenly hypersensitive to her touch. She mistakenly thinks I'm going to pull back.

"Please don't pull back – I need you, I want this…" she pleas.

I crash into her again and I assure her that there is no hesitation on my part. I kiss her desperately, then I trail kisses down her jaw to her neck as she now lays beneath me. I keep trailing kisses down to her chest and I can feel her breathing speed up with excitement. My hands trail down from her shoulder down to her chest as I stroke her collar bone and sternum. I then gently let my hand wander down over her pajama top to her small subtle breasts, which I can easily cup with my palm. I gently massage them as I look up at her and she closes her eyes with pleasure as a small smile stretches across her lips. With one hand I begin to undo the buttons as she stares up at me.

"What are you thinking?"

I look down at her and I feel sad for all the distance I forced between us over the years. "I will never turn away from you again… I'm sorry." I say wholeheartedly and she reaches up to touch my face. I lean down and kiss her again. I look down as I uncover her and I can see traces of those burning scars across her chest and her sides. For a moment she's tense but I quickly lean down and spread kisses throughout those scars. I can't help the tears that burn my eyes because the idea of her hurting kills me. Plus, how can I make her understand that these scars only make her more extraordinary. Whatever reservation she had dissipates when I begin to tuck at her shorts. I trail my kisses down to the abdomen that as of late I can't keep my eyes off and I gladly kiss the lines that define her hips and the endearing bundle of muscles that protrude under her bellybutton. I let my hands stroke the top of her thighs and the feeling between us is something that I've never felt before, it's as if I may never be able to quench this thirst this hunger. Before long we're wrapped in each other's arms completely nude. We take our time, one moment we're calm and soothing another we're desperate for each other. I want nothing more than to make her feel good, feel something more than pain or sadness. She tells me how good my beard feels against her skin and this pleases me. So I'm thrilled to hear her reaction when she feels the feeling of my beard between her legs.

The taste of her is sweet and I hungrily lap at her with my tongue until she comes undone. To my surprise she makes me lay down and she slowly explores my body with her hands and lips. I can't help but smile because I now remember everything that happened between us all those years ago and back then, Katniss was timid and inexperienced but it didn't limit the fire that is always in her, she's a passionate person through and through and now it's only intensified with the help of my comfort.

I lose myself in her, we have a slow and steady rhythm as she holds me close to her as I lay above her. Our bodies are covered in each other's sweat and I still feel like I can't be close enough to her. I feel euphoric, high, and once again I wonder if this is real. If it's a hallucination I revel in it. The surreal feeling is intensified when I sink myself into her and it feels like a sweet surrender. The taste of her, the sounds of her, of us, the smell of her skin, this moment feels like a moment I want to live in forever and that's what I want to work for.

There is no confusion, there aren't other people between us, there aren't tyrants to fight off, and there isn't hunger outside anymore. This is our life now. The pleasure the fulfillment is unimaginable. When we both come undone, we collapse into each other and I love the sensation of her trembling thighs wrapped around me. I let my body rest against her torso and trail kisses up her abdomen, around her breasts, and her neck. This feels like a dream. Everything looks hazy, I look around her room and everything appears extra bright, too perfect and I look at her as she lays with her eyes closed, smiling softly, trying to catch her breath. I can't help but wonder if this is real. The love that I feel between us, for the first time, it is clear and tangible. When she finally looks at me I have to ask her.  
"You love me. Real or not real?" I ask smiling.

She smiles and kisses me. "Real."

We joyously roll around the bed because I realize that I knew something from a very long time ago, my love, our love is our biggest triumph and nothing was going to prepare us for the trials and obstacles we would face. I thought I was naïve and I thought I had lost for thinking that way but now I know that it's my nature. My constant search for hope is my triumph and I can't help that it allows me to find peace and life. I look at Katniss and I see why we're perfect together we complement each other. She's a blazing fire and I have been the calming wind that without intending to do so, holds her flame steady and keeps it burning. But I have been that and more to others just like so many people have given me their friendship, fraternity, love, compassion, sex, pleasure, sacrifice and even their life. We have each other to hold us through the dark moments but more importantly we have each other to live for all the good moments. For everyone that I've loved and lost I have my love, my hope, my faith in the goodness that is everywhere. We have each other and this has always been my truth.


	50. Chapter 50

I lay on the soft grassy field as I hold my son in the air and he laughs hysterically. I admire him as the sun shines above us and he screams with happiness. He calls me daddy and I lovingly look into his wondrous gray eyes. I bring him down towards me and embrace him and I let my fingers run through his adorable blonde curls. Just then I hear my little girl's fast strides approaching us, I look to the side and she leaps over us laughing triumphantly and this makes my little boy laugh out loud. He scrambles out of my embrace and takes off running after her. I turn to my side and I see them go. She teases him by running circles around him. She's six going on seven and he's a little over two years old but he tries so hard to keep up with her. I can see his little face full of frustration and he's about to cry but she stops suddenly and hugs him. She then sits down and begins to pick flowers as she sings him a lullaby. As I hear the verses, I feel chills. They teach the song at school but my daughter doesn't realize that the song was written specifically for this field, their favorite spot to have picnics and play. The song talks about the comfort of a field where there is finally peace and the yellow flowers offer warmth and protection. I reach down and touch the grass and I clutch it as I think of them – my parents, my friends, Madge, my brothers, an entire world buried beneath their little innocent feet.

I take a deep breath and like always I find the beauty of the lyrics, I think of Annie and the spirit world she and Finnick believed in, I like the idea that our loved ones take care of us from far away, a world where they are in peace. I look behind me and I see Katniss, packing up our food as she looks up at our children every few seconds. I call out to her and remind her that I'm watching them and she smiles at me. I stand up, walk towards them, and effortlessly lift them in my arms. They scream with joy. I walk towards Katniss and sit next to her. She looks pleased that I've brought them back and she gives me an appreciative kiss. Our little girl asks Katniss to read her the book she brought with her and Katniss happily complies. My son in turn runs to my arms and begins to suck on his thumb, which tells me he's ready for a nap and so I happily cradle him and sway him back and forth. He reaches out his little hand and grabs a hold of Katniss's sleeve and falls asleep in no time. Shortly thereafter our little girl falls asleep too and we sit on our picnic blanket underneath a tree, happily huddled together. I look down at Katniss and she closes her eyes and sighs deeply, I know that she is feeling total peace.

I stare off in the direction of town and I can't believe it, it's a new world. Since that that fateful day, that Katniss and I made love, we were both reborn. It's been sixteen years and it feels like a lifetime. I said that aloud at the bakery to Nathan when he and his little boy Thomas were visiting, and the teenage boy that works part-time behind the counted said I was crazy. He's sixteen and he told me he still hadn't lived yet, hadn't even had sex yet. He stopped short and apologized for saying sex around Thomas and he walked away. Nathan and I looked at each other and laughed, I don't understand why sex has become such a censored subject. Nathan chuckled and mumbled to me about how kids are such prudes today. I just laughed and said maybe we shouldn't have been active so young, but I guess it was a different world before. It no longer translates to the reality that we live in today. I stare after my employee and wondered about his comment and I didn't want to explain that by the time I was sixteen years old I had in fact lived too much – I had lived what felt like an entire lifetime, I want to protect him from the horrors of my lifetime, of my generation. He learns about it in school but he never asks me about it and for that I'm grateful. He once told me that he learned in school that I was a big deal in this country. I laughed and told him that the only reason I should be a big deal to him was because I'm his boss. He laughed and ran to the back.

I look down at my son and I can feel his breathing in my arms and fills me with so much joy. I know I'll have to tell them, but not now, not yet. I look between our two children and feel so much love in my heart that I can't believe there was ever anything horrible in my life. I still can't believe that I'm here sometimes, how did I make it? I look at Katniss and I instantly remember because I can feel the love that saved me. Yes, it started that day after we finally gave into our biggest desire and allowe love and everything else that comes with it take over. I moved in with her, into her home, and soon thereafter everyone started to leave Victor Village because the town was almost complete and they had a place to go. I realized that I missed being around people. I convinced Katniss that we should build our own home in town, closer to our loved ones. She was reluctant at first but then she realized that the Victor home was just a shrine of her past and she needed to move on. We never would have imagined that the move would do us so much good, she took joy and pride in designing a lot of it. She finished her studies in structural engineering, in fact our home became her first completed project, long before she completed her degree.

In our new home we felt lighter, more free, and our love found whole new depths. These new strengths soothe the grief that will always lay somewhere deep in us, whether her nightmares or depression spells or my attacks. While they still make their presence known, we learned that we will always overcome. In this home all the good things intensified, our love, our bond, our passion, lust, our hearts and in tur our fears weakened more and more every day. After living in it three years on the first snow storm of the season, Katniss ran into bed and passionately made love to me. I woke up early to start the chimney and start our breakfast including toast for the morning. I went to set it near the fire so that we could be warm. I was surprised that she had been standing by the doorway watching me with tears in her eyes. She ran to me and kissed me. She then looked into my eyes and asked me to marry her. Just when I didn't think I could love her any more, she went and found a whole new depth in me. I said yes and we proceeded to conduct the old toasting ritual just between the two of us. We made love all day and at night when we were spent, she told me that she had woken up and gone to the living room. When she saw the fire going she remembered the Quell interview and how I had lied and told everyone that we had married in secret. She smiled abashedly and admitted that when she heard me say it all those years ago, she cried because it was the most romantic thing she had ever heard.

We agreed to have a civil ceremony to celebrate with our friends. When we told Nathan and Delly they started to weep and we were shocked, then we started crying from the joy and sentiment. The next couple of days Ivy stopped by the bakery and I shared the good news. I gave her the day of the wedding so that she and Jon could attend but she started crying and told me that she couldn't. I was shocked and angry. She then reproached me because I didn't go to hers and I explained that it was a different time and that our breakup was still too recent for me. She explained that it was not the same, she was over me but she just couldn't see me marry anyone. She apologized profusely, turned around, and walked out. I felt sad because I was afraid that Ivy, the woman that helped me so much would never be close to me again, we were already distant, and we remained distant for nine years after that, until the birth of my daughter. But before that happened, later that day Jon stopped by to congratulate me on my upcoming wedding, he was sorry about what had happened with Ivy earlier in the bakery but insisted that he would be there. Jon and I had already made a truce by being around each other. I finally had a heart to heart with myself and I realized that Jon was a friend, he saved me and always treated me with decency and respect. I remembered that after I was rescued from my torture, when I was the most lost, the most scared, and lonely I had ever felt, he was there. His kindness made me feel human. I finally got over my hurt pride and I was very fortunate to have his friendship waiting for me. In this world there is no point in holding on to resentment because of hurt pride.

When we told Haymitch, he just about passed out. I honestly didn't know how he would react. I mostly believed that he would be cynical and sarcastic but he too cried. I was still not close to him, I kept Haymitch at a distance, up until the last couple of years of his life. He refused to move into town when Katniss asked him and once again he was the only person living in the Village. That tucked at my heart and I began to accompany Katniss more and more when she would go see him. One particular day he was outside tending to his garden in his pajamas and I was taken aback to see how frail he looked. Sturdy strong Haymitch was starting to fade away. I felt tears jump to my eyes and I ran to his side to take the heavy basket out of his arms. Our eyes met and he must have seen the warmth in my eyes. He reached out his hand to touch my cheek and he called me his sweet boy. I couldn't hold back the tears and I embraced him. He whispered apologies into my ear again, the same ones from long ago, and I shushed him and told him all was forgiven. How could I not forgive him, he was a tortured boy, never had the chance to find a life for himself, no family, no friends, no children. He was never allowed to be a father, instead he was given children to accompany to their horrific deaths. All he had was a revolution and a dream for a new world. And by some chance, some miracle, he found me and Katniss only to then be forced to sacrifice us to a revolution that would bring salvation. He never had a choice really. Haymitch died seven years ago, in the comfort of his own bed, in my arms with Katniss by his side. Now when I think of him, I think of the day he walked Katniss down the aisle at our wedding ceremony and gave the absolute best toast at our celebratory dinner. He was so proud.

The day after we buried Haymitch, Katniss came to bed laid on top of me and kissed me hard. She sat up and swiftly removed her nightgown. I was too happy to feel her warmth soothe my aching soul. Imagine my surprise when I reached for a condom and she grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes and told me life had to go on. I was elated. I knew she never wanted children and I wanted them so badly especially every time Delly, Nathan, Ivy, Jon, Johanna, and Silas had theirs. But I would have never pushed it, it's her body, and I knew that Katniss would be enough for me she didn't need to bear me children. The first pregnancy proved to be a source of anxiety, and I thought it would be our only one. I knew the fear she felt, because I felt it too. During that pregnancy I didn't walk to the meadow once because it reminded me of the world we lived in and the slightest thought of that kind of oppression would send me into panic attacks because what right did I have to bring a child into that possibility. I knew better than anyone what it's like to not have the odds in one's favor. But I would find my strength for her, for Katniss. The fear finally seized when she gave birth and when we finally held our baby girl in our arms.

By chance, it was Ivy that delivered her. She was so kind and gentle to me and Katniss. I think she knew the fears we had been living in, and perhaps it was because she knows me so well that she understood the enormity of it for us. When I stepped out into the hallway of the hospital to thank her she threw her arms around me and cried, I hadn't been that close to her since before my engagement, nine years prior to the birth of our daughter. She expressed how happy she was for me and that if we needed anything to just let her know. Those first couple of weeks back home, Ivy would come by to check in on Katniss and our little girl. She was such a comfort to Katniss. More importantly the two found a genuine friendship in the love of motherhood.

And that is how we find ourselves here today, enjoying wonderful picnics on this meadow. Our children gave us the courage to walk on it freely, without feeling the strings of the past grasping at our feet. They didn't give us a choice really, they freely ran onto it one day and as parents we had no choice but to chase after them, it was liberating, we had to let it go. We lay our children on the soft grass as we pack up our picnic. We smile at each other, I pick up our sleeping daughter and she takes our sleeping son for the walk back home. Back home, we lay them in the comfort of their soft warm beds. As I tug my daughter in, I can hear Katniss singing to our son from the other room and it melts my heart. I make my way to the kitchen to prepare our dinner, she joins me and after she cuddles in my arms as we sit on our sofa and just melt into each other. Now that we have a family we feel a new kind of vulnerability but we both know we have each other to help us through it. How lucky we are, to look at another human being and know with every part of our being, that we are not alone. There is so much peace in that simple but powerful fact. We head to bed knowing that when we wake up from our torturous nightmares we wake up to a better world without life threatening games, without hunger but instead full of hope.


End file.
